padded room radio my name is darian i have returned it's time for the insomnia hour you motherfuckers it is presently 8 38 in the p.m and i can't get any goddamn sleep in this place I'm normally awake at this hour anyway, so let's not take that too personal. I've got to talk to you guys about a show, about a movie called Santa Jaws. For fuck's sake, man. Santa Jaws.
hear me out hear me i know what you're probably you're probably saying to yourself all right just fuck off already hear me out i'm gonna i'm gonna break the whole goddamn thing down for you um it's actually worse than it sounds um Thank you guys so goddamn much for joining me on the Patreon feed. Those of you that have chosen to subscribe, I can't tell you how much that means to us here in the padded room.
And if you're listening on the regular RSS feed and you're getting this episode for free, thank you, too, just for checking this out and for hanging out with me tonight. I got a little Santa Jaws. So the story about Santa Jaws and why I'm doing this on both feeds is because...
Cowboy paid for the month of December, and he sent me the schedule at the beginning of the month, and it said... a bunch of shit movies, and one of them was Santa Jaws, but then the shit movie that I did before Santa Jaws pissed both he and I off bad enough to a point to where he's like, you know what, skip Santa Jaws, dude, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Do High Tension, because that's actually a good show. So do that one instead. But unfortunately, I told everybody I was going to do Santa Jaws, so everybody wrote in last week wanting to hear what I had to say about Santa Jaws. I didn't do Santa Jaws. I'm doing Santa Jaws right now. So there you go. All right. I'm sorry. Don't blame me. Blame Cowboy for changing his mind. And actually, we should thank Cowboy.
that I didn't have to do a whole episode on Santa Jaws, and I can just do the insomnia hour here for you now. Regardless, thank you anyway. Thank you all for listening and for choosing to subscribe to the Patreon page. Those of you that did, this episode's going to appear on both feeds, Patreon and Podbean, and wherever the hell else you're listening to this show, I don't know what you're doing. So without further ado...
Let's get into goddamn Santa Jaws, shall we? I'm going to find you a trailer here. spells. Good shot. Okay, so that wasn't actually a trailer. That was just about a minute and a half of the movie because that's all that they put on YouTube. Sorry about that. I can tell you whatever you need to know about this. I can tell you it's got 3.8 stars on IMDb.
It's rated PG. It stars Reed Miller, Courtney Loren Cummings, and Jim Cluck. What you got here, kids, is a sci-fi original. So if you haven't decided to change the channel yet, I'm going to tell you right now to go ahead and change the fucking channel because this is not good. Now, I have a number of issues with this movie. First one, I'm going to put this right out here. It's not a horror film.
It's not. It's not even in the neighborhood of a horror film. There's very little that's actually frightening about this movie. It's a show. Okay. Now, I don't mind. I'm not a big shark movie kind of a dude. But I don't mind them. I'll check out a shark movie. Unfortunately, we have had an impacted colon full of these nonsensical CGI to the gills.
no pun intended, shark movies over the last 10 years that have just been absolutely batshit crazy. And let's face it, they're absurd. And this is well into the realm of that. Now...
I blame Sharknado. But I don't actually blame Sharknado. I blame the Discovery Channel and Shark Week. Because the Discovery Channel is holding on... by a fingernail to whatever ratings they can get, and they're banking it all on Shark Week, and then that somehow spiraled into Sharknado, and the bukkake of sequels that we got to Sharknado, and are still getting, by the way, and what else you got? shark uh shark and saw women's prison massacre um what uh shark to puss mecca shark
Dude. And now, now, ladies and gentlemen, Santa Jaws. From 2018, you motherfuckers. So this is obviously going to fit within the realm of these absurd shark movies. Now, most of them fit into like an action comedy situation. I wouldn't call... this one that either i wouldn't call it horror i wouldn't call it an action comedy um i wouldn't
Call it a Christmas movie because despite the name, there is actually very little to do with Christmas or anything Christmas-like in this film. What I would call it is an after-school special. I guess, because I don't know what other category it would possibly fit into. Some people do get killed in it in very silly ways. The ending doesn't make a lick of sense, but what the fuck? It's a fucking movie about a Santa Claus shark. So...
Let's just roll right into it, okay? So we're going to start off on a pier. We have like an evil Santa Claus abducting a hot chick and her scarred up boyfriend is chasing him trying to save the hot chick. Comes down to a big showdown on the pier. There's a shark circling the waters underneath the pier.
Evil Santa gets tossed into the water and eaten by the shark, and the scarred-up boyfriend makes out with his hottie girlfriend, who's been tied up with Christmas lights, which is a nice touch there. So... From there, we're going to cut to that whole thing was a comic book written and drawn rather well, mind you, by what I'm going to say is probably a 12-year-old kid.
So that whole sequence there happened in his imagination. Those are made up characters. Santa Claus is not an evil guy or a white trash. He was kind of a white trash Santa too. But he put a pretty good beating on the boyfriend. before he got kicked into the shark. So that's this kid's comic book that he drew and wrote and continues to draw. And he's hanging around a comic book shop a lot. He's a comic book dork.
His name is Cody and his best friend Steve is there also. Chubby Asian kid, also a comic book dork. Very cool. The owner of the comic book store is there too, whose name doesn't really matter. We're just going to call him Loser Comic Book Store. owner so from there it's kind of cool what's going on here because you have these kids they're you know trying to get
put their own comics out. They're hanging with the comic book store owner. He's kind of like giving them tips and pointers and sometimes he, you know, puts them on the rack for a day or two, I guess. I don't know. I don't know how that works out. It's kind of creepy, really. But if I was an adult comic book store owner, I would expect that there would be a lot of kids hanging around. And I would have to...
Well, there'd be a lot of cameras, not because I'm trying to peep any kids, but because I don't want anybody's parents coming at me like, oh, my son said you touched his butt. Well, I'm on camera here and I did not touch your son's butt, weirdo. And I wouldn't be hanging with those.
kids at all after work hours and probably not during work hours either um anyway so uh this whole that whole shark santa jaws sequence is a comic book drawn by cody and cody then uh leaves the comic book store there's supposed to be a big party there because apparently it's christmas eve now problem number two that i have with this movie uh where the fuck are we and what time of year is it exactly now
Everybody in the movie is saying that it's Christmas. We're about to have a Christmas Eve thing. There's a Christmas party. Christmas parade is going on. All kinds of Christmas festivities. okay okay i'm with you so far now that doesn't necessarily mean that there has to be a foot of snow on the ground because as we saw in jaws 4 We, you know, tropical countries do have Christmas and, you know, you can go to the beach on Christmas and it'll still be Christmas. However, however.
There's a problem here because one of the main characters who is a, I'm going to call her a bimbo. She is a one-dimensional Instagram model, although they don't use the word Instagram. I think they call it Instasnap or something like that. She spends the vast majority of the movie in a bikini splashing around in the water. while the rest of the characters are running around in ski parkas and Christmas sweaters. So, if it's Christmas in December...
and I'm assuming this story takes place somewhere in the continental United States, it's going to be fucking cold. Half these people are acting like it's cold. The other half are acting like it's the middle of July.
that's a bit of a thing now i'm sorry i know what you're saying you're saying darien stop thinking about it it's a goddamn santa claus shark movie these things stick out man they do now it's a sci-fi original and i wasn't expecting her to take her top off but if she did i would almost be angry at it and she was not that attractive either i'm going to tell you that right now anyway back to the story uh cody goes home
He's getting ready for the family Christmas. His mom and dad are there. Very well-to-do family. Very Hallmark Channel-esque family. Mom and dad are there. They own a very successful restaurant. Grandfather is there. who looks like he could be Santa Claus, like with the big white beard and all that. Cody's older brother Josh is a bit of a sports douche. He seems all right for the most part, though. And we've got Rich, Uncle, and... Trophy Wife Ant coming in. That's the aforementioned InstaSnap.
chat model whatever the fuck her problem is she won't shut up about how many followers she has and uh what kind of poses she needs and oh nine million people want to see me in a bikini It's fine. These characters are completely one-dimensional and this story could easily be transposed over to the Hallmark Channel. where if you just remove the shark from the equation and you just have Cody falling in love with his mysterious next-door neighbor, it's an instant hit on Hallmark.
I don't know what you'd call it. Comic love? Comic book stop love? Love in 14 colors? I don't know. Something stupid. But that's about where we're at with this. Okay? So that's what's happening. Cody's spying on his neighbor, who I just mentioned. She's a hot chick, presumably Cody's age. Her name's Jenna, but we'll get to her in a second. Now... So Cody gets himself into a bit of trouble because apparently he drew a cartoon, posted it to his Facebook. I don't know what the cartoon said or...
We're not going to see the cartoon. He's just going to get a stern talking to from his mom about said cartoon. He posted it to some social media thing, got himself in a lot of trouble at school, and now he is grounded for a week. which means he may not in fact go to the comic book store Christmas Eve party which he was looking forward to and I can assure you that there would have been three people there, Cody, Stan, and the owner dork. So he's pretty bent about that. So he pulls a full...
Kevin McAllister. He goes full Kevin McAllister on his family. I wish you all would just die. I hate you so goddamn much, you goddamn people. I just want to go to my freaking comic book store. Christmas Eve party! You said no! I can't do that! Grrrr! So he gets all pissed off and he goes up to his room. His grandpa shows up a couple hours later and gives him an early Christmas present, which is, are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this? I bet you know what I'm about to say, because you're absolutely right. It's a magical pen. Huh? Huh? Yeah, it's a magical pen. and whatever you draw with a magical pen is going to come to life. So Cody, in his violent, turbulent 12-year-old rage, decides he's going to draw a comic book of his favorite comic book character, Santa Jaws.
i don't know that he just draws a picture of santa jaws and thus santa jaws comes to life and is now in the see i don't know where we're at with this because there's like a pier in the movie and um there's a body of water around there I mean, it can't be an ocean because an alligator is going to pop up in this thing in a few minutes. So it's more of a swamp. So, oh, well, I guess we just have to sign off on this for now. But if you're...
Above the age of 12 and you're watching this, there are going to be some serious head-scratching moments here. And I'm sorry, I would love to turn my, quote-unquote, turn my brain off for this, but... can't i'm sorry i can't there it's just too much bad stuff going on here all right anyway uh so
uh here comes the next morning rolls around here comes grandpa and he's he's waking cody up and he's like hey man you uh we gotta we gotta we're gonna go to the fishing hole and we're gonna do some early morning fishing cody's like oh shit it's early and he's like yeah
And Cody's like, sorry, dude, I'm grounded. And he's like, I'm ungrounding you. Come on, we're sneaking off. We're going to go do a grandfather and son fishing trip. So off they go to the quote unquote fishing hole. Now, they're not on a boat. They're not out on the open water, as if to say this is a big fishing hole. They are sitting on a pier, and there is noticeable land around them.
Where... there you go anyway they're out there fishing it's early uh cody's miserable grandpa brought his special eggnog which i assume has some serious alcohol in it uh cody accidentally knocks it into the water which causes santa jaws to surface okay now you know how in jaws you get the boom boom boom And you know that's when the shark is coming. In this one, you get a... Yeah, that's...
That's what we're doing here, okay? And then when the shark fin comes out of the water, it's got a neat little Santa hat on it. Because that makes sense to a 12-year-old. I really, you know, if they had just come out and said that the entire movie, not just a comic book, was written by a 12-year-old, I'd cut it a lot more slack. I would. I'd be, you know...
I wouldn't be as hard on it. But anyway, here comes a shark fin with a fucking Santa Claus hat on it. And it's also got Christmas lights wrapped all the way around it. And it pops right, it does a Samuel L. Jackson on Grandpa. Pops out of the water, snatches Grandpa off the... here, takes them underwater, chews them up, and then there goes Grandpa. Cody freaks right out, goes running home, oh God, Grandpa, where's Grandpa?
Runs up and tells his mom, hey, grandpa just got eaten by a shark. She calls him a liar and sends him to his room. Now, that, my friends, is a classic lazy writing trope. When something bad happens and we don't want to sound the alarm in the movie yet, everybody just signs off on the witness being a liar. Okay?
That's how we continue the plot rolling, even though that doesn't make any fucking sense. See, this could have easily been solved right here. Oh, you think Grandpa's okay? You think he's fine? Yeah, he's upstairs sleeping. Okay, let's go upstairs and look then.
huh how about that how about all of his shit is down at the pier and uh by the way there's a big bite mark where he was sitting and there's probably some blood in the water mixed with booze addled uh eggnog how about how about i show you that instead He just goes up to his room. Oh, okay. And then he starts, what am I going to do? Am I going to warn everybody? Nobody's going to believe me. I'm just going to keep walking back and forth in the kitchen eating, I guess, caramel corn or some shit.
So here's problem number two, okay? Or I guess I'm up to number three now. This is a shark movie, right? And it's a Christmas shark movie. We're going to forget the Christmas part for a second, but... The majority of the movie takes place on dry land, which means that everybody in the town is safe from the shark. Okay? Now, the only people that get killed...
in this movie are people that are trying to actively stop the shark. Mind you, we're in, I guess, some coastal town in the middle of December. So it's not like they're having surf competitions. or anything like that, or having some kind of a fucking, I don't know, wakeboarding X Games kind of a thing. It's the middle of fucking December, the water is icy cold, nobody's going in the water.
Sorry about your grandpa. You should probably call the police or something instead of walking around your kitchen eating fucking potato chips. Regardless, we have to warn people and we have to tell them what's going on. Rightfully so, you should. But I mean, the level of panic here is a bit unfounded, I believe. All right, anyway, cut to later that morning.
The rich uncle and the trophy wife are like, oh my god, we just bought a boat. We're going to go on a boat parade. It's a Christmas boat parade. And my Insta Snapchat followers are just going to love my new bikini. they just bought a boat he's some kind of a billionaire this uh rich uncle he just bought a great big fucking boat it's out on the pier uh they're getting ready to take some uh i hope x-rated pictures
They're not, though, because it's a sci-fi original. And sail the boat in the parade. Now, I guess for the purposes of this film, it's some kind of a water parade. Maybe... They all just sail up and down the marina there or something. I don't know. Again, I have no idea where this story takes place. That's what they're doing. They're down there getting the boat ready to set sail. She's in her bikini. She gets into an inner tube, like out in the water there. You know what I mean? So...
It's December. Everybody that's not in the boat or in the water or in that inner tube is bundled up. Our Instasnap model is wearing a bikini. and is not bothered by it at all. In fact, makes no mention of it being cold outside. Just food for thought. I'm just putting it out there. Something to think about moving forward. And mind you, for the rest of the film, she will not be wearing anything other than that bikini. And that's it. She ain't going to last much longer. Don't worry about it. But...
She's down there and here comes Uncle Rich Guy and he's like, hey, let's take some pictures of you in your bikini. She's like, oh, look at how cute my tits are. And then he leans over at the wrong time and Santa Jaws. who pops out of the water and samuel l jackson's his rich ass boom uh the insta snap model is freaking out because she saw the whole thing but
She gets away and she actually believes Cody. Now, right about this time, Cody rolls up to the parents' restaurant where they're preparing their fucking Christmas Eve. I guess it was some kind of a, not a party, but like a charity event where they got to get a bunch of turkeys together. And he's like, Mom, Dad, you need to listen to me. Grandpa got killed by a goddamn shark.
over there by the pier and exactly at that moment here comes instastap model oh my god uh my rich husband just got eaten by a shark off our own boat it was so gross look at my tits oh so now we have to take this somewhat seriously right we get a good description from uh tits mcgee over here she says that the shark is wearing a Santa Claus hat, is wrapped in Christmas lights, and is followed by the sound of jingle bells. I'm going to continue to sing this little ditty every time.
every time I have to describe a shark attack in this stupid fucking movie. All right? So, okay, now we have to take this a little more seriously because Grandpa's missing. Uncle Rich Guy is missing. And now we're going to cut down to the pier again where a random dude dressed as an elf gets his legs bitten off. And he's like doing the hobble wobble down the pier as Steve.
who's now showed up and Cody are walking down the pyramid like oh my god and then he also gets CGI Samuel L. Jackson that's really the extent of the uh the kills is just the fucking animated shark jumping out of the water snatching somebody off a pier and then down the water they go all right that's that's what we're doing that's where we're at now the good news though is that this time uh uh tits mcgee um what uh
Cody, Steve, and Josh, the older brother, all saw that one. And they can all now attest to the fact that there is, in fact, a shark. Mom and dad have completely shut down. They're like, you guys are all, uh... kids and uh even you tits mcgee you should uh i don't know you're like a kid it's kind of even she the actress that played the insta snap model i mean she she wasn't hideous
Just, I don't know, maybe she just wasn't for me. And she was a little long in the tooth, let's say. I would put her probably in her mid-40s. Maybe. Maybe late 40s. I don't know. Anyway, they all saw it. They all saw the shark. They all saw the hat and the fucking Christmas lights around it. And that's when Cody comes to the realization. Holy shit! That's Santa Chaws. That's the shark from my comic book. What the hell, man? So... So...
We now have to figure out how the hell it is that Santa Jaws has come to life. Now, first instinct is that it's got something to do with the comic book, right? Okay, so he left the Santa Jaws comic book with... the comic book shop Dorcas there at the comic book shop the day before. So they all go hauling ass to the comic book store where the Dorcas is there and he's...
continuing to be an annoying prick. They're like, dude, where's that comic book I drew? There's some weird shit going on. He's like, oh, you mean the one with the Santa Claus shark? They're like, yeah. You know your super hot neighbor that you're always crushing on? She came in here. She's a pretty cool chick. She's into comics so I gave it to her.
They're like, what? Oh, no. Because this is like Cody's kryptonite, right? He can't be talking to hot chicks. He's 12 years old. He's going to piss himself and then feverishly masturbate to the memory of it later. Off they go to Jenna's house. Cody has to put on his best Mac Daddy routine to try to get the comic book back. But before they leave the comic book shop, they're trying to do some deductive reasoning on how this might have happened. And that's when Cody recalls.
The magic pen. Oh, it's a magic pen. It brings sharks to life and turns you into Kevin McAllister, but in a very stupid way. You drew a magic shark with your magic pen. Now it's killing all your family. Cody. That's what they figure out. Okay, we need the comic book and we need the magic pen. The magic pen is back at Cody's house.
Go get the pen. Or actually, they had the pen with them and they left it at the comic book store on accident. So they go get the comic book. Cody has to talk to the mildly attractive neighbor. who is also 12 years old or is at least playing a 12-year-old, who is some kind of a triathlete track star. by the way, and is fluent in German, and is somehow able to fire a medieval crossbow with deadly precision, and train the other guys on how to do it, because she's some, okay.
Alright, see this? This is called lazy writing, my friends. This is called, I was paid $1,500 and given a weekend to come up with a Santa Claus shark movie, and this is what you fucking get. Okay? So... Not that I'm bitter about this. So from there, they grab the hot chick, Jenna. She's like, oh, yeah, I really like that comic book, but I think I left it in my dad's boat. Let's go get it. It's like a 12-minute jog.
So they all go jogging down to her dad's boat. They get the comic book. Very cool. They're flipping through it. He never wrote an ending to the comic book is the problem. So that's why... I don't know. That has something to do with... He's like, how does the comic book end? I don't know. I haven't written it yet. Okay, well, can you blow up Santa Jaws?
No, she's made out of Teflon steel or some shit. So, okay, well, it doesn't really matter because we got to get the magic pen back from the comic book Dorcas. And then maybe we can find a way to like draw X's over her eyes and have her go tits.
up on the on the beach there so that's the plan they go back to the comic book store where uh the comic book dork overheard all of the talk about the magic pen, and has drawn himself a super hot Russian girlfriend, about a million dollars in unmarked bills, a hot rod, and... I think that was about it, really. And this is when we learned that the inscription on the pen is in German. And wouldn't you know it? Wouldn't you fucking know it? Jenna, the ultra-hot neighbor...
is fluent in German at the age of 12. And she flawlessly translates the inscription, I don't remember what the fuck it said. Something about wishes coming true. It doesn't fucking matter. But it's a magic pen and that's all you need to know. So that's very exciting. They get the pen back. They get the comic book back. They go running back to the restaurant. Now, at this point...
Cody's parents are a bit concerned because they can't find Cody or Josh or any of the other kids and that's what's going on. So Cody and the other guys have stumbled upon a cache of explosives. a considerable amount of um i guess it was dynamite or possibly c4 thermite i don't know uh this is explained because grandpa hunts boars
Now, I know some dudes that actually hunt wild pigs, and I can assure you, my friends, that there are not any explosives being used. They use dogs and spears, and it's... quite a sight to behold i'll tell you that it's not something i want to see but uh it yeah yeah um They're a bit of an invasive species. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, these kids are now running around this small coastal town with a backpack full of nitroglycerin.
i guess we'll say so they need to find a way to blow up santa jaws so what they do is take a bunch of christmas tree ornaments fill them with set explosives and then head on down to the pier as if this is going to do a So they get down there. It's all well and good. Here comes Santa Jaws. And here comes the fin out of the water. They start throwing their Christmas explosives.
and boom boom boom but they all miss one guy drops one of his explosives breached down to get it and out comes santa jaws right down santa jaws i'm sorry I am sorry. It's Steve. It's Steve, the token Asian fat kid. He gets snatched right up off the pier, same way as the other guys does. And then blows up because of the explosives down there. So that's pretty gnarly. At this point, we've given up on the explosives. The comic book store owner also provided them with a bunch of medieval weaponry.
i.e. the crossbow and this is where we find out that jenna is also a championship crossbow uh marksman because she's now tutoring the other guys on how to fire the crossbow she's like okay power foot forward focus on your target Good sight alignment, sight picture. You're going to remember the thing's going to kick when the bolt releases. Okay, fucking Jenna, you're a 12-year-old girl.
I'll sign off on the track star thing. I will sign off on some spotty German. No, no, no, no, no. You are not a championship crossbow. shooter, firer of crossbows, bolt launcher, whatever you call those fucking people. I don't know. But no, no, no.
This is lazy fucking writing, and I will not stand for it. Not for another minute, you fuckers. All right, you're a... Well, sure. Well, apparently you're not all that great because you failed to kill the goddamn shark with all your medieval weaponry, Jenna. if that is in fact your real name um they hit it a couple of times doesn't do any damage uh and then that's you know after that we're like okay well uh our medieval weaponry didn't work
As if it really would. Our explosive-laced Christmas tree ornaments didn't work. In fact, it just got Steve killed. The magic pen. So now they go back to the comic book store where the Dorcas has drawn all of his girlfriends and his boats and hoes and all that shit. He tries to make a run for it with the magic pen. They chase him down to appear.
where he has drawn himself about, obviously. And he's like, I'm not giving the pen back, man. No way, I don't care about those people. I'm just a nobody, and I just hang around with 12-year-old kids, and this is my chance to beat somebody, and I'm not done!
you're a fucking dork man you're a dork and you own a comic book store and you spend way too much time with 12 year olds okay so that's not our fault that's your fault in a really bizarre move that I he's he's like threatening to throw the pin in the water and I guess if that happens and we're all fucked because then Cody can't uh
draw finish the comic book and then the fucking thing gets to just wreak havoc on everybody in a really weird move jenna does like a weird um diving tackle situate i don't i don't know what she was going for just out of nowhere everybody's like hey hey hey Dorcas, just relax, okay? Just give us the pen. Everything's cool. Jenna comes flying over the line like Troy Palomalo and tries to snatch the pen out of his hand. Like a jackass, both of them go in the water.
And here comes the shark. They both get eaten. jenna and the dorcas uh right before jenna gets eaten she flicks the pin up at uh cody and he catches it good for him so at this point in the film we're just down to cody and josh okay that's it
Oh, I should mention also that the InstaSnap model died, but she did manage to gouge one of the eyes out with a candy cane. She went the same way as Samuel L. Jackson, just like everybody else in this fucking movie. So really, we're down to Cody and Josh and their parents. who are now driving around the town threatening people at gunpoint. Okay? Now, sharks are scary enough, sure. but weird misguided parents that think their child has been abducted with firearms. Not only firearms.
But I can identify that particular firearm. That was an M1 Garand. It fires a 776 round, I believe. No, 7-6-2 round, which is enough to put a pretty good entry-size wound in you and blow a manhole cover out of the back of you. Okay, and there's... point blank range with this fucking thing these people need to have cps called on them and really every adult in this movie should just be shoved into a moving thresher blade as far as i'm concerned and the writer and the director also
All right. All right. That's where we're at. So that's what's happening. About this time we managed to reconvene. at the restaurant and they're like oh god what are we gonna do it got the instant snap and it got the dorkus at the store and uh jenny jenna and uh steve they got everybody man so josh is like dude dude dude just draw The shark dying.
So he's like, oh yeah, perfect idea. So he draws a giant goddamn candy cane falling out of the sky and impaling the shark. Unfortunately, because of some asinine rule that the writers made up, Josh can't kill it that way. he explains it uh basically they said it's his creation and it can't it has to i don't know it didn't make any fucking sense none of this movie makes sense man fuck all right uh now
Instead of having Santa Jaws, we now have Santa Rhino Jaws because it now has a giant candy cane horn sticking out of its head. All right? So...
As if things couldn't get any dumber, what we decided to do at this point is dismantle a park bench. Mom and dad are now involved in this. They're going to dismantle a park bench and using... items that i suppose you would find in a restaurant they're going to rig up a turkey catapult to save the fucking day a turkey catapult what are you going to do with the turkey catapult well i'll tell you
You're going to take these turkeys. You're going to load them up. They got like three turkeys there because they were going to make the big... fucking christmas eve dinner and uh you're gonna load them up with what's left of grandpa's mysterious c4s c4 explosives and then you're gonna fire the turkeys at the shark
and hope that it eats the turkey, one of them at least, eats the turkey, and then what you got to do is you got to shoot the turkey while it's in the mouth of the shark, okay? Now... I don't understand how this makes sense because you just fabricated a giant harpoon-like candy cane falling from the sky and impaling this fucking thing through the head and it's still coming at you.
what makes you think that the exploding turkey trick is going to do any difference? I don't know. I have no idea. But that's what we're going with. Now, something to note here. The turkey catapult... as it's called, or whatever you want to refer to it as, is never actually seen in the film. OK, what you do get to see is them taking apart a park bench and then like a lot of knots being tied and a lot of like like a hand crank kind of a situation. And then from there, it's just.
Fully cooked flying turkeys with fistfuls of explosives shoved into their rectums. So here comes the shark. Fire one! Shark actually dodges the turkey. It says no, no can do with that turkey. Okay, load up another turkey. Fire two. This one actually hits the shark. He's not interested. She's not interested, I guess. It kind of hits the fin, bounces off.
oh shit okay we got one turkey left fire three at this point the goddamn turkey catapult like fails to launch or something and instead of shooting the turkey it just kind of drops it in front of it so Josh being the stud athlete that he is runs down there and says I'm gonna do a football pass on this turkey I'm gonna score one in the end zone so he reaches down grabs the turkey out comes Santa Jaws
Samuel L. Jackson's his ass right down into the water. Well, shit. Well, actually, this time it kind of impales him because now he's got like a rhino horn, a candy cane rhino horn on him. So dad runs down there. He's like, Josh, no! He jumps in the water. And then he gets snatched by Santa Jaws. And because we want to end this movie as quickly as we can, we're already at like the hour and 20 minute mark at this point. Mom just goes, you know what?
I'm going down there. So she goes down there. Cody drops his magical pen, right? She goes down there to get it. She gets Samuel L. Jackson. Cody is now the only one alive. So he's like, oh, God damn it. You fucking stupid. So he takes the pen and. Oh, God, man. I don't know how these movies get made. I don't understand it. I don't know how somebody writes this and then says, I've got a hit.
here i don't understand how that part happens i don't understand how somebody reads that script and says write this guy a check for a couple million dollars because we've got a hit on our hands i don't understand that part I don't understand how the director of the film says, I'm going to shoot this movie. and it's going to have my artistic stamp on it i don't understand i don't understand any of this but i'm not in the film industry and that's probably why uh anyway
At this point, Cody has himself an epiphany. He is now an orphan and does not have a hot neighbor or a stud older brother or a sidekick comic book chubby best friend. So he says, you know what? never mind he goes out into the parking lot where he burns the santa jaws comic book and then immediately wakes up in bed the next morning and none of this has happened
It was all a dream. It's a Christmas miracle, everybody. Cody's not mad at the world anymore because he had a dream about a killer Santa Claus shark that ate his whole family. oh fuck you i can't man i can't i can't do it that's it that's it inmates that's all that's that's santa jaws it was all a dream Now, I will simply say that this movie was not for me. It's not a horror movie. It's not a Christmas movie.
uh i wouldn't really call it an action movie um there are some scenes that i think were supposed to be funny they didn't really hit for me though um I would call this, this would be a good one that you could possibly watch with your kids. Deacon sat through most of it.
He was, even he was rolling his eyes at some point. He's six years, my six-year-old son, Deacon. He was rolling his eyes during a lot of this. And it wasn't just because I was heckling the shit out of it, which I can assure you I was. But... There's a lot of silliness here, guys. But at the same time, it's a fucking movie about a Santa Claus shark. So...
I don't know what you want. You know, if you actually took the time to sit through this movie and were expecting some kind of cinematic experience, like you were going to have your heartstrings tugged on or this was going to move you in some way. It's called Santa Jaws. That's the name of the movie. It's not for me. Am I mad at it? I realize I probably seem like I am right now, but I'll be honest with you, there's no fucking way I would have watched this movie had it not been for Cowboy.
and you lovely people out there in Patreon land and in the regular RSS feed. All right, inmates, I'm not going to waste any more of your time with Santa Jaws. Tim and Luffy over at Horror for Dummies, they actually liked it, and they will... They've got a whole argument defending this. It doesn't make any sense to me, man. But love you guys.
Thank you very much for joining me. Thank you for your continued patronage over at the Patreon campaign for those of you that chose to subscribe. And those of you that didn't, consider it. You can have... control of a whole month, and I can yell at you about one of the shitty movies that you picked. Doesn't that sound like a deal? For the low, low price of $5 a month, I will berate you voraciously. And whatever movie you picked. All right, guys. Thank you again very much for joining me.
This is, what is today, the 28th, so I'm going to resume the regular Insomnia Hour as soon as, probably not this week, but next week. after the holidays are officially over and I can kind of stretch my legs a little bit. Uh, in the meantime, thank you again. Um, I'm gonna go get some sleep, man. This is a scar I cannot looks like blood tonight in the shadows no one