The Padded Room Podcast Ep.682 (Theater of Blood)

Hey, what's the deal with TV dinners?

Padded Room Radio is back on the air, motherfuckers. My name is Darian. I have returned for another week of horror bullshit coming right at your face holes. Did you miss me? No, you didn't. Don't lie. I appreciate you trying to lie to make me feel better about this whole thing.

But still, I know what's really going on. My main man Dusty's here. Hello, hello. What's going on, Big Dust? Oh, nothing much. Just listening to your sad opening. And you know what? We love that you're here. Oh, stop it right now. You're buttering me up. You're buttering me up for something.

I can tell. Oh, no, no. Yeah, yeah, sure, buddy. Sure, buddy. I need a race. God damn it. I knew that was coming. I knew it was coming. What's going on, dude? Oh, nothing. How you been? Anything going? Oh, boy. We got a dog.

Another dog. You got your fucking puppy, bro. Got a puppy. Okay, I've seen it. It's cute as shit. Yeah. What kind of puppy is it again? He is a Taliban terrorist, is what he is. That's a rare breed. Yeah, yeah. They're dying out quick. Yeah, but he's alive and well and just destroying everything he comes across. Does he come into the room and go...

See, everybody loves puppies. Yeah. But there is a lot of collateral damage. Oh, there is a lot. It comes with the puppies. There is a lot of collateral damage. And you got, what, a Frenchie? French Bulldog. French Bulldog. Cute as hell. Yep, good thing, because he would have been drop-kicked a few times by now if he wasn't so cute. Dude. Rubble was a puppy. That son of a bitch ate a Blu-ray remote. PlayStation 4 controller. Okay, that's some money. Not to mention various stains.

That are still lingering around the house. Oh, sure, sure. I mean, that just kind of comes with the territory. Yep. Axel is starting. His name is Axel. Yeah. Axel Steel Fury. Love it. Metal as hell, right? Absolutely. You've got to get him a studded collar. Oh, they're working on it. He's getting a skull with Rose's collar. Okay. And the Amazon. Problem is he doesn't like his collar that he's got. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. He's scratching at it.

all day. It takes some getting used to it. Yes. And the kid keeps taking it off. He doesn't like it. Well, he's got to get used to it. He's going to get used to that shit. So anyway. But yeah, baseboards. Anything is fair game for this chewing... row of teeth that he's got he's basically a bear trap on paws razor blades yes exactly and he'll bite you too oh yeah sure i mean he doesn't mean to hurt

Oh, no. It's like teething for a baby. He loves to bite the beard. Really? I don't know what it's all about. It's all the chicken wings. Probably. Chicken wings, ranch dressing. Ranch dressing. Yeah, exactly. Can I take a bite of your beard? Sure. Sounds delicious. I brushed it out before I came, but you know what? There's probably some residuals in there. Yeah, but it sounds amazing, man, and I am starving. God damn it.

All right, fuckers, we got a regular horror show to get into here. We got listener mail, horror news, all the usual things. I say we kick her off with a little horror news there, Dusty. Sounds good. Horror news.

What do you got, big fella? All right, so HBO has announced that Sinners will arrive on Max beginning Friday. July 4th. Okay. So coming up. Nice. Right on. Next weekend. Okay. I'll probably be hammered. Okay. Don't watch it when you're hammered. No. No. That's a bad idea. Yeah. I've done that. Yep.

The 4th of July on a Friday this year. That's kick-ass. Love that. That is kick-ass. We got to do something, man. I don't know. Well, you're going to be out of town, aren't you? Well, yeah, just in California over there in the mountains. Okay. I'll be drinking quite a few red and white beers. I think I will, too.

I got a new fire pit. My family got me a new fire pit for Father's Day. Oh, kick ass. Yeah, and it's got like these flammable skull things that are in it. Oh, dude. And a demon skull. Yeah, dude. When I light it up, it's pretty kick ass. Looks like the gates of hell. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, like a very...

Soccer Mom version of the Gates of Hell. Ah, gotcha. PG-13. Which is still pretty cool. There's no tortured souls burning in there, just some skulls. Not yet. Okay. But I'm going to work on that tortured souls thing. Yeah, so I'm going to be hammered in my backyard. Perfect. I wish I would.

Yeah, out gallivanting. Yeah, gallivanting. All right. All right. I was reading this article, and the MCU, I don't know, we've talked on our other show we haven't done in a while, the MCU show we do. But we've all talked about Blade, the new one, being in limbo, basically, right? Mm-hmm. So... The MCU Blade movie may finally be moving forward. Marvel Kevin Feige announced that Marshal Ali would be played Blade in a new MCU.

MCU movie back in 2019 at San Diego Comic-Con. Ali had uncredited voice cameo in 2021's The Eternals, which I don't remember because I saw it once and I did not like it. So voice cameo. Yeah. That means exactly nothing. Exactly. Exactly. So, however, the standalone Blade movie has been an uphill battle as the project has hit speed bump after speed bump.

The movie previously had a November 2025 release. However, it was removed from Marvel Studios' release calendar in 2024. Since then, there's been little concrete news about the Blade movie, leading many to suspect the film would never see the light of... Well, David S. Goyer wrote the screenplay for the original Blade trilogy. Yes. Remember that. Mm-hmm. Starring Wesley Snipes. Yep. Goyer previously said that given all the pre-production issues, the MCU movie was having...

Many friends, fans, and people on social media have asked him if he'd be open to returning to the franchise, at least to help Marvel get the project on the right track. So per Variety, Goyer said that he now has indeed reached out to Marvel. However, they told him that they don't need his help at this time. Thanks but no thanks. Awesome. So he said he had his agent call Marvel and say, hey, do you guys need any help?

And they said, we love you, but we think we've cracked it now, and we're in a good place. And then the latest thing happened, and so, no, they haven't contacted me, Goyer said. So this is kind of ominous, but he's reporting that they've said... We've got it. We've got it handled. So this is all from David Goyer. Right. Maybe, maybe not, but...

It's promising. Okay. So, we'll see. I'm going to put you on the spot here, Dustin. Sure. You've seen Deadpool and Wolverine. Yep. Do you bring Wesley Snipes back as Blade? If I'm running Marvel MCU, the Marvel? Yeah. Of course. Absolutely. I would love to do that. Okay, but we need to crack this on another show. On our other show. Yes. But just since we're already here, we might as well. So in theory, that blade, the Wesley Snipes blade... Is canon now. Right, but he died. In...

Well, you didn't see him die. Well, I think it was implied. Right, but okay, so theoretically... Well, Gambit is theoretically in that same hymn. Sure. Blade stayed back to cover for their escape. Right. But Gambit's going to be in the Avengers Doomsday, too. But is it Channing Tatum? Yes, it is. It is. So they're all throwing this big multiverse loop into everything. Oh. Okay. I mean, he's not bladed. I mean, he's...

You can do a lot with HGH. Let's just say that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He's a senior citizen is what I would say. I would agree. But he aged well. I mean, he looked good in that. I'm sure he could get back in shape. He probably could do something. did some fighting in Deadly Wolverine. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know if it was as good as his Blade movies, but then they CGI'd him in the...

Second one anyway. That's true. Yeah. All right. Well, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I would love to have him back. I like Marshal Ali, so I think he would do a good job with it. I'm not saying that I'm just like. Okay, but he is also Cottonmouth. So, that's another problem. Yes. You're supposed to... Suspension of disbelief, right? Okay, but I mean, I guess if Robert Downey Jr. can be Iron Man and Doctor Doom... Yes, and Chris Evans can be Captain America and Johnny Storm.

None of it actually makes sense, but at the same time, we just got to kind of fucking go with it. Go with it. Yeah. All right. Anything else, big guy? That's all I got, bud. All right, my man. Remember last week we talked about Saw?

It is now officially owned by Blumhouse. Yes, I did read that. I don't know if I care for this. You're going to get Saw movies once a year. Yeah, probably every three months. Yeah. And they're not going to make a lot of sense, and they're probably going to be rated PG. Yeah, they'll probably be crap. And probably that, too, yeah. They're going to cut away from every trap.

You're probably not even going to see the traps. It's just going to be implied. Blood splatter on the wall. Whatever happened was really gross, I'm sure, but I'll never know. God damn it. This is something I'm a little excited for. Are you ready for another Silent Hill movie? I'd read this. I am. Return to Silent Hill. It's going to hit theaters in January. Yep, I'm stoked. Yes. Now, if you need your Silent Hill itch scratched, there's a very strange... animated thing on Tubi.

But it's like a choose your own adventure deal. So you're literally, you have to sit there with your remote and make decisions for the characters. Oh, that's cool. It is. It doesn't really work for a movie. They had something similar to that on Netflix. I can't remember what the property was. It was a Black Mirror thing. Yeah. But this one didn't really work out as well.

I don't know. You've got to wait, and then you get a countdown, and you're looking at the character's face while he's thinking about what he's going to do. So it kind of takes you out of the movie. I don't know. But it's something worth thinking about, I guess. Yeah, like they tried to do the Until Dawn thing, because that's basically what it was. Not the movie, the game. Game into a movie. It was, you know. Yeah.

All right, so that's exciting. Yeah. Did you ever watch The Strangers Chapter 1? No, I didn't. Me neither. I did not hear anything good about it, to be honest with you. But The Strangers Chapter 2 now has trailers out.

Oh, so I guess it did well enough to get a sequel. I think it was one of those things where they filmed the whole shit at once. Gotcha. And now you've got this property sitting on your shelf, so you might as well kick it out there. See if you can recoup some of your losses. Get a few shekels. Yeah, exactly. I didn't watch the trailer, but I do know that it's going to pick up exactly where the first one left off. That's usually what happens when they film them back-to-back. Well...

Yeah, for the most part. So it's going to be like Halloween 2, kind of, where she gets taken to the hospital and he follows her to the hospital. So we'll see what's going on. Here's something I am actually excited about. This is probably going to blow your mind. It's called Waves of Madness. We've talked about this before on the show. It is going to be the first ever side-scrolling horror movie. It is now available on VOD. Is it? Yeah.

I want to watch it. Me too. I saw the trailers. It looks like a fucking side scroll. It looks like somebody's playing a video game and you're just watching. Awesome. I want to watch it. You know, and there's like dialogue, but it's like, hey, what's going on? I don't know. What do you think? Which is my best profile. Yeah, exactly. You only can see it from the side. Okay. So it's kind of cool, but I'm interested to see what comes of this.

Lastly, here's something I'm very, very excited for. Demian Rujna. I'm probably mispronouncing that. But he directed Terrified. Uh-huh. And When Evil Lurks. Yep, yep. He is teased, well... I think he's confirmed at this point, a Win Evil Lurks sequel. Really? Yes. So we get to see the demon possession after After Effects? Well... I mean... It's a, it's a pandemic. Right. So, yeah. So I mean like what I mean is, so basically the post-apocalyptic. Yeah. After everything's done and. I don't know.

Huh? Okay. I don't know. It might just pick up with that same... Where it left off? Yeah. Or it might just go off on some other guy that's trying to... Ah, yeah. You know? So it'd be concurrent. It wouldn't be a sequel. It'd be, hey, this is what happened to this guy during the demon pandemic. Yeah, yeah. Like a... parallel stories. I don't know. No details yet. Yeah, love it. Axe to the face, bro. Great movie. No details as yet as to what direction we're going or how that's going to work out.

Either way, I'm into that. Okay. Yeah, me too. You know what, man? I was thinking about that the other day. That is one of those movies that you can almost smell. Oh, yeah. It's stinking. When they go in the fat guy's room? Oh, good night. When they got him in the classroom and he's underneath the stage? Yeah. With all those... Yeah, a bunch of other dead bodies? God fucking damn it. No. If you had one whiff of dog poo...

come in the door from outside during that scene, you'd probably throw up. I'd love it. I'd love the dog poop. Give me the dog poop. At least I know what that is. You know what I'm saying? A bunch of dead bodies and flies and maggots get fucked. Putrefied. No way. All right, my man. That's all we got on the... Horror news. You ready for some listener mail coming at us? I am.

Listener mail. All right, here he comes all the way from the deep south. It's Alan. Alan. Padded Room, what's up? I hope everybody's doing good. I'm doing good. Let's see, was that song you played last week, was that Bob the Lynch Mob? As soon as you start talking about the lynch mob and the haunted palace, I was like, just thinking of that rap group, going after people. No, but you're very close. I actually saw the haunted palace. My 12th grade English teacher showed it to us.

I don't remember the context, but I do remember watching it. Okay. Um, let's see, Meat Hook, Lovecraftian movies. What do you think? Number one, I'm going to go The Mist. Yeah. Number two, um... Event Horizon, and number three, Evil Dead. I mean, Necronomicon. Necronomicon, yeah. You could flip that order. I love all of them. And Mr. Darian, are you Jacob's wife?

Oh, you got me. I'll talk to you all later. Bye. Well done, Alan. It was good to hear Tom Hardy. I hope he continues to be okay, doing good. I'll talk to you all later. Bye. As far as I know, he's good. He's a very busy man of late. As anybody who's seen the news knows what's going on there. But right on, Alan. Thanks for calling in. Alan called back. I guess he's got something else to say. Awesome.

Oh, yeah. I finally watched Dark and the Wicked. That's a kick in the balls. I like it, though. That's it. Talk to y'all later. Bye. That is a kick in the balls, Alan. Well said. God damn, that's a good show. I think what I like the most about The Dark and the Wicked is just the fucking creepy factor. You know what I mean? The whole movie is creepy as shit. But it stays on a very subtle level. Yeah, but it's...

I mean, it's, like, creepy. It is dirty, too. You know, it's, like, I don't know. It's fucking dirty. Yeah. It's got, like, um... Okay, so for lack of a better term and not to get too deep into a movie that we're not covering, it is kind of a haunted house situation, but there's more to it than that, obviously. But this house, it's not really a house. It's a farm. that's pestering these people. And when Dusty says it's dirty...

it's not just dirty, it's fucking mean, man. Yes, yeah. And it does, I mean, like, there's one pet peeve I have about haunted house movies, and that's the ghost vortex quake thing that seems to happen when the house starts shaking and everything. Covered doors up and down, you know. Yeah, it's, And then you're like, oh, okay. We couldn't think of anything better to do, so we're just going to...

Give you a magnitude 7 quake and call it good. Okay. Well, that's stupid. That doesn't really happen anywhere. But this thing, like it starts off with just the light coming on. Yep. Oh, go turn the light off. Comes back on. Turn it off again. Comes back on. Turn it off again. Oh, dead mom is levitating outside of your bedroom window, bro. Now we're there.

Before that, chopping fingers off of herself. Oh, yeah, of course. Which is the same exact mistake I made. I remember when you did that. Fucking ass. Hey. entities in the house here. I already did it. You did it once. We don't have to do that again. You had your laughs. Now, you know. hose off yeah exactly you got my fingertip okay that's all you're getting just a tip that's it just a tip thank you for not taking the whole knuckle god damn it

Right on, Alan. That is a kick in the nuts. Thanks for checking it out, by the way. I think more people should watch that movie. Speaking of Tom Hardy, here he is. Hey-o! Hey, Tom Hardy. Hey-o!

Padded Room, how's my favorite degenerate this week? We're doing good. Hope everyone is doing well. Let me in real quick there. Hey, on the Lovecraftian meat hook. What do you think? I've got to admit, I never thought of The Thing as a Lovecraftian horror story or horror movie, what have you. I guess the elements are there.

I'm not going to argue it, but, yeah, I guess it's it. That is it. So for my top three, I mean, you can't. I'm not going to argue it. You've got to give me Event Horizon. You know, as soon as you said it, that one immediately popped in my head. Sure. And number two, have to be cabin in the woods, man. Oh, yeah. You forget about it.

Because it's got, you know, it's zombies, it's a slasher. It's everything. It's meta and all that. Exactly. But in the end, it's also a Lovecraftian fucking horror flick, you know, when the Ancient One awakens. Mm-hmm. And then number one for me has always got to be In the Mouth of Madness. That's a good one. Really seemed to fit all the elements of a Lovecraftian flick.

On the Educate Department, I'm in a rut here, man. Come on. Don't know this one. You disappoint me, Tom Hardy. Got to catch the surfing in the rainbow again. Hadn't seen that one in a minute. That's a good one. Saw it came up. You've been doing some book reviews lately. I got another one coming at you. I strongly recommend it. It's a very interesting read, the book that it's based on. The author, I believe, is Wade Davis. And even though it is...

A portion of the book is spent on kind of the science of the tetra, tetra, I can't remember the name of it. Okay. The shit and the puffer fish. Okay. Zombie power. It's actually still, it's the way it's written. It's still very interesting and almost like an adventure story, even though it is, you know, it's an anthropology book. It's a fiction anthropology book. Okay.

Found it fascinating, found it interesting. I also got to catch the Puppet Masters, the one that's that sci-fi one. Oh, yeah, with the aliens? I always loved it. I think it's... More of a sci-fi than a horror, but it's still definitely a horror flick, man. Sure. Anyway, that's all I got this week. Hope all is well. Love you like family. Bye now. Right on. Thanks for calling in, Tom Hardy. Love you too, Tom Hardy.

Dusty, when was the last time you watched In the Mouth of Madness, bud? It's been a while, but, well, I seem to have remembered watching it. I tried to watch it, I think, about a year ago or so. I never got through it. It was one of those ones that you...

You throw it on when you're going to sleep or something like that, and I just never got through it. And then you wake up at the end when all the fucking monsters are coming down the hallway, and I was like, oh, damn, I missed the whole thing. Now it's over. Yeah. It's one of those ones you watch, and then you're thinking, okay, so...

Was this all in his head? No, it's in the book, because he's in the book, but he's still watching his own movie at the end. So it's one of those ones that you have to watch like five times, and you have to pick up on all the news. nuanced little things that go on, but that's kind of how Lovecraft is. Right, so it was a tunnel or bridge or something he crossed over into... There was a tunnel. Tunnel, right, yeah, and that's basically when he got into the Lovecraft territory. Yeah, yeah, but...

By the end, everything comes through the bridge, and you've got a post-apocalyptic thing going on. It's a good one. I still like it. Right on, dude. I guess... Other than that, you got anything for Alan or Tom Hardy? Oh, thanks for calling in. Or, yeah, just calling in, guys. Thanks. Appreciate it. Right on, dudes. I think it's time for a movie, Dusty. Sounds good. Does it, though?

Well, I mean, it's what we're doing. I was being positive. I was putting a glass half full spin on it. We've already committed, so we have to do it. We're not just going to sit here and, you know. All right. Wax poetry. We might as well. What the hell do you want here? You must be drunk. Quite insane! Oh my god! I missed the meeting, but my heart is with you. Can't believe it. His head cut off. These girls.

Dusty. Oh, jolly good time, sir. Oh, dear. Apparently it is a theater of blood from 1973. Oh, good heavens. Oh, dear. 7.1 stars on IMDb. This one stars Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, and Ian Hendry. It's got an R rating. I cannot imagine why. Directed by Douglas Hickory and written by Anthony Greville Bell. This is an attempt at a horror comedy. And I suppose some point, somewhere, somebody found... The funny little quips to be humorous? I guess. You've got...

You've got to be British to get this. I think so. I really do think so. And well-versed at Shakespeare. Right. Which I am not. I can tell you right now. Did you see how he delivered that line? Oh, dear. Overacting again, old boy. What the fuck? So we talked about it last week. It was on Tubi, so I was like, oh shit, I'll throw it on. It wasn't the Theater of Blood on Tubi. It was something of La Sangra.

So it was the Spanish version of this. Oh, okay. So I turned it on and I was like, what in the fuck? Because I tried to put on the subtitles and they were Spanish. Oh, shit. Well, I'm going to have to find the English version. God damn it. Shit. So then I go to Prime and I was like, oh, there we go. There it is. I didn't know. Once again, I purchased it for, oh, it's a buck. I'll get it. Sure.

Spanish again. Hola. I was like, son of a fuck. Shit. I finally found it in English on Prime, but, you know, after dropping another three bucks on it. God damn it, Dusty. Well. So I saw the beginning probably. Three times. Oh, you got this down then. The first five minutes of it. Sure. What the fuck is going on? Well, yeah, because I mean, really...

I feel like it needed English subtitles even though they were speaking English. I turned on the subtitles whilst watching it. Yes, it's very difficult to understand. I'm a bit deaf in my older years and, you know. Well, they talk very fast and it's all with these fucking Welsh accents. God damn it, man. Alright, well, whatever.

We are going to start off in jolly old England, in London, actually, and in a well-to-do couple's house, I guess, and they're having tea. Not to play up any ethnic stereotypes here. What else do you drink in England? Quacks and waddles. It could be a duck, right? Sure. I mean, that's all there is to it. Apparently, the gentleman of this couple is a... He owns some property. We'll get into the film critic part here in a minute.

And he gets a call from somebody saying there's a bunch of squatters in one of his tenement houses. So he's like, oh dear, I think I'll go ahead and see these ruffians out the front door, Ethel, if you know what I mean. And his wife is like... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had this terrible dream the other night that you went to the zoo and somehow you got put in the cage with the animals and the animals tore you apart.

Yes. And he's like, oh dear, don't be silly. And then he says, the magistrates are going to meet me down there and we'll see these ruffians out the front door. Make sure you wait for the constables, dear. Of course. Don't tell me my businesswoman. Oh, yeah. Dreadfully rude. So he goes down there, and this place is like an abandoned factory.

There's a bunch of tool cages and old machinery and stuff. He meets the constables down there. You can tell they're constables because they wear those funny bobby hats. Is that what they're called? Bobby hats? Is there a purpose to that? Are those like helmets? I don't know. I kind of want to get one just because I feel like...

Why not? Yeah, it'd go nicely with my Sherlock Holmes hat. You'd have to shave yourself a mustache. Well, of course. I don't think the wife is going to sign off on that. No, no. I look like a smuggler with a mustache, you told me. What kind of a smuggler?

hot dog smuggler uh he goes in there and sure as shit there's like an orgy of homeless people in there and they're all uh well there's two of them making out there's one of them uh Clearly hammered and just kind of sipping off a bottle of something. A bottle of like neon purple stuff. Sure. Did you see every time these drunkards were drinking out of their bottle? Weird.

Purple, like lavender, like neon purple. It's Mad Dog 2020, though, because that's what it is. But in England, they call it Dreadful Puppy 2020. That was stupid. That was a stupid joke, Dusty. I'm ashamed of myself. Get out of here.

But he goes in there, and the two constables meet him there. They go in, and they just kind of stand there. And he goes in there with his trench coat, and he's got a rolled-up newspaper. And he starts smacking all the homeless people like they're puppy dogs. Yeah. No! Nope. You get up. You get up out of here right now. You get up. That's bad. Bad homeless people.

And slowly the homeless people come out of their drunken orgy and they start brandishing weapons and breaking bottles. And then eventually they kind of corner them. And he's looking back at the constables. And now we can tell that something is awry here because the constables all have dirty homeless faces. So you're like, oh, what the shit? And then basically everybody...

Bum rushes the landowner and cuts him to shreds and kills him. Worst part about this scene is that the only thing preventing the landowner, or the property owner, I should say, from escaping is a sheet of plastic. And there's already a hole in it, Dusty. Right. You just got to give it a good... Just go on right through. But he hits the sheet of plastic and he's like, ah!

It's like he's against a solid wall getting stabbed. And then he turns around and there's blood all over the plastic. And then he slowly sinks down. And that's it. That's the end of that guy. Well, I don't even know what that fucking guy was. What are we even watching here, Dusty? I don't know yet. All right, from there, we're going to cut to what appears to be a very well-to-do gathering, tea party, dinner party. I don't know. They're all up in like a high-rise.

Yeah, apartment. Kind of a thing. Yeah. What do we got? Like six or eight people? Yeah, I think so. A couple of chicks. A lot of... It's your typical silver-haired, proper... Englishmen making... What they believe to be witty remarks at each other and being kind of snippy. Oh, yeah. Very snooty. Yeah. Super snooty. One guy's got two little puppy dogs. Oh, yeah. And he was very gay. Oh, yeah. Gay is a day is long. Yeah.

They're all having a great time. Everything's going great. And then eventually somebody shows up. A random hot chick that I think was his secretary. It was the main guy's secretary, yeah. Yeah. Because they started making, you know. sexist jokes are where's your dish of a secretary why don't you come in here and take some notes any dictation needed

Ridiculous. Anyway, in she comes with the news that the land property manager guy just got killed. Yeah. And everybody's like, oh, dear. He was supposed to be at the meeting. Yeah. Oh, well, let's go on without him then and pour some more wine, shall we? Very scary stuff. They're not all that broken up about it, except that she mentions that he was murdered and his body was found in this tenement house, and he was pretty well cut to shreds. So, okay, scary shit.

From there, we're actually going to cut back to... And we're going to come back to this thing periodically where we have Vincent Price in an abandoned theater. And he's got this... gang of drunk homeless henchmen that just kind of hang out and get hammered while he's performing acts of Shakespeare. Correct. I think he could have done better with the henchman department. He got the bargain bin henchman. Sure. I mean, what you want is like...

The clown mask guys that Joker has. Yeah, those guys are good. They're good. They can crack safes and stuff. Those are some good ones, yeah. And they're like robbing banks, you know? Yeah. You got yourself a gang of henchmen. Go make some money. The Russian mafia henchmen from John Wick. Those guys are good. Oh, those guys are nasty. Yeah, but no, he got these bottom barrel drunken idiot.

Henchman. He just went to the AA meeting and rounded up all the people that they kicked out. I will pay you in booze. Yeah. Come on with me. I got booze. I got this abandoned theater. You guys can fuck each other if you want. All you want. Won't say a word. Just no showers needed. Let's go. There's a hose out back. You can hose off every once in a while if you feel like it. Not mandatory.

Here's Vincent Price performing like King Lear in full costume with stage lighting and everything else. Oh, the whole shit, man. And he's doing a... A job. He's acting his heart out is what he's doing. It's a one-man show, Dusty, so he's putting it down. Eventually, of course, because he's got a drunken rabble there, they're all getting loud and boisterous, so he calls his stage manager over to... quiet him down. Now,

Clearly, there's something going on with this stage manager. It's a little guy with a big bushy fro and a handlebar mustache and these big aviator glasses. 70s style of glasses. Yeah, yeah. And he's wearing like a... like a suede vest, and he just goes down into the crowd and starts kicking people. Yeah, he looks like your typical 70s beatnik hippie type guy. Sure. He looks like he's really trying to look like a tough guy. Exactly.

We'll get more into that in a minute. All right. Interesting. From there, we're going to cut to the police investigating the body of our... property manager dude. They round up one of the guys from the well-to-do party, a guy by the name of Devlin. And we're going to come to recognize Devlin as the show goes on because he's the only one there without gray hair.

And he's got mutton chops. And he's probably the biggest prick out of the whole lot. I would disagree with you there. You think there's a bigger prick? Yeah, they all were fucking pricks. But he was the one that was kind of... Okay, keep going on. But he was probably the biggest prick when we find out what happened.

In the past. Okay. I will call him the leader of the pricks. There you go. Whatever this little prick society is that we'll get into more here in a minute. Okay. Very cool. Now we're going to cut back to Vincent Price and his gang of merry weirdos. Somebody rounds up. Well, first, I'm getting ahead of myself. During the investigation, the Scotland Yard guy is walking through the abandoned mill or whatever it was where the landowner guy got killed. And he's got...

Devlin with him, and they're walking around. They see Devlin's body. He's like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. And then they pull the shroud back, and there's like three spots of blood on him. Yeah. Whew. Yeah, it was terrifying. They saved a lot of their special effects budget to make up Vincent Price instead of supplying blood to the victims. Well, they did have to burn something down at the end. Yeah, that's where all the money went. Anyway, he's dead. He's supposedly horrible.

mangled. As they're walking through the Abandoned Factory, they see a poster for a stage play, a stage performance starring the great Edward Lionheart. And the detective's like, oh, the Edward Lionheart thing. And Devlin's like, oh yeah, that fucking guy. God. Couldn't act to save his life. Yeah, I wrote him so many terrible reviews. And this is where we come to understand that Devlin is a theater critic. Theater critic, yep. And all of his merry...

Fucking dandies up in the high rise. They're all like a gang of theater critics. I was watching, and I was like, theater critics really make that much fucking money back in the 70s? How the fuck do you get an apartment like that, and you need a secretary? He looks like he was living like an 80s cocaine dealer in America. What are you doing? Hey, I talk shit about horror movies on a weekly basis. Where's my fucking paycheck? You assholes. Maybe we need to...

Start being more critical. That's what it is. This movie is fucking shit. That's what it is. And no more doing shots before the show. Oh, yeah. We need to take this seriously, Dusty. But that's the funnest part. I know. How's your British accent, by the way? Not great. We are fucked. We are so fucked. All right, anyway, so that's going on. Now we're going to cut back to the abandoned theater, the Joker's hideout or whatever it is.

Our stage manager has picked up one of the other guys from the hoity-toity party and lured him in there, and the stage manager's like, oh yeah, Edward Lionheart is back, and he's preparing his comeback, and he wants you to be his publicist. So now we're going to find out that this particular Englishman, silver-haired guy, is part of that crew, but he's like the newspaper reporter that covers the...

Like the entertainment news kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. He's like their publicist or something like that. But she takes him into the theater and here comes Edward fucking Lionheart and he's all got his... makeup on and his costume and he's like you were the one who gave me a bad review and the newspaper guy is like oh dear you're back i thought we all thought you were dead he's like i live still

I have to tell you, inmates, every single... I love Vincent Price. I love him to death. He's probably my horror hero if such a thing exists. But he turned it up to 11 in this movie. By far, yes. Every single line. I think it was intentional. It has to be. I want to say it was intentional because he was a good actor. Absolutely. He basically laid it on thick. God damn.

It's 1973. I like to think he was doing some cocaine or something. Oh, yeah. I live still, Dusty, and you are going to cover my reemergence into the theater and my triumphant return. And the newspaper guy is like, well, I mean. You were never too good to begin with. You weren't that great. And I don't think anybody's really going to be interested. And Vincent Price is like, oh, no. So.

Now what we're going to do, if I remember right, he straps this dude down and cuts his heart out. Is that right? Yes. First, he catapults him up on the... Yeah. Because all the stage still works. Like all the gimmicks and shit. Contraptions. So he's standing on the trap door, but it's like a reverse trap door where it shoots you up on stage. Yep.

And he goes up there, and then he's up there, and he stabs him with the big spear. Yeah, that spears him, that one. And then he cuts his heart out. Yep. I don't think he delivers it just yet, but no. Actually, the next day, all the hoity-toity dudes are at the funeral of the property owner guy. And what he does is he ties the body of the newspaper guy to a horse, and he sends the horse running through the funeral. That part was pretty cool. Yeah. That's a way to say, fuck you.

Checkmate, motherfucker, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, this wasn't the guy who cut the heart out. No, that was the horny guy. Yeah, exactly. He does something else terrible to that dude, though. I forget what it was. It was just a spear, right? Yeah, just a spear and dragged by the horse. That's right. So he's dead. Dude, we got like 25 guys to kill here. I know. It's a long movie. It just goes on. We're knocking on the door in two hours with this son of a bitch. All right. Scary shit.

the detective is there at the funeral and as the funeral is happening before the horse with the dead guy rolls through uh devlin looks up and he sees a young lady running through like the tombstones carrying a bunch of flowers he gives her like the oh i think i know you look. And as the funeral's wrapping up, he hauls ass after her. And this is where we're going to meet Edwina Lionheart. She is Edward Lionheart's daughter. Fucking...

What? Narcissistic asshole. Who? Edward. Oh, yeah. I'm going to name my daughter Edwina. Edwina, yeah. Come on, man. You've got to do better. What's wrong with Helen? Yeah, or Claire, or whatever. Claire, Stephanie. Edwina. Edwina. They're going to call her Wina for short, by the way.

You brought that on yourself, fucker. Anyway, we get a little dialogue between Devlin and Edwina. We find, well, there's clearly some bad blood between the two, and Edwina is actually there on the point of putting... Flowers on Edward's grave, or... His crypt. Crypt, that thing, mausoleum thing where they put you in the wall. And then, like...

Devlin rolls up on her and he's like, what are you doing here? And she's like, you murdered my father. I did nothing of the sort. I did nothing of the sort, my dear. I simply told the truth. And this is where we're starting to realize that... Basically, Edward is very proud of his acting abilities. Unfortunately... Nobody else is. Yeah, that's putting it about as gently as I can. All these critics at one point or another gave him a bad review. We'll get more into the crux of that situation.

But it seems that Edward has somehow returned from the grave, and he is now wreaking vengeance on this gang of critics. At least that's where we're headed with this. All right. That's very exciting. Scary stuff. After that, now the police are kind of getting wise to what's going on. They think it's Edwina because we're all pretty sure that Edward is dead. Well, he's obviously not, right? He's up and he's got himself a band of henchmen.

A drunken gaggle of henchmen. Rob a bank, dude. That's what I would do. They'd all fucking get caught. That's true, but we'll start with liquor stores, you know? Yeah, they'd stay in there too long.

Probably right. They try to grab everything in the store. They go in there, just start opening bottles and slamming them down. And before you know it, you've got to help them out because they're all hammered. Stumbling out. Fucking assholes. You're right. You're right. The bobbies are going to come bash you with their sticks and their funny hats. The bobbies. Motherfucking bobbies. All right, from there, we're basically just going to be picking off the rest of these theater critics one by one.

The next guy up – now, we don't – the police are getting wise to it. Like I said, they think it's Edwina, but they are drawing the conclusions that – These guys all basically shat upon Edward Lionheart and now they're getting killed. So there's some Lionheart connection with the murders here. There is one film critic, the next one up. He is the horny guy of the group.

And all these guys are fucking jerk-offs. There's horny guy. There's drunk guy. There's hungry guy. There's the one female who I guess is glamour lady or something like that. There's two females because... One female. The hairdresser. Right, but the other one was the in bed. Oh, well, no, that's other horny. Well, that's jealous guy. No, no, no. Because that was her husband. Right. Yeah. Right. So there was two female critics, and that was her husband in the bed that gets, you know.

Oh! I think that's the third one. I'm thinking of the massage. Right. No, yeah. Which is... Yeah. That's a fucking way to go. Okay, anyway. So anyway, yeah. The next guy up is Horny Guy. He's at a... Now... they've mentioned at this point that they want police protection and they say okay well let's get everybody together and i'm going to put an officer with everybody Just to keep an eye on you. Clearly they're after you guys. So murders are happening.

You guys are, you know, go on about your daily lives, but at the same time, you're going to have a cop with you at all times. Well, the one guy misses the meeting where the cops are being handed out because he's at a cafe and a hot... Blonde number walks up. Blonde number walks up and she's like, oh, you know, that newspaper guy, he was going to come to my performance or my rehearsal and he was going to give me some notes on my performance.

And horny guy, of course, is just already putting his hand on her leg. There were many boundaries with these guys. Dude, if you're an English gentleman, you just pull your dick out. Just start grabbing. Just pull your dick out. Somebody's going to jump on it. Yeah, no bad reason. It's the proper thing to do, Dusty. In the 70s, it just was expected. Fuck yeah, dude. Everybody is James Bond, apparently.

So, yeah, that's what happens. She's like, oh, dear, your dead friend was supposed to come to my rehearsal and he was going to give me some notes. He's like, oh, my dear. I would be honored if you would let me come to your rehearsal. So, basically, he goes with her to the quote-unquote rehearsal, which we know immediately is happening at the drunk...

Vincent Price layer of a theater. They get in there and the first thing she says is, well, it's a crowd participation performance, my dear. So what you need to do is we're going to give you some... lines and you're going to deliver the lines and then we're going to interact and I guess this is Merchant of Venice which is the one where the guy collects a pound of flesh never read that one sounds boring as shit

So now here comes Vincent Price and he's got like a silly nose on and he's wearing all of his Ren Faire stuff and he's like... I require a pound of flesh because you've cheated me. And the poor guy is like, oh, am I supposed to read some lines then? She hands him a script and he's lazily making his way through these lines. And eventually all the bums jump on him and they hold him down. And I'm cutting through a lot of this.

Because there's like a lot of Shakespearean dialogue involved here. It goes on and on. Yes. And it becomes very tiresome after a while. They hold him down and then Vincent Price comes and... rips his shirt open, and he's supposed to collect a pound of flesh, but he just cuts his heart out, and then they weigh it on the scales, and then that's like the performance. It was a little too heavy.

Remember, you had to cut a sliver off to make it exactly 16 ounces. Excellent. Good to know. All right. So... Now, everybody else is back at police headquarters waiting on this dude to show up while one of them is trying to track him down. They're like, oh, we almost found him. He was at a... cafe but they the waiter said that some hot chick showed up and they took off together they're like oh that's typical ted

Or whatever his name was. And then a random box shows up at police headquarters. Open it up. Of course, it's the dude's heart. Yep. So the dead man's heart has been delivered. Right in the middle of the whole... police meeting thing so now we know that some shit is awry and um we still think it's probably edwina behind all this but everybody is pretty sure that edward is dead I think, isn't this when Devlin or whatever his name is starts to put together all the...

murders and how they coincide with Shakespearean plays? I think so. Yeah, so far. Now we're going to cut to another one of our film critics. That night, that very night as a matter of fact.

getting ready for bed uh comes in and his wife is like hey this big fucking trunk is here um the the maid said that it was just at the doorstep and the guy's like all right well off to bed then yeah He's all, no, move it, you twit. Yeah, but he can't move it because he's like 95 years old. Yeah, it weighs 1,000 pounds. It's like this...

fucking size of a coffin. Yeah, it's a big chest, like the big chest in Legend of Zelda. You know the big one? The big, yeah. He puts some effort into it. He's like, alright, I'm going to bed. Yeah. Off to bed they go. You will move it first thing in the morning. Absolutely, dear. Oh, dear. So sorry. Of course, out pops Vincent Price in the middle of the night.

Trojan horse tactic. Trojan horse. Goes and lets his biker stage manager in the front door, and they proceed to do a little surgery. Yep. It's silly as shit. They legit go into surgical mode. They've got... He's just a ham. He cannot help himself from acting. He's got to perform, Dusty. He's got to dance. He's got to feel the stage. He needs a spotlight. This is dumb as shit. It's supposed to be a comedy. It was not fun.

It might have been to somebody somewhere. First they inject the wife with anesthesia, and then they inject the husband with anesthesia, knocking them both completely out. Then they gown up, scrub up, scalpel. Scalpel, doctor. Forceps. Forceps, doctor. And then the lipstick, of course. He's got to do a line. A line across his throat. He basically cuts the old guy's head off. Very silly.

There was a geyser of blood flowing. He was like, Basin! Basin, damn you! Hurry up! You're making a mess! What will the maid say? This is pretty silly. She wakes up in the morning. Actually... The wife doesn't wake up. The maid comes in in the morning with their breakfast. Again, what the fuck was the average paycheck of a theater critic in 1973? I'm telling you, it was a very lucrative business back then. They got a maid.

they're getting served breakfast in bed for christ's sakes uh and sees the the dead well all the blood all over the sheets and then the wife wakes up and she's like harry wake up and then his head just rolls off on the floor and that's the end of that guy Now is when we got to get serious because what are we down? We're already down like four guys. So it's going to get more dead guys if we don't figure this shit out pretty quick.

So this is when the detective rolls up on Devlin, and he's like, okay, I'm seeing the irony of the Shakespearean angle, and I've got Edwina. Lionheart, her whereabouts are accounted for. There's no way she did this. So what are you thinking Edward isn't? Tell me more about Edward. And this is where we go into flashback territory. This is, speaking of hammy, and just overacting, and just really cranking it up to 11. Yes, this was ridiculous. This is pretty silly. So, apparently there is like a...

Critics' Choice Award for the theater in London. Basically, Best Actor. Of the theater in London. Best actor. Every year. Yes. Every year somebody gets it. We're up on the big ceremony. Edward was 99.99% sure it was coming to him. It was coming to him this year.

They make the big announcement. They're like, okay, and the winner of Best Actor for the local theater is? He was starting to stand up and everything. He stood up, and he was headed towards the stage, and then they called somebody else's name. Charlie Woodrow. Charlie Woodrow. That son of a bitch. But I don't know. I mean, I kind of felt like they did it just because they didn't want to give it to Edward. Oh, yeah.

That's the feeling I got when they're basically talking shit about him the whole time. Wasn't it great when he stood up and we said, not you, dickhead. That's basically what happens. A bunch of bullies. Yeah. And now we're at the after party with all these snooty-tooty fuckfaces. And they're all having a big laugh about how Edward should have got it, but they gave it to the new kid instead. And Edward, like, kicks the door into the...

party. And he's like, I am here for what is mine! You will not give my award to that knave! And he walks in and he picks up the trophy or whatever it is. And then his daughter comes in after him, and she's like, Dad, come on. This was after he started his big soliloquy around the balcony of the guy's house, the high-rise apartment. He's got a...

wrap-around balcony outside. So cool. He's doing the... I think he's doing Macbeth out there, basically. No, it's Hamlet. Hamlet, okay. He's giving the monologue about to die, to dream no more. Yeah, exactly. But he's, again... really turning it up he's like oh to die to dream no more oh sweet death come upon thee oh my god buddy chill the fuck out

But he's, like, staggering around. His daughter's there. She's like, you guys are a bunch of fucking assholes. You know he's the best actor. And they're like, we know. We just didn't want to give it to him. And they're just laughing at him the whole time he's out there. Oh, yeah. But at the same time. What are you doing, bro?

walk in there, tell everybody to kiss your ass, snatch the fucking trophy, and run! Run the fuck out of there. Don't stagger around the outside of the balcony. But that's what he decides to do. That's a different creative choice, I guess. While he's... Delivering this monologue from Hamlet. like high-rise apartment is overlooking the River Thames. You can see the London Bridge in the background and you can almost make out the Tower of London. So it's over a river.

As he reaches the apex of this big monologue, his daughter goes out and she's like, Dad, you're making an asshole of yourself. And then he goes, to live no more. And then he falls into the river things, which looks like a good, I don't know. About 30 stories or so. Yeah, something like that. So for all intents and purposes, he should be dead with a Best Actor award in his hand.

Fucking A, bro. You really showed them who's boss. They're up there getting hammered laughing at your fucking ass. The only one that was disturbed by it was your daughter. Was your daughter. So you really showed them. All right, well, that's fine. So Devlin's like, yeah, so that's how we know he's dead because he fell off of that balcony into the fucking river and his body was never recovered and that's that. Excellent.

Now we go on to the next dude. Wasn't it the poodle guy? No, I think it was the drunk guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. But regardless, I feel like every one of these guys has some kind of vice that he capitalizes on. Like I said, you've got horny guy, drunk guy, hungry guy. Well, not so ambiguously gay guy with his poodles. Glamour chick. Yeah, yeah.

You know, but whatever. Yeah, you nailed it. You nailed the undertones of this. I feel like it was like a Seven Deadly Sins just way too dandy. All right, anyway, here comes Drunk Guy. He is due to be at a wine tasting.

And now at this point, the police are taking this seriously. So everybody has their own personal cop that follows them around. But all these cops suck. So bad. And they don't really want to do anything much. No interest in helping at all. He's like, all right, I'm going to my wine tasting. He goes to like one of those, it's a bar.

But it's got its own wine cellar. So he gets in there, and everybody's having a great time. Everybody's got their tuxedo on. Oh, a 1954 Chalmur, blah, blah. So tasty. Oh, I'll have another. Yeah. He pours them a half glass for a taste, right? So the whole thing about a wine tasting is you take a sip, right? Yeah. And grab it, and then they'll give you another glass, right? But they try to take the...

Oh, no. I'll finish it. He's getting hammered is what's happening. Now, because we know that this guy is not leaving here alive, we are looking at the fellow wine tasters, and they're a bunch of sluggers. Lovingly, dirty-faced chuckleheads, like, kicking each other in the pants. It's the... Having a great time. The homeless winos. That's what it is. The stage manager, quote-unquote, with the handlebar mustache, comes out, and he...

He is like, the duration of the wine tasting will take place down in the wine cellar, you see. So everybody goes downstairs into the wine cellar, and then that's where out pops Vince Edward. And he's like, oh, drink some more, you drunk bitch. And of course now the drunk guy is like, Edward Lionheart, you're supposed to be dead.

I am not dead. I should do my own one-man play. You should. You have to turn every time you switch characters up. Absolutely, because I'm talking to myself like a fucking idiot. He comes out, he's like, I'm going to drown you in a vat of wine. And then all the drunkos pick him up and stick him in a vat of wine and they drown his ass. Yep. Seal the lid shut. Seal it shut. He's done. He's dead. He's out of there.

So there's another one gone. At this point, I think we're down to one chick. Didn't somebody die in a race car? I feel like there was like a race car situation. No, I think it was just the poodle guy, Devlin, and the chick. Is that what we're down to? I think so. You could be right. I could have swore there was some fucking thing in a race car. Anyway.

So, yeah, that's what happens. He's dead. Now Devlin is going to his weekly fencing club thing. Yeah, what the fuck? It's an English thing. Yeah, okay. I mean, to be fair...

I would not mind swinging a sword at somebody. Yeah, but I mean. Just to try it out. Okay. So here we go. He shows up at his fencing club. class, whatever it is. There's nobody there except for one guy who's already suited up in fencing gear and he's got that face cage on him. So you can't see who it is. Of course, as soon as he starts talking, we're like, that's Vincent Price. So he's like, he's doing his best.

Swedish accent I'm not even going to attempt it I'm not even going to try it I'm here from Sweden and I'm going to fence you And he's like, oh, good. I've been off a couple of weeks and I'm rehabbing an injury. So right before they actually tee off on each other, Devlin's like, hey, man, you've got to put one of those safety nubs on your fencing sword. On your saber. Your saber. And he's like,

Do I? How about you just take yours off? So he knocks Devlin's safety nub off his saber, and now they're having a legit sword fight. He showed him who he was. Yeah, of course. He's like, it is me, Lionheart. And then they have the most ridiculous fucking sword fight. Now, this movie was made in 1973, which puts Vincent Price roughly 62 years old at the time. Oh, it wasn't him. No, he's doing fucking kickflips and spinaroonies. Fencing on dueling trampolines. Fuck yeah, bro. Why not?

They're like bouncing back and forth. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. Dude, let's go. Let's get it. Eventually... Apparently Lionheart has been practicing quite a bit. Instead of once a week, he's been going twice a week. Twice a week, and he also goes to trampoline flip class.

Because he's got that down, too. And eventually, he knocks Devlin down on some bleach. Oh, they go all over the whole gym. Yeah, they're chasing each other. Balance beam. Yeah, really tearing each other's, like... whatever that chest thing is uh the whole thing is really insane eventually he knocks devlin down pops his mask off and he's like i'm not going to kill you devlin i'm going to kill you when i'm ready but that's not right now and he's like

Alright then, Lionheart, how did you survive that fall? And this is where we go back to flashback country, where we see Lionheart make the big fall into the Thames. drift around a little while and then he washes up on the bank somewhere under a bridge where there's just a gang of drunk fuckers hanging out uh and they they approach him as if he were like a crashed alien ship

Yeah, they're trying to basically scavenge from him. Yeah. Oh, there's a dead body. Sweet. He's got some new clothes on. We're going to go take all this shit. But as soon as he wakes up, everybody runs behind something. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Dude.

It's not like you, he's not Jet Li. He's not going to get up and kick everybody's ass. He's been floating in a fucking river for two days. Well, maybe they thought he was, you know, a zombie or something. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Scared him because they thought he was dead. I'm sure they've seen their share of dead bodies.

He's floating down the river. That could be. That could be. And that is where he got his band of drunken henchmen. Yeah, so he didn't go to the henchmen store. They actually found him. They found him. And basically made them their leader. Yeah, yeah. He's the only one that wasn't...

rocking a 1.2 blood alcohol content. So you're like, wow, this guy's pretty fucking together. Let's just follow him around. Maybe he could talk to the security guard at the mall about letting us use the bathroom again. Oh, stupid. But there's really... I would like a little more backstory as to how they came under his command.

that's what I'm saying he's the smartest of the bunch yeah it doesn't fucking matter I guess anyway very cool now we are seriously thinking that Edwina is part of this so we go round her up she is actually a film director now or something I think she was doing commercials something she's a director she's on a movie set and we have to go pull her off of that Devlin is like hey man

I know you're not killing anybody, but I think you know who is, and I think it might be your dad, so maybe you could just tell him... If you just tell him to stop, then... We can just pretend that he's not killing people. I didn't particularly like any of those guys to begin with. You eliminated my competition, really. Yeah, just tell him to chill out. I think that's the best way to go about it.

Now we're going to cut to our fashionista, and it's time for her hair appointment. And this is probably my favorite part of the whole movie. Where we get to see flamboyantly gay 62-year-old Vincent Price. That was awesome. As Butch the hairdresser. Butch the hairdresser. She shows up to her hair appointment. The cop actually goes in with her.

But Butch, the afro-toting gay Vincent Price comes out and he's like, look at your hair, baby. I can't wait to get my hands on it. And who's this big hunk of man you brought with me? Is that for me? That's my escort. Yeah. You can tell this cop is like, can I just wait somewhere? Outside, away from this guy? Can I get into a different zip code and wait for you there? Is that possible? And Butch is just eyeing him up the whole time.

The actual salon is downstairs, so the cop wants to stay as far away from Butch as possible. He takes her downstairs, puts her in the hair... The dryer thing or whatever. Perm thing, whatever it is. And he's like, we're going to try something new, baby. It's from Gay Perry. And then he straps her into the thing and hooks her up with electrodes. Yeah, so he had the rollers. And she's like, oh, these are...

Very odd rollers, Butch. And he's like, yeah, they're brand new from gate. They all got fucking wires hanging out of them. But then he like secures her to the chair, restrains her, and then the stage manager shows up behind him and throws a switch. And basically... He made his homemade electric chair. Yes. And the whole place fills with smoke. Butch, or...

Edward and the stage manager fly out of there as the cop goes down and finds the disgusting charred husk of a film critic down there. Very scary.

Now we're going to cut to the gay guy, the other gay guy's palatial estate. Yeah, all these people making bucks. In his two little poodles, he is another hungry guy. So out comes... And he's dressed like a chef this time. And he's serving him all these exquisite dishes and exotic things. Well, I think they've...

they've fooled him into thinking that he was on TV. I must've been something in England in the seventies where some chef comes to your house and surprise, we're going to make you your favorite dish or something like that. Really? Cause he had his, they had a camera, a prop camera. in the back so he was saying that he's some kind of a chef he's going to make you I made you his perfect dish and we want to film you eating it whatever you know so okay that's I think how they feel they

tricked him into doing what he did. Sure. I'll buy that. At this point, I was pretty much checked out. Me too. This is when I start hitting the display button on the Blu-ray. Oh, fuck, another 22 minutes? God damn, son. Anyway, they made him some kind of a meat pie or something like that, and they feed it to him. He's like, oh, that's delicious. What is it? And they're like, it's a...

Ecuadorian meat pie. It's very exotic. And he's like, where's my dogs? Where are my babies? Reminded me of that scene in Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah. Aria? Yeah. Served up. Your sons are here, my lord. Your sons are here. Yeah, same thing. So basically they killed the dogs and fed them to the big fat gay guy. And after he figured it out, he's like, oh, oh, Edward, it's you. And then all the bums come in and they hold him down and take one of those...

Funnel. Batter. I look like one of those batters. Oh, I think you're right. It could be. And they shove it in his mouth and they basically make him eat to death. Right. Excellent. Well done. Now we're down to just Devlin. Thank Christ for that.

They round up Devlin. They take him to the theater. And they're going to make... Oh, this was stupid. They're going to make him present the award for best actor to Edward. And if he refuses, he gets two... It's got this weird contraption. It's like two wires coming down and some kind of fucking trolley with two knives. Jab his eyes out. They're basically going to stab him in both eyeballs if he doesn't present the award.

Give him the fucking award. Just walk out of here. I can't do it. I can't. I can't bring myself to do it. My integrity will not be compromised by your foolish acting. Stand by my decision. Your eyes are going to be gouged out. There's your award. Can I just go please? This is ridiculous. He is refusing and at this point the cops have caught on to the whole thing. They're on their way to the theater.

It's like this old decrepit theater that nobody uses anymore. Devlin is adamantly refusing to present Edward with the award. There is, of course, a very stupid theatrical contraption involving a sandbag where the weight... He cuts a hole in the sandbag so the counterweight is going up as the trolley with the knives is coming down towards Devlin's face. To be fair, that would be pretty painful. Just a slow knife stick to your eyes.

But he is adamantly refusing to acknowledge Edward in any way, shape, or form. And now the sirens are blaring and the cops are coming. The fucking sandbag gets caught on a statue or something like that. On a stage proper. Yeah. And... This is when Edward's like, well, you know what? You don't want to give me the award? Go ahead and fuck yourself then. So he grabs a torch off of a wall sconce, runs around and starts lighting the theater on fire.

Apparently there was just empty gas cans laying around because once you light one of the curtains on fire, kaboom! Big explosions. Fucking roof is coming down. Oh, shit. Now this is where we get the big reveal that the stage manager was actually Edwina the whole time. She takes off the mustache and the glasses and the wig. Unfortunately, one of the drunk henchmen...

I don't know, was startled by that. So she picks up the award and smashes Edwina over the head. I think it was because he was burning up their home. Okay. They got pissy at him. Okay. Finally. Sure. They came to their senses and they're like, what the fuck are you doing burning this place down? And then he bashes her with the... That's what I kind of took out of it. I'll buy that. Either that or...

Bipolar manic She might have been hallucinating That's a fucking orc right there Bam unfortunately Edwina goes down um the cops come in just as just in time to save Devlin they get him out of that stupid contraption and uh Edwina wakes up for a second, but then she's like, oh, what? And then I guess she just dies again, which is very strange. Edward grabs her body and starts climbing the theater. This is his scene as King Kong. That's what it is. He throws her over his shoulder and scales the...

That's what it is. He's missing the airplanes for him to swat at. It's a full-on inferno, though. But all the cops and a bunch of onlookers are out in the street. He's up there again, monologuing, carrying his dead daughter. Makes it all the way to the roof. and apparently falls through like a skylight or maybe just that part of the roof collapses and goes plummeting down to the theater where he apparently dies in the fire.

And outside, again, Devlin is like, dreadful performance, old boy. Overacting again, I see, Lionheart. He did know how to make an exit, though, didn't he? Stupid, man!

This is not a good movie. No. I am sorry. It was not. And I paid... Twice for it. I got that going for me. I'm going to buy you a beer because I feel like I owe it to you. It's the least I can do. That's all right. Either that or I'm going to take you to the Shakespeare Festival. I'll take the beer. It's pretty hard to watch, man. It did not need to be an hour and 44 minutes long. It was a drag.

Some of the kills were kind of cool, but at the same time, you don't really get to see much. A lot of it's just implied. You know, it kind of gave me the... the feeling of, you know, back in the eighties when slashers were so popular and it was just like slasher of the fucking week, right? Everybody had a stick and a gimmick and you know, this, that's kind of what it felt like to me. Sure. Basically a eighties. type slasher, but hey, let's make it.

Every Shakespeare play has a theme of someone to die, and we'll make it like that. That'll be the slasher. That sounds like a very English thing to do. I mean, come on. We need some boobs. We need some kind of a party. scene. I was hoping the little secretary would, but no dice. Or even Edwina. She wasn't bad. Alright, let's take us a break there, Dusty. Alright, thank you.

Hey, inmates. If you like what you hear, head over to the Padded Room Facebook group and support us through the patron link with a small monthly donation. Check out the T-Villain link at paddedroom.podbean.com and grab some t-shirts. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the show. And we're back there, Dusty. Yes, we are. Oh, buddy, I've been doing a lot of driving lately. So you've been doing a lot of reading. Doing a lot.

Reading while you drive. Quote-unquote reading, yes. By that I mean listening while somebody else. That sounds dangerous. It is. Listening while somebody else reads to me like I'm a fucking kid. Yep, yep. You know what I mean? You know how hard it is sometimes to stay awake while somebody's reading you, especially if you've got a boring book on? I do. I fell asleep many times whilst listening to a book that was not very interesting. I get that. I get that.

Do I really need to rewind these couple chapters? Yeah, fuck it. Let's just keep going. Wait a minute. So that guy's dead now? Okay. All right. I think I got... I'll just keep moving forward. Well, I've got a road read for you, amigo. All right.

road reads. Uh, This week, I managed to get through The Haunted by Jack and Janet Smurl with Ed and Lorraine Warren. Now, this is going to be the basis of the upcoming Conjuring film. Ah, I want to read this one. Sure. No? Well, I mean, okay. So first, a little personal history. Nurse Nicole and I kind of bonded over...

this book and the made for TV movie that came out in 1992. Okay. We both watched it when we were way too young and it scared the piss out of us. And like, I think she is still traumatized by it to this day. It popped up on Shudder like three, four years ago. for like a week and a half. So I watched it. Doesn't hold up? No! No! It stars Sally Kirkland and a bunch of nobodies. And it's bad. I mean...

I guess there were certain points where I was like, okay, I could see how nine-year-old me might have been off-put by this. Isn't it disappointing when you revisit something you thought you loved when you were a child or was scared you when you were a child and you're like... This is fucking poo. I cannot play any video games. I...

prior to the original PlayStation that I played when I was a kid. Oh, I can't. They're just nerve-wracking, man. I'd go back to Nintendo, but it's because I got all the emulators and shit. Now you can play them on the Switch. Yeah.

I suck. Yeah. I suck way hard now that I'm older than that. What's worse is you look back and you're like, how did I have the attention span to do this? Little fingers. Little fingers. And you fucking played all night. That, and you put the music on behind you. You can't do that. with video games now. It's all these storylines. It's like watching a movie. Yeah. God damn it. Anyway, the made-for-TV movie was not that great. Scared the piss out of me as a kid. Finally, I read the book.

How do you feel about Ed and Lorraine Warren? The real Ed and Lorraine Warren? You know, they've had so many things of their exploits turned into... Stuff we like, horror stuff. But I don't know. I've seen a documentary on them. They seemed to me like they were a bit of a flim-flam man, if you will. Like a dog and pony show. Now, to their credit... I think, like, you have to be Catholic, number one. You have to live on the East Coast where it's predominantly Catholic. And it certainly helps it.

You had movies coming out around this time frame like The Exorcist and Rosemary's Baby. So there was like a certain Satan paranoia amongst the Catholic community. And the East Coast is a very older part of the country. Oh, yeah. So things are, you know, you can stay, oh, this is... from the revolutionary days when it's old and there's ghosts and shit. A lot more history over there on that end of the country. If you're willing to sign off on all of that, then more power to you. But I think...

Trying to be the optimist about this, I think a lot of these people actually believed that they had something going on, and then they showed up, affirmed that, and then did whatever the hell... dog and pony show that they did to ease their almost like a placebo effect and then they collected a paycheck wrote a book about it and took off so on one hand sure maybe on the other hand

Looking back, it's kind of like you're kind of exploiting these people. Oh, yeah. I mean. Kind of predators on people's troubles. If you're making them feel better, good for you. And now there's all this weird stuff coming out about like. Ed's fucking... He had some sexual exploits that are... It is not...

Vera Farmiga and Patrick Lewis. Oh, no. And they do not look anything like those two. They are a couple of trolls. But regardless, back to the haunted in the Smurl case. It fits right into that mold. East Coast Catholic. The Smurls were Catholic, very devout. And it just kind of hit that right note where they felt they couldn't get away from this evil presence. And here comes the Warrens to save the day.

But at the end of the book, they kind of just quit writing it. So they were still in the throes of whatever fucking they were going through. And they're like, well, we did everything we could. So see ya. There's no ending there. I mean, that's how they left it. I'm sure if I really wanted to do the research, I could find out what happened to the squirrels.

I don't really care. Gotcha. Didn't draw your attention that much that you didn't even care to do some research. No, not really. And a lot of this book, a lot of the narration of this book is... Them selling the reader on what good Catholics the Smurls were. So it's a lot of, Mom, you've got to be strong and you've got to use your faith and be brave and stand up to this thing. And dad comes in and he's like, you're not going to separate my family because we believe in the Lord.

Yeah, so there is an extra scoop of that involved. Now, I have confidence that this next Conjuring movie is going to kick ass. I don't have a lot of confidence in the real Ed and Lorraine one. The book is fine. You've got to know what you're getting into. It's a lot of Catholicism, a lot of virtue signaling, a lot of, oh, we're so perfect. And I mean, we're a perfect family and nobody cheats on anybody and nobody gets drunk on the weekend. And we just come home and go to Bible study.

Well, at least we don't talk about it. It probably happened. I would freaking hope so, man. But that's like the selling point of the... I forgot to talk about that guy. The selling point of the whole book is that these were just the perfect Catholics and they got fucked with by this evil thing. And here comes the Warrens to save the day. Huh. All right. Not that great. If you read the Amityville Horror or any of the other Warren books.

the Perrone case, then you've pretty much read them all from my understanding. I'm going to say if you're that curious, go right ahead and check it out. It's six hours and 31 minutes, I believe. on Audible, available for one credit. If you'd rather, it's available on the Kindle for $7.99. So, there's that. Yeah, there's your library. I'm going to say, you know what, I'm going to be bold, I'm going to say skip it. Okay.

Unless you're Catholic, in which case this will probably scare the shit out of you. All right. So there's that. Well, I'm neither, so... Yeah, me neither. So that's probably why it didn't really hit home with me. Gotcha. Scared the piss out of me when I was a kid, though. The TV movie. That made-for-TV movie, yeah. But it didn't hold up when you watched it again. No, in fact, don't watch that, because then I'm going to be embarrassed.

You're going to be like, you were scared of this, you big nitty? They're all wearing Cosby sweaters. What a vagina you were. Oh, shit. All right.

How about a little what are you looking at? Oh, by the way, inmates, we'd like to know if you have any audible recommendations. Let us know. Mental Health Hotline is area code 775-387-0275. Or just drop us an email, mail at paddedroompod.com. What do I need to read here? Because I'm balls deep in Warhammer 40,000 books right now. He's on 62 of 275. They just keep cranking them out, Dusty. I'm never going to get to the end of this.

And I don't want to re-virginize myself by going down that rabbit hole. All right. How about some what are you looking at then? All right. what are you looking at hey i finally got around to wrong turn from 2021 new one oh shit yeah yeah i've been dragging my feet on that one Not very good. No. Not very good at all. Not scared of those guys. Nope. The foundation. Actually, I kind of... From my recollection, it was very...

Social commentary-esque? No? Well, a little bit, but it kind of boiled down to them just wanting to get the hell away from everybody. And if you go up on that mountain, then they're going to kill you. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. I'm not too scared of that, because... Not hillbilly cannibals. No, no. Where's all the hillbilly cannibals? Yeah, that's what I'm scared of. Those brothers, man. Can I just say one thing, though? How much did the leader of that hillbilly clan look like our friend Jeff?

Stunning, my man. I didn't even realize that. Stunningly. You know what? I'm going to pull a picture of him up real quick. I was like, that is fucking Jeff right there. Jeff has a much better body, though, I'm sure of that.

I watched that, and then my daughter put on Predator, Killer of Killers, so I just watched it again. Watched it again. Yeah. I still think the final segment was the best. Oh, yeah. I agree. That Predator with the eye catch. Oh, no, no. I thought you were talking about the wraparound. Yeah. No, I meant the World War II one. Yeah, I'm sticking by my Japanese... The ninjas? The ninja and the samurai? That was pretty dope, too. That's all I got to watch this week, buddy. What do you got?

Not a whole lot. Like I said, been chasing a crazy puppy around and yelling at my daughter to clean up after said puppy. That's a horror movie in itself. It was, exactly. The dog was sleeping. Oh, yeah. He looks just like Jeff, right? He looks like Jeff. Holy shit. Yeah. Especially when he had a beard. Yeah. Wow.

So, anyway, what was it? Oh, yeah. The dog went and finally took a fucking nap, so we watched Scream together because it popped up on HBO. Very cool. She hadn't seen it before. The first Scream? The first Scream. Nice. original i watched that with my daughter a couple months ago yeah it's uh she liked it she thought she kind of guessed you know obviously she guessed stew

I don't know, Stu. What's it? Billy. Yeah, Stu. Billy Loomis. Yeah, but she guessed it was Stu. Oh. And I was like, oh, he's a goofball. I don't know. I was trying to lead her off. I was like, no, it could have been him. And then she's like, oh, he. Maybe it's Billy, and then when he gets stabbed, you know, it's like, it wasn't him. Who was it? It was kind of neat watching it for the first time.

with her and seeing her reactions to the things. See, your daughter's old enough to where she can kind of... She might remember some of that stuff. I had to explain to mine the video rental store. Oh, yeah. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't know that? No, hell no. Oh, I thought she might... No. No, now that I think about it. The last blockbuster who left Reno probably...

2000, maybe? Something like that. 2005-ish, maybe. Yeah. But like the whole social experience of going on a Friday night. What a fun time. Oh, man. So fun. So fun. We are older than shit, Dusty. Yeah, but that was great. It was. Go grab a pie and a fucking movie. Yeah. Stop grabbing some Mountain Dew on the way home. Maybe we're in a video game if the boys were coming over. All right. Well, how about some immersion therapy then? Yep. Immersion therapy.

Gonjiam. Gonjiam. What did you think of that, dude? I liked it. It was pretty slow in the beginning to get going, right? Once it did, but let me tell you. I was – I don't know about Korean actors and their expressions of fear. It's very – Fucking funny to me Okay So When it was supposed to be scary Yeah And all their You know like Oh no No No

I was like, I couldn't stop but laugh. I get that. That's fun. I like that one a lot just for the atmosphere. There's a lot that I feel is lost in translation. I agree, because I was watching with subtitles on, obviously, and the movie didn't come with subtitles, so I had to turn the subtitles on Prime, and I'm like, what the fuck? I guarantee that's not what he said. Right. Because, like you said, the lost in translation thing. Yeah, yeah.

So anyway, yeah, I guarantee there's a lot of lost in translation. Yeah, and there's just a lot of cultural differences that we probably don't understand. But the asylum itself was gnarly. Yeah, it was cool. The premise of the YouTube fuckers going in there and naturally getting jacked.

But that premise by itself is pretty tired. But I felt like this one was much better executed. Oh, yeah. I mean, the effects were good. Like I said, it just took a little bit to get going. And you think, you can't. I was rooting for these fucktards to get... Of course. You know, because...

YouTubers, I fucking... Yeah, of course. Influencers? Influencers? Give me a break. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, exactly. Go in there and get butchered. Yeah. That's what I want to see. That'll get me to subscribe. Sure. That's why when they were dying, you were getting up to millions. Yeah, all the numbers were shooting through the roof. Yeah.

Yeah, and then they're like, oh, they all faked it. It's bullshit. You know, let me see how that may end. Yeah, of course. Right on, man. What do you got for us this week, Dusty? All right, this week, let's check out Beezle. It's on Prime. Let me pull this up here. It is, where is it? Okay, here we go. Here's the synopsis here. Over six tumultuous decades.

Three unwitting guests of a cursed New England home stumble upon a sinister secret dwelling beneath its floors. An eternal witch with an insatiable thirst for the souls of the living. And this is on Prime. It's from 2024. Check that out, and we'll see what we all think about it. Sounds good to me, man. It basically came up on the, you watched this Ganju movie, and it's down below. It said, hey, these might be something you'd like, so. Okay. Let's give it a rip. We're going to put our faith in.

Amazon Prime and see how that works out for us this week. Alright, and mates, well I guess it's time for a round of Who's Your Daddy? Who is daddy? First, my clues from last week. I am a small town preacher with a promiscuous... Well, she's not promiscuous. She just had a... brief moment of lustful dalliance with her ex-boyfriend who happened to be in town. Unfortunately, they decided to go to an abandoned factory, which I guess was their teenage make-out spot.

They did have sex and then a vampire popped out and killed the guy and bit my wife. And now I got a... First off... We need to talk about the ex-boyfriend and what the fuck you were doing down there. Sure, sure. Second off, we've got to figure out how to... I'd kill him, but he's dead. Of course, obviously. And now we've got to cure you of your goddamn vampirism, sweet pea. I'm, of course, Jacob's wife. Have you seen that one? Yeah.

I felt like that was more of a comedy. I agree. Seeing Barbara Crampton naked at the ripe old age of 60-whatever. Yeah. Could do a lot worse. Yeah, I agree. I would say for that age. Who might I be this week, you ask? Speaking of naked ladies, I am an adult film star. Dusty. Are you now? Yes, and a popular one at that. Okay. I am what you call a quote unquote fucking sex symbol.

Now, I have made my way to Hollywood and I have big dreams of making it on the main stage screen and being a true actress. I did have to do some rather shady things to get here, but... Dude, we tried to film a porno at this old ranch thing and there was an alligator and there was some other really horny old lady creeping around.

I had to do what I had to do to get out of there, but now I'm in L.A. When you know it, the fucking Night Stalker is creeping around. I could be in big trouble here, Dusty. Damn it. Tune in next week to find out who I am, inmates. In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for us. Dusty, you got anything else for the week? Nope. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Absolutely. Join us next week for Blackout, starting Larry Fessenden month here in the padded room.

I think I can take a nice vacation from Vincent Price. I'm very excited. I would like to see... Did not watch something that's been made in... This couple 20 years. Yeah, I'm into that. I love him. Don't get me wrong, but it's been a bit much. Like, comment, subscribe wherever you found the show inmates. That helps our visibility quite a bit. We do have a Patreon campaign running. Head on over to paddedroompodcast.com and hit that link. Get any other information you need about us.

from there uh in the meantime for strange mountain folk world war ii pilots um shakespearean revenge killers and the various special effects that they have access to. Stage and screen, my man. Ridiculous. Of course. And the Padded Room Podcast. I'm afraid visiting hours are over.