The Padded Room Podcast Ep.677 (Crimson Peak)

You guys are turds. Padded Room Radio is back on the air, baby. My name is Darian, and I am still here for more horror bullshit to talk to you about on a weekly... Buddy has returned. Yes. What's going on, big buddy? Oh, man. It's been a busy couple of weeks. It has, dude. What's up with you? See, my son had surgery last Friday. How'd that come? Really well. So, well...

We'll find out here probably in a few more days how the surgery actually took. Okay. Basically the rods that were going up the spine were starting to, the skin was rejecting it and they were wanting to come out. Poked out of his back. Yeah. Yeah, so they went in there we cut it open cut a couple inches off of the rod off and Put them right back together and so quick one two hour surgery stayed the night early the next day. So what? I mean, I should probably ask a doctor.

But why was it coming out of his back to begin with? Body rejected it. The way it's twisting. There's just a lot of things at play. So is... But he's only had it in there, what, 10 years or so? Yeah, he's had a couple surgeries. He had ones where they were too small, then they added the newer ones, and then they extended it. And these are like the permanent ones, however...

So, do you think he's going to have to have more of it cut off later on? No, he shouldn't. Okay. They end up shaving some of the muscle off. Yeah. Yeah. That's nasty. Well, but so far it looks good. So far, so good. Okay, very cool. That's good news. Right on. Family in town from Washington State. Yeah, right on. Had a blast with them, and they got to see Aiden, too, before the surgery. Right on. Yeah, that's about it. Dusty's also in the house.

I am. He's here. He's somewhat awake. Somewhat. What's going on, big fella? Nothing. Just busy as well. Mother's Day weekend. How was everybody's Mother's Day? What'd you do? What'd you do for the Red Queen? Okay. Alright. You guys. I just surprised the out of her, right? I got her. The hottest ticket in town. Courtside seats to the Nevada Regional Championship 14U volleyball game. Oh, look at me. Nothing says I love you. Plan it for weeks.

I love you like courtside seats to the Regional Nevada Volleyball League 14U. I am the ultimate romantic. You are. Well, I'm going to have to one-up you. and say that, yeah, I did that, but not only did I, not to the 14U regional volleyball thing, But to not one, but two! Flag football games. Oh, wow. That's where my wife spent Mother's Day. What a lucky gal. I know, right? Holy cow. They don't have court side seats. You actually just...

Actually, you don't have seats. You just have to kind of stand around. Right in your own lawn chair. Yeah, if you remember to. Yeah. Oh, I just stand around. We suck, man. Oh, man. I mean, it's not... I took her out to a nice lunch between games, so we got that going for us. But...

You don't want to spend your Mother's Day at the Sports Dome. No, you don't. Or a gym of a high school. Not that either, I'm sure. But who the fuck is scheduling these games? This is my question. Yes. Who does that? Why would you do that? Who's scheduling a Mother's Day tournament? Yeah, I can see it on Twitter. We did go out and get some flowers that she picked out for the garden and stuff like that. Gave some sweat labor and helped her plant them and stuff so then Monday I was paying

Max was all tight. She had a good Mother's Day. She liked it. That's all that really matters, right? That's all that matters. As long as they're happy. Did you get her anything for Mother's Day? Yeah, well, she's not my mom. I paid for a present that her daughter got her. Okay, sure. That'll work. Right on. I mean, you gotta do something. I got her a card. Give me a break. That's all you get. That's all you need.

need, really. I bought when we bought our flowers, and I helped her plant. Sure, yeah, you know, that's what you're putting effort in. Exactly. That goes a lot farther than, you know, $29.95. Right. I told you I'm the ultimate romantic. You are, absolutely. Dr. Love over here. That's right. All right, you fuckers. We got a real horror show to get into here, fellas. Besides Dusty's home. We got listener mail, horror news, all the usual. Let's hit it with some horror news!

Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Horror news. Uh, Dusty? Oh, okay. I don't know. I see you guys pointing at each other. I thought you had it worked out. I don't know. I didn't want to always be. We're the lady who farted. That's how you were. You want me to let all the dogs in? I smell that you dealt the best of rules. But if he denied it, he supplied it. That's right. Alright, so Jai Courtney is a shark-obsessed serial killer in the Dangerous Animals trailer.

So, IFC Films and Shudder have finally unveiled the official Dangerous Animals trailer for its newest horror thriller, led by Suicide Squad star Jai Courtney. The movie is currently scheduled to debut in theaters on June 6th. The synopsis reads, When Zephyr, a rebellious surfer, is abducted by a shark-obsessed serial killer and held captive on his boat, she must figure out how to escape before he carries out a ritualistic feeding to the sharks below.

So, we're getting a shark, I guess, as the murder weapon? Sure. Yeah, okay. So, anyway. With laser beams. I'm interested. Sure. Somebody chum the water up and then toss her overboard. Why not? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. We'll see. Yeah. June 6th, if you guys are interested. I'm sure we've seen worse, gentlemen. Right? Oh, yeah. I guarantee we've seen worse. Yes.

Alright, Eli Roth reveals the title of his most terrifying and insane horror movie yet. Alright, so Eli Roth's next movie officially has a title and he promises it's going to be his most insane film yet. Speaking to Variety, Roth revealed that his next movie will be called Ice Cream Man.

According to Roth, the movie is his most terrifying and insane yet and will follow the story of an idyllic summer town descending into madness when an ice cream man serves kids sweet delights with horrifying results. Alrighty. No release date yet. Sounds pretty gimmicky. Razor blades. I'm sure. Something. I don't know.

Okay. Right on. Or is he going to kidnap me? Good for him. Alright, that's all I got, buddy. Buddy? Alright, Morris, the movie star, the legendary alligator from horror movie Alligator. has passed away. I saw that. That's a bummer. 80 plus years old. They don't know exactly how old it is. I was going to say, that movie came out like in 83 or something like that. So he hung in there. Yeah, isn't that crazy? Yeah. I don't know if you've lived that long.

I guess if you get an alligator, you get a pet for life. You do. Well, it's going to eat you. You get a pet for your life, which will be very short after you get the alligator. And then you give it to somebody you don't like. Yeah, exactly. Well, no, you'll be dead. Yeah, you're right about reptiles. My buddy, his family bought a house when we were in high school. The mom and dad bought another house. It came with a turtle.

Like a desert portage. Yeah. That just came out of the house because it was, I don't know, 50 or something. Yeah. And the owners didn't take it with them, so it just, There's your turtle. There's your turtle with your house. Probably still kicking. Probably still kicking. I'm guaranteed. See the movie Nobody? No. I have not. Well, Nobody 2 is getting ready to come out. Definitely check this out. Bob Odenkirk.

Is the start of this and he gets his hands dirty on vacation this time and this action sequel the explosive sequel to the 21 Bare Knuckle Action Thriller opens in theaters August 15th. Oh, okay. One where they attack him at his home and he's just like...

Yeah, he's just like a, he's literally a nobody. Yeah. And he's just like, they hit him on the bus and just beats the crap out of everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I know what you're talking about now. So yeah, part two is coming out. Alrighty. And it looks like it's happening at a water park. Perfect. Perfect. That's right. Wild Bills, Majestic, Midway, and Waterpark. Alrighty. Yep.

uh-huh uh pooh verse film peter pan's neverland nightmares flies onto video on demand today today oh really yeah but uh i would kind of hold off a little longer if you're on the fence on it because to rent it is $12.99. Oh, fuck you. And to buy it is almost $20. Fuck off. Yeah. That's all I got. What do you got? Dude, have you guys seen the trailers for The Conjuring Last Rites? Yes. Looks good. Looks pretty good, right? So for those of you that don't know, this one is going to be...

It's going to be the last in the Conjuring movies. It doesn't mean that there might not be another Annabelle or some shit like that, but the actual Conjuring, this is going to be the last one, it's going to be based on the Smurl case. Which one is this? You probably haven't heard of it, but there was a movie, a 1990 made-for-TV movie called The Haunted. and uh yeah scared the living piss out of nurse nicole and i of course we saw it when we were 12 or so so

Yeah, made for tea. Watching it now, it's very stupid because it's Sally Kirkland and a bunch of guys in Cosby sweaters. But when you saw it the first time and you were 12 years old, it made you drop a load of your pants. Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. That's where Bill Cosby came from. That's exactly right, dude. Drop something else in your pants. I did read they were saying that this was the most Google-able.

uh case that they've ever covered in one of the conjuring yeah so it's like a well-known oh yes absolutely so I think the scariest part about it is having the last name Smurl. Did you say Earl? No. Let me introduce myself. You're going to forget me completely in 30 seconds from now. My name is... Smurl. First name is Earl Smurl. Destined a kid to be a serial killer. Please let me buy a haunted house so there's something mildly... Interesting about me. There's any vowels in that last name. Smurl.

Looks like Gun Interactive is ending the future content updates for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre video game. I have it. I played it once. I didn't particularly care for it, so that's okay with me. I mean, it's basically Dead by Daylight, but it's very Texas Chainsaw Massacre centered. So really, every single person that wants to play the game wants to be Leatherface, right? So they can go kill everybody.

and then everybody else gets stuck wishing that they could get out of that game so they could try to be Leatherface in the next game. It's kind of a pain in the dick. Very repetitive. What else we got here? You guys watched the Fallout show? Yep. Any good? It was good. I liked it, yeah. Season 2 is about ready to hit.

and already confirmed for Season 3. yeah it's a good show you guys should watch it yeah do you have to be into the video games nope i never i i barely i started it and i wasn't into it the game yeah when it kind of came out yeah yeah and uh so i never finished the game uh But the show was really good. Alright. It's a post-apocalyptic thing, you know, and there's a group of survivors that are living in silos. I think they call them silos. Anyway, but they're very 50s just...

You know, hunky-dory. And then, obviously... they're eating each other well no like the leaders of the silos know that there's more silos and they're connected together oh no they all know because what they do is they'll

to not interbreed. They'll basically go from the next door silo and they'll you know one man from the next door silo and one woman from this silo will get together and you know marry each other so they can procreate not basically inbreed too much and basically there's Each silo is connected kind of sequentially, and what they don't know is that the silo that they're inviting over for the wedding, the big wedding, and they're actually raiders from two silos over that actually ended up.

killing the whole silo and then all shit breaks loose and the one girl the main character has to get out of the silo because her dad was kidnapped and she has to go out into the wastelands of the you know, nuclear wastelands of the L.A., I think it is. So, yeah, it's a good show. It sounds like a sex comedy.

It's got a lot of comedy elements to it, but it's also pretty... I mean, it's got a lot of good gore, too. Amazon Prime, right? Prime, yeah. Cool. Might have to check that out. Yeah, there's mutants. Like, guys are... I don't know if they call them mutants, but they're guys that are basically...

brought back from the dead with a shot but they have to keep getting the shot or else they'll die like zombies yeah but they're coherent like the one guy is yeah he's like the gunslinger he wears a cowboy hat but it's His face is all skeleton. I mean, he's got no nose. He looks like a skeleton, but he's alive, and he's basically kind of like a bounty hunter. But he's a zombie dude. Sounds cool. Yeah. Yeah, right on. That's a good show. Okay, very cool.

Well, season three coming at you. Here's something else I'm somewhat excited for. Fox has announced the return of Fear Factor. Nice. I love that show. Let's see somebody swallow some camel semen. They're going to do it a little bit different this time, though. They said they're going to have the contestants live together. for a certain amount of time uh i don't think joe rogan's doing it this time but

Uh, yeah, I think he's been canceled. Well, no, he's still making bazillions from the podcast. Oh, on his podcast, sure, but I mean, network television. Oh, yeah, like, yeah, he's too, too masculine or whatever the fuck. Oh, he's an anti-vaxxer and COVID vaccine was bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good times. Anyway, that's something to look forward to. Yeah. See somebody eat some testicles. Yeah. I'm into it.

stick your hand in a bowl full of tarantulas. But that's like the easy shit. I can do that. I'm not worried about that. The eating of the stuff. They always had an eating thing. And that's probably where... That's where I'd fail.

I'm a weird texture guy. You know what I mean? I just don't like, I gag when I watch, I can't even watch the eating parts of the show. If I don't know what it is, I'm okay, but of course they're going to tell me what it is. Oh, yeah. But when I put it in my mouth, it's like weird. All right, anyway. Yeah, if it's moving when it goes in my mouth, that's going to be a problem. Yeah. All right, that's enough on the horror news. How about some listener mail, you maniacs? Right on.

Listener mail. Yes sir, we got some voicemails coming at us here. Here he comes. A blast from the past all the way from Anderson, Indiana. Wow. Coop Newcomb in the house. Hey, what's going on, Coop? Amen. You made it. All right. Okay. It's 100 bucks. You know I'm right. You're wrong. Come fight me. You fucking clown. You know you're wrong. This is a long-standing argument that Cooper and I have had. You guys have seen Evil Dead 2? Yeah. Remember how they... Okay, so they get off the

The archaeologist's daughter and her Biff boyfriend get off the plane. They start walking through the woods. They run into Bobby Joe and her cousin or whatever with the bad teeth. And they're like, hey, we're trying to get to the fucking cabin. And they're like, yeah, we know the way to the cabin. And he's like, okay, can you show us the way? And he's like, yeah. Like, you pay me $100. Coop insists for some goddamn reason that he says $100.

What the fuck? Why would he say a hundred but? A hundred but? Need some change? A hundred but, you You fucking moron. Just put the subtitles on and put the argument to bed. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He'll fight me. Let's get down to Southern California. Tom Hardy coming at us. Hey, Tom Hardy. Heyo! Heyo! What's up, big dog?

I wanted to get in real quick there on the educating department. Come on now. Come on, man. Edward Scissorhands. There you go, buddy. Thanks for the easy one, man. I'm going to take it. I'll still take it. I'm going to just take it. I don't believe there was a meat hook this week. So I wanted to get in on that and talk a couple things about the what are you looking at apartment. Okay.

I got that catch in a violent nature. That's a good one. I really enjoyed that one. I remember everyone talking about it. all that you need because you know you're going to follow the killer the whole time. Yeah. I was very hesitant. Every time it's just like an unique twist or whatever, it doesn't always pay off. But this one I thought was really good and I thought it really...

You can see the background. You can see kind of like, you know, you're in Friday the 13th land. Yeah. You know, they're in these beautiful camps, but you never really get to see the nature of the wildlife. I thought it was a great flick. Okay. I was like, alright, let's keep it moving, man. I fucking watched the new Wolfman. Yeah? What did you think of that? I don't know, man. I wasn't into it. The weird one didn't work for me.

One thing that really fucking pissed me off, they do a lot of that, hey, it's all dark. Yeah. So who knows what's really going on. You don't really get to see the movie. You know, like when the action's happening, you don't get to see what's actually going on. Yeah. Turn your brightness up on your computer. I don't know, man. Put some fucking lights, save the full moon. Put some street lamps. I don't know. Put something.

I want to see the flick. If I'm going to watch the flick, I want to see the fucking flick. The other thing that really bothered me about that, the Wolfman, and I wanted to get your thoughts on this or any other inmate's thoughts, I think the movie itself, you know, let's call it like a, I don't know, 70%, 75%, whatever. But because they called it The Wolfman, You know, you already have those expectations. Sure. And I was thinking to myself, you know, if they would have just...

Called it, you know, werewolf on the farm or whatever. Or werewolf talking the family. Okay. It wouldn't have been... I wouldn't have had those expectations. Yeah, you know, when you call it the Wolfman, when you call it, you know, Hellraiser or whatever. Sure. So I don't know. No, I'm with you. Kind of immediately puts it off when the film's not that fucking great, but you called it like they did with the spirit.

It could have been its own film. It doesn't need to be a Vesperia remake or reimagining or whatever. It can just be its own fucking film and I think that flick would have probably been better just without having it attached to it. Anyway, I got to catch the Bendel Syndrome. Oh, that's an interesting one. 90s.

The GP'd, of course. Of course. You guys have both seen Wolfman, right? Yeah. I think I'm the only one that liked it. I mean, I'm not mad at it. It just... It was different than what I was expecting. It is very much a Wolfman movie. Not necessarily a werewolf movie. No, I agree 100%. Werewolf implies that you change, you change back. I guess he did maintain somewhat coherence, but...

It just didn't... So my thought on it was because it's done within the same... vein of the new invisible man right so the new invisible man movie They tried to kind of ground it more in reality, showing that it was a suit they had. And I think that that's what they're trying to go with here in terms of it's a virus, right? So they're trying to ground it more in reality instead of the supernatural stuff. Okay.

I mean, they still had the element of the Native American curse thing that was going on, right? But I think they're trying to make it more... realistic if you will sure sure um i just dug i thought it was kind of original concept you're right it wasn't a werewolf movie i mean I would probably venture to call it a body horror movie if you want to. Man-wolf. That just changes everything, buddy. It just blew my mind right there. Man-wolf.

It's all a wolf that turns into a man. That's a stinky dude right there. But he can lick his own ball, so that's kind of cool. Oh, no. That's his venomous. You should have had to do that. Yeah. I don't know. I just thought it was for the concept. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I really liked what they did with showing his perspective. That was pretty dumb.

understand her talking anymore. But all of his other senses got all heightened and stuff and he could see in the dark and he was like daytime. That was super cool. I just thought it was a cool idea. I guess... I kind of get what Tom Hardy's saying, too. If they had just called it, like, bitten or something like that or infected or something like that. But I think, like, part of the...

Like the appeal of the original Wolfman movie was that you had Lawrence Talbot who would, or even like an American werewolf in London. This guy basically blacks out on the full moon. He wakes up. He knows he's done these terrible things. and he's trying to find a way to keep himself from doing it or not have to change all the time.

um you kind of lost that element altogether and maybe that's just because they only they set the movie in the space of what about six hours yeah it's one night yeah which i thought So, like I said, it didn't have its, it had its flaws, sure, but by claiming it as the Wolfman, right, I mean, that might have been the best option, but I think that's what they were

Going forward, I mean, it was the same thing with The Imvisible Man. They're down for the classic Universal Monsters kind of thing, but with a new, modern take on it. That's just kind of my thought. I'm with you. I'm with you. Like I said, I wasn't mad at you. Just wasn't quite what I was expecting. I agree with that. He called back. J-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. As I was saying, I got to catch the Spendell Syndrome. Dario Jernko flick from the 90s. Not a child with his own kind of murder mystery. Yeah. Couple of things on this one here. I remember liking it more. Okay. And I remember liking it more than this time when I saw it. Okay. And I remember it being and having like an English dub. And this one here was in Italian. I think it's on... crimes, but with the subtitles and all that, I remember it being better.

It was okay. It was alright. Okay. It's interesting. And Dario Argento putting his daughter in the top of him. And in this one here... Her age is questionable. In this one. Fuck, you've got to film that, dude. Yeah. Maybe Italians are just fucking weirder than we think. Yeah. Moved on to this fucking stupid ass slasher called All My Friends Are Dead. Okay. It's like one of those typical slashers they're making a lot of where they have like

The actors are all, you know, fucking influencers on YouTube or Instapage or whatever. And it's just like... I barely remember it, to be honest with you. It's not worth the fucking time. That's all you had to say. On the opposite, I did catch heart eyes. Yeah, version therapy. That's what you guys are doing on the...

Therapy. Fuck, I can't remember what you call it, but you know what I'm talking about. Yes, sir. Gotcha. I thought it was pretty good, man. Yeah. It had a bit of the typical Netflix bullshit in it, but still, all in all, I thought it was a fun, fun slasher, fun flick. I agree. I enjoyed it. I don't think there was a knee hook for this week. So, hey, hope all is well. Love you, like family. Love you too, Tom Hardy. Thanks for calling in, big dog.

Uh, yeah. Have you guys ever seen Stendhal Syndrome? I haven't. You have? Yeah. It's bananas, dude. When she goes into her... When she looks at the paintings, it's like, uh... It's like she jumps into a music video or something. Oh, that's weird. I like his movies, but his penchant for showing... All kinds of carnal aspects of his own daughter. Yeah. It's a little uncomfortable. Especially in this one. I like to think she was over 18.

We did that. But I don't know what Italian film law looks like, so... I never saw it myself, the movie. I don't know where you would even locate that item there, buddy, and I don't know if I want to know. Full disclosure. Yeah. Uh, let's get down to Alabama. Here comes Alan. Hey, Alan. What's up? What's up?

Mr. Darien here, Edward Scissorhands. It's an easy one. I'll say I watched Hear from Blood. Absolutely loved it. And I watched Hard Eyes and really, really liked it. Right on. I loved how it was filmed. It looks like a Hallmark movie. That's exactly what I was thinking. I thought it was really good. A couple of shows in the back things were coming out like what to do in a tornado. Basically you get to the lowest floor of the building you're in and try and get in an interior room.

Anything on, they recommend it. If you've got it, wear a helmet or a hard hat. I've got my granddad's World War II helmet. Okay. You know, bike helmet, stuff like that. Living in Alabama, we deal with them all the time. If you're ever in one, lowest floor, interior room. Got it. And hope for the best. Get drunk. If you're in a car, you want to actually... Being in a car and being in a one is like really dangerous. You want to try and get into... some kind of building or something. Okay.

That's all I got. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Beautiful. Thanks for calling in. I wish I would have talked to you earlier before I went to Texas. Absolutely. Well, now we know. Now we know. Right on. It got pretty fucking windy up here the other night. Holy smokes. I'm still looking for my patio furniture. I think it's down on the canyon somewhere. I was driving in yesterday and they said that there was

100 mile an hour wind gust on Glenny Creek Bridge. Good lord. Right through that canyon there. Yeah. I felt it. I went through as soon as you get out of the shelter of the hill oh shit that just yanked the truck i was like wow i've never had that happen but it was windy as shit yesterday that is the truth yeah woke me up uh i think it started about 1 30 in the morning I can hear the whole house creaking and cracking.

Oh, shit, the fucking roof's going to blow off. Or I'm going to lose a solar panel or some shit. Anyway, I'm sure that's nothing compared to the real deal, though. Yeah. Scary enough, though. Well, you guys got anything for Alan, Tom Hardy, or Coop Newcomb? Thanks, everybody, for calling and writing me. A hundred buck. You fucking moron. A hundred buck. I will dig up a script, sir, and I will fucking FedEx it to you. I

Uh, alrighty. Let's get ourselves into a movie here, fellas. Yep. Yeah. Hope you feel like being romanced. Ghosts are real. That much I know. I've seen the moment You have to trust me. Thomas, your bride is There are parts of the house that are unsafe. How old is this? becomes in time. Now I go below this level. It starts holding on to things. Has anyone died in this house? Specific deaths? Violent deaths? Do we have to do this? Must we? Yes. You have no idea what they'd do. What do you want?

Gracias. You have nowhere else to go. This is your home now. That's right, gentlemen. It's Crimson Peak from 2015. This one got 6.5 stars on IMDb, written and directed by Guillermo del Toro, starring Nia Wazikowska, Jessica Chastain, and Tom Hiddleston. This one's got an R rating. Not sure why exactly. Me neither. Scary ghost. There's a little bit of brutality with the father. Oh, it's probably for the end.

The big reveal. That's a little nasty, I'd say. We are going to start off. We're in Elizabethan times, fellas. So get ready for a lot of prim and properness. surprisingly not during the spanish civil war though so that's a nice change we weren't expecting uh we start off with another one of these um

monologues about ghosts, which is exactly how we started the last movie. He's a ghost monologue. He is. A ghost isn't just a thing that is a thing. It's a moment in time, and I believe in ghosts because I saw one. whoo you're setting me up for a fucking boring movie is what you're doing um and we get a little snippet of a girl hiding under the covers in her bed as some kind of a shadowy thing comes down the hall

And then we jump to Buffalo, New York. Home of the Buffalo Bills, fellas. Yeah. 14 years later, it is now presumably sometime... early to mid-1800s, I guess. I was thinking mid to late, maybe, yeah. Sure. Still very Elizabethan. Everybody's still prim and proper. They look like they just got off the Titanic. We're going to meet the little girl we were just talking to. Her name is Edith. Played by Mia Wazikowska. She's fairly attractive.

She is the daughter of a mining magnate, I believe. No, he's a builder. Builder, that's what it is. He's a construction guy. And they are a very well-to-do family in Buffalo. I guess her mom died and now she is a... That's where the ghost was. Yeah. She'd have cholera or something. Yeah, something like that. And now she is a budding writer and she's submitting short stories to local papers and she's getting rejected by everybody and she's convinced

that the reason she's getting rejected is because she's a woman. And she's doing... She's got the thing going where she's writing ghost stories, but It's not about the ghost. The ghost is a metaphor. Shoot me in the motherfucking face. I don't want to... Just give me a scary ghost story, kid. That's what I need. I don't want to hear about grief or loneliness or whatever the hell your problem is.

But she's getting rejected a lot, so that kind of sucks, and she's kind of thinking about not being a writer or sticking to writing love stories, because that's what's expected of women, I guess, in this time frame. Along comes Tom Hiddleston playing Sir Thomas. What was that again? What that ass? I can't remember either. It's gonna be... Not on here, because this fucking computer's... This is the best.

the best we can come up with. Technical difficulties. Sir Thomas something. I believe that if we had to pick another James Bond right now, it should be Tom Hiddleston. He'd be good. He's an attractive young man. I'm sure he could put on a few pounds of muscle. And chicks seem to dig him. I think it's mainly because of the accent. Sure. Sir Thomas Sharp is what it is. Well done, buddy.

I'm still loading, so... I think it's time for a new computer there. I think it's time for a whole new fucking thing. Studio. Yes. Along comes Sir Thomas Sharp, and he's got a... financial proposal that he wants to float past her father and try to get some funding for. Now, in the 18 seconds that it takes him to step in front of her desk and ask to speak to her father,

He manages to read a good chunk of her manuscript, which is sitting on the desk. And he's like, oh dear, who wrote this? It's rather quite good, you see. You can just hear her panties sliding off the whole I don't think there are pennies. There's knicker bars. Oh, that's right. It's like a strap thing that goes around. The chastity belt is slowly popping off. That's right. The blooms. The blooms. Gracias.

Anyway, she is now completely infatuated with him. They have a quick little conversation as she walks him up to the boardroom, I guess. And then she kind of eavesdrops as he's making his big proposal. So basically what he wants funding for is this mining... apparatus it's a big fucking machine and he's got like a miniature replica and he turns it on it's very cute

I guess it digs and then it displaces the dirt as it's digging. It kind of looked like a giant chainsaw to me. That's kind of the premise of it. So, yeah, he turns it on. Just a constant chain full of buckets. So, I mean, it sounded like it would work. Yeah, he explains to him that it's going to be mining the red clay from his Home. Ancestral. Ancestral home. And it makes the best bricks and everything. So they'll be getting their investments back. Absolutely. Very exciting stuff here.

They all make fun of him and tell him to fuck off because his hands were soft. Nice toy you have there. Soft hand lily boy. He's got a very much more eloquent but somewhat cocksuckery way of putting it he's like your hands are soft we uh here in the united states we value effort and not uh fancy talk like you Englishman

So get the fuck out of here. Get on out of here, red coat. Go get! So that sucks for him. He's like all hurt and disheveled. Apparently that night, though, there is some kind of a ball happening and everybody's Got to get real dressed up and put on tuxedos for this thing. Very exciting.

Edith was not asked to go. Although we do meet her ex-boyfriend, I think? No, they asked her to go. She just said she didn't want to. Who asked her? Her dad said, aren't you going to come with us? You'll be the belle of the ball. Oh, that's right. And she's like, no, I'm going to sit here and write.

But we meet the guy from Sons of Anarchy. Charlie Hunnam. Yeah. He's a handsome devil himself. Bad haircut in this one. Oh yeah. Well that's the I don't care that looked ridiculous I'm sure that looked good at some point but not right now um yeah jack's jack's teller shows up and he's like he didn't actually do that but uh he's like so he was like her ex right uh i think what it is is his

dad was wanting him to court her. I mean, it's a different kind of a time, right? Yeah, totally. Where you have to kind of approach the father and yada yada and he was, off to school obviously to become a doctor and then he says oh he's back did you know he's back in town he's opening his practice yeah he's always quite fond of you yes you know so basically it's

Someone that her father hoped that she would be getting together with. Boy, am I glad we don't do that anymore. Yeah. If I had to go talk to somebody's dad. No, I'm not doing that. I'll just be single. I wonder if gay guys had to do that. Probably not, right? No, because then you'd have to admit that you were gay, and then you're probably going to get lynched. I think the dandies had to move to... You know? The island. Dandy island is what it is.

Come on, Ethan. We're leaving. Anyway, he's very much interested in Edith. Edith wants to stay home and write, so off goes the doctor. Dr. Alan McMichael and the dad to the big ball. And then Sir Thomas Sharp shows up and he's like, oh yeah. you see i haven't a date for this little shindig and i need you to accompany me so she's like throws on her dress uh does up his tux off they go to the ball as soon as they walk in everybody's

somehow taken aback that these two are there together. And we get to meet Sir Thomas' sister, Lucille, played by Jessica Chastain. Now, I am an only child. Bye. If I had a sister that looked like Jessica Chastain, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying. I'm not saying what I'm saying. It's real easy to be like anti-incest if you have an ugly sister. I mean, I'm just saying, but I'm not saying. If the kid from Night of the Demons can pop out of the closet...

Yeah, you know. Podacious boobs, sis. That's right. She is there, and she is actually kind of hanging around Dr. Allen, but they're not, I don't know, they're kind of like friendly, but not really together together. He introduces Edith to the sister. Lucille comes off a little... not maybe a little bitchy i guess right a little standoffish yeah standoffish just not friendly at all towards edith we'll find out why by the end of the movie We get a very cool little waltz.

Sir Thomas informs everybody that they're going to do an English waltz. He's going to demonstrate. If done correctly, you can hold a candle in your hand and the candle won't blow out while you're dancing. I thought this was particularly stupid and is a tell of what kind of movie we're watching when we get the close-up of him holding his hand out.

and she puts her hand in his, and the whole crowd goes, This is not a fucking horror movie, fellas. This is not. This is not. No. No, it is not. I don't care if there's a ghost in it. But anyway there we are and then we get the the big waltz scene and the candle doesn't blow out and now her panties are just dripping.

sopping wet uh unfortunately before that happened though uh the father decided he didn't like uh sir thomas so he's got like a goon that he keeps on standby a guy by the name of holly And he hired Holly to dig up some dirt on... All the rich guys back then had their fix-it men, right? I feel like that's the job I'd have, you know? You'd be the fix-it guy. I'd be the cleaner or something like that. Right.

He'll probably have to leave town immediately after. But he sends him out to go dig up some dirt on Sir Tom because I think Dad figured out that Edith was already swooning over Sir Tom. So, okay, great.

now we're gonna cut to I guess maybe a week or two later there's like a big garden thing like everybody goes to this big park garden hangout place there's like um deck chairs here and there and you go look at the flowers or some shit they didn't have a lot to do back then apparently so that's just what you do Sir Thomas takes Edith there and they're walking around and holding hands and at one point Lucille shows up

and they thomas and luce she's like thomas where i gotta talk to you and they go off in the bushes and we see lucille take her one of her rings off and give it to uh thomas and she's like okay well This is going to be the last time, right? He's like, yeah, yeah, don't worry. You'll get the ring back. You'll get the ring back. from there thomas like reads some more of lucille's uh manuscripts and he's all excited and everything and then he tells everybody that they're going to have like a big

dinner at Lucille's dad's house. She's We're kind of figuring out what's going on here, right? Thomas is going to propose. If we haven't seen this movie before, we can kind of do the math that he's probably just using Edith. to squeeze some money out of Dad, hopefully. Okay, very exciting. Along comes the big dinner. Dad grabs Thomas and pulls him into a side room. And he's like, oh, Mr. Hawley got back to me and he's got all these weird documents.

And we don't really see what's happening with the documents, but he's like, listen, you're going to get the fuck out of here, or I'm going to call the cops. And then he pulls the sister in also, and he writes her a big fat check, and he's like,

that's all you're getting and i'm paying you because you're creative but uh you need to get him out of here and i also i need you to break edith's heart i need you to really smash it to shit make sure she doesn't try to find you later on down the road and he's like Okay, all right. Well, let's do this. So he goes out and first thing he says in the middle of the dinner is that they have to go back to England.

because there's some estate stuff that he's got to settle. All right, cool, fair enough. That could be the end of it right there. You can see Edith is all distraught. She gets up and walks out. But then Sir Thomas has like a weird crisis of conscience so he goes walking after her presumably to be like Oh, your dad paid me to do that.

But everybody in the dinner party, being the nosy shits that they are, follows them all into the entryway. That's the show, part of dinner and a show. And here comes the big show. He's like, your writing sucks. and your characters are dumb, and I think you're stupid. Obviously, he didn't say that, but that's more or less the crux of what's going on here. She gets all hurt and runs upstairs, and yeah. Okay, very exciting.

uh from there they have to be i think he said they were going to leave within the week so they've kind of got a few more days there in buffalo cut to the next morning at the country club uh Dad is there doing a shower and a shave situation and somebody comes in and basically kills him like smashes his head into the sink until it Opens him up and he bleeds out all over the floor

Now, you do get a quick glimpse of our killer, and you can see them from the back. Did anybody else figure it out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's not that hard to see who that was. Right. I think the implication was that it could have been either one of them. It was pretty obvious which one it was. My big part that pissed me off about this whole scene was when he turns to look at them approaching him. They didn't even...

sneak up on them and just slam his head down. He sees them. He's holding a fucking straight razor in his hand when they're there and he has this terrified look on his face. Why? Yeah. Just cut him. When we know who it is, which is pretty obvious, why are you... Just throw a fucking quick jab and be done with it or whatever. Whatever, dude. I don't fucking care. So dad is dead. That sucks. And now the train has supposedly come and gone.

But after the train taking the fucking sharps back to England has come and gone, so they're supposedly gone, but then Edith gets her manuscript back delivered to her house that morning. along with a letter from Sir Thomas, and the letter says, hey, you know, I didn't really think you're stupid or your writing was bad. I just, your dad told me to tell you that, so...

Anyway, gotta go. Bye! So she goes hauling ass through the town, trying to track him down before his train leaves. Of course, the train already left, and we get a very touching and romantic scene. another one yeah this fucking movie uh where she gets to his hotel room and it's empty and the maids are cleaning it and she's like oh my love

I shall never love again. I shall be a lonely old widow. And then she turns around and he's standing there and he's like, my dear, I could not leave you and I never will. And then they make out. And then from there we cut directly to them taking a carriage to the familial home estate in England, Crimson Peak.

So we have to assume that they don't call it that. Well, she doesn't call it that. Cumberland, that's right. We kind of glossed over the whole thing, but the ghost In the very beginning, told her as a little girl beware of crimson peak oh that's right remember so it's like the big warning yeah you know in the beginning yeah and we don't know what's called that yet but anyway they're at the estate they're there and there was another ghosty encounter before

They left for England where the door handle was rattling and the door came on. She saw the same ghost again. The ghost of her mother. Skeleton mom. Dude, if you're a ghost, and you're the mom of the person you're standing in front of. You look like your mom. Don't, yeah, don't show up like fucking Skeletor. She's going to piss her pants you do that. What's the matter with you? Otherwise, leave a note. Leave a note. Just to, hey, stay out of that crimson place.

Hey, you don't have to wake up or anything. Just don't go to there. Just use your voice over a radio. Yeah. It's like, you know, kids come out of their bedroom Christmas morning and I'm standing there with them. Black robe and a scythe. Merry Christmas. I'm going to kill you, everybody. Don't do that. That's insane. Exactly. Why would you do that? Don't do that. It makes an impression, though. She doesn't have a prison peak. Oh, yeah. You'll never forget it.

Forget it. You're right. That's true. There may be... I think Guillermo just outsmarted him. Fuck. That's what it was. Fucking fuck. Anyway, yeah, so she's had all these spectral warnings about Crimson Pig, but here she rolls up on Cumberland. Now, the story of Cumberland is that, of course, the Sharps come from European aristocracy. They've got this big spiraling mansion and it's fallen into disrepair.

And they're trying to get this machine built so that they'll have a prototype so they can get funding and then all their money problems are going to be gone. But the real problem is that the fucking house is sitting on top of a big clay pit. mining operation, if I understand this correctly. And, of course, this clay is just the color of blood. And, like, if you step on it, it'll, like, turn your shoes red. So the house is slowly sinking. Slowly sinking is what it is.

But the real part that boggles the mind is the giant fucking hole in the roof. Yeah? You cannot live... I know. ...in a fucking... I mean, it's great. And for the Guillermo del Toro aesthetic where they walk in and the leaves are falling through. It's so beautiful.

but you know the crazy thing about this is like a real thing so there's so many dukes and fucking earls and barons and shit in england right yeah that have this palatial uh old money yeah that has since run out yeah so the giant fucking houses and they can't afford to fix them. Yeah. So this is like a real thing. Oh, yeah. And have you ever watched the movie The Gentleman? Yeah. Matthew McConaughey. Exactly. So they're basically, yeah, exactly. So that's a thing because there's so many...

freaking, like you said, aristocracies. Oh yeah. The money's so old that the money ran out. Well, I mean, we're still in the 1800s. I think they could at least get their goddamn roof repaired. And if not... Well, they basically said his dad pissed it all away, too. That's true. So that sucks, but...

Bro, you can't live there. Seth, there's a fucking hole in the roof. Where are you going to go? And every time it rains or snows, which it's about to do very shortly here, that hole is just going to get bigger and bigger until the whole shit collapses. Whatever man. I didn't write this.

Alright, so yeah, for the aesthetic it's very nice because there's like a big sun shaft that comes through the hole in the roof and like leaves drop down there and it's all, you know, magical forest-y kind of a way. um they get in there uh lucille's with them she's like nah this is the house you're not going to be here long don't worry uh tom you know if I think we are supposed to assume at this point that Sir Thomas and Edith have not had sex.

right is that a given yeah because i think so there's a couple of lines towards the end of the movie when they go on their little vacation then it goes we'll get into that in a second but Lucille's getting more and more snappy with everybody. They're courting. You're already married. Yeah. Has not been consummated yet. Yeah. You don't buy a car without taking it for a dress

Test drive back in the day. I'm telling you. Well, that's great. That's why you don't order cars or wives online. Well, maybe you do. I don't know. Whatever you're into. They get there. um the house is a wreck uh immediately um edith is like falling ill so lucille is doing a good job of keeping her in bed and serving her this tea um Every now and then Edith like gets out of bed and manages to stagger around the house But then she has more of these ghostly visions

She's staggering around, and they keep telling her that she's sleepwalking and stuff, but there's a bathtub ghost. There's a ghost that comes out of the closet. There's a ghost that comes out of the floor. She makes it down to a basement area where there's a bunch of shafts, I guess. That's where the clay was all... I don't know what the whole...

the vats were falling. That's what I'm saying. But I mean, because the clay was liquid. Right. And you could, the walls were basically bleeding clay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the, I think the mining operation was putting them back down into those, process the ore? I don't know. It was a very cool looking scene. It looked great, but it didn't make a lot of sense. None of this makes any sense. That's what I'm just Speculating. Okay, no, I'm with you. That's better than anything I could come up with.

In the meantime, Sir Thomas is ordering parts from Italy and other places, and he's trying to get his machinery running correctly, but every time he does, somebody goes out there and yells at him, or... It just backfires and smoke starts coming out or he burns himself.

In the meantime, we're going to cut back to Buffalo. Dr. Alan McMichael is wondering why he hasn't heard from Edith in a while, and he's getting a little nervous. So he talks to the coroner about the state of the dad's body when he was buried. And he's like, well, you know, I don't know. I guess it could have been a murder. But it seemed to me that he slipped and hit his head. But that's a kind of a, I guess, go either way. So...

Alan is like, well, I'm just going to start doing some snooping, and he comes across the checkbook and he does like an imprint, and he sees that the last check that was written was to Sir Thomas Sharp. For a whopping $3,000. Which is fucking good money in 18-whatever. Yeah, that's like a whole new life. so now he's getting really suspicious and he's trying to track down

And he finds all the documents that the Hawley guy delivered that pissed off him. Yeah, he talked to the Hawley guy. Yeah, he ends up tracking him down. So he knows that there are some things afoot. And about this time, the ghostly visions have kind of gotten Edith out of bed and got her interested in investigating things, but she keeps getting the goddamn tea, which just knocks her right back in the dirt.

At one point, she asked to have a set of keys made to the house, because, I mean, I guess it's technically her house now, right? And Lucille's like, oh, don't worry about it. I'll get you some at another time. Just don't even worry about it. Okay, so she's staggering around one day and she finds a big trunk with the word the name enola enola that was in the mine basement yeah and she's like oh what the who's that what who's enola

Tries to get it open, you need a certain key for it that she doesn't have. And all these ghosts we haven't talked about are all red. They're the same color as the clay. Yeah, that comes into play later. They kind of show up... I guess they're all skeletons, right? A bunch of skeleton ghosts. And they're in various states of like... Some have kind of skin-ish on them. muscles and stuff. Or it might just be the clay dripping

Yeah, one of them talks to her that she had kind of an eye, like the one that was carrying the baby. And the other one had the cleaver in her head, the bathtub ghost. Yeah, all kinds of problems with these skeleton ghosts. One of them, I think, just died of diabetes. Diabetes? Yeah, she came out with a full pizza.

and she ate the goddamn thing i saw her i don't know what her problem was but she ate herself to death uh anyway it's getting pretty creepy and now we're getting like little clues that uh edith needs to look for because these ghosts seem to be pointing her in a you know, like a warning direction and we're going to try to get you out of here kind of a thing. So she finds the trunk belonging to Enola, but she doesn't have the key for it.

So one day, Lucille leaves the keys sitting down for a second while she's making dinner. So Edith snatches the Enola key, which also has Enola stamped on it. And then she puts the key ring back, and then the next day she goes down there and pops it open, where Enola had apparently been gathering evidence about Sir Thomas' goings-ons.

Basically this is what he's been doing. He's been marrying chicks hopefully rich chicks or at least chicks with some money and then Lucille kills them and then they dump the bodies in the vats with the red shit so Pretty scary stuff there. And now we've got this kind of cat and mouse thing going on where...

Lucille thinks that Edith might be kind of faking it, but she might know more than she's letting on. She realizes that the key is missing, so she leaves the keys laying next to her again, and then the key is back. Eventually we have to go to the post office which is I guess fucking 30 miles down the road. We've got to take a carriage there. And also has a weird guest room in the inn. Something kind of a deal. So...

Sir Thomas and Edith go to the post office and get caught caught there in a storm where they actually get to have sex I think all this happened actually before she opened the trunk you could be right yeah because I don't think she would have Did the deed with him if she had already opened the trunk. You're probably right. Listened to all those gramophones. I lost interest in this movie very early, so I'm barely piecing together what I remember because I just didn't fucking care.

um yeah so eventually they do get it on and when they go back the next day uh lucille's all pissed off and now she's really being snappy with everybody yeah and she likes goes back and she's got breakfast ready for everybody and uh edith is like oh we uh we had to spend the night there at the post office she's like what Smack these eggs out of here. Fuck you. Spending the night with my brother, you fucker. He is my husband. Well, yeah, but...

Still, fucking eat your own eggs. I don't know. Yeah, get really pissed off. And eventually this whole shit is going to culminate. and the real well we figure it out exactly what happened because we walked down the stairs at the wrong time and find lucille uh yeah Beating off Sir Thomas. A little handy. Yeah, that's what's going on. And while that's happening, we cut back to the United States where...

Dr. Allen realizes that Sir Thomas is actually still married, so their marriage is not legal. And luckily, Edith didn't sign the final document, which transfers her fortune to him just yet. But she was about to when she saw the beat-off party happening in the basement. And then that's when Dr. Allen hops on a boat or whatever and hauls ass over to England to try to save her, I guess.

So, big freak out there. Yeah, it turns out not only... Well, at this point in the movie, we're thinking, okay, that's not his sister. That's his wife. And that's why she's all pissed off about everything. And then we catch the beat-off party.

And she's like, oh my god, you guys are actually married and we're getting divorced. Our marriage isn't even legal, you nasty. And by the way, you're some kind of a... male black widow killer who just kills wealthy women for their money i'm getting the fuck out of here and then we get a little chase going on

And then during this chase, Lucille makes the admission, no, no, no, no, we are brother and sister. Yeah. I just beat him off every now and then. Oh, he did more than that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it went down. So they had a baby. Yeah, that too. And it was a little off, she said. There's a lot going on. As it should be. Brother lover, sister lover. See, so... Daddy uncle. Why would you admit all of that?

Because she knew she was going to kill her. I know, but still, I hate that moment. Just to rub it in your face even more. No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die moment is what it is. Get the fuck out of here. That's cute. You think I'm his wife. Also his sister. Gotcha. Auntie mommy. That's disgusting. But again. If your sister looks like Jessica Chastain, or your brother looks like Tom Hiddleston,

No. No? I'm an only child. I don't understand how any of this works. All right. You know what the kids are going to look like. Apparently not that good. uh anyway big uh you know big cat and mouse thing eventually they knock her out if i'm not mistaken and while she's knocked out um This is when Sir Thomas has his crisis of conscience, and he's like, Well...

I think I'd actually like to stay with her and you can go fuck off talking to his sister wife. He threw the documents in the fire. Exactly. And she's like, but I'll ruin you, you fucker. She actually kills him. right no no like that the doctor showed up first that's right yeah because as she was like losing consciousness yeah and they're like oh yeah a doctor's here very good sir you come right in he's like what the hell are you doing what's going on here

They get her upstairs and get her into bed. When she comes to, the doctor's there, but I guess she had trouble speaking there for a second. Yeah, they gave her another dose of the tea or something. Yeah, and the oatmeal. Oh, yeah, because she did figure it out. You thought it was the tea. It's the oatmeal. All right, buddy. Have another sip of your coffee, why don't you? So that's cool. We're thinking he's there to save her. Well, he is there to save her.

And he does kind of get her, you know, in bed and comfortable. He gets her halfway to the door from playing on that Shays lounge. He wanted to take her to a hospital. That's what he said he was doing. Right, but he really wanted to get her the fuck out of there. Yeah, Lucille called bullshit on that. Yeah.

uh at this point he they Lucille stabs the doctor but like like in a weird like under the armpit where i guess non-lethal because he's still alive well i think that's uh i don't know that's kind of right where the femoral artery kind of goes and i think that that's

where you'd stab somebody, and they'd probably bleed out pretty damn quick. Or you would think, or at least collapse a lung or something. But he's still alive, and then she's like, okay, Thomas, it's about time you got your hands dirty, so get over here and kill this guy. And then like Thomas is like, all right, I'm going to kill you. And then he leans into the doctor and he's like, you're a doctor. Where can I stab you? Or it's not going to kill you.

And the doctor shows him where to stab him. So he stabs him there. Right in the liver. Doctor goes down. There you go. Very good doctor. I'm usually looking at the patient the other way. You've got to stab me right here in the pinky. That's right. So he stabs him there, the doctor goes down, and then we get this whole... crisis conscious from sir thomas he wants to basically leave his sister to be with edith

And then he's like, look, I will give you the money that I make and you go start a new life fucking far off away from me. And then she kills him. How did she kill him? She slit his throat. She stabbed him a bunch of times. She had the knife. Sir Thomas? Yeah, she stabbed him and then stabbed him right in the fucking face. That's right. Face stab. Kills the living shit out of him. And got balls all over him. Yeah, of course, falls apart after that. Buyer's remorse. That's what it is.

About that time is when Edith wakes up and she's like, oh, God, I've got to get the fuck out of here. Now there's a full-on blizzard happening outside. She's like, I guess I'm just going to take my chances out there. I can't hang here with this crazy bitch. She goes running out. Um... Lucille is chasing her. They get right out to where the big farm fucking machine mining thing is. Little bit of a tussle there. Luckily, I think...

She hit her with a shovel? Is that right? Yeah, so, but she made her turn around. Yeah. And she's like, why don't you help me or can't you help me? Yeah. And she's talking over his shoulder.

Lucille's like, I'm not falling for that old train of fucker. And she turns around and there's the ghost of Sir Thomas. And then she's like, oh my god. And then that's when she... basically caves her head in with a shovel yeah she walks and that's pretty much the end of your movie there dudes yeah she went down remember because the doctor was she survived yeah she got him out of the basement and then

The townsfolk or somebody. Remember when he was in the livery or where the horses are? He says, well, I'm not renting out horses right now. That's a fucking blizzard, dumbass. And he says, well, we'll come try to find you tomorrow once the storm dies out.

So then she's limping back to the gate of the estate, and then there comes a townsfolk coming out. Ted coming to rescue her. Yeah. And that was the end. That's the end of your movie there, dudes. What did you think of Crimson Peak? Meh. I agree. Uh... If I was hot for Tom Hiddleston, maybe. If I was, like I said, if I was like a lonely soccer mom that had some fantasy of this English gentleman sweeping me off my feet, but him having like a...

dark, mysterious side. Kind of a... It was Dracula. Yeah, give him bat wings or some shit. You know what I mean? And a huge cock. I feel like that's what you need. A huge cock. I'll be honest, I kind of feel like I could take Tom Hiddleston in a fight. Not Loki, but Tom Hiddleston. Loki apparently liked having sex with her over his sister. I'll probably, yeah. I'm going to leave you now. I tried a new one and it fit better. Me and you, we're done. She was my sister, man. Ugh.

That's nasty. I didn't care for this one, dude. It's not really a horror movie. And I'm starting to realize that I don't particularly care for Guillermo del Toro either. I don't know. It wasn't great. I feel like he makes great movies. The cinematography and stuff is awesome. Overboard on the house stuff. Yeah, but like the basement and all the walls were like bleeding that clay. That was cool. I thought it was a really cool visual. Yeah. But the whole fucking movie was just meh.

It's not a horror movie. It's like a gothic romance kind of a deal. The more I think about it, the more I think He doesn't really make horror movies. He makes fucking... kids movies dark fantasies and they have that's a perfect I think knowledge is a dark fantasy dark fantasy with horror elements in them but like in this one the ghosts were trying to help the check You know what I mean? Same thing with Devil's Backbone.

I don't know, man. Well, we do have a legit horror movie next week for sure, but we'll get into that as we go on. That's it for that, dudes. Let's take us a little break. We'll do some other stuff, yeah? Yeah. Hey, inmates. If you like what you hear, head over to the Padded Room Facebook group and support us through the patron link with a small monthly donation. Check out the T-Villain link at paddedroom.podbean.com and grab some t-shirts. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the show. you

And we are back, gentlemen. Yeah. I'm going to have another road read for you next week, but I'm still working on it because it is a long fucking book. So in the meantime, I thought we would bring you three on a meat hook. Yeah. on a meat hook this week's meat hook top three horror couples now in looking back at my list here i don't think any of these are actually couples but

As we just learned in Crimson Peak, couples is a very subjective phrase. So, without further ado, buddy, how about number three? Number three? Dr. Peter Vickman and Dana Barrett. Okay, yeah. They're kind of an on-again, off-again thing, but that's cool. Um, He's a peahound. He was a peahound, sir. I probably would. Remember the old shock test one? Oh, yeah. Shock test was hilarious. I like that. I don't understand. Was I the only one that...

thought Annie Potts was hot in those movies? Oh, no. Yeah? She was good. Yeah. I like the voice. Ghostbusters, what do you want? Those big glasses that you wore, it'll look very studious. Right on, man. How about number three there, Dusty? All right, for number three, I kind of took a little bit of liberties here, but it could be said, but I said I kind of went with the more dark side, Art the Clown and Vicky. Okay. Oh, sure. So, yeah, kind of developed some kind of a...

you know, infatuation, or maybe she was infected with his demon. I don't know exactly what went on there, but she was the final girl, and then she was one of his minions, so. Yeah. Lauren Lavera, man. I think she may be my new horror crush. Yeah. When was the last time we saw Asia Argento in anything? She was my go-to for a long time.

But now she's a rapist, so... it's kind of creepy now right is she now yeah oh yeah no there's a whole thing there's a like a she was sending in a there was a some there was like a 16 year old co-star that she was sending some really inappropriate stuff to. I love cashing her up, dude. Well, yeah, I know.

Right. He's Italian. He gets a free pass, right? Like a movie. Hey! And it was a 16-year-old Italian boy, and she was... No, he's American. But it doesn't matter. No, it's... You know what, man? The other reason that happened was the parents found out. More or less. That boy is super stoked. That's what I was saying. The parents found out and then he's like, shit! Did you beat off to her? Yeah, okay. Then it's not a crime. So, no. Right.

Right on. That's a good show. I think she might be a Lauren LeVar. I think she might be my new horror crush. right on yeah uh my number three also a little dark and maybe a little incestual i went with uh Otis Driftwood and Baby Fireclaw. I was thinking about that. That was on my honorable mention. Now, they claim to be brother and sister. But I'm pretty sure... that at some point they, at the very least, did mouth stop. I would imagine. Which is very gross considering the state of Otis' team.

and probably body odor yes lack of personal hygiene and things like that and in that family Who knows what the fuck is going on, you know? Mama Firefly probably taught him everything he needed to know about everything. Not a pleasing man. Yeah, exactly. With full-on demonstrations. Alrighty. Nasty. How about number two, buddy? Evelyn and Lee Abbott. Quiet Place. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's tricky.

That is a bummer of a couple. I mean, that's a bummer of a franchise. Oh, yeah. But especially when, like, You've got to feel for them, and then the fucking kid with the... The first five minutes of the movie, the kid's fucking dead. What was it, a rocket ship or a train or something? Yeah. Whatever the toy was. Some rocket ship, yeah. Imagine that. She doesn't even know because she's deaf. Yeah. She doesn't know it's making noise.

That sucks, dude. That fucking sucks. That was a gut punch. That was. Yeah. And he was the youngest kid, too. Yeah, yeah until obviously the baby came right That's a whole other set of shit. Why wouldn't you keep making, or stop making kids? Stop making babies! Yeah. How are you even having sex in stealth mode? I don't think I can... I'm more of a... Very slowly. I'm going to slip this into a drink. Yeah, exactly. Very slowly. Easy, easy, easy. Right on man. How about number two there Dustin?

I went with Frank and Julia from Hellraiser. Oh, yeah. Wow. That's a good one. Yeah. I didn't think of that one. That's a... Wow. I have to keep feeding him fucking bodies. I don't know what the fuck he had going on downstairs, but she was... fucking hooked. Oh yeah.

I can't get my wife to make me dinner most of the time. You think she's going to go kill some dudes? And bring them to me? And feed them to me? No. Hell no. All right. Well, whatever he's got, it's working for him. And the weirdest part was that, like, He shows up, he basically rapes her, right? Oh, yeah. He shows up, he pulls a knife on her and cuts her bra off. Mm-hmm. She's got some daddy issues. She's got all kinds of issues, man. It's not even that attractive.

He didn't care. My number two, this is, I don't know if this is, I consider this to be a horror movie. A lot of people consider it to be other things. It was Mickey and Mallory. Ah, Natural Born Killers. That's my number one. Yeah.

I mean, they are serial killers, and they had, like, the Bonnie and Clyde thing going on, but... Oh, I definitely consider that a horror movie. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Social, political, commentary, satire, maybe? Well, I was... super violent too i mean i mean they got it they had no uh empathy for i mean they just killing at will and yeah no fucking remorse it was i think it was a definitely a horror movie yeah um A lot of people kind of look at them as heroes

They're villains. I think the best part of that movie was Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. Yeah, he was good. Right on. How about number one there, buddy? Number one, Ed and Lorraine Warren. Oh, yeah? Okay. That's a good one. You ever see a picture of the real Ed and Lorraine Warren? Yeah, nothing like that. They are a couple of troglodytes. They are not attractive. Lorraine looks like your grandma, and Ed looked like he should be driving a bus. Yeah, or a truck. Sure.

If you wanted to typecast a professional bowler. There you go. Right on. But the Conjuring movies are great. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. Both very pleasantly looking people. Very attractive individuals. I can see them as a real couple, actually. Sure, absolutely. Dusty, number one. I went with Mickey and Mallory. Oh, very cool. Right on. That's another very attractive couple. Juliette Lewis, circa 1996. 1990, really? Christmas Vacation.

I did. She always had like a damaged goods look to her. Kind of like I could probably get it. That's an actress I probably can do. I could probably, you know, I just put on my, you know, my leather jacket and something. I don't know. I don't stand a chance in hell, but I look like I think I might be able to. Have you seen her in that, was it Killer Bees?

Killer bees. Yellow jackets. Yellow jackets. Oh, no, she did not age well. No, I know she didn't look too good today, but yeah, back in the day. Right on. My number one. This is another scratch, but I went with it anyway. Norman and Mrs. Bates. I thought about that one. Yeah. That relationship is not... wholesomely mother and son so I don't know that you could call them a couple but I feel like there's some Too much overbearing motherly love.

Which probably could have gone into the carnal side a little bit. Either way, that's my number one. He probably breastfed until he was 13. Yeah, easily. Probably made him do it anyway. Gross. That is your meat hook for the week, inmates. It's top three horror couples. We'd love to know what you think. Let us know by next week if you can. The Mental Health Hotline is area code 775-387-0275 or hit us up at mail at paddedroompodcast.com and we'll get your email that way.

In the meantime, we're going to tell you what movies we got to watch this week in a little segment called What Are You Looking At? what are you Well, believe it or not there, fellas, we actually had some decent weather going on for a hot minute over the weekend. Set up the outdoor projector and showed the neighborhood kids Army of Darkness from 1992. Oh, nice. Very cool. I haven't gotten any angry phone calls yet. That one's pretty mild. It is, but you never know.

I don't want to traumatize anybody. Show my kid a horror movie. Ah, there's a skeleton in there. The pit witch was a little off-putting, but...

The flying thing. That thing was pretty gnarly. Evil Ash, when he pops up. When he sells himself back, or... pieces himself back together yeah and it comes out of the ground um there's i forgot that there was a couple of boobs in there there is yeah when uh when they're dragging when they drag when they capture the princess uh or ash's girlfriend and they take her back

And then in the background, you see them bringing in other chicks. A few of them have their tits out. Never mind. I haven't noticed it. I'll have to watch it again. I can give you a time stamp because I've seen that scene many times as a young man.

I watched that and I watched Ugly Stepsister from 2024. We're going to be touching on that later in the show. I will just tell you that it is definitely a body horror movie it's basically a horror version of uh cinderella from the perspective of the ugly stepsister all right it is definitely body horror i'll tell you that all right Prepare yourself. That's all I'm looking at, buddy. What do you got?

Just one film wasn't a horror movie. It was the new Minecraft movie. That's a horror movie? No, you said it wasn't. It wasn't a horror movie. But he had a busy couple of weeks. Mother's Day, you know. Oh, okay. What did you think? loved it yeah yes yes yeah it's a very good show i recommend everybody say even even though it is minecraft i was like i don't know if i'm like this it's minecraft uh just

Jack Black took over the show. Cool. Yeah. Right on. Yeah. He's pretty funny. I watched my kid play Minecraft. You're literally doing nothing. Mm-hmm. You're like... Oh, kids are going berserk during this movie. You're like, you dig... Go hunt for materials, and then you build yourself a little... It is the dumbest thing ever. I don't understand. I don't get it either.

But like my kids, they will play it for like 45 minutes and then watch other people play it on YouTube for hours. I don't get it, Tim. Not me either. Video games have changed a lot, apparently. They have. They've gone back to the pixelated style, and we're looking at the new shit. We're like, oh, this is freaking rad. Yeah, look at all these graphics. Very artistic. And then Minecraft. Yeah. Stare at that too long. It'll make your eyes cross. I don't get it.

Right on, man. Dusty, what do you got? We rented a movie called It Feeds. It was on Prime. It's basically about This woman who is a... Psychic. She kind of poses herself as just a regular therapist, but she gets patients come in that are particularly damaged, and she actually has the ability to kind of go into their heads and see where the trauma started and basically it kind of reminded me a bit when she was in these people's heads of the cell and it sets up like basically this kid was

molested by his high school coach or something, right? So then he's portrayed as the wolf. Anyway, so she's a therapist that works with people to try to get out this trauma. and her daughter works with her, and her 17-year-old daughter doesn't have the ability yet, but they think that she will because the father had it too.

and right now she's basically just doing the screening and clerical work for the clients because they won't um do this type of work for dangerous entities or whatever anyway so this kid shows up a little girl i don't know she's probably 12 or something like that 13 she shows up she's i need your mom's help i need your mom's help really just and she's got scars on her arms and on her face and so they think it possibly is some kind of a abusive relationship with one of the parents but

So the daughter is speaking with her in the room, and then she gets all quiet and stares off into the corner. She's all, it's here, oh no. and the daughter who's helping the psychic mother looks around. There's nothing there. The mom walks in, and there's a fucking thing, like a demon-looking thing, right over the girl's shoulder, and she freaks the fuck out. So she can see it, right?

So anyway, the dad comes in and takes her away. And the mom says, I refuse to help that girl. I'm sorry. We're not going to do that. The daughter wants to help her, so she snoops around trying to figure out how they can help her. And then it escalates from there. You'll find out kind of what this entity thing is. The dad has something kind of to do with it. He's doing... pretty shady shit to keep his daughter safe from

the demon taking over, whatever it is, entity, whatever. And then, I don't want to give too much of the story, but it was a pretty good show. Yeah, it sounds good. Yeah, it was a pretty good show. Right on. So we had to rent it, though, so it's not free. I just added it to my list. I'm sure it'll be free at some point, but yeah, it's a pretty good show. Cool, cool. We watched the show. Jeff recommended this, and it's called, it's on Prime. So it's free on Prime called The Bondsman.

This show is fucking... Oh, Kevin Bacon, right? Yes. Yeah. It's fucking great. Yeah, it's a good show. Yeah. He's basically a... Bounty Hunter. Bondsman. From how? Well, he starts out as a regular one in Georgia. South liberal Georgia.

and he gets killed, and then he comes back to life, and from that point on, he is a... bounty hunter for demons that are sneaking out of hell yeah nice and uh there's a whole corporate side of it he gets fucking faxes when a new demon pops up and he's got and he gets his whole family involved and it's a good show it's very ash versus evil dead

A lot of gore, a lot of really cool fucking kills. Nice. Good comedy. Good comedy, yeah. It's a good show. There used to be a show on the SyFy channel. It was basically the exact same premise. except the guy was like an ex-LAPD detective. Died, went to hell, got sent back because he had to go round up demons and stuff. I think it was called Brimstone or something. That sounds familiar. I don't think I ever watched it much.

It was sci-fi, so it was naturally bottom of the barrel, special effects, low budget. Not that great, but I heard good things about Bondsman. It is good. It's like Demon of the Week. Every episode, there's a new demon that pops up. Nice. research them and then they inhabit the people that they're possessing right nobody else can see him but him yeah so yeah it's it's a good show cool so worth the watch and then uh jeff and i went saw thunderbolt

Marvel. What do you think of that? Oh, it was fucking awesome. I was losing faith in Marvel. Yeah. Ever since Endgame, nothing really good has come out. Really. So, kind of losing faith, but this one was Good. Really good. Got back on track. Cool. So, I'll recommend that one. And seeing it in the theater would be great, too. So, if you hate.

Had any on the fence about seeing it, I'd go see it. It's fucking good. Cool. All right. Check that shit out. Anything else, Dusty? Nope. That's it. All right. How about some immersion therapy? Mm-hmm. What'd you guys think of Hard Axe? Loved it. It's a good show, right? I love Alan's analogy of it filmed as like a Hallmark movie. I couldn't put my finger on it.

and as soon as he said that I was like oh my god you're fucking right I was thinking the exact same thing but now that he said it I'm like thinking about that opening scene with the proposal that's a fucking hallmark A whole premise of, oh, I'm losing my job, I'm in so much pressure, but here comes this hunky dude to save me and I'm going to fall in love. That is a Hallmark movie. Except somebody's going to get stabbed in the face with a machete. Mm-hmm.

Good one. I liked it. I liked it a lot. It's very quirky. It's a lot of fun. Fun movie, yeah, for sure. The kills are pretty gnarly, too. Yeah. Like that opening with the wine cast. That grape stomp or smasher. That's pretty gnarly. That's a good show. Streaming right now on Netflix if anybody's interested. um yeah check that shit out buddy what do you got for us this week all right this week let's check out 2025's the ugly stepsister

This follows Elvira as she battles against her gorgeous stepsister in a realm where beauty reigns supreme. She resorts to extreme measurements to captivate the prince. amidst a ruthless competition for physical perfection. You'll find this gem on Shudder. Okay, here comes your disclaimers. Eyeball stuff, nose stuff, uh 18th century oh uh teeth stuff uh penetration hardcore penetration stuff Full on cock into vagina stuff. Not for kids. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Rainworm stuff.

Um, there's a lot of stuff in there. It's pretty gnarly, dudes. I think you're going to like it, though. Check that shit out, inmates. We'll do the same in Compare Notes next week. But now it's time for a round of Who's Your Daddy? Who is Daddy? First, my clues from last week. Well, I am a tired, lonely old man sitting in a big, creepy house on top of a hill. I always wanted a son, but never had the opportunity to have one, so I'll just build my own.

Out of parts. That I find around this place. And I am just about done. I've got him to his final stage. And I died before I could put the right hands on him. Shit. Luckily an Avon lady will show up. Open up a hair salon for them. It's going to be great. Talking about Edward Scissorhands, obviously. That was a layup. I agree. It might not be this week, you ask. Wow. I am the best friend of a scientist.

and he is a bit of a recluse, and his wife is really worried about him, and so am I, to be honest with you. While I am his best friend, I'm also financing his work and his research. The son of a bitch has locked himself in his own basement and he's refusing to come out.

I'm going to have to go get to the bottom of this and hope that he's got some results for me. Or he'll at least let me see what he's got going on down there. I really hope he hasn't turned his arm and his head into another species of... thing that could be... Well, he might need some help. Who might I be next week? Tune in and I will drop some knowledge on you and me.

In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for us this week. Thank you very much for joining us. Join us next week for antlers. Executive produced by Guillermo del Toro. I'm sorry, man. I gotta get out of this romance-y fairy tale shit for a minute. We need to get back to horror.

Like, comment, subscribe. Wherever you found this show, that helps our visibility quite a bit. We do have a Patreon campaign running. Just go to paddedroompodcast.com. You'll find everything you need to know about us there. In the meantime, you guys got anything else on the week? Nope. Nope, good. Four, Buddy and Dusty. Insects that can possibly ruin your life. Meth heads in the forest. Wolf men that aren't quite wolf men, but more like hairy, rude guys. Ha ha ha. Hot sister crushes.

That was more than a crush, my friend. Oh, yeah. That was a full-on Handy J sister situation. That's disgusting. Well, you know, it's European, Dusty. Europeans have their own rules. I don't know. And the Padded Room Podcast. I'm afraid visiting hours are over. I am happy.