Welcome to Noise with the Boys. Yes, yes, yes, we are back on the air. It is the Padded Room Podcast. My name is Darian. I am still here after almost 14 years in this fucking room. I'm still here and I'm still doing it. I'm not alone anymore, ladies and gentlemen. Buddy is here. Hey, what's going on? What's going on, big buddy? Oh, man, just enjoying these few days of warm weather while it lasts. It's been nice, man. It's been really, really nice. I feel like spring has sprung.
But I know I'm just setting myself up for another big heartache. Yep. Because I know... It's coming. Motherfuck. More snow, more rain, more cold. See, I commit it to pants. I wear one pair of pants for the whole week. I'll change my underwear and I'll change my undershirt. But one pair of pants, one work shirt. Because I know I'm going to get filthy. Yeah. What's the point of me filthy in and up, you know, five, six pairs of pants? Now, I'll wear one pair of pants. I'm already...
wishing that I had committed to shorts instead. Yeah, that'd be a good commitment. Well, it's only Tuesday, bro. That's the thing. It's only Tuesday. And I'm in for a five-day commitment of long pant legs. Yeah, you wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. That's the trick. What's the point of that exactly? Well, you don't have to change your underwear as much.
I'll bear that into consideration. All right. All right. Dusty is also here. Hello. I noticed you got your underwear on the inside. On the inside, I do. Like a gentleman, buddy. Like a gentleman. I do have to let you know, though, after 14 years. This room is getting a little musky. Is it? You need to get out a little bit better. I should. I need some sunlight. I need some fresh air.
Probably do some exercise. A lot of man musk in here. Well, this is also my masturbatorium. Oh, lovely. Is that why I stick to the floor? Yes, I'm surprised you're able to get up off that chair, to be honest with you. What's going on, Dusty? How you been, Big God? Good. Yourself? Nothing. Nothing really? Nothing happening? No, it's spring break for the kiddos, so no volleyball, which has been nice. I know. No flag football either for two weeks. So we were able to have, you know, a little bar.
Barbecue-age this weekend. Love it. Get some stuff done in the yard. Take advantage of the nice weather buddy speaks of before we get snow again this weekend. Well, see, now I tried to run my sprinklers. I'm all fucked up. I got at least one bad sprinkler head. I got a valve on the outside of my house. blowing out water left and right so now i'm thinking do i just wait on all that shit until after this next storm or do i knock it out now while it's still sunny out
I should probably just do it now. Be proactive, right? Be proactive. Be proactive. So then you can do all this fixing and then it freezes and then you have to fix it again. Yeah. But at least you had your good practice. That's true. So it could be a trial run. Yeah, totally. I'm still going to make a huge mess and have to dig and fuck around. I'm sick of being a homeowner, bro.
Be honest with you. There's times like this I miss the apartment days. Yeah. I don't miss getting into fist fights in the parking lot. Oh, man. Having horny neighbors that will not stop fucking for 36 hours at a time. Good for them. I know. I can only beat off so much. I'm just a man. I'm getting all chafey. I'm just one man. Oh, it's terrible.
All right, anyway, enough about us and our domestic nightmares. We got a regular show to do here, fellas. Listener mail, horror news, all of the above, I think. How about we kick things off with a little horror news? Oh, yeah. Horror news. Alright, what do you got there, buddy?
Oh, me this time. Yeah, you look like you're chomping at the bit. Let's see who's all I can take this time around. Yeah, you fucking asshole. Just kidding. I only got one, but it'll last a little bit. All right. All right, so real injury lawyer reveals the 10... Final destination accidents, you most likely will happen to you. So what do you think are some of the popular ones out there? Well, I imagine that whole...
36 car pile up. I think that's probably a good start. I hope it doesn't start with the impalement of a police officer. But a big car accident, that's probably one. Plane crash lately. They're fucking falling out of the sky left and right. Landing upside down and shit. Yeah. Well, just a few years back, downtown L.A. Law, one of L.A.'s leading... Okay. So, number one.
ladder related injury final destination two i gouged out by a falling fire escape ladder yeah okay yeah number two scaling moving fences final destination five cut in half by a metal fence Lifting weights. Crushed by weights. Okay. In Final Destination 3. Number four. Scalded with oil. In Final Destination 5, oil truck spill. Okay.
Number five, lawnmower accidents. The final destination rock shot through eye socket by lawnmower. Yeah, that'd be brutal. Number six, escalator malfunctions trips. The final destination cotton escalator gears. Get sucked all in there. Right? Number seven, shot with a nail gun. Final Destination 3, shot by a nail gun. There's safeties on those things. Yeah, right? Okay, as the owner of a nail gun, I can tell you, you cannot just...
You zap off a couple rounds, dude. You have to go back to safety. You have to press it against something. There's like a safety thing on the muzzle. You have to press it and then boom. There's a workaround. You can't just let fly with a nail gun anymore. You can use your two fingers and pull the safety back and start letting her fly. I didn't think about that. That's why there's people in the hospital. In my construction days, we used to set up the camp.
on the stack. Oh, boy. That explains all. You know the Billy Madison? Hell yeah. Yeah, we did that. Number eight, roller coasters accidents. Final Destination 3, roller coaster crash. Okay. Number nine, Barbecue Burns. Final Destination 2, Barbecue Explosion. And number ten, Tanning Bed Burns. Final Destination 3, Tanning Bed Set on Fire.
I hadn't been in a tanning band that set off fire, but I did burn the old boys one time in a tanning band. I can honestly say I've never seen the inside of a tanning band. I did one time in my life and burned the boys and never went back. That's the end of that. I have had some close calls on the barbecue, though. Sometimes the propane gets a little...
And then you let it go, and then maybe you go inside to talk to somebody, and then you come out. Then you hit the ignite. Then you hit the ignite. Kaboom! The lid pops up. Yeah. That's a bad sign. That is. And now the neighbors are peeking over the fence. And that's all I got. Dusty, what do you got? All right, Dusty?
Right on. All right. Well, this is in early talks, but the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot is in development. Are we talking about another reboot? Yep. Okay. This is what this is saying. There's very sparse details about the plot. Leatherface could be getting ready to rev up his chainsaw once again as Deadline is reporting that studios are looking to reboot the iconic Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise with an eye towards a big star.
According to Deadline's report, studios and filmmakers have been in contact with Verve, an agency that has handled the rights to the Iconocore franchise since 2017. Specifically, one of the people interested is T.J. Molnar, director of the... 2023 indie thriller, Strange Darling. Okay. Deadline also notes that should Molnar get the opportunity to write a script for the new entry, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then megastar Glenn Powell...
is someone who would like to read for it. Who the hell is Glenn Powell? He's the guy from Top Gun Maverick, the Iceman of the, what's his name? Hangman. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. So he won't, well, he can't be Leatherface. I don't would imagine not, but that pretty face he is. No, yeah, no. I mean, you might as well put Ryan Gosling in there. Yeah. Have the ladies running at him.
So it's not set in stone yet, but the report mentioned that studios like Lionsgate, A24, and Neon are all interested should it come to fruition. Okay. I love me some Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That is a very disjointed franchise. It is completely bananas. There's several different iterations and not a whole lot of actual chronological...
Anything that makes sense, really. 1 and 2 are pretty much their own thing. 3 has nothing to do with anything, although it's not a bad show if you ever get a chance to watch it. Now we get into 4, which would be... Texas Chainsaw, the Alexandra Daddario. thing and then we get into leather face the prequel but then we can branch off into the hewitt family which is the remake and the prequel to the remake so dude you can pretty much just do whatever you want and then we had this last uh
What was it, 2020 Netflix, the shit pipe movie? Oh, yeah. Which actually I thought was pretty good. Yeah, I thought it was good. I kind of was into that, except for what they did with Sally Hardesty. I didn't think that made any sense. But that was the only, I think, direct sequel, right? I mean, they're claiming it's kind of a retcon like they did with Halloween. Yeah, I think that would probably be the only way that that works, is that if you just watch the first...
Yeah. Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then watch that one. The Netflix one, yeah. Yeah. Yep. But whatever, dude. I can't keep track of this shit anymore. All right. I got one more. Lee Cronin is currently working on a new... The Mummy movie for New Line Cinema, Atomic Monster, Blumhouse, and Cronin's Doppelganger Banner are producing the film, which is expected to begin filming next week. Okay. Wow. So, The Hollywood Reporter.
Per the Hollywood Reporter, Renner, who is this guy they're getting, Jack Renner is in Talk to the Star in this new one. Okay. And he was in, I think he was the boyfriend in Midsommar. Okay. The blondish kid. Sure. You know. Yeah, yeah. So he's in talks to star in this thing. And per The Hollywood Reporter, Renner has been cast as a husband and father who runs afoul of supernaturally sinister forces. So.
Yeah, so that's basically in the very early stages of a new movie, a new mummy movie from Lee Cronin. I mean, it's going to be hard to top that. 2017 magnum opus starring the Tom Cruise, buddy. The Tom Cruise. Along with the rising star Ashley Batella. Sophia Batella. Sophia, I'm sorry. I don't know who Ashley Batella is. The one that Jason accuses of looking very handsome. Manly. I would say handsome. She's got broad shoulders. I'll tell you that. Right on, man.
That's all I got. What do you got? Dudes, dudes, dudes. We are on the cusp of April. Do you know what April is? April Fools. That and? Spring. Exactly halfway to Halloween, amigo. That's right. And we have some things jumping off over at Pluto TV. They're doing their halfway to Halloween April ghouls celebration. April ghouls. Ghouls, yes. Basically, it's the same thing as Monster Vision or Fear Fest on AMC. Nice. Pluto is like a...
It's like a free cable provider. You guys know what Pluto is, right? So they have like a thousand channels. Pick your favorite. They have an American Gladiators channel. It's nothing but American Gladiators all day long. And it's just the same 14 episodes in a complete loop. Old school ones or the newer ones? Oh, yeah, the old ones. Yeah, only the old ones. But it will make you want to build a tennis ball.
Gatling gun in your garage. I always wanted to do that. So bad. Just mount it on the back of a truck. Kids. And just. They've got them in the terror dome. Or the terror dome. At the... Oh, yeah. The Thunderdome. Yeah, but they don't load them with tennis balls. They load them with those... They're Nerf balls, but I mean...
First time I went in there to get the kid out. He got pelted. Oh, God. Yeah. Adults are not allowed in there. No, they see an adult in there, you've got a target on your back. You are targeted. Yeah, but I want to just mount one of those on my car and just take it to, like, one of those. Tesla protests or something. Just light those motherfuckers up. Oh yeah, fascism!
Concussion. How about that? Welts everywhere. Anyway, Pluto's going to have a halfway to Halloween channel. It's going to be nothing but horror movies. The bad news, my friends, is that Pluto does edit. their content. Lame. Yeah, it sucks. Does the name Linda Cardellini ring any bells? Italian lady? I assume so. It will very soon because she has just been cast as Pamela Voorhees in A24's Crystal Lake series. I did read that. Very exciting. She's a little too sexy.
If you ask me to be Pamela Voorhees. Well, it's a prequel. True, but... Maybe Pamela was a dish back in the day. If Pamela's a dish, is she going to give birth to that troglodyte? You never saw the dad. I mean, the dad could have been, you know. Then what the hell is she doing with him? Maybe she got raped. Maybe it wasn't consensual. By the Toxic Avenger? Get the fuck out of here. I don't know about that, man. Did you guys ever see that new Strangers movie? The prequel?
I didn't. It's a show, isn't it? Or is it a movie? It's a movie. Oh, I didn't see it. It's called Strangers Chapter 1. I heard nothing good about it, to be honest with you. Strangers Chapter 2 is going to hit theaters in September. It's going to be a sequel to the prequel. Okay. So there you go. Just packing them in. Just packing in there. I don't know how to feel about this one, bros, and you let me know what you think. Clive Barker, we know him. We love him.
He's got a show coming out called Night of the Zoopocalypse. I thought I read about this. Now, it sounds like a very family-friendly... Possibly undead zoo animal situation. I don't know. Okay. That's not the Clive Barker that I know and love. They already made that movie, isn't it? It's called Zumbies. Zumbies, yes. I don't know what this is about, but it sounds very silly to me.
And that's not really his jam. Unless they're going to have gay sex or there's going to be some kind of an S&M situation. I don't know, man. I'm not too into it. I played the Clive Barker video game. Even it was very kind of touchy-feely, creepy. Make you feel dirty kind of a go take a shower kind of a thing. I don't know, man. Night of the Zoopocalypse. Is it a show or a movie? It's going to be a movie and it's going to hit VOD next month. Well, I guess we'll have to see what it is. Rated G.
Maybe Z. I don't know. And lastly, here's something that's been a long time coming. John Carpenter will finally get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame next month. It's been criminal. I know. How does he get overlooked? He probably made more money than half the fucking people. He's a filmmaker and composer. I agree. And he does video games too. Wow. So there's that. Good for him. Yeah, it's about time, right?
We've got reality stars on there. Nobody knows who the fuck they are. Right. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. All right. That's all we've got on the horror news, dudes. Let's get into some listener mail, if we could. Listener mail. Yeah, buddy. No emails this week. We do have a couple of voicemails, though. Okay. Here comes our main man from Alabama. Alan's in the house.
What's going on, Alan? Hey, Alan. What's up? I hope everybody's doing well. What's up? Terry, er, is Gary in your house the devil? You got me. Covered next month is A.J. Bowen. You got us. Yes, sir. Let's see. Favorite black and white movies. Number one, Night of the Living Dead. Attaboy. Number two. The original Dracula. Okay. And number three, Haxon. Wow. Like 1919, something like that. That's a badass movie. That's a fun one. A lot of naked people.
But the visuals are amazing. They are pretty bananas. Let's see what they'll watch. I don't know how to watch Con Air. That's random. That's about it. I'll see you later. Put the bunny back in the basket. Beautiful. Thanks for calling in, Alan. That is a great movie. Yeah, it is. It doesn't make a lick of sense. How the hell... Okay, so... Okay, all right. I'm with you. You're Green Beret, I think, and your hands are registered as deadly weapons. And...
You know, I get you so far, but your pregnant girlfriend is about to be attacked and raped. You fend off the attackers, accidentally killing a couple of them. Who was armed with a knife, by the way. By the way, you are correct, sir. How is he going to prison? You're not. You're not. There's no fucking way. A jury is going to convict that guy. Okay. Not to mention the bar full of people.
That witnessed them previously accost the pregnant young. Okay. That's a whole thing. Especially because it looked like they were somewhere in... Texas? Well, they definitely played up the southern draw. Right. So, I mean, usually in those kind of states, you're just fine defending yourself property or pregnant-wise. Exactly right. But, you know, whatever. All right. Thanks for calling in, Alan. Here comes Mr. Tom Hardy. Hey, Tom Hardy. Hey-o. We're hanging. We're here. What do you think?
You know what? For me, put me down number three. The original Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I don't know why. I fucking love that bird. I think I like that more than the original, man. I don't know why. I just dig that one. Okay. And then for two, it's got to be Psycho. Okay. Man, all the reasons you guys have already mentioned. And then, of course, number one has got to be, I got to agree with you on this one, Darian.
Night of the Living Dead yes sir first really modern fucking horror flick in a lot of ways you know uh the pace of that one doesn't feel like a black and white flick. It just fucking hits the ground and gets fucking going. I'm with you. I don't know. I fucking love it. Hey, uh, oh, real quick, you know, I gotta, I gotta, uh, Let me just talk to Buddy and Dusty there. They're both here. I won't listen. I'll leave the room.
I'll be honest with you, I fuck around with some sci-fi flicks every so often. It doesn't have to be a horror, just a good sci-fi flick. So I'm fucking looking for one, you know? I come across this flick called Rebel Moon, and there's two parts. It's on Netflix, and this might be kind of cool, you know. Come to find out it's directed by Zack Snyder, you know, the guy who did the remake of...
Dawn of the Dead, Army of the Dead. I mean, that's done some good shit. So I was like, fuck yeah, I'll give this sucker a shot, man. So I'm watching it, and in the beginning, you know, there's this fucking chick. She's like a farmer. Or whatever. Okay. And she's got this fucking, like, kind of emo, punky haircut. I don't know. That's kind of nice. You know, fucking...
She's fucking, like, bending over, you know, tilling the soil. Oh, wow. I'm doing my tits work. Hey, what's going on around here? And I'm watching the first one, and I'm watching. I'm like, I don't know, I'm like 35 minutes in. I'm like, man. Fucking shit's getting hotter and fucking hotter. Damn. And I keep watching. And, uh, wow, I gotta find out who this fucking bitch is, man. And so I do. I fucking Google it. And, uh...
It's, if you see, it's fucking Sophia Botella. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I know, man. So, it's like... fuck man she's fucking kind of hot in there and in the second fucking one you know she does get topless but she kind of fucks it up because she's so damn skinny like you see all her ribs and shit like that even though she's got a nice wrap and all that anyway don't fucking tell Darian
that I said this shit, alright? He'll be like, oh yeah, I fucking told you it wasn't a dude and all that. Yep, I have seen both of those. It's on my watch list. She spends... Pretty much the whole first movie in a wife beater, too. So, you know. Hey, can I come back in yet? Come on back in. Okay. What did I miss? What happened? Don't worry about it. No, nothing? No. Fuck. You guys are, what, passing secret codes or something?
I'm going to listen to this again later. All right, he called back. Something you don't want to listen to. No? I don't know if I can still be in the room for this. Here I go. G motherfucking P. GP, baby. Oh, yeah. Anyway, like I was saying, man, yes, it's a pretty good flick, man. So, yeah, it's a sci-fi. It's not a horror flick. I mean, there's some violence in it. But, yeah, check it out, man. You know, Rebel Moon, you know, part one and two. Oh, Rebel Moon.
They got director's cuts. I watched the director's cuts. Don't know if the other cuts are significantly different. Did have some great violence in it, even though it is a sci-fi flick. But it seemed like it was just trying to create, like... star wars character yeah that's what it reminds me of yeah but the trailer but after that you know like i said it's uh directed by zach snyder so i went on to watch fucking uh dawn of the dead you know that a boy the remake and fucking love that flick
Anyway, that's all I got. Oh, one last thing. I'm going to be out of the country for a couple of weeks. I fucking will be checking in, though, but I won't be able to check in with the padded room. So just know this. I will know the educating department 100% the entire time I'm out of the country. We figured that, yeah.
Fucking put me down for a win on that shit. Two wins. Two wins in a row. Two wins in a row. That's all I got. Dusty, buddy. Just keep that bit between us, son. Mom's the world. That's right. I don't trust you fucking assholes. Beautiful. Thanks for calling in, Tom Hardy.
You're a gentleman and a scholar. I don't know what you're up to, but I don't like it. I'll give it a watch. It was a little bit of nerd talk. Just nerd talk? Okay. Sci-fi movies. Oh, whatever. You bunch of doofuses. You said you saw them both? Yeah, I saw them both. I liked them a lot. But I am into the sci-fi thing. Is it a Star Wars thing or is it something else? I think it was his attempt to make, to kind of jumpstart a Star Wars type, you know.
fan or opus right but uh it's i liked it a lot like it's uh it's beautifully shot, like all the special effects and stuff and the, and the landscapes. It's pretty damn cool. Um, and some of that story plot lines were just like, you know, it didn't have, it's, it wasn't really solid, but, um, The bad guy, he's a ripe prick, so you hate him. It's definitely worth...
a watch for both of them. Okay. Right on. Check it out, inmates. I'll check it out. Let's get into a movie here. Oh, fuck. Oh, fucking shit. All right, here we go. It's movie time. All right. you Take this girl away. Come on, lady. Captain West, I want to know the connection between this plane crash and Dr. Zoka's death. And unless you tell me... All right, arrest her. It must work. As the Phantom, there is nothing that I cannot do. You're welcome.
Dr. Plain, 8 miles off Devils Point, heading for the Navy Anchorage. fellas we are talking about phantom creeps from 1939 jesus fucking christ man so dude if you want to watch this if you want to watch the whole fucking thing You're looking at about four hours and change. And the reason for that is because this is actually a binge watch of a bunch of old serials.
I don't know how long the serials were. I don't know where they played or when or how, but they just kept cranking them out. That does make sense, though, now that I'm thinking about it because watching it.
They did repeat a lot of shit. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So I was like, God, we just fucking said that. And they also glaze over a lot of shit. Like some guy will get captured and then – five minutes later he's just back in the laboratory yes nothing happened exactly so we're just there's okay so there's the the if you want to see the whole shit it's about four hours and change but there's a edited down for tv version
You can find the riff track over at Tubi. Buddy watched it on Fawesome. Dusty? Freebie. Freebie. It's about an hour, right? Hour 18. Hour 18 is what you're looking at. I did not watch the four-hour version, but I would hope that it makes more sense than what I'm about to present to you because we are – I'm about to – You're about to see me break a sweat over here trying to make this make sense, okay? Okay. Oh, Daddy, we are going to start off in a mad scientist laboratory.
with Bela Lugosi playing a guy named Dr. Zorka. Very creepy. Long beard, out of his mind, of course, naturally. He's got a Igor-type dude. We just call this guy Monk. Monk, yeah. And... Getting into the movie, I was led to believe for a second or two that there was more than one monk. Yes, because he kept changing fucking mustaches when he drove a car. He had to go into disguise when he drove a car. Or was there supposed to be two different monks?
I don't know either. I don't know. Well, I mean, okay. So Dr. Zorka has been sequestered in his mad scientist laboratory. And this is something that I really love. especially about these old horror movies. The Mad Scientist Laboratory. Oh, yeah. You got a bunch of random skulls. Oh, yeah. Probably real skulls. Could be. Yeah. They might have just dug them up.
There's usually a Tesla coil. There's usually a Jacob's Ladder. One of those rabbit ear things that the spark goes up. Yeah, that's a Jacob's Ladder. It raises the thing up and then it goes at the top. You got a bunch of beakers in dry ice situations. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on in there. Secret compartments. Absolute flashing lights every now and then. Love it, man. It's usually like in a cave. Bubbling water. Yeah. Like in a cave with...
Leave via the window. You don't even get the front door anymore. Anyway, it's awesome. But he's in there. He's tinkering around. And all of a sudden, Monk is... Igor-like henchman rolls up and he's like, Master, there's a car outside. And he's like, I know, it's my wife. She's coming to check on me. And he's like...
Oh, no. What are we going to do? I'm going to show her my newest invention. So in walks the wife, and she's got another dude with her, a guy by the name of Dr. Mallory. Now, Mallory is – this is – I'm giving the impression that this was supposed to be like a pseudo-intervention because...
Zorka's wife is all pissed off that he's spending all this time in his laboratory, and she's kind of feeling neglected, which makes me wonder what exactly she was doing with Dr. Mallory. I think Dr. Mallory was supposed to be his ex... partner yes yeah yeah and he left because he was getting into some shady shit yes yeah so it they set up like this weird ambush situation they walk into the the house mallory goes and like hangs out in the shadow
while Mrs. Zorka comes and knocks on the door and gets Dr. Zorka out. Now, Dr. Zorka, Bela Lugosi, is very excited about this new element that he found. He found a new element on the periodic table, apparently. What the hell is it? I don't know. But it's a little disc. And if you put it in your house plant and then let loose the spider to go to this thing attracts spiders.
Or maybe just well-trained ones. I think the spider is supposed to be some kind of a robot-ish thing, like a robot. I fucking hope so, because that thing didn't look anything like a spider. Yeah, I think he made the spider. Okay. And it's supposed to be an infiltration device.
like a grenade, right? So it seeks out the disc and then blows up. I'm into that. I like that. So that's my impression. I'm with Dusty on that. I like that. Yep, that sounds good. Spider goes to the disc, which was... put in a houseplant look minor explosion like a plume of smoke and then the houseplant quickly dies so congratulations you've found a way to fuck up your houseplants very exciting stuff
Alright, out comes Dr. Mallory after witnessing from the shadows this whole demonstration. He's like, Dr. Zorka, I can't allow you to put this on the free market. And he's like, I'll be the richest man ever. Nations will bend to my will because I have the new element. And he's like, I'm going to call the government, see? So he literally gets on the phone and says, give me the government. Apparently the government is like, okay, we can't have this shit going on. We're sending a captain.
Captain of what? America. They send Captain, quote unquote, Captain Bob West, Captain of the Governments. Comes flying in. What a title. Totally. Comes flying in on his private airplane. Lands in Zorka's.
driveway yes which is yeah spot on right uh well he's not flying the plane his buddy jim daly is and uh as soon as captain west pops out of the plane he's greeted by a reporter hot little blonde number she's like hey quote for the times and he's like oh listen little lady i'm gonna introduce you to jim daly and here comes jim daly and he's like all right pack it on in you're not going anywhere near this project or whatever uh
In goes Captain West to investigate the situation. At this point, okay, so if I'm understanding this correctly, the mad scientist's laboratory, is it underneath the house? He moved it because he was... He tried to hide it because he knew that...
Mallory was going to tell the government. Right. He's basically saying, let's take all my good shit, my good experiments, and move it downstairs in the secret laboratory. Okay. And that's where you got to... So he's got the front laboratory. He's got the fake laboratory. And he's got the fake laboratory. And then he's got the secret laboratory. Okay, that makes sense. Okay, and you've got to go through the tree trunk to get to it, right? Yeah, or the secret door of the real laboratory. Okay.
Fucking laboratory. All right, that makes sense. Anyway, Zorka's like, I need to get out of here. I need to change my opinion. So he very quickly shaves his beard because that's going to throw him right the fuck off. In the meantime, Captain West comes in. starts poking around the house he spots uh dr mallory and mallory's like hey man he's got this uh secret exploding spider situation we got to get the fuck out of here can't let that get into the hands of the secret spy ring
That's going on. Because there's a spy ring. They don't say where they're from. They're just a spy ring. And they operate out of a language school. So watch out for that. By the way, if the captain knows about it, keep them away from you. from the language school because that's where the spy ring is why don't you just go arrest the fucking spy all right uh it's fine whatever
So he's like, okay, we're going to get the hell out of here. Zorka, this is going to blow your mind right here, fellas. Zorka has what's called a de-visualizer. De-visualizer. Now this fucking thing. It is a WWE championship belt that you slap that son of a bitch on and you're invisible, baby. Invisible with a shadow. You do still cast a shadow somehow. The first time he tried to use it, though, Monk fucked up. Yeah, Monk. Did you make the adjustments to the...
Flux capacitor. And he's like, yes, of course, master. And he puts it on. You fucking idiot. And he smacks him. He does not like Monk very much at all. Monk doesn't really want to be there either. I don't know what the hell. Every turn we go through this entire movie.
he's trying to do something to fuck it with the doctor. Oh, yeah. Save his own skin or fuck with the doctor. The worst... assistant ever really well i think he's just having fun at this point it's like oh you want me to put the belt on let me just fuck around with these knobs you asshole see how you like that shit It's called the de-visualizer, and it turns you invisible. Okay? Excellent. So Captain West, along with now Mrs. Zorka, Dr. Mallory, Jim Daly, who's...
Not going to last much longer. Hop on the plane and they're going to take it back to D.C. But as they do, Dr. Zorka, now in his devisualized state, plants one of the disks in... uh his wife's purse so she gets on the plane they get on there uh he lets one of the little possibly remote controlled spiders loose on the plane up the plane goes Fucking spider gets to the purse. Kaboom. The reporter snuck in. When the plate's going down, she comes out of the shitter.
With the full parachute on. But not just the parachute. The full gear. The goggles. The hat. Everything. She looks like she's ready. Millie Earhart. Ready to jump out. She wanted to jump out before they even showed up. She woke up. up in that outfit outfit she goes what the hell are you doing here i'm getting off this plane everybody jumps off the plane except jim daly who was killed in the crash no the wife didn't get off either didn't she no nobody got off
Just the reporter. She was the only one with a parachute? That fucking snatch. Captain West survived the plane crash some fucking house. So the wife dies. Jim Daly dies. But the guy came out without a scratch. He didn't even jump out. Captain West is good. The reporter's good. And Dr. Mallory is good, somehow. But West went down with them. Don't ask questions, Dusty. But the best part...
Now, this is the really shitty part, okay? Because as Dr. Zorka and Monk are driving away, they happen upon a poor hitchhiker who has the exact same facial hair situation that Dr. Zorka used to have. have dr zorka's like hey pick that guy up so they pick him up and then mysteriously they just drive off a cliff and they got a car wreck no it got that made no sense either
They're going on the road. Right. And the guy that was coming opposite of them just kind of veered. Yeah. And then they veered off the road. Yeah. And got in a car wreck and the car gets on fire. Kaboom. Monk and Doc are thrown out and the guys. Dead. Yes, those two guys unscathed. Yeah, of course. But the car's on fire. And the other guy's dead. So...
I mean, I think the plan was to murder the hitchhiker all along. Right, but they just did it for him. Well, they just found a guy driving the opposite direction and went, whoa! This is a very fortunate situation. He looks just like me. I put my driver's license on him and everybody will think that I am dead.
Okay. Don't let my wife see. Well, conveniently enough, as they're driving away from that crime scene, they happen upon the plane wreck where Dr. Zorka rolls up and he's like, oh, I am a doctor. And he runs out and he's like, oh, my wife is dead. But then nobody else recognizes him, so they just let him go. Excellent. That's fucking ridiculous. Now, I guess we have to assume...
that Dr. Zorka and Monk just continue to operate out of the second secret laboratory from here on out, right? They did move again. Well, they tried to rent an office space. Across from the language school. Oh, perfect. The spies are there for us. Those are going to be the high bidders for us. They were going to buy the fucking shit. All right. It's fine. Whatever, dude. All right.
Excellent. Very scary stuff. From here, we get to... We kind of hang out with Captain West for a while while he kind of goes through. We find out that Dr. Zorka had... What I can only explain as a giant African-American angry robot that is also poorly controlled. He's got like a Nintendo power glove that controls it. Exactly what it was, yep. And nobody can really figure out how to work this fucking guy.
He just kind of stumbles around and smashes into things. I have seen that robot at a Rob Zombie concert. Rob Zombie all day long. I shit you not. He comes out and dances. Every single time. He's great. I love him. And now that was the only thing that kind of sparked me. interest in this movie i was like that's where this fucking guy came yep that's it man um
They try to get this thing under control, but he comes out and smashes a bunch of walls. And sometimes Monk tries to fuck with him, but he just comes out and kind of fucks off. Throughout all this, we're going to get a lot of exposition here. So what we're going to break this down to is that this cool little element, this new element that he has, he actually has about a brick worth of it. And he keeps it in a secret compartment.
in the second secret laboratory. And it's Monk's job to stay there and protect the fucking shit. In the meantime, the spy organization... whatever the hell that is, is like onto him and they're trying to make contact with him as he's trying to get in contact with them to try to sell the fucking... New element, okay? And by spy ring, I mean a bunch of dudes talking into microphones and acting real panicked.
Didn't look like they'd do much damage if they had this. I mean, they looked very intense. They were like, you know, hey, what are you talking about? No, not me. Turn to a different channel. So very intense stuff there. From there, what we go to is back to Captain West, and he's trying to figure out what's going on. Now, the good news is that Dr. Mallory survived the plane crash, and that he found a way, he built like a... bananas fucking ray gun looking situation to nullify the
Devisualizer. It's the revisualizer. Revisualizer is what it is. So that's pretty awesome. So we can't have Dr. Zorka kind of...
Creeping around anymore. And he kind of figured out that Zorka's still alive. That's great. The wife is dead. He's probably extra pissed off. He's got more of this mysterious element. And here we're going to cut back to flashback country. We're going to find out where this mysterious... element came from yeah a meteorite somewhere in Africa and it took Zorka a couple of years to find the exact
like impact zone and once he found it uh he had to put on a bunch of special gear and rappel down into the crater i guess looked like they were welding that's yes there was a lot of sparks involved and especially since like the culmination of that involved him going down with like a sandwich baggie and a ball ping hammer and chipping off a couple of pieces but regardless what we're getting at is that he now has like a brick of this shit very exciting
Now, at this point, he knows that they know that he's still alive. So he's like, well... Clearly, I can't be using my underground lair anymore. So I got a secret compartment here. I'm going to keep the brick here. I want Monk and my big scary African-American robot to keep an eye on it. I'm going to go rent like an office.
somewhere next to the language school, which is very convenient. So he rents the office. He gets moved in there. Him and Monk are scoping the place out. Oh, yeah, it's going to be great. We've got to... Temperature control pressurized room over here. It's pretty dope. We're going to keep the...
New element in there and I can put my new lab equipment there. While he's having this conversation, the spies next door are listening. And they're like, hey, I know that creepy Eastern European accent. That's fucking Dr. Zorka. He's not dead. Yeah, where are these guys? I mean, I get it. He sets up his shop right next to the spy circle. Sure, yeah. But then they just have these listeners. They just came out of the blue. They're literally walking down the hall. Yeah.
They don't want to tell anybody else about it because they're... Double agent spies, I think. Because they don't want anybody else to know about it. Well, if they can get their hands on the new element, they can sell it. But this is my favorite part of the whole movie. These two spies are like, all right, we're going in. Let's mask up.
Fake mustaches. Fake mustaches. They'll never see us coming with fake mustaches on. They even acknowledge. How did you not see that they were wearing masks? No, it's a fake mustache. Come on, man. Are you kidding me? Fucking ridiculous. They go in there. Gunsblade. They capture Dr. Zorka and Monk. They're like, okay, you fuckers. Give me the shit. Give me the new element. So they give him the brick of the thing and then they lock him in the pressurized room. Now, while that was going on...
We had Captain West and Dr. Mallory trying to figure out what the new element is and how it can be used and all that shit. Good for us, though. Good for Dr. Zorka. A couple minutes before this, he introduced a new gadget called the Z-Ray. Okay, so as he explained... First off, what does he have against houseplants?
He is just laying waste to houseplants every chance he gets. He's tired of watering. He must be a rat lover. That's what it is. He doesn't want to take it out on the rat, so he uses plants. He uses houseplants. That's right. As he explains the use of the Z-ray. It impregnates or it affects impregnated things. You have to hit it with the invisible gas first. And then you bang the Z-ray. And then...
It kills the fucking shit, I guess. It penetrates each cell. I don't. Okay. It was ridiculous. That's better than anything I could come up with. He does a good job of half-ass explaining it, though. Yeah. And in case you're wondering how... It's very bad. Very bad. And in case you're wondering how anybody has managed to track down this element, they're using something called a neometer. Yeah.
Fuck is a neometer. We're never going to know. Other than... Finds meteors. And this new block of shit that we're trying to capture. All right. Excellent. So... Good news, he happens to have the Z-ray gun on him while he's trapped in the airtight pressurized vault. He lets go the invisible gas and hits the... Door locking mechanism with the Z-ray. Kaboom, they're out and free. Smash cut to them back at the old laboratory. Now, if I were interested, I would watch the whole...
goddamn four hours of this, and there may be some exposition in there as to how that transpired or what kind of things happened in between. I didn't even remember seeing how they got the box of the meteorite back. They just had it back when they were in the lab. Yeah, yeah. There was a quick line of dialogue about, oh, good thing we got it back. Yeah.
How did you take it away from the spies? Did you kill those guys? I don't know. I showed them my nuts. There you go. I sang them to sleep with my new accent. Very crazy. All right. Excellent. All right. So now, again, we have to kind of sort this out. Good news. He's got the element back. Bad news for Dr. West and Dr. Excuse me, Captain West and Dr. Mallory who are trying to stop him from selling this shit to the spy ring or on the black market or whatever the fuck. So here comes Dr. West.
Captain West and Dr. Mallory, they've got their neometer, which is tracking the new element. And out of nowhere, they're like, you know what? I bet he's back at his old goddamn house. So they go back to the old house. Unfortunately, Dr. Zorka is no longer there. He had to go...
hop on the invisible train and go fuck with some people. I think he was trying to track down the spies that took his shit to begin with because he hopped in the back of their convertible for a second. Yeah, then we missed all that. Yeah, so then he just ends up at the lab with the thing. Yeah. After he hopped in there as the...
You can tell because his shadow got into the car. And the door opened and closed by itself too. Yeah, very cool. Nobody noticed that. The driver, what the hell? There's a shadow back there. Don't worry about it. So that's cool. Unfortunately, at this point, Captain West and Dr. Mallory are there. They're poking around the house with their neometer.
Down they go into the super secret lab. First off, Captain West gets what I'm going to call a bear hug slash dry humping from the large African-American robot. That thing is stupid. Very stupid. It works awesome for Rob Zombie at his concerts when it starts dancing and swinging the arms around. But when it comes to fighting a small man in a hat... It just kind of does a shimmy shake. And a bear hug. It looked like Captain West jumped into his arms. And then he's like, gotcha!
And then he just kind of goes, and then he lays him down in the chair. Now, I am not a filmmaker. I don't even pretend to be. I tried once. It was stupid. But I like to think. That if I had a giant cardboard cutout robot with what's clearly dryer duct arms and... That weird codpiece thing it had going on, whatever that was about. I could come up with a better way for that thing to kick the shit out of a 5'3 gentleman than what I just saw.
Because really, all he does is not even a WWE wrestling move. He literally is like, come here, big guy. I'm going to hug you. And then, ah! And he set him nicely back in the chair. Yeah, very gentle. There you go. And then the robot went right back to its laissez-faire, I don't give a shit attitude.
Very stupid. Mallory and the reporter come rushing in and they're like, oh my god, Captain West. And he's like out, but he's kind of not. And he's like, oh, this is a robot. In the meantime, Monk downstairs. decides now is the time to strike. Here comes Dr. Zorka and he's like, look, my robot has made short work of your Captain West. He puts one of those disc things right next to him. Yeah, and then he lets the spider go, and then the spider goes and blows up the thing, and Zorka's like, who?
You silly idiot. What'd you do that for, you asshole? And then he puts a pretty good beatdown on Monk. And after that, Monk is now injured, so we have to put him in the... spinning chair of healing i guess um just All these off-the-wall fucking inventions. I love it. It's like a buzzsaw with light bulbs going all the way around and like Monk's arm got fucked up. It looked like the love tester at the carnival. You know, he squeezed the thing.
You are a limp biscuit. Oh, fuck. Don't look at this, Cheryl. It spins around and then like... Monk is like, oh, my arm is completely healed. And he's like, yes, I'll get your ass back to work. Yeah, because I got shot in the arm. Yeah, that's right. Okay, that's great. Let's see, from there... the uh so finally after like captain west kind of like regains consciousness they find the secret passage down to the lab uh fucking monk left the secret
brick work storage thing open. So they're like, hey, check out my neometer is going crazy. There's our brick of rare... African meteor element. Let's grab it. Let's get the fuck out of here. So they grab it. They take off. Unfortunately for them, a couple of spies are in like hot pursuit. So they somehow get in front of them, I think. And they're like, okay.
Okay, here they come. They have a neometer also, by the way. My neometer is going crazy. They're coming right at us. Put your masks on. So they very quickly put their fake mustaches on, I guess. No, they were real masks this time. They're like gas masks. They were saying if you open that, there's a little tiny hole on top of that box. Yeah. And that lets out.
Oh, that's right. Remember he was doing that? The steam thing goes on. Yeah. So it affects the knocked over the power lines and all that shit. Fuck your shit up. Yeah. So you have to wear a mask if the thing's open. Yeah. They put their masks
on here comes the government because they're like hey give me that fucking thing unfortunately Dr. West and Mallory get out and like punch them both in the face and then hog tie them and they're like take your masks off it's old man Crothers you meddling kids and then that's about they pretty much from there they just capture the element but at that point Monk and Dr. Zorka have like they've got enough of the element to wreak some serious havoc so they
Go and hijack a fucking plane. By a plane, yeah. This is now an airstrike we're doing. So they get up in the airplane and they're flying around. Zorka's having the fucking time of his life. Oh, God. He's got some goggles on. And they're flying past, like, boats and naval warships. And he's like, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. And he throws it down. And it's sinking fucking boats. Battleships, yeah. Battleships, boom. With a glove thingy.
They will not take me alive. Monk says, I'm not on board with this fucking plan. I don't want to die. If I remember right, did they shoot him out of the sky? No, they're just fighting. Yeah. Because Monk didn't want to go down. Yeah. And Zorka's like trying to. That's right. You know, Harry Caray himself. Well, he does like a quick like Spock death choke on Monk.
And Monk just kind of goes, ah! And then the plane just kind of goes into the ground, right? Is that right? Yeah, it goes into the ocean and that's it. That's the end of your show right there. Woo! Yeah, so they died because they were fighting over Monk not wanting to. Monk being a pussy. Yeah. Come on. And then Zorka wanting to take the world with him when he goes.
Monk's like, you pay me $4.25 an hour, you fucking asshole. I've tried to kill you several times. God damn it, man. That is the phantom creeps, ladies and gentlemen. It is something. Ridiculous. I mean, if you think you can manage to sit through four hours and change of this, I encourage you to do so. I do not. I just don't have that kind of time.
in my life. Fellas, I'm sorry. There is a condensed made-for-TV version. It's about an hour and 18 minutes long. Fossum, what'd you say? It's on freebie, too. Freebie. You can watch the riff track version of the condensed version on Tubi. It's fine. It's something. It is definitely something. And I hate to close out Bela Lugosi month with phantom creeps. But...
Well, I'm glad I did. I'm glad that's done and over with because that was a fucking chore. Yeah, that was very disjointed. I mean, I imagine maybe if we had broken it down and watched it by episode. As it was intended to be, you know, maybe like one week at a time or something like that where – Oh, how are we going to defeat Dr. Zorka? Tune in next week and we'll check it out then. I think that's exactly kind of, that makes more sense now because it was like a gadget of that.
Gadget of the Week, but because it's so condensed, it's like Gadget of the 20-minute section. Exactly. Because he keeps having a new invention every 20 minutes. Yeah. This is my invisible... De-visualizer. And then this is my robot. And then this is my Z-ray. Oh, yeah. And then he never talked about the little...
You know, pipe bombs that he's tossing out of the plane, what those were. I don't know either. They're fucking scary. So probably it makes more sense if you watch the whole thing. He's got a new invention every week. That makes sense. Trying to watch it in one shebang. I say nay, my friends. That is it. That is Phantom Creeps, ladies and gentlemen. Let's take us a little break and we'll do some other stuff. Yeah.
Hey inmates, if you like what you hear, head over to the Padded Room Facebook group and support us through the patron link with a small monthly donation. Check out the T-Villain link at paddedroom.podbean.com and grab some t-shirts. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the show. And we're back, gentlemen. I love me some Bela Lugosi.
I like to get back to the horror roots from time to time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I don't want to stay there too long because it gets very silly. Like this one. Like this one. And it tends to stay very silly as well. All right. Well, I think it's time for three on a meat hook, fellas. Cheers. Cheers. Three on a meat hook. This week's Meat Hook top three, horror machines. Now, machine is a blanket statement. There's a lot of different machinery we've seen in horror films.
And you can interpret that in a lot of different ways. That being said, Dusty, what do you got on number three? All right, number three. I kind of went with my sci-fi horror slash elements. roots here and i went with ed 209 from uh robocop oh fuck that guy's an animal i love that guy that guy is a fucking animal yep i love it in uh
I think it was RoboCop 2. It's a different one, yeah. But I mean, similar, yeah. But he's on RoboCop's team now. Yeah. He blasts that dude away in the boardroom. Oh, God. And nobody blinks an eye. They're like, well.
I don't think this is going to work, Bob. Fucking guy just got blown out of the window with a rocket launcher. Oh, when I was a kid, I fucking loved that thing. Oh, dude. That thing is a gnarly sound. It has like a growl. Yeah, it's got like a lion growl. Oh, dude. That's a good one.
I didn't think of that. Well done, Dusty. Buddy, how about number three? I went with the semis in Maximum Overdrive. Okay, very cool. The Green Goblin one? The Green Goblin was the best. I always had a lot of questions. About the bananas, like, flatbed truck with just the one random M60 mounted on it that could just...
Must have been some rednecks truck. It had to be, right? Where the fuck? Who made that? That's clearly not street legal. Cletus. Cletus. It's not a U.S. Army or military grade. It's literally a flatbed truck with a... hole coming out of it that somebody has like welded on an m60 machine gun yeah it's awesome it's fucking awesome unless of course the trucks come alive in which case it can shoot the fuck out of Emilio Estevez Emilio
Nobody wants that, man. Oh, that's a gnarly machine as well. Have you guys, my number three, have you guys ever seen a movie called Tetsuo the Iron Man? I have not. Sounds familiar. It is bananas. Basically, it's Japanese, of course. It's from the early 90s, and it's very sexually fetishized. It's basically this lone Japanese businessman is walking home from work and he steps on a rusty nail.
From there, whatever it is that was in the rusty nail spreads to him and basically turns him into this... mechanical thing that with like gears turning and hoses coming out and about halfway through the movie he finds a iron woman and it gets very pornographic from there i did see they did a spot on this on the In Search of Darkness from the 90s. Was it 90s or 80s? Uh...
I think it's the 90s. So that's the only exposure I've had to this. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Exactly right. Yeah. I don't know what else to say other than it's very masturbatory and – Yeah, I know. You get a little choked up when we talk about this. And it's very Japanese and very fetishized. And there's a lot of, like, weird piston stuff. Piston. Piston into, you know.
And it's bananas. And if somebody can make it – Joe Bob did a thing on it. He tried to explain that it was supposed to symbolize the industrialization of Japan. But – As the – not as – oh, God. I don't even – I'm not even going to attempt it. It had to do with the internet, man. Gotcha. This is what it had to do with and like moving away from mechanics.
Getting into an internet-based culture. I can't even... I'm not even going to bother wasting your time with that. But it's a whole ass thing. It's a very ridiculous movie. I like it because... It's one of those movies that you just can't not watch, but you don't know what you're watching the whole time. And you don't want to stop. You don't want to stop. You can't look away because you're thinking something's going to happen.
He's going to get a shot and it's going to make all the machinery come out of him or something. I don't know. All right. Anyway, that's my number three. How about number two, Dusty? All right. For number two, I went with kind of a little maybe obscure here, but.
The Gravity Drive from the Event Horizon. God damn it. I thought long and hard about that. Because it's a machine. It is a machine. And it opens a gateway to hell. It does. So that's awesome. Yes. And that movie is awesome. That movie is awesome. That's why I went with that one. I thought long and hard about that. I would love to find.
a miniature gravity drive that I could put on my desk at work and just have it continuously circling. Like a magnet in there so it looks like it's spinning. Or I'll plug it in. We can run it on the... No, I know, but you've seen those...
desk art yeah yeah yeah that just have the then that floats yeah because they're magnets and stuff that would be dope yeah that would be so yeah okay we gotta we gotta find a way to make that right that's how we're gonna make our first thousand dollars right yeah replica gravity drive that's right
Right. So cool. That's a great show, man. You can tie that into Warhammer 40,000. I'm not going to bog you down with that, my friend, because nobody wants to hear it. But that's a great show. Sam Neill at his creep. Well. Not quite as creepiest, but Lawrence Fishburne. When he gets into the whole fire at zero gravity.
thing and it's so beautiful but then he describes how he watched his friend burn to death and he had to close the airlock because the fire was spreading to the rest of the ship I think that I don't know if you've ever seen the special features on that. I probably have. The ship on that was designed to basically be the cathedral at Notre Dame. Really? In space, yeah. If Nicole were here, she could break the whole thing down. She is a above and beyond event horizon...
And she's madly in love with Sam Neill, which I'll never understand. Yeah, I know. I know. That doesn't make any sense. Right on, man. Buddy, how about number two? The Robots and Screamers with Peter Weller. Oh, yeah. Wow. Haven't heard about that one in a while. Right. Those things are nasty, dude. Yeah. Yeah. They get under the sand. They go flying around. And they can animate themselves and fix themselves. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a nasty customer. Mm-hmm. Which kind of leads into mine.
number two uh have you guys ever seen a movie called hardware oh yeah i thought about that one you can you can beat off to that one i'm gonna tell you i'm sensing a uh theme in your Your horror robots. There is some serious like... Number one is Megan. Number one is the jackpot. Number one is Megan for reasons that I will not disclose.
It's a little doll I got in the bedroom. It's a terrible, horrible thing. Hardware is a post-apocalyptic movie starring Dylan... mcdermott mcdermott yeah i always get those two guys confused um pretty good show uh the idea is that like his girlfriend he's like in the army his girlfriend is a sculptor and he just brings home random junk from the battlefield and she He molds it into whatever the hell.
Well, he brings home a bunch of random junk, and some of the junk turns out to be a decommissioned battle droid. So as soon as she starts welding on it and stuff, it reactivates itself and basically just starts killing everybody, which is pretty cool. But when he first comes home on leave, he is laying it to her hard, like from in the butthole. And they make no –
Telling you, I'm putting it in your butthole. Put it in my butthole there, Billy. That's how it goes. It's been a long deployment. But then there's like a big fat guy that's like peeping on him the whole time. from like the other apartment complex he's like oh yeah hey it's me uh i'm gonna put it in your butthole too and she's like no you're not my boyfriend it's a whole thing but the battle droid is actually really cool because it doesn't like come back to life until after she
She welds a bunch of baby doll parts on it, making it extra creepy. Like an American flag skull thing going on. It's pretty dope. Check it out. It is actually a pretty cool show. That's my number two. Dusty, number one, please. Number one, tried and true T-800 Terminator. Oh, nice. I kept bouncing back and forth if I wanted that. I'm like, oh, no, I don't want it. The original, though. Arnold T-800 model. Yeah.
Cyberdyne System Model 101. Son of a bitch. Sarah O'Connor. But I like him in T1 and T2, so anyway. Did you know that he actually originally auditioned for the role of Reese? Did he? Yeah. They didn't like his accent. They didn't like his accent. Racist. But they saw his... Other assets. You're too strong to be. You know what actually got him the role? He taught himself how to disassemble and reassemble the Uzi without looking at it.
Oh. So if you watch that scene after he takes his own eyeball out and he's putting the Uzi back together and he's just kind of like up here in space. Gotcha. That's all money right there, dude. Huh. Yeah, pretty good stuff. You know, it's funny because they, you know. make Arnold, right? He's this infiltratal infiltration unit, but he's just fucking yacked, right? Yeah. So especially in the world of. That's run by the apocalyptic world run by the Terminators. Yeah.
Everybody's fucking emaciated. There's no gyms. There's no fucking gyms. Hey, you think Conan over there might be? This guy looks way too big. He is not eating the same bugs that I am. Nope. Either that's stupid. Stone Cold Steve Austin, or we got a fucking problem here, fellas. What is in that oil? Jeez Louise. But, you know. That's a good point. That's a good point. Right on, man. Dusty, or Buddy, I'm sorry, number one.
HAL 9000, 2001 Space Odyssey. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because it starts killing off everybody in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. It's always like that cold equation when the machine realizes that... everything's going to be much better without humans. And it happens, same thing in Terminator. You know what? This could be a pretty kick-ass place if it wasn't for all these people. And then we're done.
I'm probably going to catch some shit for my number one. Make him. This is not something you can beat off to. I'm going to preamble that. And you're probably going to make an argument that this is... isn't actually a machine, but I went with the Toymaker's box. No, I'd say yes. It has mechanical elements. It has gears that turn, finger catches, and things like that.
I'm a Hellraiser guy through and through. So any chance I can find a way to squeeze that into my meat hook, I certainly will. It is definitely a mechanical device. It is. It doesn't really serve any purpose other than someone. running Cenobites, of course, and other painful shit like that. But sure, I'll call it a machine for these purposes. Yeah, because it was designed as a puzzle toy, right? Yeah. It's a toy that you have to...
You know, manipulates, I would consider it. And it manipulates itself. Sometimes. So then it would be considered a machine in my mind. When was the last time you guys watched Hellraiser Bloodlines? I think I watched it probably about... I don't know, six months ago or something like that. Adam Scott in that one. Yeah. How do you, I think we talked about this the other, how do you look at him and not see Darren from Step Brothers? And now he's a necromancer in this fucking movie. Get out of here.
Hey, we were talking about that. You would have punched me in the face, don't you? Well, go ahead. Punch me in the face, Dale. All right, that was stupid. That's your meat hook for the weekend, mates. Top three horror machines. By all means, get creative with your definition of machinery. We would love to hear what you have to say. Mental health hotline is area code 775-387-0275.
or get us on the regular old email. Just go to paddedroompodcast.com and let us know what you think there. In the meantime, we've got to tell you what movies we've got to watch this week in a segment we like to call What Are You Looking At? Bitch. I'm sorry. That was rude. I didn't mean that. It wasn't towards anybody in particular. What are you looking at? Have you guys heard of a movie called Fire Island?
Nope. Streaming on Paramount Plus presently. It is a slasher movie without a single ounce of testosterone in it. Oh. If there's a dude in this movie... He's gay. If there's a chick in this movie, she's a lesbian. All right. Yeah. It's never overtly stated, but I like to think that the whole premise was that they were going to this... gay inclusive resort they never mention it as a gay inclusive resort they just go there and everybody there happens to already be gay so
We're just going to gay the place up. Okay. That's what's going on. As a slasher, it's fine. I mean, I can't... I felt like they were trying to inject a whole lot of... like, standard relationship drama into these gay couples, which is fine. Whatever, dude. But... Like, let's cut the relationship drama, gay or straight, and let's just get down to the killer. Unfortunately, by then, we're...
too invested or were supposed to be too invested in... Don't kill him. She might be cheating on her and these two aren't getting along and this guy's boyfriend committed suicide and... The sad thing is that it has the kid from Stakeland in it. Oh, yeah. I know he's a good actor, so I felt like his talents were kind of wasted in this. But when we actually find out who the slasher is and why he's killing everybody... Yes, queen. Hello. Good lord. It's pretty bad.
I watched that and I also watched Nosferatu from 2024. I like that fucking movie, dudes. That is a fucking vampire. I felt like that is a more loyal adaptation to Bram Stoker's work than... Most of the Dracula movies that I've seen. Dracula is a son of a bitch. And he's not an attractive guy. And they did a hell of a job ugling the fuck out of Bill Skarsgård in this one. That's the only kind of gripe I really had about it was I didn't particularly care for the look of Warlock.
Well, I mean, if you look at Max Schreck in the original. Right, but at least he was still vampire-esque, I guess you could say. I always thought he looked like a big penis. I'm sorry. Look at that guy. He looks like a big boner. I liked it, man. I thought it was great. Two hours plus. That's fine. Not a lot of time wasted there. A lot of like the old dark castle, the sweeping landscapes.
It takes place in Germany, so you get a lot of like an old-timey German medieval feel to it, I guess like pre-World War I era.
It stayed very true to that element of the original work, the F.W. Murnau work, not the Bram Stoker work. But I really liked it, man. I thought it was a great vampire show. It kind of felt... romantic at times because like you have this weird pact between her and orlock that takes place at the beginning so you're kind of rooting for them to sort of kind of get get it together but at the same time
she's already with this other dude so you're kind of rooting for them also but you don't know if maybe she's just fucking crazy also because there's That element, like with all of her weird spasms and her quote-unquote melancholy. Spasms. Dude. She is what we call a rainbow girl. Yeah. And she will squirt all over your face, buddy. And she will arch her back and do some things. It's... Good lord. Tetsuo, the Iron Man. That's all I got to look at, fellas. What do you guys got?
Anything, buddy? Okay, anyone? All right. I had to do a palate cleanse after that ridiculous movie we watched a couple weeks back for immersion therapy. It's kind of like... Would You Rather, but wasn't Would You Rather. Oh, Most Horrible Things? Most Horrible, yeah. With all the more gay stuff. So we watched most, or most, no. You watched it again? No, no. We watched Would You Rather. Okay.
So we watched that one. Would you say that one's better than most horrible things? By tenfold. Okay. Yes, it's much better. I agree, and it's not just because... Like, the gay stuff didn't turn me off. Eyebrow arch. I'm commenting on what is going on in the room here. What turned me off about it is that it was just kind of very watered down. I felt like...
Okay, I'm going to put these dudes through these trials, and it's going to redeem them somehow. But, like, the consequences weren't that bad. They just got asked to leave. As opposed to would you rather, you get the kendo pain sticks. Oh, man. Bro. Yeah. beatdown and Sasha Gray in that one yep and there's no getting out of that no and Jeffrey Combs Jeffrey Combs is a right
Prick. Of course. And so is his son. Yes. The Penguin. The Penguin. For fuck's sake. Yeah. That's a great show. I like that one. So we watched that one and then we started, there's a show on Paramount Plus called Happy Face. Okay. It's based on, I believe it's a book.
It's based on a true story of the happy face killer. Yeah. It's based on a book that was written by his daughter. So his daughter had, you know, obviously no idea that he was a serial killer when she was growing up and he was just dad. Right. And so he's in prison and wants to basically. He keeps trying to write her letters and things and reach out to her and her family, and she doesn't want nothing to do with him. And she works for what would...
be called like a Dr. Phil type of guy as the makeup artist. Okay. He calls her into his office and basically says, you know, this guy said he'll only talk to two people. He says he's got a ninth victim and he'll tell us where the body is, but he'll only tell me. and you and why was does he give a fuck about the makeup artist and she said well he's my father right so then then it just goes into her having to go and try to basically
Figure out where this ninth victim is. I mean, there's only two episodes in so far. It's a series. Okay. Sounds good. Yeah, I really dig it. Yeah, right on. And it's Dennis Quaid plays the happy face killer. Oh, perfect. So. Okay. Yep, it's good. I really like it. It'd be better if it was Randy Quaid, I think. Oh! I don't think he'd even have to act. Cousin Eddie's going a little cuckoo. I tell you what. Right on out. Is that all you got? That's it. Buddy? I got to check out Shining Veil.
First season of that. Oh, that's the Courtney Cox. Courtney Cox and Greg Kinnear. How is that? It's really good. It's funny. Greg Kinnear is hilarious in it. The chemistry between them both are great. Of course, she gets possessed. trying to write a book.
She gets possessed part in, part on, on and off. And they move to this place because she cheated on her husband. And so now it's a haunted place where people have been dying and stuff. And this demon needs to possess somebody. And so Courtney Cox is the one.
chosen and yeah it's really good so looking forward to watching in season two so they canceled that one i think after season two but there was such a fan outreach they made a three they made a third season yeah yeah so that's always a good sign whenever that happens
happens yeah it's great show what is that streaming on max i think max yeah max i'm gonna look into that yeah me too right on sounds good dudes well is that all you got buddy yep that's all i got all right how about some immersion therapy then yeah Immersion Therapy So, am I correct in understanding that at the end of Unwelcome... The red caps, as they're known, are like now worshipping the wife, the fiance, whatever. Because she killed. She killed the old red cap mother.
Who was the old Red Cat? The daughter. The daughter, yeah. Really? So the daughter that got stolen. Yeah. The baby that was stolen. I can't remember. The guy that showed him the house, her daughter went missing and slash died. Right. Yeah. So that was her. It was his aunt. So remember, okay, so it was the guy's aunt who passed away. Right. And she was the one that kept feeding him. Yeah. Right. She had a daughter and basically sacrificed.
As a baby, they stole her baby. Right. And to save the husband. Okay. Who ended up dying anyway. Yeah. And so then the baby in my... thought process because she asked, you're the baby, right? So she grew up to be this old woman. So the red cat mother was the stolen baby. That's why she doesn't speak very well. Okay. So then she killed her, and then they started worshiping her. Okay, you're the new god. Yeah, she's got her own little army of redcaps now. Well, there's only like six of them.
Yeah, there's more in the hole. You think so? Oh, yeah. Well, the white trash family took out three or four of them, so. But they got theirs, though. Fucking assholes. Those guys were ready for war, too. Yeah. And they had, like, armor and knives and shit. That's what I'm saying. I would like to have myself a little red cap army. Me too. They look like catfish.
Their faces? Yeah, they look like catfish. Yeah, they have big mouths. It's not a bad show. It starts off pretty heavy with that old invasion thing. You wouldn't think with that kind of a tee-off that it would go to goblins.
No, that's why I think that I enjoyed it is because I wasn't kind of expecting much out of it. I thought it was going to be a silly Gremlins-esque kind of movie. And then it starts off with that. We're like, damn, this is pretty gnarly. That's where we're taking it. And then when they start doing all this.
shit with the red... I don't know if you can call them rednecks, but the Irish bumpkin family. And I was like, good lord. That big old goober. Was that Hodor? Yeah, that was Hodor. Hodor's getting very... rapey yeah yeah i think the part where uh the guy's taking a shit he finds the wife's dildo that's so funny yeah then he leaves the fucking floater in the toilet yeah
What the fuck is wrong with these people? That's why I don't allow contractors to use my restroom. No. Ever. No. I will rent a fucking sandy hut and put it in the front, you assholes. I know where my wife's dildos are and you will not see them.
I'm going to get in trouble for that right on dudes buddy what do you got for us this week all right this week let's check out 2021's werewolves within this is about a new awkward park ranger that arrives in a small town and murder and havoc soon follow the paranoid townsfolk soon suspect each other but a devious shape-shifting werewolf becomes their prime sec prime suspect but who is it you'll find this gem on shutter
Check that shit out, inmates. We'll do the same and we can compare notes next week. Let's play Who's Your Daddy? Who is daddy? First my clues from last week. I am a young college co-ed. I would like to get out of my dorm room with my horny fucking roommate who will not stop fucking 24 seven.
I found a great place. I'm ready to go. I just need about $400 to put the down payment in. And where am I going to get it? Babysitting gig. Excellent. Show up. There's no baby. It's an old lady I have to watch. All right, no big deal. Big creepy house. I got my Walkman. I can do some playing pool and order a pizza and everything should be fine until my ride shows up to pick me up and gets her face blown off in the front seat of the car.
I am, of course, House of the Devil, ladies and gentlemen. You know it. You've seen it. It's a great show. Probably love it. Ty West, man. That's probably the best. example of a slow burn that I could come that immediately comes to mind because it starts off like 99% of the movie is just her
What's up with this family? Creepy old house, hanging around, playing pool. Very risky business montage with her sliding around and dancing and doing all that shit. And then out of nowhere, last 10, 20 minutes. satanic panic here we go all right who might i be this week you ask well i work for vice.com You guys familiar with that at all? Is that a porn site? It probably is now.
I've got a very cool idea for a story. I'm a journalist, and I've got a very cool idea for a story. My sister is a recovering addict, and she went to this bizarro... I got a compound, I guess, somewhere in very, very, very, very rural Louisiana. So she invited me to come down and check the place out. I got special permission to bring my camera crew. We're going to go down there. We're going to do a story.
Check the place out. See what's going on. She is just in love with this place. And from what I can gather, she's no longer using smack. So that's a plus. Why don't I go down there? Maybe they found a miracle cure for drug addiction. Why don't I go? down there and check it out. Everything was going swimmingly until somebody passed me a note that said, get us the fuck out of here right now. And then...
Nothing good happened from there, my friends. Who might I be, you ask? Tune in next week, and I will drop some knowledge on you. In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for us. You guys got anything else on the week? Nope. All righty. Well, then, that was Bela Lugosi month, ladies and gentlemen. Join us next week as we kick off A.J. Bowen month here in the Padded Room.
It's about to go down, bros. That's right. We're going to start it off with The Old Ways from 2020. Streaming on Netflix. You've probably already seen it. Hell of a show. You're going to love it. Like, comment, subscribe wherever you found this show. You're going to... You're going to help our visibility quite a bit. Go to paddedroompodcast.com. Check out all the fun stuff over there. We got links and Patreon links.
prize swag and contests and pictures of me superimposed on black men's penises you're gonna find that to be very amusing i don't but that's fine um other than that i think that's about going to do it for us For vampires, as ugly as they can get or as suave as they can get. Bela Lugosi, we love him, we miss him. He was actually buried in his Dracula...
Did you guys know that? That is awesome. Yeah. Forest Lawn Cemetery, Los Angeles, California. I actually visited his grave once. John Carpenter, very good, who is finally getting his walk on the... Hollywood Walk of... Or his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Fucking old timey serials. I'm sure they're good if you watch them like in the order that they go and...
like, the way they're supposed to be watched, but when you try to binge watch it, it doesn't make any fucking sense. And the Padded Room Podcast. I'm afraid visiting hours are over. Bye, and have a great week.