The Padded Room Podcast Ep,658 (Pandorum)

I can hear myself in my head now. Radio is on the air, you silly bastards. My name is Darian. I am the leading cause of vaginal dryness in women 18 to 25. I am not alone tonight, inmates. All the way from deep down. In the annals, in the annals of your mom's basement, here comes Dusty. How you doing? What's going on, Dusty? Oh, nothing, brother. It's good to have you here making your padded room debut. All right.

I'm glad to be here. Thanks for having me. I got to tell you, you're not really wowing me so far. I'm going to need to see some energy from you. All right. I'll take it up a notch. Let me slam this coffee right here. Did you put double espresso in here? We can put a little something in there for you. What's going on, man? How you been? Good. How about you? I've been good. Are you enjoying?

Enjoying the Christmas season? I am. It's always a bummer when the Halloween spooky season is over. I agree. You get that layover there, and then the kids like the Christmas thing. I think once the kids are... gone and away from us, I think Christmas will be less fun, if you will. It's going to be so boring, dude. It's going to be so boring. What the fuck are we going to do? I don't know.

You're going to watch the Hallmark Channel all day? No. Feel sorry for yourself? No. No, you're going to get hammered on eggnog and vomit and probably get the... Yes. Like nog squirts. Yep. It's going to be disgusting. I already feel sorry for myself. Yep. Oh, it's a pain in the ass, dude. I smashed the living fuck out of my thumb putting up Christmas lights.

You griswolded yourself. I did, dude. I did. It was bad, man. Well, I got one of those scaffolding ladders, you know, that you crank them and then you pull them and you lock them. You think you lock them into place, right? You hear the snap and the... twist and the okay i'm ready to climb on up there and then the fucking thing just slides right back like down two rungs and your thumb goes and then you're bleeding and you're scaring the kids and you're yelling and cussing and

Neighbors are ready to call the cops because they think that you're going to assault your own children. Genius, man. I love Christmas. So you really did Griswold yourself. Oh, yeah. You slid the ladder down, you know. Luckily, Cousin Eddie didn't show up. You might have been a little bit of relief. That's right. Right on, man. Well, it's good to have you here in the padded room. We got the usual shit show to get to here, inmates. We got listener mail. We got horror news.

We've got all kinds of fun things happening. I say we start things off with a little horror news there, Dusty. Yes, sir. Horror news. You got anything for us there, fella? Yeah, I looked a few things up in preparation. You know, I like to prepare for the show. I've been told that, yes. And other things in life. Of course, yeah.

So I looked up or I got something here. It says the new Evil Dead movie gets official title and release date. Yes. Release window, I should say. And I'm going to butcher the hell out of this name. Sebastian Venisex. New Evil Dead movie. Officially has a name and release date, according to the filmmaker, on a recent post on social media. So he says that the Evil Dead, the title of the movie is Evil Dead Burn. I like it.

And basically, he was going on to state that the script notes that is based on Sam Raimi's iconic film series, Evil Dead. And then he confirms that the movie was... set to release sometime in 2026. Basically, he says that earlier this year, the film would be nasty, and he hopes, and his hope is to make audiences come away from the film feeling...

Tested. Love it. I love the sound of it. It sounds great. It sounds badass. Rated in for nasty. For nasty. Yes. So this is the same guy that did Evil Dead Rise. Is it? Yes. Okay. And I'm excited for this. I don't know how or if or what kind of tie-ins we're going to be looking at. Hopefully we can get Uncle Bruce involved somehow. Yes. Some way. I'm into it, dude.

I'm excited. I can't think of an Evil Dead movie that I didn't like. You know what I'm saying? No, I agree with you. Yeah. They all have been rewatchable. I think that's how I kind of gauge a movie that I like or dislike. Because I'm... I'm not as critical as... You and Mr. Harrell, our good friend. Inmates, I'd like you to know that when he said the word critical, his left eyebrow came up just a notch. I'm not critical. That's how I know he's serious. I'm a lot more forgiving than you.

filmmaker studious types, I guess. Oh, that ain't us. I don't know. Well, maybe Jason, but not me. I'm just, I sit there and watch it and if it keeps my attention and I don't fall asleep and it entertains me for an hour or two, then. Sure. I'm usually pretty good with it. I'm into it. I'm the same way, man. If I can manage to make it to the end credits without looking at my phone or needing a pause or just...

You lose an interest in walking away. And I'm in. I'm already in. I'm into another Evil Dead movie. Yep. Got anything else, big guy? Yeah, I got a couple more. So the 28 Years Later trailer dropped, I think, today. Yep. Oh, did I take one of yours? Yeah, you took two. Oh, son of a bitch. Well, I'm making a good impression. Yeah, you're fired already. You're fired. Get the fuck out of here.

What did we make it? Five minutes before I started? Almost. Seven minutes and 50 seconds. Well done. That's better than my first job. So the trailer dropped for the upcoming movie. Basically... Let's see here. Cillian Murphy is returning. They don't know what capacity he will be in it. But Aaron Taylor Johnson from Godzilla and Marvel. And he's the new Craven. Yes. More nerd talk. I know. I am from the basement. He's a bad motherfucker, that Aaron Taylor guy. I like that guy.

um so let's see britain is 28 years into this terrible plague of infected people who are violent rabid humans with a few pockets of unaffected communities and it centers on a young boy who wants to find a doctor to help his dying mother. He leads his mother through this beautiful northern English terrain, but of course, around them, hiding in forests and hills and woods, are the infected. But he finds a doctor who is a man who might think...

or we might think is going to be weird and odd, but actually is a force for good. So that's basically the synopsis of it. And they're also talking about... This forthcoming sequel is the first film in a new trilogy. Okay. So it looks like they're moving forward with more movies in the franchise. I like those 28 movies. Yeah, I do too.

And basically, the next one in the series, it says they were shot back-to-back with the second film in the series. Oh, nice. So, anyway, and it's directed by Candyman and the Marvel's Nia DaCosta. A release date for that movie has not yet been announced. I mean, it's kind of hard to fuck up a zombie apocalypse movie. Right. Did you see the new Candyman? I have not. It's very...

Not us. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to say anything, but I just chose to abstain. Well, I'll say it for you. It's very woke. I will say it's a good movie. I just don't like what she did with the Candyman history and the mythos. Yes. She kind of twisted that. really went sjw on us there with the whole thing um but up to that point i thought it was a pretty good show it looked great it was very violent um

I'm going to check this out, this 28 years later. Oh, yeah, I'm excited. Maybe she can redeem herself, yeah. I'm excited about it for sure. I'm into it. And then lastly, this is kind of piggybacking off of something you had mentioned a few weeks back, but Nosferatu, the new movie coming out on Christmas, they have a sarcophagus. Bed replica. Now on sale. Uh-huh.

And I took another one. You son of a bitch. Well, I'm just fucking the fire on all cylinders right now, aren't I? Hey, you're making my job easier. Yeah, but you'd probably deliver the exposition better than I would. No, no, no, no, no.

So I was going to ask you if you could guess at the price tag on these things. I already know it. And you know it. So I'm not even going to go down that road because I'd be gratuitous and repetitive. It is a lot. It is quite a bit. Did you see pictures? I did. I'm looking at them right now. It doesn't even look comfortable.

It's horrible, man. It's some rich goth asshole is going to buy it and put some strippers in goth lingerie in there and just make him climb out of it on a daily basis and service him. Why can't I be that asshole? And I'm thinking, I'm talking myself, and this doesn't sound like a bad thing. I can do it. I'm sure somebody will finance us. Okay. Start a GoFundMe account for a sarcophagus. We'll split it, but you can be at my house.

Well, we're going to put it on a flatbed truck, and then we'll go back and forth with it. It's not coming off the truck. Oh, so they've got to go outside? To the truck, and then climb out. I know it's cold, honey. Just get back in there. So I think we haven't said it, but the price tag on this bad boy is $20,000.

It looks cool. It does look cool. I will say that. It doesn't look like something anybody's actually going to see. You're going to get a lot of ass. That's what I'm saying. You walk a girl. A nerdy rich fella, right? Trent Reznor. Yes. Already has three of them. You walk a girl into the room and say, look at my sarcophagus. You got some typo negative playing in the background. There you go. A little black number five. Black number one.

Probably 160 pounds tops. Very well shaved, manscaped, you know. You're already complaining about your parents. They just don't get it, man. You know, they don't understand me. But you, you, I can see it. You, you get me. Okay, babe. Come on. Let me take you back to my final resting place. Oh, God. I just talked myself out of my panties.

You got me too, buddy. Oh, God damn it, man. I got to move away from the table. That all you got, dude? That's all I got. Oh, good. I'm dumb shitting on your night. I can speak now. That's okay. You fucking asshole. Alien Romulus and The Substance have both been nominated for Golden Globes.

I know you've seen Alien Romulus. I've seen The Substance. Oh, you saw The Substance. Oh, yeah. What'd you think? The Red Queen and I watched it. It is fucking bananas. Yeah? Good bananas or bad bananas? And I'm not just talking about Naked Demi Moore. Well, the other one is... I heard she's pretty bananas, too. Bit of all right, yeah. Okay. But no, the movie in general is very entertaining, and I'd watch it again in a heartbeat. It's...

It's good. I will say it's good. I don't want to say anything, obviously, because it's fairly new, but it kind of devolves into a... Gwar concert towards the end there. From everything I've heard, it sounds very much like a Clayface origin story. Yeah, the practical effects are just... Freaking awesome. Nice. It's very, very good, kind of old school-ish, 80s type whore, but with fantastic...

Practical sex. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. Okay. I'll have to check that. Maybe we'll make that tonight's immersion therapy. Yeah, and you can watch it for free on a Mubi. Free trial of a week. Okay. So as long as you get the free trial, watch it, cancel the shit, you don't have to pay for it. The fuck is Mubi? I have no idea. It's an Amazon channel. Okay. Or Amazon. I don't know. Amazon's got everything locked up. It's true. You can get anything on Amazon. Shudder.

But I'm not even talking channels. Yeah, exactly. Shudder. Yeah, all the channels and shit. Yeah, right there on Amazon. So it's an Amazon deal. All right. That's going to be our immersion therapy. Go to your prime and get Mubi for a week. Did you check out the rest of Mubi? I did not. Okay, well. There might be some good shit on there. Might be. I don't know. I wonder what they're going for.

Probably another $12 a month. I seem to recall $6.99-ish or something like that. Yeah, I'm getting $6.99 to death right about now. Yeah, me too. All the $6.99s add up to more than I was paying for fucking cable. Yeah, you might as well just get cable back. Might as well. I know what you did last summer. Sequel already in production. I don't know what we're doing here, Dusty. I think what we're probably going to see is...

The kids of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ryan Felipe, and Freddie Prinze Jr. being fucked with by a guy in a raincoat. Possibly. That's what I'm leaning towards. Because they said it's not a reimagining or a redo. It is a sequel. So... Does anybody care anymore? I mean... See, this is what happens, bro. Scream 6 comes out. All the Scream nerds go flocking to see it. Makes a bazillion dollars. And now we're getting another I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Hey, jump on the bandwagon. I shouldn't complain. Hey, Scream did better. We had our own 90s movie. Let's just jump right back on. Let's just kick them out. Let's make another one. Let's just kick them. We're going to get another Urban Legend movie, too, I bet. I guarantee you. And another, probably bring the Noxzema girl back. Yeah, Final Destination will be out. That's coming out.

Yep, here they come, dude. Here they come. It's going to be like another Bukkake of 90s sequels. Hey, somebody go call Jennifer Love Who and see if she's got anything going on. Nope. Nope. Does she still look good? Yeah, no, no. Serviceable. Right on, dude. That's all we got on the horror news. I think it's time for some listener mail, amigo. You gonna make it there, fella? Yeah. I know you get choked up about listener mail. My favorite part.

Listener mail. Yes, sir. No emails this week. We do have a couple of voicemails coming at us, though. Dusty, I'm going to introduce you to the main man in Alabama. Here comes Alan. Howdy-do, Alan. What's happening, man? Paradome, give me the wolf man. Yeah, I figured that. Mr. Darien, are you deadly friend? You got me. Finally, cemetery man. What do you think?

Love that movie. Best set of breasts. A lot of people said he knows some of the best tips in horror. It's true, man. That's about it. Talk to y'all later. Bye. Beautiful. Thanks for calling in, Alan. Have you seen Cemetery Man, Dusty? Yes, but I haven't seen it in quite a long time. Oh, the... I do remember the tits. Those are ingrained in the old spank bank. Italian genetics at its finest right there.

Right on, Alan. Thanks for calling in. Here comes, all the way from Southern California, Mr. Tom Hardy. Hey-o! Hey-o, padded room. How's my... What's happening, big fella? I do hope everyone is doing well. I'm tired. As far as our special guest this week. Could it be? I noticed Jason couldn't be there to talk. redneck zombies with you last week so you had larry the cable guy that was larry that was it was larry the cable guy yes yeah absolutely well

You know, I'm not sure who I think these special guests might be, but I will just say that, you know, my restraining order is set to expire next year. You know, fingers crossed. Bring it on up here, fella. Let me just get into the regular fucking bullshit there. What do we got? Oh, on the Educating Department. Come on now. Deadly Friends. You got me. I haven't seen that flick forever. Is that one worth seeing again? Yeah, that's kind of silly.

I believe it's Deadly Friends. You are correct, sir. As far as the terror dome there, we got the werewolf against Jigsaw. Yes, sir. You know, I want to go with the werewolf. You're going to talk yourself out of it. This time I will go with Jigsaw just because of the scenario that you painted the story with. Oh, well, thank you very much. I think Jigsaw is going to...

people to have enough to keep the wolf down. Okay. Yeah, I got nothing more than that. As far as the what are you looking at department, I did catch a couple of things. What you got? We finished up Faith Motel. Not bad, man. I enjoyed it. I thought it was fun. All in all, I thought it was a pretty good series. It kind of...

I think it kind of dragged towards the end there, and I was kind of ready for it to be done, I guess. So, good job on their part not overstaying their welcome too much. Five seasons? After that, you know, I was like, well... Now the family's got to, they've seen this, they've got to see the original, you know. Okay. So we re-watched Psycho. Always loved that flick. Classic. That's what it gets to that. In my eyes, I mean, it's a very, you know, slow-paced film.

But it's never boring. And I think that's just, that's such a fucking art, you know, of those, I guess that era of movies, you know. Mm-hmm. I was at 1960, but even the 70s, you know, they have some very slow-paced films, but when they can do it to where it's not boring, oh, fucking great shit. I agree. Then I got to catch this movie, Hilarious. I started that, yeah. That's about as funny as it fucking got. When I was looking at it, it said like, oh, you know, these shorts by these...

great filmmakers or whatever. Yeah, I didn't recognize any of the names. It's kind of a short flick, and I can pop in and out, you know, just watch one or two of these. Yeah. Ah, it wasn't that good, man. Yeah, no. Compilation, I don't know, five, six... It's a short. It's supposed to be a horror comedy. GP'd. You knew it was going to happen. Always does. That's a bummer. I started hilarious.

And I think I got about 10 minutes in and I was like, this is some adolescent. Now, I mean, I'm not the most mature individual to begin with, but this is just fucking dumb. Just garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen a movie called Chillerama? Chillerama. It's another horror comedy anthology. I have none. Just the dumbest fucking shit ever. One of the stories is about a giant jizz ball that is smashing through a city.

Another one's about a were-bear. A were-bear. Not a guy that turns into a bear. A guy that turns into a bigger gay guy. Oh, that kind of a bear. That kind of a bear, yeah. It's very stupid. Very stupid. Grow up, you motherfuckers. Goddamn. Hey, if horror fans can't be mature about things, then get out of here. Have some self-respect, will you? Giant jizz ball. He got GP'd, but he called back. Tom Hardy again? Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah.

As I was saying, man, I'd say I'd recommend against it. These aren't even like filmmakers you've ever fucking heard of. I don't know where they came up with bullshit. Probably trying to sell me on some shit. Anyway, yeah, so recommend stay away from that. Then you were talking last week about that movie Sisk. Yes. And I remembered, oh, fuck, I wanted to catch that flick, and then I just somehow got distracted and forgot about it. So I did catch sick. Yeah, what do you think? First time viewing.

saw it with, you know, the writer, director, or I'm sorry, the writer of Scream, Kevin Williams. I was like, all right. That was a pretty good one, man. I thought, all in all, pretty good flick. I was not mad at that. Yeah. And then fucking just dip my toes back into Lord of Illusions. Okay. I fucking love that flick. I don't know why. I know people talk shit about, oh, the CGI is so fucked. It's so true. and yeah it's it's vain grid cgi but i don't know i love the story i love the characters um

Yeah, that's one I can go back and watch fucking all the time. That's a good show. Anyway, I've been droning on long enough. Don't fall as well. Love you like family. Bye now. Love you too, Tom Hardy. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Dusty, have you seen Lord of Illusion? Oh yeah. Scott Bakula, dude. I don't... There's a fucking...

There's a Clive Barker short story. I believe it is called Lord of Illusion. Isn't it in the Books of Blood? I'm pretty sure. It was its own thing. No, if it's the one that I'm thinking of, it got tacked on to the end of Cabal, which is... The one that Nightbreed is based off of. But it really has nothing to do with that movie at all. Oh, the movie doesn't follow the story?

written work is nothing to do... The movie's not anything to do with written work. Correct. I'm thinking, though, maybe there's like a different... Like one of the stories in the Books of Blood was a closer adaptation. That's what I'm... Because I've... I'm a bit of a... A literature nerdish myself. Oh, look at you. Mr. Fancy Pants over here. And if Mr. Harold was sitting here, he's a fucking nerd, wants to read. No, Jason, I don't read. I can hear him saying it right now. You fucking nerd.

Listen to these faggots over there with their reading. No, I don't read. I listen to audiobooks because I have quite the long commute to work. So do I. I listen to a lot of fucking stuff. The one at the end of Cabal, though, involved a famous magician, but... you found out that he had escaped from hell. He was like a demon and he had escaped from hell and hell sent all these other demons to go get him and bring him back.

That doesn't really have a whole lot to do with Lord of Illusions. No. So, I don't know. It's still a good show. It's very Clive Barker. Oh, yeah. Lots of weird stuff. It has a very Clive Barker 90s feel. to it you know so it's a closeted homo yeah kind of a thing which is fine but yeah you know that sort of a thing right on dude that's all we got on the listener mail you got anything for alan or tom hardy Nope. Thank you for calling in. Yeah, and I did watch Sick.

Oh, yeah. With the Red Queen. You've seen it, haven't you? I've seen it. Yeah, yeah. What'd you think? We watched it during the middle of the pandemic. Oh, yeah. Everybody's losing their fucking shit. Yeah. I thought it was great. Me too. In terms of the...

Trying to get in the flagging the lady down in the car. Yeah. And somebody's chasing us. You've got to help us. She's like, do you have a mask? Social distance. Do you have a mask? You need to put a mask on. You're going to kill me. No social distance. Fuck you, ladies. that's gonna kill me you need to put a mask on yeah no no i love it oh yeah yeah no that that that movie i feel like hit at the exact right oh yeah it was

If I remember right, it came out like mid-2021 just as we were starting to wind down from all that horse shit. Yes. And like the opening scene when the chick gets in the car and she tells the driver to put the mask on because she has a grandfather. that's immunocompromised. Okay, you fucking clowns. I hope you all die a miserable death. I can't believe we lived through that horse. I know, man. People lost their fucking minds. Idiots.

All right, dude. Well, let's just jump right into a movie, shall we? Yep. Let's do that. Where's the rest of the crew? I don't really know, sir. They didn't seem human. They're fast. I'm stronger than you know. They come after you if you run. If you run and you don't look back. Help! what's happened to us we're becoming like them oh my god my wife i'm gonna find her before those animals do

I'm assuming that help will be coming. Is that your blood? Some of it is. What happened to the passenger? Is there something wrong with him? How do you think you would react if you knew the truth? That's Pandorum, Dusty. 2009. This one got 6.7 stars on IMDb. That's pretty good. Directed by Christian Alvart and written by Travis Malloy. It stars Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, and Kim...

Gigandit. Gigandit. Gigandit. Gigandit. I'm going to go gigandit. Okay. Yeah, dude. I know you're not. I know you're a Star Wars guy there, fella. That's fine. I'm not judging you for that. But this movie is much, I would say, closer to the Warhammer 40,000 universe. And now keep your panties on, ladies. I know it's getting a little moist in here, but...

There's some similarities that I'm going to break down for you. We are in the year 2753, inmates. And I'm going to tell you what we need to do right now, Dusty. Open up a glow stick manufacturing plant. That's the only source of light they have. Dude, we're going to be making money. Millions. Printing money.

Boom. They still have glow sticks in 2753. And they need them. Yeah. The technology has not changed. They've gotten bigger. Oh, yeah. But you've still got to crack them. And they come in fun colors. So you could get the raves going. The blues and the yellows. Or when your spaceship crashes and the power goes out, you can use them to stay away from the scary dudes.

So we are in the year 2753 on the starship Elysium. Now, what's going on here? We're going to open up with a bunch of very picturesque flashbacks. A lot of hot chick laying around. in the sheets uh and giving you the fuck me eyes which is great and then somebody's gonna wake up and then boom here we are we're on the starship elysium uh we got a guy coming out of a cryo chamber

Now, for those of you that don't know, deep space travel is, you know, something you can do, but it takes a very long time. So they basically have to put your ass to sleep for months, maybe even years at a time. We already knew this. We've seen aliens. This is just how it goes down, Dusty. The cool thing, though, is they put you in these fun coffin things. I don't know why. I don't know why you can't just do it in your bed.

I don't know. Probably get bed sores, right? Here's my question about the cryo chamber, hypersleep, whatever it is. You know, I am the authority. Yeah, I figured. You know, you've watched that. Absolutely. Sure. Why does one's beard and fingernails not grow to just... Full length? Yeah. You come out looking like Rip Van Winkle kind of thing. That's a valid question. He was shaving. Yeah.

With a very cool laser razor. Razor. I need one of those. That's what we need to make. This is not for fashion purposes. This is laziness. Yeah. Yeah, me too. The beard. I just... Don't care to shave. No, I do it maybe once every couple weeks or so. Yeah. When my wife tells me to, that's when I shave. You're getting prickly. You're getting prickly. All right. God. This thing stinks.

No, but out comes Ben Foster from one of these cryo chambers, and he's all confused and scared and what the hell's going on. it's dark as shit in this place and he uh apparently when you come out of these things it takes you a minute to to fucking snap out of it and for like a good little while here you don't remember who you are where you where you are what the hell's going on you're just

A dude that popped out of a coffin. The only thing you have to go off is your Nazi prison camp tattoo. Yeah, you got an Auschwitz tattoo, which is, hey, that's problematic. Yes. You know what I'm saying? You might. Not supposed to be here? Wait a minute. What year is it? When did I fall asleep? I don't think I was. Am I circumcised? I don't know. Okay. Okay. I think I'm good or I don't know.

He's all confused. He's walking around. He's got, as Dusty alluded to, a very neatly trimmed beard. And his hair is... Fairly well kept. So we're not going to ask these questions. Just going to roll with it. Yeah. Did I call you buddy a minute ago? I don't know. Maybe you said buddy like in pal as in friend. Hey, buddy. That's the problem with having a friend named Buddy. Yes. You can't fucking...

All right, whatever. Anyway, he's walking around. He's all confused. It's dark as shit in this place. He does find the glow stick, though. He cracks that son of a bitch. And... Because we saw this flashback and we saw a big sweeping... panoramic view of the starship Elysium at the beginning, we got a pretty good idea that he's on a spaceship. And for whatever reason, he's the only one that popped out of the cryo coffin. Something has probably gone afoul here, Dusty.

He's walking around. Eventually, he spots his Auschwitz tattoo, and he understands what it means. He is not actually a Jewish prisoner in a concentration camp. So let me put your mind at ease there. Yes, it was... Concerning at first? It was problematic. Yes. You know? Then you'd realize that it's his barcode scanner. Yes. Very insensitive. That's just efficiency. But what it is, though, is it's apparently a denotation of his unit, his...

Team Wave or something like that? Yeah, which flight group he was in. Flight group is what it is. Slowly, as things start to come back to him, he remembers. He is Corporal Bowers, and he is a... engineer on the starship Elysium and he was supposed to be woken up by the he's on team five he was supposed to be woken up by team four so that they could get in the cryo coffins and him and his team could take over running the ship while they slept it off

For 15, 20 years. Okay. Cool. Fair enough. But obviously something went wrong here. Because he's the only one out. Nobody woke him up. What the hell is he doing? Nobody knows. Scary shit. He finds his lieutenant, the guy in charge of him, and he starts beating on his coffin, trying to wake him up. Eventually, he gets the son of a bitch open and out pops Dennis Quaid. The poor man's Jack Nicholson.

I would say. Younger. Maybe even more handsome than Jack Nicholson. Oh, by far. But he's still very similar in his acting style. Now his brother Randy, though. He is the best. I don't know why he hasn't run for office. I don't know. Have you seen him lately? He's crazy. He's bat-shit crazy, and he weighs 600 pounds. But I would still vote for Cousin Eddie any day of the week. Any day of the week. Real nice.

We watched that last night. Oh, it's on my list every year. Christmas Vacation. It's the best. It's the best. Gets him out. He's all fucked up and disoriented, too. Eventually, they kind of... start piecing things together okay something's radically fucked up here because nobody is awake running this goddamn ship and it's completely dark and i don't know what the hell's going on so we got to figure it out

They crack some more glow sticks. They kind of walk around for a few minutes, get some clothes on. Tidy-whities. Still in, in 2753. I think it's efficient to not have many clothes. But what was the... The skin? The exoskin or the melting that they had to go through when they came out. Well, what you want to do before you go in the cryo chamber is cover yourself in Elmer's glue.

That's what I love. So when you get bored in the crowd. Start peeling it off. Peel that off like you're in the fifth grade again. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Making those fun. Dip your fingers in. Oh, I can't wait until it dries. I'm going to peel it off. Yeah, let me get that all over there. That's going to take me about 45 minutes.

Yeah, it's kind of weird, but they try to get to the main hold. They kind of get through there. Now they're starting to realize something is seriously fucked up because they're seeing like... damages around the ship like something like maybe there was a fist fight in here there's a bunch of damage on the that door they kept trying to go through is the door to the flight deck yes there was

Like someone, I don't know, scratches a beating on it. Obviously someone's trying to get in there. Yeah, or out. Or out, I don't know. But yeah, they're trying to get to the main bridge of the ship, and it's barricaded and like sealed shut. So... we have got to get in there so that we can at least find out where we're at and get the ship at least pointed in the right direction. Now, at this point, the ship itself starts to vibrate.

Like a power surge. Yeah, it's just like it starts like in weird intermittent intervals. It'll just start shaking real bad. And Bauer, our engineer, is like, okay, I know what that is. It's the reactor core. Yeah, he's a reactor engineer. Yes. And he's like, what I can do, it's trying to reboot itself is what it's doing. If I can get to the reactor, I can do a manual reboot on it.

And then we can get the systems up and running again. Okay, excellent. Let's figure on doing that. Problem is we're stuck in this cargo hold and we can't get out. So they get very John McClane with it, and they get into the air conditioning ducts with all the...

The tendrils and the fucking tubing. Lieutenant pulled rank and sent the other guy up. Fuck yeah, I'm not going in there. You go in there. You said you know how to restart the thing anyway. I can't do that shit. Get your ass up there. I'll sit here and hold down the floor.

the screen yeah i'm gonna my job is to look at the screen i'm gonna sit right here and i'll wait for you now be quick about it yeah let's go uh they get him up there he gets to you know john mcleaning through the air conditioning ducts eventually he pops down and uh into like i don't know the way this movie is shot is actually very cool because all throughout the movie i'm just getting this feeling of like a gothic castle

Like it's just these long hallways that open up into these big ballroom type situations. And then more with the hallways. And it's very disorienting, but it's very dark. And it's very gothic, I felt like. He gets out there. He's snooping and pooping around through the hallways. Eventually, he comes across Norman Reedus.

Well, he fell first. Remember that? Oh, yeah. He comes crashing down. He comes crashing down onto his face. Yeah. And then there's Norman Reedus. There he is. Daryl Dixon himself. Dusty. Yes. If we were a comic book. Would Norman Reedus? Now you're fired. Get out. I'm going to see myself out. I'm going to fire myself from my own podcast. I've been saving that joke all week for this exact moment, my friend.

I love it. No, he's there and he's just like, he's like laying on the floor and he's all fucked up. So Bowers tries to wait. He's hanging from the ceiling. Reedus was? Yeah. Oh, that's right. He was. Yeah. Cuts him down and then that kind of wakes him up. He's like, oh my God, we got to go. We got to go. They're coming. They're coming. He's like, what the hell are you talking about? And he's in the meantime, Bowers is talking to the Lieutenant Peyton, Dennis Quaid back at the.

cargo hold yeah whatever it was he's like hey we gotta get to the reactor core you gotta take us there so I can restart this thing before the ship falls apart And he's like, no, no, no, we can't go there. They're all down there. You can't go there. And then he tries to pull rank on them. He's like, that's an order from a commanding officer. And he's like, fuck that.

And then he starts putting goop all over his face. He's like, if we can throw him off our scent, and if we go this way and that way. So he freaks right out and just goes hauling ass. In the meantime, Bowers is there going, what the fuck? This guy, what is he, crazy? So now we're going to start getting some mentions of what may have happened. Something happens apparently or can happen apparently when you come out of your cryo coffin too fast. Something called Pandorum.

which is basically, I would call it like... The bends in a weird way. Yeah, like space psychosis kind of thing. You start thinking everybody's coming for you or paranoia. It starts with like your hands start shaking and then you get like real aggressive and then like. Paranoia sets in and then you become violent. It's kind of tantamount to what happens to divers when they come up or down too fast, except I don't think any of them actually go homicidal.

That should be a horror movie right there. Yeah. Homicidal submarine guy. Anyway. He's thinking, oh, Norman Reedus just has Pandorum. He's going to go somewhere and freak right out. Better I just let him go and I'll be on my way. But we're going to hang out with Norman Reedus here for a little bit. Now we're going to see...

Fucking dudes or things or something like taking off after Norman Reedus. Like we don't see them just yet, but we got like shadows darting in and out of the weird walkways and stuff. Eventually, they catch up to Norman. He takes off running as fast as he can. They all go chasing him, and now we're going to see what these things actually look like. Now, again, we're going to go to Warhammer 40,000 land here, Dusty.

Any of you who know what I'm talking about, the name Gene Stealers comes to mind. That's exactly what these things are. They're like human-alien hybrids. I'll spare you the dork talk. I could do a deep dive here, but I'm not going to. gonna because i want to keep this show to under an hour and 49 minutes but they look very much like gene stealers um cannibals obviously um

They are very strong and very fast, and they have a very alien-like appearance, but still humanoid in their basic shape. They have elongated heads and these big, beady black eyes. The eyes are far apart. Yeah. body modification shit kind of... you know, cinnabitish kind of cut off their own nose. The leader guy. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. All fucked up. Yeah. All kinds of jacked off. And, uh, they have like weird, crudely made weapons, like spears and shit. So, uh,

Off goes Norman Reedus. He falls. He ends up hanging upside down again, and this time they just start cutting his guts out. They catch up to him, cut his guts out, and start eating him, and that's the end of Daryl Dixon. Lasted all five minutes. The hanging dead. Is what it is. He ain't walking nowhere, dude. He was hanging when they found him. Hanging when they got him. At least he got a few minutes to try to run. So that fucking sucks.

He's out, but in the meantime, because like, what's his name? Bowers took off after him. Somebody else jumped out and grabbed Bowers and like, no, don't follow him. And then that's when he like kind of escaped. Now this new character we're going to meet is a very attractive young lady. And she goes by the name of Nadia.

She is like the rogue of the group. She's just going to be like, hey, don't go over there. Don't follow him. He's about to get killed. And then he's like, well, I have to try to help him. He's my shipmate. We got to go. And then Nadia like disappears. holds Bowers back enough to where he's not noticed by the Gene Steelers, but he does manage to follow them and see them rip open Norman Reedus. So now he's like, oh, who the fuck...

These fucking guys. Oh, shit. I got a ship full of assholes here that are trying to eat me all of a sudden. But there is one really hot chick in a push-up bra and a wife beater. And in a oily, kind of a funky... Always. Oily. I love it. I love it, man. The push-up bra. The dingy wife beater. She looks like something out of Cyberpunk 2077. Very flippy. Yes. Lots of kickflips. Lots of flips. Very... Selene from Underworld kind of a thing going on, which is cool. I'm down with that.

But she disappears for a while. In the meantime, he's going to continue making his way to the reactor core. The shaking of the ship now is becoming more regular and more violent. This is becoming a problem. Now, about this time, we're going to cut back to old Lieutenant Payton up on the deck. For the most part, he's not doing a whole lot of anything except continuing to hit that door with a crowbar periodically, mostly just sitting there looking at it.

But he's now starting to experience weird shit on the deck there because he's getting a lot of weird sounds coming from the air conditioner or whatever the hell duct thing that he climbed out of. He's getting a lot of weird sounds and he's... Starting to get a little shaky there, Dusty. This guy, what is he doing? Hey, what's that over there? I don't know. Things happen. Now he's putting his head in his hands and he's like...

Like he's coming apart a little bit. Or at least he's getting nervous about it. But at this point, they're still in contact. And Bowers radioed back to Peyton about the weird... guys with all the fucking body mods and how they just killed Norman Reedus. And he's like,

I don't know, man. Maybe some other people got out and they're kind of, you know, doing what they have to do to survive or something. Or maybe they have Pandorum too and now they're super aggressive. Either way, just stay away from them. Get yourself to the reactor core. Okay, cool. While he's still making his way there, Peyton, Lieutenant Peyton, is like going through the ship's logs trying to figure out what happened.

intermittent with that he's having flashbacks of his own and he remembers like going into the cryopod all of a sudden he I could be way off on this, but he thinks he has a wife in one of the other cryopods. And he's telling Bowers to try to find her, to rescue her. They were kind of talking about that because Bowers is wanting to find his wife. Right. I don't know if it's his wife or his...

Lady friend. The chick, yeah. The chick that was from his dream. Yeah. And he's thinking to himself, he's starting to remember, he's basically saying that we're the flight crew, our family members are with us on the ship, but they're just somewhere else. Right.

So then Peyton is telling him, and he wants to find his wife. Bowers does. Yeah. And Peyton's telling him, you've got to fix the reactor. Right. So then we can go find our wives. We'll find them later, basically fix the ship, then we'll go find them kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. So that's the plan. Yeah.

Solid plan at this point anyway. Eventually, somebody's going to jump down and start kicking the shit out of Peyton. Luckily, it's not one of our friends from the Body Mod people. Or not Peyton Bowers. This guy is just a... Hawaiian? Polynesian, I'd say? Yeah. He doesn't speak a lick of English, but...

Man, he can knock the fuck out of somebody. He's been out. He's obviously part of the crew also. And he's been awake for a while surviving with these fucking freakos running around. He's got scars and stuff all over. It's like he's been awake for a while. Yeah, yeah.

Mad Maxing it for a while. Totally. And he's got like a big spear halberd looking thing. And he's knocking the fuck out of people. Eventually, Bowers manages to calm his ass down. But he doesn't speak English. So they kind of have to. go back and forth we find out that this guy is actually an agriculturalist and somehow he got woken up too uh long before he was supposed to and he's just been kind of surviving in this trash heap and uh you know he learned how to stay away from

the gene stealers and he's been finding food and stuff and everything's been not cool, but he's still alive. He's not on a sandwich roll right now. So that's a good thing. They kind of strike up like an uneasy partnership. We find out this guy's name is Mon, M-A-N-H. He's very flippy, too. He is. He's doing a lot of flips.

With the bow staff. Yeah. A lot of Donatello things. But he kind of explains to Mon that the ship is basically going to... keel over and die if he doesn't get to the reactor core so man's going to take him to the reactor core to get things going okay excellent on the way to the reactor core they come across what i would call The holding tank for all of the cryo chamber things. Yeah, like another area where the other passenger...

People are stored, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this one has like thousands of them. Yes. Which is cool. They're in there and he's like poking around. He's like, ooh, let me see if I can find my girlfriend. He comes across what he believes is Peyton's wife. There's an M. Peyton. So he's like, hey, find your wife. Unfortunately, while they're there dicking around.

all of the other gene stealers come rushing in at them. And we get a pretty cool little combat scene here. Because the way this place is, it's like a big, like... A dome kind of a thing. And they got to run up on the walls, which is cool. And they do a lot of spin kicks. Yeah. And a lot of matrix moves kind of thing. A lot of parkour. A lot of parkour, too. I like a parkour. Even the mutant guys or whatever they are, they're doing a lot of... Oh, yeah. They can...

They're four-wheeling and then they're standing and flipping. Oh, yeah. And they do like a bear crawl thing and they go on their sides and stuff, roll around. It's crazy. These guys are crazy. This is about the time when the chick shows back up and she starts... kicking some ass also. They get a little roughed up, but eventually they make it out. Unfortunately, I don't know how it happened. Maybe you figured it out, but one of the other cryo chambers pops open in the midst of all this.

unfortunate for that dude this poor rube this guy just woke up and all of a sudden he's got 35 of these fucking gene stealers getting disemboweled ripping at him and he's like what the fuck what the fuck is But that, luckily for our heroes, is their opportunity to make a big escape, which they do. It's just like they say. I don't have to outrun a bear. I just have to outrun you. You. Exactly right. I don't know if they – did it seem to you like one of them opened that thing?

Or did it just come open? I think it just came open. Or maybe during the scuffle, somebody hit a button. Yeah. Poor bastard gets open up. I know. And just gets ate right away. I hate to think that they just ran up and started... hitting the open button so that these disoriented fucks could get a sandwich. That's terrible, man. That's bad. The girl did say when she showed up, I don't know if it was this part, but she's basically saying that this is...

They're hunting grounds. She said we have to be careful in here, be quiet because they're around because they're hunting. Obviously, maybe they know how to open them up because if they're opening them up to use them as food sources. Yeah, exactly. So I don't know. That would make sense also. Regardless, sucks to be that dude. Yeah, poor bastard. But this gives our heroes a chance to get away.

Awesome. Now we're going to cut back to the main deck where Peyton is still pacing around back and forth and wondering what the hell's going on. At this point, another dude comes flopping out of that air conditioning duct and he's covered in grease. We're going to meet this guy. He's a younger kid. He's got his whitey tighties on and all that stuff. Oh, Corporal Gallo is this dude. He's got Pandorum big time. Or at least...

We think he does because he's being a real prick about everything. He's like curled up in a fetal position. Every time Peyton goes to like talk to him or help him, he just starts yelling and cussing at him. what the fuck is this guy's problem he's probably pandorum but this creates a dangerous situation for peyton because if he's alone on that deck with this asshole and he does have pandorum

Good chance he's going to try to kill Peyton, and then we won't have anybody to pilot the ship if we can keep it from blowing up to begin with. All right, well, that's tense. Now we're going to cut back to our heroes. They manage to elude the horde of gene stealers. They get running around in the hallways and the staircases and all that shit. They make it to a safe area.

where they find yet another survivor. This dude is like a mad doctor kind of a thing. And he's hanging out up on the catwalk. Yeah. It seems like they couldn't get up there, so they're conversing with him up there. Yeah, and he's not going to come down. He's like an older guy, very Mad Max looking type of a dude.

And he's been doing like cave paintings on the walls. And this is where we're going to get our big reveal about what the fuck is actually going on here. They are on the starship Elysium. I'm going to paraphrase this and probably butcher it, but they are on the starship Elysium. They were. they left Earth with the intention of making it to a planet called TARDIS.

which is supposedly a new earth, and it's perfectly inhabitable by humans, oxygen, sunlight, agriculture, drinkable water, everything we need. We knew it was going to be a very long trip. That's why we started doing the cryocycles. I think they originally said 123 years or something like that. Yeah, some bananas thing. Like, the chick at that point, Nadia, says, like, my kids won't be alive to see Tarnas. Their kids won't be alive to see Tarnas or something like that. But very grim.

situation here and it's about to get a lot grimmer dusty because what this guy's going to tell us and it's going to be supported is that a couple of days after they left earth earth just exploded into space dust No explanation as to how that happened, but they're speculating. They're like, what, nuclear war? What? What happened? I don't know. It just happened. We saw it from the windows. It was very traumatic. Fuck.

And by the way, we don't know where we are right now, and none of the ship systems are working, so we are pretty much just going to die here on this ship anyway. Just to drift. And it's okay, because the ship's just going to fall apart as soon as the reactor quits trying to reboot itself.

All right, give me the good news. Fucking jerk off. Oh, the good news. Let me press this button, is what he says, and then gas starts filling up the lower part of the chamber, and our three heroes are immediately put to sleep. Fucking fuck.

Now we're going to cut back to... He kind of alluded to his position. Yeah. He called himself the cook. Yeah. Or he said, I'm a cook. Yeah, I'm a cook. Yeah. For who exactly? Exactly. You jackass. Or I'm a good cook or something like that. Something like that. Remember the cook from Chainsaw Massacre? Yeah. Same concept. Same basic idea right there. Now we cut back to the main hold where Peyton and Gallo are getting like...

They're butting heads on everything. Like, Peyton's like, oh, don't worry. He's going to restart the ship. And he's like, no, don't tell him to restart the ship. We're already dead. Why even bother? And they're going back and forth, and it's getting more and more tense. At one point, Peyton does sedate Gallo, and he's like, dude, just calm the fuck down. There's a little bit of a struggle, but eventually he gets him sedated, and then he kind of...

Puts him not in the cryo coffin just yet, but he kind of puts him to the side so that he can continue looking at the... charts or whatever the hell he's looking at and that's when peyton gets the bad news also he sees in the ship log that earth did in fact blow up and they've been adrift and somehow the cryo cycle got broken and now we're basically all fucked So yeah, bad news all the way around, Dusty. Not looking good for these dudes.

Now our heroes come to. They are suspended upside down in that weird... Alien or predator fashion. Yeah, in the chamber. And this is where we get the explanation from the quote-unquote cook. as to how he stayed alive so long. He's basically been waking people up and then feeding them to the gene stealers.

And eating them himself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, you've got to eat something, right? Fucking jackass. I had to do what I had to do, basically. You know, remember that Chilean football team? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, nobody judged them, did they? No, they didn't. So that's nasty, and now our three heroes are looking like it's going to be them on the menu this afternoon. I love that when he says, because they're trying to talk their way out of it, right? Bowers will say, I can restart the show. If I don't...

reset the reactor, then we're all going to die anyway. It's going to blow up within an hour or something like that, he was saying. And he's all... You're just trying to... Trick me or something. I'm about to carve a stake off your girlfriend. Then he actually goes and stabs the hot chick. All right, take it easy there, fella. Luckily, eventually, Bowers does manage to convince him as to what the fuck is going on.

You got to let me go because I'm the only one that can restart the reactor. And by the way, as he's having this conversation, some of those tremors start to kick in. He's like, you feel that fucking asshole? That's the reactor trying to kickstart itself. It can't do it without a manual over. right or whatever I got to get over there to do it so you can help me and we can all live

Or we can all die in about 43 minutes, in which case, why even bother cooking us or feeding us to anybody? So luckily, the Mad Max doctor guy is like, all right, come on, let's get you to the reactor. And he stole his... We never... He's got power gloves. Yeah, yeah. He's got like a wrist...

I don't know what it shoots, but it'll blow you across the room. It's supposed to be riot control, but this is what Peyton was telling him when he found it. It's a riot control gun, but he says if you're up close, it can do some real damage. I would imagine so. I've got to get one of those. They're pretty cool.

So, yeah, now they're headed towards the reactor. It's pretty tense because we found out that apparently the Gene Steelers like the radioactive output of the reactor, and they're basically using that as their staging area. It's like a nest. Yeah. They're all just huddled in there. It's like the crude sleeping pile in there. So...

Down they go to the reactor, they get there, and that's when there's just like a sea of gene stealers, but they're all asleep, which is good, just huddled around the reactor. There's a catwalk that leads to the control panel that they need to get to. While that's going on, we're going to cut back to the main deck where Gallo and Payton are now in a full-on fistfight. Big struggle.

Gallo is bleeding from his nose, which I guess is another symptom. I think the indication of the Pandorum. Pandorum kicking in. Luckily... Peyton manages to sedate Gallo again, and this time he just loads his ass back in his cryo chamber and seals the door. Good. That's the good news. The bad news, though, is that now Peyton is really coming apart. And we're about to find out just how bad he is coming apart because...

Gallo wakes up and he starts talking to Peyton. He's like, hey, you're going to let me out of here. We're all going to die. You don't get it. And this is where we find out that if I'm right, if I'm correcting my understanding of this, Gallo actually is Peyton. Corporal. The guy, Dennis Quaid, is actually Corporal Gallo. Yes. And Lieutenant Payton, I think, I don't know. I think Lieutenant, there was a flashback that he had kind of in the beginning of the movie.

where they kind of showed the original bridge crew, if you will, and they showed Gallo in the background coming up. And I think Peyton was the... The lieutenant from the flashback. Okay. So he kind of assumed his identity after what happened happened. So that makes sense. So probably... And I'm just guesstimating here. Gallo got Pandorum, killed the crew, killed the entire... Bridge crew. Captain and his crew, and then loaded himself into...

Peyton's cryo chamber. And now we have this fucking asshole. So, yeah, and this all kind of comes into play when, like... And Peyton is, like, visualizing him, like, beating himself up and giving himself an injection. Right. They're struggling over the injector. Yeah. He was trying to put it in Gallo's neck. Yeah. And then it all kind of coalesced.

into him stabbing himself in the neck. Well, aren't you a silly bitch? I wonder what the security camera of that would look like. What the hell is he doing? It's like with Ace Ventura. Yeah. Doing the numbers. with his hand. Fight club? Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, exactly. There you go. What are you doing? I'm kicking my ass. So that's ridiculous. But it's fine. I guess it kind of makes sense. Now we cut back to the reactor core. Bad news. The catwalk going to the reactor is like...

Holding on with some zip ties. Bauer starts walking across, and it snaps off, but Mann grabs it, and he's holding it in place. Unfortunately, Bowers falls off, but he manages to land in a spot where he doesn't wake up any of the Gene Steelers, which is good. He like wraps himself up in a bunch of their clothes. I thought it was skin. It could be. It could have been skin. I don't know. He's trying to, I think.

mask and smell yeah like blend in with them or something yeah i don't know and then he does like a slow army crawl over all these disgusting bodies and then manages to get up to the uh reactor core unfortunately As he's like resetting everything, man's strength runs out. So he drops the catwalk as the gene stealers are waking up. Good news, the catwalk smashes like four or five of them. Bad news, there's like...

At least 100 or so down there. They all go running up. Nadia jumps over to the reactor core catwalk so that she can protect Bauer while he's... re-engaging the fucking shit or whatever uh the gene stealers come up and she's like stabbing them as they come which i thought was pretty cool um

And luckily, he manages to get the reactor reset, which stops the ship from self-destructing. That's the good news. The bad news is they now have about 125 jeans dealers to deal with. And how the fuck are we going to get out of here alive? Yeah, because they're tough customers. Yeah. You know when they're having that fight in the other room? The egg chamber thing? The egg chamber. Yeah. She hit him in the head with a...

He didn't care. He didn't even fucking care. No, he didn't care about that. So something's going on. They're very tough. Tough sons of bitches. Yeah. That sucks. So they all go hauling ass out of there. When it started up, though, it kind of burst and killed a few. Blew a bunch of them back, which gave them an opportunity to haul ass.

Somehow they get separated, and Mann ends up by himself, and he has to fight the leader of the James Steelers. Without the nose. Yeah, so that's a pretty cool little fight sequence, because the leader actually... throws my man a spear. Like, here, let's have a spear fight instead of a fist fight. He's like, okay. And then they get like a cool Darth Maul kind of a... A lot of like a wall...

Walk on the wall and spin around. It was cool. It was a good fight. He starts biting his neck and he grabs one of the spikes out of his armor and starts stabbing him in the head. Stabs him in the head until he dies. Man, luckily, kills the leader, but his guts are coming out of his side because the leader bit a good chunk out of his ribs, and he's walking away, and he's like, oh, fuck. And then there's a fucking Gene Steeler kid, buddy. Ugly little fucker. Yeah.

And she, you know, man's like, oh, I guess that was your dad. Sorry, I don't know. And the kid's just standing there and then the kid just slits man's throat. Yeah, standing there with his hands behind him looking all fucking weird. Slice you right open. And that's the end of man. It's too bad. I like that guy. I did. Look good with his shirt off. That dude works out. Yeah. I know what he does in his spare time.

Between kickflips and spear fighting, he's doing a lot of lifting. A lot of crossfit kind of thing. Maybe he's got some kettlebells in there. I'm sure there's a gym on the ship somewhere, right? Got to be. Yeah, totally. That sucks. Man's out of the picture. Now we're going to cut to Nadia and Bowers.

They're hauling ass. They've got to get back up into the air duct. They've got to make their way to the bridge. Good news, now that the power is back on, we can open that sealed door and get to the actual cockpit of the ship, which is great.

peyton does he gets in there and this is when it all comes back to him and he has like this moment of clarity oh fuck i am gallo uh this whole ship is fucked and it's all my fault because i lost my mind before i got in the wrong fucking cryo chamber, and, um...

Now we are fucked, so we might as well just should have just blown the whole ship up, which is what I was telling myself to begin with before I killed my imaginary self. Yeah. Before I sedated my imaginary self. My imaginary self, and this is going to come up at therapy.

next week yeah uh but he kind of goes like weirdly catatonic i guess like he's just kind of like staring off that's when nadia and bowers actually pop out of one of the air conditioning ducts and they get into the cockpit and they're like hey How about you hit the gas and get us the fuck out of here, and we can reactivate the security system, by the way, which should take care of the gene stealers that are now clawing at the chamber door to get in here.

He's like, no, no, no. We're just going to die here. We're fucked anyway. Earth is gone. We don't know where we are. Well, actually, he does know where we are. But either way, I think I'd rather we just all die here. and now so let's just do that instead he's like no big struggle goes on at some point Bowers

gets hit in the head, and he kind of goes spacey for a little bit. I thought he was starting to get a Pandorum. A little bit of Pandorum, but I feel like Gallo injected him with that shit, which kind of threw him off also. Nadia and Gallo are kind of fighting it out a little bit.

At one point, there's like a break in the action and Callow's like, fine, you want to know where we are? You want to know where we really are? And he opens up the window. Apparently, there's windows on this thing. And there's a bunch of jellyfish and stingrays floating around outside the window. Alien-ish stingrays. Very glow sticky. Yeah. Very ravey stingrays. Like, what the fuck? There's fucking stingrays and jellyfish here? It's like, yeah, man, we're at the bottom of the ocean.

Of Tannis, by the way. We actually made it, and we're here now, and somehow we ended up in the bottom of the ocean. Actually, instead of 123 years, it's been 933 years. Yes. So they've been there sitting on the bottom of the ocean. Just hanging. For a long ass time. Yeah, waiting for these gene stealer dudes to come kill you. That's gnarly. And they're like, God, what the hell? And then at this point, I think...

And Bowers was like hallucinating that the jeans dealers. That's why I thought he was getting the Pandorum. Because he's starting to get paranoid. And he said they're coming. Looked like they were coming through the vents. Yeah, the panels. But those vents were not very big at all. Right, and he shot one of them with the riot gun. Yeah, the power glove. And then it was just wires and sparking shit. And he's like, wait a minute, now I'm fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that really sucked, but it sucked even worse because a piece of metal flew off of the panel that he just shot at for no reason and put a little spiderweb chink in the glass of the window. Oh, shit! Now we're about to have 50,000 gallons of water crashing in on this place. Gallo is just having the time of his life because he's like, oh, yeah, let's swim it out. We'll see what happens.

Luckily, they managed to subdue Gallo, but now the main window has crashed in and thousands of gallons of water are pouring into the cockpit. I think he was just sitting there on his captain's chair just bringing it on, baby. No problem. I wanted to die 900 years ago. Bauer and Nadia load themselves back into Bauer's cryo coffin thing. And luckily, before they do, they hit the emergency...

Deject button. Deject button. Yeah. Which apparently just shoots all of the cryo chambers out. So that's what they were talking about when they were kind of discussing the Pandorum Syndrome. Yeah. Peyton and Bowers in the beginning. Okay. And he's asking them. Do you have Pandorm? You know what it is. I guess in the space pilots world, there was a captain that had got the Pandorm and hit the master.

eject button and ejected all the colonists out into space to just float around and die. That's, I think, the button he hit was the eject button. That makes sense. To do the same thing, but he's trying to... Get them out of the...

Drowning vessel, basically. Yeah. Or the ship might have done it automatically when it sensed the whole breach. It could have. I think that's what it might have done. It might have. They loaded themselves in, and I think he ejected his pod, but then the ship automatically ejected everybody else. because it sensed the whole breach. That could be. So I don't know.

Your Star Wars dork is showing, by the way. It is. I kind of got lost at that moment. That's okay. I'm with you on this. But anyway, that's exactly what happens. All the cryopods go flying out into the water. Luckily... Bauer gets Nadia loaded up into his and they go taking off. Unfortunately, it's already filled with water when it takes off. So like he's got like some kind of breathing mask on there. He slaps that on Nadia and then they off they go. But now.

Bowers is drowning inside the cryo tub because it's filled with water. Luckily, it breaches the surface of the planet just before he completely drowns and pops open. And then we get to see the very picturesque... landscape of tannis which is just a tropical paradise looks amazing and we see the crash of the ship like half of it is sticking out of the ocean and then we see all the other pods bursting through the

The water. And that's pretty much the end of your movie there, buddy. Yeah. What did you think of Pandorum? I dug it. I liked it. Yeah, here's the thing, though. Okay, so this Earth-like planet. Right? And there's no intelligent life. You're going to basically out of the frying pan into the fire if there's somebody there that's going to fuck you up worse than the...

The mutant things, you know. That was going to be my question. Where the fuck did those guys come from? Well, they kind of said in their... Who was saying it? I think it was the cook guy was talking about it. Or maybe it was Nadia because she was part of the genetics team, I think. Something like that, yeah. And her theory was that when they're in their cryotubes, they're fed.

a hormone or something, basically an injection to make them more adaptable to the Tarnas' atmosphere, the planet, basically. Sure. So they have this... drug that makes them more adaptable to new environments. So... Her theory was the mutants got out, or they used to be regular people, but then the injection took over and made them adapt to life on the ship, in the Mad Max ship.

realm right yeah so they had to develop and there's no food so they obviously started eating each other and so that's kind of what they that was my take on it I don't know maybe I could be off on that I'll buy that because I don't think they got in from the outside from Tarnas but I think that's how she said they just basically evolved in the ship.

I'll buy that. Yeah, I'll buy that. It's better than anything I can come up with. I don't know. That's what she said. But, yeah. Well, this was originally supposed to be the first of a trilogy. Oh, I didn't know that. So then we could have found out what was on the damn planet. Yeah, and probably... Killed that too. Yeah. It's a good show. I liked it. I liked it a lot. It's got a very gothic kind of feel to it. Very...

I would call it almost more action sci-fi than horror. I mean, when these things get you, they rip you open like a can of tomatoes and just eat whatever. That's some gore. A lot of gore elements, too. Yeah, yeah. Good show, though. I liked it. I liked Ben Foster. Yeah. He's a good actor. Yep. I was thinking in the beginning when he first came out and he's all scruffy looking, I thought he was going to be a dirtbag. You know, like he...

Like his 30 Days a Night character? Yeah. Oh, my God. He plays a great dirt guy. Oh, yeah. The Punisher? Yeah. Yeah. Your mother is so disappointed in you. Right on, man. I say we take us a little break. There, Dusty, and we'll come back with some other stuff. Sounds good. past is

Hey, inmates. If you like what you hear, head over to the Padded Room Facebook group and support us through the patron link with a small monthly donation. Check out the T-Bellon link at paddedroom.podbean.com and grab some t-shirts. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the show. All right, Dusty, we are back. Yes, sir. All this cannibal talk is making me a little hungry, man. I'm a bit peckish. You know, I could do with like a fucking...

Taco? A pink one? Yeah. I'm into that. You know me. Right on, dude. Well, this is usually about the time that we get into the... Well, Dusty, I guess it's time for the Pterodome, my man. All right. No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering. I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to bash your brains in. I'm going to bash them right the fuck in. I'll kill you all.

I'll try to be crazy, and I'll kill you. I'll be crazy. I don't know where the worst dream come true. Six-year-old child, Lucas. Blind, pale, emotional, space. The blackest size. The devil's size. Welcome to the Terradome. No fights this week as we are closing out the semi-final round. I do have to announce this week's winner though. We were in the Asylum Conference round 12.

We had Jigsaw versus the Wolfman. The chamber on the revolver spun as the hammer dropped. The silver bullet struck true. Dead bang and landed. True. Lawrence felt his blood empty out onto the dingy floor. His life was over, and the wolf's was with it. He had found peace at last. With a vote of 3-2, Jigsaw advances over the wolfman. Dusty.

You look disappointed. Yeah, I know. I'm a wolfman kind of a guy. Oh, well, you know. But, you know, it is what it is. It's brains over brawn. The people have spoken. It's true. And I feel like, you know, a smart guy. That's the problem with the Wolfman, you know? Now, you give me like a werewolf, like a straight werewolf, like a – what's his name? Eddie from The Howling. Yeah. That's a savage son of a gun.

So is the new Wolfman, and that was Lawrence Talbot. I know, yeah, yeah. He was pretty savage. I know, but he was still just a dude, you know? He looked like a teddy bear. That's the problem I have with the Wolfman. But how fast was he? He was fast, and he was ugly. He was taking off those gypsies' heads left and right. Went up on the roof. He was doing some parkour himself.

Let's take a look at the coming up matchups, shall we? We're now in the finals. We're going to have Michael Myers versus The Creeper. We're going to have Dracula versus the Predator. I'm looking forward to that one. That'd be a good one. Maniac Cop versus Candyman. And the Xenomorph versus Jigsaw. And those are going to be your upcoming matches. We'll resume the fights next week, inmates. Am I still in this? Yes, I am. I had the creeper. I think... Oh, you chose...

The aerial combat this year. I did, and it usually works out for me, despite what Tom Hardy would tell you. I think I like Dracula's chances, dude. He could go all the way. Has he won it before? No. No, he hasn't. That's surprising. This could be his first run. He's making a championship run, Dusty. All right. I like it. While you're contemplating those matchups, though, inmates, we have to tell you what movies we got to watch this week in a segment called What Are You Looking At?

What are you looking at? Dusty, how do you feel about porcupines? Porcupines? Yeah. I know that's a completely random question. You probably haven't thought about porcupines since you were six years old. No. I'm going to put you on the spot. How do I feel about them? What do you think of porcupines? They look a little... prickly they are prickly yes i've got a movie called a creature was stirring from 2023 okay now you're thinking to yourself it's it's a were porcupine it's a chick

that turns into a human-porcupine hybrid. Oh, yeah, no, I said the same thing. It's... It's very strange. It turns out to be a big metaphor for depression and drug use. And it's a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas. Well, okay. All right. All right. Let me give you a quick snapshot here. You have a young lady, probably mid-20s, comic book dork. She has been afflicted with wereporcupine. Do you get said affliction by a bite or a prick? A quill.

A prick. No, it's called a quill. Oh, okay. It's not a... Quit saying prick. Well, you get pricked by the quill. You do. And then you become the were-porcupine. And then you can prick others. Well, you turn into this... It's a hybrid thing. But luckily her mom is a nurse and she's been like, you know, studying this condition. And she finds that if she keeps the daughter between...

The daughter has to maintain a temperature of 102, like a fever, 102 to 104 degrees. So as long as she keeps her body temperature in that range, she won't change. Unfortunately, there's a blizzard outside. and they're snowbound, and two backpackers break into their house because they're stuck in the blizzard and they need shelter, and that's when all hell breaks loose.

All right on. I will. I know. No, I know. Now, how is this a Christmas movie? Are there Christmas lights hanging on said house? Sure. Okay.

Well, it was snowing outside. Okay, okay. The name of the movie is A Creature Was Stirring, Dusty. Oh! Clearly, clearly. So it is a Christmas movie. It is a Christmas movie. Okay. I will say there was one very cool kill where she does... like a sonic the hedgehog thing all right and like does like a body slam under under the dude and just back flaps on him pretty much yeah yeah just pincushion and then he's pricked to death he's pricked he is pricked and cracked um the ending is a little wacky

Did you ever see The Cleansing Hour? Yeah. Same director. Okay. That was a good movie. It's a hard sell to come at me with a were-porcupine. Yeah. But I will say that it kept my attention because... How are the... Creature effects. I mean, was it serviceable? It's very ambiguous. Because of all the bananas Christmas lighting, it's very hard to make out. Hard to make out, okay. You've seen Nightbreed? Yeah. Remember the hot chick that had the quills? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Similar, in the same vein, is that. All right. If I've piqued your curiosity... I think I've heard all I need to hear. I had you wear porcupine. Yeah, yeah. That's all I'm looking at, homeboy. What do you got? Just... Watch kind of the usual stuff getting into the holiday season. We always start off with a little bit of Krampus. Okay, yeah. We do that actually the day after Thanksgiving. Nice. Thanksgiving evening is reserved for aforementioned Christmas vacation. Love it.

So we watched those two, obviously. And then we did... Have you heard... Have you seen a movie called 8-Bit Christmas? No. This is a movie that's on Macs. And it's... You've seen A Christmas Story, right? Of course. Where the kid wants a BB gun. Yep. This is our generation's A Christmas Story. Okay. This kid is telling his, this man now, played by Doogie Howser. What's his name? Oh.

Patrick Harris or... Something like that. Anyway, Neil Patrick Harris. There you go. Anyway, he's telling his daughter who is desperately wanting to get a new iPhone for Christmas and she's... I believe 12. And he's, him and his wife are refusing to do the iPhone thing. And so he relates to her the story of when he wanted... A Nintendo entertainment system. Yeah, buddy. More than life itself. I remember that. And it is definitely a movie for night.

Our generation of nerd. The whole movie is about him pursuing his dreams of Christmas dreams of getting a Nintendo Entertainment System. Great movie. Awesome. I have to check that out. Yeah, we watch it. I think it came out a couple years ago. We watch it every Christmas. Okay, very cool. And then last one. Oh. Slipped in Die Hard 2. That's a Christmas movie. None of these are horror except for Krampus. But I did watch...

A movie called Little Bites. Okay. It's Spider-One's new movie. Nice. So Rob Zombie's brother. Yeah. And it's a Shudder original. Okay. But we had to pay for it. It was a... $2.99. We paid for it on Prime. I'm sure it'll be on Shutter here before too long. I'm sure. Really, we enjoyed it. It's basically this mother has a... Okay. Looks kind of like a Count Orlok kind of vampire-ish thing. Okay. In her basement. All right. And she has to constantly feed it from herself.

She goes down in the basement and lets this thing take bites out of her. Okay. And he's got her... I don't want to ruin the whole thing because it's a good movie. But basically, he's... She has to feed him or else he will go after her daughter. And her daughter now is living with the grandmother. Her mother and CPS gets called. Barbara Crampton's in it. Oh, nice. Another one of the producers is Cher. So her...

Son? Chaz? Yeah. Is in it. Okay. But anyway, it kind of goes down. You don't kind of know if it's... like in her head kind of a thing or what but she has all the bark the bite marks and things and he's it's uh somewhat like a sexual in nature for him the the creature he's taking bites out of her inner thigh and she's just laying there

Taken it. It's very fucking weird. Okay. But it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. So I'd recommend it if you... Wait for it to come out on Shudder or drop the $2.99 for it on Prime. Okay. The... The guy is, the creature is really creepy looking and... And he says some fucked up shit to her. Very cool. So, yeah, it was a good one. Right on. We both dug it. I will have to investigate that. The Red Queen and I both watched it. Have you watched any of Spider-1's other movies?

I haven't. This is the first one I watched. So I highly recommend Allegoria. Okay. It's very cool. It's like a horror movie, Pulp Fiction style. Oh, okay. You almost feel like you're watching an anthology, but at the end, you see how they all kind of weave in and out of each other. And it's based on the arts. So there's like a music section, a painting section, a sculpture section, a film section. And then at the end, you find out this is where the fucking shit started.

I can't even explain. It's very good, though. The other one is called Bury the Bride. It's about these chicks going to a bachelorette party. To a weird, like an Airbnb out in the middle of the desert. And about halfway through, these rednecks show up and start fucking with them. But then you find out one of the rednecks is actually the groom. because they're on a you know of the bride and then you find out that these rednecks are not

I'll check it out. Bury the Bride. Bury the Bride. If you liked Little Bites, I think you'll like Spider-1's other movies. Allegoria, I really liked. I think you'll dig that one. All right, inmates, that's all we're looking at this week. How about a little immersion therapy then? Yeah, get some therapy, eh? Immersion Therapy Yeah, I've seen Cemetery Man before. I just wanted an excuse to watch it again. And do certain parts of it anyway.

The part that's real grainy from the time that you've watched it over and over. The tracking gets all weird all of a sudden. It's a good show. A lot of people call it a horror comedy. I can see that. The ending is very strange. The idea of a zombie apocalypse happening one zombie at a time, only at a certain cemetery...

And the poor schmuck that just has to sit there and wait for these fuckers to come out of the ground so he can re-kill them and put them immediately back into the ground. I think he needs to put his resume on Indeed. He's got a shit job. Clearly. And you would think he would be better taken care of, right? Because his little assistant basically lives in a hole in the ground.

poor guy well i mean it works out for him because he falls in love with the head of one of the zombies and like is having like a weird marriage ceremony with the head unfortunately the head's living father comes back and he's like that's my daughter you kind of it's a whole ass thing uh it's very straight i feel like i'm not smart enough to really understand that movie but if you look it up it says it's a horror comedy there are some very funny and ironic

properties to it, but at the same time... It might be Italian comedy. It is Italian. Comedy. They might not be as... Lost in translation. Juvenile as us? Clearly. Much more refined in their humor. Still a good show. God damn that set of boobs though. I'll tell you what.

Your immersion therapy for this week, inmates, is going to be The Substance from 2024 starring Demi Moore. Apparently you can find this on Mubi. Mubi. Which is accessible through Amazon Prime. You just have to sign up for the free. trial, and then...

Maybe there's some other good stuff out there. We might have to do some surfing. Might as well get your free trials worth out of it. You know what? You got it for a week. You might as well. Maybe there's some other shit on there. Check that shit out, inmates. We'll do the same and compare notes next week. But right now... it's time for a round of Who's Your Daddy? Who is Daddy? First, my clues from last week. I am a bit of a nerd there, Dusty. Not so much of a nerd.

that I am now teaching the robotic engineering class at my local college. I'm 16 years old, by the way. I've built a best friend for myself, a little guy on tank treads and... You know, pincher claws and stuff like that. Takes care of bullies for me. Everything was going smooth until I fell in love with the girl next door who was played by a very young Christy Swanson. I don't know if that name rings any bells. Oh, yeah. Buffy. Yes.

And then her abusive piece of shit dad killed her. So I just took my little computer chip out of my robot friend and stuck it in her corpse and I'm off to the races. And now she's on a killing spree, and I can't figure out how to turn her off. Fucking shit. You go to make yourself a jackpot, and you turn out with a killing robot. Fucking goddammit. I should have just reanimated her from the neck down. There you go. Deadly Friend. Have you seen that one? Yeah.

It's ridiculous. One of the probably stupidest all-time kills when she cranks the basketball into the old lady's face and blows up her whole head. Because that could happen. uh who might i be this week you ask well dusty i am a death row inmate and i have mere hours to live before they execute me um I, it's okay. I kind of want to die because I've had a real shit life, but the...

What I'd really like is just to get my story out there so that people understand what really happened to me. Good news, I've got a court-appointed psychologist coming to make sure that I am mentally fit to die. As if that makes sense. I'm going to tell him my whole story, which is only partially my story. The rest of the story belongs to this thing that is now living inside me. And maybe we can...

Either get me off of death row, because I might just be making all this shit up, or maybe I can die peacefully along with this fucking thing inside me. Who might I be, you ask? You tune in next week, and I'll drop some knowledge on you, amigo. In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for us, Dusty. All right. You got anything else you'd like to add on the week? Nope. I was happy to be here. It was a good time. Hey, you come back and join me anytime you want, amigo. All right.

Like, comment, subscribe wherever you found this show. Inmates, that helps our visibility quite a bit. If you're interested, we do have a Patreon campaign running. Just go to paddedroompodcast.com. Find out all the information you need there. In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for us for Spider-One and his artistic endeavors.

Here's an interesting thought. Who do you think is going to be the better overall director? Rob Zombie or Spider-One? Well, Rob Zombie has more quantity, right? So far, yeah. I love him, but he's kind of a one-trick pony, right? Spider-1, at least, is kind of branching out. Branching out in different directions. Yeah. Not always with the hillbilly white trash. Exactly. Exactly right.

Rob Zombie's movies are all like Rob Zombie's music. It's all Dragula and White Hillbilly. And you know exactly what you're looking at. As soon as you see the directed by Rob Zombie, okay, we're going to go to a trailer park. It's probably going to be somebody addicted to heroin. A lot of weird sexual innuendo. Yeah. You get what you pay for. That's exactly right.

Spider One, Buddy and Chuck in absentia. Dusty, new guest hosts. Hopefully he'll join us again. Sure. What else? Oh, vampires. Fucking assholes. Two $20,000 beds. $20,000. That I guarantee you nobody's actually going to get a good night's sleep in. Nope, you're just going to buy that for the penny dropping. Banging strippers. That's all there is to it. That's all it is. And the Padded Room Podcast. I'm afraid visiting hours are over.

Where would you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him at.