Alright, here we go. is back on the air baby my name is Darian I am back with another week of fucking bullshit for ya you know you missed me don't act like you don't it's another solo show dudes I don't know what to tell you, man. I think it's just going to be me from here on out. Buddy and Chuck, you know, they work. They got jobs and stuff. I do, too. But me doing the show is a lot easier than it is for them.
Yeah, dude, just me this week. We got lucky. We dodged the stomach fucking sickness that was going around the Brock house here. I'm telling you right now, dudes, if you don't have an ice tank... Fill up your bathtub and throw some ice cubes in there. Get in that son of a bitch once a week. Or if you could do it once a day, you know, for like three to five minutes. Boom, you're good.
I didn't get sick at all. I didn't even get like a case of the farts. Everybody else in my house is shitting their pants and vomiting all over the place. I'm good to go. It's because of the ice tank, bros. I'm the only one that uses the ice tank these days. I get in there every day. No sickness, no stomach bug, no nothing. I'm fit as a fiddle.
Well, I could probably still lose a few pounds, but I'm not sick is the thing. That's the main thing that I'm trying to tell you. Oh, excuse me. That being said, I'm probably now going to vomit all over this microphone. I got the regular show to get into here, fuckers. I got listener mail. I got horror news. I got all the usual shit. How about I start things off with a little of the old horror news like I usually do?
Horror news. Yeah, buddy. You remember last week I talked about... jwoww from the jersey shore and her horror debut with a little film called devon supposed to have an actual ghost in there somewhere three men and a baby style
Not a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson, like we know and love, but a legit ghost. I know it was filmed in Pennhurst Asylum, so take that for what it's worth, or this could be all a big fucking marketing... gimmick gag um it's not i don't know but whatever dude uh it's uh now streaming on scream box if anybody gives a shit go right ahead over there go ahead go ahead and do that and uh
Check yourself out some Devin is the name of the movie. Dude, I do not have high hopes for it. Jason Harrell already saw it. uh apparently he's got time now that he's retired to watch Devin and he says no bueno and I'm I I'm not interested dude If somebody can show me like a YouTube clip of the actual ghost in the movie and it freaks me out enough, I might be interested. But you lost me at JWoww.
What the fuck does she know about making horror movies? Probably nothing. Who the hell even... Did she go to film school all of a sudden and now she's making movies? I doubt it. I doubt that very much. I think we're probably trying to cash in on the... Jersey Shore fucking freak fans or something. I don't know. The show has been off the air for like 25 years. Who gives a shit? I don't know.
Check it out, dudes. Screen box. Maybe I'm missing out on something. Maybe it's so bad it's good. That's a possibility. Speaking of so bad it's good, trailers are up for Popeye the Slayer Man. Yeah, we talked about this last week too. It looks dumb as shit. I watched the trailer. It looks like... The special effects team behind...
Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey, they basically did the same thing for Popeye here. They made him look like a living cartoon, and now he's going to run around and kill some co-eds, and that's wonderful. At this point, this is... see we fucked up i think we fucked up as horror fans we got behind winnie the pooh blood and honey and it made actually did make some money so now they're gonna fucking bukkake us with all these dipshit horror concepts
So thus we have Popeye the Slayer Man. Trailers are out if you give a shit. Here's some good news for us. Robert Eggers Nosferatu has been given an R rating, a hard R rating. for bloody violence and graphic nudity i'm excited now i'm now i'm excited i was already excited but be honest with you i don't always feel like i'm smart enough to understand robert eggers movies um but now
You had me at graphic nudity, and I'll sit through the bloody violence. I saw the trailer. The trailers are up. I saw the trailer. Very ambiguous. I didn't see Skarsgård in there. uh as count orlock i don't know maybe i wasn't paying attention or something it's dark as shit i'll tell you that the trailer super dark so kill the lights and close the curtains before you try to watch it
Speaking of Nosferatu, Regal Cinemas are offering a sarcophagus popcorn bucket to coincide with the Nosferatu release. It's going to release Christmas Day. I still, I don't eat a lot of popcorn and I don't have a lot of use for buckets. What I don't also have is a lot of room in this room for more horror bullshit. I got one guest room in my house and I have to squeeze it all into this room.
To include this podcast. So I'm running out of real estate in here, fellas. I can't. I can't with the popcorn buckets. I can make an argument with the wife if I actually ate a lot of popcorn, which I don't. So there's that. uh lastly it looks like beetlejuice beetlejuice will hit streaming this december it's going directly to max um yeah i'm into that i mean you would think
Well, I guess it did get a Halloween theatrical release. And you know what I was thinking about? This has nothing to do with anything. But you know what I was thinking about the other day? There used to be like a sacred timeline. By we, I mean people around about my age. You saw a movie in the theater, right? You liked it, you loved it, whatever the hell. Maybe you missed it. You had to wait about six months.
Six months to a year before it hit VHS, right? And then it would pop up in the video store or the video rental place. Very exciting if you missed it or if you loved it. You had to get down there, rent yourself a copy, take it home and watch it. And then after that, it was like another year before it would actually show up on cable, and then cable would start running the new releases, or quote-unquote new releases to them. So it would be like, coming in January, Predator!
robocop you know you get all excited for that that's kind of that it's kind of gone i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but now i mean look at this beetlejuice beetlejuice was out in the theaters december or uh what uh september i think september october it's it's rolling right into uh streaming in december so what is that a two-month turnaround that's fine um
And you don't have to go to the video store anymore to get your hopes all up that you could snag a copy before they ran out for the weekend. Is that a good thing, you think? I suppose it is, right? but our sacred timeline has now been skewed, and it's really sped up. Yeah, dude, when we were kids, people my age were kids, you missed the movie in the theater, man.
You're just going to have to fucking wonder what it was that you missed because you're not going to see it for a while. And if you don't have a VCR... Dude, you might as well just move on to the next thing because you're not going to see it for a couple of years before it hits cable. Anyway, I kind of missed that. That's just something I was thinking about the other day.
uh beetlejuice beetlejuice going straight to uh max this december set your set your calendars to that why don't you that's all i got on the uh horror news you maniacs i think it's time for a little listener mail Listener mail. Yeah, buddy. I got emails and voicemails. I got all kinds of fun things happening. Why don't I kick things off with a little email action? Coming in all the way from Sydney, Australia. Here comes Tim, the dummy. I almost called him a hummy.
The Dummy of Horror subject line, sweets for the clown. What's up this week, you bunch of cuties? Not much to report this week, so let's get to it. TerraDome. This is hard. Two opponents. who both have different skills to take the other down, but in honor of Tony Todd, I'm going with the Candyman. And to be honest, I think Candyman would defeat Pennywise anyway. Darian, are you pie-whacket?
yes tim you nailed me i was in fact pie whack it that's a that's actually as much fun as i like to make of the name of that movie it's actually a pretty good show um that's it for me this week have a great week tim hey Thanks a lot there, Timbo. I'm going to put you down for the Candyman. Now, I was expecting that we would get a lot of Candyman votes just in honor of the recent passing of Tony Todd. I totally understand that. I'm down with that.
And logically, I think the Candyman would beat Pennywise the Clown. That's just me, though. I could be wrong. Guess who else came in on the... The email. It's our guy from Japan. Lonely Bob. He didn't say anything. He was just bringing me abreast of some podcasting ideas. So thank you very much, Lonely Bob, for writing in. I'm not going to bore you guys with it because Lonely Bob had his own podcast for a while. I don't think he has it anymore.
he's got some things here going on. Thank you very much for listening and for taking the time to share that with me, Lonely Bob. I appreciate that. And I will look into it after the show. We got some voicemails rolling through here, dudes. Start things off with our main man in Alabama. Here comes Alan. What's going on? You avoided the sickness. I did.
And Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Give me Candyman. I knew it. And you are just in your pie with it. You nailed it. We'll see. What did I watch? I started Alien Romulus, but I fell asleep. Okay, that'll happen. I tried to start it back, and I just wasn't interested in it. I'm going to try and watch it later.
It's pretty good. Anyway, that's all I got. I'll talk to you all later. Bye. Beautiful. Thanks for calling in, Alan. How often does that happen these days? Alan is actually substantially younger than I am. I'm having a hard time staying awake for some of these fucking movies, dude. Not that they're boring, but I just find that if I stay, if I fucking sit down for more than, I don't know, 45 minutes, I just...
Just fall asleep, man. What the fuck? I'm not even that old. I mean, I thought I was in pretty good shape. I can't sit down for 45 minutes without collapsing into a puddle of my own. Oh, okay. It happens. I don't know why. I don't know why it's happening, Alan. I think I need to get better. Maybe I need to take vitamins or something. I was for a long time and then I quit. I don't know. Right on, Alan. Thank you very much for calling in. You got me. I was piewhacket.
Apparently I didn't make those clues hard enough, but all right. Here comes the real, the real test of whether or not this was an easy education or an easy who's your daddy. Here comes Tom Hardy. Set us straight. Hey, yo. Hey, yo. Petty Room. How's my favorite degenerate this week? Oh, it's just me again. I do hope everyone is doing well. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you, sir.
You were. You know, hope it's a good one. Yep. I wanted to get in real quick. Fucking got me again on the itch. Oh, come on, man. I got nothing for you. Come on, man. As far as Pennywise versus the Candyman. Yeah, buddy. Matt, I go to Candyman. Yeah. I'm not just going to be just about Tony Todd. I just... Why not? I just fucking... I just see the Candyman being able to take out... A clown. A psychotic clown, whereas...
alien thing? A clown whose powers are based on children being afraid. I just don't think you're going to be able to get the candy. Yeah, I got to go with that. Put me down for the candy, man. You got it, buddy. What are you looking at, partner? What you got? I watched The Ninth Gate. Not sure if you've seen it. More of a thriller. I read the book. I really love the book. Oh, really? It's called Dumas, I believe it's called. Yeah, it's called Dumas.
Okay. And really enjoyed that. Maybe I'll look into that. This is a Johnny Depp fucking flick with Roman Flansky directing. Yeah, I've seen it. It's one of those ones where I want to like it, but I don't think it's that good. The movie, I think, is more of a horror movie than a book. Oh, okay. It's more of a mystery, but anyway. If you've seen it, you probably know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. What else we got? Oh, yeah. I got this script called Viral.
Viral. From 2016. Okay. It's really important that you remember 2016. No, I've seen it, dude. It's like a fucking COVID flick. Yeah, man. They get quarantine in their house. It's like four years before COVID, Mike. Yeah. Yeah, I see that. Pretty good, man. It's very interesting. Sure. It's kind of crazy. It's fucking off-the-wall fat shit at the end. Yeah, yeah. Towards the middle of it, you know, when you kind of figure it out. But I thought it was a good flick, man. I'd recommend it again.
2016 is kind of weird how I saw all of it coming before, I guess. Yeah, I get it. Anyway, hope all is well. Love you like family. Bye now. Love you too, Tom Hardy. Thanks for calling in, amigo. I liked Viral. I'm assuming we're thinking of the same movie. The one that I think you're talking about has the high school age girls and their parents are... Out of the house when the lockdown goes in place and they're stuck there by themselves. Decent show. You're right. Very foreboding, I guess.
prophesitic if that's a word i don't know uh very very cryptic and telling in a way uh especially since it's four years before covid like the movie the only thing i don't like didn't like about it was the easy out they took and that's when you know they do this they do this a lot and i could cite some prime examples but this is a good one um
You've got the two teenage girls quarantined in their house. The neighborhood, or I think they said the whole town, was surrounded by military and making sure nobody got in or out. Okay, great. But somehow... The two girls in the house managed to find the cure to the disease, or maybe it wasn't the cure, they like cracked the code of the disease.
that the military industrial complex with all their scientists and equipment couldn't figure out. I hate that, man. I hate it. That's an easy out. That's lazy fucking writing. Come on, really, the 16-year-old girl with her microscope, she's going to be the one that's going to crack the code. All these scientists and all these educated professionals, they couldn't figure out. But the 16-year-old girl?
With a microscope, she's the one. Come on. Come on. I think my... The biggest, like... example of that the one that really pissed me off the most i don't know if you guys remember but i think uh 2021 ish netflix released a resident evil series It only went one season, and I think the very first episode, maybe like a half an hour into the first episode, again...
Two teenage girls managed to somehow subvert and infiltrate a umbrella research facility that is maximum security, totally locked down, sterile place. They just kind of... you know, duck around some security guards and pop open one of those wall panel things and short circuit some shit and they walk right in. That was the first and only episode I watched of that fucking show. I really hate that shit, man. And I'm not saying that 16-year-old girls are incapable of doing such things.
All I'm saying is you've got to make it a little more believable than them just ducking around some security guards and hiding under a desk real quick. You know? Let's not be stupid with this. That's all I'm saying. I liked viral up until that part where the 16-year-old girl cracks the genetic code of the virus or whatever. you're being a little silly here okay all right my friends thank you very much uh lonely bob uh tom hardy allen and tim you guys are magnificent young men
That's all I got on the listener mail. I guess it is time for a movie. He desired something beyond love. I might make the new woman, Claveau, independent, free, and a fit companion for the genius of Frankenstein. He created something beyond woman. Beautiful. Where did I come from? She'll break a few hearts, will she not? Who is she, Charles? What is she? You must obey me! Sting. Jennifer Beals. The Bride.
know i was watching frankenstein the other day the original uh and i couldn't help but notice the lack of english dandies in that movie why is there not uh any more homoerotic or people waving handkerchiefs that's what that movie really needs oh thank god we have the bride from 1985 which is absolutely action-packed with English dandies. It got 5.4 stars on IMDb. It is written by Lloyd Ferovial and directed by Frank Roccalima.
Starring Sting, Jennifer Beals, and Clancy Brown. This one's rated PG-13. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's what that is. So this is basically a re...
I'm going to call it a reimagining of The Bride of Frankenstein. First off, this isn't a horror movie, so put that right out of your head. Second off... um i guess if anything we have to call it uh i guess it's a romance like a gothic romance but they they don't even really find each other until right before the end credits i guess it's okay all right i'm getting ahead of myself let's just let's just dial this back all right sting playing the dr frankenstein um clancy brown
you know him you love him uh he is frankenstein's monster okay now we all know what frankenstein's monster is supposed to look like and uh okay I'm not going to say I didn't like the movie. What I'm going to say is that this movie was not for me. And if you're listening to this podcast, it's probably not for you either. Because...
Like I said, man, there is not an ounce of horror in this. I got a body count of three in the whole goddamn movie. And one of them will make you want to cry because it's more sad than anything. All right, anyway.
We're in the laboratory. The laboratory is actually pretty cool. At the start of the movie, Sting is playing Dr. Frankenstein. So he's got his teased 1985 bleach blonde hair and his puffy... sleeves and his popped collar because I guess that was a thing and uh you know he's running around yelling at people in the lab as
We're stepping into this right in the onset of him reanimating the quote-unquote bride. Now, Clancy Brown is there. He is Frankenstein's monster, and he's already alive. And he's like restraint to a chair, but he's thrashing around. doing all that fun stuff uh he talks but not too much thank god Sting and his couple of assistant dudes are trying to get this chick reanimated. At this point, she's wrapped up like a mummy, and I feel like 99% of their special effects budget was...
put into this first five to ten minute sequence of her half-ass getting reanimated. So, I mean, the laboratory was really cool. It had like a whole... pendulum jammy and like a weird pulley system where sand was coming out of the ceiling and filling these bags to lift her up the you got the rainstorm outside we got to hit her with some fucking lightning right that's how we do it and it's
all very exciting and sting is yelling at people hey give me more sand and uh frankenstein is freaking out the monster um Unfortunately, the sand, I don't know, I think it was just a counterweight or something, but... The sand contraption malfunctions and they put too much sand in, which like shoots her up to the ceiling. And she's all wrapped up like a mummy, but I guess she got the necessary voltage. But then they couldn't get her back down because there was too much sand.
sand so she was stuck up there she got hit like three or four extra times with the lightning uh okay and uh sting is i should say dr frankenstein is freaking right out uh eventually he just cuts some ropes and then she kind of lower gets lowered back down uh but unfortunately the monster gets loose and starts kicking a bunch of equipment around which causes a massive fire um
At that point, they start unwrapping, well, the fire isn't, it's fairly contained at that point, but they unwrap the bride, and this is where we see Jennifer Beals as the Bride of Frankenstein. Okay, now, in case you thought you were still watching a horror movie, I can tell you right now, this is where I discovered that I was not, in fact, watching a horror movie. I was watching some kind of fucking...
Hallmark, or, yeah, probably tantamount to a Hallmark romance involving two reanimated corpses, I guess. Because they unwrap Jennifer Beals. she looks perfect she's screaming hot and there is like zero stitches uh her skin is the color of a human person's living human person's skin they have done absolutely nothing to her
to affirm to us in any possible way that she is a reanimated corpse. She pops up, she's like, with her perfectly teased hair, and she's like, huh? And they're like, oh, uh... okay unfortunately now the fire has kicked right up in this tower laboratory thing and now explosions are going around good news
uh dr frankenstein manages to get the bride out of there and then a bunch of equipment explodes and that's pretty scary stuff but he gets uh the bride up to his house where he like you know gets her on a couch and gets her covered up and stuff and uh the rest of the laboratory which is this tower place kind of collapses in and on itself and that's kind of fucked um
wake up the next morning all of his lab assistants are dead they all died in the fire uh we assume that the monster did also but of course that's not the case um wake up the next morning We find out that the bride, quote unquote, dude, she looks literally like she stepped right out of Flashdance into this movie. Get her some of those socks with the toes cut out.
You wouldn't know the difference, really. You got Sting right there, right? Who knows? But anyway, she wakes up. She's kind of catatonic, and she's walking around without any pants on. You can see. I think her ass could have been a stunt ass. I can't say for sure for a hot second there. And I think there was a quick Bush shot there too, as I recall.
She's terrified of fire, of course, and running around in the dark. Meanwhile, out in the neighboring forest, of course, Frankenstein's monster, played by Clancy Brown, did in fact survive. So he pops up and he's just like looking around the woods. He's all heartbroken because he thought that that was going to be his soon-to-be girlfriend.
He goes back to the ruins of the laboratory, and I think he thought that Dr. Frankenstein was dead also. Clearly, the bride was... somehow not there so he i think he assumed that she died so he just starts to like kind of walk around the woods and feel sorry for himself real sorry set of tits that guy all right back to uh uh dr frankenstein and the bride um well clearly clearly this reanimated corpse is hot so
At this point, we can write off any preconception we had about hooking her up with the monster, because I think she looks pretty good in my bed right about now, says Dr. Frankenstein. He gets his English dandy friends over, and they start smoking weed, and he's like, I seem to have found a girl, you see. She was catatonic on the road. I picked her up and brought her home. I will educate her. Hmm. And his dandy friend is like, oh, you don't say. Oh, my God. This is so...
1985 romance dude it's ridiculous um so from there from this point in the movie pretty much all the way till the closing credits we're gonna be hopping between these two storylines Frank out wandering, or I shouldn't call him Frank. Later on, they name him Victor, but right now he's just Frankenstein's monster.
wandering the woods and making friends and acquaintances and kind of going off on this adventure and uh here at the chateau or whatever the fuck this place is we have uh dr frankenstein um i i i think like half ass falling in love with the bride uh the bride uh developing into a full-on like uh intelligent woman with her own thoughts and ideas and still being screaming hot and like a weird love triangle thing that goes on there and that's just
what the fuck does any this is not a horror movie dude all right i'm sorry uh okay so very cool um so uh the monster is out wandering the woods and he I guess happens upon like what is a farmhouse with a road and what he finds on the road is a dwarf being harassed by a bunch of kids. uh they're all like poking him with sticks and he's like hey get the fuck out of here you assholes and they're like making fun of him and stuff and then the monster jumps out and he's like
and scares all the kids off. The dwarf, on the other hand, is like, I say, old boy, you're quite the sight for sore eyes. If you were of right mind, you could follow me to Budapest. Now... Those are his exact words. Yes, I'm not paraphrasing. And that's exactly where he wants to go is Budapest. So for that purpose, we have to assume that this movie is taking place somewhere in Romania. Okay, Romania, right? Yeah.
which is modern-day Transylvania. Yeah, you see where I'm going? Okay, fair enough. So the dwarf and the monster kind of strike up this friendship. The dwarf... clearly sees a need for the monster. You know, he could see how it would be helpful to him to have this big hulking half-tard following him around. At one point, the dwarf will meet this guy. His name is Rinaldo.
And he is a sweet dude. He's a good guy. I thought we were going in a gay direction for a minute or two, but we did not. At least not that they showed us. uh ronaldo's like hey old boy how about you uh pick me up and carry me to budapest and the monster just picks them up and they they just become master blaster from mad max beyond thunderdome um
but without all the cool helmets and stuff. And Ronaldo's not a prick like Master was. So off they go. And they're on their way to Budapest. The dwarf would like to, or Ronaldo, I should say. has big plans of going and joining a circus there. He's got like a showbiz act that he's going to put on. It's going to be great. The monster has really no idea. He's just...
Looking for somewhere to not be dead, I guess. So he's just going to follow along. Okay, very cool. Now we're going to cut back to the Chateau. And we're going to join... the bride, or as Dr. Frankenstein gives her the name of Eva, and her education, and her becoming a woman, and not just a half-tard corpse thing.
Although you would never know that she was ever a corpse, because she doesn't look anything at all like the original Bride of Frankenstein. So, for all intents and purposes, she's just a hot chick that doesn't know how to talk. Or do anything else, for that matter.
uh we get a lot of fun stuff of uh you know her trying to ride a horse and it just taking off and all that shit um dr frankenstein and his weird ambiguous dandy friend have like an ongoing bet that uh they they do a lot of dude i'm i'm telling well I'm not going to say these two were sucking each other's dicks, but it would not surprise me if there was like some kind of a subplot line about them making out behind the fireplace or at some point. I don't, I'm not judging. I'm just saying.
I think that English dandy parties in Romania circa the late 1800s were probably a lot of weird, orgiastic butt play. I think there was a lot of butt play involved and, I don't know, Renaissance era sexual liberation. Who knows, dude? We can't talk about history.
Because nobody knows for sure. All right. I'm going off on a rant here. Anyway, they have like an ongoing bet. So Victor – Dr. Frankenstein, I can't call him Victor because in a minute we're going to – ronaldo is going to name the monster victor and then that the frankenstein's monster will henceforth be known as victor and i think that was also dr frankenstein's name victor frankenstein but for now we're just going to call him the doctor Just call him Sting.
right uh staying in his little dandy buddy uh have like an ongoing bet that they make um about whether or not she the dandy wants uh the girl the bride eva to basically get the education of being a sex slave and just going to parties and getting turned out, I guess. the dot sting is like no no i'm gonna i'm gonna educate her to make her a strong independent woman and she'll be able to do everything a man can do okay i get that that's very cool but that's gonna backfire here in a minute
They play a weird game of stab the chicken, I guess. I don't know. I get it. There was no high-speed internet back then, so you had to come up with ways to keep yourself occupied. Basically, they get on their horses with swords, and then one guy... Like one of the servants takes a chicken and dangles it from a string from a tree, and whoever can get to the chicken and kill it first with the sword...
So it's like a high-speed race with swordplay and one hapless chicken that's just fucking there trying to get out of this weird string apparatus. Anyway, it's kind of chauvinistic, this bet they have going on. You know, it's got to move the story along a little bit, which is great. Now we're going to cut back to the monster. Ronaldo gives him the name Victor because, you know, you need a Victor. They come up with all, they do like a buddy cop.
buddy road trip thing here. They've got all kinds of schemes. They steal a different chicken at one point and cook it and eat it. Very nice. They rob a church. using Ronaldo like a, they put Ronaldo in a backpack, and then Victor walks in and Axel lost.
and then he backs up wearing the backpack to the collection plate, and then Ronaldo cuts a hole in the backpack and steals all the money out of the collection plate while Victor keeps the priest busy. That's kind of a... scummy fucking thing to do but you know you're you're a highwayman whatever that means i don't know you're a you're a rapscallion you son of a bitch
stealing from churches you can't you can't do that with your reanimated corpse um all right well that's funny and as you'll notice inmates if you actually take the time to watch this one hour and 50 minute movie clancy brown as the movie goes on gets uh Less and less monstrous and more and more good looking. I don't know if anybody else noticed that but me. Now he's like doing more than grunting. He can say like, thank you. Okay. Things like that.
And like the scars that he had at the beginning of the movie are no longer as scarred. I mean, he's still ugly and he's got like gray skin, but he's passing for a not. reanimated corpse i guess and ronaldo doesn't seem to mind so good for him and good for them having their little buddy adventure that's that's good times um now we're going to cut back to um eva and her quote-unquote education there at the Chateau.
um she's now talking and carrying on conversations she's reading a lot of books which is great i guess he taught her how to read which is pretty a pretty cool thing so he decides to take her to a what appeared to be a society party of some sort. I don't know what Romanian propriety looked like in the 1800s, but it looked to me... Like, uh, there was an old lady who was like the town fucking spinster or something. She had like a much younger harem of dudes.
that I presume were fondling her in off hours or... Hopefully not all at the same time. I don't know how that would work. Maybe they had to do rock, paper, scissors to figure out who was going to fondle the old lady that night. I don't know, dude. Again, history. We can only guess. that'll be my next podcast weird sex weird sex history with darian all right i don't know man but that that's how these um
I guess society parties work. She sits in the chair and everybody fawns over her, the old lady, and then Victor shows up with his new quote-unquote lady friend, Eva. the reanimated corpse uh eva goes in there and starts prancing around and you know takes oh meet my friend eva and eva's like Oh, how do you do? And the old lady's like, Oh, you are a delight. While she's there, though, Eva is probably the hottest chick in the place. She catches the eye.
She catches the eye, inmates, of an English gentleman played by none other than a probably 25-year-old Carrie Elwes. Now. This is going to be a problem. This is the Princess Bride himself, the Dread Pirate Robinson. He has the perfect English accent. And if it wasn't for Robin Hood Men in Tights, we would probably still be talking about him and his lustrous film career.
But circa 1985, if Cary Elwes wants to dick down your wife, he's going to do it. There ain't a whole lot you can do about it because he's got that fucking English accent, that perfect jawline, and that... Blonde hair, blue eyed thing going on, dude. So, Eva the Monster spots Carrie Elwes.
Carrie Elwiz gives her, like, a knowing nod, like, mmm, hello there. And, uh, yeah, from there on, it's gonna go down, dude. Ain't nothing you can do, Dr. Frankenstein. You're about to get Elwiz'd, and that's gonna happen, so... Best just to let that go. And that's what's going to happen anyway. Back to the society party. A cat hisses at Eva, and she freaks right the fuck out and starts yelling at the cat. Starts screaming at the cat. Ah! Cat! Ah!
Cat takes off running and everybody else is going, what in the fuck is wrong with her? Carrie always didn't mind, though, because she had a tight body on her. Dr. Frankenstein Sting gets her the hell out of there quick, and he's like, what the shit were you doing in there? You...
uh, we went over this, and I told you specifically not to scream at the cat. And she's like, well, I'm sorry, I've never seen a cat before, and it hissed at me. I took it as a threat. And he's like, okay, back to the classroom, and then back to the dungeon they go. Cut back to the monster, dude. Victor Frankenstein and his traveling companion, Renardo. They have made it to Budapest and they are seeing the sights of the city.
Ronaldo gets him a couple of candy apples, but drops them when he kind of gets lost in the crowd. He finds Victor watching a puppet show and having the time of his life. And eventually, they make their way to the circus, carnival, whatever it is, there in Budapest. They get there, and the prick that owns the circus is like, I don't want any dwarves on my show. I had dwarves in... a couple towns ago, and they all got booed off the stage. Nobody wants dwarves. They're fucking irritating.
and rinaldo's like well will you just give me a chance to show you my act and he's like no i don't want any dwarves and he's like well okay hold on you don't want any dwarves i get that you don't need to hire me but check my friend out here This guy, he can move stuff. He can fucking hammer in your tent stakes for you. He can do all kinds of manual labor. He doesn't ask questions. He just does what he's told. And it's going to be awesome. And the guy's like, oh, he doesn't look like much. So.
He takes him out there and Victor hammers in a tent stake for him. And he's like, whoa, that guy's super strong. Yeah, okay, great. So... He hires Ronaldo and Victor, but he's only going to pay them the wage of one employee, and they have to split it because this guy's a scumbag, this circus owner. He's a fuckface. In the meantime, Ronaldo gets to audition his act for him, which is...
It's okay. It's a trapeze act. He gets up on a trapeze and then he complains about how scared he is. And then he falls off the trapeze. But while he was up there, he rigged up a safety harness so that when he falls, he like swings out over the crowd. and everybody goes oh and then he comes back down and he's fine so that's his big act um and he's like okay you could try it on the crowd whatever all right great
Glad you're enjoying yourself there. Now we're going to cut back to the Chateau, ladies and gentlemen, where... Eva has been a naughty girl. Now we're having a masquerade dandy party here at the Chateau. And it's just absolutely delightful. Everybody's very excited about a new snow globe.
That has just come out and can't get enough of that snow globe. We're going to have to pass it around. There's about 93 of us in this ballroom. And one snow globe to go around. Fucking shit. This is the worst party ever. Everybody's dancing and having a great time. Again, again, Cary Elwes is on the scene. I don't know why you invited him.
dude don't invite him to your masquerade party he's gonna dick down everybody's wife and you're not gonna all right but you did it you did it dr frankenstein he's there and he's on the scene and in all this confusion um First off, his little weird ambiguous gay partner friend like grabs a random debutante and goes and sucks her boobies. in the hallway all right i was pretty sure he was gay but i'm not saying that that that's not a static anymore so
You can be gay and still fondle a young lady's breasts. And that's the one and only nipple we get in the whole movie right there. He walks past her and he's like, hey, where's Eva? I don't know. She went that way. And eventually, Dr. Frankenstein comes around the corner and finds Eva laying on a couch. Carrie Elwes sitting like... Next to her in a weird way and kissing her hand. Oh, shit. Now, I guess this is what passed for pornography.
in the 1800s you know acting inappropriately on a couch with some hand kissing uh the doctor sees it but he chooses not to say anything instead he kind of goes voyeur on it and like dips back into the shadows but keeps watching
I don't know if the implication is that Kerry Elwes banged her. I like to think so. Well, we'll get more into that in a second when they actually do get caught. But for this... intense in purpose we have to assume that there is some kind of romantic affair uh happening between carrie elwes and eva and uh dr frankenstein is not happy about that
he keeps like treating her like some kind of a medical curiosity like this is his grand experiment and you know this is simply scientific but then he gets all butthurt when Carrie Elwes shows her his penis so there's that i mean you know you gotta you gotta make some what are you doing if you want to tell her that you love her then do that and then you cannot be all pent up about it
And if not, you should probably just tell her to go off with Carrie there, because it turns out, well, okay, we'll get more into that, but there's more to Carrie Elwes in this equation. There always is, isn't there? All right, anyway.
uh that that's great now we're going to cut back to our uh budapest circus which is the name of my third album by the way it's uh available on spotify if anybody gives a shit um we have ronaldo performing his act uh victor is there and he's like creeping around you know making sure all the the tent stakes are in he sees ronaldo up on the trapeze and he's like oh no no no no and he goes running
out there and he's like oh no you're gonna fall no no and the crowd is going crazy because they they i mean obviously Victor doesn't know about the safety harness and Ronaldo's up there going oh I think I'm gonna fall I'm so scared he's like no no no no and he's gonna catch him because that's his friend and then Ronaldo jumps and then he swings out and then Frank Victor realizes it's a gag, and the crowd goes absolutely batshit crazy.
because you know they think that this poor simpleton is trying to save somebody and uh actually it's actually kind of cruel now that you think about now that i say it like that but um That's what happens, and the crowd goes crazy. So now they are incorporating Victor into Ronaldo's act.
when Ronaldo goes out there, Victor dresses up like an old lady, and he goes out there, oh, that's my baby, my baby, oh, and then he freaks out, and then Ronaldo swings back in, and he catches him, and everybody lives and gets more money.
so now though ronaldo has like a bargaining chip he's like hey you see that everybody love that fun little number there he goes and talks to the owner of the circus and renegotiates for um full pay uh so they both get paid you know regular wages which is great um now Victor at this point in the movie Victor the Frankenstein's monster has come a long way um he is much better looking no more stitches um still
Has like a grayish tint to him. His hair is growing back in. Wonderful. He's getting some money, so he's buying some decent clothes. He's not running around in rags anymore. And things are looking up. Him and Ronaldo are very close. And at one point during this weird coming-of-age buddy travel drama, they sit down at a fire and, you know... Ronaldo's like...
Oh, you know, I was made to be a star. Once we're done here, we're off to Vienna where we're going to live like royalty and we're going to have the best food and eat at the best restaurants and drink and we're going to go to the best brothels. It's going to be awesome. And Frank is like, mm-hmm, er.
Victor is like, and Ronaldo's like, what are you going to do with all your money and your stardom? And he's like, oh, beautiful woman. And he's like, well, you find yourself a beautiful woman and you fall in love there, big fella. And, you know, everybody's happy. Well, I mean, they're not, they're bonding, I guess, and they're happy together, so God bless them. Now we cut back to the chateau. How many times can I say chateau? Things are escalating between Eva and Carrie Elwes. At this point...
Yeah, Cary Elwes comes to visit his fair maiden. And this time, Dr. Frankenstein does catch them in a state of undress. And he goes in there and starts hitting Cary Elwes with a stick. And Eva's like, hey! How about some privacy here, man? You don't own me. You can't tell me who I can and cannot have sex with. And he's like, that's not ladylike. And then Carrie Elwes is like, look, hey, doctor, I don't really care. I just this.
She doesn't mean all that much to me. I don't know if you guys are dating. I'll just get my clothes on and get the fuck out of here. And you can see Eva's all hurt because she was... Had feelings for Cary Elwes? Cary Elwes, man, he is not going to let you down soft, okay? Even with that, you would think with that accent he would be a gentleman about it, but no, he's going to tell you that you ain't shit and he's off to the next bad bitch.
Cary Elwes gets his clothes on and takes off. I think they had achieved penetration. I could be wrong. Here comes a big knock-down, drag-out argument between Dr. Frankenstein. And Eva, and she's like, you don't know me. You didn't build me. You just found me on the side of the road. And he's like, oh, no, dear. I did in fact.
build you and i made you in the laboratory and then he takes her to the ruins of the laboratory and he basically explains to her that the whole he tells her the whole truth man hey you were dead
And I built you out of parts that I found for my other dead guy. You were going to be his wife. And that's that. And at this point now, okay, so this is when we get our... fucking panties wet over this romance situation because um what we have to assume dear inmates is that there is some romantic albeit invisible bond between Victor and Eva. Right? Because they were technically, quote unquote, made for each other. So I guess that makes sense. Good for them.
as dr frankenstein is telling all this shit to eva her i think the implication was that her heart was breaking and she's like gasping grasping her chest and falling to a knee and they're in the ruins of the old laboratory Apparently nobody felt the need to clean any of that shit up. And her heart is breaking, and as it's breaking, we cut to Victor at the Budapest Circus, who all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, gets really sad and starts crying.
Okay, excellent. That sucks for him because he doesn't even know why. All right, so now she knows the truth. She knows that she's a reanimated corpse and there is somebody out there made for her. But Dr. Frankenstein tells her... that the monster was burned up in the fire and he's just ashes and dust. So that also has something to do with why her heart's breaking. Okay, great. That sucks. But now she knows. And she feels even more like an outsider now. But clearly...
Carrie Elwes ain't going to mess around with her anymore because if he does, he's going to get hit with a stick by Dr. Frankenstein. So, okay. Goodbye, Carrie Elwes. Missed that guy already. Okay. Cut back to the Budapest Circus. The owner of the circus is really sick and tired of having to pay both Victor and Ronaldo because... Even though he's making all kinds of money, he's looking to cut corners. And I think he was some kind of racist against dwarfs.
i don't know i don't know if that's actually a thing i know buddy doesn't like he's like terrified of of uh dwarfs but you know that's buddy he's a weirdo um So he basically tells him that, he tells his weirdo henchman with the Patrick Swayze hair, hey, what I'm going to do, what I want you to do is, uh...
make it so Ronaldo can't perform and then I won't have to pay him and then I'll just pay Victor um and you know Ronaldo could tag along but I won't have to pay him anymore because he won't be able to perform right okay yeah sure so we we all i we all had to know this was coming ronaldo goes up does his routine again but this time the fuck face with the switchblade cut the harness so uh
Victor runs out there and starts doing his, oh, my baby, my baby. The crowd is going wild, and then Ronaldo falls off the trapeze, but this time, instead of swinging back, He just does a face plant right into the bleachers, and that sucks. Victor grabs him and takes him out of the tent, and he's like, oh, no, no, no, no.
And Ronaldo's like, oh, Victor, go find that woman you love. We're not going to make it to Vienna. And then he gives Victor his gold necklace thing, and then Ronaldo dies. And it's very sad. But now, because Victor's heart is breaking, we're going to cut to Ava back at the Chateau. Who inexplicably in her bed at night just starts bawling her eyes out. Well, so is Victor here at the Budapest Circus. All right. That sucks, man. While Victor is there looking around.
asshat with the switchblade goes into victor's caravan and ransacks the place looking for the hiding place where victor and rinaldo were saving all their money as the guy's leaving victor sees him leave then he goes in into the uh caravan and sees his place is trash so he's like that motherfucker follows him to the owner's caravan where he overhears the conversation about hey i didn't tell you to kill him i just told you to hurt him and so victor's like oh you
two asshats killed ronaldo you cocksuckers so he tips their whole caravan over and then when the dick bag with the switchblade comes out victor does like a scoop slam onto a random um pike that was just hanging outside of the tiger's cage and impales the guy with the uh uh switchblade um
After that, all the circus workers come out and Victor just kind of runs off into the night with whatever shit he could find out of his own caravan. He's got a pretty good stash of money on him though, so that's cool.
Off he goes, off into the woods of Romania to... start a new life i guess without ronaldo and that really sucks for him and again eva inexplicably and for no apparent reason is crying in her bed as if to show us that there is some unseen bond between these star-crossed lovers that never actually met each other all right excellent that's good times Uh, now Eva has adjusted to her new single life being, um, Sting's undead fuck toy or whatever she is. And, uh, I think.
And he just kind of broke down and said, okay, we need to get married because I can't have you messing around with Carrie Elwes anymore. And people are starting to ask questions about why we're not married.
possibly gay friend is getting pretty curious too so let's go ahead and get married so they've got a wedding planned excellent um she goes off horse riding one day and happens upon uh victor who's just taking a nap in the woods and she pulls up on her horse and she's like hey man what you doing sleeping in the woods and he's like oh beautiful lady i just go
I just go in the woods. And she's like, oh, well, you're clearly a hobo. Let me give you some money. And, like, she hands him some coins. And he's like, no, I got money. But she hands him some coins anyway. So, like, for a second, we get that. uh late 80s falling in love uh situation where their hands touch and i don't know there's like some kind of an electrical fucking charge or so i don't i don't know i don't know what happens
But their hands touch for a second and then they both stare at each other for another second. And then Victor is like, OK, I go. And then she gets back on her horse. But you can tell because like every 10 steps they both. turn around and look at each other again, and then they just get farther and farther apart, and then eventually they've gone their separate ways. Okay, excellent. Right on. Well, that kind of sucks. You'd think they could have at least exchanged names or something. But...
Victor is like, oh, beautiful lady. So he's like, okay, I'm going to, you know what? This is my shot. And he like has a little flashback about Ronaldo telling him to go find a beautiful woman. So he's like, yeah, let's go. I'm going to do this. He happens upon a guy selling.
junk I think I don't know I don't know what this guy's job was but he had a caravan full of junk and Victor rolls up and he's like oh present for lady friend so the guy is like oh yeah dude i got whatever you want man i got jewelry i got scarves i got silks linens you tell me man let's do some business um Basically, he sells Victor some...
fake ass jewelry um the victor tries to pay way too much for it he's going to give the guy all of his money but then the guy has a heart and he's like bro no i just need like just give me like 10 bucks and he gives victor the rest of his money back So Victor's like, okay, I give gift to a lady. Cut back to the chateau. I guess Eva's getting ready for her wedding, like she's trying on dresses. And she gets like this big banging.
uh fucking necklace it's like solid diamonds or something like that uh victor rolls up outside i guess he just knows where she is so he scales the outside of the chateau which is basically a castle and peeps in her window as she's trying in on all these dresses not like in a beat off kind of a way but in a weird uh like just you know just happened to be there but but but it is like five stories off the ground so it's not like you were casually walking by there
Victor, you put some effort into this, and how about you try knocking on the door, you fucking pervo? She's trying on all these dresses, and Victor sees her put the big banging necklace on, and then he looks at his fake-ass thing that he bought from the guy on the road. and he's like i am paraphrasing a lot of the sounds that clancy brown made in this movie but it sounded a lot like
Should get my son in here. He loves making stupid noises. He's like, oh, well, I can't compete with that fucking necklace. She's living in a goddamn castle. She's got some hunky stud in there who's rich, obviously. Look at her fucking clothes. And I roll up with my pervy action, climbing up the window, and my fake-ass jewelry necklace thing. I don't understand it.
fucking chance with this broad so he's like starts he climbs down the wall and then he gets all butthurt and he takes his um fake necklace and he throws it in the in the pond or whatever and he starts walking off and uh yeah that uh that sucks uh cut back to the the chateau itself um eva asks the doc she tells dr frankenstein that she ran into this ugly guy but on the road but he kind of you know that she felt like a weird connection like she'd seen him before and the the doctor's like well like
Did he look like he was a jigsaw puzzle that was kind of hastily put together with the wrong pieces? And she's like, no, no, he's not attractive, but I mean... Kind of felt like we had something there for a second. So now the doctor's all fired off and they get into another big argument. And this time she's like, you know what?
Fuck you. I'm not marrying you. So kiss my ass. And by the way, I'm going to roll the fuck right out of this chateau because I've had about enough of your shit. You can't control me. She starts throwing books at him and stuff, and then he gets all pissed off, and he starts slapping her around.
Yeah. Now we cut back to Victor, who's like half a block away, and he's feeling all the pain of her getting slapped around. So he's like... He's just like a little off-put by it, but at the same time, this is when all... the carnival workers finally catch up to him and we get like a somewhat of a nod to the original with the lynch mob and they're chasing him through the streets with torches and stuff uh he gets lost in this chateau fucking compound uh eventually like has to like
break into the chateau to get away from the goddamn lynch mob. As that's happening, he happens upon Eva getting the shit kicked out of her by Dr. Frankenstein. So, make a long story short, a lot of... ridiculous action here uh victor throws dr frankenstein off the roof of the chateau and uh that's pretty much the end of your movie after that eva and victor kind of stare at each other
And then I think the implication was that they went on some kind of a romantic getaway. Because during the closing credits, we get like the sunset over the Venetian canals, I think. I think they were the Venetians. It might have just been a random beach. I couldn't really tell. But I think that was what they were trying to tell us is that these two live happily ever after. Okay. All right.
There you have it. Well, that's the end of your movie. That's The Bride from 1985. This would have been a good movie to take a date to. If you're, well, you're going to get laid if she's into you. But you're probably going to get laid if she's into you, if you took her to see Top Gun. or any other movie for that matter. It's a gothic romance. It has very little to do with the original Bride of Frankenstein. There is zero horror element to this at all.
um you feel i mean we we always kind of felt bad for the monster right he didn't ask to be reanimated and like Even in later iterations of it, he was always more of a sympathetic character, even though he ran through the village and killed that little girl and stuff. I don't know. I love Clancy Brown.
He wasn't scary, dude. There's nothing scary about this movie at all. Jennifer Beals... hot but they did nothing at all to sell her as a reanimated corpse and i get that you can only go so far with that before she becomes unbangable and then you say well why doesn't sting just kick her out in the woods There is that too. So to me, it's not a movie for me. It's not a movie for horror fans, I don't think. This one probably would have hit pretty hard with the Twilight group.
Except it's too old, so there's that. I don't know, man. I found it on Amazon. If you want to check it out, go right ahead. Hour and 15 minutes of... weird adventures and these two monsters not falling in love with each other the original correct me if i'm wrong was much more tragic was it not um it's been a while since i've seen the bride um
But I believe, you know, they kind of kill each other at the end under the assumption that there's that iconic quote, we belong dead. Right? Not vacationing in Venice. I don't understand that. All right. Maybe the studio wanted a rosier ending. I don't know. I've talked about The Bride long enough. Let me take myself a little break here. I'll come back with some other stuff, dudes.
Hey, inmates. If you like what you hear, head over to the Padded Room Facebook group and support us through the patron link with a small monthly donation. Check out the T-Villain link at paddedroom.podbean.com and grab some t-shirts. Thanks for listening and enjoy the rest of the show. And I am back, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, yes, yes. Well, that was it. Ahem.
Excuse me, that was Frankenstein month. What did you guys think of that? You like that shit? Yeah, it was okay. I'm not a huge Frankenstein guy. I know some of our listeners out there are... Frankensteinian scholars and super fans. If I had to pick a favorite, I would probably, out of the movies we did, I would probably go with Frankenstein's Army, right? I thought that was the best. Frankenhooker is always a good time.
Good time. I don't think I will ever understand Dracula vs. Frankenstein and that nonsense. Bright, a little too soapy for me, but other than that... I've got to go with Frankenstein's Army. Join me starting next month. We're jumping right into Cannibal Month. We're going to kick things off with lowlifes. I'm going to be honest with you, inmates. I've never seen any of these movies that I've got prepared for you.
I can't say for sure that any of them are actually cannibal movies, but I think Low Life's is. We're going to start there with that one, and we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, though, I think it's time for the Terror Dome. No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering. I'm not gonna hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence.
I said, I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash them right the fuck in. I'll kill you all. Try to be crazy. I'll kill you all. This dream come true. Six-year-old child with this blind, pale, emotional space. The blackest eyes. The devil, son. Welcome to the Terradome. First last week's winner. Singles competition out of the Asylum Conference. We had Candyman versus Pennywise the Clown.
It had been weeks since the children had been seen alive. No bodies, no clues, not a single shred of evidence. Not until the great cloud of bees emerged from the sewers beneath Derry. Sanitation workers would find the bodies there in the intake plant along with the body of something else, ripped groin to gullet, with a vote of 7-0. Wow, that's a blowout.
Candyman advances over Pennywise the clown. Yeah, I think the timing was right. I don't see how Candyman gets scared of Pennywise. And if you're not scared of Pennywise, he can't do shit to you, right? So there's that, man. Let's take a look at this week's matchup. We are in the Asylum Conference Round 11. As usual, inmates, bear with me. I'm not very good at writing these.
The rural landscape of Romania is usually a quiet and peaceful place, sprinkled with old villages and even older ruins from medieval battles. It's an easy life for a vampire. Radu's domain was small, but it was his. His long-dead father's castle ruins, the handful of small village communities, and the occasional curious tourist. His for an eternity. Until the night of the impact.
A meteoric strike leaving sludge-like debris and a curious orb in the middle. Then came the scientists and the military personnel. More attention that Radu wanted, but for easy feeding. Bodies began to stack up that Radu can't account for. Some torn to shreds, others burnt with mysterious chemicals, some with large holes in their chests, almost as if there was something inside them that burst forth.
The killing had to stop or Radu's very existence could be compromised. Singles competition, we have Radu the Vampire from Subspecies versus the Xenomorph from Aliens. I gotta go with the Xenomorph on this one, dude. I don't... I mean, the only way I see Radu winning this is if he can somehow... I don't know. I don't think he can. Now that I...
I think I talked myself out of that one. I don't think he wins this at all. I'm taking the xenomorph on this one, inmates. Get with me next week. Get me your votes by next week if you can. The mental health hotline is area code 775-387-0275. Or just head on over to paddedroompodcast.com and get me your answer that way. Hit the TerraDome link and it's right there for you. Booyah! Just that easy.
While you're contemplating that matchup, though, I've got to tell you what movies I got to watch this week in a little segment called What Are You Looking At? Fuckface. What are you looking at? I only got one movie in this week, and it is The Crow from 2023.
The new one, the new crow. Oh boy, where do I start with this thing? I'm going to tell you right now, I liked it. Okay, I'm going to give it a thumbs up. But, you got to know where... getting into with this all right first let's talk for a minute about the original crow good show but like a lot of us it caught us at the right time i.e uh what was i 15 16 17 maybe in that area years old so for what it is which is a kung fu movie set in gotham city
with a immortal protagonist, it's great, right? It's a rape revenge movie all about killing off these fuckers that raped and murdered your girlfriend. Okay, I'm down with that. Love that about it. And I'm not saying anything bad about the original Crow. I'm talking about the new one. Now, the new one, I feel, is a remake. And I feel that it is a remake.
made with the intention of um okay bear with me on bear with me on this i feel like it is a remake made with the intention of recapturing the same audience but 15 years later hang out with me on this okay we're not 14 and 15 year olds anymore
Most of us still like a good kung fu movie with lots of, you know, drug addicts getting their heads blown off and stuff like that. That's all well and good, but to try to remake that movie with... the same pacing and vibe you're not you're not going to capture the same odd the same people that are now 30 years older has it really been 30 years
Fucking A it has. It's been 30 years since the original Crow came out. You're not going to capture that same group with the same movie. You know what I mean? Dude, they tried. Have you seen City of Angels? It's not very good. Wicked Prayer is dog shit. And what was the other one? Salvation? Looks like a USA movie. Okay?
So before anybody gets their panties in a bunch about this Crow not living up to the original, I'm going to tell you right now, none of the Crow movies have lived up to the original. But I feel like this one did, and let me explain.
The Crow, at its... Okay, any rape revenge... Well, I shouldn't say any rape revenge movie. Any rape revenge movie where a husband or boyfriend is avenging the death of their raped and murdered... spouse is at its heart a love story okay so that being said it's all about revenge sure and it's all about quote unquote making the wrong things right in this iteration of it You don't get to the revenge part until, like, at least a good 40 minutes into the movie. Now...
I get that. You don't want to see two dipshit kids fall in love. I understand that completely. And for the purposes of a Crow movie, you... probably shouldn't have to but at the same time it is part of the story and i'm not gonna go full geek tard on you and tell you about the james obar comic book but i will tell you that
At its base core, that comic book was always a love story. It had very little to do with Eric Draven... uh you know smashing the heads in of these people that killed his girlfriend it had more to do with him lamenting the loss of said girlfriend and i feel Like, in the spirit of the original comic book, this one stayed much more firmly in that place. James O'Barr never wanted Brandon Lee to be Eric Draven. He didn't want a kung fu movie. He wanted a love movie.
Now, I was never that big of a fan of the Crow comic books. They felt kind of adolescent to me and a little soapy too at times, but it's fine. It is what it is. But...
For the purposes of this movie, the 2023 Skarsgård Crow, I feel like this one was much closer to the source material. I feel like as a movie, like a... a visual visually impactful film i will say i enjoyed this one more than the original i love don't get me wrong i love the original i love that gotham city vibe I love the organized crime situation and the whole reason for Eric and Shelley being kicked out of the apartment.
It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it kind of does enough to let you just not think about it or worry about it. You know what I mean? Why are they burning down abandoned buildings? Why would any company insure those abandoned buildings? and then pay out these giant lumps of cash on Devil's Night. It doesn't fucking matter. Stop thinking about it. Okay?
If you can put that aside, then you can put aside Danny Houston as a guy that made a deal with the devil and can now do supernatural things that that has to be made right. Okay? So... I know a lot of you guys haven't seen this, but I don't want to ruin it anymore for you. I'm gay for Danny Houston. Anything that that guy's in, I love immediately. 30 days a night.
Certain seasons of American Horror Story. X2. Or no. Not X2 had Brian Cox in it. I'm thinking of the other one. X-Men Origins Wolverine. He played Colonel Stryker. I love that guy. He's great. And he makes a great villain, too, especially like a boss-type villain, not village. I'm going to tell you I dug it, okay? If you're expecting a Kung Fu shoot-em-up, you will get some of that, but not nearly in the scope or the degree.
that the original offered it to us. There's a kick-ass soundtrack behind this one. Probably not as good as the original, but at the same time, music tastes have changed over the years, so that's a whole other thing, too. I'm going to tell you to check it out. I'm going to tell you to check it out. I think you're probably not going to like it as much as the original, but I think you will dig parts of it. The big, there's an opera, like a...
You know what? I'm not going to give it away. But there's like a very artistically done crescendo to the film. And it is operatic. And I'll just leave it at that. You'll figure it out when you watch it. Let me know what you think. I'm interested if anybody else has seen this. Okay, enough about that. That's all I'm looking at this week. How about a little immersion therapy, shall we? Immersion Therapy Did anybody else get a chance to check out Creeping Death from 2024?
Oh, this one's a poop fest. It is poo-poo. You know it's not a good sign. when there is a lot of so clearly the writer director slash star of this movie has his own clothing line and it becomes very prominently displayed because everybody is wearing a t-shirt with his last name on it, like in a fun, artistic kind of a way. I see what you're doing there, Matt Samperi, Samperi, whatever your name is. I'm still not going to buy your fucking t-shirt, bro. I'm not.
and this movie is not very good um there were low budget as shit i'll give you that uh there were some things that were interesting Trying a little too hard to tug on the heartstrings. And I don't appreciate that, okay? You're not really selling me on the mom with cancer. This, to me, felt like if... Remember the barn in The Barn 2?
It's pretty much the same movie, just with a bigger budget and lacking a lot of the things that we loved about The Barn and The Barn 2. this is uh i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you to to pass on the creeping death because it's not very good But you might find some t-shirts you like, and I'm sure you go to probably some website and buy the Sam Perry t-shirts.
look kind of douchey to me but that's just i'm not known for my clothing taste so there's that uh let's see what do we got this week Your immersion therapy for this week is going to be Thine Ears Shall Bleed from 2024, starring Andrew Hovelson and Hannah Cable, directed by Ben Bigelow. Find this bad guy on Tubi Inmates. Check that shit out. We'll do the same and we can compare notes next week. But now it is time for a round of Who's Yo Daddy?
Who is daddy? First, my clues from last week. Well, I am a pissed off 16 year old that was just forced to move away from my friends at my school. And my mom is being a bit of a snatch about it. And I don't appreciate that at all. So I'm going to get even. I'm going to do a black magic ritual and summon a demon. And that should take care of that.
Boy, I hope that fucking thing doesn't kill my mom. Assume her body and then start fucking with me because that's bad business, of course. I am Pywhacket.
that's a pretty good show man i like that as far as witches go and witchcrafty uh witchcraft you know what i mean that one i i feel like that was a pretty good somewhat representation of what that might look like if any of these dipshit kids actually did in fact pull off a black magic ritual and summon a demon i like to think it would go down similarly to that because
don't even just don't even all right quit fucking around with that stuff who might i be this week you ask good question well i am um I am what's known as a rescue technician, okay? I am the lifesaver and the heartbreaker. I bet you guys already know. who the fuck i am but i'm gonna give you the clues anyway you sons of bitches um turns out a vessel was lost a long time ago and uh
Had some experimental technology on it, son of a bitch. And we all just kind of wrote it off as gone in the wind, as they say. And then out of nowhere... About 40, 50 years after the goddamn thing lost, it started pinging distress signals. So now me and my crew are going to go to the vessel and find out if there's any survivors, who's on it, what's going on.
And hopefully, maybe, bring the goddamn thing back and we can study the technology and find out what the shit happened and where this goddamn thing has been for the last 40, 50 years. Right? Oh boy, I'm sure it's going to work out just like I just said, because it always does in horror movies. All right, inmates, tune in next week and I'll drop some knowledge on you. You got to know, that's an easy one, dude. That's a layup if ever there was one.
Join me next week for Low Lifes, kicking off Cannibal Month here in the padded room. I've got some big ideas about what I'm going to do next year. I got like a whole... 52-week format lined up, but I'm going to drop some... possible easter eggs about what the hell i'm planning for next year next week i'm gonna want to get your guys's opinions on it so stay tuned for that uh on next week's show but um
In the meantime, I think that's about going to do it for me. Join me next week for Low Lives. I don't know if anybody's going to be here or not. I don't care anymore. You know what? I have not seen any of these cannibal movies, so I'm not even 100% sure that they are cannibal movies, but they did pop up on a cannibal movie list.
Those lists can be full of shit. So there's that also. Anyway, next week for Low Lives, kicking off Cannibal Month. Thank you again very much for joining me. As usual, like, comment, subscribe wherever you heard this show. That helps the visibility quite a bit. Do you have a Patreon campaign running? Just take care.
Take your ass over to paddedroompodcast.com. Hit the old link right there. I'll send you some shirts, mugs, whatever the hell you need. And that's about it, dude. So for Buddy and Absentia, Chuck and Absentia. uh fucking reanimated corpses and the the love and the romance and the teased hair
and the English dandies that they get themselves involved with. God damn it, they didn't ask for any of that shit. Maybe some of them just wanted to stay dead. Did you ever think about that there, Herr Frankenstein? And the Padded Room Podcast. I'm afraid visiting hours are over.