The Offensive

An award-winning, critically acclaimed mockumentary podcast that follows fictional Premier League club Ashwood City FC.

'The Thick of it meets Fifa career mode - a must listen for football fans' - The Guardian

'Ultra-sharp satire' - GQ

This podcast is a serial, begin at Episode 1.

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Last refreshed: July 8th, 2025 at 11:41 PM ⓘ

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Episodes

Episode 013: Battle of the Bastards

As Ashwood City combat a supporter protest during a game where both home and away fans have been banned; Woody is entering his third week of suspension, and is looking to make a comeback. Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Additional voices: Omari Douglas Sam Hallahan Luke Stevenson Oliver Dowling Simon Shaw Rhys Tees Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited by: Adam Jarrell Executive Producer: Joel Emery WARNING...

Nov 11, 2018•22 min•Season 1Ep. 13

Episode 012: Snakes on a Train

As the scandal deepens and FA investigations continue, Head of Ethics: Benedict Rice, along with Chief Executive Patrick Nolan and the Vice Head of Football Operations Nick Bernardi have accompanied the playing staff aboard the train to Newcastle, as a show of solidarity for their upcoming fixture. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Sam Hallahan as Nick 'The Prick' Bernardi Oliver Dowling as Benedict Rice Additional voices: Joel Emery Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited by...

Nov 04, 2018•23 min•Season 1Ep. 12

Episode 011: Boats on a Scandal

During the height of the media storm following The Portsmouth Matter, Ashwood face Cardiff City on the pitch and an FA investigation off it, courtesy of the new Ashwood City Director of Ethics; Benedict Rice. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Oliver Dowling as Benedict Rice Additional voices: Omari Douglas Rachel Summers Jo Price Lucy-Jane Quinlan Dean Kilbey Joel Emery Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited b...

Oct 28, 2018•23 min•Season 1Ep. 11

Episode 010: Lost in Translation

Ashwood City travel to Burnley after a disastrous and perplexing opening press conference for the new Head Coach; Felix Grosjean. The match takes a turn for the worse after a bust-up in the tunnel between Felix and Burnley manager Sean Dyche. Ashwood's problems deepen as the translator hired by Felix isn't fulfilling his duties. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Denis Michallet as Felix Grosjean / Bruno Duvall Additional voices: Omari...

Oct 21, 2018•21 min•Season 1Ep. 10

Episode 009: The French Connection

Patrick and Woody are en route to Marseille to obtain the services of Head Coach Felix Grosjean, but a stumbling block is put in their place as the Marseille Chief-Executive is having second thoughts. Jess is tasked with keeping Chinese betting corporation, and Ashwood City shirt sponsor; iBET sweet, but heavy concessions are required. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices: Omari Douglas Denis Michallet Wen Theaker Trev ...

Oct 07, 2018•22 min•Season 1Ep. 9

Episode 008: Out of Office

Following yet another defeat, this time at the hands of Chelsea; Ashwood City FC face action in the form of a last-minute supporter protest. With the club image in tatters, Jess is tasked with disrupting the protest and buying Ashwood some time - yet she has some commitments of her own. Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Lucy-Jane Quinlan as Erica Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices: Omari Douglas Nalan Burgess Luke Stevenson Joel Emery Oliver Dowling E...

Sep 30, 2018•24 min•Season 1Ep. 8

Episode 007: Big Sam and Fries

Ashwood are moments away from hiring Big Sam as the ownership throw a last minute obstacle in their way. Meanwhile, as Liam Brightwell looks to take charge of his second game as caretaker manager, a disastrous Ashwood City tweet dismisses him from the club. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Dane Baptiste as Liam Brightwell Nalan Burgess as Jane Lucy-Jane Quinlan as Erica Rachel Summers as Simone Rhys Tees as Sam Green Episode written ...

Sep 23, 2018•21 min•Season 1Ep. 7

Episode 006: Howe to Cheat Death

As Ashwood City failed to recruit a new manager during the international break they face Bournemouth with former under 23s coach Liam Brightwell as caretaker manager. Following the match Patrick is detained in Eddie Howe's office after a death threat is made on his life. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Dane Baptiste as Liam Brightwell Acushla-Tara Kupe as Helen Weston Additional voices: Omari Douglas Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edi...

Sep 16, 2018•20 min•Season 1Ep. 6

Episode 005: Long Live The King

Following a huge result for Ashwood, Dan Watson's comments in a post-match interview leave reverberations around the club as Patrick, Jess and Woody attempt to curtail the lofty ambitions of their manager. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Joel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices: Jo Price Lucinda Shaw Omari Douglas Sirena Riley Suzie Houlihan Rhys Tees Larner Wallace-Taylor Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell E...

Sep 02, 2018•27 min•Season 1Ep. 5

Episode 004: The Last Supper

On the eve of their game at Crystal Palace; Patrick, Woody and Dan have met for dinner in London. As the night progresses Dan becomes increasingly frustrated that his expected dinner guest in Roy Hodgson is yet to show. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Joel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices: Omari Douglas Rhys Tees Raphaela Israel-Öbeñg Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited by: Adam Jarrell Executive Producer: Joel Emery WARNING. T...

Aug 26, 2018•21 min•Season 1Ep. 4

Episode 003: The Prince of Harkness

In their first home game of the season, Ashwood City play host to Brighton as stadium developments cause havoc. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices: Omari Douglas Rhys Tees Oliver Dowling Dean Kilbey Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited by: Adam Jarrell Executive Producer: Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable. This is a ...

Aug 19, 2018•21 min•Season 1Ep. 3

Episode 002: The Biter from the Balkans

Ashwood get their season underway at Vicarage Road as some serious foul play from their Croatian midfielder leaves Head of Communications Jess Tate clearing up the mess. Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan Helena Doughty as Jess Tate Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices: Jo Price Omari Douglas Rhys Tees Oliver Dowling Episode written by: Joel Emery Directed by: Adam Jarrell Edited by: Adam Jarrell Executive Producer: Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and co...

Aug 12, 2018•20 min•Season 1Ep. 2

Episode 001: Transfer Deadline Day

Ashwood City FC faces an internal crisis on transfer deadline day as manager Dan Watson publicly airs his frustrations over a quiet transfer window. Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan and Sporting Director Chris 'Woody' Woodall attempt to manage the fallout, leading to heated confrontations and desperate last-minute bids. The episode captures the chaotic negotiations and power struggles within the club's leadership as they navigate a challenging transfer period.

Aug 09, 2018•22 min•Season 1Ep. 1

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