When Doubt Becomes the Third Wheel: Finding Freedom from Relationship OCD

The OCD and Anxiety Podcast by Robert James Coaching. Music.

Hello and welcome to the OCD and Anxiety Podcast where we explore how to have a more positive relationship with anxiety disorders taking back control so that you can start living the life you choose and not the one chosen by your fears. Music.

Hello and welcome to episode 439. When I was really struggling with relationship OCD before I actually proposed to my soon-to-be wife and we had a child together, my relationship really felt like a disaster, with this almost permanent third wheel of doubt sitting between us. No matter what I did, it was all I could think about constantly. I thought it was a puzzle that I had to solve, only to find that the more I analysed and obsessed, the more confused and unsure I felt.

The cycle felt really awful. It was such a difficult feeling of guilt and shame that I was always walking around with each day. And today I want to talk about how I learned to break free from that third wheel and how I found peace in my relationship despite struggles with relationship OCD.

And if you're struggling with endless questions or feelings of doubt or the need for certainty in your relationship, then this episode is for you and I'll be sharing some of my important lessons that I've learned along the way. If you'd like to dive even deeper don't forget to check out my YouTube channel where I offer daily quick tips and weekly in-depth discussions on OCD and anxiety management. It's a great way to get extra support in between podcast episodes.

Also if you're ready to take that next step, I'm offering a free 20-minute coaching session to help you start your journey towards clarity and freedom from obsessive thoughts. If you would like to get that, you can head over to my website, robertjamescoaching.com, to book in for that free session. Or if you prefer, you can send me a message and let me know about what you're struggling with.

Okay, so let's jump into it. And remember, the only way to kick out that third wheel is to truly understand it.

Here's a quote to get us started doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will and that's by susie kasem it's a powerful thought right when i read that quote it reminded me of what i went through with relationship ocd or rocd as it's often called that lingering gnawing doubt the kind that feels like you're you're figuring something out only to lead you down a winding path of more worry fear shame and of course anxiety and if you're struggling with relationship OCD I know exactly how difficult

and overwhelming that can be at times. Today I want to share three strategies that really help me to manage relationship OCD and actually enjoy my relationship lo and behold and these tips helped me to realize that you know that doubt really is a trickster one that will fill your head with thoughts and anxieties but one that you don't have to follow so if your relationship is otherwise healthy and safe let's talk about how you can challenge that third wheel of doubt and find a bit more peace.

So a little backstory with with me before I proposed to my soon-to-be wife back when we didn't yet have a child together and another one on the way my relationship was really a bit of a disaster honestly not because anything was wrong it sounds really horrible and mean to say that you know there wasn't actually anything wrong per se with her or us in fact quite the opposite she's an amazing person I'm very very lucky to have her But because,

you know, because I was really struggling with this third wheel, this OCD that was going on in the background. Causing all of this nagging doubt. And no matter what I did or how many late night analyzing sessions I indulged in, I couldn't shake it. It was all I could think about all day, every day. And I thought that somehow, if I just thought about it hard enough, I'd reach a moment of clarity, that truth that I'd been looking for all along.

But actually, this was a trap. The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. And my brain wasn't solving any puzzle at all. It was actually just tying itself in knots throughout this process. You know, Relationship OCD has this way of sneaking in and turning the most ordinary moments into battlegrounds. I could be having a great day with my partner and I could be laughing about something and suddenly from nowhere, bam, a thought would hit.

You know, what if this isn't the right relationship for me? Or what if I won't actually be happy with her in two or three years' time? Maybe I should break up with her now just to make sure that things will be okay in the future. And Relationship OCD has this really kind of sticky quality to it, like a song that you can't get out of your head, only instead of it being a catchy tune, it's anxiety and worry and doubt that are playing on repeat.

And the worst part the doubt wasn't just this quiet voice in the background it was loud it was insistent practically screaming at me to figure it all out right now so i did the logical thing i thought about it from every possible angle that i that i could but of course it didn't matter how much i did that there wasn't anything to figure out i was just going round and round in circles in my head and getting myself more and more stuck in that OCD trap and as anyone with

relationship OCD will know this is a really difficult place to be the more I try to solve the problem of of whether or not I was in the right relationship the more the more confused I became and relation relationship OCD has a way of making you feel like you're on this endless hamster wheel, running in circles but never getting anywhere.

And the shame, you feel terrible. You know, maybe you really like the person that you're with, but you're just having all these these kind of doubts about whether they're the right one for you or whether you love them enough or whether you're attracted to them enough. And, you know, these these things at the same time, when you're thinking about this all the time, well, of course, it can lead to you feeling guilty. It can lead to you having a sense of shame.

And when you see that person, maybe those difficult feelings come up. A quick heads up, if you're finding these tips useful, you might enjoy checking out my YouTube channel, the OCD and Anxiety Podcast by Robert James Coaching. I'm sharing daily quick tips to keep you on track. Plus, I'll be doing weekly deep dives into different OCD themes. And here's the best part. These deep dives are exclusive to YouTube,

so it's content you won't find anywhere else. Just search for the OCD and Anxiety Podcast by Robert James Coaching and subscribe for regular insights. And yet, as tough as it really was for me, what I eventually learned is that relationship OCD isn't a puzzle to be solved or a problem to be fixed. It's actually a pattern of thought, a loop that you can learn to recognize and ultimately step out of.

And that's what I really want to share today. Three big things that helped me to stop seeing relationship OCD as something that I had to defeat and start approaching it with a sense of curiosity, acceptance and, believe it or not, humor. So what were these three tips? Well, the first thing that made a difference was to actually stay in the relationship just a bit longer than I was doing in the past.

So often in the past, I would break up with people because I couldn't deal with the anxiety of staying in that relationship and being in so much doubt all the time. You know, if you're like me, every time you hit a rough patch, you might start thinking, maybe I should just end it. Maybe this isn't right. and that's where the endless cycle of relationship OCD can really take over.

But instead of giving in to that urge to run, if you can challenge yourself to stay, you might be surprised at what might happen. So try this as an experiment. When you feel the need to figure it out or decide right now, see if you can pause instead. Remind yourself that clarity isn't a rush job. Sometimes just giving yourself the extra time helps you to see things from a calmer perspective. Remember, this is only worth trying if the relationship is safe and healthy overall.

Relationship OCD obviously isn't about staying in toxic situations, but rather learning to question the doubts that seem to come from nowhere because they are perhaps coming from the OCD. Number two. So another thing that made a big difference for me is recognizing the challenging patterns of reassurance seeking that so often come up with relationship OCD.

It's, you know, it's natural to want reassurance, of course. But as you probably know, reassurance is actually one of the most common compulsions in OCD.

You know so to to want someone to tell you yes this is the uh the right relationship for you or yes you are definitely with the right person or this person's amazing they're great for you that's a very tempting thing to want to get all the time to ask from your friends or from your family members but really what we're doing is we're teaching our minds that uh the doubt is something real that needs answering, which only fuels the relationship OCD cycle even more.

Instead, see if you can try this. When you feel the need to seek reassurance. Pause and label it for what it is, a reassurance-seeking urge. It might sound simple, but by acknowledging it.

You're taking a step back and breaking the automatic habit of constantly looking for that certainty and finally let's talk about the importance of being in the present with our partners so often in in the past when i was out with my then girlfriend i would not be present at all i would be perhaps with her but you know there would be half of my mind that would be paying attention to my ruminations to my fears about the relationship and i wouldn't be fully present with them and i think

it's really important that we develop the skill to be more present particularly when we are with our partners so something that you can practice is something called the 10 second rule when you're with your partner especially if you're feeling that anxiety bubbling up in the background you know try to at least for 10 seconds really make sure that you're staying present with them without judgment about anything just try to focus in a bit more on the conversation or focus in a bit

more on what's going on around you rather than getting stuck in your head so often the problem is that we're trying to figure things out we're trying to have certainty about the relationship or about the situation and if we can just come into the present even if it's just for 10 seconds it can really help us to start letting go of that.

So, you know, relationship OCD is obviously very tough and very difficult to deal with. It can be overwhelming at times. But remember, doubt doesn't define your relationship and it doesn't define you. By staying a bit longer, looking within and actually practicing presence, you can start to kick that third wheel to the curb and experience real connection with the person that you're with.

And this is what it's really all about. when we are ruminating all the time of course we feel disconnected from that important person in our life of course you know maybe we don't feel as attracted to them because we're not connecting to them as much and so really learning how to be more in the present learning how to be more accepting of those difficult emotions well it can help us to improve that connection with that important person and you know maybe that can

make a big big difference to the relationship and of course the relationship OCD so many thanks guys if you have any questions at all about anything I've spoken about today do please let me know and I will see you next time just a quick reminder that if you want to get a free session all you need to do to get that is to head over to my website www.robertjamescoaching.com and there you can leave me a message and we can arrange the free session and now

just a quick reminder of my disclaimer any information that you view on my website instagram page facebook group or anywhere else online or any information that you listen to on the podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for actual medical or mental health advice from a doctor psychologist or any other medical or mental health professional. Music.