Relationship OCD & Doubt: Breaking Free ft. Erin Davis

The OCD and Anxiety Podcast by Robert James Coaching. Music.

Hello and welcome to the OCD and Anxiety Podcast where we explore how to have a more positive relationship with anxiety disorders taking back control so that you can start living the life you choose and not the one chosen by your fears. Music.

Hello and welcome to episode 470. I hope that you're doing very well and before we dive into the episode today I just want to quickly mention that if you're struggling with OCD and looking for real practical support, I offer one-on-one coaching to help you break free from the cycle of overthinking and compulsions. If you've been listening to this podcast and wondering if coaching is right for you, the best way to find out is by booking a free discovery call with me.

In this call, we'll talk about what you're struggling with, where you feel stuck and whether coaching might be a good fit for you. There's no pressure. It's just a chance to explore your next steps. To book your free call, just head over to robertjamescoaching.com. The link is in the show notes. There you can book him for that free session directly, or you can send me a message and let me know about what you're struggling with.

Now, if you've ever found yourself over-analyzing your relationship, questioning your feelings or constantly comparing your partners to others, you're not alone. Today, I'm joined by OCD therapist and coach Erin Davis, who specializes in helping women who struggle with relationship OCD. But whether you're a woman or a man, the struggles of relationship OCD, doubt, reassurance-seeking and over-analyzing are universal.

In this episode, we discuss why relationship OCD happens how perfectionism and social pressure fuel it and most importantly practical strategies to start taking back control this is something that I've really struggled with myself over the years and I obviously speak about a lot on the podcast so you know even if Erin's work is primarily focused on women I think the insights that we cover today can be really beneficial and helpful for anybody struggling with relationship OCD.

So I really hope that you enjoy. Please do follow along on Instagram. My Instagram handle is at robertjamescoachinguk and the podcast is also on YouTube. You can search for the OCD and Anxiety podcast by Rob James Coaching and you will find it there.

Many thanks and if you have any questions, do please let me know. Off we go.

Hi erin welcome to the podcast hi rob thank you for having me that's great to have you on so yeah could you give us a bit of background please to start with yes so i'm the host of the bossing up overcoming ocd show and i started my journey as a regular general therapist and i noticed that there were a lot of women coming into my office really struggling with what they called quote unquote anxiety that was not responding to the typical methods of reframing thoughts for example so in digging

deeper I realized that there were so many women dealing with OCD and they didn't realize it so I started my journey then really specializing in OCD and now it's shifted more so into relationship OCD because so many women are just not finding that deep connection in love because they're so caught up in their thoughts and, through my work, I've seen so many transformations with women who go from wondering if they found the one to then picking out their wedding dress with ease.

And it's been so rewarding. And I'm so excited to talk about these things and share the methods with your listeners. Fantastic. So, okay. Yeah. This is something that I speak about a lot on the podcast, relationship OCD. I think it's something that a lot of people really do struggle with. So it's great to have you on to talk about it today. What do you think are some of the main reasons for why people, women in particular, might struggle with relationship OCD and confidence in relationships?

Yes. Well, there's so many stats and research out there. In general, 85% of people struggle with confidence and self-esteem anyway. So that's already a high number. And then professional women, they are finding themselves in a perfectionistic loop. And there's so many pressures between social media, family, Hollywood of like what that picture perfect relationship looks like.

And as a matter of fact, and you've probably seen this too, Rob, like when people have that relationship OCD theme, they tend to have a lot more stress than any other OCD theme. And people are mistaken too in thinking that OCD is only about hand-washing. And so when you start to talk about relationship OCD, it's like, their eyes light up because they're like, oh my gosh, I had no idea. And I've been dealing with that for what feels like forever.

But yeah, I feel like women just get caught up in perfectionism and trying to achieve an unrealistic standard. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's something that is very common with relationship OCD.

Perfectionism so often is a cornerstone of some of these issues where we are demanding that things be a certain way there's a kind of idea that maybe that people have in their head like it should be like this or it should be like that and if it's not then i'm not going to be able to be happy you know my my relationship is going to it's not going to bring me happiness it's just going to bring me stress because i'm not going to have what what i need but i think it's it's this kind of need

with inverted commas know that that's actually a kind of limiting belief that is potentially holding people back. 100%. 100%. Because when you think about OCD just in and of itself, it's a lot of mental torture. But then you invite in a partner in this dynamic duo. I mean, you're human.

Things are bound to happen. So you're right. Whenever there's trouble in paradise, the OCD brain is like, uh-oh, like this is not good. And you can't control other people. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So what's the difference then between obsessive OCD doubts about relationships and genuine kind of concerns that you might have? Okay. Well, awesome question because like, Of course, it's natural to have doubts in any circumstance, in any relationship to wonder, like, are they the one for me?

Are we a good match? Like some of that is what I would call typical because honestly, what's normal anyway. But when it comes to obsessive doubts, this is another level of doubts, because with doubts, we typically seek out an answer.

And once we have that information we're resolved like we've got the information we need we can make a decision and move on but with obsessive doubts that's when you have the information but your OCD says yes but and it finds that loophole and so it's like you're in this never ending loop in this never ending search to find an answer that you will never get because like For example, in the question of, what if I'm not attracted to them in 10 years? You can't answer that.

And so that's the difference between reasonable doubt and obsessive doubt is an obsessive doubt. You have the information, but you still don't believe it. Yeah, absolutely. That makes sense. And what about comparisons? Because certainly when I was struggling myself with relationship OCD, you know, I didn't like this about myself, but I would make comparisons all the time about things.

And, you know, it was horrible. I really kind of disliked myself for doing it, but I would kind of judge my partner and, you know, and think about physical attributes or even their personality and those kinds of different things and think about, okay, well, how does this compare to this person or that person? You know, is this going to be a problem for me in the long term? How do you see comparison kind of impacting this?

Yes. Well, and I love your vulnerability in sharing that because I, too, have struggled with and I've termed it comparisonitis because it's almost like a disease in and of itself because comparison is the thief of your joy. And as you've noticed, every time you do a comparison, you're on the losing end.

So it's a lose-lose situation. And so what I encourage my clients to do is when you're scrolling on social media or you're looking at old pictures or finding those thoughts starting to grab and catch on to some comparison, be aware of where your mind's going. Okay. Cross the bridge and bring yourself back into the present and focus on the strengths of your relationship.

Focus on the strengths that you bring to the relationship, because all in all, that comparison is not going to serve your energy. And so you really have to be vigilant in being careful about where your mind goes.

Absolutely. Yeah. And just shifting that focus to what does bring you energy and what does bring you like light and joy. If you're someone who listens to this podcast, chances are you're looking for real ways to break free from OCD. Maybe you've thought about getting support but feel hesitant to start coaching or perhaps you're looking for something structured that you can work through at your own pace.

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Yeah, I completely agree. I think so often with OCD in general, but relationship OCD, this can be even more true. It's about where our thoughts are kind of drifting to. You know, we have to recognize, you know, when our thoughts are going to a kind of a negative place or not even a negative place as such, it's just there's certain things that the mind can go to. Yeah, the triggers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're telltale signs that, okay, if I'm thinking about anything to do with this or this or this, I'm making comparisons, for example, or I'm thinking about the past or I'm, you know, then it's a good idea to maybe take a few breaths, pause for a second and just ask yourself, is this really helping me right now? Or is it bringing me out of the present, stealing my joy and making me very, very anxious? Yes. No? Completely agree. Yeah. And it's all about awareness for sure.

And then intentionally bringing your attention to what serves you. Maybe it's gratitude or maybe it's just focusing on what you do have because a lot of women, they just want to be content in their relationship. And so recognizing that you already have what you need. Absolutely. I mean, that's a really important message. Okay. Now, one of the most common compulsions in OCD is reassurance seeking. It can take many different guises and it can be quite hard to spot sometimes.

Sometimes it's obvious. You're just asking for reassurance from friends, for example, but sometimes it can be more subtle. How does reassurance seeking influence relationship OCD, do you think? Yes. Well, it tends to be like a cornerstone piece in relationship OCD because the woman who is suffering with the relationship OCD, she's getting reassurance either from Googling answers because, you know, Dr.

Google seems to know everything. but she is then maybe asking friends or family their opinion or she you know is getting reassurance from her partner over and over and if you think about it like if your spouse or your significant other asked you to go get milk from the store you bring home the milk and then they're saying well you sure you got it you sure you got the right kind like it feels very nagging and imagine if. You're not asking questions only about getting milk from the store.

Like you're asking much more deeper, almost vulnerable type of questions that really cut you of like, well, how do you know I'm not the right one? Or what are you saying about me that, you know, we may not be attracted to each other in the future. So with that reassurance seeking, it can be very harmful. And so what I encourage clients to do, and especially I'll bring in their significant other as well.

It's like, put a notebook on your table and whatever question they ask over and over, write the answer in the notebook, tell them, check the notebook. Because in continually giving them the answers, it's just a compulsion and it's feeding the cycle. So you have to find ways to delay, skip, and decrease those compulsions. Yeah, yeah, fantastic. That's really, really spot on.

Okay, if you only had one piece of advice for people who might be struggling with relationship OCD, what would that advice be? Well, in narrowing it down to just one piece, I would remind them that they are worthy number one they are worthy of love and love is consistent positive action towards someone else and so love builds over time and it's okay to feel uncertain but they ultimately they are deserving of love and love is readily available to them.

And so just keep having small, consistent actions towards your partner and observe it in return. And so by doing that, that can help build a healthy connection between them and their boyfriend, husband, whatever their situation looks like. Fantastic. And if people want to find out more about you, because I think you offer obviously therapy, but you have programs as well to help women with relationship OCD.

Could you tell us more about that? Yes. So I'm starting a group coaching program for women on relationship OCD, and it's 12 weeks of community and coaching to help bring them to a place where they are deepening their love and having more clarity on their relationship. So they can find more information about that program on my website at livebeyonddoubt.com. And I'm also on the socials. They can find me on YouTube at Erin Davis YouTube.

And for Facebook and Instagram, they can find me at Erin Davis Coaching. And that's E-R-I-N. Fantastic. And I'll put all of those links in the show notes as well so people can find it there.

Awesome. great erin thank you so much it's been uh it's been wonderful talking to you you as well rob thank you so much so there we go really hope that you enjoyed that and please do remember if you are struggling with ocd and you would like to get some support with that you can get a free discovery call with me to get that you can head over to my website, robertjamescoaching.com and you can book in there directly for that discovery call many thanks and i will see you next time. Music.

And now just a quick reminder of my disclaimer any information that you view on my website instagram page facebook group or anywhere else online or any information that you listen to on the podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for actual medical or mental health advice from a doctor psychologist or any other medical or mental health professional. Music.