Demystifying Reassurance Seeking: A Deep Dive into OCD Compulsions

The OCD and Anxiety Podcast by Robert James Coaching. Music.

Hello and welcome to The OCD and Anxiety Podcast where we explore how to have a more positive relationship with anxiety disorders disorders taking back control so that you can start living the life you choose and not the one chosen by your fears. Music. Hello there and welcome to episode 367.

I hope that you are doing marvelously well today however if you're not doing that marvelously because you're struggling with OCD and anxiety then you can get a free session with me to get that you can head over to my website, robertjamescoaching.com there you can book in for that free session or if you prefer you can send me a message and just tell me a little bit about whatever it is that you might be struggling with in today's podcast I'm going to be diving deep into reassurance

seeking in OCD which is actually one of the most common compulsions particularly when you begin to unpack what we really mean by reassurance and so it's really important that we understand this very typical OCD compulsion because of course if we want to eliminate it we have to understand first of all when we're actually doing it so today's podcast is all about that if you would like to support the podcast I do actually have patreon there's different tiers you can sign up for so

if you're interested in that you can follow the patreon link in the show notes also you can follow and like on instagram there's a facebook page and the podcast is now on youtube as well so there we go guys I really hope that you enjoy today's episode if you have any questions at all do please let me know and off we go.

Today's quote is by dr stephen phillipson and it is this reassurance seeking is a compulsion not a solution to dealing with the distress associated with ocd and this is an absolutely fantastic quote because it really kind of encapsulates very simply how important it is that we learn to identify at reassurance seeking and that we begin to let go of it because really when you begin to unpack what reassurance seeking actually is and how

it impacts OCD we begin to recognize that reassurance is you know pretty much the most common compulsion of all so often really what we're doing with OCD is we're just looking for reassurance about everything we We don't want to have uncertainty about things. And so, of course, what are we going to do? Well, we're going to try to feel better, and that is a form of reassurance. We're going to try to have certainty, only it's not really going to help us.

When it comes to OCD, getting reassurance is almost like getting a mortgage for a house without actually getting a house at the end of that process. You've gone through years of paying off those monthly payments. And you finally come to the end of that mortgage only to find that the bank hasn't actually given you a house whatsoever and they're going to kick you out of that house. And unfortunately, that's kind of what it's like when we're getting reassurance.

We feel like it's the right thing to be doing. We're making those monthly payments. We feel good about that. Only the issue is that, you know, further down the line, all that's really happening is you're feeling more and more insecure, more and more that you have to get kind of reassurance from somebody else in order to kind of feel okay about things. You start losing that ability to feel confident in yourself and to be able to create that sense of confidence in yourself.

Self you you tend to feel like that confidence has to come from something external to you and you know your your home you know your sense of self kind of ends up being a place where you're not comfortable anymore you know not not like my analogy exactly where maybe the bank kicks you out of that house you can still be there in your in your home but you're not going to feel content in that home you're not going to feel confident at home and you know obviously this is a

big part of the problem with OCD the longer that we are performing compulsions you know over over time over the weeks over the months over the years you know the longer that we're getting that reassurance really we're sending this message to our subconscious mind that we can't cope on our own that we have to get that external validation in order for us to feel okay and you know it just doesn't help us and it's also

important to kind of point out here that actually the validation doesn't always have to be external. Really, when you kind of unpack things, when you think about rumination, well, what are we actually doing when we're ruminating? Obviously, this is an internal thing that's going on here, but it's really we're trying to get reassurance from ourselves. We're going around in circles with our thoughts.

And actually, it's just reassurance-seeking behavior. And I think it's so important that we really try to understand, you know, what is reassurance? You know, because on the face of it, you know, you may be thinking, well, you know, I'm not getting reassurance. I haven't been asking my friends about their opinions on my relationship or whether I should go back and check the oven or whether I should go and do this or that or whatever it is that you might be obsessing about.

Out so you know i'm not doing reassurance seeking behavior but of course you know going around in circles with your thoughts trying to have certainty about something trying to figure something out that's reassurance as well going on to google is of course reassurance going back and checking things for the 10th time is of course reassurance when it really comes down to it so much of what What we're doing in OCD is actually reassurance-seeking behavior.

And so recognizing what's going on here is really important. There's the obvious and the traditional kind of sense of reassurance-seeking by asking people what they think or asking Mr. Google what he thinks or increasingly now asking chat GTP or other forms of AI what they think.

You know that that's the kind of more obvious version of reassurance seeking but you know when it comes down to it really you know the less obvious types are things like rumination and so if we're able to to recognize that then at least we can begin you know to kind of be a bit more honest with ourselves when it comes to you know our compulsions and if we are actually performing forming compulsions because we know of course in the long term learning how to get over OCD is

really all about the compulsions once we learn how to let go of looking for that just right feeling you know to actually allow some uncertainty and some anxiety there the the obsessions tend to die down a little bit because we're no longer kind of perpetuating the the cycle of OCD by looking for that certainty and that allows us to kind of remain in the anxiety for a certain amount of time just long enough until that anxiety begins to come down a little bit and when

that starts to happen we start to habituate to our fears you know then we're beginning to kind of unravel the OCD as I was talking about in the previous podcast about unraveling the monkey knot of OCD without actually physically kind of unraveling it that's what it's all about and unfortunately.

Reassurance seeking tends to get in the way of that and and as i was just talking about sometimes that reassurance can be quite quite subtle and sneaky now of course not getting reassurance is you know not as easy as it may sound on the face of it particularly you know if you don't struggle with OCD you know it can be very hard to understand you know just how intense and urgent getting that that reassurance is for for someone who really struggles with OCD.

And the kind of compulsion to seek comfort and affirmation, it really feels like a lifeline, a momentary pause in the relentless storm of doubt and fear that OCD produces.

Reduces when we do actually get that reassurance that the let's be honest that we kind of crave there's a brief respite a fleeting sense of calm and certainty that perhaps the things that we've been worrying about so much aren't quite as justified as our mind has actually been telling us, however as i was just pointing out because of the ocd cycle you know this relief is very often often short-lived. The core issue with reassurance seeking lies in its very nature.

It serves as a compulsion within that OCD cycle, acting as a kind of temporary bandage over a wound that actually needs much deeper healing. We actually need to learn how to feel our difficult emotions.

Perhaps underneath all of this obsessing and compulsing is a need for compassion, a need for you know a deeper sense of being heard rather than just kind of needing to feel better immediately needing to get rid of difficult emotions there's a deeper sense of something that you need and each time a person actually seeks and receives reassurance they're unfortunately inadvertently reinforcing this cycle of OCD they're really teaching the brain

through neuroplasticity which can work for us or against us, you know, to alleviate the discomfort of an obsession. You know through actually just getting reassurance and this re this reinforcement tends to make the obsession stronger as the brain becomes conditioned to rely on external validation to to manage that internal distress but as i was talking about earlier it doesn't always have to be external if that reassurance is coming from an internal dialogue it can.

Also be coming from from yourself too but it's still not good because you're you're kind of getting into that habit of having to perform this compulsion in order to make yourself feel better in the long term then this cycle of seeking reassurance it not only perpetuates but can actually exacerbate OCD symptoms the temporary relief becomes a crutch leading people to depend more heavily on reassurance to manage their anxiety over time the effectiveness of reassurance

wanes require at requiring people to seek more frequently and intensively that reassurance that before maybe it would have made them feel okay for just enough time for them to be able to get back into their lives but unfortunately you know with with the passing of time the more that we get that reassurance the harder it is for us to actually get that just right feeling and to be able to walk away from from things and this escalation can actually strain our personal

relationships it can take away our self-confidence as i was talking about earlier as well and you know it can make just living your your daily life so much harder so it's so important that we really learn how to to begin to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort.

For me, the beginnings of acceptance, I really don't like that word acceptance sometimes. You know, sometimes it's very confusing as to what acceptance really is. And for me, the beginnings of acceptance are actually tolerance.

When we begin to develop the ability to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort and to actually allow those things to be there, not to push them away, way you know we can begin to to learn that those things are okay that they're uncomfortable but actually we can kind of allow them to be we can soothe ourselves despite those challenges being there and we can get on with our lives we can focus on our values anyway and that kind of leads into the next part which is really

learning how to to break the the cycle here with this and the The key to that lies in really recognizing the trap of reassurance seeking and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

The trap is obviously that reassurance seeking can be obvious. Or it can be really quite sneaky. It can be those less obvious things that I was talking about earlier, where, you know, you're performing other types of compulsions. But ultimately, you know, they're about reducing uncertainty.

They're about reassuring yourself. yourself and so you know the first step in in getting over OCD really is developing this ability to to understand what your compulsions are and to be able to spot them because once you're able to spot your compulsions more more readily more easily you know that really is the first step in them being able to do something different with them if you're not able to spot them or if they're are coming at you so quickly you know it can

be very draining can be exhausting just to kind of pay attention and notice them this is why i think it's very important to to kind of journal about your thoughts to write down things that have caught you out to really try to repeatedly you know write down what your what what compulsions you've had each day and try to.

Be honest with yourself try to reflect on that and just write them down by by writing them down each day you know you start to you start to kind of get more used to them you start to see them more clearly when they do come up because you've been writing about them so that's one approach that you can take another approach is when you find yourself caught up in your head if you're going around in circles with your thoughts then you know that's a very clear sign that

you're obviously in rumination or you're worrying about something so when you find yourself caught up in your head remind yourself that that is very likely a compulsion and you know see if you can do something to kind of bring you back into the present moment apply the skills of acceptance commitment therapy to refocus your attention onto your values try to use diffusion techniques to to come back into the present another way of spotting your your compulsions is actually

to tune into how you're feeling if you if you suspect that you may be getting caught up in reassurance seeking and you know maybe you're somewhere safe you're at home in that moment you can actually meditate for for a moment onto on what you're feeling you can actually try to feel what you're feeling more something that I found very that I find very helpful and on ongoing basis actually.

Is to practice tuning in to what I'm feeling when I find myself very anxious or when I find myself tempted to perform a compulsion or to ruminate. I like to just tune in to what I'm feeling in my body in that moment because, you know, when I'm tempted to get reassurance, there's often a very kind of telltale sign that's happening in the body, almost like a signature feeling. And just Just by learning how to pay attention to that, by staying with that and observing it.

When you do that on a regular basis, you get better and better at just being able to kind of know intuitively, ah, I see what that is. That's OCD. That's just a little trap that the OCD is trying to set for me. It wants me to go down that rumination hole. It wants me to get that reassurance. and I'm not going to listen to it. I'm going to pay attention to what it's saying to me but I'm not actually going to listen with both my ears.

I'm effectively going to observe it and I'm going to move on to something else. And the more you develop this ability of actually tuning into your emotional states and feeling what you're feeling, the better armed you're going to be.

The better you're going to be able to spot when you're in an OCD cycle, cool you're going to be able to spot those compulsions more easily you know so it's a practice the more that you're able to practice this is something that I find is really really helpful so there we go guys I really hope that you enjoyed that one I think this is a really important topic being able to to understand reassurance seeking and all of its different facets I

hope that you found it helpful if you have any questions at all about anything that I've spoken about today do please let me know and I will see you next time just a quick reminder that if you want to get a free session all you need to do to get that is to head over to my website www.robertjamescoaching.com and there you can leave me a message and we can arrange the free session and now just a quick reminder of my disclaimer any information that you view you on my website,

Instagram page, Facebook group or anywhere else online or any information that you listen to on the podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for actual medical or mental health advice from a doctor, psychologist or any other medical or mental health professional. Music.