Dating with OCD: How to Handle Anxiety and Doubts

Music. Hello and welcome to the OCD and Anxiety Podcast where we explore how to have a more positive relationship with anxiety disorders, taking back control so that you can start living the life you choose and not the one chosen by your fears. Music.

Hello and welcome to episode 449 i hope that you're doing very well today wherever you are and if you are struggling with ocd or anxiety and you would like to get some support with that well you can by heading over to my website robertjamescoaching.com there you can book in for a free session directly or if you prefer you can send me a message and let me know about what you're struggling with.

In today's podcast I'm talking about dating an OCD and also relationship OCD and I'm giving you some some real tips for what you can do when you're dating and you're finding anxiety is coming up doubts are coming up and it's getting in the way of you being able to enjoy that process and even to find somebody, to find a relationship that's meaningful and important to you.

Unfortunately OCD is very good at interrupting this and so if you are struggling with this at all then today's episode might be very interesting for you. Now I also highly recommend that you check out my YouTube channel.

I'm now posting meditations there on a weekly basis and if you're looking to do some meditations on OCD and anxiety, letting go of intrusive thoughts then the youtube channel could be really helpful for you to check it out you can head over to youtube and search for robert james coaching the ocd and anxiety podcast or there's a link in the show notes so many thanks if you have any questions at all about anything i speak about today do please let me know and off we go.

Dating and OCD can be a toxic mix back when I was still dating I'd often find myself caught in a loop of self-doubt and endless obsessions about whether I'd ever find someone I could truly be happy with my relationships when I actually stayed in them long enough to even call them that were often a roller coaster of difficult emotions one moment I was terrified of being alone forever.

And the next, I was itching to escape. I'd convinced myself that if I didn't, I might end up trapped in a relationship that I wasn't fully happy in. The constant self-loathing and the dating dread cycle kept me stuck for years. At that time, I thought the problem was external, that I hadn't met the right person. But the truth was that I hadn't yet learned how to handle the way that OCD impacted my relationships. Fast forward to today, my now fiancé is one week overdue with our second baby.

And when I think back to the version of me who thought finding happiness in relationships was impossible, well, it feels like a different life.

And yet, here I am, navigating the complete chaos of parenthood and embracing the uncertainty of that. and I no longer allow OCD to kind of dictate my relationships. The first major shift for me was learning how to take control of rumination. Back then, I'd spend hours obsessing over dating, swiping through apps and replaying conversations and trying to solve why things weren't working in my relationships.

I convinced myself that the perfect person was out there and that one day they'd magically show up in my life and save me from all of this mental chaos. Spoiler alert though, no one can actually do that for you. Tinder dates often felt awkward because, let's face it, there's no way to know if you'll click with someone based on a few photos and a bio. And while many people experience the awkwardness of dating apps and Tinder dates, OCD can take it to a whole other level.

Overthinking, well, that's basically the Olympic sport of OCD. Even when I found someone I liked, the joy lasted about two weeks before the doubt inevitably crept in, asking, are you sure this is the right person for you? OCD has a knack for turning happy moments on their head. It's like having a buzzkill friend constantly whispering, but what if that's not the right person?

Shouldn't you break up now just in case? And I lost out on so many potentially great relationships because rumination convinced me something was wrong. And what I've learned through all of this is that you don't have to engage with the thoughts. Rumination feels automatic, but it's not. It's a compulsion, a way to seek certainty where there isn't actually any. One thing that helped me was learning to spot the physical sensations of anxiety before the mental spiral started.

Anxiety often kicks off the OCD cycle and we try to fix it by blaming it on something tangible, for example like a date or a relationship. By paying attention to my body and being curious about those physical sensations, I started to accept them as just feelings that would pass if I allowed them to. Another big lesson was realising that all of my overthinking was blocking me from seeing what was right in front of me.

OCD convinces you that rumination is productive, but really it just numbs you to reality. At one point I told myself, I never have to ruminate again unless I want to. And that was a game changer. Sure, it feels like you have no choice, but you really do. Recognising that I was choosing to ruminate gave me a sense of empowerment. And the moment you see it as a choice, you also see the opportunity to choose differently. Now, this doesn't mean that it's easy to stop.

Rumination can feel like a security blanket, giving you a momentary sense of control or relief, but in the long run, it keeps you trapped. The next time you catch yourself ruminating, try telling yourself, I'm choosing this right now. Even if it feels unfair, this mindset shift can help you start making better choices over time. When it comes to dating, lasting change happens gradually. Sure, big leaps are great, but consistent small actions are what make a difference.

One of the most helpful steps for me was exposure. So, if you're single, exposure might mean stepping out of your comfort zone to approach someone, even if it's nerve-wracking. And yes, it is awkward at times. And yes, sometimes it doesn't work out. But every time that you try, you're building your resilience. And here's the surprise about this. Most people are way more approachable than you might think. As long as you're polite and authentic, you may be surprised at what you can do.

On the other hand, if you're in a relationship, exposure might mean staying committed, even when OCD is screaming at you to leave. For me, this was the hardest part. I'd created a habit of mentally talking myself out of relationships. But with my now fiancé, I made a conscious decision to stay, even when the doubt was overwhelming at times.

I set goals like I'm committing to this relationship for the next three months and during that time I'm really going to work on reducing the rumination as much as possible.

And this approach it gave me clarity and allowed me to be much more present which ultimately deepened the connection between us. Another thing is when dating, it's tempting to present a version of yourself that you think will win someone over, but people can sense when you're not being authentic. And whilst it's great to put your best foot forward, remember, if someone doesn't like you for who you really are, it's better to know that early on rather than years further down the line.

One of the most freeing lessons I've learned was to stop analysing how I came across and instead to focus on simply trying to be myself. Sure, there's always the risk of rejection, but as I've discovered, rejection isn't as scary as living a life where you're constantly pretending to be something that you're not. If you're struggling with dating anxiety or relationship OCD, know that you're not alone.

Many people face these challenges and with the right tools and mindset, you can find the connection you're looking for. I think the key thing is letting go of rumination and embracing the uncertainty that relationships inherently bring. So many thanks and if you found today's episode helpful, please do consider subscribing to the podcast. It really does make a huge difference. And if you have any questions at all, do please let me know.

And don't forget to check out my YouTube channel and the meditations that will be posted there on a weekly basis. Many thanks and I will see you next time. Just a quick reminder that if you want to get a free session, all you need to do to get that is to head over to my website www.robertjamescoaching.com and there you can leave me a message and we can arrange the free session.

And now just a quick reminder of my disclaimer Any information that you view on my website, Instagram page, Facebook group or anywhere else online Or any information that you listen to on the podcast is for informational purposes only And is not intended to be a substitute for actual medical or mental health advice From a doctor, psychologist or any other medical or mental health professional. Music.