Julie Lively taking the edge off without alcohol

I have four kids in six years and my husband was always traveling and so I was always on my own and I could not wait till the end of the day where I could relax with that glass of wine .

And one turned into two and um , and sometimes three , and uh , it just , it just kind of became just part of my life and it it would just , it also just seemed really normal because that's what we moms did , right , everything is revolving wine .

It's five o'clock and I'm cooking dinner and I crack open that bottle of wine and I pour that glass and I send a picture of it to my friend . I'm like cheers , hey , do you , do you have your glass of wine ? And again , it just seemed really really normal .

And , um , you know , then then kind of fast forward , my husband and I we split up about 10 years ago and so , uh , you know , I was in a situation where , you know , I often was with my kids alone a lot anyway , and then with the separation of us I didn't have that . You know , daddy walked in the door the kids are yours , I can relax .

Then I really really was like , wow , I need something to really help me relax and unwind at the end of the day . And you know , we didn't have kind of that traditional schedule the Wednesday , every other weekend kind of thing , because he did travel so much .

So my times that were my own were kind of last minute like oh , by the way , I'm here , I can take the kids , and I would find myself going , oh gosh , thank goodness , and I would get my bottle of wine and I would drink it and I'd be like , you know , the next day I'd wake up and I didn't sleep well and I over drank and I'm like what , what am I

doing ? This really isn't working . But that cycle just kind of continued . And I think you know , for me I never had any rock bottom moments , but I had these rock bottom feelings there were . There were two in particular that I could really think of . That that changed the trajectory of like this is not sustainable . One was it was kind of towards the

end of the pandemic . As I mentioned , I've got . I have four kids and six years and my youngest daughter has Down syndrome and so my three older kids . They were , you know , kind of out and about and starting to get back into society and doing things and working and seeing their friends .

And my youngest daughter and I we were home alone again and very isolated and it was one of those things where it's like , well , I guess it doesn't really matter if I have another glass of wine , Like we've got nothing going on tomorrow anyway . It doesn't really matter how I feel .

And I just kept on looking at myself like this is your life , like is this really how you want to spend your life ? Thinking I don't have anything going on tomorrow , anyway , I might as well have some more wine . It doesn't matter how I feel .

And you know , as my nest started to empty more and I didn't have those built-in cushions where I had to drive my kids and pick them up at nine o'clock at night and do all these different things Again , all those built-in bumpers that we have , that so many of us women have around our drinking , started going away .

And you know , again sitting on that couch again like having another glass of wine , thinking as my nest is emptying like this is my life , is this really how I'm going to spend my life ? And what I noticed for me was the isolation that I was feeling by .

You know , my nest is emptying a little bit , but I have my one , my special needs daughter , home with me and so I'm just going to drink through it . The drinking was causing .

The drinking that I was doing to help alleviate the feeling of isolation was driving the feeling of isolation , and so I was just kind of stuck in this cycle and I just realized , like this is this , this is not sustainable , this is not who I am , this is not who I want to be , and it was time for for a real , real change .

And so , you know , for two years I was kind of on the drinking no drinking roller coaster . I did a bunch of , you know dry Januaries and you know free , freebie , 30 day alcohol experiments , and I did programs with Laura McC , programs with Laura McCowan and Rachel Hart and Annie Grace and all the , all those different things .

Read all the quit lick , listen to the podcast and you know , after nearly two years of that , I'm like , okay , this is it , I'm done .

And so signed up for another , the Snaked Mind program , and I decided at that time that my last and final day one was November 28th , and it was the Saturday or I'm sorry , it was a Sunday after the Saturday , after the Thursday of Thanksgiving , and I purposely picked it . Then that whole week of Thanksgiving , I'm like this is it , this is it .

This is my last wine . And I was a Chardonnay drinker . This is it , this is my last wine . And I was a Chardonnay drinker . And it was interesting because the more I was , you know , kind of trying to wean off of this , the more I was realizing . And when you read all the quitlet and understand , like , do I really even like the taste of this ?

And I'm like , yeah , I don't like this one . And so I buy another bottle , yeah , I don't really like this one . And so I found myself really drinking a lot that last week to get it all in . And so , by you know . So Thanksgiving came and went .

I went out for dinner with some friends on a Saturday night , shared my last bottle of wine , and then Sunday I was off to the races , and so that was , you know , three years and almost three months ago , to the date of the recording of this podcast . And yeah , there was , there was just no looking back Congratulations .

, and I relate to everything you just said . You know the kids , the relaxing , having a drink after that day like a reward and just to numb out . You know it's exhausting having the kids and it's so common , it's that mummy wine culture . And you know when you said after you'd split up with your husband and he'd have the kids , it was like a yes .

When my kids weren't here , like mine , didn't go to my exes , but if they stayed at grandma's or something , to me that was like celebrate , no one can watch me . I can do what I want , but just like you , celebrate , no one can watch me . I can do what I want , but just like you , that isolation just grew .

You know , the drinking to escape the loneliness actually brought it on , which happens to a lot of us . But I did have that mentality as well of in COVID . But also , if I didn't have the kids , it doesn't matter . If I feel like crap tomorrow , just doesn't matter . I mean , I had that as well and it's just thinking back .

I just think , oh , I think that was a big thing for me as well , to realize that this is not what I want from my life .

And so , like so many people , I did all the rules , like , okay , I'm not going to drink on the week , I'm only going to drink on weekends , which actually worked really , really , really well until 4th of July was on a Monday and I had a firm rule like I don't drink during the week .

So then I'm like , okay , so 4th of July is on a Monday , so maybe if I drink Sunday and Monday instead of Friday and Saturday , but there's something going on Friday , so now what do I do ? And so again , those rules started messing with me .

And then I went away to a wedding and it was a , it was a four day party during the week and I totally broke it . And then I just , I , just I came back and I just continued on drinking , like rules work really , really , really , really well until they don't .

It's so the thinking about drinking is more painful than anything , you know .

If you did that like I would drink at night and then the next morning I would open the fridge and I would see the bottle of wine and there'd be a little bit left , and if I felt kind of funny and I looked at him like oh , why did I have that last bit of wine ?

And then you pour it out Today's the day , and then at five o'clock I'm back buying another bottle of wine and again , like you know , we're just like normal people . No DWI , no , you know , not , not that , not that that . Only normal people don't have DWIs . But you know you know what I mean . Like like there was no rock bottom .

No , um , you know , brush with the law , no brush with , like you know , julie , you're going to lose your family , your kids are really like none of that .

It was just like this normal um , you know , I was in a relationship with somebody , um , kind of by the run of the time that I was looking at changing my relationship with alcohol and he said you know what ? You don't drink a lot , but you drink a lot Meaning . I drink every single day two to three glasses of wine .

And if I'm cooking dinner and he'd be like , well , there's a lot , a lot of wine gone , I'm like , oh yeah , I had that dish really , really quick , required a lot , of a lot , a lot of wine to make . It was actually I was the one that required a lot of wine to make that dish .

My biggest fear actually was that I'd be driving the kids to school in the morning . I didn't drink in the morning , but I'd be over the limit from the night before and my biggest fear was that I'd be caught and it would be public . And then I was thinking about the other day . Actually , you know , that was a big reason I stopped .

And then I thought I just stopped trusting what was going to happen . I couldn't trust it wasn't even so much myself . I couldn't trust . It wasn't even so much myself . I couldn't trust the alcohol , I couldn't trust . And so I had to , I had to stop . That was enough for me . I didn't have to hit that rock bottom .

And I think it's important , especially for the mummy wine culture , is to know that you don't have to be an alcoholic , you don't have to hit rock bottom it . But it also grows with the tolerance grows . So it's something that a lot of people might think , oh , I don't drink that . You know I have a couple of drinks a night .

But if that doesn't feel right to you , that's when you have a look at it , because you would have had the same as me , that niggling voice .

And it's interesting because I work with so many of my clients are , you know , in that similar space where you know they're just drinking wine every night , like two to three glasses of wine , and nobody would ever think that they are having a problem or struggling . But they just can't stop .

They might do a dry January , they might take a week off here or there , they might really intentionally do that , but they keep on going back and it's that whole thing . It's like what is wrong with me ? And I'm not , I'm not gonna , I'm not gonna go to , you know , these AA meetings and declare that I'm an alcoholic , like I'm , it's in , it is .

It can be a really , really tricky place . And so I love working with these women who was like , okay , no , there's , there's nothing wrong with you

, you are not an alcoholic , you are just you , you are . You know , we have just associated those hardwired associations between relaxation and alcohol and we just drive that pathway deeper and deeper and deeper Every time . We open up that bottle and pour it at the end of the day and go ah , and it's so supported by society .

Oh , everyone's doing it , I'll do it . I'm the one that would come in hungover each day , though , you know , but it it's . It might for some people it might be something .

They just say they might not even go home and have that wine , but for me it was like , well , there you go , it's normal , I'm going to do it because I work in a hard job , you know , and it's very supported by society . I saw on Facebook we have visuals for our kids and it might say desk work first and then choice .

It was one for adults Work first , then wine , and I just I look at them now and I just go , ooh , that was an enabler to me .

They took that same methodology to get women to drink . And when I read that I'm like you get angry . Like we're just a bunch of pawns . Yeah , and now we're pouring this toxic , addictive substance into our body . Yeah , yeah , and now we're stuck with it . And now what's wrong with me ? How do I , how do we get rid of it ?

Like I've been using alcohol to relax for so long . I've been using it as my relaxer , my connector , my soother , my all these things . You know , I remember , and you might remember this like you . You , you get home again . I'm four kids . I've been at a school .

You know a school function and it's crazy , it's chaotic , like my kids are all over , I get everybody in and I walk and I remember I'd walk in the door and it's like seven o'clock at night and I cannot get that wine down myself fast enough . Oh , yeah , because I know that that is going to take the edge off . Now , not every night was obviously like that .

Sometimes it's just like that slow drip , just taking the edge off , just taking the edge off , just taking the edge off .

And then , even on those nights when I don't need to take the edge off because my body is just habitually used to that , because there's wine left over in the bottle from yesterday , I'm pouring it to take the edge off , whether I needed it or not .

And understanding that , that , that association that we have with alcohol , some of it is just that whole setting , like we see , let me back up a little bit so that that hardwired kind of animal part of our brain , it doesn't understand language , it only understands sensations .

So our body is feeling , you know , we're feeling anxiety , we're feeling overwhelmed , we're feeling all of're feeling overwhelmed . We're feeling all of that stuff and it's sending signals to our brain and our brain goes oh , I know the answer , it's alcohol and it's all hardwired . So our logical thinking brain might have said I'm not drinking today .

But your , your hardwired , automated part of our brain , says , oh , you're , I'm feeling these sensations and this answer , this is the answer and and at all costs , we are going to go with that answer . But the reality is part of that relaxation is , visually , your body's seeing .

You're opening the cupboard door , you're pulling up that glass of wine and your brain is already going oh , here we go . Here's relaxation . Then you pour the bottle in and then you drink that wine , you drink the alcohol and then alcohol does have that numbing effect . Your body's going , ah . So you know , one of the first things

that I always talk about with my clients is like , okay , what are we going to put in our glass instead ? Because we still want a transition drink , we still want our body visually , we want to see that glass , we want to pour something , we want to taste something . It just doesn't need to have alcohol in it .

So that's part of it and the other part of , in terms of relaxation , there's so many like amazing , beautiful adaptogenic herbs , you know ashwagandha , althene , lemon balm . You know , in the evening I used to always have a glass of wine and I'll have a nice cup of tea .

And again , because it is sending messages to my brain when I'm holding that cup , the cup is warm , I smell the tea , the tea smells good , I taste the tea and it has just some nice adaptogenic herbs , you know .

And then the other thing is just like taking a look at what is my life like during the day and how can I put some things in place to relax my nervous system that doesn't include wine . So so I don't get to that pushing that , that , that tipping point that says F , it , I don't really care , I know the answer .

And so a lot of that is just really starting our day with a grounding , orienting , centering . Like there's so many beautiful apps , like right now I'm using the app called calm . Yeah , and every day there's the daily J and the daily calm and um .

So just starting out our nervous system in a relaxed way and then for me , understanding um , okay , as my nervous system is getting over activated . Okay , what do I need to do ?

I need to bring it back in um through through breath work , through just getting outside and throwing a ball with my dog , just moving into a different room , just changing the state that we are in , because the reality is we're using alcohol to change our state and we can use our senses to change our state . We can use our breath .

Our breath is one of the most powerful tools that we have and you might be familiar with the four , seven , eight breath , where you breathe in for four counts , you hold for seven , you exhale for eight . That was developed by Dr Andrew Weil and he teaches this to the Navy SEALs to remain calm , focused and clear headed in the heat of a mission .

So when you think about it , you know , think about like we get really over activated . Our nervous system is on like high alert and we have trained at that . Alcohol brings it back down . We can use that . We can use that 478 breath for two or three minutes that takes us from high alert to calming ourselves down and think about it .

If you know you've got you've got these Navy SEALs . They are on a mission and they could be thinking and spiraling about everything that could go wrong and be nervous and anxious .

And you know their breathing is all over the map , their head is all over the map , right , but through our breath that really opens up that right side of our brain , our wise part of our brain . It settles down our nervous system so that they can stay in laser focus action .

And that's the same type of thing that we can do to stay in laser focus action where our right brain , our wise brain , that prefrontal cortex that says I'm not drinking today , that prefrontal cortex that said we poured the bottle of wine out this morning and we are not getting more , stays online . Because what happens when we do get over activated .

When we do get completely overwhelmed , our prefrontal cortex , our logical thinking brain , goes offline because it's not required . Our body is in like this , fight flight mode and the only thing our body needs to do is , you know , sending stress hormones to either run , fight or collapse .

And there may not be the proverbial saber-toothed tiger in our midst , but our body is feeling like it is . So breathwork is one of the most powerful things we can do . So I guess , getting back to your question of you , know what are some of the key things . First of all , it's just starting out .

My day , calm , grounded In my evening routine is my wine down , tea having , and I don't do it anymore .

But when I first started , you know , every day , at you know five o'clock or whatever time , that I was cooking dinner or would have normally reached for a glass of wine , I grabbed that same wine glass , I poured club soda , cranberry , some limes and um , and that was my treat .

Right , because I still deserved a treat , I still deserved a transition , right and um . And then just making sure , like I'm getting out in nature , I'm moving all those ing anything but anything , ing any of the ing activities except for drink ing yeah is so good for your nervous system , so it again . It's all about the nervous system .

And by taking that breath and noticing that breath , noticing how it feels , calms our heart rate , we can get back into our body . And so my favorite thing to do when I am in overwhelm , when I am in a stress response is like okay , take a deep breath . Okay , what would a wise adult do here ?

I got a shift out of my left side of my brain that is just spiraling . Take a breath . And then I asked myself what would a wise adult do here ? And I think about that Okay , what's a wise adult do here ? All right , take another breath , settle in , get into the present , settle , settle in . What would a wise adult do here ?

Oh , I can think of nothing worse , but honestly , I can think of nothing better . Now , and you and I are here to say that's what happens , this becomes it's my dopamine , it's my . It excites me , you know .

So there is a great , great life after alcohol , because I just know for people listening when I was drinking , I would just cringe at everything , but it's so good on this side .

spend a couple minutes and breathe , I'm like there's nothing , that two minutes of breathing is going to do for me , because I'm like a go big or go home type person . Two minutes is going to do nothing . And it took me a while to understand , like , okay , it actually is very , very powerful . Just a couple of minutes , just a couple of minutes .

And now I've got in my office , I've got a little chase lounge and I've got a weighted blanket and if I get really over activated , I'll sit there , I'll put my weighted blanket on , I'll just listen to just you know a little five minute thing on the call map . Or just breathe , maybe make yourself a cup of tea . Just , I got to get back into my body .

I got to get out of that spirally thought pattern that is really amping me up .

Get into my body , get into my body , cause you know our where we have the opportunity to take that next best right step , to take the best action is in the present , in our body , and most of the time when we are spiraling and spinning , we are in the past or we are in the future and we are nowhere near today .

So by using those body experiences of breathing , you know there's I'm familiar with havening . Havening is that , that whole touch , like when we start , we start on our forehead and go through our cheeks and cross over our collarbone and , you know , like giving ourselves a hug .

You know , for most people the sense of touch is really , really calming to our nervous system and to that that havening practice is such a beautiful way again , just within a couple minutes , to calm us down . Because , again , remember , we use alcohol to take the edge off , just to take the edge off .

So if we can use a little bit of touch to take the edge off , a nice little bit of tea to take the edge off , a little bit of breathing , just to take the edge off , enough to go , ah , okay now I can face the rest of the day .

It doesn't have to take long , and that's been the best thing for me , because it is . You know , that's exactly what we're doing . We're calming our mind and then our vagus nerve calms and it's literally changed my life . So I just love everything that you're saying . It's so valuable and it works , it works , it does work . Give it time as well .

Give it time Because , as I said , as you said , the deep breath , it's like oh , come on , that's not going to work , it's not enough . But when it becomes a practice , right , yeah .

I just need to take the edge off just a second so that I can take it . Take a breath , okay , what , what , what's what's important now ? There's this acronym win . What's important now ? There's this acronym WIN . What's important now , what's really important now ? What's the next best ? Right , step , right .

And I totally get you with that whole thing of meditation , because everybody's like , oh , you got to meditate , you got to meditate , and like , after me , sitting here for 20 minutes to think of nothing is never going to happen and I'm not even going to try .

But when we do these like short little things , again , it's just just to take the edge off , just to center us , just ground us a little bit . Meditation is not . For some people it is , but for me it is not sitting there for 20 minutes not thinking about anything . Mindfulness , for me it's taking a breath , it's listening to the sounds . What am I hearing ?

It's feeling my fingertips . It's wiggling my toes . What do I smell ? What do I taste ? Visually , you know , looking outside . Okay , let me find three instances of a color blue in my room . We got to use our body , our senses , to tell our body that we are safe .

And when I can look around in my room and say there's three different colors of blue , I can touch my desk , I can touch my chair and your body's like okay , you're okay , I know where you are in space . We're out of that spirally loop .

I'm in my body and it sounds really kind of woo-woo or whatever , but it but it's and I thought it was , but it's actually it's . It's not , it works Like it really , really works . So anybody listening to here who is like ready to shut this off , saying this , this has gone a completely different direction . I really encourage you . Um , you know these apps .

You know um , calm headspace , happier , all of these . I think they most have like a like a seven day trial . Download it , listen to three minutes , just notice what you know , um , cause it does make a difference .

You , if if that is you , you'll know what I'm talking about . If it's not you , that's OK , but it is an alternative for Path Year Two and some , but it's a really great program for people to find a place to land . It's a great community . We do a lot of really cool content and a lot of great work and and yeah , that's it .

Oh , and one other thing , I do have a special download for anybody , if you're interested .

It's how the heck do I relax without wine , and it's some specific tips , tricks and techniques on how to do that , some of the things that I've talked about today , and it will go a little bit deeper for you , because the reality is , if we are removing something that has helped us relax , we have to replace it with things that really do help us relax .

Otherwise , we are just like in this netherland , going , oh my gosh , what just happened ? And then you and you will be much more predisposition to go back to drinking . So we've got to look at ways to replace what that drink was doing for you . So if you're interested , it'll be in the show notes . How the heck do I relax without wine ?

you soon . Bye .