The Nicky Glaizer Podcastiser.
Here's Nikki.
Hello, here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicky Glazer Podcast. What's up everyone, Brian, Noah, how are you?
Hello? We're doing fine. We're both doing fine. How are you well?
You don't speak for Noah, how dare you?
I was drinking, Okay, I'm fine.
Yeah, that's all I text Brian. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anyone said I'm fine, and it's been not like I'm fine. It means not good.
Oh yeah, yeah, it's fine. This is why English is such a difficult language to learn, because people none of the words mean what they actually mean.
I'm fine, and it's it's tone obviously, or girl, you're fine, Oh yeah, oh you're fine. Like fine is like oh, don't worry about you're fine, or it's like you look fine.
You say to something in hospice that they're fine. Yeah, I don't fine, Yeah you'd be fine. Everything's going to be fine.
I really I use that tone a lot. I really try to like make people feel better about things they're worried about by being like, come, yeah, it's fine. It's different. I love going it's fine. Who literally who cares?
I think that's a great tone. Sometimes I'm looking for that tone when I feel like I did something wrong or there's something that's going to be a catastrophe.
I know people are I am too, That's why I give it. I try to give it as much as possible. Oh my god, not a big deal at all. Oh, come on, yeah, that's that's right.
So the worst thing you can do is selectly you go like, oh, man, do you think I messed up that job interview?
So what would you do if I said that? NICKI do you think I messed up that job?
What do I think you did?
What do you think you should do? And then I'll give you what you shouldn't.
Well, I don't know if you did or not. I want to be honest with you.
Oh okay, okay, So yes, I definitely messed up the job interview, although you know, not so bad.
I didn't like go in there and take my dick out.
Yeah you probably did, but like literally, who cares? Like you don't even want that job anyway, It's it's gonna lead to something else, And everything happens for a reason. And the truth is, you might have messed up that job interview, But what mistakes you made in there you won't do in the next one that might be more important, And that is the real lesson here. But yeah, you sucked it up big time. No, no, I will. I will give you a don't. If I really think it is not a big deal, then.
I'll go, oh god, okay, okay, okay. So how about this maybe lower the stakes a little bit? And I go, oh, man, do you think I was rude to that barista?
What? No, they don't care.
No, it sounds like you think I was horrible to the barista.
Oh it does? No? Oh no, but well I'm being honest.
Yeah, No, they don't care.
They deal with stuff all day long that you and you weren't like is isn't that count for something? If you didn't mean to be like? Can't we just all if you if you don't mean to be rude and someone thinks you're rude, can't you let yourself off the hook? I? I can, But I can't let myself off the hook. If someone thinks I suck at something I did, like career wise, and I tried that, won't that will make
me feel better? Be like, well you tried your best, right, That doesn't help but if some things I'm rude when I really wasn't being rude, I'm like, oh, well that's kind of their problem.
Well that's a great corollaria because let's say I just went up on stage and I didn't do well, and then I come off stage and I go, did I just bomb?
Yeah?
How would you? What? Would you just go? Yeah, I have a friend.
I have a friend who they suck.
Yeah, and then you go up there and annihilate. So what's then? What do I think they suck?
They just listen somebody I bomb all the time. That's what I would say. I would say, Oh, I've had a set like that. You were just off like yeah, yeah, it's not always them, and it wasn't them this time because I just killed. But yeah, you just had a bad I'm not gonna judge you for it. I would never look at that performance and be like that guy sucks. Like you're allowed to have a shitty set. That's what I would say.
Okay, so what do you think about this?
I have a friend who does the exact opposite tact, and he just says like the worst possible thing you can say in an effort to get you to just come to terms with it immediately so you can move on. It's like, for example, I had a girlfriend once and she broke up with me, and I go, I go to my friend, do you think she's like having sex with other people right now? And he was like probably, yeah, what do you think about that tactic?
That honesty suck? Probably yeah, she's probably put's a tacked and tactic. I think that, Yeah, I don't think that's Yeah, sometimes you just do need to know the truth and yeah, because sometimes people are like, my life sucks, and I'm like, yeah, it kind of does, but like it's gonna to get better, can't get worse. Like I think being lied to is doesn't do anyone any favors. But yeah, then that happened. Where someone is like, is just the pain of thinking
them hooking up with someone else? And I'm like, they definitely are, and I've thought that. I just am like, yeah, but it's like sad and empty and I'll miss you. It'll make them miss you faster, So let them go out there and do that stuff.
That's interesting.
Yeah, whenever someone goes through a bad breakup, I always give them. My tact is always to give them false hope because again. Yeah, slowly ribble it out of them until they have no hope. But you can't just go straight to yeah, they're fucking someone else and they love them more than you, and then they are coming back.
Oh no, I do. I never do the never coming back. I always say, girl, I got back with my boyfriend who I'm with now. So many times we broke up, so many times I thought it was over forever. There is never. You are never out of hope, And I will never judge you if you reach out to that person at a time of weakness, like like, just make it do, be as messy as you want to be part of it.
Yeah, having that glimmer of hope. And then and then on top of that, the person who you say that to, that's exactly what they want to hear, whether it's true or not. When you will go through a breakup, the number one thing you want to hear is you're probably going to get back together, even if that's not.
Good for you.
I always say that I know you're getting back together.
And never I don't ever want to say that. That's so interesting that that's what you say. My go to is always like, which I don't know if it's a good one. But it's always like you know, every relationship has a purpose. That's you know, this one will mean something in your life.
Maybe you can't get sad about a relationship. I'm not out of just based on this. Every relationship has a purpose. Okay, when people are like you are starving to get back into that and you're like, don't work, it's but but just give them like what is it? Because sometimes you just need the hope it's not gonna it's not going to lead to more. They're already as upset as possible right that.
Raw, you're not ready to have a holistic, a big picture approach to me, not at all.
Just tell people they'll get back together, tell them that they're gonna regret it, because ultimately they probably won't get back together.
A lot of times that does happen, so you won't be wrong. I never trash the other person because of this.
I go so hard I will find I there are people that are currently with people that I have said horrible things about their physicality because that's what I do. When Schumer used to do that with me and my friends, Like when we would be obsessing over a guy, she would just like find like, you know, if I think one guy looked like a like, she was like, he looks like a marionette. And so we just were sending each other pictures of marionettes and being like do you
really want this guy? And you just like write, you write the most awful things possible about the person, so that the person is almost tries to be disgusted by them, and and it's fun. It's fun to just like really bully someone with your group of friends in a cruel way. But then they get back together and yeah, it's a little bit weird, but like I stand by what I said.
He did look like a fetus. He does have fetus face, but it's like a hot fetus, Like a lot of guys have fetus face, and it's like a hot look. I can't even go into it because I feel like it will implicate my friend. But like, you know how fetuses like look like like they're like their eyes are almost quam.
Like does does face?
I say quam as in like clam like they're like clamshells, Like they're like kind of like And I'm don't think that I'm saying anything about an ethnicity here.
This is like not one of your high school terms.
Yeah, there was a who my friend was dating, and this was while they were dating and very happy. But we we called him. We can't really, I can't really get into it, but we said he, uh, it's too cruel because if anyone were to connect it, I can't handle it. But his eyes were quam eyes, where the skin on the top was the same as the skin on the bottom, so they.
Looked like clams, like clams like cartoon.
He kind of talked like he had like he kind of just like had a lockjaw, and so he would have said it like quam. So we called him quam eyes.
Yeah, I mean, this.
Is insane, but yeah. So so I once called the guy a fetus face, and I like put his picture next to pictures of fetuses, like I download an app so that I could like have the square next to the like you know, pictures of fetuses and then him and be like, fine, which one is him? Like you can't tell, just so I could really drive it home that he was not attractive, but he is attractive, and.
The in the womb, it's a fetus as soon as.
No newborn too, fetus newborn like you know, like new like where their eyes are like like like like like pokemon balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a little bit. It's it's rude. And someone could call me horse face and they have. I mean, there's a million things that I could be called. I also, when you were.
Saying this to your friend, did she laugh at it?
Or she laughed? But she was also like stop, like she told me to stop. So I stopped pretty quickly. But I just wanted them to know. I just yeah, I was trying to help, and yet it didn't because they're they're together, and I'm sure she doesn't think about it, and I don't really think about it because I now
I love this person. I could never see that in them now it's like a hot look, but there and and I even went so far as to prove that this was a hot look by making a collage of every Hollywood actor that has fetus space and there's tons I can't because then we're gonna be able to connect to who they make like and you're gonna be able to decipher and I just cannot have that out there. But it's not fetus. I was just trying to be the meanest version of this, even though I was calling
a hot guy feature a bad thing. Yeah, that's just what you do. You do do that? Noah, what to No.
I I have to be honest to friends, and I also am very cautious because a lot of my friends have gotten back together with their exes. So I've learned my lesson to not trash the ex because then it's like, wait, you know what.
But I'm a very forgiving person, and so I guess I extend that to all of my friends. Where if like I've.
I've thought things about Chris that are not kind because I've been broken up, or I've been in a fight, and we all have about our partner where we've like and if I can get back and like never see those things again or like, have no problem with those things. I expect my friends to be able to do the same thing. But when they're in a place of hurt, I think it's nice to pile on and I just expect them to be able to lift it as as they get back together.
I guess I do, yeah, the opposite, where I just kind of like pile on the compliments to my friend and say why she was so great and or in some cases it's a guy and why, like it's the other person's loss and stuff like that.
Yeah, but that's that's not gonna work.
That's just like banging your head against the wall because the person doesn't believe that in the moment, because they they.
You feel like such a piece of shit. Oh.
I always think of when Harry met Sally where she goes but he didn't want me?
She was like I said, he said he didn't want to get married, but now he's engaged, So what's wrong with me?
And it's like, oh, man.
Have it?
We all felt that where they like the guy tries to let you down softly by saying I don't want to date anyone. I'm busy, and then you find out he's dating someone else, and so you're like, it has to be me, and it is you.
Yeah, I have friend them. Maybe you guys can help me. He is just constantly getting friend zoned, and I feel so bad for him because he'll tap into the dating seat, we'll get someone's attention and then he gets friend zoned and how uh he's like five ten.
Okay, so okay, so van so I says he.
Attractive, it's average looking?
Yeah, okay, okay, okay, So he shouldn't have a problem. There isn't like some huge barrier to him.
Well, I think he's a hopeless romantic, to be honest, and he just g's the cart before the horse sometimes, you know.
Yeah, he piles on the gifts and things like that too early.
That's the mistake and all that. So every date, every date he goes on, he has to treat it like this is not going to go anywhere. This is just for fun and we'll see where it goes. He's got to apply that so cow vibe mentality. Whatever happens happens, man, which is like the most frustrating thing to hear from someone you actually like, but it's the only way to lock someone in.
Whatever happens happens. I'm just seeing where this goes.
I don't know, maybe this is something, maybe it's not for at least like a month.
You got to do that, okay, Yeah.
But or he just needs to be direct about what he's into right away, and like that's exactly what I told him yesterday. And not because I think he's probably scared of the rejection that has happened so much that he's like, if I I can at least keep her around and go out with her, and hang out with her a lot. If I just kind of keep it nebulous of like whether or not I'm romantically interested and not like lead either way, and so then by the
time he's like I can't take it anymore, it's too late. Yeah.
I was talking about if you're going on dates with people on on like an app or something like, it's a clear date.
Oh, this isn't.
This isn't that.
He's just hanging out with girls that are consider him his friend, then yeah, he shouldn't be friends with them if he wants to.
I'm sorry, these girls fucking know, like I listen, we've been there before. But I think you can know when a guy has a crush on you and it's not up to them to say something, because I think that sometimes it's like I've had guys turn on me and be like I like you, and I'm like, I just want to be friends, and then they're like, don't want to be friends anymore, and it hurts your feelings because you're like, but I had there's a good friendship here.
But girls, you know when a guy is crushing on you and that you're just trying to give them all the signals without like saying it bluntly like no, you know, but you don't, and then finally he gets the nerve to do something a little romantic, and then it's just awkward.
It's like, just you need to talk about boys a lot in front of these guys if you want a guy friend, they got to be comfortable hearing about guys or like, you know that you can't avoid those kind of subjects to keep the guy happy or to keep the guy your friend. And I think sometimes that happens.
Yeah, don't avoid the subjects. And also, yes, I think it's on both people. I think it's on if the girl knows that the guy's crushing on him and there's no chance, then she's being selfish because she doesn't want to be mean and say like no, we can't be friends if you if this is the way it's gonna be, because that seems mean. And also it's selfish because it's like, well, I kind of like having this guy fawn over me,
especially if I'm going through a bad situation with a guy. Actually, like it's so nice to have some guy who would like take a bullet for me fawning over me for as long as I want, doing whatever I want. Yeah, it's hard to let go of something like that. For the guy, it's like, if you want to get down with a chick, then you can't. You gotta you can't let that happen. You just gotta walk away. I mean, you can't be in that situation. It's just so right. It's just so I don't want to be mean to
this guy, but it's just so pathetic. If you go on, if you go on like man Internet like stuff like the Joe Rogan's Fear, they'll say this phrase, don't put the pussy on a pedestal, And you know, obviously that's a crazy phrase and he says pussy and whatever, but it's so true. And when I was dating it actually helped me to think like that. It's like, you can't just because they're a hot girl. You can't just say that they are above you and like they're the queen
and you're this peasant. You have to put everyone at your level.
Yeah, yeah, that easier said, but yes, especially if she's so hot and you guys are just craving sticking your dick in something so badly, you like can't help it. It's like it's that you can't have mind over matter, like you just your body wants it and you'll just
fall over yourselves to get it. I mean, yeah, even hot hot girls intimidate me and make me want to act differently around them, and I have to not put the pussy on the pedestal and just be like, just because she's hot does mean she's better than me, or doesn't mean I yeah, doesn't mean she's better than me, or that I am somehow beneath her. But I tend to feel that way a lot of times.
You know what Neil Strauss said, the Game or the palle.
That's what these guys need to read. Yeah, the Pelican.
Peacock, mystery peacock guy.
He said, yeah, that girl's hot, like you're hot and all, but hotness is common. He would say, there's so many hot girls out there.
It's like just TikTok and Instagram, and you're like, there's so many hot girls.
Yeah, and maybe none of them will fuck you, fine, but there's there's do you just move on to the next one if they don't like you. There's plenty of one of them that one of them will fuck you eventually, if they're in the right state of mind, if they're
just like depressed, they want to rebound. Yeah, Or if they've just been through a relationship where the person was hot and a piece of shit, they're gonna be open for a nice guy who's maybe not as hot, but but is ready for like a relationship that's loved.
You just got to meet the person where they are.
You'll find I'm really glad to have to be in a relationship because I can have guy friends because I'm in a secure relationship where my boyfriend doesn't care if I have guy friends that are like my friends that I've known forever and we have our own relationships and he doesn't need to monitor it because he's secure in our relationship. If he wasn't, he would be like, what are you hanging out with new guys? And then also the guy friends I have, No, I'm in a relationship
that's secure and so there's no weirdness there either. And it's like, I think it's a place I've never been in my entire life where I feel secure on both sides. Yeah, And I didn't think that I would ever have that of being able to have guy friends that are separate than my friendship with Chris or like you know, from they don't need to be our friends. I mean most of them are, because why not. I love Chris and he's my friends, so why wouldn't I. I always want to
combine all my friends. But I'm able I would be able to have male friends because and I don't think Chris and I have always been in that secure where I would have been okay with that or him having girlfriends or h me having guy friends. And now I feel like, oh, this makes sense because we just both know we ain't going nowhere.
Do you have guy friends that are not in the industry.
No, because that's how I don't have friends that are not I mean old friends, you know, from high school. But other than that, I mean Sara Alina is my only friend that I've made that's new that's not in the industry, but she is in the industry now. So everyone I know I've met through through work.
Well that makes so that makes more sense to me, even outside of comedy, like because these are like coworkers that have become your friends in a way, yes, and even if you just started out doing open mics with them, and it doesn't feel like a workplace, in a way, it is a workplace. And so like if Ali just had some guy friend that was like, I don't know, she met at a bar, or that was in a pilates class, that would be that.
Would be intriguing.
But if there's a bunch of guys that she like is friends with because she worked with them for four years, different, that to me is no threat at all.
Yeah, I agree, I agree. I think it is different if I just like walked in one day was like, I'm gonna go start hanging out with Tom, who I met my plate's class, who's a straight man who just wants to hang First of all, he knows that I'm not like hard up for new friends. And unless this person was hilarious, Like that's the thing is I get to be friends with like really hilarious people, and so it justifies it where I'm like, Okay, I'm sorry, I'm
gonna be friends with David Spade. That's a that's anyone would you know? And you don't get you don't have to question that because it's like, Okay, that's a pre premium friend. Okay, we gotta go break and I want to when we get back, I'm having this laser thing that we talked about yesterday done to my face in a couple hours, and I want to ask Noah, like, what it's going to be like, because I'm a little scared.
I'll be back back after this, all right, So after this, I'm going to get the Moxi BBL Brazilian butt lift? Is that is always the BBL? Yeah? BBL. Don't know what it stands for, don't care either. What made you get it, Noah? Was it just recommended to you by your estetish?
So my hairdresser, oh recommended it because I like her skin is beautiful. She's maybe two years younger than me, and she just looks great. So and she's very forthcoming with all the things she does, which is what I really appreciate about her, because she shares it. And she was the one who told me about it, and she had sent me to the girl who does it for me now and it's great.
How many times have you done it? I've done it three times? Oh wow? How often?
I So I told the girl, I was like, this is my push present to myself, Yeah, which is a present that you get after you push out a baby. And I was like, for the first year, I just want to be like on top of it, aggressive and just like, you know, give myself a little bit.
Of a rejuvenation.
So I did it. I think I did it every like two months, and then this year I'll do it once a quarter.
Like okay, Tex, And have you already seen results?
Oh?
Yeah, for sure.
It definitely improves the surface of my skin. The one thing I wanted to warn you about that freaked me out at first. So basically, what will happen is like your skin, like all these like brown spots happen from like burning it, and then all this stuff comes out and you'll see kind of like varicos veins on your nose.
You might see those. Oh I've seen that before on like micro needling and stuff.
Yeah, and I was like, oh my god, am I gonna have an old man's nose from now?
And this is like my grandfather's nose right right? It looks like an alcoholic sun beaten, right, shipwrecked nose? Yeah exactly.
But it does go away, okay, in time.
It's like five days, right, and then you can probably put makeup on it after like the second day.
I'm guessing it just depends how much of it starts to fall off. Like for me, it started to flake off from the center to the to like where my ears are, so I could kind of put the foundation over the front.
But what is this doing?
Like it gives you good skin texture.
It like burns by burning off the top layer of skin and then you just have like fresh skin underneath.
I think it's much more like it's so much boush your collagen. I barely have any makeup on and it gives me. It gives me like a you know, like low like red not red cheeks, but just kind of like healthy looking cheeks, you know. And how much was it? I mean, this is not cheap shit. It also depends like where you live and stuff.
Yeah, that's true. Cheaper here tu soon you can just go lay out in the sun.
Well, the sun year is really bad. I mean I used to never put sunscreen on my face, but I have to now.
You never put sunscreen on before.
Unfortunately, just like the way that I was raised, my parents were always putting us out in the sun and lathering us up with baby oil.
So yeah, baby in the name, put it on your babies exactly. We would spend the whole day at the beach.
Just wait, baby oil not for babies.
I think it is for babies, but I don't think it's for like babies on the sun.
No. Yeah, some more information on the bbl's.
Okay, let us know what it does.
Now.
I'm subscribed like seven OnlyFans accounts, but I have MOXY and BBL is actually two different things. Yes, and you're getting a bundle probably with where you get both at once.
Yes, exactly. I'm so glad you look at those up. I I just blindly go into these things. Okay, so I don't care, just make me look good.
BBL is a intense pulse light that stands for a broad band light.
And I thought moxie they say, is a non ablative fractional laser energy.
Now that means, okay, doesn't hurt. I heard it doesn't hurt.
Moxie feels like you're getting warm kisses on your face.
Great.
BBL feels like you're getting little nails dug into your skin, but they usually numb you before. But still feel sick a little bit, but you'll you'll be able to handle it.
Here's also what you need to know. Moxie is more expensive, almost twice as expensive as BBL. Oh that's right, So maybe Moxie is like the more advanced one that like doesn't hurt as much.
Isn't fair to people who can't afford it. I just want to just reiterate that if you can't afford this shit, just please know that. It's like when you look at someone's nice car and your car is not nice, Like you can't compare it. You're just like, oh, that person has a nice car and I but it's it's not fair because people aren't just put slapping moxibbl brand sticker on their foreheads, so you know that's what they've done.
They just seem to be better than you for some reason, or they eat cleaner or something, which is a part of it too.
Well.
That's why people love making fun of someone when they get bad work done, because it's like, Aha, you spend all your fucking money and now you look like this.
When their Palisades house burns down, Like I'm jealous you have money and I want it to backfire on you. Yeah, And you know it's a natural reaction to feel that way. I almost went off. I you know how sometimes I'll just like write out a comment and I'll be like car and I want to send it, and then I don't.
I did that today with them. There's something about Taylor Swift's jet and it was like all of the shortest trips Taylor Swift ever took on her jet, the shortest trip she ever took was four miles, which is walking distance. It's like, okay, you want Taylor supposed to walk four miles in Paris or like in in in the outside in the Paris countries or French Southern French French countries side.
Jet four.
I don't know. I don't know. But they're like it was to save money. I'm like, I doubt that. I think it was probably for security, and like it's not the problem again, like this is the oil companies are the problem with climate change, not celebrities taking private fucking jets.
It's what the oil companies did was they made a bunch of propaganda and that is part of it, is just to blame it on celebrities and you and your carbon footprint, when really they could do even a little thing, and it would be immensely more than you could ever do in a thousand lifetimes of recycling and not taking jets and taking the bus and riding your bike. It doesn't put a fucking dent in anything. Compared to what they could do just a fraction of So stop blaming
Taylor Swift. And by the way, Taylor Swift, if you were her, you'd be taking these people who are like, I can't bull she could have walked that bitch. You would have taken a private jet a mile. Like all these people who are judging, they would kill for that kind of money to be able to not fly southwest. They all would do it. Unless you are like the head of PETA or the an ambassador of Greenpeace. I don't think you can put your money where your mouth is.
And when you when you judge these people for spending all this money, I think you would do the same thing if you had.
Believe the ambassadors of green Peace do it. The people who are in charge of these charities, once they get a little bit of money, they start doing all this shit then and then it comes out five years later where it's like corrupt CEO of Green Piece actually spent a seven million dollars on a house in the Turks and Kkos, Yeah, well.
I read some. There was some on the vegan subreddit. There was an article about me being a vegan or whatever, and they got into a huge there was all these like bickering inside the subreddit of and I don't usually read this stuff, but I'm like, vegans are nice. I would like to see what they're saying about me, and maybe they appreciate what I'm doing. I'm one of very few celebrity vegans at this point, because they're always like,
I'm not vegan. I used to be vegan and then they get louder than ever about it because it didn't work with my body and my lifestyle. Shut up, you just wanted to lose weight and you love your tone keto. Yeah, I'm just like, shut up, if you if you stop being vegan, shut the fuck up. Just shut up. You know you were vegan once, so you know it was the right thing, right, but now you're feeling guilty, right so you have to be extra loud about why it did work for you. Just don't be vegan and shut
the fuck up. You don't need to. You don't need to blast us everywhere. Everyone's already not vegan. You don't need to like retell us why you're not because you need to justify it. You know what you're doing isn't right. You know you're probably doing it to lose weight or to do something for some selfish reason that isn't about the animals. And by the way, I've done it too. We all justify these behaviors, but just shut the fuck up. We don't need more people telling us not to be vegan.
We really don't. And to everyone who is annoyed with vegans being loud, it's like four of us, so you can shut the fuck up too. Honestly, we're never gonna win if we went over three people and you have thirty less cows killed a year, So be it. Let us talk and then just flip past it. You don't have to listen. But anyway, in this vegan subreddit, they were getting so mad or a couple of people defended me. This one person shout out to whoever that was who
was like cause they were. They were getting in an argument about how I'm not loud enough and how I'm too gentle when I go on certain people's podcasts where I don't overdo it, and I kind to say, I don't care what you do. I'm not gonna preach it you. I just know what I do. I'm I'm right for what I do and you're wrong, and that's fine with me, and you have to live with that. And I really I'm not judging you for it. I did it for years.
I'm gentle about it when it comes to judgmental and like shaming people, even though I just said fuck you a million times to both vegans and non vegans, but.
Well, you're saying fuck you specifically to the person who quits veganism and then goes and loudly exclaimed yes because it's shut up.
Yeah, just shut the fuck up. And but anyway, this person was like, well, she has to be delicate because these people. If she wants to get the word out at all on these podcasts and get keep getting invited on this podcasts, she can't go fucking nuts. And that person saw it. I felt seen good. You can't overdo it.
You and I do have to be understanding. And I wish that a lot of I wish PETA and a lot of these different organizations would kind of come from my perspective of like a gentle approach to getting people to quit meat, because I know that's how I quit smoking cigarettes. I know that's how I quit alcohol. It's not being putitive to yourself, it's not feeling guilty. It's not feeling. It's not shaming you about me, it's shaming people about cigarettes. Showing them a picture of a dirty
lung doesn't get them to stop smoking. It makes them smoke more because they're stressed out about the fact that they're smoking, and the only thing they have to do to calm that stress is to smoke more. So you yelling at people about being vegan or not being vegan is gonna make them dig their heels in more because they're gonna feel distressed about it. And what makes you feel good when you're distressed food that.
You like spaking.
It's basic persuasion, Like you can't just yell someone into agreeing with you, just can't dig in more. It's with politics, like if you like, just think about this in any situation, like if you have an uncle or something who disagrees with you politically, if you just go over to his house and you start telling him he's a bad person and stuff, he's he's just gonna believe his thing more and then he's gonna plant the flag on the back of his pickup truck because you did that.
And guess what, calling him weird doesn't work either. We thought that worked for a second.
Yeah, man, funny that.
Yeah, it was so funny when we were all like, it's working weird really pisses them and they don't like call them weird.
We never thought about that to call.
Them weird weird, and we solved.
It all of a sudden. The flags came down so funny, You're.
Like, wait a second, am I weird?
Yeah? I just like do a gentle approach. Once in a while, I see a post because I'm in a certain mood. I'll be in like a depressed mood and I see a picture of a chicken that looks dirty and sad, and I'll just post it because it's just a gentle reminder. It's not it is a little in your face, but it's not me being like you're a bad person. I just say, hey, your you know your favorite breakfast food enjoys warm baths. Just think about that.
It's just like a nice, little, kind of sneaky way to do it, because over the top, it's just you want to do over the top. Of course, I want to scream and yeah, oh god, yeah, And I want to every time I see a post of Haley Baber wearing some you know, long fox coat, I want to write this is disgusting or whatever. It's like that doesn't that's only going to make people be like what a bitch? What does she stand for? Any No, it's just like
it's just not right. It's not the right approach. But anyway, it's like it's hard not to get not to see your name and get drawn into what could they be saying about me?
Well, it's just irrational for them to say, like you got to go on to like the Tiger Belly podcast and start like vehemently yelling about veganism. It's just not going to convince anybody, and it's going to ruin your career.
Yeah, and and and they wonder why there's no celebrities that are vegan. It's just like it's it makes it, it turns people off.
And also you're a comedian, it's like it's not your I get you have a platf. But it's not your job to convince anybody of anything. Your job is to make people laugh. And like that's the whole problem with with the joke, the great joke during the Golden Globes where it's like you can do anything except tell people how to vote. It's like, stay in your Lane, like, you don't need the public should not expect celebrities to fix the world. That's not why they're celebrities. That's not
why they were chosen to be celebrities. If you want people to fix the world, you should be looking to activists and politicians. Of course, celebrity can become an activist, but like, you can't expect like uh, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise to fix climate change.
It's it's insane.
Yeah, but it just seems like they should be able to because we have them, we have their pussies on such pedestals. Yeah, yeah, right, Like it does make sense that we go, like, why can't you speak up more? Like, you know, Taylor Swift endorse and Kamala felt like that was gonna do it.
Yeah, and it'd be calling them weird. I mean, what the fuck? How could that combination not have worked?
It's so funny. Yeah.
Well, uh and to say then their whole strategy was, I mean, we decided to call them weird and yet Taylor Swift to endorse them and it didn't work. And their whole strategy was just what to like convince the majority of Americans to vote for them?
I mean, how did that.
Work by running incessant ad campaigns that instilled fear where there's shouldn't be. I mean, it's not like they didn't do anything. They weren't. Just like Brian, you can't just say they were just running a honest, sincere, no noble campaign by any stretch of the imagination.
No, no, no, certainly not.
And isn't it we it is? Have you guys? The TikTok band was insane. I think it's so funny that, like there's so many people working on like sketches about it, and by the time they like shot their sketch that was gonna be like so viral on reels about the TikTok van, it was already lifted. That was so fun I did you.
See that A bunch of there was a people are crying. People on TikToker decided to come clean about their accounts before the did you see this?
You're gonna miss this.
I'm gonna miss this community where I got six thousand dollars a week from posting a video.
Of my tits. Wait what wait? I saw one guy coming clean was like, I'm just gonna say it. I don't like black people. It's just like, wait, what what this isn't? What this is?
This isn't like you're on the gallows and you get just say you're like last final statements?
Are you talking about that guy? There was one guy that was like, I want to talk about who I don't like, and he said that he didn't like black people at the gym because black people are already physically superior, So why are they at the gym when he he should be at the gym trying to keep up with whatever they are naturally. I mean, it was insane.
First of all, lead with that, don't end with it. It's like the ship's going down. That's such a weird impulse anymore, if you're in the Titanic going down, your last thing to do is to guess what I hate black people? That's so crazy to think that it was.
It was nuts. So I saw that, Wait what did you see?
So shit you should care about? The account?
Shit you should care about is leading the journalism on this, and they found that there was a bunch of accounts on take popular accounts where the influencers came clean as to why their accounts were frauds. Like, for example, there was one fitness influencer who says I posted those workouts, I never did any of those workouts like stuff.
Like that, what oh my god.
I or like a cooking channel and they were like, they.
Know there are other platforms that they can go.
Yeah, that's the thing about TikTok. That's that the TikTokers. That's insane.
Is it?
Like they're acting like TikTok is the only social media platform TikTok. They can't have any other access to social media.
That's really interesting. I never even considered that people that are telling me what workouts to do might not be doing them.
They're not doing that.
I'm like, how do their bodies look like that?
Then?
But it's like, oh, they could just be like naturally fit in that way.
Or they're doing like less like half of them, or eating well and doing sculp. But like you every day of a workout. Cool sculpting cool.
That I would not do because I've seen too many horrors of cool sculpting. But I will say I would love to go through my phone and see how many different squat workouts that I have saved that I've never once done ever ever of like the right positioning. I I have this one girl who's Irish who screams at me about your ladies during your fucking squats. You you fucking need to do it the right way. She just scratched her. Thing is that she cusses at you. She's
really cool. I like, I forget her name. Fuck, I wish I could remember it. She pops up all the time for me. And then I have Yeah, but I have so many different I just if I'm doing a squat the wrong way, it's because there's there's no excuse for me to do a squat. So is that's all I have? Show me the wrong way in the right way? What is that?
What you're saving on Instagram?
Mostly workout videos? Yeah, workout videos and like every more I get up and I do this with my hands guasho where it's like draining your face a puff or it's yeah, it's all those where I'm just saving different workouts that I never do. And I did do some gym workouts when I was in Hawaii from our vacation, and I just did ones. I never went to the ones on Instagram that I saved. I just went to like gym workout twenty minutes and did those and those are really fun.
Yeah, that's what I used to do all the time.
I mean before I went back to Equinox, I would do the I would do Pop Sugar.
Oh in your house.
I would do Pop Sugar.
I would do TV twelve as we all know, but I would do Pop Sugar also, yeah in my house. Yeah. You just type in twenty minute workout on YouTube Pop Sugar and they have a lot of great ones.
They have Apple Fitness now.
Which is also good, but yeah, that's uh, there's no replacement for in my opinion, weightli things. So when you do squats, are you using like a bar you're talking about like body weight squats.
No, what I'm doing, like you know what I'm doing, uh, like with dumbbells you're saying. Yeah, sometimes like sometimes I'll do a bar and do like you know, uh deadlifts.
Uh huh yeah that.
Kind of like just the positioning. I know all the positions for the different uh squats variations you can do because I've just watched the videos a million times, and I also watched like videos about you know, pelvic tilt constantly, and there is literally no one I can find who is fixed with evidence their posterior pelvic tilt. There's a million videos about doing it, but it it must be
something that takes literal years to do. I got this this special chiropractic thing that you're not even supposed to be able to buy unless you're like an you know.
And the guy that was talking about it, he was on the YouTube video, he was like, it's a traction tool and it had it's like a foam kind of block and at the top it has like a thinner line, so it's like really digs in, you know, and it's like a five inch block and you lay your back on it because I'm just trying to open up my lower lumbar back and get some lord nosis back in that bitch, and you just lay on it. But he said you should only do this. Hold for one minute.
Hold bitch, yeah, lordos. This is when your spine kind of goes in, and in order to have an ass you gotta have that little like curve of the spine in. So you're asking, is whoop and mine does not. It just goes straight down. And if I had the curve, my already flat ass would get it, would give it
something else. So I'm trying to bend my back in by laying on this fucking block that the guy said you should never you should not do this without a professional, And I'm just laying on it all day while I'm gonna I'm gonna fuck up my back so bad. I can just feel it already. But it's stretching out my back. I think, I hope it's It seems like a medieval torture device.
I have a I want to say something about just like exercise in general, because I did something yesterday that I've never done before, which is I got a dex of scan.
Have you ever done one of those?
No?
What a body spec it's one.
It's a it's a full body scan that measures your body fat and your muscle and your bones and stuff like that.
Do you have to like breathe while you're like with a mask on while you're running on a treadmill? I did that.
No, No, it's just laying down. It was really easy. It took like less than ten minutes. I just you just lay down and you this thing slowly scans you.
And they say, so weird.
They say, in the fact, the FAQ, it's a lot of radiation to do these decks of scans. And they say it's about the same amount of radiation as eating for bananas. Did you know that you get radiation from bananas? No, well I currently.
You can give your number to a guy through a banana. But yeah, that's nuts. Okay, So I'm.
Doing this DEXA scan.
It's cheap comparison, sixty dollars for there. Yeah, facilities all over at least so cal.
So you just got some numbers. You got your body fat percentage, you got.
What a break down, your bone density, your body fat, your visceral fat, like all these little categories. And it's really easy and quick. And so I wanted to find out if I was a fat piece of shit or not because you're not well, I.
Went told you by looking at you.
That's what I went to a gastro doctor and I said, am I a fat piece of shit? And he said, no, you look like you're in great shape. You're doing better than me. And I said, oh great. And then I went to my primary care physician and I said, am I a fat piece of shit? And he said, well, you know, you got a lot of fat around your belly, so you could lose weight. So I wanted to get a DEXA scan to see which person was right.
Am I fat or not? Turns out I'm fat?
You are?
Yeah, I'm fat?
What do you let me guess your percentage? Can I guess?
Yeah? My body fat percentage?
Yeah? No?
What you want to get on on this? Because I believe men are supposed to be around like six percent or something. I think women are like one hundred and fifteen percent fat? Like, are fat? Is like crazy compared to men's. Yeah, but I think are under ten? So I'm gonna guess you're like nine.
No, under ten would be like eleven? Yeah, nine.
You have to be between nine and eleven in order.
To is it?
Am I so off? What is?
If you're under ten?
You are like a ripped god professional athlete. I think if you're under twenty, you're you're in good shape.
You're not under fifty.
But if you're if you're what.
Are you under fifty?
He's I don't even think it's humanly possible. Is it possible to be over half fat?
You know what? I don't even know what?
You can be.
An old archaic tool.
Thirty thirty body fat. But what's what's interesting is that it's all around my stomach, like my arms and legs are mostly muscle.
And which for you, as you've aged, it's definitely.
Been getting bigger. It's because I stopped weightlifting. Oh what now I've started again. I'm getting my muscle back and I was doing TV twelve and pop sugar only. I'm telling you it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. Gotta lift weights.
God damn it. I know you gotta lift weights. It's not enough.
But here's the weirdest thing that I but I discovered. So I have my I don't have an unhealthy amount of fat. The fat's actually pretty good, but it's like just superficial fat that I can get rid of. But what's really interesting is my bone density.
I am in.
The lowest eight percent of bone density in the country and my age group.
That's horrible.
I've got horrible and so and here's the thing. My arms and legs bones are in like the eighty percent tile So I have super good bones in my arms and legs, but I have a really low bone in my torso and head.
I think you need to get a second duck. Such a study. I really do exa scam.
You think this is a mistake.
This is crazy that you that your pelvis is like four bananas in terms of the sturdiness, and then the rest of you is still being Yeah, that's crazy.
Okay, that really bad bone are supposed to do for that?
What do you do for your bone density and your torso well?
So I don't know, like you can gain bone density by taking supplements like vitamin D, magnesium and calcium, which I'm already taking already.
That your bones are like kind of brittle, Like can you feel it?
No, my bones feel great, but it is something over time. You know, you can get osteoporosis as you get older, they can break easily. But I the way you build your bones is by exerting weight on them.
So that is like we need more bone here.
Yes, and that comes from weightlifting, which I need to just get back to and I get my bones up, But I just don't know how to make my headbone bigger, Like how do you put weight on that?
Like I.
Have to wear it molment honestly. Yeah, that's okay. So I'm glad you got this information. I don't know what you're gonna do with it if it's gonna make you better or worse. When we get back, I want to ask you one more question. Okay, I have a question for you guys. If you could have one thing in your life just snap of the fingers and it's done.
Like whether it's a home project, a personal project, a physical thing that you want done that is within the realm of you could do it, Okay, Like it isn't just it's not like you win the lottery kind of thing and you have a yacht or something, but like something that you're like, God, it's just like weighing you down that you could do and you maybe aren't gonna get around to you. What would that thing be like?
Are you saying like a task or like a skill, a.
Task, a task, not even task, but like it could be like I want to get in good shape, and I wish I could just stap my finger. I know that would take months to do, but it could be that. But what what is your guys's mine is?
Although it would be the get in shape thing, but the more practical one is to finally finish my wedding album.
What no one's clamoring for that hunt.
But we have already paid for this wedding album and it's been almost a year and I have not finished hard doing it.
Then if you're paying for it, because.
Every time I start doing it, I get distracted and I'm like I don't want to go.
I mean, like, why are they putting it together for you?
Because we have to choose which photos we want in there? Okay, and then they the company puts it together and so it's like thousands of photos you have to choose like one hundred. Yeah, I'm like three quarters of the way there, but I just cannot finish.
I feel like you could do this.
Wait, why what is the hold up? Like why can't you do it? Like? What when when you have like a stillness and it's like I should do that? What is keeping you from doing it? Like you don't want to see pictures of yourself, You don't want to remember a time where things were felt better and EASi here, like what is it?
So a part of it is option paralysis, which I struggle with. And because I'm almost done, I know that I'll have to go back and do a round two to of all the folks, because you know, there's only a certain amount that can go on the album. Yeah, and I'm dreading the start of round two.
Okay, why don't you give it to someone who would like to do that, like a Kursten. That's a great idea. I actually give it to someone who, like, you know, throw it on the girls chat and be like, could anyone help me by looking at these photos and pick the ones you like? Anya? I think Like loves to do that kind of stuff. She's really good at, like helping make decisions when it comes to like. I felt the same way about photoshoots, where I'm like, I have
to choose the ones they're gonna edit. I only get tend to edit, Like I can't decide. I don't know because ultimately, yeah, it should be like what you want, but you won't notice if so.
I honestly wouldn't care. I'm not good at asking for help.
So thanks.
That's actually a very good suggestion, because I.
Think there are people that would like to do that, like it wouldn't feel burdensome for them. But I understand that the option paralysis is that like is but isn't that with like isn't it with everything like picking out furniture and picking out Yes.
Yeah, I think one of the problems is there's too many options, Like you need to limit, like you need to just like take half the photos and throw them in the garbage, so then you just have less to choose from.
But I still have to go through them, which is what I'm not good at.
Don't even go through them, just throw them out you don't have them, and then you have half left and then it's That's one of the they've done studies on this about happiness in general, where if you have more than like three to five options, it actually makes you less happy because you're just thinking about all the different ways that you could get the choice wrong, Whereas if you just have like A or B or C, then you just make that decision quickly and you're much happier,
even if the thing you ultimately wind up with is not as good as if you had one hundred different options and you could pick the number one best one, right, Well.
That makes sense. I just be happy with the fact that I got the task done.
How many times have you been ordering makeup online and there's too many colors to choose from, and so you just don't choose any No, really every time, all the time. For me, whether it's like a color of lipstick or a color of foundation, I'm like, I know that it's nice that they have many colors because there are many different colors of people and lips and things like that. But good god, I don't think we need that many. Yeah, I'm I'm with you on that.
Like with shoes, like I get these running shoes and they have I get Brooks running shoes and like they have like three choices of color variations.
I love how certain shoe companies are just like, fuck you, there's one page of results. Yeah, you're not even gonna go to the When I go to like anthropology to look at like new arrivals or like just tops, it's like a thousand pages of things you can go through, and I just can't.
I can't give me the best ones, the ones that are proven to be they are.
The best sellers, and that's just that they could lie to you. It's like when I used to work at a restaurant and whenever they would do the special of the week, it was just whatever leftover shit they had. They would throw it in a stew and say this is our special, and it would make it seem special, but it wasn't special. It was just the leftover. So I always feel like the best sellers or stuff they're trying to like offload.
There was someone saying this to me or something or heard it on TV show where it's like, no matter what you do when you go to a restaurant, don't get like the fish stew or the buoya base or something, because all that is is two day old fish put in to a stew.
So never I think there's ever a fish stew anywhere. That's what I'm saying.
They say, they've been telling me for years, never get the fish stew.
I just think that specials are oftentimes not unless there's a really nice restaurant where they're like, we just got the certain amount of this fish. Like, I think specials generally are things they're running out of and they just want to like kind of shove them all the other But I could be wrong.
That's what are your restaurants too. If you go to a restaurant, I mean, like if it's like cheesecake factory and they have like every single food on the menu, it's much harder to make a decision then if you go to a place that just has like fifteen options that we know are good.
Yeah. I mean, my thing that I would want done if I snap my fingers is getting rid of crap and like little cords and little like buttons and shit like all the drawers, all the things that I have that I don't want, Like it's been really hard for me to I just went through my I did a purge the other day and got rid of like five suitcases of clothing. Wo and I finally got rid of underwear that I don't want that I've been like having for five years, you know, like just this, and I
just don't wear that underwear. I only wear thongs now, like I just don't really unless I'm going I sleep in underwear that are like on my you know what, bikini style, but like, I only wear thong. I've trained my ass to be chapped and calloused enough that I don't feel it. It's like flossing. Wearing thongs is like flossing. If you do it every once in a while, it's highly annoying and you're like bleeding. You're bleeding. Your ass is bleeding. And everyone knows that you don't wear thongs
a lot because you're like ugh. But then if you wear them every day, you just get used to them. It truly is so uncomfortable when you first wear thongs. I couldn't even believe that anyone ever did it. And now I hate wearing them to bed because I want to, but I only kept some underwear to wear to bed, and then I got rid of and you can't donate underwear, right, so it's just like putting all this underwear in a bag and like just you're throwing it into a landfill,
like it's not going anywhere. There's no recycling going on, and that really stresses me out. And I got rid of all my socks that don't aren't ankle socks. All of my socks that go below my ankle gone. And that was like, I'm not joking you. Seventy pairs of socks that I just doing a bag, just ones that go above my ankles, like high above or that Emily told me to buy it. I'll show you.
I was gonna say, is that an almost Yeah?
They all the way up?
Oh, they go all the way up.
I just love them. They're like they're so comfortable to put on. I like the fabric. They don't have that like fuzzy feel like I like them to feel like. I don't know that some socks when I can see if your sock the sellow out of your sock, you can see the fuzz. I want to die. I want a hard like. I want to sock that doesn't have like fuzz in wool. I don't like wool like no, I don't like polyester because that makes me sweat. I want to be cotton, but I want to be like
a hard cotton. I don't know what I'm saying, but like the gray toed Haynes ones with the white and the gray.
Toe, that'szzr. So the the I can't believe.
In the early two thousands, we were convinced to wear socks that go.
Below the ankle.
Final thought.
I look back at those and I'm like, especially guys, I'm like why, Like the the, I can't think of anything less flattering than wearing a sock that like you.
Basically, I still think it looks good, but I can't wear it because it makes you look old. I you know, it's like the middle part thing. I just won't do it. It make I feel like it just I would wear because I have long legs, and I feel like it makes your legs look longer to wear no sock.
Oh, you have more.
Angle legs if you have long legs, especially skinny long legs, especially if you're a guy, you have to wear long socks.
I mean, there's just no, there's no way around it.
Why because you don't want your legs to look long and skinny?
Yeah, yeah, of course, Oh yeah, okay, do thick trunks.
I have long, muscular legs, and so I don't like the ankle sock look because I feel like it makes me look stubby and muscular. And I wanted that extra ankle length, but I don't get it anymore, you know, Like I do think it looks better to have your angle exposed. But that's just not what the trend is.
That's not it no more.
It'll be that in twenty years and twenty years, they'll be disgusting to wear high socks and you'll have to wear what ankle socks again? It the I do kind of like how everything's trending back towards the eighties now. Like if you go to like at the gym or something, everyone's wearing like like the same type tank tops. Oh my god, yeah, baggy tank tops. Some people are just
wearing like full fledged like baggy sweatshirts. But also like the socks are eighties socks, they're just like workout video what are those call those ankle socks? Yeah, like an so you're like ankle warmers going into leggings. That's just the eighties, amazing. No one they didn't think of this, gen z did not think of this.
No we thought of it. I don't. I can't even wear like, I don't even know what to wear for leggings anymore. I don't think leggings are in. And if you do wear a legging, I saw a thing about this, you have to wear a sweatshirt that covers your butt. Like it is not cool anymore to wear a sweatshirt above your buttah, and with yoga pants. Girls, did you know this? I didn't know this, But it makes you look like a soccer mom. And so you have to wear a really long sweatshirt that covers your butt, which
I think is a better look. It's like more modest. And I'm not one for being like cover yourselves up, ladies, But like with me, with my flat ass, that can actually have four quadrants sometimes, like I feel like I have four butt cheeks. Sometimes I like to have more coverage on my butt. Girls, you should be showing off your butts all the time. I would be flashing my ass non stop. If I sit in.
Style anymore, you just said we have to cover it.
Well no, no, I mean your bare ass. I would be I would be getting little idy bikinis. Girls are always complaining about, like why are there no butt coverage? If you have a full, big ass, don't cover it up. You don't need butt coverage. You have a big butt that has like a nice shape to it, even if it's big. It's like if yours has like all these different divots in it, I understand why wanting to cover it up. Mine has divots.
So that always been I mean, I try, I.
Try, I could try anything. I could probably get a BBL in the right place it's the front of my face in an hour to fix it. But it's just like I always a flat ass.
That's not like something that's happened over time. That's it's always been like that you're saying, I no.
I think it's like with age. It's like with kind of the sagging nature of skin. But it's also with when I used to be really skinny, like that's the first place, like I'd already don't have fat there anyway, and then when I'm really skinny, it's like there's it's just a little hanging skin in the skin, you skin.
You need more fat bearing on my ass.
Yeah, that's what the Kardashians do. They literally get their fat put on their ass.
And they take it from other places. If you get the fat put in your ass as that just for a stomach, I mean, I would love to donate some if that was possible, I would.
I would love to have your stomach on my ass. I wonder if it's.
Looks like an ass, to be honest with you, really, yeah, like the way that it's hanging out now, it really like if you just like took out of context the picture of my button and remove the belly button and it would look like an ass.
Yeah all right, I'll take your word for it. We got to go. Thank you for the podcast this week. Happy birthday, Kirsten. You guys, we'll see you next week. Tickets are on sale. They're all selling a lot, so I really appreciate you all coming out to see me. There are some tickets available on certain markets. Nickyglazer dot com. People listening to podcast, We'll see you next week, don't
be good bye. The Nicki Glazer podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart podcasts created and hosted by me Nicki Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf, video production Mark Canton, and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nicki Glazer podcast on YouTube, follow at Nicki Glazer Pod and subscribe to our channel