The Nicki Glaser Podcast.
Nicki Glaser pos.
Here's Nikki. Hello, here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer podcast here with Noah and Brian on this beautiful Tuesday in January. You're listening on a Wednesday or whenever you're listening.
Too, listening in a totally different month.
Yeah, you might be like just going back through old ones in a different year.
Yeah, it might be twenty twenty seven. What's it like?
Is it still there? Are we still here?
What would be going through someone's life that they'd be jumping back like three years into the Nicki Glazer podcast.
They're a completionist. Oh yeah, and they want to know everything. Maybe they're doing a article about me. Maybe something tragic happened to me, and they're writing a biography and they want every little detail of my life and this would be a great way to chronicle it.
Wow, I am So what do you want to say to that person?
I just will say stop looking. I would say try to get your hands, do not please, don't read any journals you find. I was in a crazy state when I was riding those and I tried to write in hieroglyphics as I wrote in a wing ing way that you would hear us ever, know, like I try to like write so scribbly that like not even I could because it's not about like having it be legible. It's about just like getting the thoughts on paper in a yeah, you know, so I try to make Yeah, I.
Didn't think it killed herself because of bicycle bats.
That could be I could see myself. Yeah. If if we were all like there was no more electricity or gas and so we all had to ride bikes and had like bat wings on them, I would literally be like I don't want to live anymore if I had to ride a bike. Oh God, say everywhere I go. Chris this weekend got uber eats and we were really lazy. It's so cold in Saint Louis. It's like one degree
zero right now. It feels like negative eight. But and it's been like this for days and days, and Chris got uber eats this weekend from a place that is like very close to us. It's kind of one of those like embarrassing ones, but you know, that's what you pay for, like the convenience of it. And they keep sending people on bikes and they have to travel on not bike friendly roads, which, by the way, the city is not plowed at all, and there was a snowstorm
here three weeks ago and it's still and there. It hasn't melted. So it's just like there are roads in the city that are just pure ice. And this this girl at like one in the morning is going to pick up a pizza and she has to travel three miles on bike down like real like almost on highways. I'm not even joking you, and then she picks it up and then has to travel like a block to deliver it. Like it was just it's criminal. You should be able to choose no, I don't want a bike messenger.
I don't want to subject anyone to that. And then just like in La, you can choose that you don't want the robot, because sometimes I would have the robot deliver things. It says like it's just a little blox you can check of, like opting out of automated delivery. It's they phrase it in a way that's not like it's not like I don't like robots because then they'll turn on you. It's like I don't like we appreciate it.
For us and reviewed in the years to come. I mean, if you say something derogatory about robots, now, you better watch out because in fifteen years you're going to be on a list.
Think of all the times you screamed at your devices, screamed at series, screamed at GPS, screamed at you know, Alexa for like being like, uh huh, what can I do for you, Brian, And you're just like, shut up, I'm not talking to you. Like I hate when they try to offer help and I'm not. I'm so mean all my anger comes out towards machines.
There's a corollary to this. There was a time when in like the thirties when people were kind of just like talking about communism and it like wasn't a big deal. It was just like it was like a little offshoot
of political speech. Yeah, and people would talk about it or they'd sign up for some list because of some newsletter, and then low and behold, fifteen twenty years later, the McCarthy trials happened, and anyone who did anything remotely related to communism was all of a sudden sent to jail.
Yeah, Like if they if a girl just went to a communist party like meeting to like learn about communism or whatever because she had a crush on a guy who was handing out flyers exactly. She would then be Yeah, part of what what happened to you if you were in the like, were you ex community? Were you you were tried? Right?
For a lot of people in Hollywood, they're excommunicated and tried barns. Yeah, from the business that they would They were not allowed to be in movies or make movies or write anything anymore. And some people in extreme cases were actually imprisoned.
Dear god. Yeah, that's why everything I write about mister T the other mister T is like, I'm just sarcastic in all of it. I just go, cool, what a cool thing, this guy's cool. I just say everything positive so that I could always have.
The sarcasm is I mean, you got to see some of the Okay, So on the internet, there is a lot of people that make jokes, right mm hmm. I've been looking at these jokes and so many of the comments people are people that just don't understand sarcast.
People don't get it anymore.
They don't get it. No, So that's what you're doing is like saving you because they won't get it.
They don't get it, and the people that do get it, you know, like I'm not talking anyone. I'm not changing anyone's mind by, you know, pointing out anything about him. So to the people who get it, like it's just it's nice, you know what. I'm not trying to change minds. I'm trying to show support for my people who might be out there feeling the same way. Like it's not all about like I'm using my platform to be like I'm gonna make a difference. I know, I'm not. I
don't care. I'm not trying to get people to like suddenly wake up. It's too late for that. I'm just trying to give some empathy to people who might be feeling a certain way. And like, oh cool, okay, just rewinding all of the Paris Agreement. Cool, what a cool move of the drill, baby drill. That's a really cool thing to scream into a microphone. That is so insane.
That's pretty fun though, try it. I mean.
It is catchy. Yeah. So, and I'm I'm I'm also wearing sunglasses to day on the podcast because my eyes are just like puffing out in a way I don't like. And if Melania can wear hat and look like a dick Tracy villain at the inauguration. I can do this. I did call it out on my on my I didn't call it out. It's just like, I don't even blame her. The woman has definitely had work done. No one can would ever deny that. I don't think I'm
sure they would. She's, you know, drank a lot of water and gotten a lot of sleep late lately, I guess, but she definitely that hat was a choice made at the eleventh hour because the swelling wouldn't go down. Are you kidding me?
I thought that was like a Despicable Me promo.
I realize that happened. So hilarious it was. It was definitely. So I put on my story upper left her heart because a bleth thoroplasty is called a breath and a blethroplasty is an upper eyelid job or an upper blethorprasci and so I wrote upper bleth her heart because those who know no, And if you don't know, I'd hope you google it. My mom was like, I didn't know what that meant, and I'm like, so you just like were like Nikki's stupid and just misspelled something like just
google bleath and then you'll know the joke. And she's like, I didn't think about it that much and I don't blame her anyway. So I just said, you know, obviously Malania had an upper eye job and it's not healed yet. Like I I'm gonna get one no no shade literal shade.
Because your eyelids when you're like one, your eyelids be wider open.
They they you know, your eyelid skin is very thin, and it gets baggier faster than everything else, and it starts to like yeah, and so they just remove like centimeters of skin so that your eyelids go back to not looking not like you. They look like the way the amount of skin you had before.
You know, some people also just have really like they're the opening is not like can't stay open, it's not wide enough and.
Like you need it likes yeah, because they will need to see.
Yeah, that's like.
Getting a DVA septum, getting a nose job exactly exactly.
I'm not going to out this person, but I don't know if they want this public. But I do know someone who got that. Yeah, I think maybe I did, But I know someone who got it done and this person loves it. It's great they can see again, what.
Do you see how beautiful they look?
Yes?
What do you think about those articles that they put out about like, uh, celebrities getting plastic surgery and just like you know, like just kind of like presuming what was done.
Like were they were doctors like chime in and say, oh yeah, there's this stuff on like social media or just like articles and stuff. Yeah, because I saw one about me that's a glow up. Did you see it? That's why I'm bringing it up because it's so wrong. Oh yeah, did they say I had surgery? They said that you had I lift.
But you've talked about it, and a couple of weeks ago you were just saying, how like people in Hollywood who get plastic surgery have too much time on their hands, like you have no time for it.
No, I haven't. I will. I'll tell you when I get whatever surgery. I promise you there's nothing I will do that I will not be honest about. I might do it after the fact because I just don't want people to like zero in on my recovery and like track it like that's annoying. But I I'll definitely let everyone know. I don't think there's any shame in it. It's like getting your hair done, like I or died.
I don't, I don't care. So that I saw one kind of pop up on my Explore page of like look at the glow up, and it showed me from my special Perfect, which I think I shot when I was twenty nine or thirty and then now and then it showed I think the the yeah, the golden globes and quite a glow up. But I will say it's lasers. It's botox, it's filler, and it's uh and that's it.
That's it it these lasers.
Yeah, I'm getting one done tomorrow. Actually, I'm getting the Moxie b B l in my piece. I just have that. You're gonna love it. How it was like five days to a week of like your skin looking kind of crazy Brazilian buttlers. That's what I thought. But my lady Jen Jones at the Method in Jenny Jones at the Method, that's where she is now. Yeah, she's show host.
Yes, she was on your face yeah.
Yeah, And so I used to have my One of my first jokes was that I was going to get I had a flat ass, and I looked into button plants and they're really expensive, but breast and plants are really cheap, So I'm just gonna get some tips put in my ass. That was pretty good, but uh no, yeah, it's it's called a Moxie BBL. That's the thing I'm
gonna do next week. I've never done it before. Before this, I've done I've done the uh what's it called micro needling where they like rub in your own blood that they spin around in a machine where they get like So I've done that, and then I've done Morpheus eight. I've done like two times. I think you need to do it like four or five to get the full effect, but I just kind of like dropped off. I don't know. I there's no rhyme or rhythm to anything I do.
All I know is that I just trust people who recommend things, and this was the thing that she recommended. There's another thing I'm gonna do that I forget the name of, but I'll tell you what I do what I get it. But the MAXYBBL is supposed to be really good, but I need a week of recovery, so yeah, I'm getting it. Tomorrow and then I'm not on the road for a week. It's it's amazing that I have time to do it, because usually I would I would not.
But yeah, you've been on the road all month. No, not at all, You've just been off. How's that meaning?
Not good? You know what I have to say? Like after the Golden Globes, I felt so sharp when it came to joke writing. I was so zippy. I was so quick, like even in conversation, I was just tag and you know, like it if you work it, you work it like I was. So I was so good at joke writing. And I feel like I wish that I would have had a like someone plan assignments for me every day or something, just to keep that muscle going, you know, like yeah, to keep that strength up. And
I think it's not lost. I mean there'll be muscle memory. I gain stuff from working so hard on the Golden Globes and being in those in that room with you guys, and just learning so much and just having the bar raised in terms of like if you want to be heard, you gotta be funny, you know, like you gotta.
Yeah, everything's a muscle. I mean you think, like, oh, if I don't play guitar or piano, could you? Everyone knows that you when you come back to it, you're not as good. But it's the same thing is true of writing, right, Like sitting down and writing, you have to practice and do and then you get better at it and you improve at it and as you practice it.
I'm reading this book called You'll Be Rusty, called The Breakthrough. Wait, what is it called? Let me look at it really quick, and by the way, I'm reading a third of it. You guys know, anatomy of a breakthrough, And it's about feeling blocked creatively or whatever it is, in whatever you do. And I'm right at the beginning of it where it's kind of talking about all the studies that have been done on people who get blocked and where motivation kind
of comes from. And they were doing this really interesting thing about they actually did a study on comedians where comedians think that once it gets we always just quit once it gets tough. If we're in a creative endeavor, you're working on a joke, you're working on a song,
you're working on a script. Like you work for a few hours and then you're like at a block and you're like you you would predict as a comedian, as a writer that if you continued working three more hours that the stuff you would come up in that three hours after you've kind of already you're like, you got all of it out right the first three hours, and
now you're like you've hit a wall. If you kept going for three more hours, you would predict a downgrade of the material, of the of the amount, and of the substance of it. But you would be wrong that studies show that the back end, after it's hard, you actually generate more creative things and you create more of them.
And so there's this it's it's called the cliff paradox or like something about the like something about the cliff the creative uh, the illusion of the cliff where it's like you think that once you reach the edge of where it's easy, that there's going to be a drop off, But it's an illusion, and there's actually much more to be gained once it gets hard, and we use that in all we can use that in all aspects of
our life. So I'm just getting the information right now and then it's going to teach me how to like break through those things. But I already use one thing in a pilates class, because it was talking about how no matter if you're a rat in a maze, or if you're a person in running a race, or if you're a girl in a pilates class, or if you're doing something that is required, you know you're working towards
the golden globes. Whatever it is you, at the start of it, you will work really diligently and really fast and really efficiently. And then in the middle you will slag and you will get bogged down, and you will produce less good work and less work. And then in the end, when you can see the finish, you will ramp it up again and you will do better. You'll run faster at the end of the race, and run faster the beginning of the race. In the middle of
the race, you're going to be not good. And it just for any type of activity, the middle always is the worst spot for people, and they just do the worst. And so to beat that, you're supposed to break up everything into smaller pieces so that you're constantly at a beginning and the end. So yesterday in Plate's class, I just broke it all into five minutes and even That was almost too much because I was like dying at
the third minute or whatever. I was just like, I just need pretend that you get to quit after five minutes in the class. It so you're just trying to get to that five on the clock. Now you're just trying to get to that ten. And it really made it there was It wasn't like a miraculous thing, but it did make it more interesting and surmountable for me than just having that like, oh my god, when you're at ten minutes in that class and you got to get to fifty, it just seems like what's the what's
the point? It just it's forever. And sometimes I go, don't look at the clock, thank you. See how long you can go without looking at the clock. That's like a way to trick my And then I look at the clock. It's twelve minutes. It's like and I think it's been you know, twenty two. So I'm learning things from this. Is it going to you know, change the way I do everything? I hope? So.
But well, that exact thing happened on the Golden Globes. Do you remember like three weeks in when we were like, oh my god, we've got nothing. Everything we're writing is terrible, Like everything is.
Terrible, think of anything. We were out of Joe, we were like, there's nothing else to be written about Wicked, There's nothing.
Were nothing, and we were literally like what who needs to be hired? Like what did we do wrong here? That we can't come up with anything at all? For like a whole week we couldn't come up with anything.
We were like, I was worried. There was a time I was worried where I was like, I don't know, I have the best people working for me possible, and we aren't there, Like it's not this monologue is not popping. And I thought that way about almost every kind of endeavor I've had of where it's like you in the middle, you just go, what is this? This is what is gonna be horrible? And I just have to remember that that's going to happen every single time. Yeah, you have to fight through it.
It's very rare that you get a really solid middle and then like the beginning and ends are bad. No, you start bad and then all of a sudden it's amazing and it's bad again.
Well, if you can always just imagine it being the end, like I've talked about this a million times on the podcast. I'm sorry, but it's the most interesting thing I've ever heard in my life. So I'm so sorry, but everyone
just needs to remember it. When there was a woman who had a brain accent, like an accident where a part of her brain was injured, and it was a part of her brain that was short term memory, so her memories started over all the time, and after her accent, she used to run races before this and she was fine.
And then after her accident where she lost her short term memory, she was doing ultramarathons and winning them because she wasn't she didn't know where she was in the race, so she was always at the beginning of the race. Where so it's all mental, Like your tiredness in the middle of the race is because you know you're in the middle. It's not because you actually are tired. I mean, yes,
it is, but it's because everything is mental. If you can trick yourself into being like this is the beginning, it's that that's such an important thing to remember because it's we just think that we're tired because of how long we've been going. We see that time on the clock or we see how long we have left and you can trick your brain into thinking things.
Uh, I was proven by the original marathon, like you can literally run yourself to death, Like there's no limit to how much you can run. Yeah, like the original guy who ran the marathon died at the end of it. After but the Trojans were coming or whatever.
They talk about in the book how this one girl was finishing a marathon and she was like, you know, I think you've probably seen the clip. We've all seen it where she's approaching the finish line and her legs just start wobbling out from under her. She's like leading, you know, and then someone comes and helps her and
she's able to finish. But her body was fine. And she said earlier they talk about her in it, and they say earlier on in the race, she was like, really forehead, she saw her dad and he was like, you're first by this much, and she was like, oh my god. And she's like, I don't need water. I'm fine. It was a really hot day. She just wasn't feeling and she was like, I just want to keep this lead. So she didn't get water. As soon as her mind saw the fucking finish line. Her body was like, we're done.
Like it almost like her mind. Her mind thought that she was at the finish it did it wasn't smart enough because it didn't have enough water and energy to go. You still have to do more. It just thought it was done, and so it collapsed. That's why people collapse when they finished, right, It's because they're done. It's not because that's when they were supposed to collapse.
It's like when you have to take it dump. Well, I was driving home and you're like, oh my god, I could hold it in for ten years. Yes, yes, and then all of a sudden, you're like around the corner from your house and you shit your pants.
This is why meditation is important, because that's where you learn to control your thoughts and control your brain and have a little bit more of like being able to steer up there. Okay, we gotta go to break. I'll be back after this. We'll be back. How is everyone's weekends?
Well, I want to bring up this tweet because we were talking about people not getting sarcasm, and there's this amazing tweet. Over the weekend, people are watching the inauguration and obviously a lot of people are making jokes about it online Jinny Hogan. You heard her, Jenny Hogan. Yeah, she's so funny.
I subscribe to her sub stack.
I think, yeah, so she's great. During the inauguration, she tweets out, thank God Biden isn't alive to see this, which is so funny, and because obviously he is alive and it's a joke, it's.
Oh my god, I can't even Okay.
So then someone responds to this, I assume you mean Carter, as in Jimmy Carr who just died recently. And then she she responds to that, and I said I did not please no comments, which is also hilarious. And then the original person response to that, we'll turn off comments if you don't want pushback. Otherwise people will keep pointing out your stupidity.
Oh my god.
Yeah, and another person agrees with the dumb person and says, she's a teacher. That explains the stupidity. What, yeah, like, people are the people that are commenting on that are agreeing with the dumb person who does not get the joke.
But what is the argument that teachers are dumb?
It's like, I mean, that's that.
Dude.
Ever since they started letting trans people teach you your kids that all the Republicans think that teachers are evil.
Oh dear god, it's the Yeah, it's a lot of that online.
It's like, how do you not get that joke? I mean, the Republicans, out of all the people, have been making the most jokes about how Biden is actually a weekend at Bernie and then when they see one in the wild, they go, what the fuck are you must mean Jimmy Carter.
Oh god, how many people do you think Tim Dillon's of Tim Dyllan's audience take him so seriously? This is where it's like, oh god, that makes me nervous.
Yeah, it's probably probably like twenty percent. Realistically, it's probably like twenty percent of people who don't understand that. It's that it's like a joke. Yeah, that it's well, it's that it's exaggerate difference. Yeah.
His his clip about the fires was so fucking insane. See everything he's saying. Did you see the clip though, where he's like doing the voice of the woman talking about her house and like just like and then he's you know, he's just talking about this. You have to I can't. I literally can't repeat it because it's like it scares me so much, of like the fallout, and then he goes, this is probably the he's making fun
of this woman kind of, you know. And then he goes, this is probably uh, the president of CIA's wife and they, you know, just get an email You've been dropped, like who cares? And then clip cuts out. It made me laugh so hard, just like yeah, just he doesn't give a fuck.
He's crushing the fire, crushing. He's like the only one that's able to make the fires funny. Later and he's going around saying that his house burned down and that his family is dead, which he's just telling people that he also donated a lot of money to the to the fire to eat.
Of course he is the biggest heart. Yeah, yeah, it's God. It's funny. Yeah, people don't get things. I'm still getting hate about God and throwing God under the bus. And I guess that that is still circulating.
Still happening.
Yeah, parts of the world.
It really is gets a worldwide phenomenon. The only place in the world where it's not happening is America.
Yeah, they seem to be on board.
Yeah, and maybe even Europe a joke. I think it's literally just you know South America and Southeast Asia. I mean it's it's it didn't really spread, like you know, Catholicism. Did.
Did you watch a lot of football this weekend?
I'm guessing oh, hell yeah, of course I did.
I was watching my phone a lot next to football. It was on a lot. There was so much football this weekend.
Yeah. Lots of playoff games, lots of really solid games. There's also the College Football Championship.
I watched that last night. Yes, yep, Oh god, you want to Notre Dame to win.
I just wanted Ohio State to lose. I hate Ohio State. I think the Ohio State coach looks like he is a mass murderer. I think the quarterback is a true bully.
I've been wearing Mallenia's hat.
You know what I'm saying.
Just go google it.
Yeah, he's a true bully I think. I mean yeah, And also I just I hate the stuff he does. He Like there's one point where he like did a running play and then looked at the sideline and like winked, And I was like, this guy is pure evil, Like he's pure crying after the game, no, because he loves that coach he.
Yeah, Well, Chris was commenting that he was making it like these boys have been through hell and back because they lost like one game, like they lost the game to Michigan or something, and so like the whole story now is like, but they've they've they've won a lot of like, they've been to the playoffs a lot, like they they were national champions not that long ago. And it's like this, the whole narrative whenever someone wins something
has to be like, oh, they've been through hell. It's like they've been through been through hell.
Their perennial playoff contenders, they won the championship ten years ago in Ohio State is like always has all the best players except for maybe Alabama and Georgia, and they're always in the top four. If there's there's no adversity at all, have been through And here's the hell, Michigan, the hell.
Was there a natural disaster on campus?
Well they live in Columbus, Okay, well on Columbus trip. So there was a Michigan defeated Ohio State back in the regular season. It didn't matter. I mean it could have I guess knocked them out of the Platford. It was never going to end.
I'm saying, when they've been through hell and back, like, give me a fucking break.
Well, so there's this. There is a tradition where if you defeat a rival, an important rival on their home turf, then you can take your team's flag and plant it at midfield on the logo. That happens across college football and many different Ohio that's right. So the Michigan players defeat Ohio State a huge upset, and they're running the flag out to plant it, and the Ohio State players literally started fighting them, where a lot of them got
like uh penalties and suspension. This is after the game.
Stupid. I think I'm back. I think I was there for a year. I liked it for a year, and I'm back to thinking it's a waste of everyone's time.
And I don't like I just I don't because Ohio State. Why that's what happened.
No, I don't think it's that. It's just like, yeah, I don't want men crying about men who have been through hell, and it's just like I just I don't know. It just all seems these guys are getting laid. Chris las Night was like, isn't it weird that there's like a baby that's gonna be born in nine months because these guys won tonight. Like there's there's children that are conceived tonight because of the happiness. Like I like when
teams are happy. Like I'm rooting for the Bills one hundred percent because my friend, who is a depressed person, loves the Bills, and I feel like it literally will cure his depression if the Bills win. It's like, I've never cared more about a team winning anything.
Than I actually about the Bills.
I think it's the whole city of Buffalo is suffering with a depression that will be cured and they deserve it. I want the Bills to win so bad I'm going to the Super Bowls. They sin, they've they've sure they can have it, but like are they It's you know.
Well, they're like the evil villain of the league. Now, nobody wants the Chiefs to the people in Kansas City. You just don't want to see someone win that many times. Right, They're going for a three peete, which is exciting in and of itself.
Done.
Yeah, but it's just like when Tom Brady was on the Patriots. It's just like I'm sick and tired of them winning, and the way they win is so boring every single time. It's just like a grind out. Like they always win by like two or three points. Because they do. It's like it's like you think, like they know they could turn it on and like crush the team, but they decide not to because they'd rather just make it boring.
I want to see my girl on the field kissing her man. I'd like to see that. That's a fun picture. It's a fun moment, So I like that. But yeah, I my friend who has struggles with life, I would like it's much more important for him to be happy this year than Taylor Swift, who has a lot. I will only want good things for her and Travis. But I think they can weather this year more than my friend, who needs the Bills to win desperately.
If the Trees win the Super Bowl again, I believe, seriously, Travis Kelsey might retire. I mean, how could you not after winning three Super Bowls in a row. Where could you go from? Their fourth doesn't even matter at that point.
Okay, yeah, I mean, all I'm saying is I'm looking forward to football season being over. You are going to the super Bowl. You said, Yeah, I am going to the super Bowl. I'm doing a thing that got me an invite to the super Bowl. I can't say what the thing is. I don't think not that well, you're gonna be on bird Chraisier's skin. That's not the thing that didn't get me an invite, But something else I'm doing it got me an invite to it. So I'm going, But I don't know what I'm gonna wear yet because
I don't know who's in it. And I'm making my whole outfit based on like the team. So I'm hoping that I get to borrow my depressed friend's clothing and wear like an oversized cool jacket or something. But I don't know what the weather will be in New Orleans anyway.
Yeah, like a bill, Like anticipating that the Bills will be there.
Yeah, like I'm hoping the bill.
Yeah that means they'd have to defeat the Chiefs next week.
Yeah, I'm okay with that. I like I said, I care about Travis's happiness. I love Patrick Mahomes, I love his mom, Randy, I love I love the I love Kansas City, I love Taylor. But they all. I just care about this friend who really needs this right now. I think it's the only thing that can lift him out. They won the other night, and everyone who saw him all weekend said he was the happiest they've ever seen him.
It literally can change lives. And I think that that town needs it, and I love Buffalo and and they're you know, are these the guys that like are the Bills the ones that jump off of the top of things onto tables or is the Eagles the Bills? Yeah, they need this. They watch in the nineties in a row. That's that's insane and unheard of. I can't believe I didn't hear about it sooner than two nights ago when just told me. Anyway, went to a game we went to go watch at Chris's house last night, or at
Chris's brother's house, and my parents came over. Chris's parents were there, kids were there, and my Chris's niece, Catherine has become obsessed with my Gracie Abrams walked down the hall viral video thing that I did on TikTok that kind of became a trend, and she was playing it and she was too scared to ask, so she had her. She was whispering to her mom and her mom was like, she wants to know if you will film one with her.
So we filmed one last night, like I did my own trend with the whole family, and then all the girls joined in. It was really fun and we ate chili and we hung out and I my parents hadn't watched any of the inauguration coverage, so I just kept dropping little things to my dad. That was I kept showing him the elon salute thing and like and just having him like squirm in his chair because it was not the it was not the setting to like get upset about stuff, but I just kept giving him little nuggets.
Oh boy, Yes, and I and I needed someone to get upset like I needed. I need a little bit of like release yesterday of like someone's gonna get madder than I am so that it takes some of your ship away. So that was kind of fun. My parents are adorable. I love them so much. And last night I woke I did wake up last night because Goldie had a bad dream and woke me up.
She was like.
And I like was like whoa And she was like and I don't know what the fuck she was dreaming about. But it was very traumatic and calmed down. Yeah, And I was like, it was just he was giving his heart to us. He said he was. He was. He was throwing his heart up into the rafters at a very sharp anger. That's yes, dude, he said. That's what people are saying is that he was like, my heart is with you, and then he threw his heart up into the.
Sky all the way up to the third.
And so. But then I was awake and I couldn't get back to sleep. For drum roll please, I had existential dread. Oh hit me last night, you got dude. I felt so bad for you. I like, not only was I flooded with my own dread of dying and my parents dying and my dog dying and everyone in my life dying, and like how am I gonna deal with that? Like I can't deal with my parents dying, Like I should go hang out with my dad right now, it's four o'clock in the morning, Like he's alive right now,
I have to go hang out with him. It was like, truly I could not deal with it. But then I was also burdened with your pain because I was like, this is how people this how a lot of my friends feel all the time. How do you deal? So then I just started talking to myself and saying, it's okay, Nikki, it's okay, Niki. It's like being my own mother, like soothing myself, like I was a very help back to sleep and saying it.
Answer, yeah, that's like what I teach you to do, and you just did it naturally.
And I just was like, you're not, like you're not allowed to think about those things, like it is you you only you have to do a mantra of it's okay, Nikki. So like you know, like when you're doing meditation and you're supposed to focus on your breath and if you
drift off, you just focus back on your breath. I was just like, anytime I drift off, I have to focus back on It's okay, Niki, It's okay, Nicki, it's okay, and like just being like really soothing and nice, and then I was able to get back to sleep, but good god, it was like so deeply uncomfortable.
Yeah.
I felt like I was high in eighth grade, you know, like where you get high and you start like everyone's gonna die. I'm gonna say like, oh, yes, dude, it was horrible. I'm so sorry to anyone who goes through that. I'm so glad it's gone today and that I you know, resent my parents again and I'm totally taking the bath. It's It's true, like I, you know, you wake up in the middle of night and you're like, I have to spend time with all the people that might be
gone someday. Like, how could I ever turn down hanging out with my parents when there is it's certain that they will be gone someday, I will be gone someday. How do we? How do I go on?
That is what my postpart of depression was. I just kept thinking about how one day, I, you know, like I won't be there for my daughter or you know, like my my family's going to pass away and all that.
It's really paralyzing. It's paralyzing because there's nothing you can do about it, and you're like, everyone's just okay with this. I think it just I mean, obviously no one's.
Okay with it. The only people that are okay with it are the same like okay with dying.
You're saying, well, we have to be okay with it. We have to go about our lives. I could if I thought that was going to die soon.
Yeah, well yeah, I mean I tire in to get fixed. I don't understand when people say like, oh, yeah, I don't mind dying. I don't. I think it'll be fine, And I'm like, are you I don't think you understand what that means.
I'm okay with dying. I'm not okay with my parents dying and me having to like go on, yeah, that's where I'm like, I don't know if that's going to be okay or siblings. No, there's just like most sorts of things friends. And then I was like, you should, Nikki, you should have a kid because this is that that that will make it so you have someone that won't die before you. And then I go, something could happen
to them. I'm not fucking inviting more of the ship in my life, Like yeah, I'm that would add to my anxiety of like what could happen, Like I can't, I can't do So there was a moment of like, I should have a baby because I want to alleviate the pain of losing my parents and I want to have something I care about just as much as my parents. And then I was like, no, I can't because then I what what if some that that was too scary?
So that's creed. That's one of the scariest things. That would just ruin your like you have in your act, then that would ruin your entire life if something happened, like, there's no go moving on from that. No, and that's a big risk. I mean but anyway, that's yeah. So look I have this. Uh speaking of people's parents. Ali's dad is a subscriber to The Wall Street Journal. Uh huh, and he's say this in print, Oh yeah, and sent it.
Wait, I have one too, hold on, Oh my god, you guys are so cute, so big on the Wall Street Journal.
Look at those eyes?
Really they didn't know I make up on me for that almost none. I was like, are you really going to go minimal here? Yeah, they're blue as hell. Damn. I look at a picture and I'm like, that's a woman. Like do you ever look at yourself? Know what? And You're like, I'm an I'm a woman, Like I'm forty. Like that isn't like I'm not a girl anymore. Like that's a woman who should have Like I.
Wish I wish I photographed as well as you. You are so photographic, honey.
I want to let you know. Those were the one that you had the New York Times that was probably one hundred pictures taken, and the one you boiled up that was probably a thousand. So those everyone remember that it's one of thousands of pictures taken. When they end up with a picture. Even I saw like Addison Ray on Rolling Stone, I'm like, that's the best picture I've ever seen. And I was like, just remember it was a whole day of shooting and there's some really bad
ones of her. I'm sure probably not that funny, but it's yeah, it was very exciting.
Uh.
Face was everywhere I have recently because there's a more recognizability factor going on, pour mois. I've been trying to dress nicer when I leave the house. It's it is happening. And then I saw someone at Starbucks the other day and I wasn't dressed nice and I and she recognized me and I apologize.
I just read that on there's there's an interview on Grammy dot com with Nikki where you tell a story. I think you may tell that story for you, like apologize when you meet people like at the airport or wherever, and you're like, I'm sorry, I know that you expected.
More of me. I always do because I just am like, this is not okay. And even like the girls at my pilates, Jim, they're so nice. They're like, you looked so pretty at the you know, golden globes, and I'm like, it was all my glamb team, honey, as you know, look at me right now, like It's crazy how much it can be, how dialed up you can also looked stunning on Howard.
I was just talking with one of my jiu jitsu classmates yesterday, nice about that.
And I was just really good lighting there. It was so nice. And I had hair, you know, I had eyelashes.
And but that green, I like that hunter green on you. I think, oh, I think.
It's a grey. I was wearing green gray on Howard start. But I might have looked green on a screen. Wonderful.
What did the person say at Starbucks that you put you apologize.
To she just goes cause I was getting up to go to the bathroom and I was leaving my computer and I just I always do this thing where I'm like, will you but if someone comes and steals it, it's not your like, I don't care, just don't chase them, right Like, It's just that's literally what I go. I go, will you? And I point out and I go, but you don't have to, like it's not just do whatever like it's there. And then, because it's really dumb to put someone like in charge of your like, right you,
will you guard this for me? I'm always just like what, okay, I don't know.
That's actually a pretty good idea for a movie is someone says, can you watch my laptop for me? And then they go to the bathroom at the coffee shop, and then someone steals the laptop and the person feels like it's their job to find that laptop and hunt.
It seems like a curb episode where he's like, I didn't even say that I would, you know, like he Larry, I motioned for you to watch it. I have my headphones that I didn't know, like that's such a curb thing. Yeah, so I did that motion and the girl goes, wait, are you are you Nicky Glazer? And I said yes, Oh my god, I'm so sorry that this is who I am because I was wearing like a my hair was like five days unwashed. It was in a clip that was like tangled, and like there's like a long
strand hanging out of it. I have to put up my hair at a clip and there's one strand it's all the way down my back and then the rest is up like high on my head. It's like I just don't look in mirrors that often. And she was she was like, oh no, Like she was like, you know, I've had the joke before. But I literally am almost offended when I get recognized because of how trashy I
will love. But it may almost makes me feel good because I'm like, oh, maybe there is a little sign that I look that pretty outside of it, and then yeah, that's It's so I've been trying to up the way I look when I just go out because I feel like people talk and I just don't want the rumor to be like she was dressed disgustingly, like when I go out to nice dinners or something like I've thrown some makeup now, Like I just want to look a little bit presentable.
You never know, and someone's gonna be taking a picture of you now right.
I don't publication there are just certain places I go to in Saint Louis where I feel people can be like judgy, And that's why I had to get like a nicer car, Like I wish I just didn't care what people thought. But I just don't want people to
think they're better than me. Yeah, I think that some people and because they have more money than me or something like there's some areas in Saint Louis where like you have to like look a certain way and dress a certain way, or like sometimes I go to the Starbucks in LaDue and I run in and out of there so fast because I don't want anyone to see what trash I am, because then they'll like whisper about me at their Bible studies and say, oh, she was
actually wearing these converts that are like so dirty and she has these really ill sitting jeans on and like we don't even know why she's famous. Like I didn't laugh at all. I didn't think it was funny at all. She's never been funny. I think it's actually disgusting and like they can act like they're better than me, Like I know these conversations happen the girls. If you're offended by this because you're like, I don't talk that way
about her, then you're not who I'm talking about. You're cool and I like you, but you if you're Saint Louis and you know who I'm talking about. The wird you go to high school, people that can like try to socio economically place you. That's the big thing in Saint Louis is where you you. Everyone asked where you went to high school so they can know how rich your dad is.
Oh, but now you're richer than their dad, So fuck them.
I am. But I still dress like I'm not, though, and that's what That's what matters. I would there are times where I just want to let them all know that, but I guess they could just go, well, I don't know. I actually don't. I don't think I'm richer than them. Some of them like their dad's own banks and shit, like I can't even touch their wealth. But there was I was gonna move into a house a couple I would say, like six months ago or something. Yeah, and
we got really close. We were so excited about this place. And I'm kind of glad it didn't happen because my mom, my mom's friends, they meet people that are from this neighborhood, and they all are like, Nikki almost moved into our neighborhood, Nicki Kazer almost. They all know, and I'm like, how did they even know? And so if I move into a neighborhood, everyone's gonna be watching every little thing that goes on in my house and whispering and oh, the car has parked a certain way.
Shrubs, But you know what, this also happens if it's just moving into a neighborhood.
Yeah, no, I know that, You're right. I'm not trying to feel I'm not to move off the grid. I want to live in like kind of wooded area where people can't see in because I'm not ashamed of how I live. I really I'm quite a mess and it's okay.
But I don't like people to collectively get together and whisper and think they're better than me, or like try to make themselves feel better about the fact that they're not famous or whatever they're jealous of me about, even though I don't think that's something to be jealous about. And then they just like the fact that they all knew. Why did Why do people know that? Why aren't you allowed to move into a neighborhood and not have everyone know who you are. Is that just not a thing
that exists anymore? I'm not I'm being serious.
Every place that I've looked at, the story is always the town is small and everybody talks no matter what. Like even if you moved into Culver City, which is like a small section of a larger place, But if you want to go move into a place that like literally is like a smaller city or town, then yeah, people just gossip and bitch. There's a famous person who lives in the town that I got married in Grand Lake. Yeah,
everybody fucking hates this guy. I mean, he is, like, he does do some things I guess that are rude and mean. But I was in there because I was walking around because Ali and I were like, what would it be like to live in Grand Lake? And then we started talking to the townspeople about like what would be like to live here? And every single person we talked to brought up this famous guy and was like, but this guy lives to they'd be like, we love it.
The winters are really cold, it's really not a great place to know.
Who is this guy?
But this guy lives here too. And he's such a mislay, you're not so far off. Actually, yeah, you'd probably look it up.
I don't do know, what do you is your neighborhood like that like chattery about like a gossipy and you guys get together and talk about who's doing what.
I only recently because I've been going for walks and I was gonna say, you have a dog, You're gonna go for walks, so you're gonna be a lot.
Of people wherever.
So after living here for like four years and only now have I met some of my neighbors, and particularly one lady who told me the whole neighborhood shpiel about everybody.
Oh my god.
But it wasn't like to gossipee except for about like one couple and how they're like a remarried couple with one kid and all that stuff. But you know, it wasn't anything toxic.
Yeah, okay, I mean, yeah, this is not gonna go and you're you're in the public eye. It's it's inevitable. Even I don't mind. I don't mind like making friends. How long do you have to talk to people when you run into them with when you're walking, Like if you run out to someone and they're getting their mail and you sit and you talk, like what's an average amount of time? And then how do you get out of it? And I'm not looking to not have conversations.
I like a conversation. I just it stresses me out that you can't get out of it.
Yeah, and also that like you have to walk your dog like four times a day, and like, what are you gonna have a conversation every single time you walk outside? I mean that's when I'm like, I have I have
my methods to try to avoid those things. Well, what I've been doing lately is I just carry Jack across the street and down the block and make him pee on that long because I don't because there's this vicinity, there's this circle of this area right outside my house where like I talk to this neighbor, I talk to that neighbor. And it's just it was getting to be like inefficient. I'd be out there for like twenty five minutes talking to people and sometimes you just don't want
to talk at all. Yeah, And sometimes the other person doesn't want to talk at all, But then you both see each other and you feel obligated to have this converse reluctant conversation. You don't want it, Melania's hat hate.
I will say, living in an apartment complex, I never talk to anyone. It's just something about living and that's close of quarters that makes people totally anti social. It almost like on an airplane, you know, we're all so close to each other, yet we all agree not to talk. And in an apartment building, I know some people and we say hi, and we like nod at each other, but there's not like long conversations going on. I don't
feel like there's any I never gossip about anyone. I'm not like trying to suss out who's going where and what's happening. And I don't feel like that energy is being brought to me. And that's why I love an apartment I love living amongst people but not being expected to have podcasts with them.
Right yeah, the hallway, No, yeah, exactly. I think that the nod hello, and just the acknowledgment that I know you, I'm happy to see you, we're not talking is amazing.
I'm coming off as antisocial, but I promise you I'm not. I just don't like being I grew up in a house where my mom's always like, get that shit out of our front, Nikki, clean that stuff up. People are gonna think we're white trash, and just I would always
be like who cares? But I think it's seeped into me that I'm deeply concerned about people thinking I'm white trash or thinking that I'm trash based on like what is on my lawn, like even Chrismas, Like you know, if we move in one of these nice neighborhoods, we're not gonna be able to park like the way we want, Like you can't just park on the street, or you can't have your friends. And I'm like, my friends are gonna park on the fucking street. Who gives a shit.
I'm trying to be like what they're gonna like, rite us up for it? Rite us up. I don't care, Like, oh, they have to they have to move their car two inches when they're driving by, like and why is that? Or your Christmas lights have to be a certain color like hoa stuff. Like all it says to me is like we want to make this neighborhood look white.
Even the Christmas lights have to be white.
Like That's what I am disgusted by any kind of rules that make it feel like we need to let everyone know we're rich and white. And I that's what That's why I don't like country clubs. I just feel like there's just this vibe of like they're not saying what I think they want to say, which is we know what they want to say. But maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I love that everyone. I'm Saint Louis, all right, Uh, we're gonna go to break, we'll be back a oh whatever.
Last so I experienced the closed thing last night because I went to Ali was doing a midnight book release where we would go to the book shop in town and she'd pick up the book. You know, there was like a big event and this was like a surprise. It's called Onyx Storm, which is the third book in a series about dragon writers.
So cool.
Yeah, well, I this was a surprise to me and to her. She kind of forgot that she had the tickets, but she's like, oh, I got to go to the bookstore. And it's this bookstore in Culver City called the Rip Bodice, which is a romance bookstore and it's run by women, owned by women, and all the books are for women, and I'm like, yeah, I'll go with you to the thing. It sounds fun. So we walked to town and I'm
wearing my usual stuff. I'm wearing my I had my Golden Gloves shirts see Coda packs, my pop jacket which is very colorable. Yeah, I had blue sweatshorts on my fanny pack and a dinosaur hat. And I would go to this event and I will never.
Dressed sometimes like a toddler whose mom said, you decide what you wear today.
Honey, exactly exactly. Most of the time, I just don't care. I just want to be comfortable, just comfortable. But this one time, uh, we were there and I was literally the only man there, and I felt like I am not representing my gender.
Well right right, No, I feel like you're out You're outfit is a non threatening man. I feel like you that is like you, you dressed the way as a guy that would not hurt us.
Yeah. And you know what's interesting because I was there with my wife obviously, and I feel like a lot of the ladies there were making eye contact with me, and it was like a reverse bar where I'm like, at this, it's like when you go to a gay bar. Or something. It's like all of a sudden, like, okay.
Was the irons had three seconds or more?
Oh?
That's right.
The eye contact was significant And sometimes I would say something to Ali and then another girl would respond.
Whoa, whoa ditation. Brian's sorry, but you're a very handsome man. And I don't think you know that your skin is that of a child's. I don't understand your skin texture. We should be asking you what laser you get, right, But you're an attractive guy, so that makes sense. And you're tall and you were the only guy there.
So if you want to meet women, yeah, go to midnight book sales. I mean it's just packed with women. Who and if you go there and you're like, maybe this guy also likes onyx Storm, you're just like you're oh my god. Can you imagine one of them meeting with someone who actually reads books about dragons too?
Yeah, you're not gonna have to wet your finger to turn the page with your mouth. You just put your pants.
Yeah, all these books are about that, to all these books that they're reading, it's all about fucking.
Even the dragons.
There was a there was a trivia contest about the book before I know exactly. It's a romance bookstore. There was a trivia contest and one of the questions was, like, finish this quote from the book. And the quote was like, when we go into our first year, we lose our minds, but when we go into our second year, we lose our blank Oh and then you're And then they asked
the question. You were supposed to shout out the answer, and I, as a joke shout out virginity, and the the no I did and I'm sorry, that would be great. The answer was humanity, which is actually pretty close. In your second year, you lose your humanity, and I yell out virginity and then this, uh, this girl behind me says to me, I guess you didn't read the first book because in the first year, that's when everyone loses their virginity, and so she's joking around me about it. Whoa,
everyone's fucking the entire time all these books. I didn't realize that when my wife is sitting on her bed reading these books, it's like porn.
Yes, yes we got into that stuff. I just watched porn. But it can be really, really hot. This book got Miranda July on all fours. I saw my dad was reading it, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, that one that's crazy. Dad, Like it really made me uncomfortable that he was reading this book that he's like, yoh, I just picked up the library. I'm like, Dad, wait, as a gad, have you gotten to any of the parts. And he's like parts, Oh, I don't think it's so
been too crazy yet. And I'm like, just buckle up, baby, because I don't even like, I don't like to know that my dad knows that stuff.
Sometimes that happens to my dad too, where my dad and my and my wife have like read a similar book or like the book, and I'm like, oh no, I don't want them to have read the same books.
Based on this final thought, speaking of parents and them seeing things that you've seen, guess what I showed my parents that they had not seen on Thursday night.
Two Girls, One Cup.
I'm great, No, my rom's currently reading it Whiplash Baby.
Oh yeah, that's the Two Girls, One Cup.
Of I can't get enough of that movie. I My dad goes, you don't want to watch it again? You watched it. You watched it last week for the first time, And I was like, I do want to watch again? So we watched it, and I was like, you're gonna love it. They loved it. In fact, the next day they both told me, we want to watch it again. We want to watch it. They they were like they got it. They were so into it. And so I just want to give a shout out. And it's on Netflix now.
So and the end of that movie is kind of pornographic and.
Is it totally is so horny? Yeah, Oh my god, I'm horny for JK. Simmons without question. What did I watch this weekend that he was in? Oh, a Juror number two on your recommended to me? It's on Max. It's clinice Wood direct it. Ninety four year old clinice Wood directed jur Number Juror The Rural Juror Number two. No, it's the Juror Number two and it is Nicholas Holt stars in it. I actually met him at Jimmy Kimmel. He's a very nice man. We were doing it at
the same time. He stars in it. Jakie Simmons is in it. Key for Sutherland, isn't it. Zoe Deutsch is in it. The black guy from Reno nine one one who I love I forget his name. I'm so sorry, shout out he's in it. Who It's just like it's packed with stars and it's it's about a guy who is Yarbroo. Yeah, Cedric Yarborough. Oh my god, he's so funny. So but he's really he's a dramatic role in this. But but yeah, JK is up to his old tricks. But I recommend watching Juror number two on you recommended it.
It was actually really good. It makes you go like, well, what did I do? It's kind of crazy, and Clint Eastwood has ninety four and directed this. I'm like, I cannot believe a ninety four year old is working and really long days on set. I think they probably were. Was the craft service all oatmeal?
No, it's probably Prunes. And he also there was like fifteen years ago when he did the Republican National Convention and talked to that empty.
Chair, and when he did American Sniper and had a baby doll instead of a baby. But he's an amazing director. I mean, this was really well done.
Yeah, but it's hard to believe that he can get it done because of the chair thing.
Real his daughter fifteen years.
Ago he was senile, but he guess not. I guess he's a bad choice.
It was good, It was really good, and then we watched a bunch of football. Oh, I wanted to call back to Noah had asked you about if the girls lingered for longer than three seconds on their ha.
What does that mean.
Well, we had a discussion on this on girls Chat where Carlisle was ran into a celebrity we won't say who, someone that I definitely ran into it the Golden Globes and he lingered eye contact for like over five seconds of like strong eye contact, and she was like, I
don't know what it was. And we were like, we know because we read about how to flirt, and you're supposed to hold eye contact for three seconds to let someone know that you want to bang them and give you a little smirk, a little smirk because you're not supposed to be like, hey, I like you, because women are supposed to be passive and let let guys know, like, because guys always like, I don't know if I'm supposed
to like go up to her or not. And it's like that's the way a woman can be aggressive without saying anything and seeming it's like a passive aggressive way of letting a guy know.
I can averts her eyes a well.
After a couple of seconds if she averts her eyes and kind of like smiles.
Women do that though, Like if if you catch a woman making eye contact, I feel like we usually just kind of like look away and we start like, oh.
My god, he's looking at me, even though they think.
You're cute or whatever. But the trick is you have to hold that eye contact to be inviting. But the guys don't question.
H Historically, if I made eye contact with it, like almost every single time, they like look away immediately, and that's if that person was interested. I would never have the courage to say anything to this exactly.
Here's what you do. I think if you just if you look again, though, and they're doing it again, then it's like that because that's what I used to do. Like I used to be kind of like, oh, I'm
too I'm too nervous to hold it. If I would be into a guy, so I would just keep doing like I would avert right away and then I would do it again, and like I but man, is there, I'm like getting like a little excited even thinking about holding eye contact with a stranger across a room and trying to like communicate that you're into them, but like then actually act like you're not so fun. But you're supposed to hold it for like three seconds, which is a I mean it's one, two, three, Like that's a
long time to hold eye contact with someone. And I started on one. So that was actually sure, they.
Can make eye contact with my dog for that long.
It's she won't allow it, and if she does, you know what she wants. But Carlyle like was like yeah. Carlyle was like, I don't know what this guy wants. We were like, we know, get it, girl. She said it was so awkward that she was like she was saying goodbye to this person and then they he just like lingered and looked that she had to be like, all right, see you next time. She had to say something else to like to like fill the space. And
we're like, oh my god. And I saw this guy and I would not have thought he looked as good as he did, but let me just say he looking good.
Wow. And so is the scenario in which this is happening. What's at work? Oh, okay, she's at work.
And they were she's work and yeah she's working. Yeah, okay, yeah, all right, very exciting.
So is something going to happen here? Is there a number exchanged?
No, I don't think that's that's professional in her case. But I think something the idea of something could have happened. I think is an exciting.
You should have written the number. Yeah, slipping a number to a girl and then it's leaving is such a good move because you don't have to put the pressure on them to do anything.
Does the girl call you, because then that changes the whole energy. Oh no, because it's well, a girl can just like say hi, you know, so the reverse is good.
The reverse is good. If a girl gives a guy the number, then that's.
That's so aggressive. No, I've done that so many times. It's not worked.
Oh my god.
I used to always do it because it's the easiest thing to do, is just be like, here's my number and then you just walk away like yeah, because I'm so scared of like telling someone I like them, so I would just I would just do that.
And well, it works really well if you're talking to a guy who maybe is afraid to make the first move. Like that happened in my year of dating before it became Neo from the Matrix. I was talking to this girl at a bar and I was afraid to say, like, Hey, I want to, you know, get your number, and then I just kind of the conversations kind of ended and I kind of walked and I just had the rest
of my night. And at the end of the night, she came up to me and just slipped me a receipt with her number on it.
Oh yeah, and is that Ali? No, just kidding, that's so cute, though. Yeah, I did it. I think I did it a couple of times where I gave my number and I don't think it worked out. One time I wrote it on a banana, like on the outside. Well a guy I was. I was on a plane and I, believe it or not, the flight attendant was like a hot guy that was seemingly very straight.
Wow.
Yeah, And he and I was vegan. I'm vegan, and I was sitting in business and he offered me snacks and I was like, I'm vegan, can't have anything. He's like, we're gonna find something for you, and he went and found me a banana and I didn't really want the banana, but I wrote my number on the banana, and on the way out, I was just like, here's my number, and I gave it to him on the banana and he said and he waited to call until it was like about to rot, he said, And then we never
met up. But it was still a cute meat cute.
Yeah, and sharpie on the banana.
No, I wrote like like dug in like pen you know, like wow, like on the banana skin, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh you know what. I think. I ate the banana and literally gave him the peel. I was because I thought it was funny to give him the trash and be like, because he would think it was trash, and I go, look at it closer. I think that's what I did, because that's funnier than handing back the banana. That's exactly what I. I gave him the trash and
I was like, look closely. And then I thought he just didn't know what I said. And I was really embarrassed for a few days because I was like, oh, he thinks I just handed him traph I could.
Read it, and he's like, why did this crazy lady just carve hieroglyphics for banana?
Peel. Yeah, so that was kind of a fun thing. I'm trying to think of other cute things I've done. Yeah, I was trying to do like funny stuff, and that doesn't go over well. It just doesn't work for women to be.
The now most men, most men don't want women to be funny. They want them to be funny and and or aggressive. It's the same thing I think when a woman is funny to most manage as if you're being aggressive. Yes, yeah, the same thing.
Uh yeah, what a I like hyper like sexual texts? Oh god, that's probably too aggressive too.
I would think like a.
Girl sending a guy hyper sexual texts?
Yeah, like you know, oh second, I have one?
What I have?
Okay? So I was actually watching a movie recently where this guy was in it that I like really was like, it's I think, I don't want anyone to figure out who this is because I wonder if I've like revealed anything about it in past things, if some if my archivist is listenings trying to come up with the data of my life, but then nothing, ever, what happened with this person? But anyway, I saw this guy's picture on Instagram and I was like that's one of the hottest
people I've ever seen in my life. And I was like, oh, what's his deal? And I went to his profile. This is years and years ago and he's following me.
Whoa, whoa.
And this was like, I'm not kidding you. This was like ten years ago, so was way before anything. And he he had been like a working actor for a while. I never heard of him or seen him, but he had been in some stuff. And so I went to like message him to be like hot, you know, and then he had messaged me before and I just missed it and jackpot, you know, yes, okay, So and it was probably like low thousands because he's an actor, you know, he's stuff, but like not like big at that time,
not big stuff. He's done a lot of stuff now.
Then yeah, so.
We so then it was it was flirty, and so we started like kind of like texting, and I was in a different city than him. And then he took it to not even a sexual place too fast, it to like a romantic place too fast.
I got turned to death. Yeah that's the equivalent. I mean, that's a woman going too sexual is I think a turn off to a lot of men because there are certain men who are like, she's a slut, and there are other men who like want you to be you know, aloof And then for I think for guys, the worst thing you can do is be too Actually, I think it works for guys and girls to be too romantic, too fast.
Yeah, it was just too There was some talk that was a little bit like the way you would talk in a relationship, you know, like I will say exactly what it was, but it was reminiscent of you're smoopy, No, you're smoopy. You know that sein felt kind of baby talking, Yeah, which would have been totally fine had it been like
an inside joke with us way into our relationship. But it was just too It scared me, even though I was like, I mean, it was one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in my life and there's an opportunity there, and I literally let it slip through my fingers because I was like, I couldn't get over the way it made me feel.
Yeah, well, it's his value. He's the you all of a sudden, like, why does this guy want a relationship so bad? Is he what's wrong with him?
Well? Yeah, yeah, maybe, But it was also, yeah, it felt like and I've thought about this before, just I don't like when someone is operating with you on a level that is too intimate when they haven't gotten to know you. It seems insincere. It seems like a lot of how a guy would probably be, like does she do this with everyone with a girl? Sexual? Like what makes me special? Like this guy doesn't even know me enough to talk about that's.
A really good like maybe they're oh, okay, you've mentioned Sunday snuggles before. Okay, yeah, I don't even that might have been on the Not Safe podcast. You've mentioned Sundays, it's been in my brain. Yeah, But yeah, I think that's a sign of like a love bombing, where it's like this person has moved too fast, they don't even know who I am, and yet they're here, which means that they're just as likely to change and become a cold, frigid mob.
Yeah, it was probably good of me to have my cockles up. But this person remains a nice person in my life and I like them and I would recommend someone date them. So I don't think it was a I don't think I dodged a bullet.
By me met but so Simmons. He's still good.
Oh yeah, but still day Jaki Simmons. I wish JK. Simmons would roll into my DMS. I love him so much. What a amazing And my mom was I could tell it kind of horny for him. She was like, he's fit.
He's oh, he's super fit. He's like, uh, like Jeff Bezos a good Jeff Bezos.
Yeah, yeah he is. There's even though he plays an evil sometimes evil characters, there's a warmth to him.
Yeah, every time he understands.
Yeah, it's so good. And just go watch Whiplash. For the love of god, I'm not gonna stop talking about it anytime soon. We're gonna be back on the podcast tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for listening, uh to this ramble fest. Love you so much. Don't be cu and bye, see you tomorrow. The Nicky Glazer Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me Nicky Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie.
Executive produced by Will fair raryl hans Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf Video Production Mark Canton and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nicki Glazer Podcast on YouTube, follow at Nikki Glazer Pod and subscribe to our channel