#488 No One-On-Ones For Nikki, Brian's Over Vegas & A Lie Pie!

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Glaser, here's Nikki.

Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicky Glazer Podcast. How are you out there? I'm in Saint Louis.

Brian's with us, Noah's with us. How are you guys?

Well, I'm fine, God same, I'm feeling fine.

I just got a facial relaxing.

It was no this this one is just it's like Paul just yeah, they can be well, laser facials are horrifying or can be, but like it was just a relaxing facial.

It was awesome. I felt so good.

A massage, yes, yes, And I'm thinking about like getting an actual body massage pretty soon, which I've sworn off because.

I always regret them and.

I always feel so like used and like slutty after it, like and not slutty, but I feel like a sense of shame whenever I leave a massage place because I just feel like a commodity.

Not wait, they're the commodity, I guess.

I feel like they don't like we had a thing, you know, and now it's over and yeah you're just like push, just like get out of here, and it's like it's never long enough. But then when it is too long, I e. Ninety minutes, you think you want that, you do not want that long. It feels too long, and I can never kind of guess what I want in the moment. Foot massages are the only thing that I can really reliably know the time limit limit, and

And then when you book ninety minutes, it's too long, and.

It if it's not good right away, you just spend the rest, like an hour and a half, being like I hate this.

I hate that I like wasted my time and my money.

I hate that I can't communicate properly, that I don't have the balls to just tell this guy.

That this isn't how I like it done, and then you just like it just oh, and then.

You're sticky afterwards, and you have to put back on your socks and your clothes that now feel like dirty. It's not good, but I think I just might need one. I'm just so sore, and I'm just thinking I'm just kind of craving it.

I know I'll regret it if it's the worst. When you're getting a massage and you tell them, oh, that's not enough pressure, that's too much pressure, and then they go, oh okay, and then they change whatever they're doing and it's still not good enough.

Oh my god, and then you feel bad like saying something like criticizing them twice?

Which is it?

Is it criticizing to say that I don't like what you're doing?

Like is that mean? Is that?

Like?

Where's the line? I just don't know.

Well, I just say, I just raise my hand and I say you're a bad masseuse.

That probably isn't the perfect approach.

Well, can I start waving or I start screaming to run out of the room.

While you're naked?

I go, you're a bad fasus that I wrote and scream? Is that? I? Yeah?

More, I always want more pressure.

And then I but I just feel bad because their hands hurt and I know they do, and so then I feel like if I don't get a man, I feel like the woman's hands are too fragile and I'm hurting her. And then if I get a man, I feel like he might rub his balls on me in some way, because like that is a thing that happens where they'll just surreptitiously like grace their penis across your hand, and it's not enough to be like that's assault, so

I just can't go back.

It's interesting. I usually pay extra for the ball sack on the hand thing. It's like a ten dollars I probably do.

They probably added on and I don't even notice.

It's like a gloss when you go get your hair highlight and they go, you want a gloss and you go yeah, And you don't realize it's seventy dollars when you said yeah, you just thought it was like a new product they had to try and they wanted to test it out.

They totally get you.

I will say this the best massages I've ever had, I've had. I can recall three specific messuses that I've had massages from.

Yeah.

One of them was this athletic, gigantic man who would literally like put his knees on my hamstrings, like climb up on the table. Yes, and that was incredible. And then the other two were women, and I their hands were stronger than like ninety five percent of men's hands that have given me massages.

I don't even mind.

If you don't use your hand, use a tool. I watch ASMR videos of massage videos all the time. I feel like I'm well versed in, Like I watch massage tutorials that are made for other messuses, Like I'm not even to be watching these videos. They're like talking technically,

To jam into my buttocks.

It's like if it's hurting your knuckle so much or turning your hand, I don't mind. If you use objects, it almost might take it out of it. It might not feel so personal and I might not feel so kind of violated at the end of it. I don't know how anyone who's been sexually assaulted ever gets a massage ever again. And I've heard from people who have been that They're like, no, I would never ever be like touched by a stranger naked.

Messuss get sexually assaulted by men getting massages like that's what Deshaun Watson did, the quarterback for the Browns who's now benched for that. No, he was already like he used to be the quarterback of the Texans, and then he went through this whole uh scandal where he was sexually harassing messuses and then he was like a banned from the league for a year or two, and then he came back on the Browns and he wasn't good ever again.

It's because and Colin Kaepernick, where is he.

Now Colin Kaepernick. I think they had him decapitated because he.

No but I mean he's not in the league anymore.

Right, Oh, oh, you're not kidding. Oh yeah, he's not in the league anymore. He hasn't been.

What did he do?

I literally you're asking me or do you want to joke? No?

No, no, I no, I'm joking.

Answer, but like, what did he do to get kicked out the league forever? And then this guy who's assaulted I you said multiple massage at.

Least nineteen or something some ridiculous Are you kidding me? No? Not.

It was suspended for a year year.

A year or two. Yeah, that off and then he came back and want it. And then he came back and he came back. But here's the here's the roup attended. He was worse because after it's like as if harassing those mescuses were the secret to him being good at football.

Oh right, it's like the Tiger Woods thing.

It's like the Tiger Woods thing. But I believe Colin Kaepernick like like looked at a flag the wrong way or something and then they decapitated him.

But he's yeah, he's out of the league. It just doesn't.

Seem that's a controversy.

I don't think there's anything really.

Is it.

Yeah, a huge controversy.

Yeah, controversy the fact that he A lot.

Of people say, well because he would like he would do all sorts of like things where he would show that he still has the skill and talent to be an NFL quarterback, at least a backup quarterback, but no team was willing to sign him, even though.

Their brows were like, let's get this guy who's who was kicked out for a year. Maybe he needs a change of location and we don't have as many massage parlors in Cleveland.

Well the yeah, the messuses aren't as hot in Cleveland, so they like he'd be fine because.

The salt is about being hot too. It's all just doesn't make any sense. But what does? What does?

But Yeah, I have a thing I gotta tell you, Nikki, please because I'm at a loss so I won't.

Have anything really constructive to say anymore.

Yeah. So I went to Vegas this weekend for my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom, Birthday. Mom. Number one thing is I think I'm out on Vegas. I really had an amazing time at the super Bowl because it was the Super Bowl. But now I've been back two other times this year, and I realized that Vegas is just a bunch of pigs getting shepherded from trough to trough. It's all scams, everyone's disgusting, and it's just a city of literal losers. Like I'm not saying like you're a

Got it? Got it?

Oh?

Like literally losers.

Yeah, so you're all losers. We're all this. I was a loser, I lost. We're all walking around a bunch of losers.

Why were you there for your mom's birth? Is that where she wanted to go?

Well, my mom has had a renaissance in her retirement where she has moved to Florida and made friends with all these people in her sixty five plus community, and who all moved to They all moved to the same sixty five plus community at the same time because it just started, and so it was like they were all freshmen going into the dorms together and they all made this friends group. And now my mom is more social

And they get shirts?

They all got shirts that said Port Saint Lucy bitch on it.

And they no, no, no, no.

No shirts. Shirts Okay they but no, they were just like, let's go to Vegas and see. And then the two shows my mom picked were David Copperfield okay and which is at the MGM, Yeah, and then Billy Joel and Sting at the Allegiant Stadium.

Amazing. So you went to Billy Joel again.

I went to Billy Joel's the third time I've gone to Billy Joel. Now I'm like that he's my Taylor Swift basically truly. Yeah. So the thing I wanted to say, what happened at the Billy Joel concert?

And I also went to them that we saw.

The exactly Yes, and I stayed at the Mandalay Bay because it's easy to walk from the stadium. Had it all figured out, go to the Billy Joel concert. Sting was first, obviously, and he was fine. I just think that that type of music kind of bores me, Like it's like world pop or whatever, and it's just like, this is fine. I like it in the background, but I don't want to sit there for two hours listening to sting song after sting song.

Yeah, I like sting. I grew up listening to sing in my parents' Volvo. But yeah, I could see they're kind of like cold Play esque.

Yeah or you Too. Even there were songs that I was like, is this you two? Billy Joel comes on and they he plays my favorite song first, which is my Life. And when I went to go see him, because they.

Talk about standup comedian then that there's.

A perfect line. It's like, yeah, now he goes to the West Coast and gives him the stand up routine in LA, which is a great thing.

Yeah, I always loved that. I was like, oh my god, he named checks stand up comedians.

It's so cool. I mean, he's so cool, he's so fair.

Matthews also did in a song but anyway and go on.

I went to go see Billy Joel into It Dome, where I said he was into it and then they played my favorite song there. But he brought his six year old daughter on stage and she sang the song instead of.

Him, and I was pretty disappinted into it. Dome Yeah, okay, Okay, yeah I was.

I felt like I missed out on my favorite song. Yeah. And then he literally said after like, that's nepotism for you. Sorry, So I was like, all right.

Oh, he's a self aware Okay.

So he started off with that song at Allegiance and he was singing it. This thing didn't come out and sing it, his daughter didn't come out. He sang it, and I loved it, and me and Ali stood up. We're we're not We were on the floor. You're in like the stadium section where you Yeah, we stood up and we're dancing. Is there anything wrong with that? No?

But I mean I haven't seen you dance really, so there could be.

But you've seen me dance. You saw me dance house.

Yes, yeah, you got you had trained to dance. Yeah, I think you're fine.

We were dancing, but you got told to sit down seats. Yes, we had seats in the in the stadium.

Section where it's like in the yeah, where it goes up.

Yeah, it's deaf stadium seating. We stand up and we're dancing and we're having a great time.

Everyone's standing up, Billy Joel just came out like.

Nobody, nobody is standing up.

This is in an old crowd or something like what's And I looked.

Around and it's like it's not It's like maybe half of them are like, you know, sixty plus but like you for like me or a little younger. So like nobody was standing up and everyone was sitting there just like listening to the music as if it was like we're at like the Met watching some orchestra play proused.

So you guys got up and danced.

Stars getting up dancing care that.

You were the only ones you were like tearing sitting and you are just standing up dancing.

Yeah, we're standing up, dancing.

And music, letting it move through your body, being inspired by it, being without abandon or with the banding it.

Yeah.

Me and Ali are looking at each other, singing and dancing together and then someone behind hold on.

Before before we get to this, do you is there a thought in your head like, oh, we're blocking people's view, like this is a little awkward, We're the only ones dancing or were you just like this is just how we're going to because I've seen people like you before, where I'm like or not like you, but like people that like will bring uphos to the show and they hold it up and you go, wow, they're not even thinking about anyone behind them, Like I feel as if

Did it well?

This happens at football games all the time, where you know, people stand up, they sit down, and just whenever someone in the front front row stands up and the people behind stand up, and then it creates a cascade effect where.

Everyone's standing up.

And this was the first song. It's not like we were standing the entire time. We just stood up and started dancing to this song.

Oh man, I can't believe what's about to happen.

Someone behind us, some faceless person threw something at us, threw something at us.

Oh my god.

Yeah, and do you know what it was?

And it wasn't even like what did it feel like?

It was like, I don't know, I don't know, just hit its hit us. It didn't hurt like an empty water bottle something Okay, hit us?

Well, is it like us?

Did it feel like a penny or did it feel like a gum? Wrapper, like what food?

Food of some kind.

Something blunt, soft and blunt.

Yeah, it was some kind of food. I think it could have been a bottle cap, bottle caps. It was multiple things.

Okay, multiple wait, multiple things.

Just yes, and we all because it hit me, then hit Ali, and then it hit the person next to us wasn't even dancing.

Oh my god.

Yeah. And I turned around.

And I was like, ear sort of bleeding.

Yeah, my ear was bleeding a little bit. And I turned around. I put my fifth in the ear and I said, fucked.

Okay, so you so you did you so you you felt something, but you go, that's probably nothing.

And then Ali felt something that you both look at each other.

I'm really upset because she, you know, she's a six, so she's an enneagram six, so she's all She was like, I need to be part of the what you know, I need to be part of the team here, and now people are throwing stuff that really like hit her in the core, Whereas I was like, well, now I'm never gonna sit there because you just threw something at me. I'm gonna stand up the entire but I lamented to this, and I and I sat down and we after the song was over, except but first I turned around and

Oh my god, I would have we're gonna.

Stand up for the whole concert. We weren't gonna stand up for you know, like Vienna and shitty songs.

Like, but they don't know that, and they and people are angry and they just I know when I see people stand up right away at something that they're not supposed to and they're like blocking my view, I'm like, these motherfuckers are going to do this the whole time.

Like that's where my mind goes.

But the thing is, it's not that you're not supposed to situation. It's because then we're sitting there, we feel like the concerts and we feel restricted. We're just like dancing in our seats. But then throughout the concert, there are when a song comes up that somebody loves, there are pockets of people that stand up and they dance, and it was happening all throughout, but the majority of the audience was just sitting quietly. Nobody was singing, nobody

You know what, they're just kind of there. They're not like participating.

That's right. That's why i'm That's another reason why I'm out.

They're on a what's it called an assembly line, like they're just like being passed through different.

The conveyor belt going from trough to trough. I even said it while we were talking, the conveyor belt going from New York, New York to ex Caliber. There's this long, single file conveyor belt where you can't even go around someone because it's a single file. And I was and I took a weed mint, so I was, uh, you know, you suggest yes, and I'm I'm on the conveyor belt, and I go, look at us pigs on this trough. Yes, welcome the pigs. Swe just just yelling that nobody cares.

Best place to be we post selection. It was almost like.

My my weekend of being in Dallas and then Iowa for two nights, even though I had the best time, but yeah, it's just like this week. Not to get into it, but it's just like I just anytime I had to be amongst a lot of people that I thought just don't have thou nations like that, I just felt like angry at I Like when I got into crowds, I felt I would forget about.

It and I would be fine. I would have been having a great week and.

I'm like, you know what, let it go, like you can't control anything, and then I get in crowds and I just kind of lose my mind and I've got I just I'm having actually a really good time in this new America because I don't give up lock anymore. I've got nothing to lose except all of our rights. But I have those are it's gonna happen to already.

And I just feel free, like I feel I can.

It's it's nice because like I yeah, just just say one thing of it is like performing this weekend felt great because I think it was the elephant in the room before of like who's who's gonna vote, who's voting for him? And like not to say anything political because I just don't even want to know who did right, Like I'm just like my audience. I want to love everyone. I just want us to like not have to be divided. And I'm not gonna do anything political because I just

Of course they did, because everyone did, you know.

So it's like now I feel free, like I'm like everything's out in the open, and now I can make fun of you because I'm not making fun of someone who's like embarrassed of what they're doing anymore.

Like you guys are out about it.

It's not like I'm making fun of Like you can make fun of people if they're if they're open, you know, and especially if they win, you get to make fun of them now because you're not punching down, you're punching up.

And so anyone who goes I got no booze. And I was going hard and I was having so much fun.

And I was just being you know, sarcastic and silly about it, and it wasn't like from a hateful place. It really was like me just like being as fun with it as possible, and it really made me like have a better attitude about everything. And I just sense that the people who voted for him, they couldn't really

I feel you feel now like they felt in twenty sixteen, when it was just like now we're free. We finally feel this freedom. I think when Trump was elected the first time, I felt like Trump voters felt finally free to say or do whatever they wanted, and now the reverse is happening in twenty twenty four, where it's like even though Trump won, it's like the Democrats feel free. Now now it's the Democrats who are like, fuck all this,

Tired.

Yeah, we're tired, we hate this whatever, let's just accept part of it and fucking go.

I will say that I let that feeling in occasionally where I'm like, fuck it, who cares?

You know what? Let me get on board with this.

Because what's the point and not but you can't you really like, you can let that in sometimes, but don't forget like I I'm feeling like I am. I'm starting to feel like a little less incensed about everything that I was on, you know, wednesday morning, and nothing's changed since Wednesday morning.

I'm just being exposed. I'm just being beaten down.

And that is not a reason to give up because you're being beaten down, Like, don't forget that. Maybe your complacency is because you're tired, so like just it's not because you. What he's doing is okay. Don't confuse yourself because I'm.

Even being like is he that bad? And I'm like, of Nikki, nothing has changed since.

You've got no new information, and now you're starting to empathize, like wake up, bitch, like this you don't even start to You can still make fun of it, and you can still you don't need to be as heavy about it and hate everyone.

But don't think that this is a good idea.

Don't think he is a good person, and don't think this is anything to be proud of or invested in. It's like it's a fucking nightmare, but it doesn't need to ruin your life. But do not do not do what I was doing about two days ago and being like maybe he's funny and this is like all for the best, like what it was starting to happen to me. The brainwashing that's happened to more than fifty percent of America was starting to happen to me, and I have to stay vigilant on it and be like, No, I'm

He's hot. Did you see SNL did exactly what I was saying last week?

No, I did not on the Cold Open.

I mean I was not saying, like I think a lot of people took this route comedically of being like, we love you and you're cool and hot, and you've always been amazing and we've always trusted you as a leader.

We all voted for you.

Like they are, just like everyone's just like robot North Korea in like sarcastic.

It's kind of funny.

Well, it was really funny because.

On the night of the election on CNN there's this Republican one of the Republican analysts or whatever they're called. He said a line that like low key to use that phrase low key was like very scary to hear. And he said a happy Trump is good for the country, which it's like the president doesn't need to be shouldn't need to be happy in order to do his job for the country. Well, because a mad Trump is vindictive.

And when they said Hillary couldn't run because she's like would get her period or something and then she would poke some like that's right. I guess they were saying that even then, like we need her to be happy and her period might make her not. Yeah, when when they have a picture of Trump smiling, like we know when they were doing like the counts and there's a picture of Trump smiling, like was that made AI? Like I have never seen him like smile with teeth, Like I don't.

Understand now with teeth, I've seen it without teeth.

Yeah, he'll have like moments of like like little like sneers like where he'll like smell shit and we go, oh, he smiled, but he's literally smelling shit. I loved Bill Burr's joke about the only time he's ever shown empathy was when he got He was like, whoever gets this fry is in for a treat?

Did you see that part?

He was like, did you see how happy Trump was at McDonald's during his monologue. Bill Burr on es Now he was like, it's the happiest I've ever seen that guy. And he's like, there's a moment and I'm paraphrasing, but he was like there's a really long French fry or something.

He goes, oh, whoever gets this one is in for a treat. They're gonna be happy, and he goes, is that compassion? Was that empathy? It's Trump just like feel.

It was the only time he could ever express it that we've ever seen it, and it was such a great astute observation.

Anyway, we have a lot of show to get to. We'll be back after this.

Yeah, So I was gone all weekend. I got back this morning at landed at seven am. Had a five to fifty flight out of Des Moines. There's only one direct flight out of Des Moines all day, so it was either getting at seven am or seven point fifty pm. And it's one of my only days off, so I had to get it back super early. And then Chris is here and I haven't seen him since i've been I realized in the past two months, I've been in a room with Taylor Swift more than I've been.

In a room with Chris Convey.

Oh my goodness, because I saw Tatus with three Sundays in a row for four hours each time, and that is way longer than I've been with my own boyfriend. And so this was my first Sunday not seeing Taylor and uh yeah, and so I Chris was here. I just crawled into bed and then we just barely could even talk to each other because we're so tired. And then we slept until twelve, and then I went and got facial and now here I am, and.

You guys out a date anything.

No, I can't even imagine doing anything like that, Like where did I did I watch something recently where it was someone? Oh, we were talking about I guess I can't really talk about this, but we're talking about like I don't if Chris and I went on a date. I'm sorry, Like I would rather just watch TV on the couch, like going to dinner and like sitting across the table from him and being like, let's get an appetizer and then oh, what are you gonna wear to

Just get takeout and go on your couch. Like isn't that, well, that's a date.

I would you can do a couch date?

Yeah, okay, well then we have dates every single night. We have a date every single night.

But I think the idea of like getting dressed up and going out and.

Like locking the car and walking in together and he kind.

Of waits for you and puts puts his hand on the small of your back and you kind of walk in together.

Oh, we're on a date tonight.

We're a couple that have been together forever, but tonight we're hot and sexy for each other.

No, you're not. This is an.

Illusions and eating which.

Love it, love it? I don't Here's Okay, here's my new thing.

This might be controversial.

I don't like I don't like being one on one with someone.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I think one on one sucks.

I think three is the best, even if you're best friends with someone. Adding a third is always going to bring a bit like And trust me, I think my best talents include lip syncing to songs that I love and making it look really believable and fun. That's my number one talent and number two talent is putting together groups of people that are.

Gonna have a good time together.

And trust me when I say a couple is not the ideal group. It is a couple plus a third or two couples is well ideal. But I would say a fifth wheel is generally the best. To have two couples and then a single person that gets to kind of bounce, be kind of like the like, oh this is our single friend, and the couples feel like, oh, we're so sorry for them, and then the single person can see the couple dynamic and feel better about themselves

I just I can't carry a phone.

I would I phone call. You had me at phone call, I'm out.

I just don't.

I just it's maybe it's this, maybe it's a lack of attention now, or like you know, I just want to be on my phone and when someone else is there carrying the conversation, I can look at my phone while.

I think.

I just want to streamline my life to be like effort. And when I'm with three people, less effort. When I'm with five people, it's definitely less effort, and you can still interject or be like, what did you just say? Wait, wait, that's fun topic. Let's go there and you can kind of like figure out. Like in Dallas on Friday night, it was a huge room, sold out, crazy show. I sold out three shows in Des moin By the way things are popping off, it's pretty insane for me right now.

In my life.

Some of them were two girls and their husbands or boyfriends. Two girls that hosted Taylor Swift podcast and that I've like befriended on DMS and they came backstage and they were so sweet. And then my friend Laura who I went to high school with, who is also a Swiftie. And then this other guy who booked me on a corporate gig, which I have to tell this fucking story, this is what I should tell. So anyway, this guy that booked me on a corporate gig like years ago, two years ago.

Thoughts story.

I'm actually gonna make it for the stage because it's so insane what happened. Because I did this corporate gig for this guy, and I thought it went really well. And then he told me a lot of aftermath the other night that I didn't know about, great like fallout from jokes I made roasting these company or not this company, but these Wharton School graduates.

Oh and I did this.

I did this like roast of them two years ago.

And anyway, so they were he was there with his wife, and then there was another comedian there, Bobby J.

Cox, who's been on the show before.

There was just like it was a ton of people in the green room, and then I didn't know I had a meet and greet, so all of a sudden, I was like plucked out, and I was kind of like managing the groups and like figuring out a way for everyone to talk to each other and get along. And then as I'm I'm like have to go to this meet and greet, I'm like, okay, uh, you and you talk. You both like she's a swiftie, they're swifties, talk about Taylor, this person, you guys a heat like.

And I felt like really good.

About how I left it because people were like you could tell it was. It held things up for me to be like, Okay, first of all, before I leave, you guys need to talk because you both like this. But it really helped the situation, sure, to give everyone a little basis of where to go to.

But well, that's a great thing to do when you're introducing someone at a party. Instead of going like, this is my friend Dan, you go this is my friend Dan, and then say something interesting about them that the other person has in common, and that's how.

You introduce Yes, yes, it's just it.

You guys both went to Thailand last month, and after my show where I've been like really revealing, everyone's kind of just feels a little bit more open to be themselves. I think there's just like an a vibe in the air of like we can all like be more open and honest, and so it's just a little bit easier to mingle and have fun.

And that's also a Nicki Glazer specific thing too, like just in general, you're a very accepting person. So and you also I don't care about going deep about things, and so that gives people permission structure to then say things like that to you, which is not true of everybody by any means.

Yeah, I do think I am a very You can't really shock me. And I just know what people want. I feel like is what I'm trying. Like, I try to give people what I would want if I had that thing going on to tell. And so if it's like I just got a divorce, I go, congratulations, that's really hard. Wait, tell me how long did you know before you divorce? Like how long was it good? How

She has a.

Young child and it's like really difficult because she just had a baby, but she has this toddler also who's like really not easy. And I said, oh, boy, do I know what that's like? And I bet, I said, and I bet you're comparing. I bet it's very easy for you to see toddlers on TikTok and Instagram reels where they're.

Like, mommy, here's a fresh blueberry. I love you. Are you crying? Mommy? I never want you to be sad? And then the baby hugs them.

And that's why all women have babies, because they see this one video of a girl being.

Like I want to stop baby. She's like what did you say that? Baby?

Oh?

What did you say that baby? And then you're like, oh my god, that's so cute.

I want a little girl that doesn't want to say strawberry.

And then when I tell her a it's strawberry, she goes yeah, and then we all go, oh, let's have babies.

But this girl was like, I'm in hell, and I was like, she didn't say I'm in hell, but I go, I know someone else who's in hell to and let me tell you, she's an amazing mom and this is what's going on. And so I was able to give her a story of someone I love in my life who's dealing with the same thing to make her feel better about her situation. And I was like, and I bet you see those kids being so sweet and you're like,

That is, don't compare yourself to those kids. And she I felt, she felt seen.

And I've never introduced them at a party. You can go, oh, you guys are both in hell because of your horrible children.

And I would. I would, I totally would do that and go like, you both.

Have three and a half year olds who seem to might be turning into Jeffrey Dahmer, like showing signs of psychopathy at a young age, and you're you did it not google it?

Whit does it show up?

Like if you're a mom out there who's dealing with a kid that you're like, I think my kid might be a sociopath or a psychopath.

You're not alone.

I think most mothers are thinking that about their little sons, because it's.

Just like you, it's never daughters. I mean, it's the sun's in the world. That's the problem.

I mean, it's just it's it's tough out there. It's tough out there, but I just I mean even today, I was pulling into my facial and it's a road and a woman, a car is stopped in front of me, and she is parallel to the parking space.

I want to park next to right, Okay, do you picture what I'm saying.

So she's right next to there's an empty spot, and her car is parallel to it, right next to it, so she's blocking it and I want that spot.

Well, she's perpendicular, no parallel.

So I'm like, so let's say the parking spot, I would just spot she's blocking the spot, but it's not for endicular, Like the spot is the same direction as her car is going, so it's like along the side of the road.

Yeah, she's just waiting, like.

She's not parts, she's just like idling because there's a woman who's talking who's standing in the lane. Like if I were to go around this person, the woman talking to her on her driver's seat is standing in the middle of the road talking to her. So I wait because I'm just like they'll finish up their conversation. I

There's nothing going on. So I lightly hunk. I'm not even kidding you, like the like let me do it. This is a.

Perfect depression like that, like you know when you just like like you pat it like the time, like barely even makes a noise.

And she goes drive around.

She goes, ah, drive around, and I go, what I go, I want to park there, and she looks and she's like and then I so I pull around, which I have to go very around because she's blocking the street, and I go, I roll down my window and I get right up with next door because this is the I'm living in now, and this is the person I am now. Confrontational Nikki, and I said, you don't need to be nasty about it. I just want I was

You told me to drive past.

I go, I said, you just don't need to be nasty, and then I drove away because I was scared. But then I parked, and then I have to walk past this woman, all right, and I can't wait to do it. This is the difference between me and old Nikki and new NICKI is I would have waited in my car for that woman to finish up her conversation because I can't walk past it. I couldn't fucking wait because I was gonna go up to it and go, I don't understand why you got mad at me, honking when I waited for.

Your conversation to be over.

Who do you think you are that you get to just have whatever conversation you want in the middle of the street, And I'm the one that's being an asshole.

Who do you think you are? I was just gonna be like.

And I was really nice about it when I go, you don't need to be nasty. I was just trying to park there.

That was my tone. I remember it wo.

I didn't want to be I wasn't like, you don't need to be nasty. I go, you don't need to be nasty. I just wanted to park there. And so I was already like felt like I didn't feel like I had lost my cool at all.

I've been actually pretty nice about it. Yeah, so that but oh it was.

I wasn't starting to shake yet, but I was about to go into a massage or like to a facial so I was like, do I want to like elevate this?

And the answer is absolutely yes. Like I was so excited.

So then I start recording on my phone because I wanted to send it to girl chat, and I was like, okay, So I just had a kind of altercation with this woman as I drove past, and now I'm about to walk past her and I can't wait for it to begin again. And so then I look up the place I'm going and it's the fucking other way.

I don't get to walk past.

So I walk past to do it, and then I was kind of going the wrong way. Then I had to turn around and go past her again, and I could tell she was nervous, and I turned around and took a fucking picture of her because that's what I do now, and I wanted her so bad to see me taking a picture so I could.

Go, oh, what what?

And then I was gonna say something shitty about how I know who she voted for, and then and she doesn't even know how to read that. I could be a trumpy like it doesn't even like who knows. I was just gonna say, based on what just happened, I think I know whose side you're on. And then I was gonna fucking walk away. And but I didn't do any of that. It was just all in my head. And then I went in sub sash and I or into the facial and I was like so relaxed because

Down and that is irreversible.

Oh fucking key, my car, I don't give a fuck about objects. I don't care about stuff. I don't care about things. Attack my car show me what a weak piece of shit you are. Like if someone were to key my car, I would I would actually think it's

Okay this weekend. I do you.

Ever Have you ever caught someone in a lie, like you know they lied, and they don't know that you know that they're lying. It's one of my favorite things that's ever happened, where you witness something and then the person lies about it and you and I don't even need to tell them that I know that they lied, but I know now. In this person I'm talking about, I've caught twice in bold face lies and I use this used to be someone I had like reverence for

Cool like you you lose.

When you lose, you're cool, You absolutely doe.

Yeah.

No one's been impressed by someone who like starts screaming or is the first to like say the weird wild thing.

And I've been that person before.

I mean, I was almost at the Taylor Swift concert and confronting that lady and stuff like. But it's a nice reminder that as soon as someone I find someone has lied or has manipulated something or done something to look cool, I just am like I there's no amount of them like they could be the most important person

There used to be someone hair fight.

Okay, I'm trying to say it without like saying it. It was someone, Okay, it was someone who I witnessed have a lot of help from people to do something. This person didn't know that I had witnessed this help being given, okay, because I was on the other side of the camera, but I witnessed they didn't know I was in the room while they were getting assistance for something. And then I because I had also gotten the same assistance and was so happy with this assistance I got

Debate.

I talked to this person afterwards without any I was not trying to debate this person into lying.

I literally wanted to be like it would it's It's as.

If I was to say, oh my god, oh it's like it's it's okay, this is exactly what happened, but I'm not giving details. Okay, Let's say that I've witnessed someone. Let's say I witnessed someone buying a pie from a bakery. I I'm in my car, and I see them inside the bakery picking out the pie, paying for it, and walking out with it.

Okay, And then I get to.

I see them and they have the pie with them, and I go, oh my god, are you excited about that pie? And they said, yes, I made it right. That yeah is the lie that I witnessed. And guess what, I didn't even need to I wasn't even trying. All I was trying to do was eventually be like, how great is this bakery? How great are we that we get pies from this bakery?

But instead I.

Couldn't go anywhere with it because I was like, what I saw you in the bakery.

What are you telling me what are you talking about?

And it was so unnecessary and it was just a beautiful moment that I got to be like, oh, all of this is bullshit, Like I can't trust anyone anymore for taking credit for anything they do.

Like it was just it was it was that kind of lie.

But it was so fun to watch because it was like I instantly went from being like, Oh, I really want this person to like me to be like, I don't give a fuck what this person thinks about me because they're a liar. And I don't respect liars, especially liars that are lying so that I think they're cool that they baked a cake.

This is Instagram Poe.

This is people who edit their photos and put festers and stuff on Instagram. Oh when I see editing, I lose respect for you, girls. I'm sorry. Like when I see girls make their waist look tinier or put like filters on their face that are obvious, I get where it comes from much more so than I do the pie thing, but I just go, oh, my god, she's she doesn't like herself, like and she's she's like this.

I guess this person. Maybe this person.

Added chocolate chips on top of the pie, and I guess they can say I made it.

Sounds disgusting chocolate chips on top.

I don't know.

I don't bake and I don't eat pie. And I just think I would like that. I think because it's just a who doesn't like to add chocolate to literally anything.

So maybe different kind of British BASI.

Final thought, I just think that Instagram, we turn it up right like it's it's lies, but it's like you can find some truth and just like turn it up. Okay, I have a tiny waist, I'm gonna make it tinier. I have clear skin. I'm gonna make it clear. I I look tan in this picture, but let me take the saturation up so I look even oranger like, Okay, there's a hint of truth. But when you are blatantly lying and also like not giving credit when credit is

And if you're listening to this and you know who you are. They know you lied about it too, and we all.

Know I'm not selling any more pies to that person.

I understand if you have an agreement with the bakery where you pay them to be like, hey, I'm going to say I baked this, and you know that I'm going to pay you extra to be able to say that I bake this because it's embarrassing. Like, I get it. That is that is a thing that people do do I I've paid people to bake pies for me before. But I I maybe the general public doesn't know I bake this pies, but I will never say I bake

That's the difference.

I asked, I didn't ask, but I didn't certainly didn't say didn't like it was just well And also it shows it's so fun to witness. I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, is that I witnessed you at the bakery last night and now you're telling me you baked it.

It was so fun.

Motivation for the lie is to make you think that they're better at baking pies, and that's just that makes it even worse because it's like you're risking getting called out in a lie so that I think slightly higher of you.

Yes, oh, you're right, Like it shows like they need to like demonstrate some sort of value to me. I don't even think of that part of it now. I feel cooler. It just was so sad to me because I know that when I have in the past, and I am not immune to doing these things. Myself, like the best version of myself would never do anything like this, but I'm sure that I could probably conjure some kind of example where I took credit where credit was due to someone else.

I try not to ever do that.

I would I really don't think I have recently, but when I do in my life, when I have lied, I I feel fucking horrible for like, oh it really hurts me. Do you think these liars like feel it? And do you think that person went to bed feeling like I baked the cake or.

Do that or whatever the pie?

Yes? Yes, absolutely?

Do I think they hate themselves at the end.

Of no, yeah, yes they do, but because of the lie.

From and I don't think they can ever really admit to themselves that they hate themselves?

Right?

I just feel like dirty when I lie, and especially like I used to. This is incendiary, but I will say it I and I probably said it on the podcast before because I'm not really ashamed to admit it.

I used to have.

I had relations in the past when I was very young with men who were in relationships at the time when we had a thing. Okay, I'm not proud of it, just the thing I went through. It was a phase in my twenties, not who I am anymore. And those men I never thought like I always assumed like they they're we're gonna break up eventually, Like this is they're doing this to act out to get out of this relationship. And some of those men fucking married those people that

I'm totally kidding, but uh no, I I just can't.

I'm so glad that I'm not someone who's prone to being a bad person, because I think I would the lying would like really hurt me and destroy me.

From the poison you on the inside. Yeah, but no, the people that lie, like the pie guy, they do not. The lies are all that's keeping them together because there is nothing in there to poison. They're just a blanket of lies with a face mask on that's walking around pretending to be a real person when in fact they are nothing. So can not feel bad, No, they can't.

Yeah, that's it was just it was the best thing of my weekend, and I just couldn't wait to tell everyone, which is caddy of me, because gossip is like is poison in and of itself. Like that's another thing that I would I can't wait till five years from now to be like if I was somee new gossip, I would hate myself and it would poison me. That's not where I'm at today. I told everyone that wanted to

Don't respect them.

Yeah, and there's another person I used to really fear so much, the most intimidated I've ever felt in my life about someone, maybe someone that was like my parents, like really like we grew up like kind of worshiping in a way interesting. And then I got to meet her and she was shitty to me, real shitty, like blatantly shitty evidence in writing shitty. And I was so like, I couldn't have been more intimidated to meet this person.

It just made me going into that day, I was just like, I don't even care anymore. Yes, she's she is not a good person.

She's like she's it's not that she's not a good person, she just isn't well.

And I don't need to be scared of someone who's unwell. I mean I can't be. And like, it's just I saw through it.

There's like a weakness to it, and not that I'm like I'm going to use this to my advantage.

I just didn't have to go in there being.

Like, oh, I'm so happy to be here thinking for like nervous. It just was it changes everything. So I hope I can some listeners. If you see your shitty boss being shitty, know that they're shitty, and like, let that allow you to like relax a little bit and not fear them as much because they're you know, they're miserable, and almost have empathy for them.

M hmm, yeah, I mean it's a good place to be no matter what, even if they're not miserable. You should never put someone on a pedestal for any reason, like you're You're just it's it doesn't benefit you to put them on unless they're the Queen of England and it's like there's like a requirement for you to bow or whatever, even that even then, like there's never a reason why you should bow to anybody. You should just talk to them like a person. And it benefits you

But but I've learned no now that if I do meet Sam Harris and he has to like talk to me, and I'm like, oh my god, odd I, He's probably like she's so dumb. Like I'm thinking that he thinks that he's smart enough to know that he's smarter than most people, and he's not gonna let it ruin his day constantly, you know, like he he's constantly he's the smartest man I've ever heard. So like everyone he meets isn't as smart as him, So me is not gonna be any different.

He's not gonna like.

Be like a truly smart person would realize that they're that different. People have different values and fact people have super intelligence not care right, and you have to you have to be smart enough to see, well this person is pretty dumb, but they have these strengths. Yes, everyone's got some strength.

That is that that is a good point, Like I I like being intimidated by smart people because when you think about it, you go, oh, if they're really smart, they're probably empathetic and understanding and realize that most people are dumb, and they don't.

They're not like angry about.

It or they're not empathetic at all. They just intellectualize the idea of empathy and then they yes.

PreTect and then then you're also off the hook because they don't see it as like a moral failing. They're just like, this is science. She got less brain power than me. I'm not going to like judge it.

But you can jump higher.

But if you if you worship people who are like great athletes are things that aren't intelligence, they literally could look down upon you because you're less then but smart

He is smart.

Yeah, And also like even if you're smart, doesn't mean you know everything, and everybody has something to offer. You can learn something from anybody, even if they're dumbest person on the porte.

You want to know the lore behind Tortured Poets Department.

Because that's really all I've got for him that he doesn't already know what.

I'm sure he has more to standard than me. All Right, we gotta go. Thank you so much for listening to the show.

We're going to be back tomorrow, busties uh with more podcasts. We'll see you then, don't be good bye. The Nicki Glazer Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me Nicki Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf, video production Mark Canton, and music by Anya Marina.