Welcome to the new manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome. I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well. If you are new to the show, my name is Kim nickel. I'm a professional coach and I helped kind ambitious people at the intersection of work and life. Especially when you are new to managing people or you're simply looking for a new way to think about it and some new approaches to How to Be an Effective. Manager and work with people at
work today. I want to talk about authentic confidence for introverts and quiet people and this is a topic that I coach on a lot many of my clients identify as introverts as quiet people as you know being very humble and perhaps not feeling very comfortable speaking up in a big way and I thought it was time for us. Us to talk a little bit more about this I myself am an introvert and when I was growing up very quiet person read a lot of books.
I was the kind of person who would have one or two very close friends and that was it kind of kept to myself a bit. So my teachers were always very surprised to find that when we had to do a presentation. I was often one of the first to raise my hand. And get in front of the class to read my story or to deliver my presentation and people sometimes were confused about this, you know, okay, if she's such a quiet kid and yet she's the first one to speak up.
But in my mind it was very simple. I was very confident, very certain that I wanted to get it over with because the fear of waiting NG and the anxiety of wondering when I would go was worse than actually doing it. And then getting to relax and enjoy everybody else's presentations and I always liked to go first because there was no one. I had to compare myself to. And what I had learned is that, if I wait the tension and the anticipation, created more anxiety for me.
And then, when somebody, Delivered, their story, or their presentation. And if I thought they did really good, I'd immediately compare myself to them and think. Well, I'm not going to be as good as them. I'm not going to be as funny as them all. This is now going to be terrible and it would feel heavier and heavier and heavier. So my strategy at that very early age, was raised your hand go first, get it over with and then sit back and enjoy the show.
And so I, you know, I found that to be very effective. Effective for me. And it's helped me to think about confidence in the context of what is authentic confidence. And by that, I mean it's a form of confidence that really feels genuine to who you are and with confidence, there are two Dimensions to it as well. There is the external part, the presenting part. You can also think of this as in terms of behaviors. So what are the behaviors that
you do? And then we have the internal part which is how you feel on the inside and for the internal part I think of it almost like there's a two different dials. And one is the dial of of feeling calm and assured and steady and grounded. And the other dial is about feeling shaky and anxious, and very tense. And so on the inside, Side. I always have both as a human, you have both. But when that sense of feeling calm and assured and grounded, and steady is more than the
shaky anxious wobbly part. Then the way that I present is really different. And I think what I see a lot when people come to me asking for guidance and for Coaching on confidence, they're initially thinking of performative confidence thinking. Oh, this other person that I work with present as very confident and I'm supposed to be like them and I need to present in a big way or I need to present in a way, that doesn't really feel like me.
It feels like I'm putting on a performance and for my introverts this comes up when you feel much more. At home in a one-on-one conversation and much more uncomfortable. When you are speaking, too many people or presenting too many people. So that's what I want to paint. A picture of first is just we have performative confidence, which is what we think it's supposed to look like and it feeling very uncomfortable and not really a home for us the way that we project confidence.
And through our actions and then we have what feels authentic to us in our behaviors and what it feels like on the inside.
Because ultimately, we want our experience of confidence to be coherent in that we have both where we feel connected to a grounded, stability, internally, and then when we present or able to do it in a way that Is true to who you are, as a person, which, by the way, makes then your flavor and style of confidence, even more powerful, because it really is yours that something that you own, and it's not something that you are pretending to, or that you are putting on as a performance.
So, here's where I want us to begin. Number one, when you are questioning Your confidence, ask yourself upon what basis. Do you want your confidence to rest or another way to think of it? What is the foundation for your confidence? And in the workplace I see often people will place it on, either I have done this before and so I feel confident in my abilities because this is something I've done before and this gets
tricky. When you are in a position where you're doing something new, when you become a manager and you've never managed people before, you've never given hard feedback before, you've never had to manage a high potential person before who's perhaps feeling bored or stuck or resentful that their talent. Has it been recognized, right? You have never been in that position before and so confidence can feel shaky when it's based on. This thought of I've done this before therefore I can be
confident the other place. I see people try to put their confidence on as a foundation is in being right? I have perfect accurate information I feel right about this and that means that nobody can challenge me. I'm uncomfortable about being challenged so I want to make sure that I'm right. This also shows up when we think I feel confident that I will Not make a mistake and that fear of making a mistake WIll flare up the insecurity.
And when we think, okay, I am not going to make a mistake. We either think that because we say to ourselves, oh, I've done this before. So I know how to do this. So I have high certainty that I will do this in the correct way or we say, oh, I have done all the research I have. Prepared thoroughly. I have gotten accurate perfect information and so because of that, I will feel certain that I will not make a mistake and It's Tricky, right?
Because when we are promoted into a leadership role, and into a manager role, that's often because you have been recognized as someone who performs at a high level and is ready for this new level of responsibility. So, there's a feeling of Well, if they believed in me, and they see me as this high-performing person now, I really am afraid to make a mistake because I don't want to prove them wrong or I think, oh, if I'm in this role, it must be because I am supposed to be good at this even
if I've never done it before. And so we start to feel more pressure, we start to feel like there's more at stake and it's interesting. To remember that even if let's just say that you had perfect information, you knew everything correctly and you done it, you know, a thousand times before depending on the context that can amplify your anxiety and your uncertainty and make you feel shaky, which can then
create a mistake or an error. And as an example, you have probably poured yourself a glass of water You know, a thousand million times, you can do that, no problem. But if you had to do it in front of 2000, people on a stage with bright lights and everyone paying attention. And the people that you cared most about were watching you all of a sudden that might feel like pressure and you might shake a little bit. Not because of your knowledge or
because of your experience. But because the The context is new and you now feel that shakiness that insecurities that fear of what if I mess up and everybody sees as one quick story about this as I Was preparing this episode I was thinking back to a time I was 13 years old and I you know 13
years old. I feel like we're all a little awkward different kinds of ways and for me I was 13 years old and I was starting these Tennis lessons and I was excited for the tennis lessons but I was also nervous about the other kids and I was hoping that I would be okay, I didn't want to be the best but I don't want to be the worst. I just wanted to be in the middle, you know, I didn't want to stand out and I also was just a little bit worried about what I have, any friends, and all of this.
And on the first day, the tennis instructor is, you know, meeting all of the students and He asks me, do you know how old are you? And I was so nervous and I said 12 and he's like okay and then he went and talked to the next kid and I thought oh why did I say that? I'm not 12. I'm 13. Oh my gosh, she's going to think I'm stupid. Why did I say that? It, that wasn't the right answer? I know that answer. That was such an easy question and it was this terrible feeling inside.
Of what just happened? Why did I mess up? And when I think back on it now it's just oh right it's not that I didn't know the answer but the context was such that I was
feeling anxious. I was feeling a little shaky inside and so I said the age that I used to be which I'd had a lot more practice saying because I had been 12 for an entire year and I had not been 13 for very long and so it just is an example of I mean, when I say the context, can amplify the shaky feeling that we have inside. And so when we're thinking about, what does my confidence
rest on it becomes precarious. When we only rest our confidence on our past experience, on our sense that I have done this before, On the idea of having perfect information and being fully prepared and researched so that I won't make a mistake that becomes a very tricky place to rest our confidence on. So instead, if we're not going to base our confidence on that, If we're not going to be as her confidence on, not making a mistake. Oh, and also.
So if you have any perfectionist Tendencies, then that will also connect to the question of, where do you base your confidence on? Because you'll probably want things to be perfect. Before you let yourself feel confident if you have any tendency of people, pleasing, and specifically your sense of being, okay? Is dependent upon Emotions of the humans around you so you're always trying to manage the emotions of other people which is a whole thing for us to work on together.
But that's also a tree very, very tricky place to base your confidence on because then you are waiting for other people's emotions to tell you or to signal to you whether or not, you can feel confident. And this is exhausting And draining because you'll spend all your time in advance, trying to predict what emotion will this other person or will these people have about what you are going to say and so it interferes with your ability, number one, to actually feel
confident. And then to it drains, all of that energy. So then you end up feeling very exhausted and have less internal resources to show up, feeling, calm, and assured. Less of the emotions of the other people. So instead what I like to offer as the ground upon which your confidence rests number one Clarity of purpose. Why am I here? And what happens when you think about Clarity of purpose and you answer that question, why am I here?
You start to think about your role, your responsibility? What it is that you are there to do and that sense of purpose unhooks from the self judgement and the self evaluation of, what if I've never done this before. So what do you have Clarity a purpose about why you are here? And what is your responsibility? What is your role in this situation, again? When you start to feel shaky, or anxious wondering?
If what if this person challenges me, or what if this person doesn't like what I have to say. So what, when you anchor yourself into that Clarity of purpose, it allows you to breathe a little bit. Because then you say, even if I make a mistake, someone challenges me, someone is in a bad mood.
I don't like what I say. It's okay because I am clear about why I am here and what my purpose and my role is so instead of focusing on yourself and in judgment and an even instead of focusing on other people and trying to anticipate their reactions, it really allows you to find this kind of quiet grounded place of this is my purpose. This is my intention and you can find certainty. At and often when we're trying to feel confident, what's under?
That is a desire to feel certain, I want to feel certain about something that matters, right? So the other thing that helps when you're looking for confidence and you're doing something you've never done before, maybe you don't have perfect information and maybe the people you'll be presenting to our, maybe not the easiest thing. People to work with. You can also rest your confidence in being clear about who you are. So for example, you might remind yourself. I am good at learning.
That is who I am. I am good at learning and so, you know, I know why I'm here. And I am good at learning so I can learn what I need to in order to go forward or I am good at learning and this is going to be a learning experience. Hence and it might be uncomfortable. So it's a good thing that I know I'm good at learning and you can rest in that certainty. The third thing is that it helps to remember process over Perfection and this connects to
both a sense of purpose, right? Like why am I here and to remind yourself oh I'm here to get better at something. I'm here to be a courageous voice, you know to advocate for One, the sense of I'm here for process, not for Perfection can help to give you that context, where it allows you to rest in the certainty that imperfection is actually not a problem. And it's not even the point and that sense to of who you are as a person that alignment to process over Perfection.
So I'm good at learning. I am going to be courageous in this moment. Because Perfection is not the goal process or progress is the goal here. So you get to recalibrate and choose for yourself where you're going to find that certainty. And what's great is that that when we Source our confidence, from those places from purpose, from clarity, about who you are from, reminding yourself to focus on process over Perfection.
Those are Ideas and qualities that you hold within yourself, meaning it doesn't matter what else is happening outside. You really can anchor into and lean on those Concepts, those ideas. And when you do that allows you access to another perspective that I have found to be incredibly value in my experience as a human who works and encounters other humans, which is this idea that My
safety is never in question. My safety is never in question and when you can think that and really believe it find a place where even though my insecurity is flared up, even though I feel shaky on the inside, my safety is never in question because I know my clarity of purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who I am. I know. Who I am in this moment, it allows us to feel a little more
safety on the inside. That is not dependent upon Perfection or performative - it allows you to dial up that internal certainty a little bit and allows that internal shakiness or that anxiety. The part of you, that's gotten a bit activated with some Here and insecurity.
It allows that part to still be there but I think of it like you put a little blanket on it and you tuck it in a basket and then that brave loving purposeful part of you carries the fear and insecurity with confidence in a little basket. And what's cool is when you're able to do this, it feels so good because you're not trying to talk yourself into something. You don't believe right? Like oh, I'm confident I'm really not it. Really does allow you to Source
a genuine authentic confidence. That feels deeply true to who you are and it doesn't require or depend upon everything going your way. It doesn't require you to be perfect at anything. It really simply invites you to be present and to reconnect, with something deeply true, and authentic about who you are. And that kind of confidence is so powerful because you're not Faking It You're not pretending, it really is genuine and I find that this works.
So beautifully for anyone who feels like an introvert, who identifies as a quiet person. And when you receive the feedback from someone that you work with saying, you know, we'd really like to see you. Develop your confidence. Right often the first place we go to. When we get that feedback is, we think I have to be performative, Lee, confident, and that doesn't feel good and it doesn't, you know, it doesn't really become sticky. We have to work so hard at that rather than thinking.
Okay, I need to source and be very clear about what is the foundation upon, which my confidence will rest, so that you can show up in a way that is genuinely authentically. To you, and it becomes valuable and personal, and genuine and meaningful, and it takes less energy. It takes a lot of energy to perform kind of outside of your
outside of your comfort zone. There's a time and a place for that and it's wonderful to be able to choose that when you need it but you really don't want to build your career there because it's too expensive. Energetically. I mean just It cost too much. So what's better is when you acknowledge and say, yeah, I am an introvert, I am a quiet. Humble person, I love this about me, and I'm going to now, look at how do I Source my confidence?
What is it resting upon and being very intentional about cultivating that authentic confidence. This is a topic I love to coach on because it comes up a lot as you rise up into Higher levels of visibility where things feel like perhaps they're more at stake and you might need some new ways to approach and think about this topic. So if this is something that you want to work on that is something I can help you with. And the way to get started is to
book. A consult you'll find a link in the show notes to my calendar, find a time, we'll talk about it. Because when you start really tapping into this and learning how to use this for yourself, You'll have so much energy for so many other things so that is what I wanted to share with you and leave with you today. I want to give you a virtual high fives for all of my introverts for all of my quiet people.
I see you, I feel you, I am with you and if you are a person who is like, oh actually I'm very comfortable being, you know, very, very extroverted. That is awesome to I high-five you for this as well and we can still I'll do the work on what you ground your confidence in. So it becomes truly unshakable as you continue to grow. All right? Thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you next time. Hey before you go if you like this podcast, please leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.