Welcome to the new manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you're here. And I hope you're doing well before we get started. Today, I have three short notes for you and then we're going to dive into our big topic. The first is, if you are not yet following me on LinkedIn, I want
to invite you to come on over. I have been posting more videos lately and I think you'll enjoy them when I have an idea that I want to teach on or speak to. I've been putting those in video form and uploading them to LinkedIn as a bonus. You'll also get to see my home office space and you'll learn very quickly that I like plants. I never used to be a plant person. I am now, but you can take a look and see me working in my home office space.
If you join me on LinkedIn, I'll put a link into the show notes so you can very easily find it and then we can connect over there too. So that's the first thing the second and Wanted to share was, I had a listener who wrote in to me? I'm just going to call her M and M asked, if I would do an episode specifically on being a younger manager who is managing people who are older than you.
And I know I've spoken to this a little bit in some of my past episodes because that was also my experience. I manage people who are my parents age and some of that age. It was a little bit awkward in the beginning. I think for all of us but I'm going to spend some more time going specifically into that
topic in a future episode. So thank you M for writing in and requesting that topic and for all of you listening, if you want me to address a particular topic, you can always ask you can go right to my website and find the contact page and send me a note. And let me know what you would like me to cover here on the podcast.
Cast. And then the third thing, I want to talk about briefly is the process that I use with all of my clients and in a sense, it kind of connects with, you know, what, we were just talking about, which is, you know, when we are growing as people when we are in a new role. When we are stepping into a higher level of leadership and responsibility and learning how to manage people, there are sort of two parts to that. And one is, there are some very
specific skills. That you need to learn most simply around communication. How do you communicate? How do you give feedback? How do you speak up? You know, how do you make decisions and then communicate them in a way that will motivate and inspire people? Communication is all a whole set of skills and then the other piece that you're learning is, there's an internal mindset shift, an internal sense of identity shift so far.
Ample thinking of yourself as the one who is able to speak up or make a decision or delegate or give hard feedback or have a tough conversation that sense of. Oh, I'm not just the individual contributor. I'm not, you know, what kind of like have this internalised little kid mind where we think. Oh, you know, who am I to, to do those things or to say those things?
I'm just, I'm just me. But when we step into this role, Well, where we now have more responsibility for the people in our organization and for the outcomes that our team or that our, you know, colleagues that we are creating. We want to shift our mindset so that we can be very effective in that leadership role when other people are looking to us. And so, we always are developing these two parts. The internal awareness part, right?
Like the mindset, and how you're thinking and feeling, And then there's specific skills that you will need like the behaviors. The actions, the things that you do. So another way to think of it is there's the being part who are you being and then there's the doing part, what are you doing? And we want to address both of those things. And so the process that I use with my clients in order to create sustainable, change is really simple. There are three steps number one, we Get present.
And when we're present that means that we're able to start to understand what's happening now. Right, rather than being too future-focused or two past focused and that's also what creates a lot of the anxiety, right? So when you're in a new rule and it you feel uncertain or you feel a little bit nervous about
what's going to happen. And if you're doing a good job or not, it's because you're, you know, in judgment and you're comparing yourself to a Share a past like you're not as much in the present as you are thinking about and having opinions, about kind of what it all means. And we can get very future or very past focused. And that also is what creates the overwhelm and the stress. So the first step is to just get present with what's going on now and who are you now?
And let's just take a look at what's going on in the moment. Number one, and the second step is we want to bring a lot of curiosity. T. So, we want to be curious about you specifically, right? Like what are some of the, you know, the reasons and the stories and the the factors that have contributed to what you're experiencing now, and how you're thinking. And the decisions you're making, like, let's get really curious about that. And then, the last part is, we
want to be kind in the process. So changes, often uncomfortable uncertainty is off. And uncomfortable when you have both of these things going on at the same time. The last thing we need is to put judgment and pressure on ourselves like oh I should already know how to do this or why do I not know how to do this yet? Or why is this hard for me? Or you don't actually grow more? When we put all that pressure in judgment on ourselves and we might make some missteps along the way.
So we need that kindness towards self as you're going through this process of change and growth, that is what makes it sustainable. That's what makes it really stick, which is, you know, kind of the difference between, you know, trying to either over-consume and change. Things abruptly like that takes a lot of effort, right? But when we take small micro steps, we make small micro adjustments, we're able to make Continuous, gentle, sustainable change and that is what I get excited about.
So I wanted to share that process with you because I don't think that I've talked about it too much here, and it really is kind of, you know, what makes the link between a concept and then that really lasting implementation is when we have that process to make the concept or the The content really sync up with who you are as a person, and your particular personality traits and just who you are. So those are my three things that I wanted to share before we got started.
And our main topic today is how to be assertive. This is feedback that a lot of new managers get when they are. You know when you're moving into this higher-level role of responsibility And Leadership is they will say now that you are a manager we would like you to be more assertive and that can sometimes feel like weird feedback like what does that mean? And is it, you know, is it have I been doing something wrong this whole time, you know, I
never got that feedback before. What's going on that? Now I'm supposed to be assertive like what does that mean? And so you know number one I just want to frame this. This is not a criticism. If someone says you need to be more assertive, I want you. You to think of it like an invitation to take up more space. Like what if that was all that? It meant that being assertive is simply an invitation to take up more space.
And what I find is that when we receive that specific feedback to be more assertive, it is often coming from, you know, a manager or from from someone in a higher position of power, who believes that you have more. Our that you can offer, but that you are holding yourself back. It's almost like a signal saying, hey, it seems like you're making yourself smaller than you need to be. And I really interested because I value your perspective and what you would like to say about
things. And so we would like to see become more assertive. Like can you bring more of yourself into the space? There's no reason. To make yourself so small or to hold back. And I think one of the reasons this can feel uncomfortable when we are asking, you know, okay. Like so how do I be more assertive as more assertive, is because we've become successful through keeping ourselves smaller.
Like, I've had, you know, one of my clients that specifically told me, hey, Kim, the reason I've become so successful in my career is because I keep a low profile, I like to fly. Beneath the radar don't like to call a lot of attention to myself, right? So it can be a strategy that has helped us in a lot of different ways. And now you're in a place where, okay you're going to need to update your strategy for the new situation that you're in.
This can also show up if you're a person who leans towards people pleasing or over giving, if you are a person, Person who tends to stay quiet because you kind of judge yourself. Well, actually, either two directions. You either judge yourself. Like, I don't know if I have anything of value to say, or you judge the room you're in.
You judge the person you're with and you think I don't think they would listen to me. Anyways, I don't want to push into this conversation because I think this pertinent of the person that I'm talking with or the That I'm in. I don't really believe that they will listen to and value what I have to say. So when we start to examine, you know, how to be assertive, there are a couple of things we want
to get curious. About one, is we want to understand what is your current behavior that is registering. As not assertive, is it around a particular relationship? Is it around a particular context, getting a little more information in a little More clarity about what that means and what that looks like can be really helpful. It's also possible that being assertive might have something to do with boundaries, like, boundaries being an agreement.
You create with yourself and then communicating that to others and then making decisions based on that agreement and that requires being clear. It requires speaking up, it also requires being aware of What you need and sometimes, especially if we're very oriented into people-pleasing and kind of high
service orientation. The tendency is to prioritize others over our self and so that, you know, the skill and the mindset of being assertive, can call us to look at our boundaries practice, it can call us to become more clear and aware of what our needs are, what? What are Agreements are because you know, when we're thinking about being assertive, it's like well what is it that I want to assert, right? What is it? That I want to put forward, what is the perspective or the
request? Or the idea? I want to contribute into this space. And I think one of the reasons to I've seen folks, who struggle with this feedback of, being more assertive is because If you are, someone who has successfully operated by holding back and staying quiet and putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, then actually putting forward your ideas or your needs or your perspectives can feel a little confrontational. It can feel a little bit like
conflict. T' and you might worry that it will come across as being rude. And so it's kind of like we we need to recalibrate, that internal sense because being assertive is not the same as being aggressive or dominating a conversation. Being assertive is not the same as being argumentative. It is not being combative. Right? It really is simply 0. Like, here's a perspective. I want to put forward into the room and I want to do that clearly.
And I'm doing it because I understand that it's valuable. And I want to specifically highlight that being a value does not mean being right or having perfect information that I'm thinking, two of my listener who wrote to me about being a younger manager, and I'll talk about this more in a different episode. But Sometimes we hold back because we think I'm the youngest. I don't have the same background as everybody here. I don't know as much as everybody here.
So I will just hold back and what we miss when we're thinking like that, is that we miss that. Our perspective is valuable because it is our perspective and it will add something to the conversation that would not otherwise wise be there. So the value is not in your, your education. Your value is not about, you know, how old you are. Your value is not about, you know, the years of experience you have or don't have in comparison to other people.
The value. You offer is a perspective that you carry because of who you are and because of the, you know, experience that you've had whatever It is and sometimes being the youngest person or the newest person, the value, you're adding is that perspective of the newest person or the youngest person and on the flip side, it's also true.
Sometimes the value you add is being the person who has had the most number of years on the planet or the value you add is because you came into this industry from a different industry. So you look at things a little bit differently. The value you add is your perspective, it's not about out the volume of information or being right about something. It's just hot.
I have a perspective, I'd like to add and by doing that by asserting that by placing that perspective into the room, you are offering value to everyone in that conversation and you are helping to uplift that conversation and all of the ideas that are happening there. And in order to do that, we need to be willing To go through the discomfort of being seen of being heard of trusting. I'm going to put this forward and I'm going to trust that people will receive it.
I'm going to trust that. Even if someone doesn't, it's okay, not a problem, right? Like we're just kind of building that muscle of. Let me be seen, let me be heard. Let me take up a little Bit more space.
Let me put my perspective forward and so that's why often, you know, the conversation around being assertive, goes hand in hand, with being confident, it goes hand in hand with feeling self assured that sense that, you know, I can still share my thoughts and share my ideas and I don't have to be right and I'm not trying to prove anything but I have something that might be interesting.
So I'm going to put this here. And people can use it and you know, do with it, what they like, right when we get into the skill of advocacy, that's a little even, you know, more than assertive assertive. I think of as here's a perspective I want to put forward into the room and an advocacy is actually when you're speaking up on behalf of like you have a perspective that you would like to put forward on
behalf of someone. And so you often have, you know, kind of the the Reasons why and you're thinking through like this is what I recommend that we do and here's why so they often go together, one story I want to share with you I was talking with a client and one of the things we've been working on was boundaries and the pattern that we discovered was the pattern of first being very people-pleasing, very over accommodating and not speaking up and saying what her needs
were saying. It her perspective was but she would be very over accommodating and just hope that someone would see and understand what she needed. Then what happened was that if her needs were not seen, if they were overlooked, if it didn't go, the way she wanted, she would go from over accommodating to becoming resentful, and she would become passive aggressive. She said, I didn't even mean to be, but it would just kind of leak out, like, I would become
snarky. I would Do you know D prioritize their messages? I started to notice, I became just very passive aggressive because I was feeling very resentful and then after the resentment kind of built up, what would happen is she then would try to be assertive. But what actually happened was she became very defensive and she became combative and she was kind of armoring against, you know, this person and she would feel like everything was a fight, like it was really uncomfortable.
And when You learned actually about boundaries. So she would check in first with herself with what she needed. She learned to be more comfortable communicating clearly and simply and she learned how to become assertive the sense of it's okay to take up more space, it's okay to Simply put forward, an idea, a request, a perspective, a boundary and to do that without without needing to control the
other person. Without needing, you know, something specific to happen in order for her to feel safe. It was like this, just this weight lifted off of her and she thought, oh, I think I get it now, right. It's not about being confrontational, being assertive, is just kind of being right sized. It's, it's just being invited to be more fully.
Engaged and present in the room and it was something she had to learn because, you know, a lot of her background was about needing to make herself smaller in order to succeed in a very difficult environment, right? Flying below the radar. In order to avoid people behaving very unkindly towards her, like it was a very effective success strategy at the time and for the context she was in.
So kind of the higher a lesson for all of us is that we learn strategies for communication and for relating to people, that will help us to succeed in that environment. But we don't want to become attached to that one way of being and that one way of doing things. So if you are receiving the feedback, you know, I'd love to see you be more assertive. Consider that a sign. To take up a bit more space to come more fully into the
conversation. People are actually curious and interested in your perspective and what you have to say and what you have to share and part of that will be uncomfortable if you're not used to doing that. But that's okay little discomfort is okay. You will survive it. I can help you. And just see this actually as a really positive sign. Like this is a sign of growth. It is super normal especially as you're growing into higher levels of visibility responsibility and Leadership.
So that's what I had to share with you today. Thank you so much for listening and I am taking new clients. If you want to work with me one-on-one, sign up for a consultation, so we can talk about it. I'll put a link to my calendar in the show notes below so you can easily find a time and I'll see you next time. Bye. Hey, before you go, if you like this podcast, please leave a review. Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.