Welcome to the new manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome. I hope you're doing well. I'm glad that you're here and I want to start with a shout-out to one of my newest clients, who successfully advocated for himself to get coaching. It's something he and I talked about. He said, I want to pay for this anyways, but if I can present
this to my organization. Station and have them pay for it, even better, which, of course I love if you've listened to my earlier episode on how to advocate for yourself. I talk more about how to do this. And last week, he wrote to me and said can it is a go. They approved, you know, the budget for me to get coaching and we're going to start working next week together, and I'm
thrilled. So I wanted to start with that celebration and that share and you know, Oh, just remember to that your company might actually be thrilled. Your boss might be thrilled. If you come to them and say hey, I found this coach I want to work with do we've got have we got budget for that. How can we make that happen? Here's why I think it's really going to help me be more effective at work. I mean that just could be the answer to their prayers because you know, they're tired.
They're busy. They really want to keep you. They want you to be happy. They want you to get better at You do. So they might just be waiting for you to ask for that. So our topic for today is how to be direct. Oh, I love this topic because it is super useful, not just at work and in your work life, but also as a human who has relationships with other humans.
And as a side note. Everything that I talked about and all of the concepts that I teach, they also apply, not just to work, but to Being Human in relationship, with other humans because guess what? Every company, every organization on the planet is made of people. And that means that when you learn how to communicate more effectively, when you learn how to be more direct when you learn
how to The kit for yourself. When you learn how to be supportive and clear, in requests like everything, fits it, all, it all goes together. And what's cool is that as you learn skills and gain confidence in, using them, in one part of your career, or one part of your life, you then get to bring and apply those to every other place, you know, this is when I was teaching my class for new managers.
At General Assembly, you know, back in 2017 2018 and I had students from different industries from small companies, from big companies, from nonprofit organizations from Healthcare from education, from all these different places. The issues people were bringing. We're all the same, the problems that they had were all the same because, no matter what industry you're in, you're still working with people and the challenges that we face and just relating to and communicating.
Another tend to show up in kind of the same way in all of these different places. So it is very delightful to know that as you learn to level up your skills and start to expand your ability to think strategically and you feel more confident and really stepping into your sense of who you are, as a leader and as a manager and having more Influence in your world that you will find that to be useful for the rest of your career and for the rest of your life.
So today we're talking about how to be direct and when I first started teaching new managers one of the questions that would come up, a lot is people would say, how do I be direct but without being an asshole like how do I beat a wrecked? But Still be supportive and kind like, how do I be direct without it escalating into a fight, or a confrontation? And I think this is such a brilliant thing to notice because so many of us in the course of your life, here on the
planet. You have learned something about being direct. You've all either learned that it is a bad idea because it creates conflict, it breaks. Relationships, it feels confrontational and super uncomfortable. Like, you might have learned that about being direct or, you know, you might have learned that actually being direct can be really effective and efficient and enhanced trust. And, you know, like you might have learned that about being direct, you might have also
learned. It depends on who you're talking to. Because maybe if you are communicating With someone who has more power than you, they might not always be receptive to direct communication. You might have learned that you have to present your, you know, your languaging in a softer way or in kind of a more sideways, kind of weigh and consider two, depending on the cultural context that you grew up in with In some cultures.
He's being direct is actually considered a very rude, a rude thing to do. And so you might have learned that actually like we don't be direct with people especially with people in positions of power because that would land in a very rude and offensive way. So, you know, you've got already all of these layers. Is that kind of filter and shape the way that you are or are not direct and in the workplace.
It's one of these skills that can be so useful because when we can be direct, when we can be clear, we start to eliminate confusion, we start to eliminate guessing or trying to mind-read others and it can create. He ate like more ease because often our anxiety spikes when there is ambiguity, when people are not being direct or not being clear and we're trying to guess what's happening. We can create more anxiety, kind of, in the system of relationships.
So, you know, one of the first things that I want to suggest that you think about, as you go into your work week, is to just notice. What is the Full of direct communication that you encounter in the course of your work week and notice who around you communicates directly. And in what context, is it, you know, coming from your manager. Is it coming from senior leadership? Is it coming from a peer? Is it coming from someone
reporting up to you like notice? Where does direct communication happen, notice what the effect of it is? Is and also notice like really start to tune your ability to observe and notice where is in direct or an absence of direct communication happening. And what is the effect of that and often what you'll find is that in direct communication will show up as being passive aggressive. We've all done it, even though we All hate it.
Why do we do this? Because we are afraid of being direct or because we're running an internal calculation about what will it cost me to be direct with this person? And sometimes we'll decide. It's just worth too much energy. It's a lot easier for me to be indirectly aggressive or sort of passively aggressive rather than Gathering the energy and the
courage to say, Say, okay. I think we need to have a conversation to clear the air, or I want to be sure that we're being clear about what is happening right now, or okay, I saw your email and can we follow up with a conversation? Because there's some things that are a little bit unclear here, but I'd like to just to, you know, I just like this to clear the air on this. Make sure we're on the same page. So look for where that where you
see that if you see a pass. Aggressive behaviors that kind of that flag signal of. This is someone who's communicating indirectly about a particular topic.
This is also, you know, when we communicate indirectly or when there's a lot of this kind of side conversation happening like you're you know, you're feeling stressed or frustrated with someone and instead of speaking directly about it to that person, you talk about it and you talk about About that person with other people and we want to be really mindful of that because in the right context, that can actually be really
helpful. And honestly, that is what coaching is great for is you can talk it out and talk it like talk through your own thoughts about it with someone who is not involved in the situation. But where it becomes corrosive is when it becomes like back-channel or it becomes, you know, Like talking about someone in the system to somebody else in the in the system. And then you have the side conversations that get in the way of trust and that become
distractions. And that can create friction and bad feelings with people. So, you want to be mindful of that. And also, like, when we're not being direct, so it corrodes trust, it can create resentment. It can create confusion. Asian and misunderstandings and it you know at the end of the day it just it just ends up becoming more draining and it is so easy to do.
It is so easy to do because in the moment it lets you kind of relieve some of the pressure of you know often were not being direct but we're thinking about the conversation that we want to have. So you're already having lots of imaginary conversations in your mind. You're trying to Out. How do I have this conversation in a way that creates a good outcome. So, we're not direct. When we are afraid of the
outcome. We're afraid of what the other person will think of us were afraid of what the other person will say, or how they might feel. We're afraid of a confrontation. You know, we're afraid of looking stupid. Like, if I ask this direct question, will that reflect badly on me? And so, when we're thinking about being direct about something that we want to say, and then we don't we go into avoidance, but we're still having the conversation in your
head. So you're still like investing a lot of energy and a lot of attention into that, and we can spend a lot of time there, and it is not that helpful. It also shows up in terms of like beating around the bush. So if you've ever been on, Receiving side. What that can look like is someone who says something in a kind of sideways way. Like, hey, you know what? I think it's really important that we don't block each other or get in each other's way, with workflow.
What they're really saying is, I think you're in my way. There's something, I think you're doing, that's blocking me. But instead of saying that like, oh, you know, I think it's important that we both You know, X Y and Z. So there's the beating around the bush, the hoping that, you know, you read between the lines and that you understand what they mean.
Without them needing to actually say it, all of this can be so difficult and exhausting and especially when so much of our communication happens through written language through a chat or a direct message or on slack or through Like A team's message. You're not getting the full context of the communication of the tone of the facial expression. I mean, this is why we use emojis because it allows us to convey some additional quality
of emotional content. In addition to the words themselves, the words themselves. Don't carry all of the information or all of the meaning. And it's also going to be in the way that you speak the way that you deliver them.
So those are a lot of reasons why we have difficulty being direct and by other people may have difficulty being direct with you and I like to sum it up just by saying we just don't have a lot of practice and honestly, most of us did not grow up with adults who are very skillful being effectively direct there. They're, you know, sort of more controlling like the disciplinarian, you know, micromanager adult, who's like, you need to do this in this way.
And so we didn't we didn't get a feeling of oh, it is safe to be direct with people. It is effective to be direct with people. A lot of us, just did not have practice. So the nice thing, you know, number one, give yourself some Grace if you really Struggle with being direct. It is so okay. It is completely understandable. It's just a skill. You haven't, you know, you haven't intentionally developed.
And in fact, you've probably become as successful As You Are by not being direct or sometimes, maybe you owe, you know, go overboard and you become sort of controlling when you try to be direct. That's okay to your human were all learning. We go. So remember, right? It's a skill. You might not be immediately good at it. No problem. And when you start realizing, okay, how can I be direct in a way that still builds, trust
builds? The relationship gets me out of this Loop in my mind where I'm trying to imagine all the ways that it could go wrong, trying to find the one way that it could go, right? The way I want to offer to think about it. It is that if being direct is that action, you take, you want to pair that action with like a connective supporting thought, like how are you thinking about,
why you're being direct? So if you're thinking, I'm going to be direct because I'm angry with this person and I get direct when I'm angry. Yeah, that's not going to be as helpful. We don't want to only use Is that direct communication style when you're feeling at your wits
end? And very frustrated, but instead, if you think something like, I'm going to be direct because I have so much respect for this person, because I trust our relationship to still be good because we are on the same team, because being direct is honestly the most kind way, that I can communicate this even if it's hard. And I'm going to be direct because I value this relationship so much. I'm going to be direct and it's
okay if it feels kind of scary. And if I feel kind of awkward because this is also how I grow and step into this role of leadership. I'm going to be direct because even though it feels harder in the moment. It's easier in the long run. It will actually save us both a lot of time and a lot of energy. And I can find a way to be direct that also includes a lot of kindness, a lot of generosity of spirit because we're all here, you know, on the same team. We all want to work.
Well together. We all want to feel appreciated and valued. Respected like we're doing a good job. Like the work we do matters. That's all like, we all want that and I can be direct from that place and when you are completely changes the way that you communicate. So let me give you another example of when and how and why to be direct in this scenario. Imagine that you are. Manager comes to you and says, I want to put you up for a promotion in our next review
cycle. And so the start thinking about, you know, what is the work that you want to be doing, and I just wanted to let you know, so it didn't come as a surprise that, you know, I see a promotion coming for you and where your mind goes to is, you think. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I'm so flattered, but I don't know that. Want it? Like I'm already working really hard and when I think about getting promoted that sounds
like a lot more work. That sounds like a lot more responsibility and gosh like I really like what I do. Now. I'm really happy with what I'm doing. I don't know that I want to get promoted and what, you know, what do I say to my manager? Do I just go along with it? Do I start looking for another job because I actually Don't think I want all that extra responsibility. Like what do I do? So if you're going to be in direct, you might just avoid the question and just go along with it.
Reluctantly and with a lot of fear. If you chose to be direct from this place of, we're on the same team. I value this person. I trust our relationship, then you go to your manager and you say, I really appreciate that. You want to put me up for promotion? I'm actually really curious about why and you ask them directly. Like why do you see me in that way or like how do you envision this going and you get more information and perhaps you
learned in that moment. They say, well, you've been doing such a high quality of work. You've actually been doing the work of the level of Person like the level higher and so when I say I want to promote you it's because I want your title and your compensation to match the level and volume of work you're currently doing and then you can Siren with relief and say, oh, so it's not about me doing more
work or additional work. It really is just about recognizing how much I have grown since I started here. We're acknowledging the quality of the work. I'm doing and realizing that my current title and compensation does not match the work I'm doing. And so promotion means that I get an elevated title an increase in compensation, but my core work really Remains the Same, that is one of the benefits of being direct when you are. In the course and flow of your
work day and have your life. The the ways you'll notice that you are resisting being direct is, you'll start having imaginary conversations with the person and you'll also jump to conclusions and make assumptions about what things mean.
So in that story, when your manager comes and says, I want to put you up for a promotion, you immediately assume a promotion means Taking on all these new responsibilities and giving up the work that I love doing when you slow down a bit and say, okay, how can I ask directly? What is this mean and why is my manager thinking of this? For me? It will get you more clarity and it will get you more information and then it is so much easier to have a very effective conversation.
And to also have the information for yourself to make a decision that really feels good for you and it's normal for our brain to flare up in fear anytime. We're faced with uncertainty. And it's so interesting to notice that even if it's a positive uncertainty, even if it's something that you want like I see this a lot, you know, I'm promoted, amazing.
Oh, no, what do I do? I do like I've never done this before, it is so normal because your brain doesn't really sting wish distinguish between something positive and something - it just registers. There is change. There is something I haven't done before and then that sets off the flare of fear and insecurity and uncertainty like it is such a common experience. So I want to normalize that for you in case that's something that you're experiencing too. So that is what I want to share with.
You around being direct. Oh, and you know what? I also mentioned at the beginning. How this is useful in like all of your relationships. Not just the ones that work and there was a short story. I wanted to share. So several years ago, when I was new new in a relationship with my current partner, who is Amazing by the way best relationship ever. One of the things I noticed was that I would text him a lot. More than he texted me. And one day.
I just I told him, I said, hey, I want you to know. I will probably always text you more than you text me and I don't expect you to respond every time. Like, you don't have to respond to me every time I message you and I'll probably invite you to spend time with me like a lot. That's just kind of how I roll like a fire, like, so, When I'm like, hey, can we spend time together all the time?
And I told him I'm like, I'm just going to trust you to be direct with me. Like, if you are not available. I will trust you to tell me. No and I promise that I'll be okay. I won't be at the won't be mad about it. I'm going to trust that you're taking care of yourself that you're making decisions that are
good for you. And I'm just, you know, going to text you in, you know, in my timing when it feels good for me, but But let's just be clear like you don't have to respond every time and you don't have to, you know, feel bad. If you feel like you're saying no to some of my invitations and it was such an amazing moment. He was like, oh, really?
Like thank you for saying that because because on his side, it started to feel like pressure like that, every response recruit, every one of my messages, required, a response, and that every ask of mine, required him. It was pressure for him to say, yes. So for me to just be direct and say, hey, like this is how I tend to communicate and like I want us to be good like it's okay. If you are a know, I welcome
your know. If I'm just going to trust, you're taking care of yourself and it's fine. Like we had to sort of, you know, pressure test that as we got started and we did, and it was awesome. And that is something I had to learn how to do. Because you know like as a human who is dating other humans, like we're all kind of working with different expectations.
And we sometimes forget we have different levels of like like capacity for energy to spend time with one another and it's so easy to take things personally and feel rejected and feel like we're messing things up and it just makes things easier when we can bring. A willingness to be direct.
And, yeah, sometimes they can feel vulnerable, but it's worth it when we use this, directness plus kindness, because we value and respect, and Trust. And that is what makes relationships more, satisfying, more robust, more adaptive, more flexible. And that's what, you know, makes work a lot more enjoyable than we have that and it just makes life a little bit better too. So that is my teaching and my share for you today. Look for ways to bring more
directness. That same quality of kindness and trust and respect in two different moments in your own life. Notice in your workspace who is really good at being direct who has not learned yet, how to do that, who is a little bit indirect and a little bit between the lines and making you guess? And just notice what the effect is just be, super curious. See how it plays out. And start to make some choices intentionally for the way that you communicate in your own world. All right.
Thanks so much for listening. I'll talk to you next time when you're more effective at work. You're happier in your life. And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at work. I can help go to my website. Kim nickel.com and sign up for a coaching consult. It can get better.