Welcome to the new manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome. I hope you're doing well and I hope you're having a good day. I'm really glad that you're here because today I want to talk with you about communication skills. And there are three different parts to this episode today. They all fit together, I think of it like facets on a jewel. So, we'll turn this Jewel over a few different ways to look at these different. Different facets but they all
connect. So around communication specifically, we'll talk about public speaking. So this is the kind of communication you do using your voice to speak to other people will set aside for the moment.
The communication we do through written language, either emails or, you know, messaging through teams or slack and we're just looking at the physical With your body communication that we do. We'll also talk about that in the context of giving feedback because in the workplace giving feedback is something you will do as a manager. It's often a specific requirement.
Whether you do that informally to Simply get work done or whether you're thinking in the context of a formal review, process giving feedback is something you will do. Sometimes you will do that using your actual voice in real time. Looking at another person, which is a whole challenge in, and of itself, and kind of one of the themes to all of this is the question of how, how do I do this? And there's a lot, we need to talk about with respect to that
question. So, let me start by sharing some context with you on my Public speaking Journey. When I was a kid, I was a shy kid. I was quiet. I was introverted. I was not a very, you know, extroverted, you know, kid. I was very quiet kid. And yet whenever there was a situation where we had to speak in front of the class, we had to read a story or we had to deliver a presentation, I always
raised my hand to go first. And this surprised some of my teachers, they did not expect the quiet kid to want to raise her hand to go, first to speak in front of the class. But I had a very good reason for doing this. It was because I wanted to be in control of this uncomfortable experience. What I found was that if I was waiting to be called on my anxiety, grew and I became more and more uncomfortable, Able and I felt so nervous like I could be literally shaking and I hated that feeling.
And what I learned was if I wrote If I raised my hand and I went first then it would be over and I could relax for the rest of the time that feeling of uncertainty of not knowing when I would be called on was for me the worst feeling the other thing that happened if I waited Not only did I have the anxiety of not knowing when I would be called on, but I would have to watch the other kids deliver their story or or deliver their presentation, and then I would start to compare myself and I
would compare myself to the kids who are really good and think, oh my gosh, I'm not going to be as good as them. You know, what if I stumble on my words? What if I'm not funny, what if their story is just better than mine, so I would go into all this comparison. And and that would make me feel bad. Or to the kids that really struggled, I would completely identify with them and I would think, oh no, I will also do a bad job and then I'll feel as bad as I feel for them right
now. And so either way it was just worse for me. So I learned early on even though I was very reserved, very quiet, kind of kept to myself, very introverted kid, I would raise my hand to go first. I could control the situation, I would eliminate all of the comparing and then I could just enjoy the rest of the time. And I mentioned this because you know many many years later I became a teacher I became a coach and I would have been spent a lot of time like years of my work life.
In this role of coaching and facilitating large groups and doing it in a very introverted. A Third Way, meaning doing it being very grounded, very calm, wanting to shape the experience and take control, so that it becomes a really useful and valuable time for everybody. And what I would find is a lot of my students initially would be surprised that I identify as an introvert because I'm so comfortable in front of people, but I would just remind them. Well, when you know that you are
the one running this event. You can feel a lot more relaxed because you're not the one getting called on and not knowing. When you're going to be asked to speak, I have a lot more nervousness when I'm in a situation that I am not facilitating or that I am not the lead person in because it introduces all of this uncertainty. So if you are a person who has felt a lot of anxiety around public speaking, I wanted to offer this as as a potential way to think about it, that it might
be around. Where do you find your ability to exert control over an uncomfortable situation? And it's possible to be an introvert and to also be a very effective speaker, when you know, how to approach the situation in a way that makes it easiest for you.
And as a manager, if you are leading a meeting it is so helpful to understand that some of the folks on that call might be introverts and they might hate being in a situation where they don't know when they will be asked to speak, they can create so much anxiety and especially if you add the additional layer of someone who's brand-new to an organization or someone who is multilingual, and English might not be their first language, or it, Not be there, most
comfortable language and so it can add additional stress or pressure. Just having this in mind. Can help you to make decisions around. How am I going to run this meeting. So it's not complete silence in the room. Or I don't have certain people, taking control, and doing all of the talking and never hearing from other people in the room. So that ended up going off in a more facilitative Direction than I expected when I started talking about this, but there
you go, added notes. So anyways, so public speaking, even if you're a person who is uncomfortable about it, that's okay. Also, it's often part of the job as you rise into leadership roles and as you manage people, you'll be speaking using your voice conveying information. Making a request giving bad news facilitating a decision, getting information from people. There are so many situations when you will need to speak using your voice and a couple of things I want to give you tips on.
So for three years right up until the pandemic, most of my work was doing. Matej Tada workshops and Communications coaching specifically on public speaking and the three, you know, the core elements to this skill. Our number one understanding, there's a difference between what you say. That's the words that are going to come out of your mouth and how you say it, two separate skills. What am I going to say? And then, how am I going to say it?
The, how is going to be about the use of your voice? That means your volume, your tone, your speed, some of us are naturally fast talkers. Some of us naturally speak more slowly all of us tend to speak faster when we feel nervous or under pressure and also the how that we speak is also about the volume. So are we speaking very loud or are we speaking in a softer voice?
And also, you know, what is the, the body language that were conveying your message with not just the gestures but also your facial expressions and I mentioned that not because you ever want to micromanage yourself in that way. But it's really helpful. When you think about, when you're communicating the words, you use are really only a small part of that. There is all of this.
Other part of how you communicate which is about conveying information through your body language or Expressions, but also the way you deliver it, with your voice, with your volume, with your speed, with your tone. And one of the things that makes this so difficult for people to learn and implement, it has nothing to do with the technique. And this was what I think was so interesting. Is that The actual technique is really simple and I taught this for three solid years.
I taught this to brand new college graduates. And their very first job after school, I taught the same exact techniques to, you know, the chief technology officer of a publicly traded organization with global employees everywhere. Like, and the problems the challenges, Has are the exact same for both people. It has nothing to do with understanding the technique. It's all about the question of authenticity.
How do I do this in a way that feels authentic to me, it's all around how you're thinking about yourself whether you're thinking oh I just can't do that. That's not like me or whether you're thinking how can I do this to let more of my authentic Voice come through? It's not about using the Rules are not it's about understanding your own mindset because that is what will either cause you to use the tool or to abandon it and kind of spin on the hamster wheel of.
But I don't know how, I don't know how, I don't know how. And as a coach it was fascinating for me because I would think but I just told you how you pause. Oh, but I don't know how to pause him. I've always been a fast talker and so, you know, for me so much of my work as a coach was Is learning how to connect, you know, someone with where they were, and what their specific Challenge and obstacle was. So they could then use the technique in a way that was genuine for them.
And my goal is a coach and this was something it was so interesting. I would always have to explain this at the beginning. Was my goal is not to make you like me. I don't want you to speak the way that I speak. I want you to take these tools. And use them in a way that will be effective for you and in a way that will bring more of your authentic personality and style
forward. And one of the things that was really cool when I was doing really big trainings, like 60 people 100 people is that we would always have multiple coaches. And so, then my students could see very clearly that me and these four other coaches, we're
all using the same techniques. But we are using them in very individual ways and I mentioned this in part because you know it's still January. So we're still kind of in the season of evaluation and making decisions about what what you want to have be different for you this year and you might be reading books or blogs or, you know, you're listening to podcasts about how to do things differently.
And the place people always fall down It is never around understanding the concept or technique. You understand the concept and technique and moreover, it's really easy to learn what those Concepts and techniques are. It is so easy to go on Google and ask how do I speak with greater confidence or how do I give feedback, or how do I manage this team better? It's really easy to get all of that information. But the place, I'm, I just want
you to know. This is where you're going to sort of fall back into your patterns, is because the implementation part requires that, you update how you think of yourself and you identify, what are those internal obstacles that are keeping you from using and applying the tools and the techniques everybody has them. Everybody has them but understanding like what is your current thought process? And what is it?
That is prohibiting you from adopting and implementing and using a new idea that is really the thing you want to pay attention to. Otherwise you end up with like the stack of books and all the tools and all of the trainings but you don't actually see the result of the change because you're not incorporating. That so bringing it back to public speaking and how you communicate information.
And first just being aware of what are the tools you have available around your voice, whether you speak in a loud voice or a soft voice, whether you're a fast talker or a slow talker, whether you are, you know, have a lot of expression.
And the way that you convey information That's one piece of it. The other piece of it, of course, being the words that you choose and when we're thinking about feedback now for a moment, so much of giving feedback you will spend all your time thinking about what do I say? What should I say? I don't even know how to talk to them about this because when you think about what should I say, You're really thinking a couple steps ahead thinking about the
other person. And wondering, what will they do when you say this? We're often trying to manage like two or three steps ahead and when you're thinking about how the other person will receive what you have to tell them. There are two big forces. One is fear, what are you afraid? Will happen if you get it wrong. Are you afraid they'll cry? Are you afraid they'll shut down? Are you afraid they'll yell at you? Are you afraid? They'll escalated into an argument? Are you afraid that they will
lie to you? Are you afraid that? You know, they will say yes to you and then you'll really have to step up. Like, what are you afraid of and what do you desire? What do you really want to have happen as a result of this feedback? What do you want to be different? What do you I hope will change as a result of this conversation. Maybe you hope that they'll change their behavior. Maybe you hope that they'll give you feedback, maybe you'll hope that things will happen on time.
Maybe you'll hope that like, what is the thing? You hope will be different as a result of giving this feedback and if you have ever stayed awake at night, playing, oh, Over and over in your mind. I know I have to have this conversation. I really don't want to. Here's what I'm afraid will happen. Here's what I really really want to happen and wondering how do I say this in order to control the other person in order to try and
control that outcome? If you have been there I want you to know that you are not alone. That is a normal human thing especially as we're Rise in to manager roles. And if you do not yet, have a manager, I'm confident that you have had a similar experience, thinking about giving feedback to your manager or to someone in a position of authority over you. Because when we have those power differentials, then we really do think carefully and in a very measured way, is this even worth
it? To bring this up. Or will I just keep my mouth shut and find a way to cope and work around it. We all make those calculations based on what we think will happen. It's helpful to understand when you do this because also as you manage others it may help. You understand that everyone you work with is also doing this too.
So giving feedback being aware that, there's what you say, there's how you say it realizing, how much of your energy is going into your thoughts, about what will happen, how might this other person respond and it's also going to go into your thoughts of what you think it makes it mean about you. Like, if this person reacts with anger, what does that mean about? You does that mean you're doing a bad job?
Maybe maybe not maybe responding with anger, is a really understandable response that this person is going to have the question then becomes. How are you going to be in that situation? What do you want to do with that? Next, what I find is that when we are in the place of managing others, so much of it is about relationships. And we create relationships through the way that we communicate, which what is why
it becomes so important. And when we're speaking, while we're doing that communication and I'll live setting, you can feel a lot of pressure because once the words come out of your mouth, you can't bring them back and something will change and one of the most scary and frustrating and things and anxious Parts about it, is that that moment.
It of, you know, feeling like things are not in your control that you cannot be in charge of what's going to happen with this other person and what they're going to say or how they're going to respond. So that's a lot. Let's bring it back to a couple of different points. So number one, if you're an introvert, if speaking publicly is something that is always created a lot of stress for you.
A lot of anxiety. If you know, that's a place that you want to build more confidence in, I want to give you a high five right now because that level of self-awareness is fantastic and it's normal when you rise in in levels of responsibility and Leadership. You're often called upon to be more visible, which can create pressure and stress and to do more verbal communication, which is a skill set in and of itself. Not everyone is trained in it.
A lot of us have to figure it out as we go, but you can get specific training in it. I trained people for years and this and I bring it into my coaching when people want it. Understand it's a thing you can learn and Can get better at also. Realize it's a question of how will you develop this skill to use it? In a you kind of way you don't have to be a big performative. You know kind of motivational speaker style speaker in order
to be very effective. You can do it in a you kind of way the techniques will help but most importantly of all Paul, it's your mindset. It's the way that you're thinking, it's what your attention is on, its what you're thinking and how you're thinking. And honestly, I have found that coaching is the number one place to do the work to develop your mindset.
So, one of the things that I love about the work I do, so definitely reach out to me. If you want help with that, And understanding that when you are giving feedback there is going to be the mindset around like what is it that I want to say? What do I want to be different understanding? What am I afraid of and getting all that sorted out before you initiate the conversation so that you can be as prepared and grounded and to create a really valuable and effective feedback
conversation for you. And for this person, I think that feedback is one of the skills that is sort of the one that is most required and is really easily overlooked. And I think, you know, it's not for a bad reason, but most of most of the organization's, I've worked with, don't give specific guidance on how to do feedback. Well, They just assume well you've received feedback before so you should just know how to give it or they'll offer like a do-it-yourself training to
follow along. But the place that you're going to get hung up on is not the specific tools, but how you specifically apply it because of your own anxiety, your own self-doubt. The specific places where your confidence is not there for you. That's what? We want to understand so that you can address it and then show up in your most confident effective self when you're giving feedback. So the question of how, you know, how do I do this? How do I do it?
Well, I just want to give you the little heads up that there's the technical part, right? Like you'll know how it's easy to answer that the word, how you just go on Google. You can Google how get all the videos. Get all of the the You know, answers that you could possibly ever want. But at some point you need to let go of that kind of how and you need to get into the, let me apply this and let me find a way to make this mine.
And what I love is that when you make it yours and you begin to connect, who you are as a person with the tools and you start to use them in your own way. Way in your organization with the people and the specific people that you work with that becomes a little bit magical and it is so useful for now and for the rest of your life, truly like for the rest of your career, as you start to unlock and you start to use these little, you know, these little tools.
One at a time, just like step by step the smallest. Changes create the biggest changes and that to me is pretty exciting. So that is what I wanted to share with you today. Thoughts about public speaking thoughts, about giving feedback, understanding the how question and also I guess this is where I want to land and kind of leave you at the end of the day with all of this. Bring so much compassion to yourself. Forgive yourself for not knowing how forgive yourself, where you
feel like you struggle. You're not behind, you're exactly where you need to be for right now, and you're always just one step from the next smallest thing that will make the biggest difference. So don't be hard on yourself. It's okay. We all learn. We all have our own Learning Journey and a lot of us are being asked to learn things. We wouldn't have expected. We needed to know how to do in the particular circumstances and conditions in which we are learning them.
So that is what I want to leave you with today. I hope it's helpful and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Hey, before you go if you like this podcast, leave a review. Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.