Hi, it's Kim Nickel with the New Manager podcast. And before we get into today's episode, I wanted to tell you that enrollment is open now for my course, Communication Strategies for Managers. This is the foundational course that will help you feel more calm and more confident in everyday situations at work. So sign up to join us, go into the show notes to find the link or go directly to my website,
kimnickel.com. And on the new managers page, you'll learn everything you need to know to register for this course. All right, now for today's episode, we are revisiting a very popular topic, working with difficult people. This is one of the most popular episodes that I recorded in the last year, so I thought it deserved a second listen. Get ready to take some notes and here we go. Hello and welcome. I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well.
If you are new to the show, you are in the right place. If you are a new manager, if you are a leader, if you are just a human who works with other humans and wants to be able to do that more effectively, that's what we talked about here and we've been going even deeper in the course that I'm teaching right now. It's all about communication strategies for managers and the conversation we've been having
have been so good. Like this is the fun thing about being in a live class environment where you get to ask questions and share celebrations and talk through some of those kind of stickier challenges and figure out what can you try to do differently or, or what approach might you take.
And so if you're not already aware, I want you to know about that course because it will be offered again and you want to plan for it, whether that means both planning to talk to your work about possibly sponsoring you and covering that cost as part of your own professional development.
As we're coming into the end of the year, that might look like performance reviews, that also might look like finding out what budget is left that has to be used for professional development before, you know, before the the end of the year. So if that is true for you, then be thinking about that and know that that is available. It is really cool to have like
live conversation. It tends to make it a lot easier to start to apply things when you know that you're going to have me and a group of people to come back to the following week and share what's going on. So get the link to that into the show notes and you can join the wait list to sign up as soon soon as it opens again. Now, today we are talking about working with difficult people. And the simple truth is that
it's hard and it happens. You can't prevent friction from happening no matter how hard you try, no matter how good you are. It is so normal to experience friction and frustration and even a clash of perspectives or priorities and also communication styles. Because humans are human and especially at work, we can sometimes forget, all right? People have different priorities. People have different communication styles. People are trying to manage the pressure that they are feeling.
And we do it in different ways. And you know, sometimes we forget that, you know, we have different ways that we have learned work for us. You know, I one time was coaching a client and she said, like, why is this person, why does why, why do they keep doing this? Why do they keep saying this? It's driving me crazy, like why are they this way? Why are they doing this?
And the thought that I offered to her was, well, the reason they're doing this is because on some level this works for them. This is the thing that they have learned that when things are difficult or when you're frustrated, the behavior that you're experiencing right now, that is the thing that they have done in the past and it has gotten them the result or the outcome that they wanted. And one of the things that happens when we start to accept that, OK, we all have patterns
of communication. We all have ways that we behave with others when we're feeling frustrated, when we realize that everyone has their own way and it might look different than, you know, from how you do it. It allows you to start taking things a bit less personally. And now it's not like, why are they doing this to me, right? Why are they being so difficult for me to work with? It shifts that perspective enough where you can say, oh, this is so interesting.
I like they're this is what they're doing. This is the behavior I'm observing. This is the pattern that I'm noticing.
And once you start to let it not be personal, then you can start to get curious, which gives you more access to actually finding a path through it and finding something that will be more workable to change it. O here's how I like to coach my clients and the general framework I want to offer you because, you know, it's one thing to try to never, ever, ever have a difficult working relationship.
That actually takes a lot more energy, I think, than trying to simply acknowledge, yeah, it's going to happen from time to time. It doesn't mean anything bad about you, and it might not even mean anything bad about the other person. You know, sometimes a difference in perspective can feel like conflict or a difference in priorities can feel like conflict. But you know, none of this means like when you encounter it.
It doesn't mean anything bad about you and it doesn't mean that you're not cut out for leadership or for being a good manager. It is just the new thing that you are learning how to address on your own career path, on your own life journey, right? It's just a thing that is happening that you're going to learn. You know what your options are. It doesn't mean that you're not good at what you do or that you're not cut out for it. So three things that will help when you find yourself working
with difficult people. Number one, identify the real issue. This one can sometimes be the trickiest one because when we're really caught up in a situation, it can be hard to see clearly. When we're taking things really personally, it can be hard to find a more useful perspective. So we want to be able to take a step back. Can we identify the real issue? And we're going to ask questions like what if any role do I have in this dynamic?
We're going to ask questions like, what do I think is going on? Like what's the story I am telling you know myself about this behavior or about this situation, right? Like what what is going on here? Another great question to ask is to ask yourself why do I think this is happening? And can I ask them like what are you trying to accomplish here? What are you trying to do here, right. We want to start to understand like what what is really going on?
What is this about? So identify the real issue and it's going to be different in different situations, different contexts, different power dynamics, different situations. We want to start with that question. We want to slow down and really kind of untangle it, look at all the different angles. So we figure out what is it that we're actually trying to solve for? What's the issue? Once you do that Step 2, you will choose a strategy and next steps.
This is where the curiosity becomes really helpful. We want to be curious about, OK, this is the strategy I'm going to choose because I think this is what's going on. Based on that, here are some steps I will take, some things I will do, maybe even a very small adjustment I will make and let me see what happens. It's not about choosing the quote UN quote right strategy because honestly, there are so
many factors in play. You might not know exactly what the right approach is until you started to take a couple of steps in a direction because something will happen when you do and that will give you more information. So you can then adapt or adjust how you want to address the relationship, the person, the situation. Next, one of my favorite practices that I'll offer is to look for the wins and to start telling people what they're
doing. Well, it's really, really simple and I talk about this in a few different contexts. You might have heard me talk about this on the episode where I talk about like celebrating the small wins or when I've talked about giving feedback and performance reviews. You know, it's it's easy to forget that feedback doesn't just mean here are the things that you're doing wrong or here are the things that are falling, you know, below expectations.
But giving feedback and giving that gratitude or that appreciation of, oh, here's here's what I see you doing. Well, it's such a small thing, but it can have such a big positive effect because it can signal, hey, I appreciate you. Your work is recognized, you are valued. I am seeing you. I am with you. I am on your side. It can be a way of establishing some connection and some goodwill.
And sometimes we just forget that part, you know, especially if you have a bit of a perfectionist streak towards yourself and you tend to overlook your own qualities that are, you know, that that are doing well for you. If you tend to, you know, over overcorrect and tend to only focus on the gaps and the things that you feel you need to get better at, it's easy to do that with others too. And sometimes that very small shift right, is part of your
strategy. Let me just you know, what happens if I give everyone on my team a really genuine appreciative compliment this week and let them know what I appreciate about them and what I see them doing well, what might happen? Like, let's find out. So you want to choose a strategy and you want to choose to take some next steps. Let them be small things that you can easily put into practice, put into action, and
then see what happens. And then the third thing that will help when you're working with difficult people, be OK being uncomfortable. And I mean this in a few ways.
So it might be uncomfortable to give someone a compliment, for example, it might feel uncomfortable to have a direct conversation around, you know, I've noticed this and I'm curious what you think about it and where this is coming from because I was kind of surprised or I'm just, I'm kind of confused about like this behavior that I'm observing. Can you fill me in on what what's going on?
It might be uncomfortable to be that direct, but also it might be uncomfortable to stay with the discomfort that someone else is kind of spinning up around you. And what I mean by this, this is the kind of situation where you might work with someone who has learned over the years in their life that the best way to get things done for them is to make
other people uncomfortable. Because then when someone else is uncomfortable, they will then concede or, you know, give in to what that other person is wanting. So they might be creating discomfort through, you know, anger or impatience or pressure or like a passive aggressive nature. It's, it's this really interesting thing that honestly, I, I think it mostly happens a lot, a little bit on the subconscious level. They've just learned that this is, this is an effective
strategy. I try to be very generous with the perspective that I don't think people are intentionally trying to like, be difficult. I think we just have different strategies for how we like to get things done. And some people have learned, you know, if I make things uncomfortable enough for this other person, then I will be able to get my way. And they're very comfortable
with you being uncomfortable. But if you are not comfortable being uncomfortable, then you will fall into that pattern. And it can feel very, very frustrating. And it's like, what is happening here? So being OK with discomfort, you know, and part of what I work with my clients on when we coach is let's really understand what is the quality of discomfort here?
Like what is this really about? Because if we understand kind of what that's what that is, where that's coming from, it can give us a lot of really good information. So these three things, OK, you're dealing with someone, you're thinking this is such a difficult situation, is such a difficult person. And you know, and by the way, they might not be a bad person. You might really enjoy them in another context. But in this particular work relationship, things feel difficult and it's very
frustrating. Or they could be somebody that you just genuinely don't vibe with. Like you really just don't enjoy them. And yet here you are in relationship with them at work, and you still need to work together effectively and respectfully and in a way that doesn't drain right 'cause you know, there are so many other things that you could use your energy for rather than feeling drained by a work relationship. So considering these three things, right?
Identify the real issue, choose a strategy and next steps. Be OK being uncomfortable. A couple of extra notes. 1 is that if you're a perfectionist, watch out that you're not being too hard on yourself, that you're not trying to do it perfectly. The goal here is process, not perfection, so be willing to do things clumsy. That also might be where some of the being OK with discomfort
comes into play. If you are someone who dreads conflict, be really compassionate with yourself and also be willing to be uncomfortable addressing the issue head on, like head on, heart forward and you know, feet grounded. That is a practice and there are so many reasons why people struggle with that. It's really common for, you know, lots of different reasons.
So just be mindful of that experience for yourself and remember that, you know, it might take some practice and it might take a new way of seeing the situation. But as you do so, it will start to grow your courage, your confidence, and it will start to relieve some of that pressure that builds up. And if you've experienced that, you know, you know what that that feeling is like. And remember too, that this is kind of what leadership
development is all about. It is about acknowledging when you're in a leadership role that will require you to effectively work with different kinds of people, with different perspectives, different priorities, different strengths. And all of those differences can be part of what makes a team really effective and really, really strong and really good.
But it requires communication skills, it requires a strategic thinking, and it requires really understanding yourself and the things in your own background and experience that might be tricky for you when you are in that position of needing to communicate and make decisions and kind of, you know, work with people of different backgrounds, perspectives, priorities, ages, all of that. But you know, that's that's what we're here for, right? Right.
So anyways, that's what I wanted to share it with you today. If you want additional help, then reach out to me for one-on-one coaching or get on the wait list for the next round of communication strategies for managers. All that you need to know is in the show notes or if you just go to my website, kimnickel.com, you will find everything you need to know there. All right, have a great week and
I will talk to you next time. When you're more effective at work, you're happier in your life, and when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at work. I can help. Go to my website, kimnickel.com and sign up for a coaching consult. It can get better.