Welcome to the New Manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim Nichol. Hello and welcome. I'm glad you're here, and I hope you're doing well. Have you ever stumbled upon a book and you just saw it? You felt drawn to it. You picked it up and as you started to thumb through the pages, you had this feeling of, Oh yes, it's time to read this book.
I had that experience recently and it was something that as I was reading, I knew that I needed to create an episode and share some of this book with you and share some of the ideas with you. Because I know that one of the hard things when you step into a leadership role is that you are going to encounter more opportunities for conflict and
friction. And I know that this is something I've heard a lot in the coaching work that I do and in my course around communication strategies and helping people think about, you know, how to communicate more effectively with people who have different priorities or people that are motivated by different things or people that just have a different perspective and view about work and how to do it.
The, the fear or the discomfort around potential conflict is something that I know can really show up a lot. It can interfere with, you know, with everything from your sleep to your confidence to your ability to really feel like
you're doing a good job. And so I found this book, and it is called dignity, the essential role it plays in resolving Conflict. And the author is Doctor Donna Hicks. She is an associate at the Weatherhead Center for International Affairs at Harvard University, and she has had a a long career in the field of international conflict resolution.
And so much of what she's learned and what she's written about in her book is so useful when we think about the workplace or honestly any, any situation where we are working with other humans. And also, I think it's really helpful to have this framework and language for considering your own experience in the world and situations where you might have felt what Donna describes as a dignity violation.
And I feel like her language and the way that she describes these 10 essential elements of dignity, when we think about it in this light, it has a change. Like it changes the way that we can look at conflict and what's beyond that, Like, how do we reconcile? And so today I wanted to spend a little bit of time talking with you about her book and about this framework and these 10 essential elements of dignity. The first one is acceptance of identity.
And she talks about approaching people as being neither inferior, more superior to you. I like to think of it as this idea of, you know, we are both humans. We are kind of shoulder to shoulder. We are on the same ground. And it allows us to, I think, kind of welcome how people are in their entirety. That's one of those first elements is just acceptance of their identity without, you know, applying a superiority or inferiority thing in the workplace.
Sometimes it can be, I think, hard to do that because we are working within formal structures of power. But in the dignity methodology, this is that first element, and it's a good one, I think, to start with. From there, the second element is inclusion, and it's the sense of helping to feel like you belong, helping others to feel like they belong. Whether you know it's in your family, your community, your organization, is there a sense of belonging? Third is safety, the sense of
can you put people at ease? And we can think of this both in terms of the physical environment, is that arranged to create a sense of ease. And we can also think of it in terms of psychological safety, the sense that, you know, it's OK for people to have their own perspectives, their own ideas, that they can share what they're thinking without the fear that something bad will happen as a result.
The 4th element is acknowledgement, and I what I really like about this is she describes it as giving someone your full attention and that is not always easy to do right. There are lots of distractions. You know, attention spans are
not necessarily so big. There's always the sense of needing to rush ahead to the next thing, but the quality of one's attention in the present moment means that you're then able to acknowledge the person that you're in relationship with, the person that you are communicating with, and there's a lot of value when you feel acknowledged. There's a lot of value that you can bring by acknowledging someone simply by the quality of your attention and being present
with them. The fifth element is recognition, and she describes it as, you know, validating others for their talents, their hard work, their thoughtfulness, the way that they help, and this idea of being generous with praise. And that's something that I think is so important. We want to be generous of spirit in the way that we see and and name the things we appreciate
about people. Everyone wants to feel seen, valued, appreciated, respected, and so intentionally choosing to recognize someone in that positive light is part of that. The next element, I think it's an element 6, is fairness. Are you treating people justly in an even handed kind of way? People feel this kind of honor of their dignity when they feel like they're being treated fairly.
And if you've ever had this experience where you felt like that's not fair and being treated unfairly, it felt probably not very good. And the sense of being injured. And in this model, it's the idea that your dignity is injured when you're not receiving fair or just treatment. The next element is benefit of the doubt. I think of this as that generosity of spirit.
Like if someone does something that I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt 1st and get really curious about it. And she describes it as treat people as trustworthy. So start with that premise. Start with the idea that other people have good motives, that they're acting with integrity, that it's coming from a good place. Start from that place first. The 8th element is understanding. And she describes this as, you know, believe that what others
think matters. I think about this as being curious about other people's perspectives. And it's that same quality, that same sense of, you know, let people explain and express their points of view and be curious to listen in order to understand them. Can you have a sense of where they're coming from as a manager
and a leader? This is also really helpful to understand, you know, how are people thinking what's going on on their side that had them make this choice or take this action or fail to take a certain action, But start from that desire to understand their perspective, what they're thinking and where they're coming from. The 9th element of dignity is independence.
This idea of independence, to encourage people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility in the workplace. I often hear people say, oh, I really want, you know, this person on my team to own it. I want them to own it and take the initiative, and I want to trust them to be able to run forward with it. I don't want them to always look to me to tell them exactly what to do.
And that's something I was thinking about when I was reading this element, this idea of independence and encouraging people to go ahead and act on their own behalf. I think when you're also in that role of a leader and realizing, oh, like you actually have a lot of choice in how you decide to work with your team, how you decide to communicate and build relationships with your manager, with others, that quality speaks to like that sense of autonomy and that sense of agency, of
being able to choose. So she describes it as independence, which I think is a really lovely element to include. And then her 10th element in the, you know, essential elements of dignity is accountability. This idea of taking responsibility for your actions. And if you have violated the dignity of another person, then apologize and make a commitment to change those hurtful behaviors. And so I know I'm not doing this fully justice. I really would encourage you to take a look at this book.
Again, it's called Dignity, The Essential Role It Plays in Resolving Conflict. And I'll also put a link to it in the show notes. But throughout this book, she describes in detail each of these 10 elements, and she shares examples of what that has looked like in the course of her work. And one of the things she gets into in the third section, so the first section is all about, you know, what are these 10 elements and how did she come to
develop this model? And then in the second part of the book, she talks about like 10 things that can get in the way or 10 things that can, like, undermine this quality of dignity, you know, 1010 temptations or traps that kind of lead us astray. And then in the third section, she talks about how to use the power of dignity to rebuild a broken relationship and promote reconciliation.
And one of the things I really like about this is it it also acknowledges there will be plenty of times in the course of your life or, you know, in the course of your experience on the planet where there may be ruptures in a relationship. You know, whether they are insignificant or deeply significant. And they can kind of sometimes feel the same. But the the role isn't necessarily to prevent conflict from ever happening.
You know, sometimes conflict is actually really useful, but to consider that if there is a rupture or if there is some kind of harm to the relationship or to this other person or to yourself, then it also provides a perspective and some steps. Or you can think of it as a tool or a framework for how to rebuild that relationship, how to promote reconciliation. How do we do that through this lens of dignity and extending dignity to, you know, this other person?
One of the things I also really loved, and I have so many little flags and notes in this book, is she talks about when we are seeking to repair a relationship through dignity, it doesn't have to include forgiveness, which I thought was so interesting. Like you don't necessarily need to ask the other person for forgiveness. They don't necessarily need to grant it to you. When we think from this place of dignity, it's a little bit different.
And most importantly, what can happen is that by honoring someone else's dignity, it also strengthens your own. And as I was reading that, I just felt this incredible kind of sense of ease and this sort of filling feeling, the sense of, oh, yeah, that that feels right. Like just reading those words, I thought, oh, that makes so much sense. Like in in My bones, that when you honor someone else's dignity, it can strengthen your
own. And so I wanted to share this book with you because, you know, being a human and working with humans can be hard. And sometimes there is conflict on small scale or on big scale. And we, you know, sometimes have a lot of fear about wanting to avoid or prevent that conflict. But we need to look beyond the question of how do we prevent it. And I think anything that provides more language and more tools and more frameworks for thinking about like, how do I describe this actual injury,
this thing that feels so bad? Or if this relationship feels like it's not working, what can I point to to help me understand what might be going on here? Oh, it has there been a dignity violation? Have I neglected to consider the dignity of the people or of myself? Like, is that what's feeling ignored or unacknowledged? Because if so, there are all these other things you can do to try to repair the relationship, but we're missing this really
important human quality. You know, when you pick up this book, and it's not a huge book, you know, it's, there's a lot that happens just within these few pages. But before you even get to the table of contents, there's a, a blank, a beautiful blank page with just a few words on it. And this prompt says, what does dignity feel like?
And so as you get into this book and sort of as you're listening to this episode today, I actually wanted to leave you with that as we come towards the end of our time together today. But the very beginning of the book offers this question, what does dignity feel like? And I invite you to kind of simmer on that question to notice for yourself, what does it feel like when you feel that sense of dignity?
And if you feel curious to learn more than please go check out her book that you know, it's in the show notes because I think that you will find it useful and helpful so that you feel a bit more prepared for the relationships that you have. And honestly, not just at work, but in life, you know, like some of the things that can come up in the workplace actually are very useful in other situations as well.
And the reverse is also true. But being a bit more equipped and feeling a bit more at ease so that when you encounter conflict, you have an idea of where to go in order to repair, rebuild and find something beyond that conflict.
So that is what I wanted to leave you with today, This book and concept around dignity, the dignity methodology, and these different elements that as you continue to think about them and let them inform some of your choices in the way that you are at work, will help you to have an even better experience with the other humans in the workplace and in your life. So that is what I wanted to share with you today. I know I've been away a little bit.
I've been teaching my course on communication strategies for managers. And if that's something you're interested in, then join the wait list that's in the show notes. And if you're interested in personal, one-on-one, individualized coaching, then reach out and let's schedule time to talk about what that entails and what you want to get out of your coaching experience.
And we can talk about how that works and what you can get out of it. Link below in the show notes also, or just go to my website, kimnickel.com. All right, thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a really great day and I will talk to you next time. When you're more effective at work, you're happier in your life. And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at work. I can help. Go to my website, Kim Nicholcom, and sign up for a coaching consult. It can get better.