Welcome to the new Manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim Nichol. Hello and welcome. I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well. I have been thinking a lot this summer about being a new manager and how it is not just about being a first time manager or being new to managing a specific team, but it also points to is there a new way that we can do things?
This idea of beginner's mind, you know, sometimes we assume that the way things have always been done are the way things need to be done in perpetuity forever. And when we take a step back and say, can I look at this with new eyes? Can I approach this from a different angle? Can I try something that maybe I haven't tried before, but maybe now it's time to try this new
approach. That is where we can create some really powerful changes, not just in the way that we work with others, but in the way that we experience our career and our professional lives. You know, so much about being on a leadership journey is also about your own growth and the way that you are going to evolve and change over time.
You know, for example, when you become an individual contributor and you start doing something, very often the job is to learn to be really good at that specific thing. But when you become a manager, that's no longer the goal by which you're measured. Now it's about how do you facilitate or enable other people to work together effectively in order to accomplish a bigger collective
goal. And sometimes that's the, you know, one of the hardest transitions when we start moving into leadership is you have to be willing to let go of holding tight to that identity of I am good at this specific thing because now in this new role, your job is to be new to that job. And you will be new and maybe you won't feel like, oh, I'm not good at delegating. I'm not good at advocating. I'm not good at pushing back or negotiating when there are competing priorities.
And different people are demanding different things of me and my team. And that willingness to be uncomfortable with the growing pains that you're going through is one of the challenges that I want to speak to and just normalize. And part of that is going to be
our episode today. I wanted to share with you a clip from one of my most powerful and popular workshops, which is this, this teaching on the gentle no and how to say no, how to set boundaries when you are someone who cares deeply and you don't want to disappoint people and you identify as a
hard worker. And so saying no can feel so counterintuitive because when you have built success in your career or in your life by being very self reliant, by rolling up your sleeves and saying, yes, I will get into this with you, I can help. When you've maybe had to work extra hard because of the particular circumstances in your own life, then the idea of saying no to things, it's just
not a habit you've built. It's kind of like a, you know, a muscle that is there, it's just underdeveloped because you haven't used it. Maybe you haven't had to use it. And so learning then how to access and develop that skill can feel weird. And when there's a lot of pressure, the thing we do is the thing we know how to do, which is the thing we've done in the past.
But if you want to make an intentional change, like if you're thinking of your career and your own personal growth and professional development, and if you really want to kind of take that in hand and say, OK, I am now in a place where I must learn to be more comfortable with saying no to things, then you can start to create that change in very intentional ways,
very deliberate ways. I was talking with a friend of mine and we talked, we were talking the other day about making gentle changes so that you can fail gently. I love that concept so much because what happens when we resist the change or when we resist learning the new skill is we tend to let the pressure build and then it really starts to feel like maybe the wheels are falling off or we start to really lose our patience and get very, very frustrated.
And instead we can choose, OK, let me make some gentle adjustments, some dental changes, knowing that I might not get it right at first. So let me fail gently. Let me let me kind of struggle with this in small ways and also build some small wins that can be a much more sustainable and a much more inviting and kind of productive way to grow skills and to grow a new mindset and a new way of doing things. So kind of within that context, I wanted to share this clip with you. It's about 10.
No, not 10 minutes. No, it's about 4 1/2 minutes and I'll talk you through, you know, some aspects of what, like why we ruminate. So if you sometimes find yourself laying awake at night and you're replaying a conversation in your mind over and over again and it's a conversation that hasn't happened yet, you know, you're imagining if I say this, they'll feel that. If I do this, they'll sell this, they'll say this, then I'll feel
bad. And then when you when you kind of get into that loop, this is going, you know, this is going to help you to understand what is it that's driving that, why is that happening and give you an approach as sort of a framework for what to try instead. And especially whenever I'm teaching on communication skills, I want to remind you that these are skills not just for your work environment, but also for your life.
And sometimes it's actually easier to practice outside of work with other people who you know and love or just, you know, other people who are in your world, start practicing them in low stakes environments. So you start to build that sense of trust and efficacy and that sense of, OK, I know how to do this here. Now I can bring it into the workplace with people that I work with every day. Or maybe things feel a little bit more high stakes.
And you know, when you're thinking about how do I bring this skill of the gentle know and how do I start thinking differently about why am I deciding to say yes to things? Am I overextending myself out of habit? Am I overextending myself and over committing because I just I so identify with being a hard worker? Yes, I can help you. Like, is that what's going on?
When you start to understand some of what's going on behind behind the scenes in your decision making and behind the choices you're making, it can then help you to make a plan for how do you want to respond in the workplace when someone makes a request of you or when you start to see that you've got competing priorities because you know for sure that's going to
happen. And so this will give you a bit of a, and a way to think of how can I be prepared for that situation so that I'm not simply responding out of habit, but I'm responding from a very intentional way. And anytime we're choosing something new, expect it might feel kind of weird, which is why we want to plan for it ahead of time and imagine us being able to do that.
Otherwise, the muscle memory kicks in, especially when we've got a lot of things going on. It's always easier to do the thing we've done in the past than to do the new thing. And so this one will really help you. I know you're going to love it. Have a listen. Oh, and if it helps you and if you are just a fan of this show, could you do me a favor and leave a review or a rating on the whichever podcast platform you listen to because that will help. OK, so here we go.
And I know you're going to love it. So here's what's happening. We've got you. You've got some feelings, you've got some thoughts. We have this other person, this other person that you meet is going to ask you for something. They've got a request. The first thing out of your mouth might be, why yes, I'd be happy to take that on because that is the habit you've built. And then you're like, why do I have all of this work to do? All right, Because I said yes to everything.
It's like, all right. Like that's the habit I've built. I'm so used to doing that. Especially if you feel under pressure or if you feel any kind of insecurity flair, then we're going to try to create connection by saying yes. It's a human pattern habit. It's OK, but we just want to understand like that's what's happening. I'm trying to find connection. I'm trying to be helpful. I'm trying to, you know, maintain rapport with this person. So your first guess might be yes.
And then you go into your mind and you're like, why did they ask me that? Can't they see I'm busy? What should I have done instead? And so you can get into this really exhausting loop where you're feeling something and then you're thinking something. And this is what the rumination is when you're lying awake at night and you're feeling bad and you're thinking about what should I say?
What should it be different? What if they do this with you like you're having all these opinions about them. We actually don't know anything that's happening in their mind, and we don't know anything that's happening in their emotions. But we've got lots of ideas based on our past experience, based on our cultural context, and based on, you know, all of these other kind of invisible
anticipations. So this is what also, I guess we're very exhausting and why it is so important to develop the skill of the gentle know. And so you want to think about, you know that in the future someone is going to make a request of you and you will have a choice. How do you want to respond? I encourage you to think ahead. What is the relationship? What is the situation where you want to feel more prepared to give a gentle no?
Oh, you want me to join this, you know, additional like work committee to do extra additional work for this thing? I love that you asked me. I am a gentle no. I am a gentle no. I love that you asked me and part of this too. We don't have time to get into all of the details, but one of the things I'm hoping that you see is the way that you feel about your ability to say no is so tied in to how you make decisions.
And a lot of times the question around saying no is actually a question of where am I making this decision from? So for example, for the person, I think it was Judy, who was saying it's just faster if I do. It takes longer if I explain it. But then what you're deciding is you're deciding that you're not going to develop the skill of training up or helping other people learn how to do it themselves.
You're also now choosing to be like the bottleneck rather than realizing at some point your job is not to be the one who does things the best. Your job is to make decisions about who's going to do what and when and why. You might assign a task to someone who's not that great at it because that is the only way they're going to get better at it. So you might say no, like I'm, you know, I'm not going to take this on.
I'm going to assign it to this person because there's a strategic reason why I'm going to say no and then do it for this other person. Similar to around competing priorities, there will always be impeding priorities. Always. And your job is often to make
decisions about that. What will be the basis of your decision when there are competing priorities, and how will you communicate that when you're more effective at work, you're happier in your life, and when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at work? I can help. Go to my website, kimnickel.com and sign up for a coaching consult. It can get better.