Welcome to the new manager podcast. I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you're here. And I hope you're doing well, there is so much to celebrate today. And it's a good reminder of how important it is to celebrate. Because there will always be things to do that, haven't gotten done. And there will be always things to improve or things that you think. I wish I could do this better. That's just true about Being a human and growing and learning new things and facing new
challenges. There will always be that and that's not a good reason to skip over the celebrations, especially the small ones because the little celebrations are part of what keep us going and give that inside part that sometimes feels discouraged or simply just Tired gives us the energy to keep going and to feel like, you know what we're actually doing, okay. There's actually a lot we can
celebrate. So today a couple celebrations I wanted to start with one is I wanted to celebrate one of my clients. She actually is working in an organization that hired me to teach a series of communication workshops and do some communication coaching with
them. And one of the things I told the group and our very first session was that when you're learning about communication and you're going to improve the way that you communicate out, work to be more effective in the workplace realize that everything you learn. You also can use elsewhere in your life. One of the things I love about communication skills is because you use them every day all the time in, Every relationship in all kinds of situations. So don't think of this just as
skills for your work life. Think of this as skills for your life, like all of it. And so they took one of the concepts from class are very first group class together and they thought about their home life and their roommate and realize there was a conversation, That they had been avoiding and because of what they learned in class and started thinking differently about their relationship and their living situation, and their roommate decided to have a
conversation and it turns out they both had been feeling a little resentful, not a big deal, nothing serious. But this growing underlying unease and because they Able to open this conversation and address it before it became a
really big deal. It just made everything better sooner and it was so wonderful because as they were relaying, the story to me, I mean they just have so much more confidence and in themselves but also in this feeling of oh I know how to take care of my relationships and keep them healthy and good and loving and respectful. And if there's something that feels He's a little off, I know what to do. Now, I have some tools, some skills, and I have the mindset and the confidence to be able to
use them. So that is a huge celebration for me. I love it. When my students and my clients are able to take something small and turn it into something big and especially around things that seem like not a big deal because that's where we tend to overlook. Look the opportunity to make a change. So I love that celebrating them. Celebrating me celebrating. All of us for being able to do that. The other thing I wanted to celebrate is, I got a new computer after 10 years.
And it was so funny because my so my boyfriend works in the tech industry and he is very Tech forward and always very curious and very interested about All of the new technology,
I'm a little bit the opposite. When I find something that works I just like to keep it. Like my phone is very old and cracked but it works and my laptop was 10 years old and you know I didn't update the operating system all the times they're supposed to. He was a little shocked by that but you know we just have different styles, it still worked, right? Why would I change it?
But I finally decided that it was it was time to upgrade My machine and my tools, and it was fascinating to observe in myself my own resistance, even though by all measures of performance, the new machine is going to perform better, and it will help me do things faster and easier and, you know it like it is it is literally if you look at all the specifications, it is better in every way. However, it is still different
and my mind. My brain is a human brain and so we tend to resist change and we tend to stay with what is familiar and comfortable and the things that we know how to do because, you know, we've done the same way. So it was really interesting to notice my own internal negotiation, maybe I can keep my Current computer another year to you know it still works. It still works.
Why should I get it? You would, it was really interesting to notice that and I feel like it's something that you know we get we get sometimes caught in this self-judgment thing where we think, okay, there's something I need that is going to improve my life in some way whether it's I need to initiate an uncomfortable conversation or I need to Change my job, or I need to apply for this promotion or, you know, or I need to take time off, sometimes, it's that.
So, I really need to clear my plate. Take time off to recharge. There are so many different things where we think, oh, I know, I need to, I should it would be really in my best interest to and I don't even mean the social pressure kind of thing where Society tells You, you know, you really should do X Y and Z. I'm talking about you yourself. Genuinely believe that it would benefit you in a meaningful way to do something different.
And even though you are an intelligent person, and you are in touch with yourself, and you see how this makes perfect sense, do not be surprised that there is a part of you that is highly resistant to change. I think we're just Built that way, we tend to be resistant to change.
Now the thing is you want to be aware of that resistance so that you can decide is this resistance a good reason to not actually change or is this just the resistance that always shows up anytime I'm on the threshold of something new, because, if we're not aware of that dynamic, That's when we can feel stuck in a really uncomfortable place where you feel like I know I should, but I just can't get myself to do it.
And I don't know why and I know I should but I just can't and that push-pull feels exhausting and then if you put on a layer of self judgement and start trying to like beat yourself up as a way of motivating you to move forward that actually just
makes it worse. Because now you're associating this new thing with something not just uncomfortable because it's new but you're associating it with this internal voice that's really mean to yourself and it's really hard to learn and take risks because if you doing something new it feels like a risk. Even if you have a great safety net, like in my case, I had a boyfriend who had helped me get
my new machine started. But even then if you have this Harsh internal voice that says, mean things about you, when you're feeling resistant, that makes the resistance stay
longer. And what I found is when you have this awareness, from the most compassionate, most loving friendly Part of Yourself, the inner voice that says, oh sweetie, I know that you don't want to do this because it feels scary and I know that any time you do something new, you feel kind of sad because you have Give up the thing that you've been using that you really liked and you've got all this emotional attachment to it. I completely understand this is
going to be uncomfortable for you and you know what, we're still going to do it anyways because you've decided that this is what you want and so we're going to go for it and we're going to do this with all the kindness, all the gentleness, all of the compassion, for what you are experiencing in the moment. When you are able to tap into that, That internal perspective and voice, it changes things. It makes the hard things so much easier, which means that you
learn faster. And just like, with my student, who is able to take a small idea to a small moment and apply it with gentleness and curiosity and then have a really big win. I mean, that's the best. That's honestly one of the fastest and best ways is to Get unstuck this to bring so much compassion, and understanding to yourself about how you are when you are faced with change. And communication, is one of the kinds of change that can feel so resistant, because it feels so
personal. It's not just communication. Its this is who I am. I am, just this kind of person. So, when you are updating The skill set of how you communicate. Your also updating your sense of identity. You're also updating yourself concept about who you are as a person and if you feel like you're going against your own feeling of self, then of course, it's going to be hard. So a lot of my work, as a coach is helping you to see, not just the skill that you will need in
order to accomplish. What you want to accomplish but also to help you develop a mindset, a self concept and identity that matches with that and that matches with your values and, you know, is compatible with your sense of self so that you're not fighting yourself along the way. And this is really cool because then you really become a person and a leader and your personal life and your professional life.
Start to feel really coherent, really a Aligned like it all fits and it's not like performative and it's not masking and it's not like you have to put toward yourself into a certain shape. It really starts to feel more like you just a new growth new version of you. So having said all that, both the celebrations, awareness of resistance, tapping into that compassion voice becoming aware
of the relationship. Nation ship between a skill set and the mindset and self concept that you need in order to move forward. I want to talk about push back. This is something a lot of my clients struggle with at some point because it feels very uncomfortable and it also feels like it goes against their values and who they are as a
person. What I mean by that is if you think of yourself as somebody, who likes to get along with, People who is not like a conflict oriented person, you know, you're just, that's, that's kind of not where you tend to live. You tend to live in a place of, I want to have collaboration. I like cooperation, I like people getting along when there's High friction and high conflict. That's very uncomfortable for me. And so I tend to move away from that. If you see yourself as that way,
if you see yourself as a person. Also, if you know that you have a tendency to people, please, and both The positive and the negative. So, the positive as I've talked about before, is this really heartfelt sense of kind of generosity of spirit where, of course, I want you to be pleased. Of course, I want you to be happy and to feel good and to feel valued.
Why wouldn't I want that? Like, of course, I want that, you know, and on the extreme side that can get to the negative side where you prioritize, the emotional state of others, And then deprioritize and neglect and overlook your own needs values. Our priorities, that's when it gets into not such a great place, then the idea of push back feels very uncomfortable and at work.
What often happens is, you're in a meeting with a group of people or with your manager and someone either gives you a deadline or a task or an assignment and you say yes and you commit yourself Are you commit your team or you commit? You make some commitment some agreement. But there's a part of you inside that saying, I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't really want to. That's not really my responsibility. I want to push back. I want to push back and that can
feel so uncomfortable. When you are a person that's like that is, that feels so against just my natural wiring and how I am in the world. I don't like feeling opposed to others. I really like Harmony and feeling, like we're part of a team. So, I want to offer you a perspective. It's a very small shift, but it can make a very big difference. And instead of pushing back, which feels like we're now
against each other. You're like, you're trying to go in One Direction and I'm trying to push against you. And now, it feels like conflict and maybe there are even some power dynamics where the person Is of a higher position and has real power over. You kind of in the hierarchy of the organization, it can feel highly risky and even it might
feel kind of rude to push back. So you're just like, okay and then it just feels terrible and then you're not having a conversation about it. So, instead of pushing back, I want to invite you to think of it as slowing down. So instead of saying I'm going to push back against this, want you to think about it more like can we slow down a moment? And take a look at this, can we slow down? Let me understand what you're really trying to accomplish
here. Can we slow this down and take a look at the big picture, because I think there are some other things like, in play that were overlooking, because sometimes when people are making decisions in the workplace, they're doing it from a place of urgency, from a desire for For Speed. But as we've talked about before urgent, doesn't always mean
things happen quickly. Sometimes when we're very fast and reactive, it actually makes everything take longer because we're not being strategic and thoughtful. And we're just, you know, in a state of anxiety like chronic anxiety, is not the same as efficient and effective work. There are quite different. So instead Pushing back, you can think of it as can we slow down and take a look at this, or can we slow down and like have this this conversation?
So I really understand what you're trying to accomplish first and what's nice about that is when you're slowing down, you can think of it. Almost like you're riding a horse and the horse is running full charge in One Direction. You're not going to try to jump off that horse and stand in front of it and say, hey, I'm going to push back. You would get run over, it would not be a good scene for you or the horse. You'd both feel pretty bad about
it, you could both get injured. But if you're riding this horse, and you're going in the same direction and you just want to slow things down a bit. You can do that with the most subtle and gentle of signals just a shift in your weight. Just a gentle change in like how you're holding yourself, can To bring a little more slowness into the moment so that everyone has a little more room to breathe.
It can take time to look at the situation from a few different angles, but you're still going in the same direction and that feels good. This feeling of we're going in the same direction. I am with you. We are on the same team. I just want to slow things down because I'm I'm curious and that Curiosity can be very non-threatening. It is, it doesn't have to be a
high conflict thing. It really changes the dynamic and that energy, and can keep things feeling good, while still raising some questions and pausing, the momentum to make sure are we going in the right direction? Is this really the best way forward? With one of my clients? There was this dynamic. At the higher level people. So, like the director of EP levels would say, oh, it needs to happen in this way.
Go do this and it can feel like oh if my upper person is telling me to do it in this way, I guess. I'm supposed to do it in that way. But what happens when you slow down as you can ask, what's behind that requests are they simply in a panic? And they think this is the one clear and only way to get things done or are they saying? That it has to be done this way because of some legal compliance thing. Like is there a labor law that requires things be done in this
very specific way. Let's get clear and understand because you might have another way to accomplish the goal in a way that actually works better for your team because, you know, your team better than the folks above you. They don't have the same perspective that You do. And when you are in that middle position and you can say to the person above you, hey let's slow down. Let me understand where this is coming from. Okay, I hear that. Here's how I'm approaching it.
And here's why it allows you to bring a little more ease into the system, a little more perspective, a little more like a little more relaxed you know, like a little less anxiety or
just going to turn the anxiety down like five. %. We're going to turn the ease up telling 0, 5, 5 to 10%, create a little more Breathing Room, a little more space and that is so helpful both for you for your team, for the leadership that is, you know, trying to figure out how we going to get all of this done and it doesn't require pushing back. It just requires a willingness to slow down just a bit to be curious. So, That is what I wanted to
offer to you today. See if you can find different places in your own life and in your work to practice that see what happens is those really small moments that create really big results and outcomes and also start to build that confidence in yourself. No matter what situation what conversation, what relationship you are in. And I will tell you that is an awesome thing to know about yourself that you can do. That. All right, thank you so much for listening.
If you want to work with me, there are two ways to do that. You can work with me one-on-one or you can get on my mailing list. So that you note, the next time I open up my group, my group is Amazing. By the way, I'm really enjoying this group, I've got kicked off. So, all of that, is in the show notes, or just go to my website, Kim nickel.com to learn more, have a great week. I'll talk to you next time. Hey, before you go, if you like this podcast, please leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.