Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
In this season finale: a special guest, flies as pets, a productivity hack with hanging anvils and how to catch Kristen Bell. Flies, crows and sloths battle for the final place on the ark. Elliot, Joe and Saf plan how to have 500 children. Same old nonsense. See you next season! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This episode: the new ark does drinking games, Joe shares wisdoms on pee consistency and Elliot readies arson charges. Also: the camel that shot its owner. Just cos'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This week on Ark the musical, we invent leech porn. What a climax. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This episode: anti-rabbit lighthouses, why you might marry a dead person, and how crows are really the McDonalds mafia. Joe goes on record advocating for adultery and Elliot reveals a cunning plan to explode crow's heads with a murder mystery. Bidding for the film rights will start at £5 million. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
In this episode: Joe gets burgled and Elliot names an STD after himself for SEO. Also: how many legs can a crab lose before it's no longer a crab? This and other age-old questions will not be answered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The show that will get Elliot cancelled. The darkest ep. to date. Where Joe admits the animal he's defending is a despicable serial rapist. Nuff said. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Introducing the all new ark spin-off show, Films We Haven't Watched. Talking about movies we couldn't be arsed to see. With cameos from penis swords, walking zebra murals and awkward pauses... ... ... ... ... ... ... lots of awkward pauses ... ... ... ... ... ... also flies. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This week, Joe's being haunted and Elliot's high as a kite. But it's Tony the trouser-ripping tiger in the spotlight. You know that dude's over 70 years old and still creeping into kiddies' homes on cereal packets; definitely not giving off any paedophile vibes. 3, 2, 1, clap. Bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Joe thinks owls are dead boring. Elliot spent a month in France saving their asses. But whoever said fight for what you believe in didn't while away his finite time before the grave recording drunken ramblings about space arks and raining cats. That's a fact. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
They're the mortal enemy of sharks, bees, elephants, Godzilla and Elliot. But special guest Leanna's determined to get them a space on the moth-ership. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
They don't have eyes, ears, noses, brains, hearts or anuses. What do they have? A Welshman who self-identifies as a kettle to defend them. Good luck jellyfish. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
In this 10-year-old's wet dream of an episode, we talk about poo smells, sex screams and sliding down poles. You know, the usual Tuesday evening deal. Joe reveals intimate insights about his bowel movements. You don't wanna know. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Snails. They're like slugs with houses. Or seahorses after 15 minutes in the blender. Or sloths if you're Joe. So come ye come ye and hear us two spineless suckers moping about dishing the dirt on these garden heroes. With all the energy of a snail. Seriously. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This episode: tardigrades, the tiny little indestructible micro-bears with eight legs and a vacuum cleaner bag body. Why tardigrades? You asked for them. Nerd. Now see these superpowered microbes torn to shreds before your very eyes. Except it's a podcast so you won't actually see anything. Just imagine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
You asked, we answered! Rattling off your audience requests to kick off TNA series 2, we're taking sharks to town. Which sharks can walk? Which die if they stop swimming? What idiot would put them on board an itty bitty space ship they're flying? That last one's Joe by the way. But please, please listen anyway :) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Earth hasn't exploded (yet) so we're back! Well... Elliot is. Saf got eaten by fungi and in his place it's Welshman Joe being overly nice to bastard animals. First on the chopping block: rhinos. [Boo hiss!] In this ep, Elliot tries to break Joe and almost succeeds, extracting the choice phrase: "Life is shit." Fun times! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The royal rumble rematch: closing out The New Ark series 1 in style with a three-way showdown between frogs, snakes and fungi. Can we break the podcast by letting a non-animal on board? Yes we can!! Our first 'happy' ending for the show and plenty of pizza-based discussion. Series 2 coming this September to a device near you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Is Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhives to leave your vote... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Saf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to find out. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote: meerkats, good or bastards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote whether earthworms deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
This episode: a starfish of chameleons in an aquarium. Also Saf misspells chameleon. Elliot plays the race card and reveals God's OG rules for animals on the ark. No longer will chameleons blend in and escape keen eyes- now they're out, exposed in the spot light, all their crimes laid bare for judgement. Do they deserve to make it on the ark? You decide. Cast your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
So they killed 26 little children in the Bible, but never mind- bears are great, right? Then again, how did Goldilocks die? And what's up with the sloth bear ripping out peoples faces whilst they're still alive? Are bears hairy Chewbacca jedis or will they join the dark side? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bears get the golden ticket to Earth 2.0 or if farcical fire and brimstone better suits their crimes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....
In this un-bee-lievably bee-eautiful episode, the honey-tongued Saf defends bees against Elliot's lambasts. Inventors of democracy or imperialist autocracy? Hive mind or mindless bombing suicides? And what kind of bee makes hallucinogenic rainbow honey? All this and more- head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bees merit a spot on our space cruise. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
How do you catch a wolf with one hand down its throat? Listen in to find out. Fairy tale villains or misunderstood cretins- all will be revealed as Elliot and Saf sink their teeth into the gritty business of wolves. And supervolcanoes. Because why not? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote on whether wolves deserve a place on the all new and improved ark. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Saf's been eaten by fungi and now they're here to claim their mouldy old spot on the ark. They're not even animals but hey- who cares? They're serial killers anyway, so it take a very stupid person to get on their bad side. Like Elliot. Special guest Marika Bell wisely defends them. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote: fungi friends or foes? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
They rhyme with cats, which is always a bad omen, but will bats make it on the ark? Only time will tell. And a rant or two from Elliot along the usual lines- bats being responsible for both COVID and World War 3, of course. Listen closely then head to @newarkhives to vote if bats get that golden ticket to a new world... or not. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Raccoons are obese good-for-nothing big black-and-white rats. Or are they? In this marvellous episode, Elliot fails abysmally to find a more popular Marvel film than Guardians of the Galaxy and we discuss whether raccoons can really talk- very, very, briefly. Head to @newarkhives after listening to vote on whether these critters deserve a spot on the ark. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Anglerfish: dope or deep sea shit? Rapists or celibate saints? Slave drivers or shining beacons of hope? In the first and only episode of The New Ark not to reference Jurassic Park, we dive into the angry devils that are anglerfish and Saf almost drowns. Do they deserve a spot on the ark? Leave your vote @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Welcome to the inaugural Royal Rumble. Up for debate this week: not one but three animals which you the audience couldn't decide on. Pigeons, crocodiles and giraffes all get successively bigged up then eaten alive as Saf and Elliot are joined by special guest Joseph Grove from the Animal Wellness Podcast to thrash out which critter merits that golden ticket and an all expenses paid trip to paradise. Follow the action @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....
Thisssss week: it'sssss dessseption and ssssnake oil for our sssssslithering animal guesssssst. Prepare for ssssssibilance galore as Elliot revels in stringing up snakes and Saf triessss to ssssave them. Do they dessserve a place on the ark? You decide.... leave your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
