The Playbook: What’s in a name?

This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren z Ema Comedy from the home office in Austin, Texas today to talk about something that I didn't think would be that controversial, but apparently it is. As we open up the playbook on taking the last name of your significant other, of your spouse, changing your last name when you get married, is it right? Is it wrong? Should you do it? Is it just an old tradition that nobody really knows why we continue to

You're so right that I did not expect this to be so controversial.

So this kind of started because.

I went on my Instagram and I keep getting these emails from the wedding website the notot no shade to the knot. Look, they're doing their job, they know I'm a bride. They're sending me stuff. But I keep getting these things that are kind of cracking me up because they're sort of stressful emails. I got an email, you know, like you get an email blast. And I got an email the other day that said, you should really consider.

A destination wedding.

Lauren, and I'm like it's a bit like for that. I got one that said, in the subject line changing your name, let's change your name? How the not can help you save time when changing your name? And I posted this on my Instagram because I thought it. You know, it's just so interesting to me because here's what that email says to me. That email blast says to me.

Question mark?

And I went on Instagram and said, you know, why are we not yet at the point where we're discussing, well, would the man potentially take that last name?

Would you know, how do we feel about changing your last name at all? And it was very polarizing.

You got some really strong opinions, So I got I did a little poll, I said how do we feel about last name changing? And the options that I gave were one, women should take men's last names. Two it needs to be more equal, meaning like maybe a man should take a woman's last name, and three, no one should change their last names. Fifty one percent of the responders at press time here said women should take men's

She called me disgusting.

She said that men are women's protectors, and so women should take men's last names. Another woman told me, if you wanted him to ask him to marry you, then you should take his last name. I thought that was interesting and actually sort of a valid point because we also still many of us assume at this point that the man should ask the woman to marry him.

I'll be honest with you, I've probably never said this to you.

Yeah, I don't like I loved you asking me to marry you. And I knew that, like well, I knew that you were kind of a not old school but like a romantic in that way, and I knew you. Yeah, I knew you'd want to ask me, but I didn't need you to ask me. Like if we'd I so would have married you if it was I'm not sure I ever would have asked you because I think you wouldn't have liked that or something.

Right, But well, then how would we have ever gotten married.

Well, that's part of the problem. Somebody's got to do it. I don't know.

We could have discussed it one day. I don't know that like, but I loved you asking to marry me.

And here's the thing. I want to make it clear.

I don't have hate for people taking somebody's last name. My point here is why is it not more of a discussion. Why is it not more of a consideration instead of just me getting this email with the assumption that I, Lauren am thinking about changing my last thing.

I definitely did not get that email.

You didn't get that email.

I did not get that email from the not or anybody else.

And if you're being honest, let me ask you. Did you at any point think maybe I'll take Lauren's last name.

Well, we've joked about it because I think zemails.

People have asked me, are you taking Chris's last name?

Anybody legitimately has asked me, would you take Lauren's last name?

It's not a point of discussion for straight men. In straight relationships.

I think, you know, so I know people listen to these podcasts out of order at times. But earlier in the week, I had a sit down with Madison Prewitt Trout. Madison Prewitt, of course, was on The Bachelor, on Peter season The Bachelor, and she just got married to this guy, Grant Trout, and she took his name, and we started the podcast out by talking about that, and for her it was kind of interesting. She wasn't that strongly opinionated about it, like, oh my gosh, you have to do this.

I got several messages from people saying it's rooted in the Bible.

That's why it's important.

To do well.

You can find that, yes, you can about honoring your spouse and becoming one. And that's what Maddie and I talked about it. It's becoming one apart from your family, you're now a unit with this person. And so I get the biblical sense. I'm a faith driven person and so I understand that part. And so I think you hit the nail on the head though. Something very important we and I'll just speak for myself. I am not

It's just.

What about the opposite and those that don't. Is that a bad thing? Is that really an abomination?

Oh? You're asking if it's a bad thing to not for nobody to change their name.

Yeah, for some time.

And that's the thing.

It's like, I get if you want to change your name and it's something that's you, you know. For Maddie, it's her first marriage. It's something she's been thinking about, and that's awesome. I love that. I love that for you. I'm not saying we're broken. I'm not saying that. You know, we're beaten and bruised. But Laura and I have done this before. We have been down this path. We've been married. My first wife changed her name. She got remarried and

And she probably did that in part business.

Oh okay, it was because she's a real estate agent, and so she wanted to keep that because the signs and all that. And Maddie even said, which was interesting, I.

Assumed with your exit. It was also maybe keeping the same last name as her kids at that point. I heard that from some people and I get that too, I mean, especially so you get divorced, You're like, well, I didn't want to confuse people not have the same last name as my kids.

I get out of business stuff, you know, in this day and age of social media. Maddie was like, well, I kept Maddie Prue on my Instagram because that's how people know me, and she has millions.

Wait, is there really a question?

Is it in the Bible that it's an abomination if you don't take the person's last name forgive my religious wise well text ignorance.

Well, and I don't want to kick over in an hill that we don't need to kick over. But with many things in the Bible, it's really left up to interpretation. Many things in the Bible are lessons, parables, what have you. And then you have to figure out how you're going to apply those to your life and to modern life, by the way, and to modern life, because you know we can.

I mean again, listen, and this is I love people having faith. I think spirituality is such an important part of life, whatever your faith may be. So this is no shade or anything. It's just that, you know, I also think about, Okay, we're living in modern times when I think a lot of people want, for example, their son to marry a woman who's like very well educated and has a career of her own. So that's very

Right, I think that the devotion and the word and a lot of that stuff has remained the same. And I think you know, many people listening who are of faith, no matter what that faith is, would say, the crazier things get, the more we need to lean back into that, into those traditions and stuff. So I understand both sides. I really do. If it means something to you, then

And I said that on Instagram too. I said, look, ultimately, do whatever's happy for the whatever makes the two of you happy. But I am an advocate for and I do think again, it should be a discussion. I don't think it should be an assumption that a woman is going to take her husband's last name. And another thing I said on Instagram this really, I won't back off on this. This drives me nuts. And I've seen it

For the first time ever as announce.

As a married couple, mister and missus Chris Harrison. And the woman has no name at all. It's not even I've seen this, I've been at weddings. It's not even mister and missus Harrison or mister and missus Chris and Lauren Harrison. It's just mister and missus Chris Harrison.

The woman has lost her identity all the time.

Suddenly, and I think it's meaningful. I don't think it's a small thing. It suddenly we've completed this ceremony, she's married, and she's disappeared into him.

Her existence is through him.

Now, that's what that says to me, And it bothers me, because yeah, I can't whatever the Bible might say, I can't get. And I'm not saying the two are related in any marriage, no matter what, no matter what faith, no matter what. A marriage is a partnership. To me, these are two human beings in a partnership. And that's I don't like what that communicates that it's all his name.

Now. Well, like that woman said to you in the message she sent you about protection, and if you know, if you're seeking protection, if you're seeking to honor whatever, you should take his name. And I think you can do all those things without changing the name on your checkbook.

By Oh you know what, that's funny.

A lot of people messaged me and said, I've been married thirty years. I never changed my name because logistically it was too annoying. I got several messages like that, like a woman who said, I just never changed it. It's passports and social Security cards and driver's licenses.

And all that streaming services and well, and then a lot.

Of people messaged me and said that they'd changed I actually got some messages about husbands changing their last names because the wife's last name, Like this was a point I made. Also, why isn't it a discussion purely for logistical reasons? Like one, if somebody has a business, like say you and a woman get married and that woman has like an incredibly successful business.

I don't know.

Zema's flooring if I was in the flooring business, and you know, I really need to keep it for that reason. Maybe you even change your name because maybe you're going to come in on.

The business with me.

Why aren't you discussing it from is does the guy have a really long last name? And maybe you should take the woman's last name because it's just shorter and easier.

And then so I got.

Some really funny messages from people who said that the man had taken the woman's last name because the man had like an embarrassing name, or the woman's name was embarrassing, so she happily was ready to get married and change her name, like somebody had the last name. But I got a message from someone that they knew someone with the last name Boob Bob, and so that person was you know, yeah, let's change the name.

I'm ready. I get that.

And then I got some interesting dms from people who said that both parties man or woman in a relationship actually because of like family trauma or not being close with their family, had wanted to start a new married chapter and take their spouse's last name.

So that was interesting too.

It really drove home for me this is very If some people might consider it no big deal, but for some people it's very emotional and significant.

Well, I think the most important thing to realize with any of this stuff is it's personal. It's personal to you. Like everybody listening right now has a feeling, a pretty strong feeling about what we're talking about, and you might be thinking to yourself, like we are so off base here, and you're not wrong. Maybe I don't know, but it's it's a very when you get into things like the subjects like this. That's why I love talking about it is when things get personal, it gets very emotional, and

Than us yes, producer Kendall.

Producer Kendall who has Kendall? Am I correct? And you've never been married?

No, so yeah, I.

Just want to make sure something I didn't know about you. But so you've never been married. Have you thought about this? And because you're you're much younger than we are and you are on that path of you're gonna fall in love and have that first marriage.

Hopefully only have you ever thought about whether you would change your name if or when you get married.

Yeah? This has been actually a fight between my boyfriend and I. As you know, he'd been for like almost six years now. We like talk about marriage, but I'm in no rush at all, but I personally don't want to change my last name and he gets really frustrated by that, and he really wants me to have his last name if we were to get married. So I guess we'll see what happens. But also, like our names together hyphenated would not sound good in my opinion, so we shall have to see what happens.

Well, I wonder what his reasonings are.

I was going to say if you asked him, like, why does he get frustrated?

Yeah, I think it's because he feels that it's a unique last name that he is proud of, which I totally get, and my last name's Cohen, which everybody has the last name Cohen. So it's like, why would you want to keep that and not have a unique last name like I'm proud of where it came from.

Doesn't he realized that?

Like, but it sounds like you want to keep your last name because you feel emotionally connected to your last name too, So if you both have the same reasoning, why doesn't he respect your reasoning?

You know, that's a good point to definitely tell him that, But I guess I don't know. We're so young and we try to talk it through, and maybe we're not mature enough yet to get each other's like point of views on it. But I guess just something we're gonna have to figure out.

The fact that you're even having that conversation in the first place is mature and it's smart, and you know, it just made me think of another layer to this that l Z and I are not going to have most likely, and that is kids. So you get married, you're young, and you have kids, you don't change your name. Okay, who what last name are your kids?

Taking m H.

That is a difficult There are just logistics in our society that make this a difficult question.

Yeah, so kinda like, And I don't want to put you on the spot, but I'm sure that's where your mind goes. And so if and when you had kids and you were blessed with that, would they take his last name? Would you want them to have your last name or hyphenate it?

I guess take his like that.

I don't mind.

I just feel like for myself, like I am who I am, and I like the sound of it, and I don't want to change that.

I'll be honest with you, Kendall.

I look, I completely agree with you, and this was a point of issue in my first marriage. And I'm not trying to scare you, but I no, I just it's something where obviously there were many other issues. I just mean I didn't want to take his last name. And by the way, my reasons now are the same

It's my father's last name.

So they're actually, you know, I'm glad that my mom had us kids take my dad's last name because now it really helps me feel connected to my father's no longer here, and so that's really beautiful. Like the name taking thing, I don't want to I don't want to say. I don't think it can't be so beautiful and emotional important. Again,

Then why can't it go both ways?

Well, what's interesting is anybody's argument that says it's so important to me, it's important to me that you do this, you need to consider it. Well if it's just as important, like the what you're talking about is one hundred percent about how important it is to you. Of why you wanted to keep your dad's last name. It's not that you wanted to keep your mom's maide name or whatever like that is what I find important in this. Listening to your significant other, listening to your spouse, why, why

And I think it's always a little bit of a red flag.

Other thanks for the worldwide.

Worldwide, you're international, babe.

I think it's a red flag if the person isn't open to it going the other way, like if I then turn the question around and say, okay, well would you be open to taking my last name? And if it's an immediate no, well that's a red flag to me. If in partnership, why aren't you open to going both ways with it?

And the traditions and again we go back to the church and maybe we'll have to have somebody on and really talk more at length about this.

But well, but what's interesting too.

I got some dms from people about out cultural differences, like you know, we're only thinking about the American version

It's your identity.

Yeah, it's getting on the same page as having those conversations. And these conversations sometimes are so easy, Like the conversation between you and I was so easy. Well, in no way do I feel threatened or lesser than.

As I'm thinking about it. Did we ever have the conversation?

Not really. I mean we've talked about it, for sure, but it was never I just always knew where you stood. I think you always made it very clear where you stood on this, and I never had a problem with it, and so I never needed to have a deeper conversation of why how I mean, it makes sense to me where we are in our life, where we're headed. It just makes sense to me.

If we were getting married when we were twenty three and we were going to have kids, would you have been open to taking my last name?

Interesting?

I don't think you would.

I don't know, probably I don't know. Definitely not. I'm just trying to think now, like twenty three year old me.

No, that's what I mean.

I think you were a little bit of a different person then, less mature, less probably less of a feminist, honestly true, and I mean not at all a feminist. I know you've always had such respect for your mother and your grandmother and their careers.

Just as a twenty three year old male.

Yeah, we're different, more of an idiot and you're much more of a dude.

I think there's a lot of places you can end up without just saying it's my way or the highway. And again I would go back and say, if you're listening to this and you are pounding your fist on the Bible and saying it's written right here, I'm not

And I love hearing from everybody about it.

I mean, I think we're going to on this one. I would love to hear more. I didn't the woman who told me she was disgusted with me. That was a little strong. But I loved the many fun stories about the different name changes, and I loved the emotional stories from people about it.

What would our new last name be if we just forego both of our last names, it would be Lauren and Chris.

Hair Azeema Harry Zeemas. Some people call us that, truly.

Okay, that's the thing some of our friends because they know, you know, you might say the Harrisons or the Johnson's are coming over, so our friends call us the Harry Zemas instead of Harrison, or we've gotten the Zema Sinsons.

Yeah.

The thing is, you couldn't take my last name because Chris Zema is too hard to say Chris Zeema.

It sounds like one word.

I don't love.

It was like when I was dumb enough to put the bee in my name when I first got my social Instagram hands.

Why did you do that?

Because obviously Chris Harrison, pretty rare name, I believe it or not, was taken. This is like and this is like day two of Twitter, whatever the hell it is. And so you know, once your pop committed on that, you kind of just.

Know with it.

I luckily I grabbed Lauren Zema early on. There are a few other Lauren Zemas out there.

There's a few Chris Harrison's.

Also, Lauren Harrison is so long and there's like two uns in there.

It puts me to sleep.

Lauren Harrison, I just want to want I want you to just Okay, we don't want to put the people to sleep, So let's wrap up. Everybody, please dm us your thoughts.

I love, by the way, how passionate people are about this topic, especially as we're getting close to getting married. I kind of love sharing these big marriage milestone moments and seeing how people feel because, you know, if there's one thing, and it's why we do this podcast that people get fired up about, it's love, it's relationships, it's marriage, it stands the.

Test of time.

Well, it's interesting how many topics as we're heading, you know, towards walking down the aisle ourselves. How many topics are swept under the rug that really are a lightning lot of controversy, yet we're not talking about it. You never hear this conversation, and so clearly it's important, because clearly we've struck a nerve, and so I appreciate these conversations that we can have. I love it, and Kendall, I really hope that you can somehow work your way through