This is the most traumatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison Lauren z Eman coming to you as we open up the playbook, LZ, this is a very interesting playbook. We're going to talk about how to move on after you break up. You know what this stems from is you know, I just had a very emotional podcast with Jason Tartik, and I appreciate him coming on. We did a two part series. If you haven't heard it, go
back and listen. Great response from all of you. But one of the interesting things, and Jay and I talked about this, not I don't think we talked about it on the show, but afterwards, it's something I didn't have to deal with as much. They are going to see each other on social media forever, you know, before like when I was you know, from back in my day, you would break up and even your you know, first marriage, you broke up, and you didn't have to relive everything via social media as much.
Well, I mean Facebook started when I was in I was going to my freshman year of college and Facebook.
Had just started. So I've kind of I've done all my dating life on social media. Yeah, but not to the extent. It's that now.
But yeah, you don't really just get to dump somebody and just forget well that's never to see them.
Again, right, that doesn't happen anymore. And what we want to get into today is how do you move on when your ex has moved on? How do you deal when your ex has moved on? And that is I mean I don't think Jason Caitlin are there yet?
Right, there's that first phase. Well, here's the question.
A first question for you, is it almost Is it easier when, like you both haven't moved on yet, when you're both still in the turmoil.
For sure, because you and you're still probably talking a little bit to each other, and you know, even if it's just texting about other things, and so yes, there is comfort in knowing both of you are still a little heartbroken and still kind of ships drifting a sea.
But when your ex has moved on, that can be painful. It's hard for many reasons. You can feel like, oh gosh, it's really over. You can feel a worthlessness because you think, well, I haven't found anyone yet.
It's like a hit to your self esteem.
Yeah, even when you know that person wasn't right for you and you didn't want to get back together and you weren't hoping it's it can be hard just because they got there first.
Oh, it's so annoying when they get there.
No.
I actually.
I think that when you're going through a breakup, you have to take all the painful things, take the pain and spin it into positive. Like for me, when your ex has moved on, you think like you're it's it's painful, but you've got to turn that into Okay, it's really over.
I can move on now.
That was the last nail in the coffin there, I can move forward.
One of the reasons I wanted to bring this topic up with you, and it's a topic that you had deal with a lot and experience camps and all that is mourning and how people mourn differently. And Jason and I talked about this, and I'm not equating it to you know, losing your dad, but losing someone and breaking up. There is a sense of mourning, and people, first of all,
mourn at different speeds and in different ways. Some people bounce right back, some people bury it and kind of bounce back, but you're really not healthy and so it almost like let yourself barn which Jason and Caitlin are kind of doing and I know Jason is for sure allowing yourself to feel that pain and you know, whether it's going through therapy or when he sat with me and he's like, man, I am still feeling this stuff. It's soon like I didn't realize how close to the surface this is.
But you also have to recognize that that's normal. I think it's important to know that there's nothing wrong with you. And I tell people this with when they're going through the loss of someone too, like it's normal and it's it's, for lack of a better word, I mean, I don't want you to be said, but it's good that you're feeling this way. It would be an indicator that something was wrong if you weren't sad about loss. You know, it's human to feel sad about loss, so it's normal.
It's good.
I used to always say the phrase feel it well, but do not dwell. I think you have to feel your emotions and then you have to pick yourself up and move on with breakups. With the loss of my dad, I remember one time crying so hard in my car. I just was in my car and I was like screaming crying and like burst blood vessels in my face. But this is about the loss of my dad, not
a breakup. But then I kind of had a moment where I realize I got to get out of the car, like I got to get out of the car and keep going with my life, because what else am I doing Otherwise I'm literally sitting here in my tears and sitting here in my grief.
And life is to be lived.
So I think, again, take the pain, turn it into positive, feel it well, allow yourself to feel those emotions, but do not dwell. If you sit in that too long, you're only hurting yourself and.
So many other things fester up and you start you start spinning, and it's not You go to a dark place and it's not good.
I also think with breakups, I really try to. It's like putting a different pr spin on something like, let's rebrand your breakup.
Go Gwyneth Paltrow unconscious, uncoupled, conscious, conscious, she reined divorce.
Yes, so let's do that brilliant With just breakups, which is when two people break up. I don't even think of it as like, oh, who broke up with who? I just think of it as it wasn't the right fit. Yeah, And I'm grateful that I know that so that I can move on and find the person who is. And I know I'm saying this and it's difficult to feel it right after a breakup, but I do think you have to view it that way. It's just like you know when a job isn't the right fit, or a
friend's not right for you, or or anything. It's literally the square peg doesn't fit the round hole. We did not fit, we did not work. I'm glad I know so that I can learn from this, take these new lessons and find the person who's right for me.
Right. And that's what Lauren said is true. It's not to say it doesn't suck right away, and the sting is there and it's hard to You're not going to realize these things twelve hours later. You're not going to realize it, maybe even a week later, but you will get there.
If we're getting specific, because this is like, this isn't just how to get past the breakup.
This is the niche playbook of what do you do?
How do you handle it when your ex yeah, has moved on and found someone else. Let's get personal. Your ex wife got married four years ago. Yeah, what was that like for you? Was it emotional at all?
It's it's never not emotional and it's never not weird. It doesn't matter, like and we were very respectful of each other, very good friends. I met him, good guy. I was happy for them. All those feelings were there
and they were very true. But at the same time, it's weird when your your ex who you've been had been with for twenty years is getting remarried, because it's like, it was just weird thoughts of like mostly like most of those people were at my wedding and like, you know, that's that's my former sister in law that you know, it's just and I'm sure I haven't asked her, but I would say one hundred percent she felt the same way when you and I got married, because she knew
the kids, you know, and also we both got married with the kids, so the kids were at her wedding, and obviously the kids, the kids were at a major, major part of our wedding. That's weird. It's weird that your kids are at another wedding for their mom or their dad.
I actually I'm going to I feel like there's probably no better way to describe it. Like you keep saying it's weird, but I don't think they're a better adjective.
Because because it's not negative, and it's not positive like I didn't dwell in it at all. It didn't like I didn't go have a cry or anything. It was a these passing thoughts of like, oh, that's weird. Where are the kids right now? Oh, they're at their mom's wedding. Oh, that's bizarre. And by the way, some of my best college friends were at the wedding, and I was grateful they were there, and you know, they would send me a funny emojis, but it was you know, and then
they were at our wedding too. Yeah, So it's just it isn't weird.
I think there's a pang. I don't know a better word, but yeah.
I remember when I there was someone who I was dating and I saw, of course on Instagram they started dating someone else, and I went there was just a little pang, like not like I didn't have a I wish we were still together, but it was sort of I think it's a pang of oh that's really over.
That chapter is really closed now.
And again it's not a longing, but it's like just you hit an emotional note in your body.
Social media is a big one, though.
I was just going to get into that. Yes, I do think if I was going to give advice to someone. First of all, let's applaud the mute feature on instag You don't have to unfollow. Thank you to whoever invented this at Instagram. If you don't know about it, mute the person as a post of theirs comes up in your feed.
It's weird.
You can't do it from their profile and obviously I'm muted people because I'm telling you how to do it. You can't do it on their grid, but if their post comes up in your feed, you can select and mute, which allow, which means that their posts and their stories won't come up for you anymore. But the person won't be like notified, and you won't have they won't see you unfollowed.
Them or something.
So it's a really it's one of the better things that's come out and a lot of health of a lot of unhealthy things about social media.
And as much as you're gonna want to, don't.
Don't look them up here.
Yeah you know exactly.
Yeah, don't.
Just don't go fishing. Don't it's you know, you'll be sitting there late at night or maybe you've had a couple of cocktails or whatever and your longing and don't, don't. It's the fishing expedition is never going to bear fruit. Just let it go, like out of sight, out of mine. It was much better in the eighties and nineties and you didn't even have to think about it. You just forget the number, forget the pictures, let it go because you're not going to see anything that you're gonna like.
It's not gonna make you feel better. Social media never makes you feel better anyway. But that's another story.
But yeah, we're texting. I mean, don't text your ex. It's over.
It's I know sometimes obviously we have to because of kids, and I'm not talking about and.
Now we're talking about the drunken late night you texted your ex.
This is not good. Find a friend to take your phone.
When you reach out and you're hoping for.
S It's never good.
It's never like And that turned happily ever after when when she drunk texted me after we broke up.
And then we fell in love and got.
Back to get it. It's never the fairy tale.
Look, it's if it's a good idea tonight, it'll be a good idea in the morning. Sleep on it. If you still want to send, you know, write the text, leave it if you want to send it tomorrow morning. But probably you're gonna wake up and go thank god, I was in a weird space last night.
But yeah, I do think if we're talking get it when your ex has moved on to me, just re frame that as something freeing, okay, great, and something hopeful they found someone I will too, you know. And by the way, remember just because they've they're with somebody else doesn't mean it's great. Doesn't mean that person's great. It might suck.
So if you need to just have that little shady.
Sense of remember just because it looks good on Instagram doesn't mean it is in real life.
Right, everybody's putting their best life up there, you know, it's not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I love that.
My takeaway today from you, I've never heard that. Feel it don't dwell.
Feel it well, I've never heard that. I made it up myself. It helps that it rhymes.
That's really that if we're taking anything away from this podcast which I will I learn from you today. Feel it well, don't dwell. That's so good on so many levels because it applies to business, it applies to breakups, it applies to your family when you're dealing with the holidays. Feel it well, don't dwell, and have a good holiday. Thanks Elsie, thanks for the enlightenment, and thank you guys for listening. Always enjoy talking to you, and we will do it again next time because we have a lot
more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.