This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren z E mc coomedy from the home office in Austin, Texas, LZ, what's on your mind today?
I got a.
Little playbook topic for us to get into today. Okay, I'm calling it simply daddy issues.
Oh god, how long is this podcast going to be?
Okay, well, you've already hit the nail on the head.
My friend, here's what I want to talk to you about.
And I think this is going to be an interesting discussion for us to have, like male female relationships wise, what's okay to say?
Basically?
So, I was getting a coffee the other day with a friend. She's a little younger than me, and she was kind of asking my advice because she lost her dad a few years ago, and she was asking my advice about dating. Because when you've lost a parent and you're dating and you're young, especially, people like assume that you still your parents. So the first, you know, one of the early questions on a first date is like, so where does your family live?
Where are your parents?
And you know, I would usually avoid a bout being like, yeah, my mom's in Chicago.
And then they're like, oh, okay, so, but like and where's your dad? And then you're like, so, my dad's dead.
Yes. Uh.
It can get uncomfortable quickly.
You try to the other person says sorry, you try to make them feel better, et cetera. But so she was asking me my advice on how to handle it in the conversation, and she said, I just feel like I'm worried these guys are going to think I have daddy issues and some have even said that to me before, like, oh, daddy issues.
And I said I hate that phrase, and she.
Goes, I do too, And we were just kind of talking about, like, you know, why does it bother us? And then as I started to think about it, I thought, well, but you know, it's unfair of me. I've used the phrase mommy issues before about it, and I just wanted us to get into are these phrases okay to say?
What do they convey?
Now?
I'm rhyming and does anyone not have these issues? What do you think?
First of all, they're okay to say here's what they convey? Oh, look, I think they are okay because they're real.
On both you know, by the way I've changed my own mind about it. Literally, like I was at first in that conversation with her, like, man, I hate that phrase, but I realized, I think I'm just kind of sensitive to it. And then when I found myself using the phrase mommy issues, I thought, oh my gosh, I'm a hypocrite.
Do you know why I think it is?
I think it's because, especially when we're young, and I'm really giving it up to freud.
Here uh huh.
Well, not in a weird way, but like we tend to date some version, we tend to date a version of that parent because and I think it's just because that's the relationship, that's the model we have, that's the relationship we've seen.
For sure. The psychology has a huge part of that.
Like if you love your parent, yeah, I mean I loved my dad. So what do you think you think? Well, I want to find someone who's gonna treat me the way my.
Dad treated me.
He is the strength, he is the voice of reason and education and love.
And then if you've lost your daddy're trying to replace your dad.
I mean, I don't know, Like, I think these are very real and I realize what I really the reason I really.
Wanted to talk about it is because it's like we got to normalize it. We all have issues. Shout out to doctor Phil's new book.
We've got issue issues, and we do and look to a certain degree. You're right, we all do have issues. But as you said, you lost your dad at a young age, but let's say it was a younger age, even like you know when you are five, six, seven, ten years old, you know that impact of losing that figure in your life. Like you said, you will, you will seek that out and that I think that's the truest definition of daddy issues is when a female has never had that male role. Therefore they seek it in others.
And sometimes it can be in a bad way. That will seek out kind of any sort of male support and love, and oftentimes it can find itself in a very toxic way. When we say guys have mommy issues, a lot of times we can be too attacked, we can be too attached.
By the way. I'm actually not saying that about you.
I truly don't think you are, but you're right, that is the stereotype in it. And then the second you said, that's several of like my friend's husbands popped into mine, or guys that have.
Been coddled and taken care of and always pampered and you know, had your bottom wiped for you your whole life. Therefore, you are not a grown funk man who can.
Stereotype is he's too attached to his mommy, has mommy issues.
No one ever cut the umbilical cord, as they like to say, yes, and so you are still attached to the hip and the mom and typically the mom and the interesting thing. And we need to get into this because the daddy issue often has to do with the dad either dying sadly or just not being a part of your life.
The dad could have left with the mom, it's too much apart.
The mom is about being there. Yeah, that's very interesting.
Probably indicates who's doing a lot of the child rearing, you know.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just taking what you're saying because I completely agree. It's kind of like the stereotype of daddy issues mommy issues would be the woman is trying to fill the void and the guy is like too full.
He can't fill the void, can't separate, he can't step up and fill that void himself and become a man and become independent and strong, and that's what women are.
Like, you know, I will say, you know, it's I mean, and look I also I mean, first of all, I'm trying to normalize this because no one has a perfect upbringing, no one has a perfect parents, because people aren't perfect, and people are out there raising people.
We all like, like.
You know, everybody's a go my trauma. Yeah, sure we all do. We all have issues from our parents. We all have stuff we have to work through. We all should keep working on yourself, try to be better, and so it's just normal. We're all gonna have some stuff that we have to deal with, and our parents are the most formative thing in our lives.
They shape who we become.
I always feel like the people I know who are kind of the most damaged people are people who did not feel love.
From their parents. Like I think that's such a like we're all a little bent.
But if you know people who are really broken or people who didn't feel that, and I pity them I deeply because even though I lost my.
Dad, I had love from my dad.
But I also think like a silver lining of these issues is fine finding a way to be strong.
Like I know, I don't know why I don't know if it's because.
Millennial women all grew up idolizing journalists because they were that was the job every woman in every rom calm, we grew up watching hat But I actually know a lot of successful female journalists who lost their dads young, and that's like interesting to me. I sometimes think there's a you know, certainly, if you lose a parent, hopefully you come out like stronger and wanting to do them proud,
and you work really hard through that loss. That would be, like to me, really the best case scenario, so you wouldn't get like broken and stunted by it.
The by the way, do you think you have mommy issues?
Your mom does listen to the podcast, so yes, it's two incredibly strong moms the wonderful.
Something that really stuck out to me. And again, I had you spring this subject on me today.
I did not give them my heads up about this part.
So while I don't have the research in front of me, I have done research on this, and I've read and I've listened to many podcasts about this. It is without a doubt scientifically proven that children are much more successful education wise future relationships being healthy and strong in every which way, if there is a healthy male female presence in the house, two strong parents, you're growing up in a loving family unit. And that may be a mom and a dad, it may be you know, a strong grandparent.
It's just having a significant presence of family and being responsible to others as you are growing up and having that love. It is astronomical the numbers how much they change, of how stronger they are in education and graduating high school, going to college, getting jobs, et cetera. And it all kind of comes back to this right of if we don't have that or if we have it and it's toxic or bad, it does the exact opposite well.
And you know, also a question comes up of like what's toxic?
Like I said, I I want to normalize the phrase a little bit and normalize the idea. Because an ex boyfriend of mine is coming to mind. He had a very stable family upbringing.
He had a.
Great mom, a stay at home mom, dad, like a ton of love in his house. But his parents had this policy that they never fought in front of their kids. Ever, so he did not know how to have an argument. Oh interesting, like he couldn't. He found it paralyzing. He thought like if we ever disagreed, it would like we broke up because like he.
Couldn't disagree his mind.
No one ever fought.
Yeah, now, my parents and I love them. They fought in front of us quite a lot. Two attorneys to strong willed people. I had to do the opposite. And this is definitely why this guy and I didn't work out, amongst other things. But I thought fighting was so normal that like if I didn't have fighting in a relationship. And I had to realize this about myself and I always am still working on it. But I was like, I, fighting doesn't mean love, like I kind of thought fighting
and passion were like, like that meant you cared. And I had to realize, Okay, I don't have to always be in the state of turmoil. Fighting doesn't mean love, and we can discuss without screaming. And I had to unlearn that behavior and when these were like the opposite scenarios. But we both still had to do work on ourselves, me and the sex boyfriend.
You know well, and you and I have had to. I think that's a big part of a relationship and a big part of our marriage, and I think anybody's relationship is learning how to argue, learning words that are okay to be said, words that someone might not like said, having those conversations as you start fighting and you start disagreeing. I know, people it's hard to believe, but Lauren and I sometimes disagree, and you know, we have our arguments and our fights, so to speak. And it's knowing how
the other person. It's being respectful kind of setting ground rules to war. It's the Geneva convention, if you will, and I think it's important. And so the only way you really have those discussions is lines are crossed and realizing that it's okay, you know, like one fight or someone going a little too far. And I'm not talking about abuse in any way. I'm just talking about your garden variety arguments that someone says a little something too strong.
You're like, who whoo hoo oh, I don't like it when that happens, Okay, and you remember that for next time. And you and I had to teach, you know, we had to learn. Sure we have those discussions well, and.
It come when it comes. I'm going back to the parenting thing.
But what's also interesting about like any of this, is that the rhetoric and the education on what's right to do or always evolving.
I mean, think.
About how different like what our parents thought good parent what they thought good parenting was, versus what people say good parenting is now. And the problem is that as like the advice changes and the education changes, only time tells if that's really true.
Like I saw this tweet the other.
Day about I guess there's a book out now called bad Therapy, and it kind of dives into how this person with this person poses And I haven't read the book. I'm just remembering the tweet, but the takeaways seem to be that, like the research they're citing and what they're posing is that by giving a recent generation like too much therapy, we've kind of actually made them mentally weak because they're constantly so focused on like, what are my
mental issues? What are my mental issues? And it's made them weaker and unable to deal with those mental issues, you know. And then I look at like my mama, if I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling, she said, you've had enough airtime, go do your homework.
And maybe I wish you'd listen to my feelings a little more.
And maybe that's why I got into speaking for a living because I wanted my airtime. I mean, I can draw all the lines. So do I have mommy issues?
Yes?
I love that she used airtime.
Airtime.
This is long before you were ever on the air. She knew that phrase. It's indiculous, had enough airtime.
It's right there. All the tree of trauma is right there with all its brands.
That what made you seek out this endeavor in this business.
I have a microphone in my hands talking about what.
Damny freud. So our takeaway is these phrases daddy issues, mommy issues. They can be overused, but they can be used, and I think they can be very accurate in what they can describe.
I think we both have daddy issues and mommy issues.
Of course, and by the way, everybody does. As much as I would like to think that I have been the perfect parent and I have raised my children perfectly.
God, the sequel to this will be the kids come on ice thank you too soon.
I think there have been one or two mistakes made and things that we'll.
Let them bring up a little more and really be able to articulate what those issues.
I will let them go to therapy and figure this out. But yes, none of us are perfect, as much as we would like. At the end of the day, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. And I think to my generation of so many latchkey kids who parents never came to any practices and parents were never involved in anything, and maybe they made it to our graduation, that was about it. We came home
alone and YadA YadA to the helicopter parenting generation. And all that does is create different adults that will give different things into this world. Are any of them all the way right? No? Are any of them all the way wrong? No? Not either, But none of us are perfect.
I saw this another great phrase the other day. I think on Instagram someone said, have empathy for your parents. It's their first time too, and I thought, God, that's so simple but so poignant that you're you know, my mom's in her sixties right now. She's never been in her sixties before, She's never parented thirty something year old kids before. Like, everybody is doing it all for the first time. And if someone is doing their best, then
just love them and know they're trying. And again, don't put that like pressure of perfection on yourself, because what's deemed perfect and great, and what a parent you are today could be looked at totally differently tomorrow, in a month and a couple of years.
I promise you it will be yes.
So I'm taking the negative connotation away from the phrase, I'm owning it. I have daddy issues and I have mommy issues too, but I love dad and mom both.
We have a lot of issues, which is great because that means we have a lot more to talk about. We'll see again next time. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever, and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.