This is the most dramatic podcast ever. And iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema, I am hot told on turning my mic downs.
Yeast are hot?
Is that how we start this?
Sure?
Okay, take a compliment.
Man, He meant hot like the audio was high, which is an industry term.
He needed to adjust his volume.
So with that, Chris Harrison, Laurn Zema, We're coming to you from the home office in Austin, Texas. LZ. What are we talking about today?
I wanted to get into something that has been popping up all over my screens as a Real Housewives watcher with you, which you kind of also are. Now I've gotten you into Salt Lake City in New York.
Not kind of definitely No, I'm in And.
This is coming up on both franchises where they often get into couples chatter how long is too long to not have sex with your partner?
What has prompted this?
On Real Housewives of New York it has been a multi episode arc. There's a couple, Pavit and Jessel. Povit the husband, Jessel the wife. They have not had sex. Now, she did have twin babies, but they've not had sex since she had her twin babies, and maybe even for a while, not when she was pregnant. So basically she's telling all the women her and her husband haven't had sex in like a year and a half to two years.
Let's let that sink in a year and a half or maybe even two years in a marriage, Okay, no sex. And she said nothing else really either, like no oral moments.
Nothing playing around. So I was going to immediately say, you have to break this down into two categories. There is how long has it been since you've had sex? Have you just had children? Have you not had children? Because to me, first of all, those are very different answers for very different reasons. Is there on the show have they talked about who or why they're not having sex?
She they definitely say the kids were like kind of obviously what spurred this, Like she gave birth and obviously physically you can't for a minute, and it seems like from there it just kind of got away from them. And she says now like they just aren't into it, they're just not She says she doesn't feel comfortable and all of her friends are kind of telling her, like, you just got to do it.
You just need to like break the seal.
It's I find this very interesting because I obviously I've had kids, I've talked to many parents, and obviously the job I have people come up and talk to me about this kind of stuff. Once people have had kids. There's there's a couple of different reasons that spurs this. On number one, like you said, physically, there's reasons that medically you're just not having sex right at the beginning. Then after that there's an anxiety, sometimes from the woman,
sometimes from the man. Things have changed, things have shifted, things are mentally and emotionally different. So this is something that a lot of people deal with. I'm glad we're actually talking about this because I think there's a lot of people out there that have dealt with this or feel this. You're not alone.
I've also heard from friends of mine that their husbands were too afraid to have sex with them while they were pregnant. The women wanted to have sex, and the husbands were like, I'm way too scared, I'm going.
To hurt the baby.
I'm sure doctors tell you that's not a real concern.
At the risk of way too much TM I that I didn't have a problem.
With okay, so you were fined all right.
So, and in fact, the doctors will say that is if you are ready to give birth, if you're a little bit passed.
To a way. And I remember this episode of Friends, Rachel's trying to get Ross to have sex with her so she can have the baby.
A lot of times that will spur.
If you have just had a baby.
If you are having a medical issue, your partner should support you and sex should not become an issue when there's medical and physical concerns at play. Now, it does seem to me in this case it's gotten away from them. Yeah, the kids are almost two, and a lot of the women on the show are saying like they're saying what I would say, that physical intimacy is a very important part of a relationship. And I don't think there's a
better solution then you just got to do it. Like sometimes I know, even for you or I, you and I and look, we don't always talk about our sex life, but there are times when, like if we've been traveling or we've gotten really busy, I'll say to you, like we need to connect lesson and sometimes life just gets away from you and you just need to make the time to make sure you physically reconnect. And it amazes
me how that physical connection will spur intimate connection. I think a lot of the time, you know, especially for women, and I understand this, you need emotional intimacy to have physical intimacy. But sometimes almost just pushing through awkwardness and forcing and saying let's get physically intimate brings emotional connection back.
Well, I think you just you said something really early on in this episode that I think is very interesting. It got away from them. It's gotten away from them, and I think, and I don't know these people, but at some point somebody needs to stop and start communicating. Somebody needs to have that speech or that comment that you just had. Babe, this has gotten away from us. I miss that intimacy. We need to connect again and go have a romantic night, knowing that it's going to
end up in sex. It's going to go there, and like you said, you're going to be you're both going to be overthinking it now because it's been so long, but you need to push through this. And and again I'm not saying, you know, this is the best circumstance that we're talking about I'm not saying anyone should push through something they're not comfortable with, but in this case,
you're both going to be overthinking the situation. Especially I would say the woman, you've got to be there for her, and you've got to get through this moment you have to Two years is way too long.
Well, that's what I was going to ask you, is is there ever a situation where a relationship can be sexless for that long and still be healthy?
What do you think?
No?
No, I don't think so either. I have a friend who I thought.
You were going to say six or eight months, and I'm like, okay.
You know what, when's the line? What's the thirst?
Well again again? When when the woman feels fully healthy and happy and you can go there again? And you know again, things childbirth is very different for every person, and so things with your body can be very different. So we're trying to paint with a very broad brush. I understand there are definitely there's a spectrum here we're dealing with. But let's just say all things are normal and everybody's back to working shape in that you know,
you get to that year mark. Okay, is that it? No? No, I'm just saying when you get to that year mark, you need to start asking questions.
No, I mean, I think that's longer than I would have thought I.
Would too, But that's where you really started got you got to start having that conversation.
I think you have to have it before that.
When would everybody start to be like, something's going on here, like if it was you or I or if you think about your guy friends, maybe you want you need to ask them for advice. When would you start saying how many weeks or months would it be before you when you'd go.
I'm concerned.
So here's what I find interesting that if we were going down this road, I would have started having this conversation already at six months, seven months, eight months, as you're going through your checkups and stuff like that, you know, even playfully just hey, when you know, when can we be together again? Or when can we or is it
okay if I just do this or do this? And so the sexuality and the romance, I would have already been having that conversation like just not talking about it, letting this get so far down the road.
That's what is a little I agree.
And I had a friend who not long ago hadn't had sex with her husband in about a year and she told me they hadn't talked about it, and that kind of blew my mind. I'm like, well, that's more than a physical issue. You have a communication issue there, because how have you not talked about it? At least be talking through it, be trying to figure out what the issues are. Even if you haven't been able to get to that place of having sex again yet, you need to have an open line of communication.
Now we are giving.
The context here of being new parents for this couple from this show. What if it's just like my friend, Yeah, what if it's just sex hasn't happened? Then, as a straight male, when does it start to become a thing for you? Because I'll tell you, as a woman, I would say, we don't have kids. If for us it had been I'm going to say three weeks, I'd be like, m.
I don't think that's unreasonable, that's not crazy. And again, you're talking about a couple that's already been intimate, You've already had sex, you have a decent sex life, and then all of a sudden you just don't what causes that dry spell? And again I'm glad we're talking about this, because this is something couples go through, and I think things just start again using that phrase getting away from people, and then everyone just stops talking about it, and you don't communicate.
And I think the longer people are together, the harder and the easierness for things to get away from you, and the less you prioritize that communication.
Uork travel things, and then all of a sudden you just don't, and then you haven't, and then no one stops and just says, hey, I need that or I want that, like let's connect again.
Okay for your I'm going back to this, huh. I'm just curious. I'm picking your brain. Yeah, four guys. Generally, what do you think that that number would be like if you and your guy friends are talking about it.
Would it be less it'd be like a week?
No, I think weeks. You know again, all my friends are married, they all have kids, and so I think they just I get it when they're traveling and driving kids around and da da da da dah. You get done with dinner and everyone's exhausted and you're.
On different like drove baseball practice.
I get that a week can get away from you quickly. When you have kids, and when you're any and let's just take kids away. When you're just married and you're working and you're just exhausted. I get that, But when several weeks go by, whether I think most guys will be like, okay, I I would like that again. But definitely, I think there's there's a conversation that needs to be had, like it's not healthy, you need to connect more.
There's another couple on Real House Sizes of Salt Lake City who is dealing a bit with this we're not having sex issue. And one thing the guy said Justin to Whitney, which makes you think of from Justin to to Kelly the movie Sorry American Idol reference. He says to her, well, I don't want to always be the one initiating sex, and she says, well, I don't feel connected to you right now, so I don't feel like initiating sex. And the result is it seems they're not
really having that much sex. I totally hear him and her. I think it's important for both people to initiate. I think making your partner feel wanted and you feeling wanted, that's very important to me. It's it's kind of the element of continuing to date your partner can continuing to make them feel desired, and you also want to be desired, because I think when we don't feel desired and pursued, that's when we start to look outside of our relationships.
Well, I guess you know, even if you know your significant other says I don't feel like having sex or I'm not I'm not up for tonight or whatever, if you know, if you could still express that, say I love you, I find you attractive, I want to I owe you one, or let's know, I owe you, yeah, like, hey, let's you know this weekend or or you know, like put put it on the put it on the calendar,
like and again I get it. Life gets crazy, and you know, when you're working five jobs and you're mired in debt and all that, yeah, you don't feel so sexy. So if you can even plan it out and I know that doesn't seem that romantic, but if your significant other show's interest that they want that and you're just not there mentally and emotionally, if you just say, hey, look like let's connect this weekend, well.
That's so interesting you say that because I've heard people say before like I want spontaneity, and scheduling isn't sexy. But I was thinking about it the other day because as we head into getting married, someone gave me the advice treat every date like it's the first date, and I was thinking about scheduling. Before you get into a long term relationship, everything is scheduled. I feel like I have a date next Friday, right we are we have you know, I'm meeting this person for coffee. So I
don't know why we change our opinion. In the beginnings of relationships, when sexiness is probably at an all time high and sparks are flying, we are scheduled so.
Much so that even when you really start kind of going out and get serious, you start talking about staying over at someone's house. You and I used to have this conversation should we stay because you were living in kind of in the city. I was out in the suburbs. Like, hey, babe, after you know, after the date tonight, how about I just crashing your place.
Or so you're you're scheduling.
That's scheduling. Yeah, that's scheduling. And by the way, you know what's fun and sexy anticipation, Yes, talk about it.
I read the other day a study that people are happier when they have something to look forward to.
Yeah, so let's look forward to.
Let me tell you something. If you tell me that I'm going to be looking forward to that tonight or tomorrow, what am I thinking about constantly? So it is sexy and you can have fun with it and shoot a text, leave a note I'm looking forward to tonight or I'm looking forward to this weekend. There are ways to connect even in your exhaustion, and it does take a little effort.
And I know at times i've again, I get it, you don't feel like it take that extra measure to leave that note, to make that to make that noticed.
Now I have to ask the big question that the women are debating on Real Housewives of New.
York about this couple.
Yeah, I know what's coming.
They have not had sex in a year and a half. Right, some added context, He has been the husband has been taking trips to Vietnam, multiple trips to Vietnam, and he goes for a day and then comes back. He says it's to accrue airline miles. But all the other women, all the other cast members on the show are very suspicious of this. And are posing the question is he cheating? And are asking any situation where you haven't had sex in a year and a half will cheating happen? Is
that almost a guarantee? And when there's no sex on the horizon, will there be cheating? And would that be justified if your partner wouldn't have sex with you for a year and a half.
I don't know this dude, so I'm not going to back the bus over him because I know nothing about him. But if you just came to me with this random story that this person has not had sex in almost two years and they take random, not business trips, random solo trips to Vietnam?
Is the airline mile akruage not enough of a justification team.
Why isn't he flying to Europe? Why isn't he going to Canada? Why isn't he going to Poughkeepsie? Why is he going to Vietnam?
It's a confusing thing.
He says something about how he had bought a ticket to Vietnam before COVID.
Yeah, now he's got it.
I feel like I want to call that guy, the points guy who tells you about your list.
I know that raised. Yeah, I get the red flags, and I get the radar going up, especially for these women to be like, hey girl, because I do think it's fair not to assume, but to think about if it's been a year and a half and he's not getting it from you, or vice versa, she's not getting it from you, you're probably gonna seek it at some point elsewhere. You're gonna seek that connection because it's needed, it's wanted, and you know he's not dead, she's not dead.
And by the way, I'm shocked she's not seeking it elsewhere at this point.
I'm gonna say straight up and again, I hope this isn't true for these two's marriage, but I think if you haven't, if you've been trying to have sex with your partner and you haven't had sex and he year and a half, I wouldn't even blame you for cheating at that point.
I don't know why they're your partner. They're not. They're not your partner. That's your roommate, right.
We all need physical affection.
Yeah, there's that study that says you need eight hugs a day, you need to have sex in a year and a half of your life.
Like, guess that's that's not love.
That's not romance, that's not intimate connection. And you know, I mean, on the one hand, whatever works for them. But on the other hand, I'm just saying, if you just took these facts a year and a half of no sex in any relationship, I wouldn't I wouldn't blame a person if I found out they were cheating.
Sex is a funny thing. It's the connection, the physical activity, because it really does run the gamut. And we all have friends. There is the you know, sexually active couple that's like maybe every day, every other whatever, however many times a week. And then your friends that hear that say, oh my god, what we don't even do it once a week, We do it every other week or whatever
because we're so busy or we just don't. And then there's the guy that talks about the wife that just well, I don't know, it's on major holidays or big events like birthdays or anniversaries, and that's about it. So there really is this massive spectrum in the intimacy department when it comes to couples. I think it's a fascinating topic because there are so many different opinions and there's so many different lifestyles.
But the advice I will give is, if you're not having sex for a year.
And a half, yeah there's a problem.
I think you have a I think you should be suspicious. I would be. It's a red flag to me, straight up.
So especially if it's been a year and a half and he's not knocking down the door or vice versa, you're not either. And by the way, if it's been a year and a half and you're content and you're like, I don't really care, then there's a problem with your relationship. You're missing a huge key component to that relationship. This person essentially is just a really good friend of yours.
Let me blow your mind.
This couple has said that they started off as friends and actually even as platonic roommates before then becoming.
Okay, well you know what. That makes sense though.
Maybe they're back in roommates in roommate mode.
Then they've fallen back into something that's very comfortable for them, which is their original recipe. They're great roommates, they're good friends. They know how to cohabitate together and get along together. That's very interesting that that door has been opened and now they've just gone back to what's comfortable. They're gonna have to shake that tree. They're gonna have to shake it up to get back to where they want to be.
If that's where they want to be. It sounds like maybe they're fine with this, and maybe there's an arrangement. There's also a lot of arrangements out there that people don't know about.
Oh gosh, I feel like I'm we we should bring on some people in situations like this. They can even remain anonymous. I'm so fascinated to learn about. Like, you know, we all grow up with this idea of what a relationship is supposed to be, but there are a lot of subtleties and a lot of things going on behind closed doors. And you know what, it's also a good lesson and we get the advice a lot of start out as friends, but make sure you don't go back to being friends.
Yeah, I say, I mean start out with friends as friends, which you and I did, but passionate, we always had the chemistry. That it factor was always there.
Clearly started at his friends.
No, it was you. No, I would say that we were friendly. Well that first date, I think we we conversed very well. The second day we so.
For one date. We were friends.
We've always we've always been able to talk no matter what, We've always been able to talk and connect in that level. But I agree that you know there are and we can bring people on anonymously because there's a lot of just arrangements out there where people just want to be married or want to have that significant other and maybe it's just a travel, maybe it's whatever, and you can go do your thing and I'll do mine.
Well. If you all have an arrangement, an arrangement that works for you, please send a message to at the most dramatic pod ever.
You will remain.
Anonymous if you ask to do so, we promise, and also please dms and let us know what you think I might be thinking about this wrong. I might get a lot of dms about the fact that I just said a year and a half with no sex gives you justification a cheat, but I stand by it and also wishing all the best to this couple. I hope we see them break the seal on this season of your size of New York City.
The cameras will be rolling, and I think the takeaway for me as always the communication if you are not getting what you need in your relationship. Speak up. If it's sex, if it's intimacy, speak up, and again, don't be so angry about it that you know it's the way you approach it. And again, don't be afraid to schedule it out, plan it out. It's fine. It can be sexy, and it can be fun. We wish you the best, and we wish you all amazing intimacy and sex in your life.
Ooh, what an.
Ending, but we do appreciate it. We love opening up the playbook, We love talking to you each and every time, and we'll do it again next time because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever, and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.