This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from Austin, Texas. Opening up the playbook once again, LZ, what are we talking about?
Okay, big topic today, something I think you and I have had a lot of experience with as a couple. Do you have to do everything together?
Yes, that's the end of this playbook. We are inseparable. I'll talk to you next time.
Well, I think this is an important playbook situation in a relationship. How do you play it? It kind of popped up into my mind because on the new season of Real Housewives of New York there was a husband in kind of an extreme situation. He was going on these solo trips to Vietnam for like a day each time. It raised some questions from the other women on the show. They were a little suspicious, why is he doing this?
He said it was to a crew airline miles and he also said, which might have come across a little mean. He said it was to get away from his wife and kids. He said he would take a first class trip to Vietnam just to literally get some alone time on a plane, to get served great food. He'd kind of spend one night in Vietnam and then come back. Now his wife said she didn't care. She said, I let him be who he is and do what he wants.
It's fine by me and you guys, this is not your business, and he's doing it to a crew his miles and get a little alone time. I will admit that I fell in the camp of being a little skeptical. It's a little odd to go to Vietnam for one night alone. But hey, I don't know what it's like to have twin two year olds as this couple does. But I did think no matter what his reasoning was. On the one hand, it felt a little hurtful for him to say, I'm trying to get away from my
wife and kids. On the other hand, I do think alone time is important. So the question is do you have to do everything together? Should you be together all the time? What's healthiest for a relationship?
First of all, I call complete bullshit on that guy.
Yikes, he's in the hot seat.
Okay, you know what blew it for me? Getting served a great meal like on the airplane. In the last forty five years, when was the last time you had a really good meal on an airplane. Elz and I were just on a plane two days ago, and we were in the back of the plane, and you know, you could see through the secret sheer curtain in.
The first class, first class cabin.
And by the way, the people in first class, you're no longer in first class either. The dude was handing out a cardboard box, literally handing out a box of food. So I and I know, when you travel abroad it gets a little bit better, but it ain't.
It's not what I used to you.
You're not You're not sitting back having a great meal. Now. I've been to Vietnam. We shot the show there. I love Vietnam, and I agree. The food was so good. I loved it.
He says he wants to go to get a bond me sandwich.
Oh God, okay. So I do think it is very vital. It is very important. And I think this comes with age and wisdom. I think when I was younger, and I think younger couples tend to think we need to do everything together. We are together, We're bonded. We're gonna travel together. When you ongo on golf trips, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna walk with you at Pebble Beach, and look, I think that's fine sometimes and I see
couple doing that a lot. But you, and this is one of the many things I love about you are very good about babe. Your stuff does not need to be mine. My stuff does not need to be yours. I love things that you're not gonna love, and vice versa. I'm not gonna do everything with you, and it's important that we keep those things that we love, our passions, our hobbies and whatever that may be for us. It's golfing and you know, I'll go biking or whatever. You don't need to do that.
I don't, but I do think we should note and be honest and open here. We did have a little bit of a bump in the road with that. I think we had a miscommunication on like, on the one hand, you've always applauded me and said that you love that I'm independent, I do what I like to do, and that I support you doing what you like to do, and then I'm not needy. But on the other hand, I do think we had to find that middle ground
more so than I realized. You or maybe a little hurt sometimes by my level of independence, Like I think that when I because I'd be like, I'm going on a girl's trip and I basically wouldn't call you for five days. And I do think that maybe hurt or I don't know, hurt, it's not the right word.
I I wanted to know what that independence meant, what you were getting from it, what you needed, and then also being able to communicate and.
Know well and you know what independence isn't the right word. And maybe this is the important clarity point. I think you took it as I'm so no independent, I don't need you. But it wasn't about independence. It's about being present when I'm on my trips with my girlfriends, which I do once a year with my sorority sisters. We all live all over the country. I get one weekend
with them a year. I want to be so present in that moment and I want And if you think about it, this is something new couples deal with, very new really in the grand scheme. Because of the age of cell phones years not that long ago, you couldn't necessarily call somebody or takes them all day.
Long distance from Vietnam was a big deal.
Right when you're on a trip with friends. Now, you could be texting all day long if you want it to, but I don't think you should be present in the moment.
It's really hard. You got to make an effort to be present and put down your phone. Yeah.
Actually, we have to make the effort to not be connected all the time.
I mean I did that last week. I mean I was in one of my favorite places in the world, which you encouraged. I went to Pebble Beach for a big charity event with Tiger Woods and the tgr Foundation. And you know that that foundation and Tiger and the people, the women behind him that run the foundation mean a lot to me. And so I kind of, at least during the day would disconnect and enjoy Pebble Beach and I'd go play golf and do the things, and then
you know, you can connect later. But I think it's important to try to disconnect on some of these things.
Yeah, So we're advocates for trying not to do everything together.
I think it's I think it's vital, and it makes me miss you. I love coming home. I like getting excited about coming home, and I like I get excited about missing you, And it's good to have again. It builds stories. You come home, you have things to talk about. It feeds you in a lot of ways.
Now, I will say there's a case by case of like we, for example, are together a lot. We work together, we have our production company together, we do this podcast together, we are working on things together. So I think that time away is good for us. Some people their spouse work separately, is traveling a lot for work, so they really need to make sure they're having that together time, you know. I just think it's about balance and communication, like I have.
Some couples need the opposite. Yeah, like we need time together.
We have friends who a guy we know, he travels abroad for work. He's runs a company, and he can be away for weeks at a time. And that's really hard when you when we were together and you were filming the show and you were gone for weeks at a time, especially in the pandemic when you had to quarantine for the show. I think at one point I didn't see you for.
Two months, Yeah, month and a half for sure, at yeah, ten twelve weeks, and.
That became that was a challenge because then we've been apart for so long. It almost was hurting too. Have you tell me about your day, because it was just a reminder that we were apart.
Yeah, that sucks, that really sucked.
Yeah, that was hard.
I didn't like that at all. Lakinta was was brutal.
Well, it was you know, you're away, you were away from everybody you love.
That was a So I had to be away from the kids, I had to be away from you.
But I do think that and maybe that's the good point that there's a time limit on the time apart. Yes, like when you're going on a three day trip, when I'm going away for a weekend, disconnect. I'll figure out my own stuff. I'll make my own plans. I love you, have a great time and be present if you're gone for a week, you know, I'd like for you to call me once a night and yeah and hear about your day.
For sure, there is the flip side to it, because I have friends. I've had friends who abuse that time and would go on golf trip after golf trip after golf trip, and guys trip, whatever it is, and they were gone all the time and their significant other was not their home, taking care of the kids, their home, you know, making sure the house runs.
Hard when someone's away having fun and the other person's at home handling everything.
Just remember what's good for the goose, good for the gander, and is needed for the gander. So the fact that I think you and I share in our getting away and usually we try to do it at the same time. If you tell me, hey, I'm gonna go see my sister, I'm gonna go go see my mom, I'm like, okay, I'll jump out and go see my boys or something.
Yeah, it definitely helps to be like I don't think it's good when someone's at home and yeah, I mean I know couples were there the one person will say, well, he's off and I have nothing to do while he was away. While he's away, and I tell that person figure out something to do. Like I never think when you leave, oh, I'm going to be home alone. I plan. If I don't plan a trip to go see someone else, I plan dinners with friends. I you know, figure out stuff I'm going to do. I will go work out
a ton. So you have to stay busy, and.
I know and look and staying busy for people with three or four kids, I know you don't have a choice in your home and you're you know, I was a single dad for ten years, and so I get it. You wake up, make lunches, and then you're an uber driver until nine thirty at night, and it's exhausting. And then you know when your significant other comes home and they're and they're like telling you how tired they are because they you know, we're biking or golfing. Yeah, it's
not a great look. It's tough read the room and yeah, look, there's a timeframe when I know that's difficult when you have the kids and you have to be cognizant of that. There's a point in time when it's just difficult to take these trips and there's there's going to be less of them.
Yeah, you've always been a really good advocate about that. You have straight up called out some of our couple friends, like your guy friends, and said, like, dude, your kids are young. You can't go on every golf trip right now. You have to You might have to have a couple of years where that takes a back seat, and then when the kids get older and more independent, then you can do all those trips.
You know, where I am in my life, I get to say yes to a lot of stuff I didn't say yes to ten years ago.
But I will say, in defense of going back to our friend who takes the solo trips to Vietnam, weird, But I hear him on he needs a little bit of alone time. Yeah, I think I can't imagine how heart it is. I've never had young kids, but I do just hear from friends of ours, and I don't thing people advocate enough for like, look, when you have young kids, you're trying to make time for the kids. Then you got to make sure you try to make
time for each other. But what about a little time for you, like a little time for your own mental piece. I hear him a little bit on it.
I wonder if he ever says, Babe, I'm staying you go take your girls, You'll go to a spot.
You think that would be a healthy thing as someone who had young kids, is it a healthy thing if you trade off? Like would you advise couples to say, hey, tell your wife, tell your partner, you take the kids for a night and the next week I'll do the same for.
Sure, for sure, And what I noticed just in my own household was you can see your significant other coming to the end of their rope. Kids jobs are to push you to the end of your rope. That's their job is to drive you crazy. They wake up and their job is to push boundaries, and your job is to set those boundaries. And it's exhausting. So when you see your significant other being, you know, the fuse is
a little short, the tempers a little short. They're just a little afraid, you know, stop the music and say, hey, get away, even if it's just tonight, if it's for one night, or even if it's just for a few hours, just get out of here.
The happiest couples I've seen, and it makes me feel really like good about who my friends are with. I have one a couple that you and I love, friends of ours, Lindsay and John. And you pointed out to me that when we go over to their house, I'm my god, John's such a great husband, such a great dad. And you said, that's because he does things without having to be asked. That's the difference. She's not making him
a list. John's just doing things. And I've noticed as her friend that when I come there, John makes sure we have time together. They have a beautiful baby girl, and John says, hey, I've got Julia, you guys going to walk together, and.
He's still making margarita's.
And he makes the best margarita's.
Now. He's a pro. He's proactive. Love that seeing that in a parent.
And he makes sure she has time and I know that you know she does the same for him. They're very good about that. And I think during a time when they're both working and they have a young kid a difficult time, that's really helping them. And because it says to you that your spouse cares about you, it's not even just about the time. It's about the fact that you know your spouse cares to give you the time.
And then there's no resentment, and then you know.
That there's effort. It's you don't have as much resentment when you know the person's trying. I want to really quick before we end get to because this topic can be a little all encompassing. The topic is the playbook is do you have to do everything together? We've gotten into vacation and trips, but let's also get into do you have to like do each other's activities day and day out? Do you have to do everything together?
For us?
I think the answer has been no, based on the simple fact that I've never learned to play golf. But I will say, you know, part of this was spurred by Real Housewives. It's made me happy lately that you've tried watching Real Housewives.
With me, and I love it, and I think.
But this is five years You've just started this.
And you, as much as we joke about sports, you will go to a sporting event. You'll sit down, Like if I'm watching the Cowboy game, you'll swing by and stick your head in and be like, Hey, what's going on?
What's the score of that game?
I think the key is it's the investment. You invest in things I care about. I want to invest in things you care about. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop and devote hours to Real Housewives or whatever it is that you're doing, you know, going to home goods or whatever, but I will encourage it, and if I happen to be with you, I'll go with you. Like it's fine. I'm not going to go every time, but the investment and carrying and what someone else cares about is important.
Yes, I think it's twofold one do you care? And two do you try? The do you care? Is I might not go plague golf with you, but I will ask you what you shot, and I will ask you if you had a good day, and we'll ask you played with and if you had fun? And two do you try I have ridden in the cart with you. I will do it again. I'm not going to do it all the time. But and then you know on the other side, like have you just tried those things? Period? I think it can be as simple as if your
partner has a favorite movie. It's the difference of do you say I hate action movies, I'm never going to watch that with you, or do you try watching it and see if you like the movie. I'm not saying you have to sit through it, but did you try? And it always goes back back to effort. I think you're right, effort and investment.
Like recently I made LZ watch con Air.
But you didn't make me said I wanted to try it.
Yeah, we wanted to say a horrible.
Movie, and that could be a whole playbook. That's a hot take, but.
He's probably not wrong. I thought it was a great movie. And when when you watch something with l Z, it's like taking the filter off of it and you're right. The cast is great, everything about it. But yeah, when you when you look.
At it, the acting is so bad. You can really take a great factor, but the acting is so bad. The movie makes no sense. It's ridiculous. The script is bad. I will say sometimes if you just grew up watching a movie, you'll love it.
Well, that was it.
I think seeing it for the first time in my thirties, I didn't love.
We have serious issues with the Rewatchables and Bill Simmons. We'll have to talk to them about that. But in the meantime, I agree. It's that investment and just caring. And you're right, like just taking a moment to dive into I'll make it this simple.
Yeah, you don't have to do everything together, but you do have to try to do things together and try doing what your partner likes and loves.
That's a great note to end on.
There is no no I was going to quote Yodda, but I don't have it right so that.
You're going to quote on air. That would have been a great ending quote. There is no try do just do.
Just do it okay anyway, And then.
We did the Nike slogan. We'll end on that. Thank you so much for joining us. We love talking to you each and every time, and we will do it again next time because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most Dramatic pod Ever, and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.