This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema with you on what has been a very busy weekend and a busy week for both of us. We've been at it.
We've been wedding planning. That's what at it means.
I feel like I took and I think this is the case for a lot of people. We sort of planned a few big things months ago and then took a big pause, and then the other day I was thinking, oh God, it's happening, and we need to get some stuff done, and now I'm kind of rushing into it.
Although maybe that's maybe everybody.
Maybe other people are more scheduled with they're planning. I'm a bit of a procrastinator, Like I think, I marinate and then I just go for it.
A friend of mine helped me the other day.
She said, no, no, no, you can just reframe the branding on that You're not a procrastinator, you're a manifestor.
I'm like what she said.
It's it's just that you're marinating on these ideas, you're figuring out what you want to do, and you're waiting until you really feel good about it. And feel settled, and then you move, and then you make moves and you make things happen.
Yeah, I will say the good news with both of us is we are very decisive people. I make very sharp, gut instinct decisions. I think you're pretty much the same. When we've made our mind up, we don't him in haw about it. We just great moving on.
I love you saying that about me. I think you're much better at them.
I'm definitely more. But I think we've done very well. But you're right. We made those big decisions and then we're like, oh, hey, this is coming up. We probably need to like invite some people.
Yeah, we got to send out the invitations right now.
It's a wedding of two.
Well, we've texted some people, but we haven't done saved the dates. And at this point, I'm just going to go right to the wedding invite.
I'm not gonna Can I ask a question, do we need to save the date today? In today's world? Shoot a text? I don't know. I mean maybe if you've got but I don't know.
Is it easier to do a mass text or to send three hundred save the dates if you're doing a big wedding.
And again, we're not doing a big wedding. I think if you're doing two, three, four, five hundred people whatever, that's that's not what we're going to do. Ours is much smaller. So save the.
Date person regardless, I don't care.
I feel like it's one more thing. The invitation is the save the date. Save the date is is it's if you took the time to do that. Just tell me what I'm going to.
I know, And then I feel bad through on the save the date away because it's pretty and they spent money on it.
If you don't want to give me all the details because everything is not set yet, you can follow up with more details. But hey, you were invited to our wedding, our bar mitzvah our Kinsanira, whatever it is, details to follow, that's fine.
Yeah.
I'm a big text person on this. I once had a friend cancel a wedding via a group text.
I love that.
Well, it was very close to the date. What could she do? You got to get the message out quickly.
You know that thing we were going to do in a couple of weeks, right, don't worry about coming back to Missouri.
But it was fine.
I mean, you know, it was just, hey, we got it done, and she sent the group text out and what else could she do to communicate it? So don't underestimate the power of a group text. This might be a hot take.
I don't know.
People might disagree with me and like really get excited about a say of the date, but I just don't know what to do with it. I don't love getting Christmas cards from people either, though I don't know what.
To do with them.
Look, I think today I'm following you on Instagram. I see if you want to take a beautiful family Christmas photo, put it on your Instagram. I'm going to see it, like it, comment on it. We get to interact if you send me the card.
Then I got to text you about the card. And it just seem we're wasting a lot of paper.
Now you've got me down a rabbit hole. My pet peeve is picture day. Sports leagues still to this day have picture Day where you show up at eight am on a Saturday or a Sunday where you're not playing and you're fully drafted in their uniforms to line up and have a photographer take a picture.
Oh you do that well? On day you're not even playing.
This was wonderful in the eighties and nineties when it was difficult to find pictures and you could send it to Grandma and grandpa and Uncle Bob. But guys who doesn't have a camera on them twenty four to seven? How many parents are taking videos, sometimes professional videos, of their kids playing I see everybody's child twenty four to seven playing sports. Do we need Picture Day?
No?
Well, I mean we just sound like angry people who hate memories and joy, and we don't feel that way.
But I just rewatched Clint Eastwood in Grand Terno. I feel like I'm Clint Eastwood. Now get off my lawn.
Oh god, you're that But about children?
So about Children's Picture Day, I've never seen that movie.
Pretty good. God, he still just looked so good in that mind.
I read the other day he's going to direct another movie. The man never stops saying in his nineties, well you actually you always say a Clinice would quote that I do like, which is Clinice.
Wood always has the quote don't let the old man in. And he never let the old man in. And to this day he still works. He still loves to all his animals around his house, he stays busy.
It kind of means you don't let your age define you.
You choose your Yeah when.
You when you stop living, you let the old man in. When you stop hitting the gym, when you stop your passions, your hobbies or whatever it is, you let the old man in. And he never has. He still works, he still acts directs, as you said, So talk about an American legend just well.
Gosh, let's invite him to the wedding. Yes, get the date?
One more, get him a save the date? Uh?
No? We okay, I am I was thinking.
Should we send imitations? Yes, I mean more than a group text?
Ok.
Yes, let's be decisive about that.
We should send imitations.
Yes. The other thing we have to be decisive about is what a great show this is today? Because this show is actually all about you guys, something that Lauren and I love and it's the main reason we started this podcast was to talk to you, to hear from you. So number one, if you have questions, comments, always leave them. You can go to our instapage there the most dramatic pod ever, and leave your questions and comments there. But we already gathered some of your questions and comments and
today's show is all about taking your questions. So let's get to it.
Okay, I'm going to start with a fun one here because I just thought about about it. With the invitations, somebody asked, because okay, look here's where my head is. You can get you can just order invitations. You can have them hand drawn and calligrapheed. You know, there's a whole wide spectrum of what you could do. And I don't know what we'll do. I'm probably going to go.
For an easy option.
But somebody asked, when it came to the Bachelor, all those notes that you used to write, who was this question from Terry From Terry. Terry asked who wrote the notes? Did a calligrapher write the fantasy suite cards and the date cards?
Who wrote those?
I got those questions a lot. I've like that can't because it always had my name on it and the well, one.
Time I kind of called you out because sometimes there'd be bad grammar and I'm like, okay, it needs an apostrophe, s he or sir?
Did you really write this? It signed Chris Harrison and.
It was very loopy, and you know, there's a heart over the eye and stuff like that, so clearly everyone laughed that this is not your handwriting. And no, by the way, I write like a third grader, and that is offensive to third graders. You cannot read my handwriting. So I never wrote any of those dates, the notes and all that. I was in on some of the puns, because you know how much I love a good dad joke.
So several of us would gather and we would try to come up with something kind of punny, as those date cards usually were. But it wasn't anybody in particular. It was a producer, and.
It would change every time.
Not every time. Usually one person kind of did it for the whole season. They were kind of the date card person, and one person kind of did it for very you know, for years, and then that person moved on and then someone else jumped in. So it's sometimes it's different people, but usually it's a female. Typically they usually have pretty or handwriting.
Yeah, and so handwriting does.
No, it'd be ridiculous, it would not be romantic, would not be sexy. So the answer is no. One. We didn't hire anybody just to come in and do some calligraphy. Next question comes from Michelle dating my boss. It's my big secret, and it's been going on for a few years, so this isn't just a tawdry little affair that's happening lately. This has been a few years. Michelle's been dating her.
Boss, Michelle dating my boss, and it is a big secret. Is it worth losing a good job?
Well?
I do wish I had more information because my first thought on it not being worth losing your good job is, well, Michelle, if this person isn't committing to you, if they're not worth or if they don't see your relationship as worth being public with, then that's a red flag. And I would also ask is it worth it to him to
lose his job? Like, have you had these discussions? Is he like, hey, I'd leave this company for you because he's the one in the position here where you know, he's not supposed to be dating someone who's subordinate to him.
And I don't mean that as judgment.
I mean this might be a really wonderful relationship and maybe now you're both torn on what do we do, we need our jobs and how do we kind of navigate this? But I think you should be on equal grounding and really having clear communicative discussions about Okay, who is giving up their job here? Who's finding another job if it's worth it? And the question of leaving or losing the job is like, are you both willing to take that step?
I think? And is the relationship with it? Is he willing to be public with it? Or is everything about this a secret?
Yeah? All, look all HR issues aside. We'll leave that there because we don't have the HR department sitting here about you know, a boss dating a subordinate. I would take a little more aggress of lying on this and say, Michelle Buyer, beware if it hits the fan, which means you break up, this thing goes south, someone finds out, you need to understand there is a very real chance that it's you that will lose your job, that it is you that will take the fall. And that's just percentages.
That's just the real world that and it's not just this guy, just the boss. This could be either way. If it was a female boss, male boss, doesn't matter. But the boss there's a better chance is going to keep their job than the subordinate. That's just history and the way it's going to go. So I would just say, Michelle, yeah, it's good to find out how he stands and all that, but you need to make that decision yourself. Is it
worth your job? And if it is to you and hey, after a few years you may absolutely be head over heels in love and you don't care, then so be it. But I would you say, buyer beware, and this one is on you to make that decision.
Yeah, it worries me that she says it's my big secret and it's been going on for years. I mean, I'll take it to you and I we kept our relationship a secret in the beginning. Now, Chris wasn't my boss.
We are obviously, I interviewed him and we worked together, but we kept it a secret in the beginning because I was And I told you, I think when we go public with this, I'm the one who potentially looks worse here because it looks like maybe I'm trying to date you to get further in my career or something. And I didn't want to take it public until we knew for sure that it was really serious. Now, you were always I mean, you were all in on the
relationship from the beginning. I was never worried as he committed to me or not, but I wanted to know it was a really serious, long term relationship.
I understood the dynamic that this was going to affect you more than it was going to affect me. I was very cognizant of that. Nobody was going to get mad at me. It's Hollywood. No one's going to get mad at me for dating a beautiful young woman. But thanks, you were dating a guy that was hosting a show you were covering, So for you, it was I knew it was much more complicated, and that was something I
was aware of. Wanted to make you aware that I understood, and we proceeded with caution for quite some time, six months. We kept it under wraps because I knew when this went out it was going to be a thing, and it was. But by then we were so prepared and love that it was okay, and we were ready to go through the battle together and come what may, we
knew we had made this choice to be together. And so Michelle, I don't know if you can link that back to you, but those are serious discussions that need to be had because I don't know this guy. He might be the greatest guy in the world, and maybe he is looking out for you, but maybe he's not maybe he's not cognizant of Hey, if this goes south, guess who's not going to get fired. Probably the boss it would be you. Is he okay with that? And that tells you a lot about this guy.
One note overall on secret relationships always a big red flag if only one person wants it to be a secret.
That's very true, and honestly, you know, it's funny. The reason I went public, or wanted to go public with you is it got to the point where I felt like I was lying to people I love, people that I was very close with and was traveling with on the show for quite some time. Some of my dearest and closest friends, you know, some of them knew clearly we would go out with them, But there were people kind of I guess in that second circle that I hadn't told, and I thought I'm done lying and saying
I'm not seeing someone or not. I was so excited about us in our relationship, I wanted to start screaming it from the rooftops, and so it felt right for me to come to you and say, hey, I want to go public.
And I think for me it was maybe this is a little of what Michelle's talking about I realized I was in love with you and I saw a real future for you. Because when I said I wanted to know how serious the relationship was, I meant for myself. I always felt from you like you were on a serious path. But I was thinking, I want to be really serious about this guy before I would risk.
Anything to my career.
And I got to that point where I thought, Okay, I'm I love him and I'm okay with like what happens, what happens, and I want to take that step.
So Michelle, hope that helps Michelle.
We're a team, Michelle, no matter what in this just so you know very much.
So this next one is anonymous, and probably anonymous for a reason because they say, if a guy says he's not ready to date, is it ever okay to circle back later and see if anything has changed.
Let's say our one word answer on three one two three.
No, absolutely not.
No.
Here's the thing, and I'm just going to be blunt and candid with you. You know, I don't have to beat around the bush anymore. I'm not on TV. I don't have to mislead you in these relationship questions and answers.
If a guy says he's not ready to date, he's also saying he's not ready to date you, And I know that sucks to hear, and I know that might hurt, But I'm just telling you the truth because he may step to the next relationship and all of a sudden he gets married, and so you never know if it's about you or the relationship. But I can honestly tell you in this situation, he's not ready to date and also not ready to date you, right.
And the question is should I circle back and find you know, find out later.
No, if he had, if he'd gotten ready, he'd come find you.
Yeah.
If he's not doing a U turn for you, why are you turning the car around? Yes, And that's the thing, he should come to you. It's there's so many phrases that go with this, from the more recent he if he wanted to, he would going back to the years ago, from sex and the City.
He's just not that into you.
I am the biggest proponent of Like, Look, relationships in life are going to throw a lot of crap at you that you're going to have to figure out with your partners. So it needs to be simple in the beginning.
Right, And it may not be that he's not just that into you. It might be he's an f boy, it might be he's damaged and relationship. There's a lot of things.
It is he's just not that into you, because if he was into you, he'd want to be dating you right now. And you know, honestly, Oh, I see what you're saying.
Like some might like some guys are really dumb animals and they just don't figure it out, and they will plow through one amazing woman after the other, ruining great relationship out. We know people like this.
Let me just he's just not that into a relationship with you.
Right, because he's not he's not aware enough of himself. And that this goes both ways, he or herb But in this case, clearly we're talking about a guy he just isn't that aware of what he wants in life yet either. And so take that is a beautiful red flag. Red flags are a good thing sometimes if you pay attention to it and just keep on driving, keep on going.
Yeah, I think in the beginning, it needs to be clear, it needs to be you're being pursued, you're both pursuing each other. You're both into each other because a lot of other hard stuff's going to come later. And yeah, don't circle back on him. If he's not calling you, do not call him. Next question from new Beginnings to old standards, this question is how do you get out of a relationship rut?
What do you think?
Bam?
It takes work And I know that's an old cliche, but relationships, love, dating, marriage, especially when kids are involved, it takes work. And if you're in a relationship rut, and I'm going to assume your years into this, because usually if you're already in a rut in the honeymoon phase.
Yeah, that's a red flag.
That's a red flag. That's another issue we'll have to deal with. I'm going to assume this is a established relationship, even a marriage, and that is just you gotta work out it. You got to form a date night. You have to push each other to be aggressive about this. It's a job to take care of each other. And look, we all don't have money to go travel to go
to great dinners or whatever. So honestly, if you have nothing else, go set up a picnic in the backyard, Go set up some sort of special candlelight dinner, a bubble bath, whatever, you get the picture, but work at it and make it something different than what you do every day. It's not let's pick another show on Netflix and watch it together.
Oh it's so easy to get into those ruts. That's the thing.
We all feel that it's so easy to get in our bubble of going to the same restaurants or our nightly routines of doing the same thing. So I think what's important to note is it doesn't mean there's something wrong in your relationship. A rut doesn't mean something bad. In fact, it means you're comfortable and you love each other and you rely on each other. But you let that rut go too long and it keeps getting deeper
and it becomes a problem. So I do think you have to constantly be checking in on it, aware of it. I'll often say to you, hey, I feel like we need a date night, Like if I don't feel connected, or I feel like maybe we've both been traveling too much, or we're in it's like, let's go out. Let's go out and go to a restaurant we've never been before, just to switch it up a little bit. Instead of
our neighborhood haunts. And I love what you just said about relationships take work, But an important distinction to me is always relationships take work, but they shouldn't be work like. You shouldn't feel you should be putting an effort for each other. You shouldn't feel like you're working at it more than the other person is. And you shouldn't feel like, God, this feels like work. But keep dating each other. Always put that effort in.
Always and sometimes though, and this is going to move me to another quoest. I'm going to piggyback a question on here from Hannah who asked, how do I connect with my husband after having our first baby? I feel that I have only had time for my son. So again, this just piggybacks on that because sometimes one person will be pulling harder on that rope, and true, that's a good relationship. Someone has anxiety, someone's going through something, whatever
suffered a loss. You may have to step up and just pull the rope a little bit more than the other person in your relationship. And you know, a while back, I talked to Ari and Lauren and they talked about this when they had the twins. Arian Lauren Leindyke from the show that Lauren said, Ari had to really push me out of my comfort zone and get us on date nights. I just wanted to be home. I just wanted to be with the kids. And I get that having had kids, I get that poll of you don't
want to miss a night. These are special times, and you get that attachment. But remember that your kids are losing if you are not happy as well. If you're not taking care of yourself as far as your mental strength and stability and your love life, then your kids aren't gaining everything from you. They're not getting one hundred percent anyway. So take a little time out for yourself and for your relationship. I think the hardest job in
the world is raising kids. I think it's harder than anything. I have the most respect for it.
And you once said to me, which really helps put parenting in perspective for me, since I've never raised young kids that you said, well, having kids has never made a relationship easier.
No, And I've never understood the hey we're about to break up, let's have a kid. This may save us.
Baby is not a band abe, A baby is.
A you know. Well, I won't say, I won't put in those terms I was going to say something negative. It's not a negative. Please don't get me wrong. I have two beautiful children. I wouldn't change anything. But it never will ever make your life easier. It is stressful, it is difficult. You will be tired, you are sleep deprived, you are your life is no longer your own, and your life with and I mean your relationship is no
longer your own either. You now share everything with these one or two or however many kids you have, so you have to really work at it. Finding that babysitter, finally the family member that'll come over, and just even if it's not a night, an hour, two hours to just go walk, go to the park, anything, just get some fresh air so you guys can have adult time. And here's my other little tidbit for Hannah. Kids, Oh kids. You know, when you have kids, when you get that
alone time, don't talk only about the kids. Don't only talk about parenting. Don't talk about the PTA meeting tomorrow. Don't talk about how much we got to drive tomorrow for soccer and dancing and all that you got that, don't worry about it. Talk about each other. Find out what's going on, babe. How is your day at work. What are you into these days? What do you read it like? What movies anything? Just bring up a topic
that you guys used to love. Dive into that. Just make it something other than about your kids when you're getting that alone time.
Yeah, I mean, and it's Hannah. It was Hannah's question, how do I connect with my husband after having our first baby? I feel I only have had time for my son. Going back to something you said, which I guess I'll speak to as a as a kid, an adult, but a kid, I am so glad you said your kids will you know, aren't your kids are losing if you're not happy. My parents were always so big on having date nights with each other, like I'm sure when we were.
Super little it was harder.
Of course, I was the oldest of three, so I started babysitting as I got older, and then they really went out. But I look back on that and I'm so glad that they had those connections with each other. I never felt abandoned. I never felt like, oh, why are you spending time without me? And it made them better and it set a good example for me and
my relationships later. It made me prioritize like, you know, a healthy romantic partnership instead of seeing parents that were like frazzled and lost, and so it made me a better adult that they did that when I was young.
Well, and that leads us to another question that is anonymous that I find very interesting is how do you show love to your partner in front of your kids that's appropriate?
And well, say that question again, we process that synonymous.
Yes, how do you show love to your partner in front of your kids that is appropriate? And I what you just said is so important. I remember my parents are divorced now, but I do remember growing up and seeing them date and seeing my grandparents so much in love and we you know, we had It was kind of this little thing on my grandmother's wall that said love is spoken here. We were very outwardly loving. Not every family is like that. We would always say I
love you. We're very touchy feely, we hug, we kiss, all that stuff. I think it's so vital, so important for your kids to see love and feel love to be told. Obviously, but that goes along with date night. I love seeing my parents go out. First of all, I loved having a baby center over at was always an exciting night you could get away with everything.
I'm sure the kids get like a night of if you go out, the kids get like, oh, we get ice cream tonight and we're having fun and we're like escaping mom and dad too.
It makes them get to miss you in a very safe, you know way for just a few hours. Maybe they appreciate mom and dad more, but they Yeah, but they need to see that you're dating. They need to see why are mom and dad together? These these two bots that live in the house that aren't real humans and they just drive us and feed us and take care of us and yell at us and all that. Like, they need to see that humanity in you. The romance and you know, the kissing and you know the appropriate
part is what questions kind of? I mean, everything's the reason we're not groping each other or whatever. But even my kids now, who are older, they're adults, my son's twenty one, Taylor nineteen, I want them to see me. I want them to see their mom in happy, functional relationships. When we're together, I want to see you know, us holding hands and us kissing each other or giving each other a hug. I want them to feel that, hey, dad's in love and this is what I aspire to.
Yes, I know, I keep going back to it because what was the question? It was, how do you show love? That's appropriate?
Right?
I mean, we don't make out in front of your kids, no, but we hold hands, we put our arms around each other, we put our arms around them. I mean, yeah, So it's I have to say, the most damaged people that I know now are people who didn't feel love and see love from their parents or in their homes. Like that is what's going to mess a hit up more than anything, I think is not growing up with love. So show that love and not everybody's like that. Don't slip them the tongue exactly.
Yeah, within reason, but yeah, not every family is that open love. And by the way, if you grew up in that kind of a world, try to change that. Try to be the change in your family, Be the one that's different, be the one that changes.
Break the cycle.
Yeah, break that cycle.
I should also.
Note, you know, we keep I think we're just we're talking about ourselves. So we're saying mom and dad, all the love to the moms and moms out there, to the dads and dads, to all parents yes.
It's not easy, and I've been in those trenches with you and I get it. I mean, there are it just it pushes you and you know, like again I go back to you know, recently Ari and Lauren Lyindyke, who were like when we had the twins, we're sleeping in separate rooms. Oftentimes when you have a baby, the baby's in the basinet next to the bed. So life isn't sexy anymore. It's tough, there's it's just not what it used to be. Your life has changed dramatically on
so many levels. Again, it's not about you anymore, so you have to find that time to make it about you.
Well, let's switch it up a little bit.
Let's go from married and kids to someone who asks the question, Kylie asks, how do you get over the fear of going on a first date?
Taking ourselves back.
To when we're dating and we're going on a first date with someone, Kylie, here's my advice on that.
One.
I think the fear's okay, Like, isn't it exciting when you think you're going to go on a date with somebody and maybe you have a crush on them and you feel those butterflies so embrace the fear. The nerves are good, it means you care. And two, if you need to let go of a certain amount of that fear, I would say what I used to tell myself, and what I always think is really in most interactions with people, is you know, what do you have to lose here?
You might never see this person again. If the date doesn't go well, you won't have to see them again. You won't have to worry about it, and you get a great story out of it.
So the stakes are low.
Don't stress yourself out, and remind yourself as you walk out the door that this person is lucky to be going on a date with you, So you're in that confident power position and they are blessed to be in your presence.
And just remember it makes for great stories, exactly.
I always say more pages for the memoir.
I when I finally got to being ready to date again post divorce, and I'm like, okay again. You got to treat it a little bit like a job, you know, if you're single and you're out there, it's like you've got to put yourself out there. I wasn't on the dating apps, but I was getting set up with people etc. So I went on a bunch of first dates, and a lot of them were awkward, a lot of them did not end well, meaning there was a second date.
Not that they were terrible, but I came away with so many great stories, some really funny stories, some horrific moments. But at the same time, you learn what to do, what not to do. You're finding out what you like what you dislike. Again, you find out a lot about yourself in those moments, and so take it just as an experiment. You know, you're just learning.
Totally, research exactly, and you're finding out what you like and what you don't like.
And that's the thing too.
We tell Taylor this, our daughter, all the time, like this is all part of the learning process. Just like you get educated in school, you have to get educated on relationships, and that means real life research and experimentation. So you're doing all the practice and rehearsing right now for when that great relationship comes along. You want to be ready for that great relationship. You want to have put in your time and done your laps.
I was married in my twenties. I wasn't dating. I didn't have my roaring twenties, so I had to do that later post divorce, to figure this stuff out, and so that it takes you know what time you got to build up the data bank.
I'm going to add in a question of my own for you, because I just just when you said, right, you said that sometimes it didn't go well, there wasn't even a second date. I am someone who I always encourage my friends, because I do think a lot of my friends who've been single for a while, I think the biggest mistake they're making is they're putting too many boxes and labels on what they want, and they'll be like, oh, he's got to be thirty seven to forty two, and he needs to be a doctor.
I need to have met him at church.
And if I had done all that, I don't think you and I would be sitting here because I don't know if i'd pictured the perfect guy.
I don't know if you would have fit in all those boxes. I love you this Sunday.
No, I agree.
I wouldn't have necessary.
I wouldn't have said, oh, I'm going to date someone who's fifteen years older than me. That wouldn't have been my box. And you may might not have said someone fifteen years younger than you. But so I'm a big encourager of look, be open, like go on a second date. People are nervous on the first date. If it went okay, you know, maybe give him a second one if he's
reaching out or him or her? But what for you became the biggest My question is the biggest indicator that a second date was not a good idea?
What made you know?
No, Like, let's not even bother with a second date here, this was a Now.
So many red flags and there are so many.
I know my number one thing.
I'm a big I mean, there's there's some standout things. I'm a conversationalist. I love good conversation. But if that conversation is one sided, if if there's just not that chemistry and that blend where you feel like you could just talk for hours, that that's tough for me.
That is exactly.
If I'm sitting at dinner and I this is I had a date in Brentwood and I sat there the entire dinner and this person didn't ask me one question. They didn't ask me it was really weird. So they didn't ask me one question about what I do, who I am anything. So two things either they knew, and they just didn't want to act like they knew.
Or like it was like she was like, what's your name, Chris? Oh, okay, by the way.
Fine, yeah, it's like you would either okay, well, if if I'm dating you or thinking about dating you, I'd surely ask at some point, hey, what do you do? Do you have a job? Do you stay at home? Parents? Job?
Yeah?
Anything? But nothing? Nothing. And this was the best part. We got to dessert, and so they took our plates away, and there was it was a very tight table, and so this group, this this date going on next to us, this other couple they leaned over after they cleared our plates and said, hey, we didn't want to interrupt in the middle of dinner, but just want to say we love the show always, you know, appreciate your hosting whatever
big box or fans. And so I said, hey, thank you so much for waiting for dinner to be over, by the way, you know, thank you so much. So I get back to my date and I said, I apologize for the interruption, and she just said oh no and just kept going. So still never jumped into it's almost getting weird at the space. It was just weird and so if no one ever asked about you or repeats a question to you, it's just.
It's my biggest indicator, not just in dating, but in front chips, in whether I want to work with somebody. I think every relationship is two sided if and I'm not saying look when I'm sometimes I have to watch myself. I go into interview mode when I first like you and I are to our first date.
We did have.
We met for drinks, and we did have that first date where we talked for hours, but afterwards I was a little bit like, oh, he asked me some questions about myself, but I it was more me. But then it's funny because I said I liked him enough for that second date, and you told me later, well, I felt like you were grueling.
Me the whole night. I felt like you were in Barbara Walters modes. I was just trying to answer your question.
When Lauren gets in a new situation and this could be on a date, this could be just in a group, she goes into I.
Want to get to know everybody. I want to know other stories.
You just want to make everybody feel comfortable, and you want to make everybody feel heard and seen, but it can often be to the detriment of yourself because you will keep throwing out questions. Throwing out questions true, and you don't allow the ball to back bounce.
It's true.
So I have to watch that with myself. So I don't want to judge somebody on Oh they didn't ask me enough about myself. But if I don't get one, how are you? How's your day? What do you do for a living? If there's not one question back, that's the indication.
By the way, I will reiterate, you made a very good point off the top, and it didn't really have to do with that specific question, but you were right putting up hurdles before you ever meet anybody. They have to be Catholic, they have to be Jewish, they have to be six foot four, they have to make this like you are narrowing the field so much. Push yourself into trying new things, whether you're at a restaurant, whether you're dating, you need to try new things and pushing
yourself to date different types of people. I just it's hard enough to find love, to find something meaningful with somebody on this planet without cutting out half of them.
Well, people talk about deal breakers a lot, and I think what we have to be careful about is our dealers should more so be things about someone's character and about how they want to live their life, not about who they are on paper, not about their age, or their job or their you know. I mean, I know things like religion can be a big thing, but you
don't know if someone's flexible. I know people who've converted for other people, and you know, be open to that discussion and give it time to see if it is a too big of it of a hurdle, but don't set up those hurdles in the beginning.
And who are the people around this person? I you know that that's pretty that's a pretty early question for me. Tell me the five most important people in your life? Is it family? Is it friends? Do they have any friends? As as a woman, do you have other female friends. That's a huge one.
Oh for me, for anybody to have friends peria.
And you know obviously never dated many guys, but I'm sure that's the same of like for me, who are your friends? Where do they come from? How long have they been in your life? Who are these people that you know that I just think that the five or so people closest to you say a lot of about you. You were the total that people around you.
I've said so many times, A big part of the reason I fell more in love with you is because I loved your friends. Does this person have not just acquaintances but good friends? And do you like those people?
Are those people who.
Are going to support that person being in a relationship, Like it's a red flag for me? Or it was if a guy like didn't have good friends who he also confided in and who just had like people he partied with, like right, that that says a lot. So okay, we've gone off, by the way, one more question. How many dates do you think you went on post divorce?
Like?
How many? How many?
How many years did you? Well, I guess you got divorced in twenty it.
Was almost eleven years.
Wow, probably a lot there was.
It was a lot.
I was this podcast because I learned even more. Never asked him then, how many dates did you.
Dozens? And as you know, there were a few relationships in there that took time where I wasn't dating I was just dating one person. So there were some relationships, but there were a lot of dates and there were a lot of those you know, those semi relationships where you kind of dated a little bit and then it stopped and you kind of rekindled and it was like, yeah, we know this isn't right. But so those that kind of petered out, but there were I would say dozens.
Well, let's take this to a question from Claire. Claire says she's in a very similar situation to you. I've been out of the game for a while, and I am terrified about getting back into dating. Any advice, any advice for Claire on jumping back in.
I get the trepidation Claire, and I don't know her situation. I can relate it to myself where I had been married for almost twenty years. I didn't, as I said, have my twenties. So all of a sudden I was dating for the first time in a couple decades. Life had changed, The world had changed dramatically, even just little stupid thing like people don't call each other anymore. You text,
People don't pick each other up for dates anymore. First dates you meet at the restaurant or wherever you're going. Some people don't even like to have meals as that first date. There's the code of we just meet for drinks or coffee, so I can pull the plug if I don't like you or don't like the way you look. So there were a lot of different rules I had to learn from where I came from, and so I get the trepidation I was. I was out of my game, I was out of shape. I was out of dating shape,
and so I had to get back into it. But the only way I could do it was date was to treat it like a bit of a job, or treat it like I was actually working out, which was go on dates, fail, fall down on your face, make an ass of yourself. So be it, you know, And I'm sure if you went back and talked to a lot of the women that I was dating early on, they would just say, yeah, it was like dating an infant. He just was not he was crawling and not ready
to walk yet. I'm sure. I'm sure that was the perspective because I was so out of my element.
I go back to that same advice on being afraid to go on a first date. It's like, this is so if you really pull yourself back, this is so low stakes. This person you're going on a date with, they don't matter in your life, you might never see them again. These are not the people who who you feel like define you as a person and where their judgment and opinion of you matters.
Who cares? Look at it that way, who cares?
And they are lucky to be going on a date with you at all.
And I don't know if this is Claire's situation, but people are often afraid of change. And yeah, change can be bad sometimes, but it can be great, change can be amazing. People change for the good and for the better. Every bit is often, if not more than when things go bad. And so don't take a bad date. Oh I've been on so many first dates. I'm so tired of and I'm tired of repeating my resume and I'm tired of this, those first conversations you got to have
over and over. Yes, these are my kids. Yes I was married, this is what I do. I know, it gets exhausted, that first date talk is exhausting after you've done it for a while. But man, when you finally spark a connection with somebody and it works, you forget how bad it was and how exhausting it is, and then it just feels great. And so Claire, you just got to jump back in. You got to rip that band aid off and don't be afraid of change.
That You have a quote on your a quote I think it's from your grandfather and you have it on our desk that I always that I think applies to like work and relationships, which is, what would you dare to do if you knew you could not fail?
Yeah? What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
Yeah? So go into thinking?
You know, gosh, I think I think I got this quote from Mel Robbins, so I follow on Instagram. I love her, which is and I don't know if she originated it, but we always think about what if it goes wrong? We worry what if it goes wrong? We have to change this in our brain. But what if it goes right? What if the date's great? So you know, why are we afraid when it is it's just as likely to go awesome as it is to be hilarious.
And I get, and I get we all build scar tissue, And so I understand that you get that. I guess pessimistic attitude. I'm so annoyingly optimistic that I just don't have that mindset and I never have whether it's business relationships of what if on the bad side, because you know, and I guess if you want to ask that question, just ask what is the worst thing that can happen? Here? What's the worst thing that can happen on a horrible
first date? And again I'm saying, you know, barring something really tragic happening, I just mean in the normal realm, and that is nothing like you wasted a couple of hours on someone that's a complete tool or he's useless and you're never going to talk to me, And that's fine. So you wasted a Wednesday or Thursday night, You're okay, try it again. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Bottom line, I always remember that the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves. It's my favorite quote from Sex and the City. And I think for everybody who's dating, who's in a relationship, you have to prioritize that relationship with yourself. And that's going to put you out as a confident, ready to go person for being in your relationship or getting into one.
And thank you guys for these questions, and just.
Know, at the end of the day, we love you here and You are all welcome here, and no matter what happens on that date or in that relationship, you can always bring it to the Most Dramatic Podcast Ever. We'll see you next time because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the Most Dramatic Pod Ever, and make sure to write us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.