Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. This is a part that me and my bandmates grapple with most of them, not even my bandmates, but danity came but the three bands from making the band that we're all created. We are all in heavy conversation a lot lately. One thing, when to the people I bounce things off from before I speak on topic that topic in general, they don't. They say, what you just said? It was your talent.
It was you that had that. And for me, I would have never done anything that I do now if you would have left it up to me and my knowledge and understanding of what I'm good at. He showed told master manipulator and like I said, that's not always a bad thing.
Good way Okay.
He taught me I was, and then I knew what I was. If you come to me now and say are you a star? I would say yes. They would say are you amazing on television? I would say yes. Okay. If they asked me, do you dance?
Yes?
Are you a great singer? Yes? And I don't pause, I don't, I don't feel any If they want to come back at me with any commentary, I will come right back at them with commentary, I say it bold, with no fucking apologies. Now, with that being said, I had somewhere along the line to have learned that. And it wasn't my mom and dad, who I don't even have in my life, who didn't protect me or keep me safe during any of the crazy things I've gone through, and we're a part of most of it in my childhood.
So I know that that if you were to, if I would have just been left up to my own ideas of what I could be, it wouldn't. I wouldn't necessarily be in a place where I could positively, with no quiver in my voice, do everything that I just did with you right there that came from that man. There were some goods that I will not discredit him for. And with puff it's so hard because he's so disliked now that no one feels comfortable with any positive acknowledgment
of any part of his existence. And I have a very hard time with that, And the editing on me isn't allowing for it either. And then I sit at home and I watch the scripts that they give me to read or the edits that they give me on shows,
and most of them aren't even out yet. They're still going to be coming out all year, And I think to myself and everybody champions me, and then you know, I'll be getting botox and say to the woman I go to, like, hey, it's actually I kind of feel this way and that way, and she would be like, well, you can't say that, and I'd be like no.
Regards to what.
In regards to I think a lot of evil behavior, demons, devils, whatever you consider of the bad behaving human to be, I think a lot of that is man made. I think there are rare circumstances that you have very bad wiring, and it's just as a genetic situation. I think, like serial killers and things like that. I don't know. I mean now we're learning even with bipolar and things like that, that's something very traumatic had to happen in your childhood
to stick your brain into that state. So I tend to have a lot of I have a lot of care and consideration for even people that the world suggests are horrific. I need more information, and I'm a big I'm a big advocate and somebody who came forward and let the world know this is not a this was not a good person. This is not a safe person. I wasn't willing to when Trump was like, he's a
great guy, He's an amazing guy. Right, Aubrey. There's a famous like little clip on Celebrity Apprentice that made its way around during the election of Trump wanting to force me to say he's an amazing guy because it's his good friend, and I wouldn't do it. And I noticed then there was no reason to not do it. It
only would have worked out in my favor. I would have been pleasing master over here, pleasing the old Master and not causing any prompts for myself and not having the hidden beard people that run your life pissing off and because they are controlled by the money people, So it would have been in my best interest to just say yes to the man, and I didn't. And when
I watched the clip. I don't remember that day, but when I saw the clip going around, I watched it and realized, Wow, my integrity has just always been fucking there.
Is that when you went home?
No that at that time, that wasn't a topic that would send you home, Okay, And you know on different shows, I mean we I won't speak of any show in particular because I can't, but I'm sure you've experienced this and can co sign it. Some shows that you watch, some people potentially could have must make it to three episode, six episodes or payment wise, they're paid a certain amount that they're not going home first, or they wouldn't be
paid that amount of money. There's different ways to guys it because legally it gets.
Tricky and shows will say no, but we know.
That yeah no doesn't mean no usually ever, Yeah.
Here's the first word towards yes. That's what I always say.
Yes exactly. So so what the audience never knows is like I would be on shows sometimes and look at people and be like, this bitch can't even open her laptop,
how the fuck is she still here? And or at this high and then I would know why later on, when you know, I would get information from people that don't work it as executives anymore, or because I fall in love with the president's son and I'm in a serious relationship where I hear different things of how things really work or don't work, Like you know, I don't. I didn't understand anything at the time, but when I
watched these clips, when I didn't understand anything. The one thing that is consistent is my integrity, and so for me, I'm really like Now, that's another one of those topics where if you ask me if I have it, I will say yes, and if you have a response, I will have one for you as well. Like I'm not, I just don't budge. So I don't know. I guess I wear these things that I proved in myself time and time again. I wear them as badges of honor. And now I said, like I told you earlier and before,
you'd have to really bend my back hard. Now, if you annoy me, I'll make it clear. I don't even allow like a slight annoyance. I'll make it very clear quickly.
But you're so kind, you're so you're so interesting because what I admire so much in you is you will say it how it is and you don't let anyone compromise your beliefs. But it's in such a genuine kind way that you're likable.
That's because you know me in real life. On television, they edit me like.
The problematic Yeah, right right, you're right.
They can only show the part when you engage with someone and let them know about themselves. It's the integrity pece. It's just that integrity piece, and I think people that get to know me see that quickly and then really like me as the person, regardless of what how I'm interpreted on these shows that really need to box you into a character very quickly in order to be successful. Because there's no money. All the money has reduced in
every way. When that is reduced, the quality of a production is reduced when it takes longer for anyone to have the nerve to bring something forward. Because with all the firings that are going on right now, why would you want to be the one at the office to have a good idea that might work. Before good ideas
that might work were like holy shit, let's go. Now, you're going to be hard pressed even if somebody is in their cubicle with the best ideas, You're going to be hard pressed to find somebody who's willing to come forward and just put their ass on the line, because if they're wrong and something doesn't work, they will be the first to go.
Or they might be, but I would always rather be that person than not take the chance.
We have a little bit of a luxury given that we we don't necessarily know what it's like to be out there on a nine to five pushing resumes, trying to ask somebody to let us get in a cubicle.
For those people, I feel even more sympathy toward, because I just feel like I feel so suppressed right now, because we are in a society where a lot of things are happening very quickly, with all the changes that occurred this year, and whether you're for it or not, it's happening at rapid speeds, and there isn't even enough time to process it, let alone understand it all, because eighteen things will happen in one day, and most people are uninformed and they're just going on their feeling of
whether they like somebody or not. But there is so many things that so many systems are transitioning, And if you don't think that that system isn't changing our system, you are dead wrong. Because everybody I speak to the thoughts of what the network wants, or.
Just about entertainment, you mean in general.
Overall, the political climate is changing the entertainment climate. When you fire all, when you get rid of DEI and the political world the entertainment world. Some people do that as well, it affects all worlds. It affects what you can sell, what you can't sell. And if you happen to fall in a DEI category, which me and you are both in that category as women, it's problematic. It becomes problematic and you have to step very lightly. Just the fact that I have to feel that every day
is like a It's horrible. And then you have to
think about people that are marginalized their entire life. It's likely a lot and people would like probably think I'm nuts for saying this, But for my most marginalized friend, it's very similar to like a you and don who they would be mad if I suggested you are marginalized in the same way, but not in the same way, but the feeling of being marginalized, that feeling of never really even being able to understand your true idea because you're suppressed out the gate with a last name or
a skin color or whatever. That feeling you can share. Those two worlds can share that they don't understand that enough, which is why I try to tell these people and these people all the time, Hey, we could get together and really do some phenomenal things if we could just understand the piece that the experience isn't the same, but the feeling.
Of the feeling, the feeling of.
Trapped, it's taking everything and may not to shut you down and be like no, no, no, I don't deserve any special treatment because of a last name.
Like no, no, no, no, no no, go through.
Yeah, but actually to never having been able to create your own identity from the second you came out of a womb, it's pretty crazy. It's pretty fucking crazy. That's why I still can have a heart for Dawn and why people look at me in their lives about that.
Well, I do, and why does But why does it happen to.
Some people and not others? There's last names people have gone way further having a big last.
Name, Well, that integrity factor is pretty big. Yeah. I can't see you doing a lot of the things that I've seen some of those other last names do to move up.
There has the ability to move up, and I just can't. I fight myself inside of ever taking that step.
Yeah. Yeah, Like if the assignment was forge your way in through a sex tape that's highly produced by you and you have control over and you can be a huge star and become an icon, would you take it, would you personally take it? No?
Oh, so Dean and I when we were together, and this is in the height of Torri and Dean on Oxygen. It was Valentine's Ay or something, and I was in New York. He was filming a movie. Came to visit me and he was like, hey, let's film ourselves having sex. We had never done it before, you know, married for years and we only had.
Do you know, have plenty of videos?
I know, look at me like we had never It's funny.
You can watch it back and fuck to it. It's even I've never even watched it back. If I say anything I don't like, I didn't delete it immediately. Never never let me see that used to get kissed. You like, no, you can use this five seconds to masturbate too. When I'm gone, that's it, I'll go.
Wow, oh yeah, god, I love that. Anyway, we never locked our shit up. We trusted everybody. He had an hour computer at home, and a friend he thought was a friend stayed at our house. Well, we took the kids to Hawaii. Anyway, took the computer and tried to sell it to Vivid Video, and they actually contacted us and said we want to let you know. We didn't accept it, and I'm like, why.
Yeah, that's not I don't know that, that's not the normal. That's I don't know that. I don't know. They have to know what year it was and what else.
They were like with your permitted you know, if you guys want to we'll engage. And do you guys want to sell it? Yes, but we want to let you know. So we had to get a restraining order this guy, we got the we got all of it back and everything, and yeah, they said, you know.
Have you ever it's going to be it's going to be a dark question. Can I want you to think very hard about it and forget that anyone's looking. Have you ever had a thought where you wished I could have released it? It's not like you went out and actively did it and was like as bad as some of these other girls are. Of course, do you ever have just a tiny little thought of it could have? Of course we helped.
Yeah, yeah, I don't believe in the breads.
That's the part that is.
I'm bummed.
I said no to Playboy, and now at fifty one, I wish I'd been on the cover of fucking playboy.
Like, Yeah, everyone told me no, and I did it, and I'm so happy I did because it's such an iconic thing. And now it doesn't even exist anymore.
I know, Yeah, I was doing it with my husband and we were together. Yeah, I should have let that sex tape go out.
In all worlds, the women are never really respected and and what's crazy is the women. Then it's like female on female crime. When I walk into big rooms that can offer me opportunities and it's men, I usually am much more comfortable than if there's a woman in the room, because women will fucking tear apart women way faster than
a man will. And at least if it's all men, I, as a female, conditioned and socialized by this world, I know what I need to do if I send certain behaviors, if we got a little freakadique in the room, I know a little cleavage and whatever is necessary, how I can move through it With women, especially women that get to levels that high they are. I know a few that are incredible, but it's few and far between.
I mean, I think it's wide known. I've been fucked over by men, obviously, but it's the women in my life.
The women hurt more than that.
Fucked me over way more because I don't know. We're as conditioned as we are to understand and what we need to do or not do when we're dealing with men with women. Were conditioned as well to think, you know, women are the first support women.
You know, Oh, I'm not conditioned to think that. I think they're all.
Everything out there, women in power.
We support each other, the fun that maybe the first to take you.
Down and take such Maybe this is just our entertainment perspective, but I honestly think it's across the board. But we can speak to just our perspective. It's bad out here are the women on women And I've never I always bring up the women up until I had a band member come out of danity Kane and come with me into another band. Mit, like, not even midway a little bit into it. She turned to me and she's like, man, I had you all wrong in the this year's multi
year span of this other group. Every time you gave us outfits or this or that, I thought you were manipulating something in your favor. But really you just want everybody that's next to you to look better or as good as you. You really have a thing about that. When I came in sneakers that weren't a famous brand and we were going out to a pictured event, you'd change. I would give her my things. And maybe that's an
only child thing as well well. But I want everybody around me to be looking their best and feeling their best. I don't want anyone to be in a bad space around me. But that is not the common thought amongst women. It's so insane the way that we work against each other. And this is the craziest statistic that I think proves this. We have more women than men in this society and we've never seen a female president ever, and there's.
Been because we keep canceling each other out.
We're canceling each other out more than even the men that don't like us are. It's insane and I don't know why or what. I definitely know that there's a certain way that they expect you to behave as a woman, because I am definitely the antithesis of that. And every person that's been offended by the antithesis goes back to
my manager and lets him know that. And every time he comes to me to scold me, I'm like tell these people ahead of time that I'm a professional, that I expect everyone around me to be a professional, that I don't cut corners, and if I'm not cutting corners, I don't don't want anyone around me to cut corners. And if they're going to cut corners, tell them to do it a little less obviously, because obvious is going
to create reaction. So tell them to go do their sloppy producing in a different room that I don't have an earshot of, Like, come on, why can't we all just enter our jobs and do them. Well, It's just that that is not the assignment anymore, which is why when we are discussing other people that are very obnoxious on sets that I really want to.
Ask you, why do the mean girl? Why do they keep working? And why do they even keep getting ahead?
They're not even fascinating. I did so many shows last year when I tell you, I was so underwhelmed by the biggest people that people like. What I see is they're very good at creating narratives for TMZ. Every day they stay in the news with drama, and so that creates your news. It's hard, though, because even TMZ is struggling, like news cycles are different. Now nobody goes to that one source anymore. There's way too many sources with how wide and that technology is becoming.
So the females that treat people I find self deprecating working.
Why I think because well, for me, if I see something inappropriate going on on a production that I'm on, I'm going to notify someone. Because when there were a lot of inappropriate things that occurred on sets that I was on when I was younger, and I didn't know that they were inappropriate, I normalized them and it was to a lot of people's detriment. So now that I know better, since I knew better, I report I will report it. They don't like you when you do that.
I think those people are so busy bossing people around and telling them to get their specific water or their specific coffee, or talking so fucking much about themselves that they don't notice everyone in the room is like exhausted or bossing people around and not even noticing that, like they didn't seem to be having a good day already, and you kind of probably made it worse. Not even
you don't even know their name. Probably I know the names of everybody that I'm on set with and normally years later, I'm still friends with pas, with people that are just running runners or any like. I make friends with everybody, and not because I need to for some benefit, because I'm going to be with them for over a month or a month at least, and I want to get to know everybody because we're all going to be living this life together. That is not the mentality of
most reality stars nowadays. And the ones that I find do really well are the most nasty on these sets. Like I think about it, in my world, I never get to walk away from abrio day because that's why I play on TV too. You play a character, so maybe you can walk away from it, but I don't think you can if you're a great actor, because actors throw themselves into their characters.
Started Donna at sixteen, it was probably a lot of you was more me than Donna. So because so when you talk about David and Donna being cheated on, like my whole life, I thought, that's just what happens, Like women get cheated on, you just go on.
I mean, that is what happens, bitch. It is. But did your husband chief did you ever go through that?
Yeah?
Was it public?
Yeah?
I was talking to like you were saying, what is a regular job? A regular job human? The other day that's also my good friend, and we were talking about elements of the Diddy stuff, and I was talking about elements of like people that like I had a band member, not one of my members, like a band, actual player, a player of our band who's like beloved and very talented and also was into scat play. And every area we would.
Go on tour.
Yeah, so every area we would go on tour, and I'm telling you, like the hottest guy would have dated him in a second. So so fine as hell, talented as shit. But he would tell me his little kink was every time we'd get to a new city, you can go on these sites that are very available, and you find people in that city. They create like a little party. They put a tarp down in a hotel room, everybody shits and fucks in it. And there's nothing about this person that's I would suggest, is unsafe. I would
let him. I would keep my moment and have my dogs, but he could watch my dogs. He could be in my home and watch my home like them. I love the guy, but he also was into some very different things sexually than I am. So I learned then, wow, this isn't a bad person. So then I just kind of learned, like I might meet people that are into a lot of different sexual things that I'm not into, and there still could be great people.
Just see you know, obrio da. I'm not into gangbang, I'm not a swinger, and I don't like scatplay.
Yeah, I mean neither. But like I kissed the girl and I liked it.
I would kiss you.
Yeah, i'd kiss you too.
Yeah, you're fine.
Listen, bitch. Okay, you're Donna Martin and my soul for the rest of life. Now, one person can go off on you. I will have them at their throw in a second.
Do you still think I should join only fans?
Yes, I've been telling you for a long time. So you know, Denise's with my company too. I know I have the best company number one, and they'll help you, like get up and facilitate it and you can decide.
They did.
Yes, you can create your career. Give me a number of time.
And it wasn't the number.
That I There is no numbers, you know they Oh, well, I don't know. I don't know about that. I've never been offered a number. There there's no numbers. They maybe you're maybe I don't know what that was that, maybe it was something different. I don't know.
For me, it wasn't from this company. It was like literally only fans. Oh, I don't know what they get. You honestly don't know any I don't know anyone out that runs.
Only fans. And it's like some people in Europe that own it. There's like seven people in the office. It's it's for you. You go on there, you talk to people, you decide your content, you decide what you do. I've never been asked to do anything. I do everything the way I want to do it. I'm sure mine is, like I say, highly artistic. My ideas are creative. I do things probably much different than maybe other girls do.
But I'm comfortable with everything that I do, and to me, it's become something that has just given me complete autonomy in life. I don't let people talk to me even a little bit sideways anymore. If I'm on a show where I'm expressing my talent and I'm being taken off for unfair reasons and it's been vocally expressed to me, and I could start a shit storm up if I wanted to, or I could follow the commands that were being given to me and get further. I immediately knew
the answer. Bye, I have this much money waiting at home to do a video. I don't need to please any of you.
Bye.
Let me get this off and let me say what up to everybody, and let me give them a little world twirl, And then I'm getting the fuck out this room, and I'm gonna go be around people that aren't fake as fuck and garbage. When I see somebody that doesn't want to have to be dealing with the way that this system is anymore, and I know the type of freedoms that can exist in other places. And not only that, but like you control your the timing of your creation.
You don't have to ever be on someone else's schedule. That's a big thing as we get older, you're a mother, even so your schedule is way crazier for me, Like, my time is the most valuable thing I have. And when I don't want to be doing something, especially a lot of times in this industry, it's some fake bullshit.
Me and you both pieced out on some shit yesterday because we just didn't want to do it, yeah, and it would have been better for our careers had we done it process, but we just didn't want to do it. But I don't worry about any situation anymore just because of that one factor.
That I have and that financial thing, and lit it's.
A financial thing, it just is.
I want to have that freedom because I'm not enjoying my life, like I have five beautiful, amazing children.
Well that's why I'm successed to you. And when I heard you in the room like strange, trust yeah, because I'm like, if you if you really get to a point where you're that stress because you're in such a market where I believe you do so well, like Denist does so well, and she does very little. And I think we even talked about it. I don't even think she does much. I don't know what you saw or didn't see, but I don't think she.
Does more than probably what I'd be willing to do.
Okay, So I'm just so judged, bitch, Everyone is so judged. You want to know who also feels judged? Someone we don't even know their name that's watching this right now, that as a nine to five, and that bitch that sits across from her at work every day has been judging her ever since she got there. Everybody in life feels judged. We have to move past that place. The people that move past it the quickest make the most
money and have the highest rises. It's crazy, like when you start giving zero fucks is when how many fucks do you think? The two people running our country right now give zero? They don't give a fuck and they run everything. The not giving a fucks part of me was so hard. Sometimes I would do a video and I'd be like, Damn, that was hot. I don't want
to do this and that, but god, I don't know. Judge, judge, judge, judge, judge, and then I would stop and be like I even had a moment when I was doing Bunny Jelly Roll's wife's podcast, Bunny's Podcast. I said she was saying because she was she worked in the sex industry for a long time, and she was saying like, I think the majority of not all people in that that area have had trauma in their childhoods. And I was like, shit.
I had a moment where one time, the next time I made a video, I was like, am I making this video because I was traumatized? Under a person that I worked for that were now learning did things that were very potentially, very dangerous and could cause a lot of trauma, Like am I only doing this because of a trauma that I experienced at a young age and I haven't moved past it to the point where I'm still sexualizing myself, Like I had to have moments of
those types of conversations. It was very hard for me to shoot any content for a period of time. The great thing about that platform is when new people come, there's a million videos that you've already done. If you're in a month where you're not feeling so sexually great about yourself, then you can express yourself in other areas. Shit, what's her name, Iggy Azalea? I think is her name? A rapper girl, White rapper girl is on there. Yeah, she had a section of poetry. I don't know how
well it did. Now that's the thing. You can go on and just do poetry. Is everybody gonna watch? I don't know, but it just maybe, but it's not it it's if you're more compelling than your sexuality, you might be able to do it without that factor, however, but it's also about who watched past. Yeah, your sexuality is hard for you. I don't know why. Why because people have attacked your looks because you were famous so young your whole life. You were attacked a lot during the
nine o two one Ozero days for beauty standards. I remember, Oh, why do I just tear up? But you think I had any feelings left me?
I don't know, but I look back then about how like I was always the one wearing like the crop tops and showing my body off.
Yeah, you looked so good and you were so attacked.
I was so attacked, never like was told since I was young, like how ugly I was, horse face, ugly, nose, like big eyes. So was there something I felt good about myself that I still pressed on and wore cute outfits? Or was I trying to overcome and say for what I thought they perceived as my face by showing off a good body.
I don't know, but I'm still traumatized by it.
But yet I still there's a part of me that feels like sexuality is such a huge part of making it.
I have a question, do you have sex sober or do you need a drink or something to get through?
Oh? Interesting, God, I haven't in sex in a while.
How is it as long as me?
You said two years?
While we're pressing on more. No, I've had some of my friends so easily, but I don't. I don't want any man inside me if they don't love me, if they don't respect me, care about me, and if they don't plan on being right or die with me, Like.
I see, I don't know what I as anymore. I've lost.
I had the fairy tale of my whole life in my head with Dean. No was in my head like it's from a very young age. I don't know if it was. My dad was a producer.
Are you cheating on your mom? Your dad?
I don't think so. I really don't love her, yes, oh yeah, yeah yeah.
Where did you learn this from?
I'm not sure. I don't know. And that's what's weird for me. And I just started.
I having in therapy in a really long time, and I just started with a new therapist.
You got to give me some names, and I really.
And we're going all back way back to childhood because it's just like I don't know where this comes from.
But like I have a very odd relationship with men, Like it's the need to be.
I don't and I don't know, and I think I'm now fifty one and single again with five kids, so I don't even know where I stand in the future.
Like are you on a dating side girl at all? No? Yeah, I wouldn't get involved in it. They're all trash on there anyway. Right now, I would say, I don't there for what I do want to be like, I don't want to have a stroke in the midll that I say this.
I want to be alone.
I don't want to. I don't want to be alone either. I feel you on that. I'm about to leave for Japan and I wasn't even going to go and on this adventure. I wanted to do cherry blossom season because there's like only a few Sorry, I'm about to cry.
No, don't cry.
If you want to cry, by the way, good, it's fine. Let it out. That's part of getting better.
Listen, I'm such a you know me, I'm Pausitive've.
Just know you. This is we are, we live there that you're not going to die alone. I'm here first of all. Listen to me.
I'm no hold on, I put my other man.
I don't care're not alone. Have each other. There are other people that have our bucks. We're not alone. I just have to believe that first. Such a fucked up life, all of this, I know, babes, my fucking life. I'm forty one without kids. At least you got some. I'm not even going to be able to have them in life because of all the bullshit I thought to be and I really wanted to correct my generational trauma. I'm not even going to get a chance to do it. This industry is not for the fucking week.
What is strong when I am strong?
So what it needs to correct? But get everything together real quick.
This top, sorry, Bob, this top was.
Just a goddamn I shouldn't have ever purchased it. I thought I could pull off a back list top.
It looks great.
Listen, let me take the podcast bucket. Yeah, let me tell you something strong.
I'm fucking Let me tell you they should sample my DNA when.
They go to bitch.
I feel this. I feel the same other.
Fuck I am. I'm resilient, but what is it? I need a good of the.
Day, So fuck everything you're saying. I feel that too. You have to me. I think for you, I'd start with you get to teach young you have kids that you get to But here's the one thing that my friends told me at one point when I was doing the same sob over and not over the loss of not being None of the girls in my group ever had a child. A lot of girl group girls don't because of the amount of trauma that we face in those situations and what it does to us. I think,
I don't know. I wanted to do a documentary on it. I started doing research. There wasn't a girl group in my lifetime where I didn't find one member that hadn't been sexually harassed, and everyone had been underpaid and undervalued and disrespected, et cetera. I said the same thing and my friend was like yeah, and she was like, well, being a mom doesn't bring the what is it all for?
A card to you. And that was the first time a mom said that to me, and it made me realize, Okay, so maybe I wouldn't have found the answers in being a mom. You're a mom and you're still saying the same thing. I cry that that out loud all the time. It's hard when so many people live and breathe by the system that we were a part of teaching people and creating. It's not in our hands, and it's not in good hands anymore at all. It has been taken over and there has been dark shit going on, probably
even during our time. But things were a lot different back then, and you actually had to have a lot and bring a lot to the table to get the type of work that we did. It's not the same anymore, which makes it even more disrespectful because you have people who don't even have talent being like, who the fuck are you? And they look at us like old bitches, when really we're the reason they have the ability to have a job. Right now, We're still relevant, Yeah, I
mean we are, but we're not. There's a whole Let me tell you. I get told how irrelevant I am daily. The most relevant I've been is as one of Diddy's victims. Imagine how fucking traumatic that is. I don't know what it all is for yet, but I know that if I don't keep speaking up and saying things and making things known, and and if I'm in contracts, I don't, I can't telp the world it. But if you get in any immediate circle, I will run my motherfucking mouth
and tell you what the truth is about people. But I watch learn and I pay attention to every little thing. Every time I'm on a network that I don't trust and a white man comes in and tells me, hey,
you can trust this network. We're not like this. Look behind me and there's a Asian girl, a Mexican guy that lets me know he's gay, and a black woman, and it's like the fucking United Nations and I and they do their whole the whole spill and they walk out, and I think to myself, and they're standing five steps behind him in an appropriate lineup, and they announce themselves
specifically with their sexuality and their races. I just they walk out of the room, and while everybody waits to see if I bought it, I just roll my eyes and go, oh god, So now I understand what this job is. I'm going to get tired any day now, Like I see through all of the bullshit at this point, and I have to be a part of the bullshit in order to stay relevant. And it is so fucking painful.
I hate that. And even the complexities of what's happening right now with puff are so deep they are not even being anywhere near close to being discussed, and I fear that we never will truly discuss what how many ways that this needs to be processed in order for the system to change, so that nobody that is me at the age I was that wanted what I wanted at that time would ever have to go through what I went through again, or anyone that was around me
with any other type of intentions worse or better, no judgment, I don't think we are anywhere close to changing this system. And when did he first? When the indictment occurred? Of course, I was filming a TV show and we had wrapped and they pulled me back in to do b roll
through a microphone on me and caught it all. Now, if all the times I've been minipulated for television's sake, that was one of the most thankful moments that I've had in regards to being manipulated, because being in the environment I was was very safe, and I was around a lot of caring women and they all held me and I would have been at home alone and scared. And also people need to see what something like that
looks like. And I don't know that any of things like that are documented on the victim side necessarily and put in front of the world. And if there's anyone fearless enough to do it, like you said, we are strong, I'm the one to do it too. However, with that being said, there is so much more that is so compelling that no one is even talking about. And my fears that we never do and I know that without the conversation as a society, that the system won't change.
And when it all gets piled up on one person and you don't address the systematic issues, the thing changes. And for us to go with nothing having changed, I
think that's when we'll really cry. And you have the ability to at least put change and growth in a new wave of thinking within your children, which I think is very special, which is what I was thinking motherhood would at least bring me in my life, because I think I'd be a kick ass mom because my mom was garbage and I would definitely want to recorrect that generationally and send someone on their way. Yes, good history, good that right there.
That's one I see.
I see my daughter for no reason, and I've always done nothing but tell her how beautiful and amazing she is. You know, she looked on social media one time and they said something about in regards to her looks and she couldn't see it. Yeah, And I was just took me right back to sixteen and knowing that that had and I was like, yeah, just doesn't change. No, Can I tell you she's trying to like the same types of bad boys I liked.
And I'm just like, God, can I tell you something. When we were talking, we've jumped around a lot. But when I was talking about when I addressed my girlfriends about humiliation, and one I told you one at the workplace had a little thing. But I was like, the type of humiliation that we endure in this industry is certain now the new age kids, there isn't even paparazzi
that catches you outside anymore. That shit's all set up at this point, back when they were all standing outside and catching it, back when they were going like this as you stepped into your car, Remember when they used to put the cameras under your dress and they got Britney spears, pussy and a bunch of other things. We all had that happened. We all knew when they would do it. When we got in cars. We all had
protections put in place we started to catch on. But like we were around in that era of fame, the eras are changing. The younger kids don't understand what this is. There aren't celebrities anymore. There's too many TikTokers and YouTubers and whatever to even have any epic ones like that. The age of all of that is like, there's a
few that started out so you could take it. But in our era, the type of humiliation, because of the way that it moved and grew, was so intense that like you could spend a lifetime and never even recover
from it. I said to my friends, imagine people taking photos of you at an off time in your life, exaggerating them and then putting them on the cover of every magazine saying, look at this obese pig cow fucker that's outside of the dollar tree that's obviously broke and a joke, and then ex boyfriends going on Twitter and writing,
I dodged an obese bullet. Knowing my exes when I was in my prime, in conversations with them, very big ones that could potentially be running this country right now, would say things to me like, oh yeah, like guys always get together and talk about like the women that got away, But they always end up like fat and ugly, and we always are like you know, we were, we were better off, we dodged Like I know how men
in all these circles talk. Some of my exes are petty and went and did it in front of the world. Some did it outside of it. I don't know how many bottles of pills could have made me feel better for a very long period of time after that much humiliation and no ability to tell anyone, Hey, I don't that's I don't look like that. I don't look great right now, but I definitely don't look like that. But like the type of humiliation, and every in every department
is so therapy. How can a therapist they get.
They're famous, They can't com.
No, it doesn't work like that. And I don't think anyone there are difference between people that became famous for famesake and people that want to share their art with the world. There's just differences. And I don't know where fame is at right now. I'm sure fame has always across the board been a cyclical moment of the fame famers are big now the real talent people are famous. I think it goes round and round. Like I said, what the Grammys were when I watched versus when I
got in completely different. But like everything's cyclical, it'll continue to move. But I think that, I think that the amount of trauma that you endure is just too great for anyone to truly ever be able to understand, except your famous friends. And for me, my famous friends that are got ten years on me, that are single like me, that can move like me. They take their pills and they knock out. And I was doing that and until
I saw everybody ten years above me doing that. To escape it all, did I like, move to Balie and move to a place where you can't get home? What were you there for long enough to get off pills? A year and some change? Yeah, and I got the pills from a famous person that suggested that they could help me with my problem, my fear of flying. I'm not a good flyer. I'm one of those pitches that stand up during turbulence and tell everyone we're gonna die
on the plane. Name okay, everybody that sits next to me. We end up being best friends because I grab them. Is that why you were all paranoid to go that day, it's to work for QVC because you had to get on a plane. Ye I thought you were being a drama queen about working at QVC. It was about getting on a plane because I've never panicked like that unless I have to get on a plane. I only me too. Okay,
I don't do well on planes. So for me, like the way that I behave, like I'm in There are multiple planes that I've stood up and said we're all going to die on I'm an embarrassment on a plane. And see the person that I worked for said, oh, we'll send a doctor your hotel room and fix this. Because it was becoming a problem in my work when I couldn't sleep and then I had I was expected to perform a lot and I wasn't sleep because I can't knock out on the plane ride and that's the
only time we had to sleep. And when that happened is the first time I was put on the cocktail of celebrities. From what I've seen, it ever be ambient, an adderall.
Adderall I've never seen an.
Oh god, girl, you're missing out. But also it's not you're missing out, but also it's no way to live. So don't go there. But that is the cocktail that most doctors had ten years older than me, I saw it, and then my age it was still there. I think younger now people are treating mental health and things a bit differently. Thank God, there's this like whole world of alternative healing opening up. It needs to open up. When we were younger, we didn't even we were in home Mech.
They were teaching us how to iron and do the laundry.
Bitch.
I took home Mech when I was.
To do the launch.
I know that class. Yeah, yeah, I think at the end of the day, like people have leaving more space. And by the way, even the people that we see that the world perceives as evil, they are also very traumatized in the same ways that you and I have expressed today. And that's why I leave space for every person until I understand and trust otherwise, because you never know what somebody else is battling you.
Just don't.
I agree with you, and I think that every day, especially when you see someone horrible and too him like, I don't know the other side of it.
I don't know what they're going to do good for you.
I need to start doing that more. I'm more judging Mcjudgerson. I need to calm it down a little bit. There's certain people a little bit, just the exhausting people I think that about, but like the compel, the talented ones I wonder.
Yeah, well, I love you so much. I love you so much. Things cry on you.