Chris Goes to Cotillion

This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. Here everybody, Chris Harrison coming to you from the home office in Austin, Texas. Today. We're talking about etiquette, about manners, about respect, things that I don't want to sound like, you know, the old guy here, but I feel like we have lost in society today, in social media politics, we're all so angry. We're quick to judge, we're quick

That is my favorite time of the year in the city.

Truly, it is hard to beat fall, and that even at the first snow in New York you're like, oh, it's magical, and then it gets billy brown and it looks horrible and it's terrible again. But I appreciate you

Absolutely, I think the word scares people sometimes, right, there's this antiquated connotation to it, and you know, people associated with a certain class of people or a certain meaning or.

Well, I think of my grandmother yelling at me.

Yes, absolutely, and that's what I hear so so so commonly from people. But really, etiquette evolves as our world does when we think about our world today, and my mission redefining it is really to break down what it means. And etiquette is a fancy way to say I want someone to feel valued in my presence. I want to leave someone better than they were when I got there. I want someone to feel heard, valued, respected, cared for.

Right way, we inspire others to do the same.

So I don't want people to feel scared or be scared of the word etiquette, because it's really about kindness and confidence and respect.

How did you head down this path? What sparked an interest in this? Where you're like, this is what I want to do.

It's really niche, right, So it's something I've been interested in for a long time. I actually wasn't raised with any formal etiquette training. People will assume that I was raised in a super formal home or grew up to doing katillion.

None of those things are true.

I moved to New York right after college to work in the fashion industry and took an etiquette course as a fun weekend activity.

I'd always been interested.

In it, especially the history, and when I took that class, I kind of felt like I was missing my calling and I thought, you know, I have this mission of bringing a sparkle back to this lost art, merging generations together, keeping tradition alive, but making it work for our world and the way we do things today.

Yeah, I mean, look, so much has changed, whether it's social media, what have you, that you do have to evolve. But at the same time, there are things that I feel like we've lost that are important, that are good. And I grew up in Texas, so I grew up in the South, and so I didn't go to catillion and do all that stuff, but I was around it. I knew people that did. And there were the balls and all these and everything. There you go, the Debutante balls.

L I was.

I did Valet Park for the Debutante ball, so I almost went. I was just in the garage all night, parking cars. But you know when you hear that, it's like, Okay, they're teaching me to dance, They're teaching me what fork to use. I think we can go deeper and just how we treat people on the day to day level.

Yes, and a lot of it is about, again, like I said, making someone feel valued in our presence, but it's also about us making sure that we can show up in the best way possible and market ourselves, display our confidence.

It's about the making the intentional.

Decision to assert the best version of ourselves for each situation.

So yes, etiquet.

It comes with a set of rules and guidelines and things like that, but it's it's much more about your social awareness, your emotional and intelligence, thinking on your feet.

There's a whole psychology part of it. So it does go.

Much deeper than the debutante falls as much as that those are so fun too, But.

What is what do you think we have lost? What are some things from the past that you would like to redefine and bring in to society again today.

I think one of those things is the way that we communicate with people. We're so attached to our phones, we're so we move so quickly in our society today that sometimes we don't take that moment. Whether it's as simple as when you go get your coffee somewhere and you take a moment to say, hello, how are you to the person who's making your coffee?

I live in New York, I'm in New York, or.

We move at lightning speed, but sometimes it's about taking a moment to say again, like how can I make this person's day a little bit brighter. What is that thing that's not going to cost me anything or take up too much time.

I mean a lot of that comes from our connection with people and our communication.

And it's funny to me how some things, not only it used to be good etiquette, now it's almost offensive again. I grew up. I guess you call it the Midwest. I call it the South. I mean because anything south of me is the Gulf of Mexico or so, I feel like it's south. But I know there's a difference between the South and Texas South. But I grew up saying yes, ma'am and yes sir. It was beat into me as a child from my parents, and I'm grateful for it. I say it to everybody because I don't

You know, Chris.

It's also so cultural and geographical too, and that's why, yes, there's a rule book, but I think it's so much more beneficial for us to look at etiquette is more of a fluid thing and more situational, because what works for you or worked for you in Texas might be extremely different than what works in California or what's expected in New York.

You know, my sister.

I grew up in New Jersey and my sister went to school in the South, and she had to adjust some some things when she moved as a way to show respect. But when you think about, Okay, I want to show respect in the situation, and what do I have to do to kind of pivot or change things that I'm used to so it fits where I am.

It's a cultural and geographical thing for sure.

What do you think etiquette? And I'll kind of even put an etiquette slash manners because they're very tightly linked in a lot of ways have changed so much because you know, say, for example, you're in New York at Starbucks, there's one everye hundred yards, but you open the door and you know, you see someone behind you and you're like, oh, come on, you know I would hold the door for you, and they just walk on through, no eye contact, no thank you, no nothing. And I'm just like, why where

Yes, you know, I hate to blame it on the pandemic or say anything like that. But it's part of the issue is that we were alone for so long and we lacked that human connection. And it's not to say that that's a good enough excuse for someone to not take thank you or not look at someone in the eye, but it's almost like readjusting to that. And I think it's also what we're deciding to pass down the generation. I think social media has a huge part of or a huge thing to do with it. Just

That's the foundation of the respect for each other.

And I feel like this is where I will seem like the old guy yelling at people on my lawn. It is and you hit, I really think you hit something that's very important. It is a learned behavior. The reason I noticed stand up when a woman comes to the table is I was taught. The reason I know to open a door. I was taught, yes, ma'am, Yes, sir. That's how I was taught and raised. If you're not teaching that, if you're not passing it on, it's not

I understand completely.

And you know that's why what I tell my story of not being raised in any kind of formal training. One thing that my parents and my grandparents drilled into my siblings and I was the idea of that you treated everyone with respect, whether it was the person cleaning the toilet or the owner of the building, the CEO of the company. It was about how you treated people and being mindful of how your actions and words and

Is, you know, affecting me or affecting.

The people around them, and so holding your fork and knife not really it's important, of course, but it's how we behave and how that affects other people.

I need to before because I want to ask you about relationships and how this can help us all with the relationships. But I need you to settle a score for me. So Louren and I go back and forth on this all the time. I and again, God bless my grandmother and my parents. This was beat into me. I cannot change it. I can't wear a hat indoors. I can't. It just immediately comes off. I don't care if I have a bad hat day, my hair or whatever. I can't walk into a restaurant with a hat on.

No, it's still expected, especially for a gentleman to remove his hat upon going indoors. And you know, any type of outdoor hat, regardless of gender. So if it's a sun hat, a baseball hat, a winter hat. The only exception to the indoor hat role is if a lady has an outfit on with a hat that's pinned to her head.

Or totally agree it's part of the outfit. Yes, I tell I totally, I totally agree with that. And but walking in and don't get me started. If someone has a hat on backwards and they walk into a restaurant, I just it's all I can do not to snatch them by the scruff of the neck and drag them outside and talk to him like my grandmother would have done to me and Chris.

People argue with me on that, like who cares? That's what they say. Who cares if I'm wearing a hat?

What if I'm a kind person and I'm respectful to the serving staff?

Who cares if I'm wearing a hat?

And I say, because we communicate with our body language and our physical appearance and our outward appearance in addition to our words, and so removing hat is a is a basic sign of repect.

You're immediately You're immediately telling me you don't care. Yes, exactly, by walking in like that, exactly, Okay, thank you for letting the old man rant. You welcome. The thing I think is interesting and I wanted to get to with you is relationships, and a lot of people listening to this are looking for relationships that are in relationships. I think a big red flag is someone with bad manners, someone with bad etiquette.

I agree.

And we can look at, you know, relationships and etiquette in two ways. You can look at it as a way of, you know, what can I do to show respect to the other person, but it's also what can I do for myself to put my best foot forward?

You know. I was listening to Bethany Frankel kind of go on this rant the other day. She had a date. It was a first date, and I believe it was a blind date that was set up for and she was saying, how I guess she had talked about this publicly, that she was going to go on this first date. And she came back on and said, I canceled the date.

Yes, and this is not about him being the guy and her being the girl. It's not about that. It's about that he didn't go the extra mile to make her feel valued. And it is small thing that he could have done that could have totally, you know, made a great first impression. And we have to think about you know, first impressions with dates.

Are a huge thing.

And by the way, to at least have said, hey, I'll come pick you up for a date, and then Bethany can say that's crazy, don't do that, silly, I'll drive in and get you it's on the way, or at least I'll drive your house, I'll drop off my car and we'll go from there. But you have made the effort. Like you said, it's making people feel respected, feel valued, feel seen. And so I agreed with her, and that was the only reason why she canceled the date.

And I agree with Bethany's take there too, And I think it's important for people to determine what's important to them and what those red flags are because it might look different for everybody. But to basically be told, I'm not going to go out of the way to make this a special night and come pick them up before you even meet them.

For the first date, your expectations are low from.

There right well, And I'm sure you see this a lot as people talk about relationships and etiquette. They start they'll just text yeah and use bad grammar or what and leave the relationship on a direct message or a text basis and not take it to that next level and properly show again making someone feel valued and seen.

Yes, our phones are such a comfort to us.

It's like we can hide behind our phone, and so it takes away from really developing that connection that you get when you are face to face with somebody and you're able to hear their voice and hear their tone and their passion, and those are things you don't get through a DM or a text message.

Would you say phones are the number one etiquette killer in the world right now?

You know, It's funny.

I have such a love hate relationship with technology and social media.

I think it's the reason that I get.

To do what I do. Social media plays a huge part in my business, and I'm so grateful for that, and I'm grateful for you know, how it's connected.

Me to people.

But I think it's there's a line between it totally taking home.

For our lives today.

It really is, and you know, but we get so addicted to it, especially like you said in COVID, we lived alone. Many people did anyway, and you became addicted and reliable on your phone to almost like that friend, that companion and when you go to dinner, you can't put it down and you just all of a sudden start scrolling while you're sitting at the dinner table. It's like rip that leave it in the car.

Yes, and that's a simple first date or any date etiquette tip, but it's basic manners.

Keep your phone away, you know, unless you are you.

Have some very important call that you're expecting and you're able to tell the person ahead of time. My doctor might be calling. I may need to run out real quick to take this phone call. Otherwise it should be in your bag. You're not scrolling, you're not answering emails. That's a huge, huge thing that I hear from people on first dates is that someone will, like you said, just take their phone out in the middle of dinner and it totally kills the conversation.

What are some other etiquette issues that we should be a watching out for as red flags, but be hopefully not doing ourselves on dates?

In relationships, punctuality is a huge thing too, being.

On phone, where's Lauren? I'm so bad, Lauren's out of town. I wish you could hear that.

I'm so so big on punctuality. Again, you have to think about all these things that contribute to the first impression.

It's if you're being.

On time, It's what you you choose to wear, It's how you decide to enter the restaurant.

Right are you wherever you're having the date.

Are you walking in, you know, with your shoulders back and you're making eye contact and your body language is open, or are you hunch down in your phone, things are flying out of your handbag, you're running late. You know, we have seven seconds to make a first impression, and somebody's creating that storyline of you within those first seven seconds.

The part, all those things even.

Beforehand, like we mentioned about the story about Bethany, what you can do beforehand to confirm the day, to offer to make something easier. That all goes into you know, how that person is perceiving you before you even get into the conversation.

And that point, by the way, applies to our kids who one of my son just graduated college and they're going on job interviews and looking for jobs. The same rule applies. That is just another first date. It's a relationship. That job interview, you have seven seconds think about what she just said. There's seven seconds to make that impression. And yeah, you got to follow up with the correct answers, and you know, hold yourself accountable while you're doing the interview.

And Chris, it's interesting.

There's a study, a psychology study that was conducted in the late sixties and has been proven again again that over half of the way we're perceived by people is through our nonverbal behavior. So I know a lot of people when they go on first dates, they stress about and I ask the right questions that I over shared,

Language, but our energy and our smile and what we're wearing.

All that has a lot to do with how someone is perceiving us, and when we're looking to make a really great first and lasting impression on a date, sometimes we forget about that.

We're so focused on our works.

Interesting, okay, so help me better my body language. What am I doing right wrong? Tell me what I should be doing on a date or in a job interview. What's good? Good positive body energy.

So your walk is super important.

It falls into that seven seconds a lot of the times you're walking into a room.

So making sure you have a strong walk.

Your posture is important, and not just the posture that you know, if my mom poking me in the back when I was a little girl, to stand up straight, but it's also you know, the level we keep our chin and you know, just our overall energy and our posture. We also want to maintain open body language. That's how

This person is you know, inviting me to kind of you know, be in a close space with.

Them, have a theme song in your head, walk to your theme song. Yes, people always ask guys like, what would your play on music be as you walk to the plate, Have that in your head as you walk in. See you walk with that confidence and sit with that confidence. But you're right when people sit down and you know they sit back, they have bad posture. But it's like all those things tell you so much more. Whether we know it or not, You're constantly getting that feedback as you look at somebody.

Yes, And it's not about being fake or perfect or anything like that. It's about putting our best foot forward and saying I cared enough about you and this date and your time that I'm going to give everything good that I have to be this hour or hour and a half or however long it is, hopefully longer, hopefully it's a good date.

Two more things, leaning forward versus neutral or leaning back. And also touch in an appropriate way. I'm talking about on a first date.

I probably I don't know, like a hug at the end, I don't know. It depends on your preference. And you know, part of exploring body language is not only being conscious of our own body language, but it's being extra conscious of the other person's body language.

So before you go to you know, make a move or.

Hold their hand or give them a hug, pay close attention to how they're moving their body.

Is their body language open to you? Is it kind of closed off?

Again, we communicate so strongly with our so not only is it important for us to focus on ours, but it will really really put you ahead if you're able to focus on other people's body language. And Chris, this will ruin you because now you'll go through the rest of this week and next week and you'll be so hyper punking time people's body language, because that's what happens when I talk about this with people. But in terms of the leaning, you know, leaning in is a sign

And I guess consequently as well, you want to make sure you're not giving the wrong signals. But so that's a good point. Pick up what the other person's putting down.

Yes, and think about it as a whole. You know, when we think about our words, our tone, our body language, we want all three of those things to be working together and not against each other. So you might have an incredible story to tell your connecting, but if your body language is off, there's going to be a disconnect, you know, with the listener versus or the same thing.

Again, there's a disconnect for the listeners.

We want to make sure all those things are working together, not against each other.

Yeah, I used to tell people because I would help people as they got into the business. One of the hardest things in television I tell people is to be yourself because we all have this idea of how we look, and sometimes we act like how we think we look. And it's like, for example, if I just put a camera on someone outside they start doing these crazy things. I'm like, well have you ever done that? When have

Alwisi edikn applies to everything. It's for every situation, for every walk of life, for every chapter.

It applied to every situation.

It really does. Maria, thank you so much. I appreciate the time and thank you for bringing etiquette back into our lives. I fully believe we need more of it, we need more manners. It just makes people more kind We need more kindness, more love, more respect, and it just makes people feel seen and feel like, Okay, you understand what I'm doing, You appreciate what I'm doing so thank you because I appreciate what you're doing.

Oh my pleasure, Chris.

Thank you for giving me a platform to speak about something I'm so passionate about.

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