You know, it's hard for me to believe it's been all these years since Grandpa's been gone. Said, he's been dead now, oh, been a while. Seems like just yesterday that he took me in. Said, I always called him Grandpa and everybody in town called him Mister. His real name was Benjamin Franklin Farley. And he was just like a grandpa to me. He took me in after my folks died. Of course, it was hard times there in our part of East Tennessee, nestled right up there hard against the Chilliwee Mountains.
It was the Depression. And people had it rough. But Grandpa took me in and he told me, he said, Just call me Grandpa, says, and I'll be Grandpa and you'll be my grandson I never had. Oh, he loved me and I loved him. Let me tell you something else about Grandpa. He loved hazelnuts. He never went anywhere unless he had a big old pocket full of those hazelnuts. And he also had this knife and a scabbard by his side that had a big heavy handle all inlaid with gold and silver.
And he'd take one of those hazelnuts when he was out and about and he'd hold it in his hand and he'd take the hilt of that knife and crack, bust that hazelnut wide open. Pick out the meat and just munch, munch, munch on that hazelnut. Oh, he always had hazelnuts and every once in a while he'd give me one of them too.
In fact, he loved his hazelnuts so much that grandpa made me promise that when he went off to glory, that I would make sure that he was buried with a big pocket full of those hazelnuts and that knife right in its scabbard at his side. When he died, I fulfilled that promise. After the funeral, I went back home to live with Aunt Kate. Aunt Kate was Grandpa's only daughter, and she loved Grandpa.
In fact, she loved him so much that she grieved took to her bed and said she would never, ever in her natural life get up and walk. Now Aunt Kate was a sizable woman, and when she took to her bed, she cried. Wasn't nobody gonna get her out of it. Well, it'd been several days after Grandpa's funeral. There was some other business that Grandpa wanted me to take care of. So I went on up into town there to take care of that business. And while I was there, I ran into Mr. Stewart.
He invited me over to the house for supper. And let me tell you something. You don't never turn down an invitation over to the Stewart's house. Because Miss Stewart made the best strawberry rhubarb pie you ever put in your mouth. Mmm, it was good! So we was sitting there at supper and I kind of got to looking outside and realized that it was getting dark. Getting dark fast as a matter of fact.
I hadn't intended on staying in town past dark because to get back to the house, I had to walk by the cemetery. Didn't much like walking by cemeteries any time at all, but Especially now, because there have been several funerals over the last few weeks, and as everybody knows, after folks have been buried for a while, the angel of the Lord and the devil come down to sort them out. Well, I got up as much courage as I could and I started off down the road.
As I got up there close to the graveyard, I heard something kind of faint at first. A crack. I thought, sounds familiar. Got a little closer and I could hear crack. And it sounded like somebody munching on nuts. Just a munch, munch, munch. And I thought, maybe that's granddaddy's ghost come back. And I went running into the graveyard to where I could see. And I peeked around. It wasn't him at all. Didn't recognize who it was, just saw them from the back and then I heard their voice.
Hee hee hee hee hee! Yes sirree, Bob! That's a good bunch of them over there! Says, I think I'll take them biggins. You can have them littlings, I don't have much need for them. But them I'll take. Hee hee hee! We're getting us a good bunch to take out of here tonight! Let me tell you something, the next time he cracked one of those nuts and started munching on it, I made a beeline for the road.
I ran as hard as I could all the way down the road to the house and I busted into Aunt Kate's room and I said, Aunt Kate, Aunt Kate, now I think I told you that Aunt Kate was a sizable woman and she had taken to her bed and she couldn't get up at all. Right after Granddaddy died, she had just, in her grief, taken to bed. And would not get up. Said she would never be able to get up again in her natural life. Well, we had fastened a big ol ring, iron ring, up to the ceiling.
And a rope tied to it that she could grab hold of and pull up so she could take her meals and she could look folks in the eye to talk to them. Well, she pulled herself up and she said, Ta! What are you talking about? I said, Aunt Kate, I think that the devil and the angel of the Lord is down there in the graveyard. They're sorting souls, and I think they got Grandpa. She said, Tom, we got to go back and see. I said, Aunt Kate, I'm not going. I'm scared.
She said, I'm not talking about just you going. I'm talking about me and you going. Aunt Kate, you can't go down there. You can't walk. Tom, you're gonna have to carry me. Aunt Kate, you're just way too heavy for me to carry. I don't think I can do that. Tom, you have to. We gotta go. But Aunt Kate, it's way too cold and it's too wet and damp out there for me to, and she said, Tom, I'm not gonna listen to another word now.
You just wrap me up in this sheet, put me on your shoulders, and take me down there. Well, when Aunt Kate gets an idea in her mind, there is nothing you can do to get it out. So I wrapped her up in that sheet, threw her over my shoulders, and started out the door. Well, let me tell you something, it was all I could do to carry her down that road. And I got to thinking now, if I go down the road, it's a little further than if we go cross country. So I headed out across the field.
Luckily, most of the barbed wire fence gates were already down. I didn't have to take too many of them down. And when we got to the creek down there, I remembered them talking about the fact that that old foot log was getting pretty rotten and needed to be replaced pretty soon. Well, I could just see me and Aunt Kate getting out there about half way over the creek, and that foot log giving way and just dumping both of us right there in that cold water.
I didn't want no part of that, so there was a little ford a little bit further down the creek there that we, uh, went across on. Carried her up through the hill, up there right to the cemetery, and I was creepin best I could through that cemetery. Of course, I had to use the big headstones for the cover, because as I told you, Aunt Kate was a sizable woman. Well, I'm carrying her up there, trying to get close to see. And I hear that sound again. And munch, munch, munch, munch.
A ripe munch, munch. I said, Aunt Kate, that's the sound I was telling you. And we got close and we could see this figure sitting on Grandpa's tombstone. Crack. Much, much. I said, I think that one's the devil. And about that time, he spoke. Hee hee hee hee hee! Hot dog! Are we getting us a load tonight or what? Hee! I cannot believe how good this is going! And about that time, he turned around and he looked down our way and he said, Hoo wee! Look at that big'un down there!
And pointed right at me and Aunt Kate. Hee It pains me to tell this part of the story because it was at that point that my bravery fled. And so did I. I dropped Aunt Kate right there square in the middle of the graveyard, and I took off running just as fast as I could.
Well, as I'm running out there across the field, I could hear something behind me, just kind of thrashing around through the briars Just thrash, thrash, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, bunch of bricks, and I just didn't know why I'm running faster and faster. And I ran right through it. As fast as I could go. I didn't care that those old twigs and branches were hitting me in the face. I could hear something just crashing and breathing right behind me.
And I knew that devil was right behind me trying to get my soul. I didn't give it two thoughts. I ran straight across that foot log. I didn't care whether it was rotten or not. And I made it to the other side. And as I was running up the hill towards the house across the field, I heard this big crack. S Bloosh! Woohoo! Back behind me and I thought I got him that time. Threw him in the creek. And I went running in the front door of the house. Ka woom! Door hit the wall.
I slammed it shut and locked it. Leaned it up against the wall. And I thought, finally, I beat that thing. And about that time, Bang! Back door opened. Thump, thump. I could hear all this breathing. And I was standing there thinking, Oh, what am I going to do? Here I am to unlock myself in the house with the devil himself. He's going to come in here and get me. Oh, and I started just looking around thinking, what can I do? What can I do? And I looked over by the fireplace there.
And, and there was this great big old poker, and I could still hear that heavy breathing back there in the kitchen, and I picked up that poker. Felt a little braver with that poker in my hand. I was thinking to myself, I got something I can fight with now. So I started easing around the corner of the room over to where I could get to the door, led into the kitchen. Sounds of that breathing was even louder. And I stood there a minute and I thought, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?
And I finally decided, Tom, you gotta do this. You have got to just bust in that door, and take on that devil, man to demon, and just see what happens. Well, when I came to that thought, I threw open that door, jumped right square out in the middle of that kitchen, THREW Big ol poker up over my head and holler, Woo hoo hoo! Devil, you got it comin now! I am gonna fix your wagon!
And I looked, and there, leaning up against the opposite wall, was the wettest, scaredest Aunt Kate I had ever seen in my life. I dropped the poker to the floor, and I said, Aunt Kate! What are you doing here? How did you get back from the cemetery? I didn't think you could walk a lick. You've been bedridden all this time and, and I never thought you'd walk again.
She looked at me and she said, Tom, by the grace of the good lord above and my brand new Sears and Roebuck support hose, I was able to beat that old devil home too. Well, a few weeks later, I was downtown at the barbershop. And I heard that the two most notorious sheep thieves in all of Tennessee had been caught the week before.
in the graveyard where they had been herding up the sheep they were stealing from all the local farms and sorting them out between all of the folks that were involved in this sheep stealing ring. It was at that point that I realized that it hadn't been the devil eating nuts in the graveyard at all, but just a bunch of sheep thieves. And that's the story of the nut eating devil.