Coming up on The Mindful Midlife Crisis...
Billy: I'm guessing, you agree with your own results.
Brian: I do, and I've got an interesting tag to this as well. Because I'm going to pull back the curtain here a little bit. We did this over a course of a month, like a month ago. Since she and I discussed the love languages as well, and what was important to us, I've since changed my behavior to focus a little more on acts of service. It works really well.
(intro)
Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis, a podcast for people navigating the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. Join your hosts, Billy and Brian, a couple of average dudes who will serve as your armchair life coaches, as we share our life experiences — both the good and the bad — in an effort to help us all better understand how we can enjoy and make the most of the life we have left to live in a more meaningful way. Take a deep breath, embrace the present, and journey with us through The Mindful Midlife Crisis.
(interview)
Billy: Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. I'm your host, Billy. And as always, I'm joined by my good friend, Brian on the Bass. Brian, how are you doing over there, man?
Brian: I am unbelievable.
Billy: Oh, unbelievable. Like Andrew Dice Clay unbelievable?
Brian: Yeah, but can we get like a bell or some sound effects next time so that when I say my word, it can be like, ding, ding, ding.
Billy: Dude, we barely can do a Zoom interview.
Brian: Yeah, it's a good point.
Billy: I don't know.
Brian: I know where you come from. It's fine. You're right.
Billy: But we did. We did figure it out. Thank you to my sister, Debbie, in Washington for helping us out with our—
Brian: She was in Washington when we called?
Billy: Yeah.
Brian: Oh, nice.
Billy: Yeah. So, now we know that it works from very long distances away. We promised to be better. Hey, you've had a big week—
Brian: Big week, yeah.
Billy: —showing love to your wife this week. Because the week that we're recording this, it was your wife's birthday yesterdays. Happy birthday Kathlyn. Big four-oh.
Brian: Happy birthday. Yeah, we had a party, a surprise party, for her on Saturday. It went great. She had no idea. I didn't even get to tell you about that yet. So, we went out to dinner. We had about, I don't know, approximately 60 people waiting for in the driveway when we pulled up again. She had no clue. So, her face was like — she was stuck. That's great.
Billy: That's awesome. Then you put so much thought into that.
Brian: Well, I forgot her actual birthday was on Thursday, the following Thursday. So, we threw the surprise party on Saturday. Thursday, I had nothing. I planned nothing for the actual birthday. So, I got caught last minute. It was like, "Who's doing dinner?" I'm like, "I guess, I'm doing dinner." So, I was running around all week trying to figure out what to do. But I did it, and it was awesome. We had cake.
Billy: Excellent. I actually thought I was being supportive and posted a happy belated birthday to Lyn on our Instagram account. Then she messaged me. She's like, "Yeah, my birthday is not until Thursday."
Brian: It's Thursday. You’re right, which barely all of us forgot right.
Billy: So, none of us really got that right.
Brian: Currently, we're doing about it as well on birthdays as we are on Zoom calls, right?
Billy: Eventually, we're going to get it all figured out. By next year, this will all just be smooth sailing all the way around. It's a learning process.
Brian: Another thing that happened this week, I've been listening to a lot of SiriusXM shows. I've decided that I think our podcast is good compared to those shows.
Billy: You know, I actually reached out to a friend of mine who we're going to have as a guest, Dr. Dawn Graham. I asked her, "Hey, how do we get our own SiriusXM show?" She said, "You know what? You guys are probably better off doing the podcast and just promoting on your own."
Brian: Oh, really?
Billy: Yeah.
Brian: Why did she think that? Just because—
Billy: Because SiriusXM doesn't promote their shows, and you have to have a paid subscription in order to listen to those shows. Since nobody is driving in their cars anymore because of COVID, those SiriusXM subscriptions are going down.
Brian: Wow. Maybe we are better off. I mean, we get to keep all the money right now.
Billy: Oh, yeah.
Brian: I mean the millions of dollars that are rolling in, we keep.
Billy: Thank you to all the listeners who continue to not donate. Actually, though, in all seriousness, thank you to everyone who's listening. We eclipsed 1,000 downloads.
Brian: That's pretty impressive. I'm really happy with that.
Billy: I am, too. The more that we continue to do this, I think the more people are going to listen. We talk about it every week. This is just a lot of a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun to do it.
Brian: Maybe we could try getting ourselves canceled before we have any listeners. Does that give you immunity like the vaccine?
Billy: I don't know.
Brian: If you get canceled before you're big, and then you get big — I don't know how to respond.
Billy: You're almost thinking Edgar Allan Poe, except we don't die. We don't get famous until after, posthumously. But we're still alive.
Brian: We're still alive. Just maybe we have some of the show recorded. I know what we can do along that vein. Let's do the first season, and then let's go on to the second season. Then let's have the first season just get super famous.
Billy: That would be fantastic.
Brian: Okay. Good plan.
Billy: I like that. We need everybody's help. Because Brian and I talked last week. How can we make this podcast so big that we can replace our current salaries with just doing this podcast? So, we need your help with that. So please like, share, subscribe, and do all the things, especially if you're enjoying it and if you know people who also would've enjoy it,
Brian: And being that we know we have 1,000 downloads, if we need to make a million dollars, everybody just has to send us $10,000. Easy enough.
Billy: I think send it our way, friends. Send it our way. Another fun thing, we're actually recording a video of this, too. We have no idea how this is going to—
Brian: None, whatsoever.
Billy: Not at all. We just barely figured out Zoom 10 minutes ago. So, we might be able to do this at some point where we get this on YouTube, and then you can watch us talk.
Brian: I don't know if you caught my math there, Billy. I actually did the math for $10 million just because I'm greedy.
Billy: I like it. You were going to keep—
Brian: I told them one million. But then, it's actually 10 million. So, I'd be like, "Oh, hey, Billy. Here's your $500,000," and I'd totally have $9,500,000.
Billy: Why is your spaceship so big, Brian?
Brian: I'm rolling in with a couple of ivory back scratchers, like 16 Super Bowl Raiders.
Billy: Your skoolie has rockets on the side.
Brian: Yeah.
Billy: Where's this coming from? I know you say you're a scientist, but this seems unreasonable.
Brian: That would be good.
Billy: Well, yeah, please show us the love. Actually, today, our topic is love. We are going to be talking about the five love languages today. Our next few episodes are going to focus on love and relationships and dating. Because if you're like me, dating is complicated when you are in your 30s, 40s, and 50s. If you're like Brian, who's a very happily married man, he's doing all these things really well, I would imagine. Because you guys are crushing it.
Brian: I hope so.
Billy: Yeah, so, I'm very curious. I bet you did not take the love languages test like I told you to, did you?
Brian: I didn't, no. I've been so busy these last two weeks. I haven't had time to go to the bathroom, much less take the love languages quiz. But I should have done that.
Billy: You probably could have taken the love languages quiz in the crapper.
Brian: That would have been a great idea.
Billy: See, this is what I'm here for. I'm all about helping you multitask. Well, that's all right. I did take the love languages test. We'll just talk about my results because I'm a selfish dick. How does that sound?
Brian: That sounds great.
Billy: All right. Fantastic. Hopefully, everybody's love languages match up with mine. In our first segment, what we're going to do is we're going to talk about why love languages are actually important. I will tell you now that when I heard people talk about love languages, I thought this was such a corny concept. After hearing more and more people talk about it and actually reading the book, I'm like, "Oh, this really makes sense." I can see where this has a place in relationships.
Then in the second segment, we'll talk about the what. In the third segment, you can listen to that. That's going to be the how — how we can apply the love languages in our relationships.
Brian: Then go back and listen to the first episode again, and then the second episode again, and then the third episode again.
Billy: And share them with all of your friends, and have them do the same thing. That way, we just magically get to 3,000, 10,000, 50,000 downloads.
Brian: I like this plan. All right. So, I got a question for you. I'm going to take the love languages quiz. It says begin couple’s quiz.
Billy: Yes, so you would take the couples quiz because you are a couple, whereas I took the single’s quiz.
Brian: I don't necessarily have to have my other half.
Billy: Not to my knowledge. I actually didn't take the couple’s quiz.
Brian: I'm going to do it right now.
Billy: Okay. So, while he's doing that, I am going to talk about The Five Love Languages here. This is a book by Gary Chapman. If you listen to the audio book — that's usually what I do — he reads it. He's just got this adorable southern accent. He did a great job of reading through it. I really enjoyed listening to him talk about this development of five love languages. What he talks about is how the five love languages have a dialect. So, he has a southern dialect. Brian and I, very clearly, have Minnesota dialects.
Brian: Minnesota.
Billy: Yeah, and we all tend to speak our primary love languages. That's our default. But we may have a partner who that love language is like a foreign language to them. For example, when we get into it, I'll tell you that gift giving is very, very, very low on mine. Don't give me any gifts. But if I was with a partner, and her love language was receiving gifts, that would be a very foreign language to me. So, that would be something that I would have to be cognizant of as I'm navigating our relationship.
Why is it important to navigate relationships? Well, 40% of first marriages end in divorce. Now, this is what I found really, really interesting. 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 75% of third marriages end in divorce. I thought that was really, really interesting. I don't have the statistic here, but I think we talked about it at one time. People who get married between the ages of 18 and 23 have really high divorce rates. I've always run under the theory that you should wait until you're 37, 38, 39, 40 years old to get married. They also have really high divorce rates for first time marriages. I thought that was that was interesting. The sweet spot is 28 to 32. Those are the marriages, first-time marriages, that lasts the longest.
So, I have a theory on all of this. I think that the older we get, the more arrogant we become in terms of what we think we know about relationships.
Brian: I would totally agree with that. That seems logical. Because I've known a lot of older men that really get blindsided by divorce late in their lives. So, that makes a lot of sense.
Billy: I also think that we're actually more inclined to rush into marriage after the first one.
Brian: Oh, yeah, for sure. I think so, too. Maybe it's a need to complete what they didn't the first time, or something like that.
Billy: Well, I also think it's because as we get older, we think we know what we want.
Brian: Oh, yeah.
Billy: Even the book supports this. It says that, by nature, we are egocentric. So, the euphoria of being in love gives us the illusion that we are altruistic and selfless. Now, that is a very interesting concept. We talked a little bit about that during the Male Sex Drive Episode. So, we're going to elaborate on that in a little bit more here.
We are blinded by the emotion of love, according to Dr. Chapman. We are blinded by it. The average lifespan of a romantic obsession is about two years. After two years, that's when we start to see the person for who they really are. Then all of a sudden, all of those things that our friends and our family have been trying to tell us about that other person, now we start seeing those things.
Because we were too blinded by love, the euphoria of being in love, gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship. But really, we're just so wrapped up in the euphoria of love. Being in love is instinctual, right? It just happens. It's not conscious. It lives within us for about two years, maybe less for some people. It says here that it's actually similar to mating calls in animals, in that the animals hear these mating calls, and they swoon. They gravitate towards their mate. Well, that's what we do when we're stuck in this euphoric sense of love right here. Because it only temporarily meets our need. Because we can get away with the infatuation. We can get away with that euphoria, because our emotions soar.
But this is a Hollywood version of love. This is not really what love is, so we have to be careful. Hollywood plays this up. We see these all the time. Then when you see real relationships that have lasted 5, 10, 20 years, and they're healthy, most likely, it's because they figured out how to speak each other's love languages even if they're doing it unconsciously. So, I'm actually curious, as we get to talking about love languages, if you're noticing that in your marriage.
They cite some research that Dr. M. Scott Peck — I read a little bit more about this dude. He's very, very interesting. So, I strongly suggest checking out Dr. Morgan Scott Peck. He says here that falling in love, that experience, should not be considered real love for three reasons. Falling in love is not an act of the will or the conscious choice. We cannot make falling in love happen. So, we cannot make falling in love happen. It just happens. We go back to that with the episode where we talked about the male sex drive again, where when we see a woman, we immediately know that they're attractive or not. So, we get caught up in that. Remember, when the male brain wants to have sex, everything else shuts down. So, we get so excited about being around that person that we become dumb.
It goes for the ladies, too. Ladies get so wrapped up in the emotion of love, that they become blind to what others around them are seeing in that person. Falling in love is effortless, because it's instinctual. We talked about that. One who is in love is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person. According to Dr. Peck, we solely want to terminate our own loneliness. So, it goes back to that selflessness. It's actually selfish. Once we "fall in love," we have reached the apex. He says fall in love in quotes. That's why after maybe a year, a year and a half or two, you see a lot of relationships start to crumble. I can tell you from personal experience, most of mine, within about a year or two, that's about as long as they last. That's probably because I wasn't really interested in learning about the love languages. Especially in my 20s and into my early 30s, being more selfish, it's just the nature of the beast. I was caught up in the emotion of love. Then when the real work began, I was like, "This is too hard. I'm just going to go."
It says here that Dr. Peck says it's more about mating behavior and extending the survival of the species, that internal drive to reproduce. That's more about what the "falling in love" act is. That's why it's so primal. He says, when we come down from that emotional obsession, we often wonder why we did those things. I remember being in that toxic relationship. Then having come out of it, I'm like, "Why did I put up for that for so long?" I put up with it because I was in love, and I wanted to continually prove my love to her.
It says, once you're finally out of the euphoric state, you either break away from that other person, or you start to really put in the work to understand how to speak the other's love languages. So, we can recognize the in-love experience for what it is. It's just a temporary, emotional high. So, we have to understand that, okay, once we get through this, we need to start working on the relationship. It's good to maybe start that a little bit earlier so you are able to speak each other's love languages, if you're actually interested in continuing on with that relationship.
Because once we get through that, then that's when we pursue real love with our partner. It's what unites us through reason and emotion. It recognizes the need for my personal growth and your partner's personal growth. True love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.
Brian: Wow.
Billy: Yeah.
Brian: That's really surprising. Because I would think that it doesn't specify if there's any effect on the second part of it because of the first part. In other words, I don't know how to explain this really well. Does the first part make the second part better or worse, or are they completely interdependent?
Billy: I don't know if it goes into that. That's a really good question. Here would be my theory. Take it for what it's worth. I think that the ‘in love’ portion, those first two years—
Brian: Okay, that's what we're calling it — the ‘in love’ portion.
Billy: Yeah, the euphoria of love, I think, that determines whether or not you're sexually compatible, that you have an attraction to each other in that way. Then when that wears off, do you still find that person interesting enough to continue on getting to know?
Brian: Very interesting.
Billy: Here's an example. I have dated girls who spoke all of my love languages. But after about five, six months, they just weren't interesting or compelling to me anymore. Amazing sexual chemistry, but after a while, it was missing the interesting conversations and that sort of thing. So, I was just like, "You know what? This is such a vanilla relationship outside of this one thing that we do for several minutes, that sort of thing." I liked that they were able to fill my love bucket, as they call it in the book, which I liked. They were able to fill that up, but the intellectual stimulation was not there.
Brian: Step back a little. You can go for a couple minutes?
Billy: Remember, they do give your dog Viagra if it has pulmonary hypertension. So, I've got those still stored up at any given time. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to take a quick break. Then when we come back, we're going to talk about what the love languages actually are. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis.
(break)
Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. If you're enjoying what you've heard so far, please do us a favor and hit the subscribe button. Also, giving our show a quick five-star review with a few kind words helps us on our quest to reach the top of the podcast charts. Finally, since you can't make a mixtape for your friends and loved ones like you used to do, share this podcast with them instead. We hope our experiences resonate with others and inspire people to live their best lives. Thanks again.
And now, let's take a minute to be present with our breath. If you're listening somewhere safe and quiet, close your eyes and slowly inhale for 4, 3, 2, 1. Hold for 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly exhale for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Let's do that one more time. Inhale for 4, 3, 2, 1. Hold for 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly exhale for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Go ahead and open your eyes. You feel better? We certainly hope so. And now, back to the show.
(interview)
Billy: Welcome back to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. Brian, did you end up taking that quiz or no?
Brian: I did. I did end up taking the quiz.
Billy: All right. So, what are your — oh, there you go. You got your percentages.
Brian: My primary love language is physical touch.
Billy: That's very common for men. They talked about that in The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine. If you missed those episodes, go back and listen to all three of those.
Brian: But words of affirmation and quality time are almost equal to the physical touch. It's the acts of service and the receiving gifts that are low for me.
Billy: Okay. So, what are your percentages?
Brian: 32% physical touch. Receiving gifts is 3%. Acts of service is 13%. Quality time is 23%. Words of affirmation is 29%.
Billy: We're pretty similar. So, if I recall, quality time is my number one. I think it's like 33%. Words of affirmation and physical touch are tied at 27%. Acts of service is 13%, and gifts is 0%.
Brian: Wow.
Billy: So, here's a perfect example of that. We're going to actually start with gifts. It says here that gifts are physical symbols of love. Giving gifts is one of the easiest ways to express your love, which I agree — to buy somebody a gift. Don't you buy somebody. You should buy somebody a gift and just say, "Hey, this is for you." Dr. Chapman recommends to make a list of the types of gifts your partner has talked about wanting in the past.
Brian: If that's their love language.
Billy: If that's their love language, correct. Yep, if that's their love language. Remember, too, this is a real key component here. Those love languages are yours. But Lyn's love languages could be something completely different. Your default would be to want to show her physical affection, but that might be low on her. So, you have to figure out what hers are.
Brian: I just sent her the quiz. I said, "Take this right now."
Billy: There you go. Awesome.
Brian: We'll see if she comes back before the show’s over. If not, we have to follow up next week.
Billy: Yes, absolutely. That would be a sweet follow up right there.
Brian: I thought so, too.
Billy: Again, you're always taking it to another level.
Brian: That's what I do, man.
Billy: All you do is remind me of how lonely I am.
Brian: Oh my God.
Billy: I actually had a really nice video chat with a woman yesterday. So, who knows if that goes anywhere?
Brian: Billy, we got to do an episode just about dating, I think.
Billy: We actually are going to do an episode. We're actually going to bring on Sally Kathryn, who is a love coach out of Montreal, Quebec.
Brian: Whoa. Okay.
Billy: She's going to be on next week's episode.
Brian: Okay. I obviously can't yell at you for being slow on the draw here. Because you're like, "How about next episode?"
Billy: Yeah, man. Here's what I'm wondering. Is the pheromones that you bought me on Amazon, are those on their way?
Brian: Not yet. I don't know where they ended up.
Billy: Okay. We have to make sure that we get those, because that would be you giving me a gift. That would be the 0% that I appreciate. So, it also says here, if you're a saver, this might be difficult. If you're somebody who doesn't like to spend money, it might be difficult. So, Dr. Chapman recommends that you should look at it as it's an investment into your love and into your relationship, because it fills your partner's love tank.
Then he also says you can give the gift of self just by being present. That actually ties into quality time as well. So, here's a perfect example of how this is a 0% for me. We talked about this, I think, in the first episode. I don't buy my nieces and nephews gifts. I stopped doing that. We do experiences. We spend quality time together. So, we go to plays. We go to musicals. We go out to eat. Those are their gifts for the holidays. So, that's how I show it. When I was dating somebody — we dated for five and a half years — we just said, "Let's not buy each other gifts. That's ridiculous. Let's go out to eat."
Brian: Because it fills neither of your love cups. So, if you can communicate about that and say, "Hey, this is not working for us," we don't have to do it. My wife and I are the same way. I will bet when hers comes back, she will have a zero or very low gifts.
Billy: Even with my family, I don't like doing gifts for my mom or my dad. My sisters, we stopped exchanging gifts a long time ago. I actually think my middle sister, though, is a gift giver. I think I would be curious to see if she scores high on there.
Brian: You know what? Before my wife's results come back, I should write down what I think her results are going to be, too, percentage wise. Right?
Billy: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, let's do that to start the next segment. That's a good idea. See, this is stream of consciousness, people. We just have good ideas flowing non-stop.
Brian: More so, we're just naturally this talented people. Okay? You're seeing it right here. The creative process, we peel the banana and are showing you raw bananas. So, look at our bananas right now.
Billy: That is our gift to you. So, Dr. Chapman recommends that you try a parade of gifts. Maybe do something small in the morning, something small in the afternoon, and something small in the evening. Maybe try giving your spouse a gift each day for a week. So, you just do something small for a week, and maybe you do something grand on the last day of it.
He suggests, you can let nature be your guide. So, just look for things in nature. Maybe that flower or something that you saw that your significant other would appreciate. It says, discover the value of handmade valuables. Listen here. If we ever started dating, and you make me a handmade valuable, that will be the last gift.
Brian: Don't play pot, Billy.
Billy: Oh, my gosh. Because I try to live minimally as much as I can. When people give me gifts, it's just clutter. I was like, "Please stop." Give a gift idea. Notebook — that's actually a good idea or even have a gift idea. Notebook, it's something where you can write down as you're thinking about, "Oh, I heard my significant other mentioned this. I should write that down."
Ask a friend or family member or one of your significant others friends or family members for help. Like, "Hey, what have they talked about? What have they said, they wished that I would buy them," that sort of thing? Or you can also — when it talks about being the gift of present, just being present. you can get your spouse a book. Maybe it's something that they've wanted to read for a while, and then you also read it. Then that way, you can do a little bit of quality time for it.
Next, for both of us here, is acts of service. That's the second lowest for both of us. Now, this is a little bit more detailed. This is a little bit more complicated. Because if you don't do it right, it can come off as being bossy. So, it's important that we request acts of love and not demand them, because love is a choice. We cannot coerce people to love us.
It says here that people tend to criticize their partner based on what their need for love is. So, the right question, Doctor Chapman recommends that what you need to do is, instead of becoming nagging, it's to instead make it a request. Then he says, performing acts of service will require us to examine gender role stereotypes. I thought that was really important that we step out of, "Well, the woman takes care of that," or, "The man takes care of that."
Well, what are some things that your significant other does that you know they just hate doing, but they do it because they think they have to because they're the man, or they're the woman? Then instead, you do it. You take care of it. That could be an act of service, an act of love.
Brian: I'm just going to say this right now. If you're still out there worried about what's a man's job, and what's a woman's job, just stop it.
Billy: You got to move out of your cave.
Brian: Stop.
Billy: Yeah.
Brian: That's idiocy.
Billy: Dr. Chapman, he always gives these great recommendations. I strongly recommend this book. Like I said, I'll tell you, any book that we talk about on here, I'm going to strongly recommend. Because we wouldn't talk about it if we didn't think that it would improve your life in some way. Like I said, I thought that this whole love languages stuff was nonsense. Then I read the book, and I learned more about it. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I need to understand this, and I would want my partner to understand as well."
Brian: It's really putting context or a framework around stuff that's traditionally in the ether. You can't put your finger on love. But this gives it structure and organizes your thoughts around it, which is why I think it's valuable.
Billy: It kind of comes back to — as I reflect on the two years of euphoria — when that finally wears off, that you have to put in this work.
Brian: I got to be honest with you. I've had pizzas that have caused that two-year euphoria.
Billy: Where? Where have you had a pizza that was that amazing?
Brian: Oh, my gosh. Giordano's did that to me. There was one down in Chicago. I'm at a loss for the name right now. It was a little stand on the corner, and I can picture the joint. I don't remember what the name was, but that pizza was really good.
Billy: Here is an act of service and a gift that I will accept. If somebody will go to — I think it's the West Village or it's in that area in New York. Grab me a slice of Artichoke Pizza.
Brian: That's good.
Billy: Have you had? I'm talking about the restaurant. The restaurant is called Artichoke Pizza.
Brian: Oh, I thought just artichokes on it, which is great.
Billy: It's a white sauced pizza. Really, really good. If you can't make it there, just go up the street to Bleecker Street Pizza. Bleecker Street Pizza is fresh ingredients every single day.
Brian: You know, one pizza I did really fall in love with that's no longer around, and I don't know why, I don't know if you ever had this, when it was over in St. Paul. It was a joint called Spudza. What they did, regular pizza crust — like you were saying — white sauce, potatoes on top of the crust, in between the cheese and the crust. It was the best.
Billy: Wow.
Brian: It was so good. Between their sauce, and then you throw pepperoni and normal pizza toppings on it. Unbelievable. I'm sad that it's gone.
Billy: I'm sad that I never had it. It sounds good. Side note, also, since we're continuing on tangents here. If you bring me a deep dish pizza, I'm going to drown you in it.
Brian: Really? You don't like to deep dish? See, I'm all about Detroit or deep dish like Giovanni's.
Billy: I want a thin slice. I want a New York slice of pizza.
Brian: Oh, wow. See, I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum. If it's four feet thick, I'll try to tackle it.
Billy: That then leads me to conclude that this pizza recommendation that you had, I'm glad that it's closed. Fuck that place. Back to acts of service. He says here that, make a list of all the requests your partner has made in the last few weeks. Ask your partner to make a list of things that they would like you to do. Ask them to prioritize it for you. Recruit your kids to do a little act of service, as well.
All right. Has your partner nagged you about something recently? How can you rewrite what they said in words that are less offensive? Meaning, they don't sound so aggressive in the request? If you got money, you can hire somebody to do that job. They'll probably work out better for you if you're not very handy like me. You can ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service that they would really like you to do. What are the acts that would say I love you? Those little things mean a lot.
Then finally here, he suggests that you can ask your partner, "What act of service would you like me to take care of this week?" Just little things like that. So, that old honey do list, that really can speak to love. I don't think we have to tackle too much about physical love. I think that's pretty explanatory.
Brian: No, I think we should describe it graphically.
Billy: Well, I feel like our friend, Sara, did a wonderful job of doing that.
Brian: Yeah, just go back and listen to it. If you haven't heard the Sara podcast yet, get on it, people.
Billy: Just to clarify, the male sex drive episode — the Sarah Rudell Beach episode, go back and listen to that if you want to learn more about how mindfulness can help you navigate some of the emotions that you may be feeling. But if you're interested in learning more about the male sex drive, and if you're interested in learning what a person's sexual appetite sounds like, go ahead and listen to that episode. We all talked about the importance of physical touch.
So, he recommends here, just holding your partner's hand as you go for a walk, touching them on the knee or the foot during dinner or maybe while you are watching a movie on the couch. Give your partner a hug. That's honestly one thing that I miss right now. Just in general, it's hugs. I just miss hugs. Hugs are really great.
Brian: Yeah, I've missed the vibrating panties. I'm just kidding.
Billy: Oh, those are — see, those are on Amazon.
Brian: You don't need those yet. Maybe once when the pheromones come in, the panties will come in handy.
Billy: There we go. That's very true. Initiate a shoulder massage. I always love a good head scratch.
Brian: Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Billy: I love sitting in front of somebody, and they're sitting behind me, and they give the old head scratch with the nails.
Brian: Have you seen those devices that go over your head?
Billy: I have, but it's just not the same.
Brian: Oh, it's not the same. But I'm talking a person operates them. So, it's got 12 or so tines on it with little balls at the end. It fits perfectly over your cranium. There's a little handle on it. So, when you're pushing it down, it strokes the head and then you back it up. It’s pretty neat.
Billy: That would be kind of nice. Then if you really want to go big and be romantic, meet at the door. Hug and kiss as they walk through the door. Those are all ways that you can express love through physical touch, if that's what your partner's love language is.
Now, words of affirmation is my next one. This is actually tied with physical touch. I'm the youngest child, and I'm the only boy. So, it makes sense that I like attention and affirmation. My sisters would agree with that as well. Compliments and powerful affirmations of love. I'm someone who likes a genuine compliment. I'm going to tell you, Brian, that one of the reasons that I love you is because you are always complimentary after we get done with the show. One of my great joys is when we get done interviewing a guest, and you were just blown away. You say, "Great job picking that guest." That just fills me up. It fills my love bucket up.
Brian: That's good. See, I didn't even know that. I've got an automatic radar when it comes to love languages.
Billy: Well, we'll see. Because I see you've got your percentages over there. You even get percentages down.
Brian: I do. I bet I nailed it. I know it pretty well.
Billy: Yeah, I should hope so. It says here that when we receive affirming words, we are far more inclined to reciprocate. I'm no lie. This makes me creepy, and I understand that. But I'm someone who will compliment random strangers out and about. If they have really cool glasses or really cool shoes, or if their hair just looks nice — it's not just females either, just to be clear. If someone has a cool look about them, I will compliment them. I just think it's nice to say something pleasant to other people. So, I'm definitely one of those.
Brian: I do, too. I could go either way with that, as far as it being creepy or not. It really depends on what the compliment is.
Billy: That's true. I try. Usually, it's just something small and innocuous. I'm not trying not to compliment body parts or anything like that.
Brian: I was just going to say not like, "Oh, baby, that's some junk in that trunk."
Billy: Yeah, I definitely don't do that. There's no cat calling involved.
Brian: That's just wrong. I was going to say, yeah, don't do that.
Billy: Agreed. Encouraging words, they inspire courage. It's just another form of affirmation. Like, "Hey, you can do this. I believe in you." Those are encouraging words. Your words maybe the spark that gets your spouse to take the first step to do something that helps them grow. Really, we should be trying to uplift our partner. We should really be encouraging them to pursue greatness, whatever that looks like.
It says here that the words won't have effect, though, unless the desire is there from the other person. Otherwise, it's going to feel like nagging and pestering. So, if you're like, "You should really go for this. You should really do this," if they themselves aren't feeling it, then it's just going to feel like you're on their case. So, that's a delicate line to walk right there.
The reason why we don't do it is because we lack courage sometimes. That often holds us back. But those encouraging words may push our partner towards future success. We must use kind words, and the tone of our voice must be genuine. I think that's really important to recognize tone. We've talked about in emails, sometime, people, they misread the tone of an email. So, we need to make sure that we choose our words, and we choose our tone very carefully.
Love doesn't keep score or bring up past failures. So, you don't need to worry about that when you're affirming somebody with words. It says, too often, we pollute a potentially wonderful day by inviting what happened yesterday. So, what happened yesterday is yesterday. It's in the past. Let's move on. Let's grow from it. New day, new words of affirmation.
It says here that the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. That's something that Tom Cody talked about. That's why we experience burnout. Maybe you're experiencing burnout in your job. You might be feeling burnout in your relationship, because you don't feel appreciated. That's where those words of affirmation may be able to spark a little bit more love and joy in your partner. So, be mindful of that. If your partner seems down, they may not feel appreciated. Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's just work. Helping them recognize where they can be successful, and that they are doing the best that they can.
It says here that if you're not somebody who uses a lot of words, when you see words of affirmation, write them down. So, you can send little notes. Notes work, too, if you're not somebody who does a lot of talking. Use words of affirmation about your partner to others, and in front of your partner in front of others. Tell your children how amazing your partner is. Those are all important things to do. You can also set a goal to give your partner a different compliment once a day for a month, 30, 31 compliments. Maybe you do it in February, if you're running short on compliments. But give your partner a different compliment, a genuine compliment, once a day for a month. We talked about writing letters. Compliment your partner in the presence of her parents. That's an important one. Look for your partner's strengths, and compliment those. Your partner will strive to reach those strengths. So, that's important, too.
So, let's get the quality time here, because that's where Brian and I fall. A lot of notes here in quality time. Dr. Chapman talks about that quality time is not sitting in front of the TV time. Actually, turn off the TV and give each other your full, focused attention. It's about togetherness and not proximity. Because the activity is the vehicle for emotion of togetherness. So, watching TV is what you're doing to be together. But you need to turn that off so that you are focusing on one another. You want to have quality conversation.
Now as I think about it, when I talk about looking for someone who is intellectually stimulating, I think that's where that falls in. It's that quality conversation, sharing sympathetic dialogue, asking questions to know desires and ambitions, and to challenge each other, and to stimulate each other intellectually. That's where that quality time is. Now as I think about it, there was a relationship where the words of affirmation there and the physical touch was there but the quality time in terms of that quality conversation, I think, that's what was lacking now that I think about it.
Brian: And it happens to be right where you need more of.
Billy: Yeah, exactly. So, it says here, when you're sitting down, give them your undivided attention. Maintain eye contact. Tell them when you can't give them your full, undivided attention. That's important, too. Communicate. Listen, I know this is important to you right now. I want to give you my full attention. I'm just not in a space to do that.
Listen for feelings and ask yourself, what emotion is my partner experiencing? Listen to understand. Remember, men, our inclination is to solve the problem. That is not necessarily what women are looking for. Women are looking to communicate the emotion. They're not looking for you to save the day. They are just looking to communicate the emotion with you. So, keep that in your mind, too. Observe body language, and refuse the temptation to interrupt. We only listen for 17 seconds before we interject. So, listen to understand. Don't listen to respond. I'll be honest. I struggle with that quite a bit, because I have a lot to say and I'm super interesting.
Brian: Oh, yeah, you are.
Billy: Thank you. Thank you for those words of affirmation.
Brian: See, I can do that.
Billy: I appreciate that.
Brian: Yeah.
Billy: It says here, you're learning to talk to your partner is about self revelation. It gives you an opportunity to be more vulnerable with your partner. Expressing your thoughts is different from expressing your feelings. We must come become aware we are emotional creatures. It's okay to have emotions. So, we should discuss those. It's important to take it in emotional inventory. Maybe you do that every two, three hours throughout the day, where you just kind of sit down and you're saying, "Hey, this is what I'm feeling right now." You can even document that. That's something that Dr. Chapman recommends.
He uses this analogy that a dead sea takes, but does not give. So, if you're just listening and listening and listening, and you're not sharing anything, then you become what's called a dead sea. We need to reciprocate communication. If your partner is going to open up, the expectation is that you're going to open up as well. So, quality time activities. Ask yourself, "I feel most loved by my spouse when we do this together." In doing that, you're creating memory banks for years that you will look back on fondly.
So, here are some things that he recommends in terms of how to do quality time. You could camp out in front of the fireplace, if you have one of those right. Maybe you just sit, and you're listening to some music, but you're doing it intentionally. So, we used to have a gangster rap night with Matt Hazard and our good friend, Zeb.
Brian: Yeah, that was that quality time.
Billy: That was quality time. Because what it was, was Zeb would play a song. Then he would introduce it, and then we would listen to it. We would take it in. Then Matt Hazard would play a song, and then I would play a song. We would just do that all night. We were like, oh. Then we started talking about the song. Do you remember this? Really, it wasn't so much about the song as it was about let's talk about the experiences around the song or the stories around this song.
Brian: It connected you guys because of similar experiences. Exactly.
Billy: Absolutely. Take a weekend getaway. Share events of the day. Talk about things, just your day in general. Here's the reality. Most days are mundane, but you can still talk about the moments in your day that were highlights. Maybe you can talk about moments of your day that were low lights, and you can spin them into learning experiences with your partner. Maybe make a lunch appointment with your partner. Take a walk around a city park, or walk a rose garden. Those kinds of things. Take a stroll with the children, or go to your old childhood neighborhood, and ask questions about their childhood.
Brian: Or build an army of robots that you can use to take over countries together. Is that quality time. Did I hit it right?
Billy: I think so, yeah. Yeah, I think that's what they're working on in North Korea right now.
Brian: Robots with lasers.
Billy: Lasers.
Brian: Right.
Billy: Those are ways that you can spend quality time. I'll tell you that, again, this is starting to sound like a love affair that I have with Brian. It kind of is. But I look forward to our Friday nights together because this is our quality time together. Here's what I'll say. Most of the times that we've hung out in the past, you were playing.
Brian: Yeah.
Billy: Then when it's during the set break, you're bopping around. You're talking to a lot of people.
Brian: Yeah, I have to talk to everybody, right? Yeah, you got to make the rounds.
Billy: Absolutely. So, this has been a fun way for us to connect. I feel like we've gotten to know each other significantly more over this time than we've been recording. So, I have greatly enjoyed this quality time. So, we're going to take another break. Brian and I are going to lay on the couch and make out for a little bit.
Brian: Just a little.
Billy: When we come back, we are going to talk about 'the how' of love languages. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis.
(break)
Thanks for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. We will do our best to put out new content every Wednesday to help get you over the midweek hump. If you'd like to contact us, or if you have suggestions about what you'd like us to discuss, feel free to email us at mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or follow us on Instagram @mindful_midlife_crisis. Check out the show notes for links to the articles and resources we referenced throughout the show. Oh, and don't forget to show yourself some love every now and then, too. And now, back to the show.
(interview)
Billy: Welcome back to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. Brian, it sounds like Kathlyn has responded with the results of her love language test. So, how about this? What did you guess were her love languages, and what percentages did you have?
Brian: Okay. I had physical touch. I thought she would go 15%. Receiving gifts, 3%. Acts of service, 20%. Quality time, 30%. Words of affirmation, 32%. Now, that's what I guessed.
Billy: Right. Okay. So, to recap here. Words of affirmation, you thought was going to be your highest
Brian: 32, yep.
Billy: Quality time.
Brian: 30
Billy: Followed by?
Brian: Acts of service.
Billy: Followed by physical touch and then gifts.
Brian: You got it.
Billy: Got it. Okay. Then what was her actual test results?
Brian: Her actual test results were, quality time was the number one. That was at 29%. I guessed it at 30%.
Billy: That's pretty good. That's a good guess.
Brian: Then acts of service was her second one. I guessed that at 20%. It was actually 26% where she ended up
Billy: Pretty good.
Brian: Quality time then was 29. Oh, I'm sorry. Quality time — I said 29%. It's 26%. Then we're at 19%, which is words of affirmation. So, I had words of affirmation at 32%. She had 19%. That was the big Delta right there.
Billy: Interesting.
Brian: Obviously, receiving gifts was last. I had guessed 3%. She went with 6%. Then physical touch, I had it at 15%. The actual was 19%.
Billy: Which one was which one was the outlier?
Brian: It was words of affirmation. I had guessed words of affirmation at 32%, and 19% is where she actually came in.
Billy: So, why do you think words of affirmation was such an outlier? Why did you put it up higher than what she actually scored?
Brian: Mostly because she always seems to respond to me when I do that. So, I thought that's going to be a big important thing to her. But in the actual implementation, in the questions, the practice of it, it turns out it's not as important as I thought it was to her.
Billy: So then, where is words of affirmation for you?
Brian: Words of affirmation, for me, is — let's see here. I've got to go back to my results, which is right here. Okay. Words of affirmation for me was 29%.
Billy: Okay.
Brian: Right behind physical touch.
Billy: So, this is what's interesting. The way that we show love doesn't always match up with the way we receive love.
Brian: Yep.
Billy: So, I wonder if in your head, you were thinking, "Well, because I like words of affirmation and I showed her words of affirmation, and she responds to that, then that must mean that she also likes words of affirmation."
Brian: Sure. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's the case.
Billy: That's an interesting thing, too. They didn't go a whole lot into this in the book that I can remember anyway. But they do talk about just because physical touch, you showing me love through physical touch, or through quality time, I may show it to you differently. Maybe instead of physical touch and quality time, I might show it through words of affirmation. But usually, those two things line up.
The book says to take a look at what your partner doesn't do to feel your love languages, so you can figure out what your love languages are if you don't want to go and take the test. I would just say just take the test. Then think about, does that actually line up? Do you agree with the results? I'm guessing you agree with your own results.
Brian: I do. I've got an interesting tag to this as well. Because I'm going to pull back the curtain here a little bit. We did this over a course of a month, like a month ago. Since she and I discussed the love languages as well and what was important to us, I've since changed my behavior to focus a little more on acts of service.
Billy: Interesting.
Brian: It works really well.
Billy: So, what are some things that you have been doing more of in terms of acts of service?
Brian: Mostly, just helping with the boys. If there's something to be done, and I see it, I'll go after it now. You know what I mean? I always helped a lot. But now I'm even more conscious of it. Since I know that's important to her, I've changed my behavior a little bit. It really worked. We're closer than ever over the course of this last month. I mean, it's crazy. But it worked.
Billy: That's interesting. Now I want to dive into this a little bit. So, what are some things that you weren't doing as much before in helping out with the boys that you're doing now that you feel Kathlyn really appreciates?
Brian: It's really hard to specify because it's different every day. Whether it be — I guess, I don't even have an example. Because there's a million things a day, literally. I don't know. To be honest with you, I can't specifically say, "Oh, this is the one act of service I did." No, there's been 200. So, it's really hard to say.
What I did do, though, is now that I know it's important to her, I think I'm a little more aware of it and look for more opportunities to do acts of service.
Billy: Are these things things that you catch on your own?
Brian: Yes.
Billy: These are not things that Kathlyn's like, "Hey, Brian, I need you to do this"?
Brian: No way. No.
Billy: Then, I guess it'd be almost interesting to ask Kathlyn. Has she told you, "Wow, I've really noticed that you've helped out with the boys lately, and I really appreciate that"?
Brian: Like I said, it's tough because I always did. I've always been super involved. But again, it made me pay attention to opportunities that possibly I was missing before. I think that's the best way to put it.
Billy: Excellent. That's fun to know. That's good that you are applying it, and you're actually seeing the benefits of that in your own relationship with your wife.
Brian: Honestly, on the flip side of things, she looked at mine and changed behavior a little bit, too, such as physical touch was my number one. Lately, when we're sitting on the couch, she'll throw her hand on my arm or something like that. Whereas before, she wasn't as apt to do that. It's great.
Billy: That's awesome. Well, there we go. Again, these things, we're just reading these books and sharing what our experiences are. Don't take our word for it. Read the book yourself, and find out whether or not it makes the difference. Like what Brian said, the fact that you had a conversation about it, to me, it suggests that you have a healthy communication with your wife.
Brian: Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I brought it right out to her. I said, take this test. You got to take this. Of course, she was really excited about it because she's very invested in the relationship. Of course, she wants it to be as good as it can be. So, she was very receptive to it as well. Honestly, like you said, if you guys doubt this stuff at all, just try it. What can it hurt?
Billy: Yeah, what do you have to lose here?
Brian: Exactly.
Billy: It says that you can ask yourself how you consciously express love to your partner. Again, if you haven't taken the test, or you don't have time to take the test, maybe you're just listening to this and in your car, you can ask yourself, "How do I consciously express love to my partner?" That might clue you into what your love language is?
It says here how to discover your love language. Again, you can just go to that test. I think it's just like www.lovelanguages.com. Maybe not. But you can Google love languages and love languages test. Make sure you do the one that's on Dr. Chapman's website. That one will give you a more specific information. You have the information there. What is it?
Brian: I do. The information for the website is the 5 Love Languages Quiz, www.5lovelanguages.com. So, it's the number five, followed by lovelanguages.com.
Billy: There you go. Check that out. This is not a paid promotion, by the way.
Brian: Although if they want to pay us—
Billy: Right. I feel like Dr. Chapman is doing very well for all of this. This isn't a new concept. But Dr. Chapman, if you're out there and you're listening, we'll take $20 or a free love languages seminar.
Brian: You know, that would be good, or just come on our show.
Billy: Yeah. Oh, that would be good, too. Reach out to us, Dr. Chapman, if it's good news. So, he suggests here, asking these questions. What does your spouse do or not do that hurts you deeply? The opposite is probably your love language. So, what have you most often requested of your spouse that would suggest to you what your love language is? In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
Now, if your love tank has been full for a long time, it may be hard to recognize what your love language is. That's actually a really good point. I think it's that ignorance makes you bliss sort of thing. So, if the person that you're with has really been attentive to filling your love tank and making you feel valued, then you may not even know what your love languages are. It just comes naturally to you.
Brian: Consider yourself very lucky.
Billy: Absolutely. Because the opposite can also be true. I'm someone who has been in this situation before. Because if you're feeling empty, you may not know what makes you feel. You may not remember what makes you feel loved. So, if you're in that situation, think about what is it that I'm actually missing from my relationship? Which one of these five love languages is not being met? That need for love is where love languages keep the tank full once the ‘in love’ phase passes.
Again, that is so important. To me, that is one of the most valuable pieces of information that I got from this book — that we run on this, the momentum of being in love at the beginning of the relationship. That's why the honeymoon phase from six months to two years, everything just seems so carefree. Everything just seems so perfect. Then after that, you start seeing the other person maybe for who they really are. It's important then to have these conversations about, "Hey, how are we filling each other's love tank?" You guys need to do checks every now and then. It's important to ask yourself and ask your partner. How full is your love tank tonight? How full is my love tank tonight on a scale of 1 to 10? What could I do in order to fill your love tank?
Dr. Chapman recommends that from time to time asking your partner, "How can I be a better partner for you," and openly listen to that feedback. It's important to listen to that feedback and not get defensive about it, because your partner's feelings are valid.
Brian: It's also important not to sound like a creep when you say it. Because if you go, "I'm going to fill your love tank, baby," then I think — there are ways of saying it that you don't want to say. Let me fill your love tank, darling.
Billy: Do not do your best Elvis Presley or your worst Elvis Presley impression while making that statement right there. It should just be a genuine, "Hey, how can I fill your love tank?" Don't turn it into something dirty, unless that's what you're into. Then you go for it. Then you know what? Maybe physical touch is your love language right there.
Brian: Yeah, if she responds with, "Stick it in the tank, baby," then you're in.
Billy: Oh, man, which beautifully transitions to when our love tanks are empty, we seek out other people who will fill those tanks for us.
Brian: Oh, yeah, lots of gas nozzles around. You got to be careful sometimes
Billy: Oh, double entendres are just flying here. It's beautiful. It says here that few men leave their marriage until they have found someone else who is willing to fill their love tank.
Brian: Oh, yeah.
Billy: Or are in that in love phase with somebody else. Now listen, I'm going to tell you this. If your significant other is not filling your love tank, that is not reason for you to go and find somebody else to fill your love tank. How about have a conversation, like they suggested before that, instead of driving around and looking for the next best thing?
Brian: That's right. Putting your love gas in somebody else's tank.
Billy: Exactly. I imagine. I'm not married. Brian, as wonderful as your marriage sounds, I imagine that it's hard sometimes.
Brian: Yeah, not a bad person to ask about this. Because it's pretty easy for us.
Billy: You bastard. On the count of three, all listeners out there, just yell "Brian, you suck." Ready? 1, 2, 3. Brian, you suck. Okay.
Brian: It’s true. It's pretty easy for us, actually.
Billy: Okay. Well, listen, that's good. That's relationship goals right there.
Brian: Billy, we went on vacation for a week. We were stuck in a bus with just my wife and I, and the three little children. We didn't yell at each other at all or even argue.
Billy: That's really fantastic.
Brian: Yeah, it's crazy.
Billy: Well, that's good. That's good.
Brian: We're lucky.
Billy: Yeah, absolutely. But I imagine, it's because you guys communicate.
Brian: Oh, yeah, we communicate very, very well. Oh, yeah.
Billy: I feel like, down the road, we are going to have a Dr. Yvette Erasmus on. She is going to talk to us about the importance of how compassionate communication can lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations. I imagine that conversation is going to blow you all away.
Brian: We've heard the conversation. We're coming from — we do the shows a few weeks in advance. So, we've done this. Guys, you got to tune in for this one. It is mind blowing.
Billy: She's amazing. Again, it really comes down to the importance of communicating with your significant other. Ask yourself, what if your partner's love language isn't something that comes naturally to you? That probably happens. When that does happen, Dr. Chapman says that it's actually a deeper expression of love. For example, if I was dating somebody whose love language was gifts, that does not come naturally to me at all.
Brian: Me neither.
Billy: But if I want to show that person that I love them, and if that's how they feel loved, and that's what fills their love tank, then I'm going to have to pony up. Maybe on flowers here and there. I hate buying flowers. I think they're ridiculous. I think Valentine's Day is a ridiculous holiday.
Brian: Oh, yeah, it is.
Billy: I think Christmas is ridiculous. The gift giving and that sort of thing is ridiculous.
Brian: Commercialized now.
Billy: Yeah, but if that is something that my significant other values, then I need to have that conversation with them and say, "All right. This is something that's out of my comfort zone. What are some things that I could do that would fill that love tank for you, so that we can continue on with this relationship?"
We're going to wrap up here. What we want to reiterate to you is this. It's that true love liberates. Love creates a climate of security in which we seek answers to the things that bother us. When we come from a mindset of love, then we come from a more compassionate, a more empathetic point of view. Not a sympathetic point of view. Your partner is not looking for your sympathy. Your partner is looking for you to understand them.
The moral of the story, really, is whatever we practice, we get better at. So, why not practice love? Love the ones you're with. We've said it before. It's one of our favorite songs. You love the ones you're with. Check out what you can do in order to make connections with those around you. Because, again, like we said, whatever we practice, that's what we get better at. So, why not practice love?
With that, for Brian, this is Billy. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. May you feel happy, healthy, and loved. Take care friends.
(outro)
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