WTF is a "safe" human & why it makes you a better coach, leader, parent and human

self. I'm your host, Breanna may educator, CEO mindset and business mentor, and my mission is to teach the things we were never taught at school so that no dream is left on the pillow and no purpose left unfulfilled. Here, you can expect a lot of laughs and thought provoking conversations as we squeeze every drop of juice from this beautiful, precious, crazy thing called life. Hello, legend. Welcome back to another episode of the mind school podcast. I want to share

a win and a challenge. I think I said last episode, something I've been doing a little bit is reflecting on something that I'm slaying and something that I'm finding a bit challenging or trying to work on my win at the moment, it's not really a slay. It's not really like something I'm proud of or that I've achieved. It's just that I'm so fucking excited next weekend I have tickets to Cold Chisel with my mum and my dad and my brother. And I love Cold Chisel,

guys. I love Jimmy Barnes. If anyone was to look at my Spotify like recently played, they would truly think I have bipolar disorder. It's like Jimmy Barnes. There's a little bit of EDM. EDM, is that what it's called, EDM, electronic dance music, yeah. EDM, bit of trap, quite a lot of trap, quite a lot of like Bollywood, kind of Indian style hip hop. Love that for the gym, lot of meditation. I've got one soundtrack at the moment called ADHD, overstimulated. I actually

really love that playlist. It gets me so hyper focused, so good. Also, this is actually cute, and it's maybe a bit sad, but also really cute and really hopeful. I have a fertility playlist. And when I'm walking Simba and we're doing our laps around the park, there's this

song called prayed for you. And oh my god, I cry so much every time I listen to it, but I just sing it like in my head and sometimes out loud, which is probably really weird for the other people in the park that just see this lady like singing and crying with her headphones in, and I just communicate with my stubborn little unborn child. So have that. But anyway, my playlist is really all over the place, but Jimmy Barnes has to be one of my faves. It's just that nostalgic. I'm dancing with

my mom and dad. I've got so many good memories of it, and I'm so excited. So that's my win. I'm going to Jimmy Barnes next weekend. I'm so excited. My challenge is probably just having a lot of a mental load getting ready for the mind school. It's so much like I put so much attention to little silly details that only a teacher would probably understand, and that's just a big mental load. But I'm also I just love it, like it's a challenge, but it's also something I so love, and I'm so

excited to start. So that's a bit of a crappy challenge. Actually, here's a challenge, and I actually am asking you right now? You listening? Please actually help me with this. One of the challenges that I have, and I have had for quite some time, is solo recording. I am quite a people person. I am also a generator. Nope, sorry. I'm not even a generator. I'm a manifesting generator in human design. So I like to respond to

things. I like to have something to respond to when I'm in conversation, I find it flows better. I loved having a podcast host. I love having interviews. I love having someone in the room. I feel it's so much easier to do this whole podcast thing. So please let me know. I would really like to know, like truly, I would appreciate your feedback. Let me know, do you prefer solo episodes, or do you prefer guests? And how would you feel if I were to have just a co host, someone just for me to,

like, jam with? And you know, it's still the mind school podcast. It's still mine, because it's my baby, and it has been for four years, but someone just to, like, hold the energy with me so that I can respond to things. Let me know what you think, because that's actually a challenge, and I've been sitting with it for quite a while, and I'm coming up with a solution, but I have also heard lots of feedback that people love the

solo ranty Ravy ones. So let me know, because you're the listener, and this is really for you. So let's get into the episode today. We're diving into something that is actually going to make such a huge difference in the way that you coach if you're a coach, the way that you lead, if you are a leader or a manager, or work in corporate and manage other people, and just in general, the way you show up in your relationships.

And I mean, this is so, so so important, whether you're a parent or a partner or a friend or. Talking about what it is to be a quote, safe human. And I know that that word doesn't sound super sexy. It's a bit eye Rolly, like, What do you mean a safe human? Of course I'm a safe human. Of course I'm a safe human, I'm not aggressive. Of course I'm a safe human, I don't beat people up. Of course I'm a

safe human, I'm not violent. But trust me, once you actually get it, once I unpack this, and once you see tiny little opportunities to be even more of a safe human, it's going to change the game. Literally being a safe human, a safe coach, especially if you're a coach, or even as a client, if you have a coach, or if you're a wife or husband or a friend, like I said, being a safe person makes

you more approachable. It makes you connect with others on a deeper level, and it makes your relationships so much more profound, so much more meaningful. It means people will come to you if you're a parent, being a safe parent, holy moly, this is the parents who have the relationships with their kids, who come straight to them and go, Mum, I fucked up. I need you to help me, Mum, I fucked up. What am I going to do? As opposed to, I'm not telling mum, she'll fucking she'll grill me.

I'm going to not tell anyone, and they go and do silly things. Being a safe mother, being a safe human, being a safe coach, like I said, it changes everything. So we're going to unpack what the fuck does it actually mean to be a safe human, and why does it make you better at everything? Like, actually everything, it makes

you a better human. So first of all, I want you to think of the person in your life, who is your safe space, who is your safe space, who is the person that you're just like, Oh, my God, big exhale. Who's the person that makes you feel like you can just, oh, you know that feeling, the feeling of like, bra off, hair up, oh, safety. That feeling, who makes you feel like they love you, warts and all. And have a think about like, what is it about that person?

What is it about that person that has made you feel that feeling of safety? So if we define a safe human, it is someone who others can trust emotionally, who creates a non judgmental space and who makes others feel seen and heard and respected. So let's break that down just a little bit more, someone who others can trust emotionally. How do you know if you're somebody who people trust with their emotions? Well, this will be no surprise if you've listened to my work or done any

of my programs. How you will know if people can feel safe around you to hold their emotions is, how safe are you with your own emotions, that's the first thing to look at. When emotions come up for you. Do you feel like you need to get rid of them really quickly? Do you feel frustrated that they've arrived? Do you feel like it's unproductive and annoying? Do you quickly try to dust yourself off without giving any space for

you to feel feelings? If you do this to yourself, it is likely that this is probably how you'll respond to others, because you can't give what you don't have. So if you're somebody who gets frustrated when there's high emotions internally, if somebody comes to you with a big emotional thing, you're probably going to go straight to fix it mode, you're probably going to feel quite uncomfortable, and it

won't be conscious. You won't realize this consciously, but you'll go straight to fix it mode, straight to Problem Solver mode, because subconsciously, you're just trying to get rid of this uncomfortable emotion because you don't like it. You don't like it with yourself. And therefore when other people come with you, you deal with it in the same way. And actually, believe it or not, when somebody is coming to you with a deep emotional issue, when somebody is coming to you, and they just

need to be heard. Because that was the other part of being a safe human. You make others feel seen and heard. The last thing that person wants is a problem solver. That actually makes those people if I go to someone and something has just happened to me, and it is fresh, it is super fresh, and I've just heard, let's say, for example. And this happens a lot with the fertility game, right? You've just heard some really bad news, or something really heartbreaking has just happened.

If I go to someone and they instantly go, Well, why don't we do this? And why you could do this and at least this, and they go straight into optimism and positivity, and let's fix it. I will shut down, and I will not want to go to that person anymore, because all I wanted, it's like, I know what to do. I actually do. But the second somebody cuts me short of feeling my feelings and just having a moment to just be and just feel it, that's when I

would personally shut down. And a lot of people do if something has just happened and they come to you with something and you instantly try to problem solve that person won't feel safe to bring deep emotional things to you. So how do you cope with your own emotions? And how do you cope when other people have big emotional releases or just need to be held? The other part to that, being a safe human so somebody who others can trust emotionally, who creates non judgmental spaces.

This is another opportunity for us to clean our ACT UP. So how do we become non judgmental spaces? Well, we have to practice being non judgmental, which I would argue every human is judgmental. We can't not be let's be real. It's nice and love and light to be like, ah, non judgment. But we do judge. It's about whether or not you can understand that you're being judgmental and withdraw it and create a safe space like I say, I don't believe that we can ever be completely non judgmental.

It's in our DNA. It's in our biology. It's in the way that we are programmed we have to be able to make generalizations and judgments in order to stay safe. AKA, if you see a dodgy group of people across the road and they are, I don't know, maybe like they're drunk, maybe it looks like they've had drugs, maybe it looks like a big group of older men and you're alone and you're a little female, and they look they're yelling at each other and they're cat calling

whatever. You have to make a judgment call about whether or not you are safe so that you can protect yourself. So that's why I argue that you can't always be non judgmental. But if you're a self aware human, you can understand when you are being judgmental, firstly at yourself, because you create safety by being safe internally first. So notice when you're judging yourself, notice when you're judging others, and withdraw that projection, withdraw that judgment, so that you can create

a grounded space. So if you are not being safe, you're probably very judgy, aka, if somebody comes to you with something, you're like, how could you do that? Why did you do that? What were you thinking or you create you offer judgment, as opposed to just a place for people to be seen, heard and respected. So the other thing to that is this safe person makes you feel seen, heard and respected, something that might be a little bit of a red flag is, if you're somebody who goes, Oh, me too, I might

might. And you make it about yourself, and you turn it into your own thing, and you make it about you, that sometimes, again, this is very nuanced, and provide, I'm providing, like, lots of generalizations, and obviously there's context for everything. Sometimes that creates rapport to be like, Oh my god, me too. I get it, but if you turn it around and make it all about yourself, that person then has not had their opportunity to be seen, heard and respected. So that's what it

is to be a safe human. And the traits. Let's look at the traits of somebody who is safe, safe. Person typically has a lot of empathy. They can be really empathetic, and they can really get down on the ground with someone and be like, Fuck, man, I feel that with you, like that is fucking shit. And they are actively listening, aka, they are listening not to respond, but just to hear. They're just

actively listening. And when you're actively listening, you're showing with your body language that you're actually interested. How many of us have had the experience where you're actually sharing something quite important? You're sharing something that maybe it was just something from your day, and the person that you share it to is clearly not paying attention, or maybe they are, but their body language would suggest otherwise. Maybe they're looking

at their phone. Maybe you can tell by their facial posture or their facial expressions that they're actually thinking about something else. Their mind is somewhere else. When you know that somebody is not actively listening, you will again shut down that person is not safe. They are not creating a safe environment, and that, again, makes you an unsafe person. The other trait of a safe person is emotional regulation, so people who are highly regulated can hold space for somebody else's

emotions to come in. And that's why I say again and again and again, the most important work you can do to be a better coach, to be a better leader, to be a better mother, is to do this work internally and to work on yourself so that you have the capacity for others. If you aren't great with regulating yourself, you can't provide a safe space for others to process their emotions, because you will be overtaken by their emotions.

It's kind of like someone who is let's say you've got a parent who they feel everything that you feel, but almost more, and that's natural, and it's beautiful, and all of these

things. But if they become overwhelmed by your emotions, let's say you're panicking, and because you're panicking, they panic, and all of a sudden, it perpetuates the panic, as opposed to someone who can see you in your panic, who can maybe internally be feeling quite scared, but still hold an emotionally grounded place, hold space for that person to process, because they are providing the emotional anchor, the regulated anchor, for somebody to borrow and CO

regulate with. And so, like I said, the most important thing for you to do, to be a safe person and therefore have better relationships, better sex, better careers, better coaching businesses, is to do your work, to be emotionally regulated and to. Non judgmental as much as we can within yourself, or at least to withdraw them and to be trusting and allowing emotions to come up when and if they need to.

If I had to choose one word to describe my experience of mind, skill, it is limitless acceptance, life changing, enlightening, transformational, grounded, immense gratitude, soulful connection, truly amazing, freeing, soul, purpose, fulfilling, grateful, absolute deliciousness, empowering and liberating, transformational for all generations, fucking awesome. Being safe is not about being passive or agreeable. It's about being emotionally consistent and

available. This is a really important point, because I think when people consider or think about being an emotionally safe place, they think that they just have to agree with everything, and that actually isn't healthy for relationships at all, but it's about being available for someone to come to you, to be seen and heard, and being emotionally consistent. Not what am I going to get today? Not Who is she going to be today, not what version of this person am I going to get? Can I trust it?

Someone who is safe is someone who actually and you might even think of someone who is your safe space. They might not always agree with you, and they might even call you to higher standards. They might even call you out. I think of all my best friends and those people in my life, they fucking call me out if I'm being a dick. They will call me out if I'm not showing

up to my own standards. If I'm anything, they will call me out, and that's why I trust them, not because they're agreeing with everything, not because they're passive, not because it's like this sensitive, little dynamic where nobody can have oppositional beliefs or expressions or opinions heard. But it's about emotional consistency and the availability to have conversations without judgment and all those things we

just spoke about. So that's what it is to be a safe human Now, why is this going to make you a better coach? Well, a better coach if you're a coach, and by the way, you are a coach, a lot of the time, I have people say, like, am I a coach? Can I do the mind school? And my answer to that is whether or not you want to be a coach in the traditional sense, like I am. I have a business where I coach and I teach. I hold space for people. I do a lot of this work with my clients. A lot of mothers are

doing this work. A lot of leaders in work are doing this work. A lot of people in their businesses are doing this work. If you're a human who works with impacts or influences humans. You are therefore a coach. And so being a safe person makes you a better coach, because you create an environment where clients or the people that you lead feel comfortable being vulnerable and sharing what's really on their heart. They're not going to people please.

They're not going to say what you need to hear, and therefore real problems won't get addressed, and then they fester

and create resent. It creates an environment where people bring their true challenges to you, and when they can do this, when you can hold the space for people to bring what's real up to the surface, even if it's vulnerable, that actually leads to the most insane breakthroughs and the most transformative experiences in coaching sessions or in work or in conversations, like I said, even if you think of, for example, parent, child relationship, sometimes the most vulnerable conversations, if you

can create a safe space for a child to come with you and go, Mum, I'm thinking about having sex. I remember when I said that to my mum and she nearly had a car crash. I'll never forget it. Oh, bless her. I was so nervous. I was so nervous, but she had always created such a safe space that I was like, I'm nervous. This is vulnerable. I feel icky, but still, I could go and speak about it. And of course, you have really connecting conversations after that, so it 100% makes you a better coach.

It also is so critical in any leadership situation. So as a leader, whether this means that you are a manager, or you work in a position of quote power, or you lead a team, or you're, quote, a boss, I hate that word, but being a leader means you have to create a safe space for people to come and have open communication to encourage innovation, because for someone to be an innovator, think about this as a leader. Think about this as a teacher. Think about this as a manager. Your job is

to encourage innovation. For someone to be innovative, they need to be the first person. They need to pioneer something, they need to be like Trailblazer. But to be a trailblazer, to have initiative, and to be the innovator, you are the first person to do it, and that is vulnerable. That is a bit scary, to put your hand up and go, how about we do this random thing that nobody's ever done, and if you don't have an environment where people are encouraged and praised for that, you.

They're not going to do that, and therefore you're not going to get the best out of your team. And so how do you know if you are a safe leader or a safe team manager? How do you know if you have created this environment? Well, if you are somebody who needs to control, if you micromanage, if you kind of flip out and lose control of your emotions or your behaviors are a little bit unpredictable.

If you create a little bit of a totalitarian or dictator state where people are a little bit scared of you, that is the sign that you might be an unsafe leader, and therefore you're not going to get the most out of

your team. And so whether you lead a team within your coaching business, whether you lead a team at work, whether you lead a team, whether you're in control of family, whatever it is if you're micromanaging, if you're controlling, if you're unpredictable in your behavior, those are the red flags to look

out for. That would be an indicator that there is some work to do to become more of a safe space, and therefore, to get the most out of the people around you, I want to unpack a little bit more about how being safe makes you an even better parent. For those of you who are parents listening, and this is such a beautiful conversation that comes up, oh, it's my favorite part of the mind

school. Honestly, I know it's for coaches, kind of but it's also for so many other people, and my favorite takeaways are the ones from mothers who say just how this has impacted their relationships with their kids is so incredible. But one of the things I sort of wanted to point out about being a safe parent is very much everything I've already said, making sure you work on your emotional regulation, making sure that you

are a non judgmental place. You don't go straight into helicopter mode, you don't go straight into fix it mode. You don't judge, you don't shame. All of those things very obvious, right? However, there is a bit of a difference, of course, in the relationship between parent and child and the relationship, for example, with

coach. And although there are some similarities, but what is a big difference for the parent and child is that a parent actually is in a position of authority at for want of a better word, where they actually you actually are in control, and you actually do have to make calls for somebody else, and you actually are responsible to this human. When you're working with other adults, they're responsible to

themselves. But when you're working with children, yes, they're responsible at certain ages, but still, the burden falls on you as the responsible person, because this is what we call a vertical relationship. So if you think of vertical it's like up, down, high, low, sort of like a straight line up and

down. A vertical relationship is where there is a dynamic where one person is actually higher than, and I don't mean higher than in that way, but you understand and that would be where there is one vulnerable person and one person in a power or leadership position, like a parent and child, different to a horizontal relationship, for example, myself and my friend, we're both responsible. We're on the same level. That's a

different dynamic. So there's a few added extra bits that are something to consider in the relationship and parent dynamic, because you are in a vertical relationship, so slightly different rules apply. And the main thing is, parents actually have to put boundaries in place. Have put rules in place, and that actually can be one of the things that children need for

safety. Something that's really interesting is that a lot of kids will actually say they feel safer in environments where they know what the rules are, where they know what the expectations are, where they know what the boundaries are. When they don't have boundaries, they don't know how to act, and that actually creates a lot of unsafety for them. Super, super, super interesting, right? And I still was like, wow, so surprising. When I was a teacher on my last week, I actually got my year 12.

So I'd been with for five years. We were really tight, really, really close, and I said to them, guys, I want you to fill out this feedback form for me. And you know, I can't be offended, so just let loose. Say whatever you want to say. I want to improve always. I just want to know how I could be even better. I did this whole feedback form. I've still kept them. They're so awesome. I actually found them a while ago, and I was like, Oh, I love them.

They were all so beautiful. And there was really nothing negative or even like, there was a bit and this is what I'm getting to this is the point. It was like, We love you. You're the best. You're the most amazing teacher. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There was about four or five humans students who said, The only thing that I could say is that you could be a bit stricter. And I was like, isn't that interesting? These are high schoolers who everyone would think, you know, they want to go

crazy. And these kids were like, not, not your typical like, they weren't your nerds. They were definitely the Rule Breakers. These particular kids, they were. They had a bit of Riz, as they would say these days. They had a lot of career. Charisma, and they weren't necessarily like the top set kids. Therefore they were, you know, they were that bunch, and they were fucking cool. They were my favorite, the most

charismatic bunch ever. And so you would assume teenagers not really interested in in their academia, they were more of the like sportsy crew, all of that. They were just like, you could be a bit stricter. And that would be a surprise, right? Because you think teenagers want they don't want boundaries. I want to break rules. But all of the research in in that space, in education, and all of the research in parenting, actually suggests that kids feel more safe when they have boundaries.

Yes, they're still going to rub up against them. Yes, they're still going to put their heels in and they're still going to get and they're still want to go through a developmental age where it's part of the process for them to push boundaries, it's part of the process. It's their development, right? They will go through that season. However, that's the only difference that I wanted to point out. To be a safe parent that's really interesting a lot of people, especially in this

conscious parenting space. And I love it. There's so much beautiful stuff to this. But where I disagree is that, and this isn't all conscious parenting spaces. Some people will advocate for letting the child, you know, decide on absolutely everything and almost trying to reason with little ones who, quite frankly, don't have reasoning skills yet, that is, that is something that doesn't come until the amygdala is fully formed, executive function turns on. That's a whole thing. I won't rant about.

Kids at that age don't have the ability to actually reason. And so sometimes, in this softer, gentle, conscious parenting approach, which is fucking beautiful, and I love it, and I'm for it, and I'm for so much of it. However, some people might believe that they don't want to put boundaries and rules in place, because it's a collaborative environment. And yes, collaboration is great. The only thing that I would say as a little nuance is that boundaries with love, boundaries set with

love. And if you can, if that child is at an age where they can reason, where they can understand, where they can actually use logic to, sort of, you know, build their reasoning skills, you could explain why this rule or boundary is in place, but boundaries are actually one of the things that creates safety, not just for kids. Might I add, whether you're a coach or you're a leader, having boundaries lets

people know how to behave. Like, for example, anytime I start a coaching container, anytime I open a container, I express. I literally Express. This is how I communicate. This is how I won't communicate. This is literally, it is like listing, here's how we're going to coexist in this container, and that allows people to feel safe. It doesn't have them going, Oh, is this okay to do? Is this not okay to do? So that's that consistency

piece. Again, I mentioned before, having consistency and having boundaries and having quote rules, again, lack of a better word, can actually help to create safety, because people know how to engage and they can trust that there's going to be consistency in how they can show up, and that makes people feel

safer. So like I've I've just explained so many different things, but I want to just quickly wrap up with the ripple effect when you do this work and you just become aware of these slight little things that can be red flags or things for us all to work on. I used to be like, I'm a safe person, I'm not violent, I'm not la, la, la, la,

la. But then when I really, really went into this work and became a coach and studied this and all the things that come with it, there were so many opportunities for me to be even safer, for me to drop my ego, for me to drop my judgment, for me to be able to hold more emotional space without getting

frustrated. I thought I was a safe human, but actually I would get frustrated if somebody had an emotional process that I thought lasted too long and they needed to just dust themselves up, you know, get on with it. And so that probably made me unsafe. I was the person who would fix things. I was the person who wanted to dive in and problem solve, and that is not safe. And so so many of us, of course, we're safe to an extent.

There's always ways for us to be better, as a coach, as a leader, as a parent, me and my role, and for anyone who's listening, who works in a coach or leadership position, we can always do better to be a little bit more safe. And it does ripple into every single thing, every every dynamic, every relationship in our life, the ripple effect when you show up as a safe person is that you inspire others to feel

more safe. You inspire others to be more safe, to be more authentic, to show up with vulnerability, all of these beautiful things that create really meaningful relationships, and meaningful relationships are the number one determinant for whether or not somebody will at the end of their life say that they had a fulfilling life. That is one of my favorite studies ever. It's about what quality relationships do for our overall satisfaction and fulfillment in life, and so if we're a safe human and.

We can have more meaningful relationships that goes, you know, same on the same hand, we can have a more fulfilling life. So the takeaway here is that being a safe human is not just a little cute buzzword. It actually is one of the most powerful things you can embody in your life, whether you are a client, whether you are a coach, whether you're leading a team or raising kids, emotional safety is actually like the foundation for trust and for growth and for authenticity and for

transformation. So if you can master this, you'll notice that people start to naturally gravitate towards you, because you become the space holder. You become the guide. You become someone that people, just like I said, gravitate towards, because you hold space for others. So I'll leave you with a question to ponder, where could you maybe show up as a safer person in your life? Right now I would love to know, I'd love to know you can drop a comment, you can send us an email. You can tag

me. I always love to I've said this so many times, but guys, please share this on your socials or share it with somebody who you think could listen to this. It helps me so much to grow this bad boy, and it is getting harder and harder and harder, with so much incredible content out there to grow this thing. And so it really means the world. So that's a wrap for today. If you love this episode, make sure you

subscribe. Leave a review. Your feedback really, really helps, and I will see you next time after I've recovered from Cold Chisel. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to the mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show, because the more the show grows, the better the guests get, and I know that is going to be so powerful for you

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