😁 Is it toxic positivity? Is it by-passing and gaslighting? OR....is it emotional intelligence? 🧠

whole lot on the horizon. And in saying that I have been flat out, flat out like a lizard drinking. Since I got back from Sydney, from the Tony Robbins event, I've been going balls to the wall with some exciting projects that are happening behind the scenes, which I'm

very close to releasing. But for those of you who are interested in mindset, emotional intelligence, NLP, all of the things that I speak about teach about Coach about if you're interested in up levelling your skill set, you'll want to be listening, listening to this podcast and watching my socials to see as I release something very, very, very exciting. So

I've been very, very full. I don't like to use the word busy, I've my schedule has been full behind the scenes because on top of that, I've also completed certification in shadow work. And I will be speaking a lot more about that on you know, in the coming weeks, months years, because I've been invested in and utilising and processing and practising the skill and the modality and the perspective of the Shadow Work lens for quite

some time. Now, I often go balls deep in something, I apply it to myself, I use it a little bit with clients, I do all the study, I read I research, I go really, really, really deep into things. And then once I feel I've embodied it once I feel that I am at a place where I can speak about it from a place of mastery or not even mastery, but embodiment, then I will share about it speak about it, it's like I try and test it first.

And this has been really bloody transformational Shadow Work has been really really transformational. And I finished just this weekend like a full three day immersion training where it was like three full days nine to five of going deep with ourselves like so we do the work on ourselves, we do a lot of shadow work processes, we go real deep into our unconscious kind of sabotage eg repressed patterns. And there's, I'm not going to go into it right now. That's not what this episode is

about. But it came up again. And what it is, is what I have noticed and what I have felt for quite some time for years and years and years, I've felt this real duality in the coaching space and these two almost like polar opposite sides, where on the one hand, you have personal development and it's very much like setting goals striving for them using your mindset becoming

really strong. Like it's almost got a little bit of hustle attached to it, which I'm here for I'm okay with like, of course, there are negative connotations to hustle, but healthy hustle is I actually love it. And I've never been afraid to say that. So on the one hand, there's this real masculine sort of like mindset, taking action, setting big goals, develop, like change your state, change your emotions and your thoughts so that you can you know, get to where you need

to go. And it's all of that world and I'm very, very comfortable in that world. I would say I am the master of mindset I am you know, my business before I rebranded was called Miss mindset like it was I was very, very skilled in that space. And I love that space. And there is nothing wrong with

this space. However, there were was a time when I started to notice that this space was sort of being demonised by the other side, and I'm just gonna use that language for context, but I don't see sides, but on the other side, it's like, but then there's the healing and the more spiritual and the more sort of trauma world and that kind of healing space, which is beautiful, too. What I found is that on that side, it's very much the opposite energy, right?

Everything's got its poll. So on the one hand, you've got personal development, which is like masculine and hyper focused and let's go let's focus on the future. Let's change as tailors

get shit done. Fuck yeah, like, there's that and then the other pole is the feminine the flow, the being in your feelings that uncovering all your emotions and sitting in it and allowing it and being with it and processing things and that is beautiful, and that is necessary and there is a time and a space for this as well. There's a time and a

space for both. However, what I started to see was that both of these different sides started to demonise each other and For a while there, what how this played out for me is that the more I studied trauma, the more I studied shadow work, the more I studied that more sort of flowy feminine approach to personal development, the more I was almost made to feel wrong, or made to feel like I was doing something, quote, toxic by being strong. By being optimistic by

being positive. It was like these two worlds were saying oppositional things rather than standing in the middle ground and understanding there's a time and a place for both. But how what I want to talk about today and why I think it's really important and is a really great conversation to have is because I think sometimes the messages has been a little bit confusing to some people, where I've even heard people say, like, oh, I don't want to like gaslight

myself. Or maybe I should, you know, I probably should feel this more or I've had a conversation with friends where they're like, I'm scared to be positive, because I don't want to be like, you know, toxic toxic positivity is a buzzword and was a buzzword for quite a while and myself included, I started to feel like wrong for being positive and being optimistic. And just like that's actually just who I am. And there was also a time and a space where I was starting to feel like fuck, is there

something wrong with me? Who am I? Am I bypassing my emotions? Am I gaslighting myself, because, yeah, I can go through some big things like I can experience some big news, I can receive some shitty information. And within the next hour, I can be on a call and with my clients and pumped and lit the fuck up talking about what I'm talking about. And for a while there, because I was diving deep into the study of more of the sort of uncovering of, you know, shadows and more of that sort of healing

space. I've been really learning more about that, I started to wonder like, oh, shit, do I do I bypass my emotions or my gaslighting myself, because I've, I've had an ability for quite a lot of years now, to experience some, quote, bad news or to be put in a situation or a circumstance where it could be deemed as stressful, as hard as challenging as all these things. And I'm able to stay very calm, and very neutral in that space, and continue moving as though it

hadn't happened. Like I've really, really, really and this is probably over the last few years, probably the last five years, like I've really, really become quite a neutral person. And it's so interesting, because this was actually reflected back to me. This was reflected back to me inside of the particular container I was in recently where everyone had to sort of share words about me like what were the words that come to mind? What were the words of admiration, and the words kept

coming? Calm, like calm, somebody described, it was such a beautiful description, like the ocean, like so much strength, but so much flow and ability to just roll, roll with everything with this strength and calmness, like this tidal calmness. And I thought, that's really cool. And that, to me is a sign of when you've gotten to a place in your emotional regulation journey in your mindset journey in your personal development journey, where you've actually become very, very skilled at

becoming less reactive. I don't want to use the word managing your emotions, but at processing your emotions very fast, and neutralising things very quickly. And then over time, it's not something you're trying to do. It's not like I'm living in my mind going, Oh, just think positive and reframe these negative thought thoughts. It's

not like I've got my mind. My mind is not overrun with negative thoughts that I'm constantly trying to override that I'm constantly trying to bypass that I'm constantly trying to reframe. It's not like I'm constantly anxious when I'm put into certain situations, and I'm having to bypass this genuine feeling. It's that I've gotten to a place in my mind in my body and in my emotional state, where I actually just am positive, like I actually just am optimistic. I actually just

am calm. And I was sort of made to feel like this was wrong. Like being positive, being optimistic was toxic, and I just don't like that. That's where that space has sort of led some people to start to feel like oh, I don't want to be too positive because you know, I don't want to be toxic. I don't maybe I'm bypassing and of course there is I'm not saying that bypassing and gaslighting and all of that doesn't exist. It does. And it's unhealthy. And it's and it's something to very much look out

for. And this is a conversation that is more about the nuance. It's more about understanding that sometimes, of course, of course, there are moments and situations and scenarios where the best, most healthy, productive, emotionally intelligent thing you could possibly do is to break the fucker down. And be like, This

has actually been horrible. I need to call everything off and just be with my emotions and feel it and there is absolutely no use in trying to manage my emotions right now, that would not be the healthy thing to do. Of course, there are times when we should actually just call a spade a spade and be like, Look, I can't deny it. I just feel scared. I can't put any sort of reframe on this. I don't want to think positively. I'm just really fucking sad. I'm just grieving. Or I just want to be a

victim for a minute. You know, there's even empowerment like you guys will hear me talk a lot about victim I don't like victim mentality. I believe that we're all powerful creators. And I believe when we stop living in a victim mindset, we can really take control of our lives. And I also see so much power in you know what, right now I actually just want to be a victim for a few hours. I just do don't try to problem solve. Don't try to positive mindset my way out of it. This is just fucking shit.

And I've been in that I've been actually it was only last month I got home from a gynaecologist appointment, and I just broke down. And it was the first time honestly in years, years, like I actually said to my husband, I said to Paul on the phone, I can't remember the last time I've cried this much and this heavily since probably high school. Like I was sobbing and I was heaving and I was doing those ones, those really ugly cries not everywhere. And I was on the phone just sobbing to

Paul. And I didn't want to be positive. I didn't want to feel like optimistic. I didn't want anyone to come in and save me. I didn't want to I just wanted to feel my feelings. And I went home and I cried and I sat with myself all day. And I turned, I basically cleared my calendar cleared. My diary asked man's just to sort what needed to be sorted. And I sat at home and cried. And I felt sorry for

myself. And I decided that I was going to just be a little victim for a minute, because I was feeling things very fucking deeply. And that's beautiful. And that's perfect. And of course, there are scenarios where this happens. I recently said to a client just this week, this is not the time for you to be positive with your mindset, you're so good at doing that. And that is your natural state. But right now, you just get to feel sad, what you're going through is actually fucking

shit. It's really fucking sad, and it's really fucking unfair. And you just get to feel that. And that's beautiful. And there's a time and a space for that. Okay, so I'm not saying there's not I'm always for, it depends. But the nuances were other times, and probably the majority of the time, probably the majority of the time, like I said, when the kind of days where I actually need to clear my schedule, cancel everything, be at home with myself and cry and just sit on the couch and

feel sorry for myself. I can't tell you that besides that last month, it really has not, it happens maybe once or twice a year. And that is because I have actually developed my mindset, my emotional regulation, my emotional intelligence to a point where the other things, the more menial things, the more quote insignificant things. And it's all perception, right? Most things appear insignificant to me, because I've developed a perspective of the world where it actually doesn't rattle me.

And I know that because I've spent so much time building these skill sets, I can handle some really quite stressful situations, I can handle some really quite crappy news, I can be told something that's a little bit shit and be like, I feel that like, I really feel that and I'm going to take a breath, I'm going to, you know, gather myself, I'm going to take 10 minutes and then I'm going to be on a training and I'm going to be teaching inside of level up I'm going to be with my

clients and I'm going to be 1,000% honest, in I'm just happy to be like I've and that's one of the other sides where it's not a sign of pause. Sorry, toxic positivity. It's not gaslighting, it's not bypassing. It's emotional intelligence. And emotional intelligence is often having the ability to quite quickly process and feel an emotion but also I neutralise it quite quick, neutralise it so that you're able to move on with

less reactivity in your life. So that you naturally perceive things from a more optimistic lens. And you perceive things because you've got a calm nervous system because you don't run away from processing the hard things because you don't bypass emotions because you're not toxic. Your nervous system is actually pretty solid. And

it's actually okay. So things can come in and things can come in that might, quote, trigger an emotional response, and make you feel frustrated and make you feel pissed off, make you feel angry, but you've got the internal resources, you've got the skill set to really neutralise it fast. And like I'm saying, This is not a sign of bypassing or toxic positivity, it can be this conversation really requires you to access a

lot of discernment. I'm just encouraging you like I understand that you guys are all intelligent humans, and you can understand what I'm saying. I'm not saying one or the other. I'm not saying right or wrong. I'm

saying it depends. And there's a nuance and there is a very intricate conversation that needs to be had here, before you start using words like gaslighting toxic positivity, before you start bypassing your emotions, because you're trying to use your positive mindset, like there's a real nuance to

when each tool is required. And where I'm at, is that I just refuse I just I personally, and look, I've been working on this for years, I've been working on this for years and years and years and years, I feel like it's been my life's work. I am not willing to be made feel wrong, or made to feel cold or made to feel icy or made to feel

fake. Because I can receive some information or be in a kind of challenging situation and dusted off within three to five minutes and be back on my path back on the direction that I was originally at. The doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it's just that you've actually gotten to a place of emotional intelligence. Sometimes it's actually intelligent. To be optimistic. Sometimes it's actually intelligent, to reframe things. Sometimes it's actually intelligent. And this is where

the pendulum swings. Yes, sometimes you want to sit on the floor and feel sorry for yourself and be a victim. And other times, that's actually not helpful. And what you really need is to is to reframe it is to find something else, a different way to look at it is to find the skills and the perspective within your mind to be like how can I look at this differently? If I wanted to feel

differently? How could I look at this, if I wanted to behave differently, sometimes it is the time to actually use a positive mindset and a reframe. Not because you're bypassing but because you're intelligent, because you don't want to be feeling, you don't want to be a mess on the ground 24/7. And sometimes that's not productive. And also I hate to say it, that's not the way the world

works, it's just not. And if it all feels like it's actually a little bit too hard to have a pretty calm and neutral emotional state most of the time or to have a pretty, somewhat consistent baseline. And again, please look for the nuance. I'm not saying that you should feel the same emotions all the time, absolutely not. But that that you would like to get to a place where your baseline is quite calm and neutral and grounded. And then it takes quite a lot to

throw you off. What we want to do is kind of increase our window of tolerance because it's not intelligent, and it's not productive. And it's not helpful to be someone who can barely get through a day without flipping the lead because traffic was fatigued or because you couldn't get to the photocopier or because someone said something in a weird tone or because your coffee was late or because you got a bit nervous or because you didn't like the way your kids

spoke. Like, if there's too many things triggering you and you can't neutralise yes there's work to do. And also it's probably a really intelligent thing to do to learn how to change your perspective to change your mindset to change of thoughts. Because it's actually just not smart or intelligent to be someone that cannot keep your emotions in check cannot manage cannot regulate cannot neutralise. It's just not it's

not effective. And while yes, there is a time and a space for feeling all the feelings if you have to feel all the feelings every moment of everyday how exhausting how exhausting must that be. And so what this all comes down to for me and this is why sometimes I get really frustrated and I know I've ranted about it on the podcast before. But this is all about having a high window of tolerance for what we can emotionally withstand and what

we can emotionally withhold. And knowing that actually it's not going to kill me and so we don't have to be afraid of our emotions. We don't have to be afraid of feeling things and we get to just be pretty neutral because we're not scared of it. We're not scared of it. any of it, because we know we can handle it. This is a resilience thing. And this is often an emotional resilience problem.

And I get a little bit pissed because I can see a turn within society and also within the education space, where we've become very sensitive, overly sensitive to the point where, you know, I've talked about how everyone gets a participation badge. And we don't give main roles anymore when we're doing a drama or a school play, because we want everyone to feel important and everyone to feel

the same. And there's no winners or losers, and let's not keep score in junior sports, like, are you serious, if we're not teaching people from a young age, that it is okay, to feel disappointment and your day will go, your day will move on, it is okay to not get the main part and you know what you're gonna be okay, you can still have a brilliant day, I have an issue with taking away opportunities to build emotional resilience, because what that does as as adults, is it stops our ability

to be highly emotionally intelligent humans to be emotionally intelligent, you need to actually be able to withstand and receive and hold a whole range of and a big capacity of emotions without it putting you into a spiral without it putting you into a spiral. And so all of this is to say, this is just a conversation that has a lot of nuance. And where I'm at is that there is a, like I said, there's two worlds in this space. And the answer is we need both. We need to be

emotionally sensitive. And we need to be able to feel things process things really feel our emotions and call a spade a spade and know when the time is to stop and know when the time is to just call everything off and just fall apart sometimes. And we need to also have the emotional intelligence to know that this is not the time, this is actually not and I can still show up, I actually can because I can hold a lot more than what

I maybe even realise. And maybe sometimes the answer actually is to dust ourselves off to be a little bit more positive to show up to be honest to lead and to know that we can hold it all. And I just don't like to see these. I really don't like where the strategy to be more convicted in your own beliefs is to demonise people with opposing beliefs. And of course, this happens all the time, it's polarisation at its finest. It's

just how humans operate. It's like I can make myself more right by making others more wrong. And again, when you study shadow work, this all just becomes so fucking clear in your face that you like. It's, it's really hard to unsee. But I see it in the coaching space, I see it in the coaching industry, where it's like, in order for me to feel more convinced and more convicted in what I teach and preach, I need to my strategy is to put others down and to

demonise the other way. And that just to me shows an insecurity in your own conviction. I believe the answer is always the middle ground? The answer is always Why not both, or it depends, or there's a nuance. And so this conversation is really not me saying anything about what should be or how you should experience things. It's more about knowing that there is a grey area. And it's a nuanced

conversation. And while I really don't like what I didn't like personally observing was a tendency for put particular schools of thought to almost make it seem wrong to be optimistic or positive or emotionally intelligent. I just don't think that that's ever a good thing. I don't ever want to be made to feel bad or wrong, for being optimistic. And I don't think you should either, if you just are optimistic, and that just is the way you look at

life. And that actually is you're not trying to reframe, you're not trying, it's, it's just who you are. Never feel bad for that ever. And also, again, it's just a communication skill set know when other people don't really want to hear that right now. There's, there's another piece to that there, too. You know, you've got to have the emotional awareness and emotional intelligence to know that some people right now are not where you are. And they don't want to hear your

optimism. They don't want to hear your reframe. They don't want to hear it, they just need a feel. And we don't want to problem solve by going in with your positive mindset ethos. So again, it's just an incredible conversation. I've been really, really just I love these conversations, and I'd love to know what you've taken from it. I'd love to know how this lands. I'd love to know your thoughts. I'd love to know where you sit or what you've noticed in this space or how this resonates for

you. It's a really fascinating conversation to me and one that I feel quite strongly about. And again, the answer is always it depends on there's a nuance. So that's the whole 25 minutes of me saying lots and also nothing I hope you enjoyed it like I said tag me let me know what landed and I will be here next week bye