❤️‍🩹 Fertility Real Talk: When the Journey Gets Hard

self. I'm your host, Breanna may educator, CEO mindset and business mentor, and my mission is to teach the things we were never taught at school so that no dream is left on the pillow and no purpose left unfulfilled. Here, you can expect a lot of laughs and thought provoking conversations as we squeeze every drop of juice from this beautiful, precious, crazy thing called life. Hello. Welcome back to the mind

school podcast. I am going to dive straight into this episode, which is feeling like a very different energy, a very different vibe, for me and for you listening probably. So I'll start with a win, because the rest of this episode is really the challenge, which I'm sure you can deduct from the title is all about my fertility journey, and you might even be able to tell just from my energy. Today, it's been a really hard week, and that's what today's episode is about.

But before I get there, I want to share a win, because life is life is never just one thing. It's always dualistic. We're always holding so many things.

And I really feel like the last month I've had on a professional and not even professional and personal, it's been the best month, like some of my most insane career and business highlights ever we finish up the mind school, and it was just, oh, the cohort, the way they transformed in front of my eyes, the way they connected the breakthroughs, the connection that I felt to this cohort like it exceeded my expectation. And just I've never felt more

convicted in this method. You know, I feel like I was working on this method in my first program, level up your life, which was really the introduction, essentially to, it's like the foundations, it's at the preschool, like, level up

your life. If you've been listening to this podcast or followed my business for a while, was my signature program for the first few years of my business, and I've been really like observing human behavior and testing methods, and I've just put it all together in the mind school and watching now three cohorts, 55 students go through the mind school method and hearing and speaking to them, since I'm Just so convicted in the curriculum and in the method and in my product and in

everything that I teach and stand for, and that feels incredible. And we had the Nine News Crew rock up while I was teaching, which was fucking wild. Like, yeah, Nine News came and did a whole piece on the mind school method, and they ran it on the news at prime time. And I think it had like, I think it was 28 million views, like, it just went off, which is so

cool, and was nerve wracking. To be honest, I was so nervous when the camera crew rocked up and my students actually acted like the most well behaved little students who, you know, I laughed and said to them, it feels like I'm back in the classroom, and the school principals just walked in, and everyone's on their best behavior. So that was so cool. And like, I said, like, and then I went to Bali after that, and I had the best time with my

family. And I said on the episode a couple weeks back, you know, I was going to make a cooter baby. I was having a bit of a laugh about how we'd call it little CUDA, because, you know, my husband and I were just, you know, going to go take another month to get a few weeks in Bali and pray again this month. And I guess that leads to the opposite, the flip side, to the wins and the highs and all of that that's going on at the moment. And the flip to that is

the challenge. And the truth is, I didn't want to record this. I don't feel my usual self. I don't feel Yeah, I just don't feel myself, and I feel tender as fuck. I cried all weekend last weekend, and the whole week after that, I've just been feeling really tender, and I went to a retreat last weekend where it sort of all came out. And I was so hopeful, so hopeful again, this will be the month, this will be the month. And it

just wasn't. And one of my best friends was there, and she was like, you've got to you've got to keep hope, man, like you've got to keep hope. And I just said to her, I just have a lot. Lost it like in this moment right now, I've lost hope, and that was last weekend. And obviously, I never stay in that state for long. I don't, but it really just hit me, and I I'm so big on not just sharing the highlights and leading from a place of vulnerability. And you know, within the mind.

School, I talk so much about leadership and courage and honesty and how much power there is in sharing your humanness, and that means all of it, like your power and the all the shit as well. And I guess I really know the power in sharing journeys and lessons and all of the beautiful treasure that you get to find at the end of a challenge. And that's what a lot

of this podcast is. It's about me sharing wisdom that I've learned through going through things, but being on the other side, and I don't always share when you're in it, and that's

for lots of reasons. It's not always the safest thing to do, and you don't have to share your shit when you're in it by any means, everyone's got their own way of processing things, but I guess I also realize that there is a lot of power from sharing while you're in it, and that's why today is really not me speaking Today's episode is not me speaking as a coach. It's not me speaking as an educator. It's not me speaking of the as the founder of the mind school or a leader in mindset or anything

like that. Today is me just speaking as a fucking human and I don't have the wisdom on the other end to share. I don't have the insights, I don't have anything like that. I just wanted to share. And the intention is not, like I said, to offer advice. It's very much. It's very much. I'm just processing it right now, and this feels like a bit of a real and raw and slightly vulnerable share while I'm in it. And the intention, like I said, is not

to give advice. It's not to speak from a mindset lens or anything like that. It's actually because a I think it's really helpful to hear of somebody navigating it, in it and in the shit week like this, to me, is one of the shittest weeks that there has been. And I'm usually a very optimistic person, but the last week, I just haven't been and I'm in the shit. And it's getting a lot more frequent that I feel this. I can always dust myself up, and I can always, you know, and I

will, I will. I've already got a plan, but right now it actually is just shit. And so I wanted to share while I'm in this state, because A, I don't want anyone going through this journey to feel alone. And B, I've found through this whole experience that a lot of people just simply don't understand what you're going through, and therefore they don't know how to support you. And even though they might try, sometimes they don't know what to say, or they can say things that lovingly can make it

worse. And I feel for the people. I feel for people wanting to support other people going through this, because you don't know how to navigate it. And I think one of the reasons we don't know how to navigate it is because there is just literally a lack of understanding. And I did not understand until I'd been through it myself. I really didn't understand this fertility journey. I didn't understand how consuming it can be. I didn't understand the roller coaster of

it. I didn't understand the mental toll, the emotional toll, the financial toll. I didn't understand the energy it takes.

I didn't understand and granted, that's because it just wasn't that season of my life, and I wasn't looking for the education, but also not a lot of people share it because either there's shame or they or they want to keep it private, which is so cool and so great and so fine, or they, yeah, there's just so many reasons that people don't share it while they're in the shit, and therefore it makes it harder for people to support

them and help them. And so I kind of feel like this could be a podcast where, if you are struggling through a fertility journey, or experiencing the highs and lows and the roller coaster that come with it, and you know that your friends and family want to support you, but they just don't understand, maybe you can give them this episode. I'm going to just share with the intention that people understand the journey, so that they can support others through

it. And I want to pre frame it before I go into sort of what I've been, you know, the challenges and the realities of all of this. I just want to pre frame it by saying I will share some of my own beliefs, my own views, and I'm also well aware of the fact that my beliefs can change, and probably will change, but right now, I have my

own set of belief systems. I have my own unique perspectives, and that does not mean I hold any judgment to anyone who thinks differently or has a different belief system in this space. And I like to think that anyone listening to this can also hold, with respect, a difference of opinion. And not make that mean anything or make the other person wrong. So I will share some of my own beliefs, and that is what they are. They are mine. They are mine. And that doesn't mean that

a they won't change. But also, if they're different beliefs to yours, that's totally fine, and that doesn't have to mean anything about either of us. And that's just such an important message of everything I teach, we get to hold both and not make other people wrong. Also, I'm not going to be sharing every single detail that you know. I might share that on another episode, like all of the different medical things that have come up and what exactly

that's entailed. This isn't really the medical journey I'm more sharing today, like the emotional and mental journey. That is just the reality of, yeah, this essentially, I don't like to use the word the trying to conceive journey, because trying, almost trying almost suggests failing like trying, but it's not working. So the journey of calling in this very

stubborn baby. So I guess for me, the realities and the challenges that I've been facing and I've been experiencing is I have a whole business and a whole belief system that is underpinned by this desire and perspective which wants to find the root cause for everything. So when I'm coaching people, if somebody presents with a symptom, I'm not looking and treating a symptom or a behavior. I'm always looking for what's the underneath, root cause. And I'm like that with

across almost everything. You know, if a kid, when I was a teacher, if a student wasn't getting the grades they wanted, we have to assess the root cause. Is it because they're not paying attention in class? Is it because they have a focus thing? Is it because their self worth is so low they don't think they can do it, so they don't try? Is it because they actually don't have emotional regulation, and therefore they get anxious in a

test situation. So in health, same thing, I'm more of the let's find the root cause, and that's why I tend to go for more of the alternative medical approaches to things, as opposed to more western systems, which have a place for sure, but often go straight to pills and prescriptions and those sorts of things, I just prefer to try everything else first before I

get to that point. And so because I've been trying to find the root cause, and that's the way I live my life, every problem has has a solution, like that's one of my beliefs. I truly believe every problem has

a solution. And so what's been so challenging for me, and so hard in this whole scenario, is that up until literally two days ago, we couldn't find or there was so many different specialists who were trying to find a root cause and and so far, we haven't really been able to find one, or at least that's what I thought. And the last appointment that I had that I'm going to share about, they said we're just, you know, we've classed you as unexplained

infertility. And of course, that for me is like, what the fuck What do you mean unexplained? There's no unexplained. I need to find I need to find the answer. I need to find the solution. I need to find what's going on. And because I look at everything from mental, emotional, physical, like

medical. I'm looking through so many lenses I've really been trying to go into like I'm doing trauma release, and I'm doing energy work, and I'm doing mindset work, and I'm doing the physical things and the dietary things and the sleep things and the nutrition things, and to then be told it's just unexplained. It's really frustrating, but I also haven't yet been able to fully accept that. And that leads me to my second point, which is this delicate dance between the masculine approach and the

feminine approach. And I don't really love those labels, but I think you know what I mean when I say that it's like the masculine approach of like, find the solution, go and do the work, like I just said. I'm doing the saunas, I'm doing the diets, I'm doing the kinesiology, I'm doing the I'm making a plan, and I'm looking for answers, and I'm doing, doing, doing to try to make sure that I'm empowered and that I'm

in the most empowered place. And then the more feminine approach is like, just sort of let it go and just be because sometimes all of the doing adds stress. And so many people say, when you stop worrying about it, when you stop focusing on it, it just happens. And I know that that's probably that is always meant

with so much love. And like people who say that really come from such a good place, but sometimes it's the most frustrating thing to hear, because it's like, oh, okay, I'll just try to forget every time my period comes that I want a baby, like, I'll just forget that. And then there's so many other things that go with that. So I did I because I realized, okay, Breanna, maybe you're doing this from a far too masculine approach. We need to bring some balance.

Dance back in, be in the feminine, and just let it go. And this is where it sort of brings me to the next challenge, the next reality of dealing with this is, like, it's that dance again, like balancing the masculine and the feminine with like needing to find, needing to find. And this is very much my analytical mind, my masculine side, my mindset side that's like, No, I will find a way. I

will find a solution. I am determined as fuck, and I am stubborn, and so I'm gonna find a way with my just let it go and fucking surrender and trust, right? But that's quite hard to do when you've also been told that you have, for example, picos and again, even that, it's like some people say you do have it, other specialists say you don't have it. So you're going around and around, and then you're like, right come back to your body, come back to intuition what feels right to

you. And you're balancing the doing with the being and the surrendering with the taking action and being empowered, and you actually start to feel like you're going fucking around the bend, like you start to feel like you're going around the bend, because when you just, and this is an example of what happened I did. I took that advice, and I was like, You know what? I've heard it so many times. I'm just gonna fucking

hit the fuck it button. I'm letting go, I'm fully surrendering, and I'm just gonna have to give it a rest, I'm giving it a rest. And so I deleted all the apps. I stopped tracking things. I was really like, I just kind of really relaxed, even my diet and all of those things that I'd been really conscious of. I relaxed, like I said. I went to Bali. I spent a few months just in that stage. And then that flared up

my picos stuff. So I was like, okay, but I actually do need a little bit of the structure and the rigidity, because otherwise, you know, so it's that, then the second thing that is just so difficult to navigate is, and this is so ironic, because it's something I teach inside of

level up. It's that dance between really wanting something, and whether this is a baby or a business or a career or a relationship, like when you really fucking want something, it's having the balance of I want it and I'm attached to it.

But also we know from an energetic perspective, we also have to be in the energy of non attachment and that, I guess that's the surrender, and that's the grateful for what I've got, and not without, like not being in a place of lack, but also wanting this thing really badly. And so it's that, it's the dance between I really, really want something, but I also can't be too attached to the outcome, because that creates a lack energy, a lack vibration, not enoughness, which isn't the

energy you want to be in. So you come back and you dance between those things all the time. And I'm quite good at doing this. And I've said this so many times, that's the other challenge that I've found some days, and it honestly depends what fucking day you get me. And like I said when I started this episode today's probably one of the flattest for me. There's been a few in the last few months, but I'd say like 70 80% of the time I'm actually good.

And I truly do say things like, it's hard to miss something that you've never had. Like, sometimes I'm like, I feel really I love my life, like I fucking, I love my business, I love my marriage, I love my friends. Life is the better it gets. The better it gets. It gets better and better and better. So life is so good, and then sometimes you feel like, fuck, Do I even want a baby?

Like, life is so good, and then you start to question yourself and spiral a bit there, because you're like, Do I even want it if most of the time I'm so fine and I'm so okay, but then every now and then, it'll just fucking hit you out of nowhere, like grief. And this is the other

challenge. I didn't even know that there was grief, and then sometimes it just fucking hits you out of nowhere when you're not expecting it, and that can be really fucking hard, because you've also got a business for me, like I've got a business to run, clients to serve. I'm running events where I hold space for a lot of people. And sometimes grief can hit you, like I've shared, I think, on

this podcast. The first time I ran the mind school, my grief hit me literally while I was teaching, and I had to just take a big cry in front of all my students, because it just happened. And so there's two points that I guess I'm getting at here. It's the dance always between you want something, but you're trying not to be too attached, and to give that energy that is like desperate and stressed, because stress is

not helpful. So you're really building a life that you love, and being in the gratitude of it all the time, and that feels really good. And then every now and then, it's just like, oh, but actually, I really want this thing. And so you're sort of like, mentally, just. This is like from a mental

perspective. So, you know, for me, the mental challenge is trying to, I guess, sometimes, stop the noise and the trying to find the root cause and diff and then you're going to different specialists, and different specialists tell you different things, and then to be told that there is no reason is almost more frustrating, and then

another, like 18 months. So it's been 18 months of tests and surgery and negative pregnancy tests and so much that I can't even, like I said, I'm not going through all the details in this episode, but just so much and so to spend that much time trying to find the root cause and figure out why your body is sort of having a hard time, and then to be told there is no reason, then only three days ago or two days ago, for somebody else to come in and say, Oh, here's the

root cause. Why has nobody looked at this like, why are they? Why are they telling you you've got a good regular cycle that's not good enough. Like, it's still too long, your cycle's too long, that's not gonna work. And you're like, Well, fuck, fuck, 18 months, and I've never been told this, so Okay, let's go down this path. But then, at least in my mind, it's like, well, at least now I've got something to work with. At least now I know it feels

better than unexplained. And then, like I said, you're balancing all of this mentally, and then sometimes you're like, is trying to find the solution and trying? Am I getting in my own way here? Am I getting in my own way by trying to find a solution? But then, if I don't, am I not helping the situation? Am I not empowering myself, like, if my body really needs healing, if my picos is flaring up, or there's insulin resistance, or my cervix is doing weird shit again, or there's trauma that's

unprocessed. Like, of course, I want to take an empowered response, and I want to take action, and then sometimes you take all the action and then it leads nowhere, and you're like, fuck, do I need to just stop taking the action and surrender? And this is where, as you can probably tell, mentally, it just becomes a lot. And then on top of that, this is going on every month. There is a roller coaster emotionally every month that

nobody knows. It's like, silently, nobody knows where you're at in your cycle, and that actually you're looking at, like, oh, this could be implantation day if, if I am pregnant, and if I'm pregnant this month, then I'd find out this month that my due date would be this month, and you start to get all excited. And I've been consciously trying,

and it's getting harder. I'm not gonna lie, like I have been trying to hold on to the excitement and keep myself open to the attachment, like I've been consciously allowing myself to plan every month and to get excited every month, and to allow myself to dream, because otherwise I would just disassociate, and that's also not what I want. I need to feel the excitement, and that brings with it grief like it just does.

But I need to feel the excitement so that I don't switch off, disassociate and go numb to it all, which is the last thing I want to do. So every month, you're getting excited and you're planning, and you're mentally getting like, oh, this could be the month. It surely can't be another month like I've ovulated, I've peed on the sticks, I've done the blood

tests every day. And that's like, there was a month where I was literally driving to go get blood tests every second day or every third day, and then driving an hour away from my home in peak hour traffic to go get a ultrasound, and then coming home, sometimes having clients in the middle of all this. And there's just so much in terms of appointments and

mental load that goes on. Then you add the fact that I've also had one of the biggest career highlights of my of my life, and with that so many people project their stuff, like their belief systems, onto me. And I know it often comes from such a loving place, but people keep saying to me, oh, Breanna, maybe you need to slow down. Maybe you need to

do less. And it's like, I understand how it looks from the outside, but honestly, look at my calendar, I've built my business to be so chill, like I teach for six days in the mind school, outside of that, I'm doing what I love. I'm doing content. I'm maybe, you know, recording a podcast. And so people tell me to do less, and

then you've got the Okay. So what do you should I do nothing, not have an income, by the way, because my business is my income, and that actually isn't aligned with I want to take a lot of time off when I have maternity leave. So actually, now is the time to generate more income, to make more money in the business. Now is the time to keep doing this stuff that actually lights my soul on fire. My business is my purpose. My business is my

love. I fucking love this. So when people say, do less, it's like, this is my passion, this is my purpose. And also I don't do that much. I built my business around my values. Yes, I do a lot, but my diary is not hectic. It's it's navigating all of that, and then mentally, like I said, you're like, Well, okay, maybe I could do less. Yes, but then that adds a different stress, because you're like, but I'm also going to take at least three to six months off when I have maternity leave. So

what do I just not have? You know, there's this, there's all of that, is all I'm saying. So you're navigating, you're navigating that. You're also navigating the fact that you know, you're at an age where every time you open yours every time you open your Instagram, somebody else is pregnant, or you're invited to a baby shower, or your friends are sending you baby pictures, and it's beautiful. Like, 99% of the time I fucking love it, like, I

absolutely fucking love it. And then once in a blue moon, it'll just come at the worst time and you're like, this fucking sucks, but then you don't want friends to stop sending you that stuff, because you don't want to be

left out and isolated. You don't want people to start acting weird around you, but you also don't want them like it's honestly just it's really hard to navigate, and that's why I'm releasing this episode, so that people can understand next week, I'm going to do an episode about, like, having these conversations, and how to navigate it from, like, a real conversational and support and

even coaching lens. But for now, I just want you to have the understanding so that you can maybe share this with someone who you want to understand what, what it's like, mentally and emotionally. So there's all that you're seeing your friends and everyone you know have such success and and, and sometimes you see people that fall pregnant literally on drugs, like literally on drugs. And you're like, what? How is that

fair? And then it just feels so frustrating, like you'll go to the shops and see people that are quite, quite obviously cracked out like and yelling and screaming at their kids and talking to them like absolute and it's horrible. And you see that, and you're like, What the fuck like, I would be such a loving mom. I'm so healthy. I get eight hours sleep, I eat well, I try, like, all the

things, and you're like, why? So then you feel like, sometimes that comes up and you've got to sort of process, I guess, the resentment or anger that can come up, and that's beautiful, like, that's also great, that's fine, but that's also something that comes up, trying to plan ahead is, I mean, it's been 18 months now of me saying, like, oh yeah, maybe I'll probably be pregnant, yeah. And it's funny, because had I, had I not planned anything because I thought I would fall pregnant? I wouldn't

have launched the mind school. I wouldn't have run it three times. I wouldn't have booked Japan. I'm going to Japan. I've had to just decide to live my life normally, and then you're like but that's not how you manifest. You manifest by acting as if so if I act as if I would go nowhere and not do all the things do you know, I would just

do nothing. And then you're watching other people that fall pregnant without trying, without plan, like it's, it's a whole thing, and you can kind of see why you end up going a little bit around the twist. Also things like, you just like, I don't know if anyone else can resonate with this, but I just feel like time is not slowing down. And I say this every year, but fuck, I've always been acutely aware of how precious time is. And I'm watching my nieces grow up, and

I'm like, far out. One of them's got to be in high school soon, and my grandparents are not well, and one of them just got put into a nursing home today. And I'm watching that, and I'm like, oh, life like time isn't slowing down for anyone. And as much as people say, Don't worry about age. Age is just a number, blah, blah, blah. You're like, Yeah, cool. But actually, I'm 34 next year, and this is actually, like, biologically, this is a thing where time is of the

essence. And so you do have that in the back of your mind too, and you're looking at your grandparents, going, please, you know, please hang around my Oh, my pop says to me, I hope I'm here to see you have a baby. And I'm like, oh, Poppy, me too.

Like Me too. And, yeah, it's just, it's a lot, like, it's a lot, but you can't control it, and that's where it's this dance between surrender and also doing your part, you know, like surrender, but also collecting all the evidence, being empowered, doing it in an empowered way. It's it's honestly just mentally and emotionally and today is a day like I said. It's so nuanced and it's so different day to day, and 8070, 80% of the time, I'm fucking great, like I've I've picked myself up, I'm good.

It's all okay. Today is not one of those days, and that's why I felt like I should hit record, because I don't want this to be a highlight reel. I don't want to only share. On the on the shiny side. And like I said, I think that if this helps one person, one person to not feel alone, or if you want to share this so that other people can understand, maybe bits of what you're experiencing, yeah, hopefully this will, this

will help someone. And like I said, there have been some lessons and some treasure along the way that I've been able to mine like, there's beautiful parts to this, but that's not what this episode is about. I'm not, I'm sure one day I will be here on the other side and there'll be some treasure and some lessons and all of that.

But also, that's also not what sometimes people want to hear like, you know, and that's an episode for next week's there's a time and a place for optimism, and there's a time and a place for Oh, but this can happen, and this was the lesson and all of that. And there's a time when actually, that's just not helpful. And I'm actually just feeling sad right now, and I know how to be optimistic. I know like, but now's not the

time. And so I just feel like it wouldn't be right to go into the optimism and the lessons of it. I've got some but that's a lesson for another time. And so if anyone listening is experiencing a fertility journey themselves, I just want you to know like you're not alone, and I see you and I feel you.

And so much power is in sharing, and whether that's just with a friend, or, you know, somebody online, or just having somebody else go through the same thing to know you're not alone, there's so much power in that. And so I hope in some way this can help you. It's very raw. It's very not me in my mindset or coach or teacher archetype at all. This is me as a human. And just because I'm a coach, just because I'm a mindset expert, I hate that word expert, but just because I'm a trainer in all of

these things. You know, I certify people in this stuff. It doesn't fucking mean that you get to bypass it. It doesn't mean you get to bypass being a human. It doesn't mean you bypass feeling sad. It doesn't mean you bypass challenges. And to pretend that you do online or in any of your channels is only going to perpetuate imposter syndrome. It's going to feel draining, it's going to feel tired, and so it's going to feel

tiring, I should say. So this actually helps me to show up with a lot of a lighter energy, because I don't feel like I have to show up and bottle it all up and put on, you know, some excitable mask, because that wouldn't feel true, and this is just how I'm feeling today. And yeah, I hope that, like I said, this helps one person. If it helps one person, I'm so glad. And if you would like to share it or with somebody that you think might get something from it or share it on your stories,

that would mean the world. I don't. I'm so open to receiving love and receiving support and receiving all of the things I'm not asking right now for advice. It's just a bit overwhelming. I get so much advice and conflicting information, and I know it comes from such a loving place, but this is not me opening up for advice. It's just wanting to share, and so I hope it helps, and I'll be back next week. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to the

mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show, because the more the show grows, the better the guests get, and I know that is going to be so powerful for you listening. So if I could ask this massive favor, it would mean the world if you could please leave a review, hit the Follow button, or leave a rating on Spotify, so that we can continue to grow this show and bring you the juiciest, most thought provoking and expansive conversations

through incredible guests. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week. Bye.