19: Handling Confrontation With Communication & Body Language

I think that whenever you're dealing with a confrontational situation, whenever you are dealing with whether it's a confrontation between two employees in your office, or whether a client. Wants to discuss something with you that they're unhappy about. If you can dig deep and find a way to relate to that client, to find a situation that in your past is relatable to what they are telling you. That will go leaps and bounds further. To resolving that problem, then just sitting there and not participating in the conversation. 
Hey, y'all, you're listening to The Designer Within episode number 19.
I'm John McClain and welcome to the designer within podcast, the business minded podcast created for creative entrepreneurs by a creative entrepreneur. That's me. I know firsthand the challenges, but also the victories that can come with our careers. And I'm here to sip and spill the tea with you. It's time to dive deep within yourself and redesign your own business and your life.
From the inside out together, we will uncover secrets and share valuable insights. So prepare for a transformative experience, my friend, because it's time to unleash the designer within.
Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the designer within podcasts. If you're watching this on YouTube, I'm trying out something new and going to be recording a video portion of my episodes. If you are listening, I should say to it on the regular method on your iPhone or whatever method you use, you can continue to do that the same way. 
So wherever you're finding me, I just want to welcome you. 
So today's episode is going to be talking about confrontation. And I know confrontation is not something that we all love to talk about. And more so than confrontation. I want to talk about how we communicate, how we can verbally communicate, how we can communicate with our facial expressions, with our body language, all of those things. And I'm definitely not an expert on this, but I know what I know. And I know what I've learned over the years. 
And I do think that there are some things that you can look out for when you are communicating with your clients. When you are communicating, even with your team members, there are certain things and certain ways that you. You can handle a situation. So I just wanted to talk about communication and how to do that effectively, as well as how to handle those situations when conflict does arise, because we all know that conflict. does a rise. 
And being in the design industry, we of course are a visual element. We bring all of the visual components to a room, but more than that, I wanted to just remind us all that. We also bring our emotional components to a space and we solve. Emotional issues for clients. So for instance, I've spoken before about how design is an emotional decision. Some people value things more than others. Some people will spend more money on something then something than some other people, but the emotional attachment, the emotional decision. Is, I feel really critical to finding out exactly what your clients need. So for instance, if you're doing a questionnaire. And you're asking your client, all of these questions on the questionnaire. You're not getting those nonverbal cues that they could be giving to you if you did this in person. So think about going to a client's home and perhaps asking them some of these questions in person while we like to do is we do send out a very short questionnaire for our discovery call, but for the questionnaire that we use for our actual in-home consultations, it's a bit more in depth. 
It's a, has a lot more questions on it and it has a lot. More. Uh, things that I really want to know about the client and as the client is answering those to you verbally, you can also take the nonverbal cues from them to find out what they might be meaning underneath the surface. I always like to remind clients that you are not having a home design for your neighbor, for your friends. 
You're not trying to compete with a television show. This is your house, and you have to love it. And the answers that you give us to these questions and how you answer these questions is really going to start the process of our design. So I want the client to be honest, and I want the client to be straight forward. And I want them to let us know exactly what they're looking for. But more importantly, I want to know why they're asking for this. Why are they looking for. This solution to the problem. You know, I've mentioned before that we've had clients and they have wanted a larger kitchen and we've on the surface might just think, oh, the client wants a larger kitchen because they just want a larger kitchen. But if I dive a little bit deeper and asked a few more questions or notice a few more things that are happening around you, you're going to see that maybe that larger kitchen is there to bring the family together. 
So maybe all of the kids are having dinner in their rooms and the mom or the spouse, or whomever wants the children to eat with them in the kitchen. So seating is very important to them. So I think finding. Finding out that why is really just a key component. In being a good designer and really following through with what we're going to give the client. This happened to me at once. And. You know, I will say that. It was a, an eyeopening experience to see how some of the children in this situation were treating their parents. So it wasn't so much like this, you know, 1950s sitcom family. It was very eyeopening to see exactly how some of the kids were treating their parents. And so I understood. What the parents were looking for when it came to designing their home. And when it came to really making a space that would bring the family together. And that was the core component of everything that we designed. And we designed a lot of spaces in the home that were family oriented based upon that. So lots of spaces where the family could gather as a unit versus a just a space, where there was, you know, privacy and. And there was that there was those spaces where the family could do things separately. But the basis of our design was designed around the fact that the, I knew that the family wanted to spend more time together and that they needed to spend more time together. And that was the root of everything that we designed. 
I want to start off by talking about being a chameleon. And I know that might sound a little negative or a little strange to some of you
But I do find if you are a chameleon of sorts and you are able to speak with your clients, speak with your vendors, speak with your team members in a way that they can relate to. Then you have the ability to find out what the information you're needing to find out. So if it is resolving a problem and you are able to understand how that client communicate and understand that they want to be heard in a certain way, then you. Can adjust your conversation and your tone. To a way that they can relate to in a way that they're actually hearing versus a non empathetic way of speaking with someone and on the subject of empathy. I do want to touch up on that. I think that whenever you're dealing with a confrontational situation, whenever you are dealing with whether it's a confrontation between two employees in your office, or whether a client. Wants to discuss something with you that they're unhappy about. If you can dig deep and find a way to relate to that client, to find a situation that in your past is relatable to what they are telling you. That will go leaps and bounds further. To resolving that problem, then just sitting there and not participating in the conversation. Um, so I, I do find that with life experience and with the older you get. You know, I'm 48. So the older I get, the more things I learn and the more experiences I have, and if you are a new designer and you're just starting out and the rest assured. You will have those experiences. And, uh, you know, there are those old souls out there as I call them who my gosh, they could be, you know, in their twenties, but they have conversations with you as if they've experienced so much. 
 
But I do love speaking with people like that. And I do feel like I was an old soul as well when I was younger. And I always said there was like an old Indian lady living inside of me. Just giving out information and reacting to things in ways. Because sometimes I would say things that would honestly a surprise myself, and I didn't really know where they came from, but I think it's all about your environment, of course. And that shapes you to be who you are. And your past, uh, your past experiences, your family, your spouse, whomever, those things are inherent to you. And if you draw on those life experiences and just help the person that you're speaking with, understand that you might not have had the exact situation, but you do have a situation that is relatable to them. And this, this doesn't mean by the way, to interrupt their conversations or to, you know, stop them just because you have a wonderful thought listening. 
You know, there's a reason we have two ears and one mouth you need to listen double and speak less. So listen. Listen intently. And when they do come up for air and when they do find a spot to take a breather, That is when you can bring in your experiences and how to best solve the problem. 
I actually have a systematic way that I handle confrontation or the way that I handle issues or any sort of problems I like to. Become robotic. And I don't mean that in a sense that I pull away. I mean that, because I like to remove all of my emotions from the situation. I like to remove any sort of preconceived feelings that I have. I want to remove my ego. And by doing that, I'm on a Switzerland I'm on neutral ground. And I am just receiving the information as a third party. I'm not directly involved in that, even if I am directly involved in that. And I, and I think if you just take a minute, And take a breather from that situation before it can get too heated and before it can get into overdrive and remove yourself from that, if possible, and. I, if a client is having a confrontation with me or they bring up something that is a little testy, I like to have them either address this later. We didn't take this and address this later. Once we've had time to really think about it, or once I can find time to find the facts about it, you don't have to solve that problem. 
Right. Then in there you can pull away and say, I don't have the best answer for you right now, but I will get you an answer tomorrow. And then if you give them a definitive timeframe, so in 24 hours, Or by tomorrow at 9:00 AM, I'm going to give you a call and we're going to discuss this. That will go farther than if you are just trying to do a little song and dance and come up with a solution on the, on the fly. It never ever works. I like to have facts and I like to be in the right mindset when I am dealing with a client situation or an employee situation or a vendor situation. As y'all know, interior design is not one sided and there's not one level of issues that could happened. We have issues happening among everything. So there are testing moments. That happened with vendors and with other people that trades people, people that you're involved with, but it's about how you handle that situation. And anytime you come into a situation, And you were throwing fire back on the fire and fueling the flames. It's never going to go anywhere. So I like to diffuse that as much as possible and really just remove again, any emotional attachment that I have to at any emotional involvement and know that what that person is telling me is valid and that I need to listen to them. 
Now I will try to remove a confrontational situation to a more private area. So as a for instance, If you are having a moment with someone and it could be a trades person, a general contractor or client whomever. And there are lots of people in the room. I feel that this grand standing this sort of, um, showmanship. Does come into play. So I like to remove those two components. So if a client needs to speak with me or a general contractor needs to speak with me, I want to do that in a private area. I don't want to do that in front of everyone in the room, because then there becomes a, another aspect of that person has to sort of portray, which is, oh, I have to not only say. My, what my issue is, there's six other people watching me and I have to say it in a certain way, or maybe I'm going to be more angry because there are as an audience of people watching me. So I really do like to remove. The confrontation from the space where it's happening. So if you are having, let's say an issue with a primary bathroom, and that is where the problem is. Of course there are components that you need to speak about in that room, but to really. Dive deeper into the problem. I like to remove physically remove, uh, myself and the other person from that space so that we can have a easy going conversation. And that sort of trigger moment is not right there in front of us. And then we can speak intelligently about it. 
I also like to, if I can, as I said, remove myself totally from that situation and take times to take a breath. I know a lot of times we get an irritating email from someone. It could be a, an angry email or it could be, you know, if you are the person who texts, we don't text within my company, but if you are a person who does texts with your clients, then you could possibly get an angry text. If we do a knee jerk reaction and reply to that right away with all of the emotions that are we're wearing on our sleeve, that is never going to serve anyone. I like to take a breath, pull myself away if I can pull myself away for overnight, even better, because I find that that reset of. The emotions that reset of feelings and thoughts is so critical to getting the best outcome from that. So if you can remove yourself at least for an hour. And I understand sometimes if you're in front of a client in their home, You necessarily can't do that. But I do think that to diffuse that situation better, you need to come into it with a clear mindset and a clear mind and a clear heart. And remove the ego, remove the emotions and come at it from a very clear space. And for me personally, I like to do that as an overnight situation and then come back the next day. And it's amazing what your brain can do. And those overnight hours, when you're not wholly focused on something, You waked up with the best ideas and the best solutions to the problem. And it could be something that you would have never thought of. In the heat of the moment, but because you've had time to really digest it, it is going to allow you to solve the problem for the best of both parties.
Okay, let's talk about body language and how body language influences not only what is being said, but also the perception of what is being said. And I was just having this conversation actually with a body language expert, my friend, Jess Ponce, and it is intriguing to me. The importance of body language, but what we were discussing and what we were talking about is how some body language is offensive or can turn off some people and some other body languages does doesn't even affect the person that they're speaking with. So I encourage you to. Ask yourself. What is your perception of body language and how that does affect your conversation? if someone has their arms crossed, for instance, Is that an automatic turnoff for you? Does that mean that you're, that that person is not interested in what you're saying or does it just mean that they're intently listening to what you're saying? You know, for me, it's not. personally, a turnoff when someone has their arms cross, I know that some people go deep into conversation and they are listening to me, even though they have their arms crossed. So it doesn't necessarily mean for me that it is a non-negotiable when the conversation is happening, if that person has their arms crossed. 
So other things that do annoying me are when someone is just so preoccupied. 
the preoccupation is, uh, if someone you're speaking with someone and let's say it's a video call for instance, which we do a lot of these days and the other person is looking to the left and looking to the ride. Or, you know, they are writing something down constantly and you know, it's not about what you're discussing that is annoying to me. And that is a turnoff when it comes to a two way. Street have a conversation. Uh, I also think that we need to ask ourselves what our faces are. Showing to other people. if you're listening intently and if your intent listening phase is this, like, you know, this resting bitch face that's annoying. RBF. Uh, then you need to kind of check yourself and bring yourself back to that moment. But I want you to just ask yourself and to always think about. What you are portraying to the other person. Do you give off that vibe that you are listening? Do you physically show them that you are listening? Are you making eye contact? And I also think that eye contact is a bit. Overrated and its fullest sense. So I don't think that you have to stare someone directly in the eye for, you know, the entire 30 minutes that you were having this conversation, those breaks and eye contact do help a bit. So if you have something, a paper that you're looking at, for instance, and you're making a presentation, it's okay to look down at that paper and point to that paper, a point to that swatch of fabric or point to that wallpaper or that tile, whatever. Uh, that's okay. I think those little moments of breaking up the physicality of conversations are, are nice. And I think that it does give the other person a little bit of a break when it comes to them and listening to you. So if you think about when you're doing presentations as an interior designer, and you have all of these things put out on the table in front of you. And you're showing them to the client. You don't have to stare the client in the eye when you're talking about this piece, those little moments of breaking eye contact are totally fine. Now that doesn't mean that you're going to stare out the window longingly thinking about your Starbucks at three o'clock in the afternoon. When you really want it? No. It does mean that you can take a break from that, but it does not mean to constantly. Avoid the other person. think about how those nonverbal reactions and those nonverbal communications are happening to you. And if you need to record yourself, or if you need to go back and record yourself or watch a recording that you did with a client or with a vendor, or if someone's doing your presentation to you, such as an outside vendor, how are you reacting to them? 
And how are you communicating with them? Non-verbally it's really important and it can be hard. I know to watch yourself on. On camera or to listen to yourself on a recording or to whatever. But you just have to do it because it's going to make you better. It's going to make you better for the next situation. And you might even see yourself in a way that other people are seeing you, but you didn't even know that you were coming across or portraying yourself as. And you might be surprised and you might want to figure out a way to change that. analyze yourself and think about the ways that you are coming across to other people and try to do that in the most positive, reinforcing, understanding way possible.
mentioned being a chameleon of sorts earlier and drawing on your past experiences to better communicate with people. And I like to have this sort of reservoir, if you will, of experiences in my life. So when something happens to me that I feel could be relatable to someone else, or there could be another interpretation of that situation that could help other people. I write it down, I put it in my phone and I take note of it. I mean, if it's a big situation, like you didn't go back and listen to episode one of this podcast. 
And if you haven't heard that one, it is a big, big, big eyeopening experience that I had when I first started my company. But those situations I don't have to write down. They are, uh, life or death. They are literally the point of losing everything to growing my company to where it is now. But if there's so smaller moments, if it's a conversation that you have with someone or just any sort of interaction that you have, that you feel could be relatable to other people store those somewhere and write those down, write what the situation was and who it was with and what you learned from it and what the resolution was. 
And I think that by analyzing again, those past moments in our lives that were, pivotal. To making us who we are and it doesn't have to be by the way, a positive outcome. It could be a negative outcome that you don't want to happen again. So whatever is happening to you in your life, you do have these experiences to draw on. And by being that chameleon and being able to sort of relay yourself to other people, uh, is important. 
instance, if you're speaking to your audience on social media and you're on Instagram and you are speaking to a certain demographic, I've spoken before about having that ideal client and having that person that you are speaking to. And if you really know that person, you know what to say, and you know how to say it, and you know what they are going to react to just as the reason that you guys are listening to this podcast. Now, I hopefully am saying things to you that you have either thought before, or that you wanted to know more about, but I know. Uh, in my head, this, I have this sort of avatar of a person that I'm speaking with, and that is you listening. So that is helping me to. You know, say the right things to, to relay the information to you in a way that I know that you will receive. think about that as you were speaking to your audience, and that could be your audience on social media, that could be your audience on the phone. If it is a discovery call and someone is calling your office, you want to be sure that you are portraying that professional and knowledgeable, but also personable image of yourself and your company, because those. First moments are very critical to of course establishing a longer term relationships. think about how you are, portraying yourself to people and how you are sort of changing your message and changing your tone. If you will, to each different audiences, you're going to speak to. Uh, and existing client a little differently than you're going to speak with a prospect, right. There's things that, that person needs to know that the other person doesn't. So think about who your audience is, and it could be an audience of your team members. It could be your vendors. There are ways that you can engage with that person in a positive way, but in a way that they understand. And that's where the empathy that's, where they're drawing upon your past situations. Comes into play. And that is really just by being your true self. You're also going to be more engaging. I talked about this before. defining your own success is such a big part of what I teach to my students, what I teach to myself. And I have to remind myself daily that I'm not. Put on this planet to compete with someone else. I'm put here to be my own person. And my level of success is something totally different or it could be, I should say. Totally different than something for someone else. So I, you know, have achieved a lot of great things, but that doesn't mean that somehow somebody else shouldn't want to achieve those same things as well. So just as. Having that different perception about what success means to me. I want you to also have that different perception about how you can relate to other people and find that common ground that that person needs. it is that your client really wants to impress their neighbors or impress their colleagues or whatever with their home, that's what they value and that's important to them. 
So play upon that. Speak in that manner with them, get them to that conclusion, get them to that final result and have no emotional attachment to it at all. You don't have to be. in the same mindset as they are when it comes to those things, but you know what they're looking for and our job as a designer is to solve the problem for our clients in the most efficient way. That is going to make them happy. if we did a little bit deeper, And just find the why behind the reason that they're asking you to do something, then you will get to the right answer. We spend a lot of time on the upfront portion of our client, onboarding with my company to really think about what is that client needing? What are they asking for? Why do they like this certain room? And by the way, it could just be that they liked one. Component of that room. So maybe they like one lamp or one table or one sofa and they show you an entire room. But if you don't dig a little deeper under the surface and find out the reason that they're showing you that image, you could think that you were going to design a room around this entire style. 
And this happened to me early on as a young designer. I just assume that the client was showing me a room and they liked the entire room so quickly realized like, no, no. They only wanted the faucet on that particular vanity in that room. So I encourage you to ask the why behind why the client is showing you something that they are enjoying. That also goes into confrontations and it goes into, you know, any sort of negative components to ask the why find out the why, why is it important for them to change something? Why is it important for them to, Want something more than what you're showing them, find out the reasoning behind it. It could surprise you and it could set the, the wheels in motion to solve problems down the road before they happen again. you know that a client wants to, designed in a certain way to make their kids happier or to bring them all together, or, , maybe their husband is wanting to, spend some time working in certain part of the house. 
So you make that. Area a little more. Workable for them to put it a little desk area, that sort of thing. But you wouldn't have known that had you not asked. So I encourage you to ask to dig deeper and to find the why behind your client's reasoning. For what they're wanting.
a recap today, I just want to wrap things up by reminding you how important communication is, how important. Quality communication is, and to ask yourself what you're doing, right? What you're doing wrong. Review your past communications, record those conversations, ask your team, ask your colleagues, how you are coming across in meetings, how you were coming across in moments of confrontation and difficulties. 
And if there are ways that you can improve that and I can guarantee you there are, I took a hard look at myself in the past and thought, wow, I really could do. A lot better than that. So just by following my own process for confrontations and for communications. I have found a way that works for me my way may not work for you, but I can tell you just by pulling myself away, extracting myself from the moment, trying to find a way to really let everything resonate with me. Before I come up with a quote unquote, answer to the problem or a solution to the problem has served me well. I also like to, again, pull a client away. If it's a confrontation, pull an employee away and have a one-on-one conversation with them privately in a separate area from where that issue occurred. And that is also a great way to diffuse that situation. past experiences are critical, as I said to helping the other party understand that you are empathetically listening and empathetically, responding to what they're saying. that also will take you leaps and bounds beyond a typical conversation. If the person knows that you are engaged and that you are listening to them. So find your own way to. I think about communication. Find out what works for you. Think about ways that you communicate with your social media. Think about ways that you communicate with your team. Think about ways that you communicate with clients and how that is different from the way that you communicate with your friends and family. 
There is a difference, but there's also an underlying tone to that. And think about also those nonverbal cues of communication. Are you looking away? Do you look like you're unhappy? Do you have a disgruntled look on your face? One thing I like to do is I'm a touchy person in. Anyone who knows me. I am. So I will touch someone on the shoulder, on the arm. And it is just my way of saying I'm here. I understand. I hear what you're saying. And it's nothing that I actually did intentionally. It just is who I am as a person, but that little nonverbal communication, that nonverbal cue that little, just a touch on the shoulder. Is something that has helped me too. Uh, disengage situations and to really, you know, take the anger out of the, the, the, the confrontation that could be happening now. I know in these days we have to watch where we touch people. Those things, but I didn't guarantee you if I've ever, ever touched you on the shoulder, on the elbow, it's nothing. That is a sexual nature. It is just me telling you that I hear you, and I understand you and am receiving. What you're saying. So I want you to, to ask yourself what you're doing right again, and what you're doing wrong with your communication and find the method that works for you. I hope some of these tips today have helped you to not only think about your communication and your style of communication, but also to maybe enhance that and grow upon it. 
And you will have yourself communicating. Even better than you are now, if you just take some time to hone those skills and it will help you close those deals, it will help you solve those problems. It will help you resolve issues with team members and clients, and it will just make you a better person all around to know that your communication style is being heard and being received. 
So that is it. My friends, I thank you for listening today. This has been the designer within podcast. I encourage you to. Follow me every week on the podcast. So you can learn more. But also, if you have things that you want to know about, please on YouTube, leave them in the comments below. Or if you are listening to this on your apple podcasts or your Spotify or wherever. Please send me a DM or an email. I would love to hear your comments about what you would like to hear about on the podcast and to find out what I can help better do to serve you. So that is it. I will see you next time and thank you so much. Keep learning, keep growing and keep designing my friend.
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