Welcome back. Alright. So, hopefully, you understand this by now, but I'm gonna put this slide up. Poor just there's no such thing as a bad response. There are only adaptive responses. Keep that in for a second. There's no such thing as bad. Bad is a subjective assumption. Good or bad? Well, how do you know? You have to look at history. If you look at history, you realize it's adaptation. Okay? That's why when you look at the DSM, I think all the d's so p t s what?
Shaboy, it it's classified as what? D, right, or d I d. All the it used to be called MPD, OCD, o d d d d d d d d d. All that shit. Right? If we just cross this shit out and put a r there instead and recognize it's a response to something. It's not a disorder. Disorder means it's kinda bad, if you will. Something's wrong with it. But the thing is is that there's nothing wrong with those responses. They're appropriate based on the history who follows. It
make sense? Yeah. Thank you very much. It's really important to understand that. I remember, I taught my father this a while back, And, you know, he's diagnosed PTSD and, from Vietnam. And he was, with his psychologist in, at the VA. They actually I know the VA gets a lot of shit, but they take really good care of my dad. They recently gave him some hearing aids that allow him to hear because other
ones wouldn't, because he has certain frequencies he can't hear. So it's not if he makes it louder, you just make the frequencies he can hear louder, the ones he can't hear louder. But they came out with a hearing aid that Actually changes the frequency of the sound so he can hear. So it's amazing to see that. So, like, I mean, that's life changing, and he also can't get away with that bullshit, what, anymore? You know? I know there's
been some times over the years where I said some shit that he heard. He was like, what? You know? Magically, if I go, dad, dinner's ready, he always heard that. Know, I don't know. It's a right? But remember I talked about the r part, and, he he actually got, like, yeah, based on my history, and he was a Medic in a helicopter for 3 years in the front lines of trauma. Saw all kinds of really horrific stuff, so it made
sense to him. And so he was with a psychologist, the VA, And they gave him his diagnosis, in Asheville because that's where he relocated to for a while. And he was, actually, can we just put PTSR on there? And obviously you can't because it's not in DSM, but the psychologist was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, well, have you heard of polyvagal theory because everything
is a response to trauma? And I I have a overactive sympathetic response to certain triggering events based on the history, so it makes sense. So it's not a disorder. Nothing wrong with me. I just had this history, and so it's a response to that trauma. Psychologist was like, do you have more information on this? You know? Like, it was really cool, to see that, and he brought in Porteous's book, which is this thick, and amazing. And also I had to read it a
100000 times. Like, what is he talking about? You know? Because it's academic. It's super academic. But it's amazing to kinda see that. But here's the thing, guys. Since I was at the trauma conference a few months ago, and if you look at all the diagnoses, a lot of them Or I should say all the diagnoses in the DSM could be a secondary response to a trauma. Now I'm not saying that they all are, but if you have a trauma, it's Possible they all could
be. So I'm not saying every response in the DSM necessarily is a specific response to trauma. I would hypothesize that. We don't have the data on that to make that claim, But it's very easy to understand how if you have some of the core wounding, even if it's a facial, you know, face to the the wrong face for the 1st couple years, that could respond into something that would be maladaptive. Who follows? Does it make sense? And what does maladaptive mean?
Just does it's no longer effective. Not functioning well, but it's an adaptation. Okay? So let's keep the slides up. And, so just understand, everything is a response. Now, by the way, that doesn't mean it's okay. Murder is a response to trauma, but that's not okay. So we're not saying if someone's traumatizing or hurting somebody else that they're off the hook, And I'm not also saying that they're good people in terms of their their behavior set. At an identity
level, they just don't know any better based on their history. And the other thing is is that we have to understand it to change it. Does that make sense? So the death penalty in one sense is, okay. Maybe that person will longer be here, but guess The systems and the people and all the environments that created that type of a person are still here, so we're gonna still see the emergent properties of things. Right? So we have to understand why it's there.
Everything's a response. How could there be so many mass shootings in America? Right? Well, that's a trauma response. It's not okay. It doesn't make it okay. No one should use trauma as an excuse ever, ever, ever. But we can use it as an explanation, and then we can start to change it. Because we understand what actually is happening, then we can change it. Let me break down something for you real quick and how this stuff here is super maladaptive. So I have a hypothesis about Sandy
Hook. Would you like to hear it? Okay. So you had a young man who committed that atrocity. Okay. Now if you look what happened, okay, so the child is the one who did it. Okay. He was young. He was the the the the the son. So the 1st person he killed that day was who? His mother. I would hypothesize there was significant maternal emotional withdrawal. I would hypothesize. I don't have their history, but I would hypothesize. Okay? Now do you know where the
mom worked? At the school where there were children, and I bet that she was present And attuned is my hypothesis. And that that creates so much rage here that She he this what he he was really raging against the mom, but you. I'm gonna kill you and the people that you that took you from me or the people that you love more than you love me in that mindset. Doesn't make it right. But, yeah, how the could this happen? And I don't know the
trauma history here. I don't know the trauma history here. I don't know any of this type of stuff. This is an atrocity. Who follows? Obviously. But when you when you when I look at it, I'm like, I wonder. That would actually kinda make some sense out of it. And so when we look at these type of things by the way, is it her is it his mother's fault? No. Oh, about the fallout. So
oh, okay. So I went after that. Okay. Okay. So it's not the mother's fault, and and, obviously, this man should be held responsible for his actions. So we're not saying, oh, he's traumatized. I'm off the hook. Right? So doctor Nassar, who did those awful things to the Olympic team, the gymnast team, should be in jail for the rest of his fucking life. And we understand what was his pathology, what happened in his history to cause that to happen, not to let him off the hook so it
never happens again. Who follows? This makes sense? Right? We have to start looking through this lens. So I don't know if that's true, but it seems like it might be. What do you guys think? Maybe? Maybe. Okay. So, yeah, this stuff, when it goes now adaptive long enough, can be very, very, very, very, very toxic. Okay? So Moving on. Internal working models are also known as attachment styles. Okay. So we're kinda shifting into the land of attachment. Okay? And you have to understand that
your unique attachment history forms your style. Okay? And I'm gonna give you different styles. There's more. There's different names for Okay? Okay? But you have a tendency to be 1 or the other. Okay? So the primary attachment styles, first, we got secure, and secure attachment is just a consistent response to needs. Right? I'm here, And you're here, and I'm consistently responding to your needs. You're consistently responding to my needs.
If we go and we have a rupture, we know how to repair it. By the way, what's the cure for perfectionism? What's a cure for perfectionism? Making mistakes. Making mistakes? Is that well, perfectionists are like maybe. Yes. That's correct. But Is it a participation trophy? Developing a more secure attachment. Okay. We can get the lights up more too if it's possible with the room lights. The the the the cure for perfectionism, guys, is the ability to repair.
If I don't get it perfect, then it's gonna something bad's gonna happen, and I can't come back from it. I can't repair it. If I don't get it perfect on the test, Then I can't go to college. The repair opportunities are so low. But if you know that you can repair in a relationship, like, you can up and come back and have it be okay and kinda get back on the same page. You can risk more. You can speak up more. You can heal more in a relationship. Knowing that you
can repair is awesome. Now you don't wanna take advantage of that and do some really fucked up shit because you're gonna repair, obviously. But in general, day to day relationships and stuff like that, if we know that we can kinda get off track, and that's okay. And then we can come back on track, and that's okay. Well, that's awesome. Right? There's a couple that I once met. Their claim to fame was, we've never argued in 10 years. I had 2 simultaneous thoughts. You are some
seriously fucking dissociated people. 1st thought. 2nd thought. Who never That's that is just that is true. Okay? It is true. Right? Because you can't really be intimate and loving and passionate with somebody if you're holding stuff down. You just can't do it. It's not how it works long term. Right? When you let stuff out, when you know how to emote, when you know how to express, when you know how to be heard and not, you know, put 1 down or all that type of stuff and actually be validated.
Not to say I agree with you in terms of the facts, but I can't argue with your experience. I can't argue with how you feel. I understand how you would feel that way. That type of repair builds all kinds of amazing intimacy. Intimacy is the byproduct of telling the truth. Intimacy is the byproduct of being seen and heard. Intimacy is the byproduct of repair. Who follows?
This makes sense? So in the beginning, it might be all passionate romance and stuff like that, but fights are not bad if they don't hurt you. Because what happens is when you get this regulated, you wanna bring those parts of yourself up to be vocalized and acknowledged, and that's how it heals. So in a relationship, the way you heal the trauma is through things not going well and then repairing it. And the more you can repair it and the more you can bring it back, The
calm on your nervous system becomes. Who follows? This makes sense? And that's the parenting we never got, typically. And that's what secure attachment's all about. Okay. Avoidant. Typically rigid, distant, or there's no response to needs growing up. So for me, my mom, broken back. She didn't not love me. She wasn't abusive, but she wasn't emotionally
available, so she couldn't reach for me. And I remember, like, I talked to my dad once about this one trip we took to my grandparents' house when I was about 3 years old and how alone I felt because I had a memory come back up. And he he said to me literally, like, well, we knew you could handle it. I'm like I couldn't handle it. I'm vulnerable as you. You know? Like and, you know, we worked it out and stuff like that, but, you know, he's coming from trauma, Vietnam War seeing the
worst. Oh, you can handle being in a room with yourself for a few weeks. That's nothing. And in a sense, it isn't much compared to what he went through, but for a 3 year old child, it's terrifying. Right? And so my nervous system's expectation is that if I call out, no one will be there. And if they are, they're hurt. I have to take care of them. Right? Because that's my experience with my mom. By the way, Is that a could
that be a strength too? I had to take care of my mom, figure out what was wrong, call bullshit on what a lot of the doctors were saying with respect, and find a better way. How is that a strength? That's what I'm doing right now. Who follows? This makes sense? But if it was all I was doing and I didn't be able to come back to secure attachment, I'd be fucking lonely, dysregulated, all that type of stuff. Okay? So avoidant is Far off, you start to
shut down. In fact, the avoidants say, you know what? There's really no value in using my attachment system. I'm just gonna shut that shit down. I'm gonna just to be a loner. Do my own thing. Okay? Now the anxious what happens to the anxious folk is that they have Fonts to the needs, and it can even be a really secure response. The problem is that it's inconsistent. Right? That object permanence isn't
there as much. So that's why if your parents, you know, are working 2 jobs or something like that, and they're there, when they're there, it's fucking awesome, but then they're not there. Right? That's the beginning of sort of the anxious attachment style. And so the expectation for the anxious attachment style is, oh my god. I'm gonna get my needs met, and I think they're gonna and leave. Who follows? Does it make sense? Right? And this is the beginning of what we call fix me by Sunday.
You better fix me during this seminar because Monday's coming, and I know I'm leaving and you're leaving, so I better fix it now. All the anxious people are like, I know. Right? Like, yeah. Right? And so the opportunity to understand is that anxious attachment you know, it's not that you have maybe generalized anxiety. It's that you have object permanence Trust issues in the sense that you're gonna have something, but it'll be taken away.
Avoidant people have gone through this shit so much. They're like, why the when I think it's gonna come back. Why? And by the way, I don't want it to come back. You know what I wanna know why? Because I can do it by myself. And that happens until it gets too hard, and that's when we the healing crisis and stuff like that starts to happen. And what's really interesting is that typically you tend to get avoidant and anxious people
attracted to each other. Right? And what's even more interesting, though, is that you do have avoidance and avoidance and anxious and anxious. And sometimes that's even better, though, There'd be, like, 2 avoidants together or 2 anxious people together. Because, like, how do 2 anxious people cope? Both of them. Right? How do 2 avoidant people cope?
Yo. I'm a take him to space. I already took it, so to you. I mean and to understand why you're wired the way you're wired doesn't mean, that you have to be wired that way from now on, but it is a default coping mechanism. Right? So when you get this regulated for me, when I get this regulated, I wanna go to Bali for 3 months. Right? When Jenna gets this regulated, she wants to be together with her her whole family for 3 months. And the opposite, that's like, is so
dysregulated. If you want, I'm dysregulated, and I gotta be all these for 3 months. Zellix, please. You know? Like, I can't do it. Right? Give me the wine. I need my CBD if I'm gonna do that shit. Right? But imagine for the anxious person being far away. Same thing. Right? So it's not just generalized anxiety. We don't Always have generalized anxiety. It's situational. It's
situational. Okay? But there's a 4th style and the 4th style, I love you I love this group because I think it's probably most of the people in here, I would guess, is disorganized. Right? Unpredictable response to needs, a combination of 1, 2, and 3, and a lot of times, the caregivers were dangerous and safe. Oh. Right? And so do you have ADD, or do you have a disorganized attachment style? Interesting. Interesting. And so disorganized, these people,
They're like this. They're like, would you please come here while you go away? I really need you to leave, but stay. Right? And they're like, well, what do you want? I mean, I want this. Come here. But right there. But come a little bit closer, Sir, but back the up. Right? Who knows somebody like this? Let me see if I show of hands. Maybe it's a borderline personality or maybe you're disorganizingly attached. Maybe shit was
dangerous and safe at the same time. That's really confusing. And for disorganized attachment, what happens is the threat response in the body, the the amygdala, all the sort of sympathetic responses that kinda activate and threat get overridden so many times That they don't know when they're in danger sometimes. That's why they stay in an abusive relationship. That's why they become entrepreneurs. If you have a disorganized attachment style, you are primed to be a entrepreneur.
You're like, okay. So I'm a start my business and I'll be out of money by tomorrow, but who cares? YOLO. We'll figure it out. You hire someone anxious. You can't do that. If you do that, the business will completely fucking erupt. Someone else is avoiding on the team. So whatever. Just start another business. Who cares? Disorganized. Isn't all this so much fun? Oh my god. Who falls? Does it make sense? Right? And we have different
aspects of this. Would've guessed that a lot of us tend to be here. By the way, this organized attachment makes you a great special forces. Marines, Army Rangers. Navy SEALs. Why? You can handle any stress. Any stress can you imagine that sup like, someone who's primarily anxious as a Navy SEAL? They'd be killed so fucking fast. Can you imagine the avoidance? Everybody on the team would hate them. Yo, bro. I know you got shot and shit, but whatever, bro. That's on you. You know?
Right? Disorganized is a beautiful thing for that's something that's, like, really intense situations, entrepreneurship, etcetera. Because there's a level of stress that happens that's unlike these 2 who falls. Does it make sense? Right? And the other thing is is that if you look at, like, business building and stuff like that, disorganized people start businesses because it's fun. Let's see what happens. I'm gonna die today or I'm gonna live today.
Either way, it'll be fun. Right? Anxious people tend to start businesses because they want approval. I wanna be in I wanna be light. Okay? Avoidants tend to start businesses because they wanna be in control. No one's gonna tell me what to do. I'm gonna What's interesting is is that avoidant and disorganized attachment have a really hard time building teams because they really have no skill set for relying and counting on other people. They don't
know how to do it. So you put someone in disorganized attachment, they'll be a really good solo practitioner. They start asking for help, they don't know how to do that. Freaks them the out. Help me, but not right now. But right now, but do it, but not yet. Right? Like And the avoidants are like solopreneur, bro. Just automate that shit and get a Filipino VA and Good, man.
No help. Right? Anxious people have a harder time starting businesses, but they're really good at growing them because they're really good with people. Right? So typically you see these 2 styles be more like founders and stuff like that, and then these are more team. Now that's
not always the case. Okay? Because and the other thing is if you look at the the a study came out last year on, like, attachment style and entrepreneurship, and avoidant and disorganized people who have that Style tend to hang with businesses longer in the beginning because they're more used to tolerating and avoiding pain. Anxious attachment style tends to give up first. Because in the beginning of a
business, do you get approval? Yes or no? No way. So it's harder for them to start and grow a business because it's like, no one's Proving of me. Because when you start a business, you actually sometimes decrease proximity with your secure with your primary attachment figures. You're not around your parents as much. You're not around people as much or you're used to being around so you're kinda out there in isolation. For anxious, that's really hard. For these 2, it's like, and? Who follows?
This makes sense? Right? So who's starting to understand themselves at an even different level now? Right?