Let's just pop into some questions and let's see what we got. Good job raising your hand. Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me. So, um, should I just share my original? And let's, let's ask your question first. So remember what your question was that you put in the chat or what you're struggling with? Yeah. So I was struggling.
I have, I believe that I have figured out very well, the belief and all the original questions, but the kind of the new questions, even the new memory, new emotional states, new story, I was struggling with all of it. That makes sense. Let's let's let's back up. Pause for one second. Why do you think you'd be struggling with it? So I have to share my one second. One second. We'll do that in a second. But I'm just asking you a question first. Why do you think you're struggling
with it? Because it is related with my mother and I know I've been harboring the law. Pause, let me pause. Hold on. Can you feel by the way this is true for you and everybody? You want to get into the story? Yeah, you feel that? Okay, I'm gonna pause you on that for one second. Okay. We're gonna get there. But I want to say something first. Okay. Why are you having trouble? It's not about your mom. It's gonna be really obvious. I want to highlight this so that
the rest of what you share has context. It's gonna be so obvious when I say it. Say it. I'm not gonna say it yet. Why are you having a hard time? I don't know. That's correct. That is correct. Okay, now would you like to know why I think you're having a hard time? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, I think you're having a hard time because because you've never done this shit before. I think this is a brand new thing for you. Is that true? Okay. So pause. - I can't understand, yeah. - Pause for one second.
But by creating these stories and these new emotions, all that is what's new. The stuff you're having a hard time with. Is that true? Okay. So, before we go into story, I want to highlight something that's very important, okay? I am observing you possibly expecting yourself to have a level of mastery over something you've never done. And I'm wondering how often that shows up for you. - All the time. - Okay, that is way, way important to acknowledge, okay?
What that tells me is you're used to probably being in situations where you're the most competent person, the most competent, smart person around, you know how to handle your shit, and you can probably have a high capacity for resilience to get through hard things. And you probably have a lot of intelligence and know that you have the general ability to, no matter what comes your way, get through it. Is some version of that directionally accurate? - Yes, absolutely.
- Okay, where that will mess you up is understanding to say, hold on a second, I don't know. This is new. In fact, it's not even, let me bring my prefrontal cortex online for a second. It's not even fair for me to have the same expectations here to have, be excellent at something I've never done. Now, before you share more about what came up for you, I'm curious specifically about what I just said, just for that for one second. What are you doing with what I just said? - It hits home.
I feel like you need to apply it and, and I mean, I need to think about it and see it in, you know, in life because I see it, but it's gonna help me when I take a step back in many interactions and in life. And it's a relief essentially. - Yes, so let me then ask you one more question and then let's talk about your history, if you want for a moment, okay? How does this approach to having to know everything relate to what you were about to share about your mom? - It's absolutely related, yes.
- Okay, tell me why. - Why it's related? - Yes. because I did not feel worthy or seen by my mom. So I was trying to be a perfectionist, you know, to make her love me. - That's right. So without getting into the story, can you see how we've identified the heart of the matter? - Yeah, I mean, you're a genius. I didn't even know how you. I didn't even say- - 20,000 hours, 15 years, lots of practice. - Wow. - Yeah. Or I just, no, you know, actually, you know what?
not true. I just sat on my meditation pillow and God downloaded it to me. I'm the chosen one. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding. The idea, but the idea is, is that what presents in this very moment, right, is a story, which can be valuable. But what we want to work on is the heart of the matter. And the heart of the matter is you not not knowing how to say I don't know. Because you had to know. - Yeah. - And you did a really good job knowing a lot of things.
And now what you're gonna know is what to do when you don't know what to do. Because if you don't know what to do, but you know what to do when you don't know what to do, then you'll know what to do. then you can not know a lot more. And that's called growth. Wow. So what are you doing? What I'm saying? I'm just thinking how that needing to know and trying to be perfect how it shaped all my life.
And by the way, I hope, and if it's not happening yet, that's okay I hope you can start to find appreciation for that part see what we do sometimes as we identify a part and then we beat the shit out of it we're like yeah problem but another part look at the part that likes to shame all the other parts a little shamer right you ever seen that Game of Thrones no there's a scene where this like Queen who's all-powerful like get loses all her
power named Cersei and she like walks through the street there's like these nuns are like yelling like shame like it's really like just like really intense scene and I just like if you a Game of Thrones fan you I'm talking about and I think we all have this part and I imagine it's like an inner nun just like shame on you for procrastinating shame on you for perfectionism doing the shame walk right it's like actually now we actually found
a more important part to find and to love up on which is that shame part because that shame part is trying to get it right part which is actually what's driving the perfectionism. Does that make sense? - Yeah. - Right? So it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to get it right, 'cause if I don't get it right, I get this part that comes up and basically just like, shames me.
- Yeah. - What I need to do to move forward is to love that shamed part, 'cause my mom couldn't, lots of people couldn't, but like, whoa. Shame? Thank you for trying to get it right. Thank you for trying to get me to say it the right way. Thank you for trying to keep me connected. Thank you for trying to keep me out of trouble. What's happening for you as I say that?
- I'm actually thinking that I kind of, I'm in the process right now to dealing with it, but the stuff that I initially wanted to talk about, it's kind of much deeper, not deeper, but might be harder to address because it's more like, maybe actually I'm thinking that trying to be perfect really got me in trouble because that brings me to the other thing that I initially wanted to talk about,
which is like loneliness and lone wolfing. And I'm like thinking, oh my God, let's do something quick because all my life, I guess it's the shamer part, I screwed up. So let's fix it as soon as possible, which is you know, I guess the, the part that wants to know. So it's all like struggling in my head, all those parts, I guess. Because I'm like, I want to know, I need to know right now to do it. I can't be in the wrong, you know, the rest of my life.
Well, for the part of you that needs to know what to do right now, the answer is to turn towards the part that needs to know. Where do you feel that part in your body? I think it's a strong desire in my heart, probably. And how old does that part think you are? How old? Oh. It's interesting. Maybe I want to say 20. And what happens if that part doesn't know what to do? The shamer part comes in. Oh, see, this is I love this is the show I love. Right? We get to the heart of the matter.
and she's like, "Actually, there's this other deeper part "that might be harder," and we're right back to where we started. - That's right. (laughing) Yeah. - Yeah. So what we want to focus on is, and I'm gonna say this, and I don't mean this literally, but I'm speaking to the part that feels the shame. Okay? We wanna make it safe to live a shameful life for that part. 'Cause I could reframe it and go, well, it's not shameful, it's this, it's healthy, it's that. You learned this in childhood.
But for that part of you, it's still gonna feel like it's shameful even if we reframe. - Yeah. - Parts don't want reframing, they want acknowledgement. And what I will tell you is that, I think it's like a way to hurt yourself more if you try to assume that this happened for a reason. I think that's a way of hurting yourself more. Something had to happen. There's a reason why this happened. What if there's no reason why this happened, but you can find purpose from what happened?
- But then I can't reframe the original incident if I can't. - Exactly. - And then what? - Because here's the thing, trauma is not a lesson. Trauma is not a gift. Trauma is not something you decided to have before you got here. Trauma happens. and what you do with the trauma you've been through, that's where your choice is, and that's where you can find purpose. So finding purpose from trauma is different than finding the purpose of the trauma. Those prepositions matter, from and of.
If there's a purpose of this trauma, if there's a purpose, why this happened to me, now I'm gonna assign a meaning to God, or to humanity, or to my soul before birth, or some shit like that. I'm going through this for a reason. If you are, trauma happens.
But if you can find purpose from the trauma, you can find a purpose for the trauma, something happened to you, and now I'm gonna use it for this growth potential, I'm gonna use it for this healing thing, I'm gonna use it to become more compassionate. That's the reframing that we wanna focus on. - Okay. - Because why did it happen to you? I don't know. It's impossible to say that. And I'm not gonna sit here and go, yeah, some, some, your soul chose it before you were born.
Like, I don't know about that. Maybe, I don't know. What I found is when you talk about someone like Viktor Frankl, who was in Auschwitz and lost most of his family and he was in the worst of the worst, you know, what got him through was realizing, oh my God, when I survived this, which is a positive, I mean, who knows if he was actually gonna survive at the time, but he imagined himself helping others with what he was going through right now. Not this happened and my soul chose it to be here.
But no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right. It's now that I'm here and I'm in this situation, I imagine all the good I can do with this knowledge, which is different than my soul chose to be in Auschwitz or some shit like that, which is just so ridiculous. Okay. That part, I feel like I apply raising my son differently. However, I'm still struggling and it might be not necessary. How to forgive my mother or we're not on forgiveness right now. Okay. So that's not what we're on.
What we're on is what we're on is living a shameful life. Go do all that shameful stuff. Notice, think about this, right? Think about the stuff you feel ashamed of, right? When you don't get quite right. It's probably stuff you care about most. Like, have you ever shamed yourself for taking out the trash the wrong way? - Yeah. - Okay, you must care about that. Have you ever shamed yourself?
What's something that you've never shamed yourself for that would be obvious, like drinking water or like something really basic? - Yeah. - Okay, so you've never shamed yourself for drinking a glass of water. Okay, but the things you probably care about, orderliness, tidiness, things like that, relationships, The things that matter to you probably shame yourself for. Right? But then that stops you from doing things in those areas, doesn't it?
So the only option is to go live a shameful life for that part. It's not the fact that you feel the shame that's the problem. The problem is that you stop when you feel shame. - Okay. - See, if we could help you improve your relationship to that emotion, you'll know what to do. you think that you shouldn't feel shame. - Yeah. - And what I'm saying is that part of you should be there and probably will feel shame. And we're gonna go do all those shameful things, like what?
- I can't think of it 'cause I'm still in the other parts and processing what you said, so I kind of can't think of the little things of life, but. It's interesting because I feel like it'd be really easy for you to think about the things you shame yourself for. If what? How many things do you shame yourself for? Getting wrong, not doing perfectly. How many things? Probably shit on a daily basis. Um, I feel like I stopped at some point. I forced myself to stop.
Except for today when you couldn't figure out the answer. Yeah. But what I mean like with the little things of life, I stop, but the big things that are really important. - I didn't say little things, I said the shameful things. - Yeah. - What are the things you shame yourself for? Not getting what right? Relationships, money, what? Health? - Relationships, not finding the right job. - Yeah, so like let's go do shameful things in those areas.
And I'm only speaking to that part, I don't mean literally go shame yourself. but the part of you will feel shame. Like for me, it always feels like no one will be there. So I think about like, what are the things I'm worried about no one showing up for? It's like marketing events, coaching calls, social media, whatever, right? Like the most important things. I'm not like, oh my God, there's nobody that's gonna show up to my shower. Like I don't want anyone to show up to my shower.
(laughs) Right? I've never once worried about that, right? but the things where that really kicks in are the areas that mean the most. And so where we have high vulnerability, we have high shame in your case. So when we say go live a shameful life, what I'm really saying is go do the things you care about most. If the price of freedom is to make friends with shame, I bet that's a very cheap price compared to what you've already paid.
- Yeah. - I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but it is relatively simple. And I bet as you get into the program, what's the opposite of shame? - I guess being proud of myself? - Yeah, I bet that some version of that emotion will emerge as your purpose emotions as you get into modules four and five. - Okay. - Usually the thing that we're going for contains the opposite emotional content of what we're coming from.
So if we're coming from shame, we're going towards being proud or some version of that. - Okay. And that's where we get inner conflict. I wanna do things that make me feel proud of myself, but I feel this shame. Welcome to the land of ambivalence and inner conflict, which is predictable in every journey. And now I get to bring that to the program. And now I get to create corrective emotional experiences that help me feel proud of myself, even when I feel shame.
Another way to put it is, when you talk about new thoughts and behaviors, make a list of all the shit that you felt shameful of and flip it upside down and say, my goal is to feel proud of myself in this scenario. Does that make sense? Are you breathing? - I stopped for a second. (laughs) I'm breathing. - Yeah. So does that answer your question? - Thank you so much. Yeah. - Beautiful, awesome. Let's hear from y'all, so good. - Thank you. - So good. I love this show. This is like so fun.
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