How To Welcome Back A Part Of You That Has Been Missing - podcast episode cover

How To Welcome Back A Part Of You That Has Been Missing

Apr 02, 202515 minSeason 1Ep. 471
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Episode description

Welcome to this week’s episode of the Mastin Kipp Podcast!

In this episode, you’ll learn about:

  • How trauma can cause us to dissociate from fear and other difficult emotions.
  • The importance of accepting parts of ourselves before trying to reframe or change them.
  • Why shame (feeling "I am bad") is different from guilt (feeling "I did something bad").
  • And much more!

Click here to get free samples of all six Lypo-Spheric LivOn supplements (a $30 value) with your first purchase at LivOnLabs.com/mastin.

Click here to get my brand new book Reclaim Your Nervous System: A Guide to Positive Change, Mental Wellness, and Post-Traumatic Growth.

Transcript

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too. I wasn't sure if I was going to pop in this week, because it's been a bit of a roller coaster, but I'm feeling comfortable. So, Cool. Happy your day. I've had a, a new part come back into my life that has been gone for about twenty years. A new part or an old part? Well, new to me, I guess. Okay. Got it. She's been she's been missing for a while. She's been around. She's been around. Yeah. I had some early childhood abuse issues and so my, my my way was dissociating anytime I

felt fear. Makes sense. So I haven't actually felt fear in my body for about twenty years until this week. Oh, okay. I'm feeling it now and it's very strange, because it used to be that I would be afraid and then my mind would go on like a little adventure. So I'm not used to feeling this in my body and still being present like I am right now. Okay. So you're feeling, but you're also being present.

Yeah. Love that. Okay. And I guess my question is, if you have any advice on how to, take care of this new or new to me part because it feels kind of fragile and like I want to be careful with it and not overtax it. Okay. And I don't want to retraumatize this part of me. I want to welcome her back. It just feels very strange to be in my body right now. And and I I think it's probably because I finally feel safe to feel in my body, which is great. Yeah. Definitely. So how do I

continue to foster that? Who do you think you should ask? Probably that part. Good idea. Yeah. So where do you feel that part in your body? That part has always lived in my lower back. Okay. So maybe you just, like, bring some awareness there. Mhmm. And just kinda notice before you even do anything as you bring awareness there, like, what happens? Yeah. I've been trying to do stretches and stuff, and I've noticed when I do that, I start yawning a lot and then I

relax. Okay. And as you bring awareness to that part of you now, what happens? Mhmm. Tinkling. And could you ask her her permission to see if we she'd be willing to talk to us? She's very shy, but she's being brave right now. Yay. Well, thank her for being brave. So let's ask her, a question which is, like, obviously, this is a fear you've said. So ask her what she's holding that she's afraid of. Shame. She's afraid of shame? She's been holding

shame. So she's holding shame. Okay. And what is she afraid of? What's the fear about it? Being. Being seen? Being seen. And what happens when she's seen? Before when she was seen, she would be, rejected or ridiculed. Okay. And so is that the fear that she's holding? Yeah. And About being rejected or being ridiculed? And it's, I think, been causing a lot of, social anxiety and, I think I think I think the social part caused the anxiety part in your childhood. What

do you think? Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. So when when the social part of things is a good example, a good reason to have anxiety, then it's a social anxiety is appropriate, you know. You know, it's actually, kind of a beautiful thing because I've been, since I did Life Purpose Academy last summer, I've been building my community hardcore and I've been feeling really supported. And I noticed that when people were treating me well, this part would come up

and it's like like this unworthiness or I don't deserve it. And finally, I realized that, you know, these people are treating me so well that I I'm projecting something onto them. And so I went I went inward, and I and I discovered some things from my childhood that were very painful. So, a lot of this has been coming up, which is actually great because I wanted to feel it. Yeah. So I think I think she came back because I do feel loved and supported. So it's it's it's a good thing. Yeah. Is

that what she wants to hear? Which part? That it's a good thing that you're being loved and supported. Is that is that her belief also? I think so. Then why is she holding fear? A lot of people were very mean to her when I was younger. Yeah. So is it just a good thing for her? Not for you. For you makes sense, but for her. It's scary as hell. Yeah. There it is. Right? So here's the thing is that, like, you're you're reframing up here, which is great and awesome and don't stop. We wanna connect

the reframe to your lower back though. And before we reframe, we just wanna accept what's there. Yeah. Right? And what's there is she's afraid of other people because she has good reason to because she was rejected and ridiculed, but then she carried shame, right, which is way different than guilt. Guilt's like I'm doing something bad, shame is I am bad. Yeah. Right? So she's carrying around this I am bad identity that's caused by other people when she was

younger and you're like, no, it's a good thing now. And she's like, well, so much maybe. Yeah. What do you think about that? Yeah. Okay. So if that's the case, what do you think would be good for her to take care of her? Let's ask her what she wishes you could do or what she wishes that your mom or dad or caretakers could have done back then. I'll give you a hint. It's the opposite of rejection. Accept her. So meaning as is. Yeah. So ask her when

you're offering a reframe, does she feel accepted? It feels like I'm trying, and that's a good thing, but not necessarily. Right. But, like, but but but trying and feeling accepted are different. It's like effort okay. Great that you're making effort, but does she feel accepted when you're reframing? No. Okay. So by reframing without accepting her, you're repeating the retraumatization of rejection. It's not

that you can't reframe. We do want to reframe. Right? Right? We wanna be able to use these cortical structures that we have for advanced machinery to create a new life. But if we reframe, let's, like, think about what to do first, which would be accept. So ask her, instead of reframing, what would feel good for her? To stop feeling like she had to change. Okay. So if you were to say what to her? There was never anything wrong with you. Okay. Great.

And ask her if she'd be willing to let in the reframe if you could let her know there's nothing wrong with her and there never was. She's ready for something different. Yeah. Yeah. But only if you accept her, not if you Yeah. Reframe. So do you see how the order matters? Yeah. Tell me how you what you see about the order and how it matters. There's the the shame will never go away if I don't accept her exactly as

she always was. Right. So when you're like when you're like, well, I have this fear here I haven't felt in twenty years. Mhmm. And I wanna know how to take care of that part, and I don't wanna retraumatize that part. K. Beautiful. Order matters. So taking care of that part is like first things first. Does that make sense? Yeah. Right. Now let's ask her a question. Does she want to be in charge of everything? Does she wanna have to hold all that responsibility?

No. Okay. So she wants you to be in charge. Is that right? Mhmm. But she wants you to be in charge in a way that doesn't bypass her. Yeah. So how do we reframe, make a new decision, maybe even have her protest, and yet still let the adult part of you drive, the wiser regulated part of you drive? What does she think? Yeah. I think that, she kinda feels like she's been alone crying in a locked room for this whole time, and it's it's nice to get out.

Yeah. So we gotta make a deal though because if we don't make a deal with her, she's gonna hold on and stay in that room. So what deal can we make with her that says, okay. Well, you don't wanna hold all this. I'll hold it for you. So, like, let's let go a little bit so that we can be more social. But how do I include you but not let you drive and not bypass you at the same time? Like, how do I do that? Like, let's check-in with her and see what she

thinks. So we're holding that she's not gonna hold it all, but if she's all by herself and feeling rejected, then she's gonna have to. But she doesn't wanna hold it by herself. She doesn't wanna feel rejected. She wants to come out of there and be more social. So what does she need from you to do that even when she's protesting? I think she wants to feel like her opinions and her feelings matter. Like, she wants to be able to tell me how she's feeling about certain people.

Right. That will help me make a decision on whether or not to trust them. Right. And ultimately, if you're able to do that, how will she feel? Heard. And then Invalid. Yeah. And not retraumatized. And let's ask her if that's how she would be, if if that's what she would need to be non retraumatized if you take care of her. There was this whoosh that just went down my back. Yeah. Like a good whoosh or like a like a whoosh? It felt like putting on a warm

blanket after you get it out of the dryer. It's like, oh. Well, I think that's probably a good thing. Hopefully, there's no static. Yeah. It felt good. Okay. Felt calming. Alright. Great. So she basically just wants to be a part of the discernment process. Yeah. She doesn't want you to just ignore her. Like, no. It's good now that we're being social and all that thing. She's like, listen to me. I got info for you, basically. Is that right? Yeah. And then acknowledging that gave you a little

bit of a whoosh. Yeah, a lot of that fear is dissipated when when you said that. Yeah. Thank you. Cool. Did we answer your question? Yeah, you did and, I do want to say you were a big reason. Why I'm six four. This was one of the best years of my life. Oh, that's amazing. I'll receive that fully. And sometimes people say, Masten, how could you be my biggest supporter? And I'm like, well, I'm six four. So that's how. But I'm really happy for you. You're

doing amazing work. And, like, the rapport that you're building with her made it really easy for me to do my work just now too. So that says a lot about the work that you're doing also. So I'll take credit as long as you do. Well, you know, the day after she showed back up, I went to the store and I bought her this. Oh, love that. I love that. I'm like, that's what little me wanted was just the toys.

Yeah. Sometimes it's like I know some I remember one time I was on a retreat and I was like it was like a relationship retreat that I was leading and somebody's like, I wanna manifest divine love. I'm like, okay. What the fuck does that mean? Like, what are you talking like, you want Jesus to be reincarnated or you want Buddha to show up? Like, what what does that mean divine love? Right? Well, I I I want, like I just want,

like, a, like, a masculine man. I'm like, oh, okay. So, like, exactly what does that mean? Like, let's define with that. I mean, like, literally, like, all these, like, vague things. He's in his purpose and he's directional. Like, so he tells you what to do. He's controlling. Like, what do you mean? We get down. We get down. We get down. We get down. We get down. We ten minutes of, like, what do you mean by that? At the end of the day, she was just

kinda, like, kinda, like, crying, like, beautifully. And she's like, I just wanna hug. I'm like, okay. So we went from, like, divine love and masculine whatever to just somebody give me a hug. You know? Okay. I can work with that. You know? She got, like, 30 hugs because of it. You know? Like, it was really sweet with consent and stuff like that. But it's just, like, the more that we realize what we need, which sometimes is so basic and simple, the better. You know?

Yeah. You know, I, I named him Moe, and I give him a hug because I deserve Moe. Exactly. I love that. Yes. Love that. Silly. Love that so much. It's silly, but it's it's corrective and beautiful and healing. You know, I need silly. Silly works for me. Yeah. And, honestly, like, this this part of me didn't get to have the the level of fun that she deserved. And now I'm I'm noticing that I've got, like, a lot of childlike energy and I just wanna go play. Love that. Well, let's

go do that. That sounds like fun to me. Yeah. So awesome sauce. Beautiful.

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