Hey how's it going? Hi, can you hear me? Okay? Yeah. Thank you.
Let's talk about you.
So I think as a result of having so many experiences that were so abusive in my life, I tend to gravitate it to someone that was physical ly abusive. And so I was paired super young, I was bringing them when I was 19. And that person really left a really hard experience to to forget, because he was that physically abusive. So
there's that processing in your current relationship and responses for you.
Yeah, he triggers some part of him as
so is, is there actual abuse? Or is it just you're being triggered by him?
He he actually went through my phone as my phone was up and someone texted me. He had been betrayed in the past and I took that as you know,
violation but I'm just checking like, is there a physical abuse in your relationship or
No, no, it has not been somewhat history responses sometimes have been really like want to leave you know, get out of the room. And or maybe not pushing or anything but the other day he closed the door and then just triggered me
the sound Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. So okay, so
I'm having a really hard time identifying he is actually someone that is they could be potentially you know, abusive or not. I'm just like confused about
well, let's be super. Let's be super clear about something okay. So like physical abuse is like hitting hurting physical contact that you don't want, right? Like that's what physical abuse is. Emotional abuse is when you're feeling manipulated, and pushed constantly. Gaslight is an abusive process. Now, people online use the term gaslighting
wrong. Usually when someone says they're being gaslighted, or just being disagreed with right gaslighting is abusive when you say you're gaslighting me, it's like a very intense thing. gaslighting is when someone intentionally manipulates you to think reality isn't what it is, which is different than disagreement. Right? So it's like those are that those things are abusive, physical and
emotional abuse. Right. Neglecting you. Right playing games, stonewalling, you know, like silent treatment, all that type of stuff would be like in the realm of emotional, emotionally toxic, potentially abusive, right? So are those things happening? No. Okay, so like, he's not abusive, if those things aren't happening. Now, what he is, is he's triggered. And it triggers are not abusive, but they can trigger the feelings of abuse. And when people are in love, and their triggers are there, they do
weird shit sometimes. Right? So like, I'm not saying that going through someone's phone is like a good thing. Like, that would piss me off. Yeah, if someone threw my phone, right. And I can understand why somebody would if they'd been betrayed in the past. And so what I would say is, is that, like, that's not optimal behavior, long term. Right? And the, as you put this, the paradox is that our stuff comes up in relationships. Yeah, I know. And so sometimes, it can
see, like, is this toxic? Or like, what is this, but a lot of times, it's because we feel safe enough for something to come up. Right? And so, like for him, you know, it's like, he obviously has an attachment to you, that's, it's that's a powerful or he wouldn't be feeling jealous. And it's to the point where he feels like he's, you're probably someone important in his life, because he's feeling jealous, right? And he was probably betrayed by somebody
important in his life. So this is a chance for him to work through his work around that. And for you to also set boundaries and say, Hey, dude, like that ain't cool.
Yeah, yeah, I do. My I think my is he willing to do the work? He's doing the work and because I'm also in therapy right now have
to find that though. What do you mean, he's doing the work?
So we got several. I'm very into coaching and all these classes. So I've been like, hey, you know, I got this books, and then he's been proactive every time that behavior happen. I was like, so we've been like rationalizing what's happening. And for the first time, I feel like I And then you know a guy, listen. So he's following through with his behavior. And now if we got into, you know, we really don't argue, but whenever that happened, he had changed his way. Like he's now we
change. Yes, yes. Because whatever he was doing before yeah he was I was getting triggered by just by him standing up and trying to leave or tracing his voice or, you know, in I by issue was that I was getting super aggressive. So he was like what's going on, you know, because I'm spiting a very tall He's six feet tall. So we almost, you know, heels on his side. So yeah, I tend to get really aggressive and the masculine side that Leanne was talking about. So this makes put
a gun in my head. And I had a situation
that when you were trying to leave, I had
to kill two kids. So. So now I'm the one that responds like that. And let's get a cool, cool.
Let's pause your words for a second. Okay, so number one, just for everybody here. If you ever working with somebody who's in domestic violence situation, okay? The moment of most danger is the moment where the person who's being abused decides to leave. That's the moment of where like domestic violence homicide goes like way that and what Holly just said here, like, like, really like, speaks to that. It's amazing that you're alive.
So if you ever have people that you're working with that have domestic abuse, and they're in domestic abuse, what you want is you want to like partner or work with a local domestic abuse, shelter, and get a plan. Okay, because like there's, and there's also in the data nationally, a correlation between domestic abuse beds availability. And if they're, the more beds that are not available, meaning the more women they get, usually women that get turned away from those shelters, domestic abuse
homicides go up. So I think it's important that there's like a plan, right. So if there's no beds available, the likelihood that you'll just go back home or something is very high. Right. So you want to work with domestic abuse shelter, on a plan to be like a go bag, it was all the stuff that you want to create. And that's outside the scope of anybody's work here. Right. That's why you want to work with and refer to like, some type of local, wherever they are shelter to help them
leave safely. Because what you just said, I want to highlight since you said it is a very important teachable moment, there are lots of who do not get out like you did, that would be murdered in that moment. Right. So like the fact that you're here. And the fact that you went through that isn't well, if it went through that is horrible. And the fact that you're here is a miracle. And I want to
highlight that. And I also want to highlight like, that's the playbook moving forward, if you ever have a client that's in that situation, you don't just want to have them leave, you know, plan for how to leave safely are the kids gonna go if they parked their car, back the car into the driveway so they can get out of the car, and they'll have to back out, they can drive out the front way. There's lots of details that have to be covered for that
moment. And then you know, safe place to go for a period of time, there probably you need legal support, like all that type of stuff. Right? So I'm just saying that as like a public service announcement for everybody here since you brought it up. And since that's in your history. What I will say also, is when we experienced the abuse, like what you're describing, right, it's not you you're not becoming cuckoo, what you've done is you've internalized a part of you because of the abuse that's been
internalized. But I don't think that's you. I don't think that's who you are. I think that's something you internalize with somebody else.
Yes, and I think that's where I think I have to reset my my brain well,
but also understand that's not yours in the first place. That's not your nature. That's not who you are. That's not you. That's an internalization of somebody else's abuse towards you. Oh, that's not you. That's them. That's like a it's like a it's like a it's like a carbon copy. That's not who you are. I see. That's not in your nature to do that. Does that make sense? Of course, but you learned it, right? And so like, like from a
masculine perspective, right? I was talking earlier about how like the feminine always changes, but that includes triggers, right. So like, it's really valuable for you to like, name these different parts of you, like, you can name your triggers and name your parts. And then like, bring him in on it. But okay, so I have this one part of me it's internalized the abuser, that my ex held a gun to my head. And this part of me can be aggressive like he was sometimes, but that's not who I
am. But I have this internalized part, are you guys in therapy together?
He just got a new job. So about a month ago, so he's just three stabling for living. So he's gonna be out of town for like, five days. So that put like distance between us in that be like perspective between us. So we moved in together after knowing each other for about a year in which is worth dating, like a month's. So this just happened, like, about a month ago that we decided to live together. But since he's having his life, you know, changing
into job, this new job? He's just getting whatever he's getting coaching online, or
is he in therapy? No. So that might be that might be a request that you make, because it's like working through your triggers, like your triggers and his triggers? Like those, those are those are important. And that's not something that you should facilitate. Yes, then you're all of a sudden, now you're his mom, basically. Right? Yeah. Like the fastest way to break up a couple is to put one of them in a transformational experience and leave the other one out of it.
Right, because like, like, a couple is a couple of like, you have a shared experience, shared context of all of a sudden, you have this other experience for long enough without each other, that's like, really not gonna be good for the relationship. So usually, in terms of couples therapy, there's a web, you look up couples Institute is who we recommend. And it's like, they're the best of the best. And the best way to do it is to have like session where like,
you have a joint session. And then you have separate sessions, you have joins with the same therapist joint and separate joint and separate the problem is, you don't want to have like your therapist and his therapist, you could do that. But what you really want is you want to have one person who's with you individually and with him individually, and then with you to get both of you together. Because if you don't set it up that way, then what happens is
there's all this omission. Does that make sense?
Yes. Yes. And right now I'm on my female process. So I cannot be like doing his job and coaching him? You know, I cannot. I don't know the coach.
So I think that you have had to be the responsible one. kids out of the country, and you've had to be so responsible.
Why? No, I thought you've been with him. I'm like, No, but you're
young. What I'm saying is you have your history that that's been what you've been this recently. Yeah, my dad responsible? Yes. Right. So like, so like, that's why it's like, let's take that burden off of us. But you can just be yourself and you guys can guess create something together. The firm, in my opinion, the best time to do couples therapy is before you need it. Okay. Right. And again, it's together and separate with the same person, because then there's no
omission. It's like, it's just like, there's a continuity of care. That happens. If you put you with one therapist and hit with a different therapist, it's like, not as ideal.
And right now, it's not like, It's me against him, or we're not in that level at all. We try not just you so they're
doing the work and him traveling is what's happening. Yeah, yeah, that doesn't work either. But a lot of couples, what they'll do is they'll their own therapists, right? And it's like, no, I mean, you can, but you also would want to have someone that sees you both individually and together. So that you can grow that's called working on the relationship, because the relationship is a combination of you and him. That's a third thing that's both of you.
And you'll be able to navigate and work through these triggers in a way that I think will be very beneficial and valuable. Yeah, there were at the end of like, I think my first like, year or two of like intense therapy, I thought I had it all figured out like after like my mid 20s After all that cocaine stuff. I thought I had it all figured out and my therapist laughed at me and she's like, massive like if you think you
have it all figured out. Like you really want to learn like you'll get in a relationship. And I was expecting her like celebrate all this knowledge I had, she was like let's see how you do in a relationship. Yeah, I did not do well. Yeah,
I've been single for I was single for like six years after I was in another relationship long term, but then I had been single. So I, you know, I was like, it's better not to be with anybody, you know? Yeah.
Yeah. So let's let's, let's make it better to be with somebody by being intentional about building something together versus separate. Because that the other thing about what you're saying is, what the way he travels and stuff, it's a really good setup for avoidance on your part to not rely on things that require things, right. So what we want is to like, confront lovingly not avoided because avoidance over time, it like does lead to all kinds of leakiness. And you don't want relational leaks.
Because that like sets the scene for all kinds of stuff that you don't want to have happen.
Okay, taking notes in how you don't mind me asking 40 No, no, what? You don't know if
I know but before we want to January, so yeah, I got that. I got that golden California hair, though, makes it look younger. So me to ask I'm 12 so it's fine.
Thank you for being so thank you.
Very welcome. Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing. It's beautiful. All right. Let's hear for you.