So let's talk about, emotional availability. Emotional availability. This is a fun topic to talk about. So I coach a lot of people on, this topic. And when you're doing your trauma work and when you're healing, and looking and evaluating your relationships, one of the things that's really important is to be seen and heard and known and understood and validated and loved for who you really are in all your different parts.
And, this topic of emotional availability is a really interesting topic because people say they want it, but I don't think a lot of people know what emotional availability really is. Because being available emotionally means that, all parts of you are welcome and all parts of the other person are welcome. And so when we think about the ramifications of that, right, what does that mean? It means the parts of you that are acceptable, of course, are welcome, but then the other
parts that are hard are also welcome. Those could be parts of you that you think are, you know, shameful or have been rejected in the past or aren't beautiful or aren't handsome or aren't enough for whatever reason. And the truth is, when you meet somebody who's emotionally available, or if you're the person who's emotionally available, someone needs you, that's a
scary moment. And it's a scary moment, I mean, for everybody because when we're starting to express emotions that haven't found a place to land yet, haven't had found a place to be yet, it's a really scary thing because for a reason, maybe our parents or our family members or our loved ones, couldn't love those parts of us. So they we learned only certain parts of us were lovable. When we get into relationships where, those parts start to surface, it's a
really hard thing. And so one of the signs that you are either becoming emotionally available or around someone who is, is that there's a fear there. There's a fear that starts to come up around judgment. And it could feel similar to a fear that says, you know what? This relationship isn't healthy for me. But there's a part of us that knows that, you know what? Like, this person feels safe. So when there's that fear
expressing your emotion without safety, that's not emotional availability. Emotional availability is when you feel the fear, but you have a sense of that person is safe to be around, safe to share with. And sometimes, after you share vulnerably about things that are hard to share about, you can have, you know, what Brene Brown talks about as an a vulnerability hangover, which can be real and legit and
something that is, a very real phenomenon. And it can also be one of the most valuable things in the world to share parts of yourself with someone else that you maybe have not shared with anybody else before. Because ultimately trauma, and adverse experiences, bottom line at, I do not know how to or I can't or I'm not able to share what's most important to me with somebody else and really be seen, be known, be heard, be realized,
recognized, validated for who I really am. Not just parts of me that are acceptable, but all parts of me. Because when we experience trauma of any kind, our psyche fragments into lots of different fragments. And when our psyche fragments, parts of our nervous system get the message that, like, hey, that part is not welcome here. The part that feels shame or guilt or the part that is, vulnerable in whatever way. And so emotional availability says, hey, you know what?
Like, all parts are welcome. And you don't rush into emotional availability, in relationship. That's like more like emotional vomiting, which can be, you know, that's not intimacy. Right? Emotion availability and trust are built over time. But I think a lot of people have this, like, kind of fantasy fairy tale that emotional availability is this, like, beautiful amazing thing that's, like, not scary when in reality, it's like a really scary thing. And then it becomes beautiful and amazing once
you feel seen and heard in a new way. And you're giving your body what's called a disconfirming experience in that way. Because when you get seen and heard and understood in a new way, that's called a disconfirming experience. And your nervous system starts to get proof, like, oh my god. Like, all parts of me are welcome in relationship where maybe when we were younger, that's not the message that we got. We maybe got you know what?
Only like 3, 4, 5 parts of you are actually welcome to be here and the rest are not welcome to be here. And emotional availability says, you know what? All parts of you are welcome. And it takes time. I know for me, I feel like I'm pretty, I practice this a lot and it's still really hard, to bring all parts of myself forward. And I do it very specifically in very specific relationships. And then the context of coaching, super easy for me to help other people,
access their emotions. But for me to share, you know, still takes a safe container. So even if you're really well rehearsed and well practiced at this, and even if you're really good at holding space for other people in more of a professional context or your friends, it's really hard when you start to share too. So emotional availability is one of the most beautiful things in the world and
also highly terrifying to experience. And I wish you the, beautiful, terrifying journey of, experiencing this thing called emotional availability and having parts of yourself, loved and seen and heard and recognized and validated that perhaps haven't been before so that you can step more into who you really are and experience that emotional freedom. So I've seen a lot of confusion between this idea of coregulation, which is imperative as informed by us, by
doctor Steven Porges in polyvagal theory and this idea of self healing. And I think the holistic psychologist Doctor. Nicole has done an amazing job of making self healing very well understood and I think there's some confusion out there about Mastin like self healing versus co regulation how does that work. So let's talk about that for a second,
okay? In pure attachment science, right, the idea is is that if you didn't have secure attachment as a child, right, consistency, attention, attunement, you cried out and somebody came, like all that basic kind of secure attachment quality, right, then, you know, that's something that you've never had and therefore you have to have corrective emotional experiences primarily through the therapist or the coach, to have these secure attached relationships. And certainly, that's
true. That can absolutely be true. Problem is is that that really makes the therapist or your coach or somebody else your person that you regulate with, meaning, like, you need them to regulate, right, which is not really the goal of having a a a internal sense of agency or an internal locus of control or the idea that I can self regulate, right? But the paradox is is that in order to better self regulate we got
to co regulate. Right? What does co regulation mean? It means mutual reciprocity, mutual reciprocation in a safe way, with people that you feel safe with. Right? That's basically what co regulation is and you can co regulate on Zoom, on you know Instagram or Facebook or on social and all those things are versions of co regulation and they definitely lead to better self regulation when you know that you're not in isolation, when you know that you're not alone, and you're
not in that type of like abandonment type response. However, consider this and this is why I think Doctor. Nicole is like so onto something here okay? Think about this for a second. Have you ever had a cut? Now think about this, think about it. Are you thinking? Have you ever had a cut in your body and your body healed itself? And the answer is, Mastin, of course I probably yeah. Of course I have. Right? Right. But did you have a PhD in in woundology? A PhD in blood
sciences and, you know, endothelial sciences and stuff like that. Are you a medical doctor? Did you have to get a PhD for your body to know how to heal itself? The answer is no. So what is that about? Right? Well, what we know, and we can look at this through all the ancient spiritual traditions or modern traditions like, internal family systems, which is a beautiful therapy process, that we have a part of ourself that is a a a higher self, a wiser self, a ventral
vagal self, a soul self. However you wanna put it. And whether or not you had great parenting, whether or not you had corrective attachment experiences, that part of you knows what you need to heal. You may not know how to access it and it has been helping the best it can based on the trauma responses and trauma experiences you've had in the past. However, what we know is that we have a self, a center, a part of us, call it quantum, call it,
whatever you want okay non physical energy body okay. Okay? This is this is documented phenomenon now, okay? And IFS, Internal Family Systems, has well documented this, okay? As if we thousands of years of spiritual tradition wasn't enough, right? We have now, you know, efficacy of IFS, through, you know, peer reviewed studies. So we know we have a spiritual or soul self. And the thing is when we're in a trauma response, anxiety response, depression, all that type of stuff, we're we're not in
touch with that subtle energy. And so as we can start to calm, as we can start to regulate through coregulation, as we start to get in touch with our different traumatized parts, understand what happened to us, this more subtle energy starts to emerge and you can become in tune with this part of you. We'll call it yourself. And, yeah, you can self heal. You can know things that you need without ever being taught it. Right? So it's kind of a paradox. Yes we absolutely need co regulation as a
biological imperative as mammals, as human beings. Right? But we also wanna start to search for that self part of our our our experience that is wiser, that does know how to love you, that does know how to take care of you. And really the the tension between sort of spirituality and and and trauma and somatics is that when we're in trauma, we're so focused on the body that we forget we have
a soul. And when we're in spirituality, we're so focused on leaving the body that we don't honor and respect the nervous system's body, nervous system's responses in the body. So we wanna get to a place where we have a good yin yang or we respect the somatics, we love our younger parts, we love our traumatized parts, we understand them, we validate them, we love them, and eventually we get to introduce them to ourself or our soul, and that part
can start to take lead. And, yes, we always need co regulation, but the most important co regulation you could ever have get this. You ready? Co regulation with your soul. Hope that helps.