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How's it going? >> So I have a question. So it feels like it's all of me because the emotion of it takes over my entire body. And what this part wants to do is burn it all down. Okay, I'm sort of in a relationship with the container. There's a lot, yeah, I know. Here's what's happening to me if I was pushing them away and whatever and I said, are you like self-sabtaging? I said, "No, I actually have a part of me that's trying to run because of this." And he was like, "You have my attention."
And then he was like, "All in." And then things start coming up or whatever. So now I have this part that when it feels rejected, which it was a week ago, and we kind of had conversation about it, but today what's happening is there's been little things that I noticed that are just dismissive to me. And I'm trying to stay in the tension of this, like, don't burn it all down. But at what point is it okay to be like, "Hey, this just doesn't, this isn't working for me."
Because I've asked for certain things. I've asked for like certain communication, clarity. I don't like living in a fog. And I'm doing my best to just be extremely, just to be vulnerable about like, "Hey, this part of me is, this is what this looks like. This is why, like way more than I ever have." I'm really proud of how I've shown up for this. But there's been two or three days of these little rejector rejection. What I perceive as rejection may not actually be rejection.
So then we have this, what part of this is the neuroceptive, mismatch, or faulty neuroception? And what part of it in my app was actually real? So then I have this part that's like, then I'm like, watching it, all this happened. I'm like, OK, is that actually real or is that just a part of me that thinks this is actually happening and it's not? And then this part is triggered. And I'm like, just burn it all down.
Because now I'm being dismissed, there's like certain things that are being dismissed and ignored, and then I'm like, I'm done. I'm not doing this, I'm not sticking around for this. So at what point do I advocate, part, and say, like, hey, this just isn't working for me, I'm looking for this? - You really are doing your best. And it's scary when you don't know what to do. And the first thing I wanna say to you is, Are you aware of how good it is that you know all of this about yourself now?
And that you're, are you aware of how healthy it is that you're feeling all this now? - And I'm really proud of myself. - And are you aware of how good it is that you're picking up on what he's doing or not doing that you need? - Yes, yes. - And is that something that's a newer thing for you to notice as fast? Yeah. So can you see that? Can you see that part?
Yes. And when I've also noticed this morning, when I was like, we were, we were hanging out the other day, I have not been like physically intimate with this person for the specific reason up. I remember you saying that the whole other level of dysregulation. So I've been holding it to myself and noticing already all this other dysregulation.
And so I said to myself and my part this morning, I'm so glad that we have stayed in our body and stayed with ourselves because because I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm speaking up for these things and I'm not, there's these little needs that aren't being met. And in the past, what I would have done is let's just go sleep with this person to try to get them to be closer to me and a total override. And I'm not doing that. I'm trying to use my words and I'm trying to stay eventual now. I'm just like.
So, so do you, do you see how, even though what you're experiencing is intense, do you see how healthy it is? Yeah. Okay. That's super important. So what you're working on, okay, relationships in general, okay, is about learning how to be vulnerable and not in control in a way that's safe. I don't feel in control because I know I can see that. I'm like, I don't know what's happening on the other side of this. I'm, I'm going to go on for me. You're going to know where you stand with me.
Like they want to feel state. I can, I know how to make you feel state. Like this is what you're going to get. Like, right? Are you sure? There's a bunch of stuff that's coming up that I don't think you announced. Well, I have it. Yeah. Exactly. So I'm saying, so you say this is what you're going to get kind of. And then there's some other shit in there that you didn't know even about yet. Because nobody enters a relationship ready for it.
There's no amount of work that's ready to be compressed before it. It's really, are you ready to learn about how to be safely vulnerable and how to give up control and how to hold on to yourself? Yeah. Right. If you know that you can hold on to yourself, then what they do with it is less important. In fact, I would say that like healthy relationships are about holding on to yourself and seeing what other people do with it. That's like what it is.
You're like, okay, so, and also I'm going to say some very clinical language right now. Okay. To me, intimacy is about sharing affective, somatic, and cognitive data about what's happening in your nervous system without making an appraisal of what to do about it. and having the other person be able to take in the affective, cognitive and somatic data without making an appraisal and helping you feel like your affect, somatics and thinking are understood by them.
And the key part is without appraisal. We get these clusters of thoughts and feelings and emotions in our body and sensations in our body. They feel like one thing. And what happens is it comes out and then there's an immediate appraisal and that is not safe. What does appraisal mean? - Appraisal is what do I do about this? This means we should do X. So okay, so I'm feeling triggered, that means I should leave. Whoa, way too fast. Slow your roll.
Right, there's a thought, there's a feeling there's a physical sensation and there's an appraisal. And we want to understand all four of those things. So that might look like, you know, I have a lot of this emotion coming up, whatever it might be.
Well, the first thing is, you want to set up a time to have a conversation where it's not like just some random time and make sure everyone's in a regulated state, but you have like, here's my feelings, here's what's happening in my body, here's my thinking, and here's what I'm thinking about, this is what I would normally do about it, me appraisal. But you're not doing anything actually, you just lay them know, here's my inter-aseptive report.
- Oh, that's what I did in the very beginning, when I was like-- - That's what you do from now on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you give them the report and then you see what they do with it. Are they relational? Do they validate you? Do they have self-awareness? Can they tune into you? Do they take space for themselves? Can they hold onto themselves when you do that? Like that is what a relationship is. - Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I did that in the beginning with one thing.
So now what you're saying is put that on repeat again for this situation. And it's vulnerable like I did the first time with this. And this is, here's what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. And this is what I usually do instead of running. I just end everything. - Yeah. Here I am again. - And what? - Here I am again. - That's like making you turn back in instead of-- - No. - Okay. - And then you're like, see what he does with it. What does he do with it? Does he ignore it? Does he validate it?
Does he understand it? Can he drop in with you? Is he avoiding? Is he like, not right now? I can do it later. Does he give his commitments? Right? And is he able to do the same thing? I think you would want to be in a situation where both of you were able to do that. - Yeah. So that was, that did happen in the start. It started off that way. and we had two little things come up and then the repair was, I was like, "Holy shit, I never had this before." It was totally like beautiful.
And then I shared something sort of personal about like, you know, like basically like, I'm not ready to, for the reason why I wasn't ready to get to that level of intimacy yet, physically. And opened up a conversation about like, you know, things in that department. And then he changed parts of it or whatever, and then he came back and looked like this as well. Talked about it, but it's been a little different.
And so I tried to enter in with this sort of conversation like a few days ago, and it's just been different ever since. So we started off that way. So a good way to preface this is like, you wanna freeze things to people, a partner in this way, in this context, right? If you had to say, "I'm having a problem with dot dot dot," how would you fill in that sentence? Where it's about what's happening inside you, not what they're doing. So not, I'm having a problem with you changing.
I'm having a problem with, like how would I even think? That's where I'm asking you. Making about your internal mechanisms. I'm having a problem with lack of communication. know, a way that we could make it about you, right? Lack of communication seems like he's not communicating with you. Right? No, so I can say I'm having a hard time or I'm having a problem with understanding our current level of communication and why it changed. Okay. Yeah. I'm having a problem with
understanding how what I've done is impacting you. I'm having a problem with how I feel like I'm communicating with you and impacting you and understanding all that, right? So that's a really great way of thinking about it where it's because then it's like not so bomber. Bombers just like, bitch, what'd you do? Peace out, bitch. Abilicia, I'm out, right? Versus like, I'm having a problem with how our communication is going, I feel like it changed. It's a very
different way to approach somebody. And like you can share your internal experience and what you're struggling with and it can create appropriate discomfort in somebody else. Right? And what you're really saying that person is, I would like you to address what I'm saying. Right. And you're looking for a connected response, right? And that would be to respond to what you're saying, right? A disconnected response is to leave or to say something like, well, I don't have any problems.
Right. You want to be open and honest and descriptive about what is creating internal discomfort for you without ultimatums and without unilateral decisions and appraisals. Right. And in a way that names things that are real and that are problematic for you. Okay. And ideally you shut up and you see what they do with it. Well, basically just giving information and waiting again. And then once they respond, then you can start to think about appraisals. But then you may not be making them yet.
You might be like, okay, so I shared last week about X, Y, or Z. And I noticed that this has happened and there could be a few steps of that. Right. Because ultimately, otherwise, like when, when will you know it's time? Ideally, you'll know whether or not someone has capacity to do this with you. They become clearer as you're able to be more vulnerable and hold on to yourself. That makes sense. Perfect.
Then. And like, but then when you, but that's what I think what's confusing is I'm noticing that there might not be that much there, which is fine. But like, how do you get? I guess so we could have seen you have a few more rounds before you can make that assessment, but it sounds like you're approaching that decision. But I don't know if you have enough information to make that decision yet. So then how do I stay in the? I, my body is like going to blow up like a TNT. So the like, yeah.
These are the things that you bring to someone. Right, so there's a vulnerability in all this for you. There's a lack of control. Right, and you're generating on your side healthy, good relationship communication. And healthy communication pushes a partner to grow and to show you if they're able to step up to what you're sharing. Right, but if you don't give them a chance, They're never going to give you, you never going to know what they're capable of. Does that make sense?
And I think like when you talk about like when you end it, I think you end it by knowing if he chooses to not engage with this type of interaction with being direct, right? Giving his own doing his own work, working on his side of things, right? Then you're like, okay, that's clear to me that he's not doing this thing. Does that make sense? But this for you is about learning how to be more genuine, authentic and open. and not in control and more vulnerable.
What you are in control of is your side. Does that make sense? And then it's not so much about what they do. It's actually curiosity about what they do because you're put together, you have more internal organization, right? And then you're like, all right, over to you. And if they're dismissive or if they can't do it or whatever, and now you're like, Okay, this person's at capacity, right?
But if you're showing up dysregulated and you're leaving because the relationship's dysregulated, you're gonna go probably repeat that somewhere else. Versus let me just hang this tension until I'm really clear that they don't have the capacity for this. And you might be there, but I don't think you're quite there yet. - And then at that point, just is a conversation of like that not having capacity or just... - Yeah, I mean, sometimes people like, It's just not an aligned relationship.
Sometimes, especially men, need to lose someone, actually lose someone to change. And that's not something that you would begrudge them later if they actually change. Right, there's something about the male brain and its capacity for pain. It takes like two to three months sometimes for a guy to be like, "Hello, my life is not as good "when she's not around." Right, like it just takes us longer to figure this shit out.
Women by the time they want to break up, they've already gone through this shit so many times and dudes are like, what are you talking about? I thought everything was okay, you know? That's just kind of how heterosocial dynamics are, right? And it takes guys, like the average guy, usually the general thumb is if you break up with someone and they don't come back in about three months or probably not coming back anytime soon.
And so like, but there can be enough pain losing, someone has to have the opportunity to lose you sometimes. but you don't want it to be retaliatory. You want it to be like, because you want to be able to cut it off because it's not working for you. And then say, these are the things that need, I need to be able to have these types of conversations. I need to be with someone who's working on himself. I need to be with someone who can listen to me and who can share what's happening for him.
And this has to be perfect, but it's important that we have these types of conversations, 'cause these are the things that made me feel safe. Right? And observing if you and the other person are able to be relational or if you're siloed. right? And I think silo is what you're used to. And this is I'm sort of urging you and pushing you to be more relational, which is harder and more valuable.
It's harder, but it feels so much more connected to myself to be able to do that. And just having done it one time, like I was like, Oh shit, like that. In a good relationship, you're going to probably have a weekly meeting where this happens at minimum. Yeah, I mean, I'm used to that with my friends. Like, shit comes up and we're like, let's talk. Like, my friends that get this, like, you know. Yeah, so a good way to think of it is like treat him and expect him to treat you like
that, but with romance. That's kind of the model that we're going for. Does that make sense? So great job. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)