LBP #79: Europe Comma Europe

Welcome back. Love Boat Project, episode number 79. Boy, we're getting up there. Season four, episode two and three, or two, depending on who you talk to. With me as always, is my co-host Mike Robertson. Ahoy, Mike, how are you this week?

Hey, Mike. I don't know if you've ever spent any time in a curacao prison.

No. No, no, I was gonna ask you the same thing.

But I would say that any time spent in a curacao prison would have been more enjoyable than watching this thing twice for me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a r that's a long experience to do this thing twice.

Oh boy, oh boy. We we always have different processes and and you know how we watch these and the two parts. I have never had more of a delay in between watching one and two, like parts one and two, for various reasons both times. So I and I don't think it impacted my thoughts, but it also magnified the thoughts that I had.

So I kind of like that though. I kind of like that. I wonder how that we'll see. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Again, I'm going in this with an open mind. You know, did I enjoy basically did I enjoy this episode? Sure. But again, I try to go into these, especially with the two parters if I'm doing the notes. King of the Hill is blank is a blank slate till we get to the end.

So I would say I I had thoughts when I watched it the first time, had a had a pretty long gap in between watching it between the first time and the second time, and uh had the same thoughts, but angrier. So I feel like your open your open mind will be coming on the opposite side of my very closed and decided mind.

Well, fantastic. It's a yin and a yang. It's it's gift of the magi already. Episode two or 79. We're here to talk about, uh, as I said before, season four. It's a two-parter. And let me just say this, Mike. This felt like a season premiere. This had everything the season three premiere had.

I think I think we kind of talked about it last week. I wouldn't be shocked if this was the intended season premiere, and then with the strike and delays, they figured let's save it because the first week everybody's gonna be happy just to have regular television back or something like that.

That's true. Title, again, multiple storylines, the family plan, the promoter, may the best man win, Forever Engaged, and the Judges. Original air date, November 1st, 1980, and this was on from eight to ten o'clock. Why why do they have to call it a two-parter? If it goes from eight to ten, isn't it just a TV movie at this point? I don't know why isn't just a or just a two-hour episode.

The only there has always been, and I assume even maybe back then, you can get away with a bit of chicanery by having it as two different episodes because then you basically have like two time slots, it probably builds up your syndication count, like all that kind of stuff. I'm sure there's two you could stagger. I mean, that is definitely when you see those things busted up, right?

No, you just had end like end of part one, like a very uh uh film strippy graphic was at the end of there.

Which I'll say, at least for this one, the end of part one. I mean, I don't think it was as dramatic as they think it was, but at least it made sense. It felt like a couple of those two parts last year, the cuts were very weird, weirdly dropped in.

So based on time instead of like actual like like adherence to the storyline. Right.

They just had to rush. It's like, oh crap, it's 58. Quickly, quickly.

What else is on, Mike? And happy to share this on CBS. I know you're a fan. CBS at 8 p.m., WKRP in Cincinnati. Oh, wow. Yeah. Episode called The Airplane, season three, episode one, trying to compete with WPIG's traffic helicopter.

Oh, stupid pig.

Les starts doing traffic reports from a World War I biplane piloted by a crazy war veteran. This is Randy Quaid. Is he is he the is he the uh pilot?

This is great because I don't think I realize that it moved this Saturday night. I mean, the fact that it's the first episode of the season makes me think it's a Saturday night show now. I hope so. Yeah, which gives us an excuse to maybe try and watch one, although you really can't watch a WKRP because they get killed by the music rights. But I didn't even think about it. I I have said this to you.

That's funny. I look forward to it. I'm sure with we can find some WKRP in Cincinnati. We we we have ways.

I mean, we already have two of the seven main cast members have been on.

So CBS at 8 30. We have a new episode of the Tim Conway show. No, no info given, which I thought was weird.

I had that last week too. Yeah, I don't know, I don't know what that means.

They just have a pool of them that they recorded, and they're like, I just hear, whoever. No guests. CBS at 9 p.m. TV movie. Uh oh. The return of Frank Cannon. Do you remember Cannon? The TV show.

William Conrad, right? Yeah, Cannon, a quick martin production. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Private detective Frank Cannon comes out of retirement to investigate the questionable suicide of an ex-girlfriend's husband. William Conrad as Cannon.

So fun William Conrad fact, because William Conrad has always been William Conrad, and obviously he became Jake and the Fat Man and whatever. Not at all. I would get in on a Canon project, no problems. I love that's a great show. I am a fan of old radio shows, and there's a channel on Sirius XM that I listen to quite often, and there is a show called The Saint, starring former Love Boat alum Vincent Price as The Saint.

So he was always so he looked so much the part that even when no one could see them, they're like, you can only play Frank Cannon, essentially.

But to your point, not only not a normal leading man, but great and great in multiple shows. Like nice that he could beat the stereotype back then.

So I think that was also a CBS show, Jake and the Fat Man, if I'm not sure.

I believe you're right, with one of the guys from Riptide.

I think so. And I remember he had a dog too that kind of looked like William Conrad, and that was kind of part of the should we just do William Conrad stuff after we're done? I mean, I feel like that's the direction we're going. Screw you, Love Boat. We're making a turn right here. Stop the Conrad project. NBC at 8 p.m. Movie, no TV movie. Beware. This sounds like a ripoff, but we'll see. Movie called The Car from 1977.

So when was Christine written? Because I know the movie didn't come out till the 80s. Yeah. But that is that because it's not a Stephen King adaptation, right? Like it wasn't like what did we do a couple years ago or last year was the first actual Stephen King, right? It was Oh remember the one with the witches? Yeah, we just did a lot. Yes, yes, hell of a lot. Yeah, so but that is obviously Christine. Right?

Like the only thing that they're not saying is like it's a 57 Chevy, because I remember like Christine, but I mean it could be any well, it's Utah, so it's probably some sort of bus.

Right.

Well, we didn't say it was Maine, it's not Stephen King because it's not Maine. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

It's a Brigham Young school van.

Nobody's drinking. This car only drinks fancy sodas. No, no, no. Nothing but fresca and anything in the Sprite family. Starring James Brolin. Whoa. As the local sheriff as the car. As the car. Ronnie Cox scores, Kathleen Lloyd, please, the car, and John Marley. Okay. That's interesting. Right? I th I don't just I mean, how many cars come to Okay. Two at least. Two can be. Christine Kit Well Kit, that's three.

I mean, the movie cars. They're all alive at that point. Yeah.

So I just wish I always wish Blue Thunder talked. Like that's cool that Kit talked, but can we have this attack helicopter with it, you know, with a good day? You know, this is a royal day for a fan of the city. Oh, he's Australian. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's from down under.

You got fan. Yeah, do you have Blue Thunder fanfic?

So episode synopsis, and this is a problematic synopsis here, Mike.

Let me just a problematic episode, so I can't imagine what's Brian bails on fiance Emily.

Okay. An engaged couple's parents right. I mean, an engaged couple's parents try to stop the marriage.

Yep.

Okay. Contest promoter Larry takes a bribe, and wife Sheila files for divorce.

I mean. He didn't take the bribe, though. No, is it a is is it a bribe of omission?

Like so.

Yeah, I don't know what.

I have a lot to say about Ed White and his darting eyes.

I have a lot to say about Vicky and Sheila. Holy crap.

I mean, we'll get to all of this. Oh. I like that they just decided in part two to add two storylines, basically.

So you got this whole thing got more complicated quickly.

A lot.

Gopher resents judging a contest.

What? For like three. Okay. This is IMDB. This synopsis, they watch the first three seconds of each storyline.

Apparently. Yeah. The first three of the whole episode. There's just Tom and Mary want to wed, but there's a problem. They don't want to wed.

That's the problem.

Well, but that that doesn't. That doesn't even that that's disrespectful. We'll get there. We'll get there. He was great. Whatever the opposite of the fella ward is, is is what I feel like he brought.

I think I think the two of them were great. I just needed so much more of them and so much less of most other things.

Amen. On that one. Guest stars this week, Kathy Brown. She played Marianne Walker. It's her first and last appearance in the Love Boat. Fun fact, this was her last television appearance.

So why, why? So because we've had a few of these, right?

And not just like not like fatalities either. She's not in her 90s or something. It wasn't like she died after she filmed this. Like, what's going on?

I think the answer is that these are just people who are pretty much retired and you can come and do a quick get a little payday, maybe get a vacation, get to go see Panama. You know.

Well, I mean, this one. I mean, geez.

The other thing is, too, that these performances are so bad that they get kicked out of acting.

So they really do get kicked out of acting. It was like never, never again, ma'am. Peter Graves is Carl Lawrence. This is his second appearance in Love Boat. We saw him last. Season two, episode 10, Man of the Cloth was the storyline. You can check our archives, Love Boat Project number 34, the Thanksgiving Miracle.

Wait a minute.

James Prue. Yes, sir.

Man of the Cloth? Is that what you saw? That's not the title that we had.

That's funny. No, no, no. That that's the title of the storyline. That's not. It's not.

No, it's the stripper's the preacher and the stripper, or something like that. Was it? Yeah, like stripper was in. No, it's not your fault. I'm sure you saw Man of the Cloth, but that's fine that there's two titles, which does make sense. We talked about it on that episode that that might be a little racy. That might be a little racy, yeah. So Reagan's America, we're almost there.

Wow. So again, we we talked about Peter Graves and just want to say we will see him again as we will everybody else in season nine. Who killed Maxwell Thorne?

He's the he's the man who he might be the last thing we see.

Maxwell Thorne, for all I know.

Oh, I thought I think he is Maxwell Thorne because the picture on IMDB is of Peter Graves. I also think Maxwell Thorne, this is my guess. Yeah. Seven, well we six seasons out. Yeah. My guess is he's not dead, and this is some sort of like elaborate game of clue, or it's an elaborate game of clue or something like that, you know. So I love that. I think it'd be weird if the Love Boats last episode had a murder.

Well, I mean, Dallas did it. Yeah, right. Like not the last episode. What a what a horrible what is this, the Sopranos? What are we doing? What are we doing?

If you're gonna kill, if you're gonna have a murder in your last one, kill stupid, obviously.

Well, duh. But that's where the complex carbs are gonna get him before anything else is gonna get him. Angillion, interesting to see her first and last appearance in Love Boat, she did a lot of the Bob Hope tours and spells.

Complete waste of Angillion. Complete waste. Um Angillion is great. She was of course it's a living, which will now give me an excuse to sing this the song, but also great, she was fantastic in Mr. Mom. Yeah, as like the person who tried to seduce Michael Keaton. Like Angillian was great, completely wasted in this stupid role.

She is a member of the Lithuanian American Hall of Fame. Where that is, Mike.

Toronto.

Toronto, the Hall of Fame, it's it's the shape of a maple leaf, a Lithuanian maple leaf. Brian Kerwin, Ted Lawrence, first appearance in the boat. We'll see him again in season five. Interesting. Played deputy Birdwell Bertie Hawkins on one episode of BJ and the Bear, and then went on to play the same role in the BJ and Pear BJ and the Bear spin-off. How did they have a spinoff? The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo for 38 episodes.

So he was in that backdoor pilot then. Yeah. Because remember, Lobo did wasn't even on BJ and the Bear that much.

So also Brian Kerwin appeared in four episodes of the Chisholms as Gideon Chisholm.

Oh, Gideon. I remember Gideon. Gideon the Bear. We talked about him a lot. A lot. We're gonna have to watch. We are gonna have to watch the Chisolms.

We're gonna have to watch every one of them, too. It's gonna be a good one.

You know what we should do when you're here? When you're here, we should watch them. We should just watch one.

Just make it just let's just watch it and we'll do an episode. Yeah. Imagine if it's amazing. We just get like this is like dances with wolves. It's amazing.

Send the wives out.

We have to watch the chiselms. Sorry. We're gonna need 16 more hours to complete our chisel's journey. This is for us. Ted Knight. First of three appearances in the Love Boat. We'll see. Check this out. We'll see him again in a season five two-parter. And then again in the season six in another two-parter. Well, maybe the king of the two-partters.

Gigi, do you think they'll let him actually have a scene with Gavin McLeod? God, I hope so. What is that about?

I don't know. Maybe is it that uh Robert De Niro and Al Pacino will be on the same screen together?

What like that was weird. And you know what's funny? They didn't put him when what's her name was on the blonde that ended up being on coach to Georgia Engel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have them in the same scene really either. It's like I it did fan service not exist in 1980?

Like well, especially there were there were there were there was one big moment in the episode where one storyline intersected another. Like we always talk about. And it involved.

It felt like everybody was just crammed in on the deck. I can't believe they didn't just accidentally share a scene.

It was well chaos. I mean, the Pacific Princess is no Pacific Princess, sir.

This episode at Points was chaos. Absolutely. It was too many chaos.

It was too many people and not enough rooms. How many lifeboats do you guys have? Because this deck is crazy. There's 200 guys playing metal drums. Like, what is going on? People are just everywhere. It was like way too happy. Yeah, like they just won game seven. Like you guys shouldn't be this happy right now. Ted Knights, known most for his role in Ted Baxter, the Mary Tyler Moore show, six Emmy Award nominations, two Emmy wins for that. Henry Rush and Too Close for Comfort.

Which must have just come out or is coming out? Like that was a 1980 movie, I believe. I think so, too. Yeah.

God movie.

She's back, Mike. Rue McClanahan. Second appearance in the Love Boat. We saw her last in the last hundred bucks. Remember that episode? We love that book.

Of course. No, we like that storyline.

Well, we like this. I'm sorry. We like the storyline.

Sorry, do you remember the title of that episode? Yeah.

Stupid Pepito. That's what that is. A Love Boat Project episode 37, the Pepito Drinking Game. The last hundred bucks storyline was really good, though.

They give her some co-stars. My goodness. And she keeps up too. And she keeps up, which of course she does. She's good.

But yeah, yeah. We'll see her again season five, seven, and eight. Good. Maybe not for nine. Darren McGavin as Lawrence Evans, first and only appearance in the Love Boat. The dad from Christmas story. Yep. This guy's been in every TV show looking at his credits. From Gunsmoke to Grace Under Fire. He played Grace's dad. He was also Murphy Brown's dad. He won an Emmy for that role. Four episodes for that in 1990. Like he was everyone's dad.

Yep.

Aaron Moran with a slightly longer version of the Burt Convey haircut, which I I can't I can't unsee. First episode, I heard she was just out of her mind, nutso later in life here, too. Like just hold herself up. But anyway, we'll see her three more times. Season seven, two-parter, and season eight and nine. Appeared in 54 episodes of Happy Days as Joni Cunningham. 17 episodes of Joni Loves Chachi, the spinoff. I remember that.

So we're now we're assuming we're not gonna we're not gonna get Richie Cunningham or Fonsee. So I think Tom Bosley is the only person we have left at this point. I wonder if you get him, though. Oh, I think so. I would be shocked. He just feels like he's is he a bigger star than Marion Ross? I think it's equal. I think it's equal. Equal. Yeah. I mean, we won't get Richie. And I think that's it. Everybody else we've had. Like literally, everybody else we've had. Yeah, yeah.

We so Donmost as Marv Prime. Real quick, Mike. The difference between Donmost and Donnie Most, Donmost has a mustache. Just to clear it up.

There you go.

Last time we saw Marv, Julie was getting Alaska'd. I will see him one more time in season six, but he will not be back as Marv Prime.

No more prime. No more prime. More prime. I went back and consulted the end of that last episode, our our take on it, just to make sure everything aligns. What do we think of him? We'll get to it as we get to it. So I think we had a positive, but I I it's not it's my issue isn't is not with with them, it's more with as usual, Julie's uh correspondence in between everybody's correspondence in between meetings.

I got a little something for that too. Yeah, no, I'm with you all. We're on the same page on that one. Debbie Reynolds of Sheila Evans' first appearance in the Love Boat. We'll see her again in season six. She was Carrie Fisher's mother. Fun fact, in 1955, she was the Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year. Mike. Oh who was the 2022 Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year. 2022 Hasty Pudding. One guess. Could be anyway. Lauren Juice. No. 2022 Hasty Putting Woman of the Year.

Yes. Oh, you know what's funny?

Huh?

I actually kind of remember that now that you say that, but that's not important. That's not important. Yeah. Interesting.

I just thought I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Moving on. I mean, it's not as it's not as it's not as stubby. Well, it's it's not the the schlitz uh, you know, playoffs of stars, playoffs of stars or whatever. Yeah. Charlene Tilton, big big TV star, first appearance. We'll see her two more times. Once in season eight, and what's that? And in season nine, Who Killed Maxwell Thorne?

Just to correct you, it's season ten. Season ten, I'm sorry. Season ten. We have we have nine full seasons. Oh, and then those four episodes which end in Peter Gray's being bludgeoned to death.

It's gonna be it's and it's brutal. It's just brutal. It's an hour of him just being attacked, just getting pistol whipped.

That's what it is. It's airplane, basically. Everybody just comes in with a weapon.

His white hair is crimson. It's just terrible. Oh, this is terrible. Oh my ma'am. You're hurting me, ma'am. You're hurting me, ma'am. Charlene Tilton, best known for her role as Lucy Ewing on Dallas for 246 episodes.

Apparently, she was very close with Larry Hagman in terms of like maybe like a mentor thing or whatever, because she's pretty young. She's like a tiny person, too. It was wild. Yeah. And she wasn't exactly uh throwing fastballs in this one, but you know, she's young.

She's not going to win hasty pudding, woman of the year, with the performance at this level.

Maybe hasty, maybe hasting decision hasty decision maker of the year.

Maybe she'll get some pudding this year, but it won't free you from hasty. Hello. Hey, ooh. Dawn Wells is Valerie Madden. Barely a part for her. First and last appearance in the Love Boat.

Oh, see, you know, that's a waste. I hate, I hate when it's a one and done and they just I'm not saying Dawn Wells is the greatest actress of all time, but like just a complete race. Like, what do you especially after what Tina Louise did? Like, you know I don't think she was in the right role. Like, put that. None of those roles in that thing were good. That that that we'll we will get to it. That thing might be having the engraver out for me already.

That was known best as Marianne from Gilligan's Island. Interesting fun fact. She did the voices for Marianne and Ginger on a little show we talked about called Gilligan's Planet. Do you remember this show, Mike?

I remember us talking about it. I don't remember it.

Quote, it's true, Mike. The castaways are now lost in space. They're all here in this strange new world. Gilligan, the skipper, the millionaire, his wife, the movie star, the professor, and Marianne, now joined by Gilligan's alien sidekick, member Bumper.

Oh, obviously.

They begin a whole new life on a whole new world while still while still trying to repair the now spaceworthy SS Minnow and return home from their infinite three-hour tour.

I can't decide if that's awesome. A credit or uh or really painful for Don Wells to have to play ginger. I don't know what they think about that.

Yeah, I thought that was like, ooh.

Well, you know, it's like she probably I don't know if they got along, maybe they got along famously, but also it's very possible that her ginger voice was just overheard about her being catty about it something yet.

Her inability to pronounce simple words. Anything else to go over before we jump on this very important and long cruise?

So we have not discussed the some of the heroes from season one too much here recently because they haven't been as good. But Bear and Jolson wrote two of the storylines. What 10 storylines in this episode? And I don't know if you saw which ones they are, but I think the problems that those storylines have, or the problems we've had with them recently, they did the promoter and the Marv Prime one.

Like, so I I I I watched it first, and then I was like, all right, let me do notes, because there was a lot of that, and that is an issue when it's like a quick thing, but it is what it is. We took on this project, so yeah. You know, a wise man once said, Mike, you take the good.

Well, yeah, but that would only be half hour.

Uh that's true, that's true. And I still got I still got 90 minutes left. Damn it. All right, let's get on the boat here. Let's deal with this. Let's get on the boat, but Mike, we're not in Los Angeles, we're in St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands, because it says so on the screen. Thank you.

I love D'Is like much like much like Vancouver, Canada.

I'm telling you, you got a very yeah. This cruise, Mike, is packed, as we said before, just wall-to-wall people outdoors on the boat. Like, I don't know how any of this is organized. It is just it looks like the last ship out of some sinking country. Like, I don't know what is happening. It is way too crowded.

Do you think this is like Convy from the Charlie's Angels thing? He's like, he's just run amuck in St. Thomas and Sarah Bay's is fleeing.

So it's just people everywhere. Yeah. Um, 20 guys playing steel drums and then a banner. Well, no wonder it's crowded, Mike. It's the Maridathon crews.

Oh, obviously.

Which goes back, either this island princess is bigger than the Pacific princess, or we're just we've abandoned personal space on the boat. I don't know what, and I don't know how our five people can handle like two crew members just look lost in these seas of people. I don't know where you need ten more Isaacs.

I don't know what it well, I think the other thing is too like uh the the the princess that they normally use, yeah, probably is either the reason they picked it is because it's a little easier to shoot on, or they have it set up in a certain way because it did also feel like, in addition to feeling very crowded, I think all the cameras were just much closer, like literally not zoomed in, but like set up closer, which makes sense.

Remember those long and they're like they're getting sound from like you know, 40 feet away.

But but you're right, it was just like there would be scenes with like it's what felt like wall-to-wall people in a spot where some the I always think of like the um the last two party we had with uh Benson and Shaft and everybody, and they're having these things, even the Alaska one, there's like four people on the deck, you know, and it's like that's not enough. So this is this is the other side of not enough. We have a three bears.

Some money because they missed out because of the strike. They're like, look, we need thousands of extras, really.

Just to felt like a soccer there was no soccer tragedy waiting to happen. There were just too many people.

It was no good. It looked like it was in a Thon. Like, how many people can you fit on a deck? Well, there you go.

Maybe that's where Thon, maybe Thon stole it.

Because of marriage a thon. That's the thing. So when I see a banner, it makes me think, okay, this whole cruise is for this. Where the hell are all these people coming from? It's it's it's complete.

Yeah, because it's what 50. Crazy. So it's 50 couples.

Well, you saw at the end there when they come on the the thing, yeah, it's 50 couples, but this is way more than a hundred.

Well, that's what I'm saying. So it's a hundred people. Now, here's the thing. We don't know, we can't use all our normal stats because we don't know We don't know. We don't know how big the island princess is, so we can't say there's 500 non-thon people on here. We have no idea. It may be a hundred person boat, like so.

It's just a it's just a weird angle, maybe. I uh yeah. Isaac is standing next to a very Alaska style map, to your point. Also, it I felt like he had like one or two many buttons open on his shirt, like just a weird amount of chest hair is being shown by Isaac.

Well, it was also weird, because like Doc when I saw Isaac.

It was so unnatural, you know.

Well, when I saw Isaac dressed casually, but Doc dressed in his uniform with a hat, which we'll get to that. The my first thought was okay, Isaac's just gonna dress like this the whole time. But no, he had his he had his regular Isaac outfit on, which this makes no sense. So Isaac just got on the ship, didn't get dressed, but was also basically serving as the totem pole.

Yeah, I don't know why.

So it doesn't make any sense.

Well, and then later, too, he sports that light blue jacket. Like, at least throw that sucker on. Like you just you just wake up, sir.

Geez, it's cash, it's cash, super cash. I guess he figured we only have five crew members, one of them is presumed dead. We he they can't get rid of me, too.

So well, maybe he figures this is season four. He's like, look, you're not gonna give me anything to do anyway. So I'm just gonna dress how I want. I'm gonna be as Isaac as Isaac can be.

Yeah, he's just like, I'm taking this free trip. I'm not packing any of my Isaac crap. What are you gonna do? Not have me on here, so right.

If you want drinks, you'll have Isaac on he tells Doc, and he's really just telling us, the viewer, the stops on the cruise.

Let's review my gratuitous, gratuitous.

Gratuitous. Just gopher did the same thing in season three in the opener. It was the same. Wait, we're gonna start in Caracas, Venezuela. Then we're gonna go to Curacao, through the Panama Canal to Panama City. By the way, Mike, going through that Panama Canal time-wise takes eight to ten hours just to go through that.

Yeah, but it saves seven hours from last time.

Well, I don't know if you heard. We don't even talk about that last yeah. Oh no, the Pacific Princess has wheels. Okay, cool. Then to Acapulco, Cabo San Lucas, and then to Los Angeles. I did a little research on cruises like this. How many nights would you say that this cruise in the real world takes? Because I have an answer.

I remember last time when we did the Charlie's Angels one and I and I Google mapped it, it's undetermined of thousands of hours. So I guess that was before the canal. So I'm gonna say I'm gonna say six nights.

Between 15 to 18 nights is how long this would take. So I hope you brought 15 to 18 different tuxedos or whatever you need to bring. But let's keep it real.

Yeah, that's that's uh and that's now. So oh my god, that's true.

That's a long cruise. And they said, yeah, they they do have cruises like that. They're it's a long cruise. It's one, two, three. Well, it's one, two, three, four, five. It's six stops in different ocean bodies of water.

How many nights do you think they think this was? Because I don't think they got more than three or four nights out of this. Like I mean, I don't I mean, I guess every stop could have been a night theoretically.

So that thing where they were like, well, those timestamps were like, we're gonna announce the winner the night before the wedding thing.

So I mean, there were so many we had five different people doing announcements.

Yes. With with just asinine, just uh complete asinine thing, just the worst information, the worst tour guide I've ever heard. I mean, to your right, is water. Thanks, Julie.

Was part of the deal to get the Panama Canal back that we got them a low boat episode because Panama, like you know, Bureau of Tourism paid for this or something.

Oh my god.

This was like when I'm in Panama, I like to wear my Levi's jeans.

Like it's just this was so like that Hallmark movie where the big can of Folgers crystals is on the back.

That's good, that's good pass.

That is good pass. We see Mrs. Walker talking, talking to go for a gentleman walks up to Mrs. Walker. He's the father. I'm sorry.

Hello, hello.

She's he's the groom, the father of the groom. His name is Carl Lawrence, Ted's father, and she's the mother of the bride. Ted doesn't know his father's here. He lives in Europe. Yeah, he lives in Europe.

We couldn't get a more specific location. I live in Europe.

He really is in Mission Impossible. Yeah, no, I'm in Europe. He's living that gimmick. Mrs. Walker tells Carl that she is a surprise too, and that she came to talk them out of getting married. I should call her Ms. Walker. She says that they're in college and much too young to get married. Carl says he's here for the same reason. Says that it'll be a pleasure working with you. They shake hands.

Seeds planted.

Julian Gover are sitting at a table. This is one of those weird two-second camera shots that made no sense to me. They're sitting at a table and they're giving out like blue paper hearts with numbers on them.

Yeah.

And apparently the numbered engaged couples aren't allowed to room together. And that was the whole scene.

And I'm like, what I think it was. What are you talking about? Well, and the thing was, that would have been way more relevant if you had some sort of like scene that involved the cabins in any way. Right. Nobody went nobody went below deck.

No, they just gave out. Everybody was either coming onto deck or like leaning again on the uh the island princess railing. They're hiding something from the city.

They weren't even leaning. They were like, no, they didn't lean.

It's the OSHA. They don't want to don't lean. It's not a load-bearing railing, so don't do that. Isaac walks up to a couple and asks them if they remember him. A couple introduces themselves as Tom McMahon. This is Vince's. Damn it. And Mary Hubble.

Of the telescope.

Of the telescope people. Isaac tells him that he bartended their engagement party. Mary Hubble.

Mike, I will give you a thousand dollars. And you had a pretty notorious bartender at your wedding. Could you have picked them out of a lineup? There's no chance. Like, no.

You know what? I could because easily I could remember that guy.

Okay, I couldn't pick out the bartender at my wedding. And I was very sober.

Just fun fact. The guy wouldn't give us drinks at my wedding. And he was like, I don't even have my jacket on. This guy was just a like, come on, dude. I thought one of my friends was gonna go over the bar and like beat the crap out of him. Well, we showed him. Yeah, we showed him. Yeah. We're gonna stand here and not have anything.

And then we got really drunk at the hotel.

Yeah, we don't need your help, sir. We'll wait. Like gentlemen. Isaac asked if they're getting, I'm sorry, Mary Hubble says which one in the last 10 years we've been engaged 10 times. Good lord, Mary Hubble. Isaac asked if they're gonna get married now. I wonder if she got a new ring each time.

I mean, do you have to like do you have to re-propose even if it's with the same ring? I would assume when you don't go through with it, you get the ring back.

See, I assume the opposite. If you say yes once, then you've said yes ten times. Like you don't have to re-ass the question nine more times. She already said yes.

Yeah, but isn't the whole contract null and void when you don't go through with it?

I would just be like, but you said. You didn't ask me, I asked you.

This is that's at least one of the reasons they didn't get married, one of the nine times.

Right, like, no, no, no, but yeah, that's on you. Isaac Ashley, they're gonna get married now. They do. Mary says that if he decides to jump overboard, she's jumping in right after him with the minister. She says, he'll say, I do before he hits the water. Foreshadowing, foreshadowing. Enter Lawrence and Sheila Evans. They introduce themselves to Stubing and Stubing introduces Vicky. Stubing asks if the marriage of thought was his idea.

Was it gold? It was gold, it'd be a lot terrible.

Then a house, a car, number one, what kind of house?

It's uh it's Wendell's Wendell Sneed's house.

He still lives there. Congratulations, Wendell. You have a roommate. Like, what kind of house and car? And how is he okay? All right, all right. Well, Lawrence is pushing for this boat gimmick to become a TV show, and Stubing bestows the ultimate honor by inviting them both to join him at my table for dinner tonight.

So I have a question about the network TV thing. Yeah. There are no cameras on this.

There's no game show element of this stupid contest. It's it's all they asked him to do was change a diaper. That's the only thing they have to do.

But here's the thing, you could have at least had one guy filming it, and then you could have at least tricked me into thinking, okay, either they've sold it already, or they're shooting a pilot essentially to sell to networks or but like if the network had been like, oh yeah, we'll absolutely air this, and then they're like, Do you have any footage? And they're like, No.

I mean, anybody can send a what if pitch. That sounds like a great idea.

Oh, we already did it too. It was great. Yeah, so here's tomorrow network special. I'm gonna sit around and tell you about it.

Like, well, what is it? Well, we get we get 50, you know, fiance and fiancees, whatever you call it, and no what's the contest?

Engaged couples is probably what you would say.

Like, doesn't it every so everyone gets married, right? Right.

Okay, I don't yeah, but the secret is we get a captain to marry them, which apparently is no longer allowed.

Yeah, I guess not. What was that about? Everybody get off the boat. I mean, like, stop it. Everybody's being ridiculous. Can we just end this episode?

Stop it. Just stop it. The whole thing is so dumb. We haven't even gotten to the really bad stuff. No, we haven't gotten half the yeah. The structural integrity of your biggest storyline is faulty. Like, I mean, come on.

This Lawrence and Sheila thing is just and I'll say this he's pretty much at work, right?

Right, and the thing, and the thing is too, yeah, Darren McGavin is awesome. He's working with crap, but I mean he's doing the best you're not getting anybody better than him in this role, and it sucks.

Like, so it's gives them a full hand salute, a very sloppy full hand salute, by the way. Well, it's the first episode.

It's the first episode back. Plus, there's no room. He's probably there was no room.

He's on that ship. He can't even he can't even raise his hand if he's sure. You know, he can't do any of that. Sheila tells Lawrence that the captain is gone. You can drop the act now. Apparently, Sheila knows that Lawrence is full of what they call shit. Uh, things are not good between them, and Sheila wants a divorce. Lawrence tells her how bad it would look if the promoter of the marriageon got divorced.

So it is a classic recent years, Baron Jolson, where they clearly had this idea wouldn't it be crazy if the guy marrying fifty couples got divorced?

Right? Yeah.

Right. But they have literally nothing. Explaining what it was. And then the thing that happens in the episode also doesn't explain. Like there's no reason given. This is a wheelchairs in Wimbledon. Again. Right, right.

There's just no right. Right. There's like a pre-existing condition that they're not defining it all. Which makes it so weird to be like, why are I act like you're but I'm like, what are you taught? Why? Like literally.

And they did these things. They always think this is clever when they do these hint arounds. Because a couple of times you said, well, you know, you make mistakes and you learn to correct them and you make up. It's like, just say, you know what, this marriageon would be a lot better if you're cheap floozy that you hooked up with three years ago or something. Just anything.

They knew you were a drunk. Or I mean, just give me something. Like, just give me some like a like a like a real issue. You lost all our money, and blah blah blah blah. It's the last time I go with all your your bird brain scheme.

Anything. Some anything. It's not that hard. You have two excellent act. This this was I'm spilling a lot of my beans here. This was an episode where I liked so many people in it, and I think they did the best you can with it. I completely agree. And I don't think it made any difference. No, it didn't make any difference. So, you know.

You know what's funny too is I really think that if you cut all the fat off this these two, I think it makes a great individual episode. Right? Get rid of if you if you trim this to one episode, this would have been a fantastic episode. Obviously, you gotta bail on some storylines, like the judges get rid of that.

Probably get rid of the Peter Graves thing.

Yeah, yeah, I don't need that.

It was fine, but it was just like redundant.

Yeah. It was, yeah, I agree. I think they could have done, but you're probably right.

You're probably it was funny because during the episode I was trying to think about that. You're probably right, but it also is the most fat you have to cut out of any of these things we've ever done.

Yeah, it's it's amazing. I just feel like they wasted so much time. And I don't understand it. It's just I'm in talent.

Yeah, I agree. It was almost like we let's just St. Thomas and the Panama Canal will be our stars.

Let the water speak for itself. Anybody want to be a tour guide?

No, no, no, everybody wants to be a tour guide.

If you look on your right, a woman dressed in pink is standing by the railing. Julie walks up to her, asks her if she's one of the brides to be. She tells Julie that she's waiting for her fiance, Brian. It is best man Marv. Boo indeed. Boo. Brian. Good lord.

Good lord.

Good. If he's not on somebody's list in the next two hours, there's a he's a season one character.

He's like, oh my god.

He's just a heel. Julie introduces herself as does Emily Marcus. Julie admires her wrist corsage. What turns out Emily bought it. Why would she what is happening here, Mike? Who who buys their own wrist corsage to go on a like because Brian, I know Brian's not gonna do it. Well, Brian's not gonna do it.

He's busy buying myrtle once.

Emily's so sad buying her own wrist corsage, and she's just not ladies.

If you gotta buy your own wrist corsage, that's a deal breaker.

That's a deal breaker. Let your man get it for you if you're good. If you're meeting at a and when you show up together to a marriage-a-thon, I'm just saying, like, how do you show up separately?

Yeah, I mean, there are like there were definitely red flags that Charlene Tilton should have seen.

She's colorblind. Apparently, Charlene Tilton doesn't see color.

She thought that was a polka dot corset.

Oh, I loved it. That's why she's wearing all pink. She has no idea what she's wearing. It is crazy.

I'm a virgin.

Julie says, she's waiting for a fiance best man. Marv. Julie says, Oh, well, as long as he shows up for the wedding. Camera cuts, zooms back. What's beautiful camera work here?

Oh, yeah.

To a guy who looks like a moustached. Is that Marv Prime with a moustache, Mike? Is that Don Most playing? Don't moustache. Overlooking the cruise ship. Not a good stash either, man.

A weird, but he got a better, unless I'm thinking of Ron Howard. Yeah. When Donnie Most comes back from war, I thought he had a mustache, but maybe not.

So I don't know. You mean Don Most? Sorry, I apologize. I mean, how is anyone gonna keep this straight, Mike? Come on. Don Most mustache, Donnie Most, no mustache. All right. Marv tells Brian, I'm sorry, man walks up with a lady on his arm, calls him Marv. Marv calls him Brian. These are our guys. These are our guys, maybe. Marv tells Brian that they're they have to get to the ship, and Emily's waiting for them. Brian says, I'm not going. I'm not getting married.

So so this is so we're in St. Thomas, right?

Yeah. So I assume these guys all live in Los Angeles. Apparently Brian just lives in St.

Thomas in the Or did he did he bring Myrna down? Was Myrna a wedding guest? I don't know how.

Yeah, I don't use like was she on the boat and left the boat? Did did Brian ever get on the boat? Like what is what's the what's the game plan here?

And you're right, too. Like what is the where where do these guys live? I I'm only saying Los Angeles could be or Alaska, I guess.

Yeah, but why would you get on a plane to Los Angeles and fly to St. Thomas just to take a cruise back to Los Angeles? It just doesn't make any sense. Well, because they gotta win the contest.

What's the marriage aton?

I don't know if you heard. I wonder if Myrna was Brian's emergency contact. Myrna Myrnacy. Emernacy. Oh. Bing bing. We hear the ship's horn and we're on our way. Doc is on deck. He walks up to Stubing. Stubing's a little captain-like here in a second. Stubing says, Mr. Evans, that's Lawrence. Asked him to be a judge for the marriage of Thon, but he had to turn him down because he'll be too busy doing what? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. I have no idea what he's doing.

As soon as I heard them Yeah. As soon as I heard them say that, I was like, oh, here we go. Here we go.

It's gonna be an hour and a half. Here we go on how little he has to do. You know what? That's season one through three, me. That's not season four anymore.

He he basically all he did on this thing was he married those people at the end. He almost lost gopher again.

What kind of captain leaves without his people? In his speech, he was like the center of attention at that dinner. Remember that thing at the end?

That's why he was so busy. That's why he was so busy.

What? Nothing. Stubing. Stubing appoints Doc to take his place. Doc tells Stubing, which yeah, that's great. Have a have a physician because you're too busy. Have the doctor do it. Great. Especially on a ship this crowded.

Why was this not worked out ahead of time?

Yeah, why are we doing why are we talking about this now? Doc tells Stubing that he's just as busy as him, and Stubing says, look at him being a captain, and busier, because you'll be a judge as well.

I mean, Doc Doc was so busy they didn't even have a medical office for him. He was doing doctor visits outside.

It's funny. We didn't see Doc doing anything except you know trying to diagnose someone who can't say a phrase as a medical condition. He had something to do for 15 days. Yeah. Manslaughter. Oh yeah, manslaughter.

There was international international manslaughter.

I forgot about that. I forgot about the manslaughter. That's a good point. Well, Stubing says or find someone else, and that's an order. Well, Doc sees Gopher, congratulates him on being a judge in the marriageon contest. Gopher's shocked. Doc said he told Stubing they'd be happy to do it, but Gopher would be a would do a better job. Doc tell Doc tells Gopher that Stubing thinks Doc is overqualified because he's been married four times. That that made me laugh.

Mike, the Supreme Court deliberates less than these judges did for what we have apparently seen to be two things. The whole contest is two things.

I mean it's illitch to keep track of points, right? I hope you're hope you're keeping a running tally of what's happening.

As you point out, it's an 18-night contest.

It's an 18-night contest. They change one diaper. Like what why would you have that? It's a marriage thing. It's not like we have 50 soon-to-be parents on a cruise that you're gonna win. You know what I mean?

Like shouldn't it have been I mean, maybe they didn't have these back then, right? But marriage a thon to me feels like we have uh one of those old studebaggers with the cans and just married, and you have to keep your hand on the car the whole time, and whoever makes it to the end, like wouldn't that be more of a marriage a thon? Am I the promoter? Maybe I'm the promoter.

So I mean, I bet you can get a studebaker in that gift shop. The island princess gift shop.

Oh, wow. Why did we meet the whoever the Captain Norton of the Island Princess Gift?

Jesus, this guy's got everything. Tom McMahon and Mary Hubble are relaxing in deck chairs together. Tom has his eyes closed. Why? Because it's so bright outside and he's not wearing sunglasses. Nothing but the open ocean in white wood.

And there were there were definitely sunglasses on this boat. So that's just on you Ted night.

So his eyes are closed, he's laughing. Mary asks if he's okay. Tom says he's fine. She reminds him that they are on the cruise together to get married. She asks him why he's smiling. He says it's because they're finally getting married after all these years. Mary thinks he's smiling as he's thinking of an excuse not to get married. Little do you know. Emily still wearing all pink. That's a look right there, Mike. Someone's wearing, bam, I'm pink. Like, that's a lot of pink.

I mean, she at least he can pick her out. I mean, it's hard. Well, maybe that's smart. Yeah.

That's a smart thing. Yeah. She's like a human breadcrumb. You know what I mean? So she can't get lost.

You know what? Brian probably told her to wear pink so he could pick her out just in case he needed a quick exit.

Or he tells he tells his ladies to wear your Myrna. I need you in purple, and I'm gonna call you purple for the day. Purple Myrna. He's just awful. Tells her that Brian and Marv didn't make it. Julie tells her it's a big ship. They should keep looking. Mike, Julie is way happy to see him. She runs up to Marv and Marv lifts and hugs her as though Julie just pitched a perfect game. I saw David Wells get lift-hugged by Dorhe Posada with a very similar technique.

So I I listened to the end because I was just trying to remember how they left it. I I knew so the short version of the whole thing is you know, Marv hits on Julie for a while on the Alaska boat, but she's got eyes on Chanel when Chanot is married, she comes back, is devastated. Donnie Mose tries to be a shoulder to cry on, she tries to sex bomb him. He's like, I think you need a friend. I think you need a friend more than a lover right now.

It was a weird greeting.

I was like that said, that said, the one thing I'm feeling about this season so far is the Julie McCoy rebound tour. I am very happy with. So this is another excellent Julie episode.

I agree. I agree. I was thinking that as well. Marv and Julie walk up to Emily. Emily asks if she's getting married. Are they getting married? Julie explains they're old friends. Are they new friends?

Okay. Well, they're yeah, they met once. So be funny if she just explained it. Like the so I I had my heart ripped out, huh? What's and then I just and then I yeah, and then I tried to um to the to kiss this guy and he pulled away. Yeah. Oh no, I I I I turned the guy's marriage proposal down, didn't talk to him for a while, shut up to his house, he was already married, ran off screaming. Also right or anything. Right. And then basically went to a downward spiral for most of last season.

He was the best man at Doug and Carol's wedding. Doug is still running somewhere. Shout out to Doug and Carol, though. Yeah, I like that. I love the continuity of that.

If you only watch the Love Boat Two Partners, you gotta kick out of that.

Right at home here. Emily asked where Brian is, and I say weird that that wasn't the first thing she said to Marv. You know what I mean?

Like these travel plans are so shoddy that maybe you know they portray this.

Emily's as dumb as a box of rocks, too. She's just like, Jesus, man. They didn't do anything for her in this.

No, they did not.

Marv says that Brian got detained with business and then adds that Brian lost his passport. Why isn't Marv just cut bait here and be like, look, let me tell you about Myrna?

Like he's Yeah, I I there's the hell is going on here. I will say this. It feels like Brian told him this 10 minutes ago.

Yeah.

So so I I will say if he needs a minute to compose himself, that's fine. But here's the thing don't he gave two lies. He just kept lying, so he added on to it. Just you know, I don't know yet. I'll let me check in. Let me let me go check.

So it's always good to like push something off you dread. No, no, no, but you worry about it tomorrow.

Or the thing, it's your fiance. Why don't you know where he is?

Yes. Oh, Brian's dead. That's what I would do. He drowned. I watched him die. Can we get on the boat now?

I'm the best man for a marriageon. There are no other wedding parties here at all.

But he also had like ulterior, obviously, this whole time. So it's like, yeah, I don't know. There is a lot of things.

I think he was taking two, I think he had two shit, two bullets in the chamber this week.

He was like, Well, you had a backup bullet? Exactly. Yeah, just in case. Yeah. We cut to a couple smooching at the rail. Carl Lawrence walks up to the couple, pokes the man in the back. It's a weird move when someone's smooching. Carl's son is shocked that he's on the cruise because he lives in Europe, Mike.

Can you imagine you're making out with your fiance on a boat? You're 18. Somebody pokes you in the back, weird enough, turn out your dad from Europe.

From Europe? What? What part of Europe? Southern you know, okay. All right, dad. Europe part. What country? Hard to say. All right, dad. All right. You're living that mission impossible thing. You know, it's just a TV show, sir.

I I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it just bothers me so much. And it's just an indication of all the things where it's like, you could have just said anywhere. Just say London, Rome, I'll move on. Right, exactly. Don't say Europe. I just noticed I'm from parts unknown.

Hey, where are you from? America. Oh, stop it. Stop it.

From none of your business.

None, yeah. Just giving them hemisphere. Some northern hemisphere kind of guy.

It's like in hockey when they do lower body or upper body injuries.

The vague injury reports. It's awful.

You'll never find me, Aaron Moran.

Yeah, never. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. And it's funny, Carl's like, uh, from the back, I thought you were Bert Convey. Jesus, son.

Congratulations for marrying Paul Hollister.

We spent an awful lot of money on traveling to and from the Dallas Cowboys, right? No. Marianne Walker walks up. Her daughter Carrie is very surprised to see her as well, because I guess Marianne Walker lives in Asia. I don't know. She introduces her to her fiancee, Ted. Ted thanks him. I think this is the dumbest storyline. I just wanted to say right here, this is so stupid. This I don't think it's even the worst.

I I don't disagree that it's not the worst, but it's not even the worst storyline on the show.

It just keeps going, and there's more, and we're like, this is all right. Again, I really one concise episode. This would have been a banger of an episode, but they Yeah, this is on the cutting room floor.

This is gone. Like, no offense, everybody. You all did fine, but yeah. Yeah.

That's what I should have done. I should have edited the the episode down. You're like, this is gonna about to be the greatest episode, and just never bring up stupid Carl and his European dad. Edit on the fly. Doc walks up to Isaac and asks how he's doing. Isaac says, For me, okay. For him, great. He's referring to Gopher.

Yeah.

Still arm in arm with Rena and Valerie.

And that literally might have been the last funny part of the whole storyline. That was it. Thank God there's 38 more scenes of it.

Thank God there's still like an hour and 43 minutes left in this episode. Gopher tells Doc you're lucky. You're not a judge, Doc. This could kill a man. Funny, funny, funny, funny. Lawrence and Sheila Evans enter their cabin. Sheila comments. Lawrence always traveling in style. Because I mean what a cabin. What a cabin. Two beds.

This is the same cabin that Schneider stayed in. This is a terrible cut.

The cardboard box bed. Like it's just it's terrible. It looks like the same room that's a safe on. Remember the guy with the neck? Remember this thing? I think it was the same room where they had like the cot set up. It's the same room every week.

Yeah, it really is. They they just move the camera and the door. That's all it really is.

It's amazing how much the rooms on the island princess look like the rooms on the wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why would Stubing have his normal office in the island princess?

I think that was it his normal office. I don't know that it was his totally normal office.

I gotta go back and look.

See now I'm a little irritated because if you remember, like the table felt like it was way more in the front close to the door when Vicky comes in. I don't think it was the same. Plus, I assume the ship lines are close, right? They may not be exactly the same, but at least they're close.

So yeah. She sees flowers, uh Sheila sees flowers, reads the car, and then she asks Lawrence why he's doing that, doing all this. Lawrence says that he still loves her. She says it's too late. He says he needs her. She tells him that all he ever wanted, all he ever needed was success. Lawrence tells Sheila that he loves her and that before the cruise is over, he's gonna win her back. How about how about don't do it on a cruise? How about win her back and then go on a cruise? Or how about it?

You two know what happened.

Why are you not saying something to me doing? It's just and with that, we go to our very first commercial break. This was a long bit before the commercials.

And the thing is, it's like I give them a pass when they have these long ones on these two parts because you got to set everything up.

But I don't feel no, that's what I'm saying. And with the two episodes, I was like, there was a lot of fluff, man. Like a lot of fluff. Yeah, but thank God, too. We're back from break. I would normally say we're in the coral dining room, but I don't know the name of this dining room. So we're gonna say we're eating room.

What is the what is the Atlantic corals?

I don't know what it's the Grouper dining room. The grouper dining room. The flounder, the Freddie Flounder, mayor of Fishtown. Carl and his son Ted are walking through the dining room. Carl, when I was your age, I wasn't even thinking about getting married. They both join Carrie and Carrie's mom for dinner. Gopher's at dinner with the judges. Doc walks up, gopher introduces them. Doc asks to join them as soon as Doc sits down. Gopher, Rena, and Valerie all get up and leave the table.

This is Well, luck yeah, and again, it's it's act two.

So Then it's gonna lead to like a felony. You know what I mean?

Like it's gonna lead to crazy. For some reason they try to fool us that gopher's dead.

Like I don't how do you leave well? Yeah, I don't want to ruin that one because part two is ten times worse than part two. Oh all the good we're at the good part now. Yeah, this is the this is the good stuff. So much anger yet to come. Uh Mary Hubble sitting at dinner table by herself with a very worried look on her face. I want to go, hey Mary Hubble, you need to chill out. Like she asked Isaac if she if he'd seen Tom. He was supposed to meet her for dinner 15 minutes ago.

I mean, to be fair, she's been basically nine times. No kidding.

So Isaac turns her around and Tom has arrived for dinner. Emergency averted. She joins Tom and apologizes for being late. Yeah, no kidding. That's why she's got PTSD. This guy put her through the freaking ringer.

Yeah. Earned.

I mean, so she better have a nice engagement ring. Let's just say that. I don't remember seeing it in the episode, but that thing better be.

I assume it's like a subway card. It's a tenth card.

Because it's a smart gift, you know? Maybe it's a little cow. Maybe it's a little like puppet, like a roo. It's the captain's table of the cow engaging. That would be awesome. It's the prestigious captain's table. You know what? And at first I'm like, wow, I wonder what this captain's table. Boo, boo, boo. Yeah.

Yeah. The final tablecloth over three tables.

Fly in the good tables. No, no, this is terrible. Lawrence is telling Stubing that if you want to make a marriage work, you have to allow for a mistake or two.

Right.

And then work at that, work at it that much harder. Okay. Vicky says that when she gets married, her and her husband are going to make it stick. Then she says, a husband. That sounds yucky. Great, Vicky. Okay, that's great.

The uh the whole thing about you have to allow for a mistake or two, that's more like when you're fill you know reconciling your register at the end of the shift. That's not that like good good luck telling anyone that as a real theory leak. That's funny.

That is true.

That sounds like a man who has made a mistake.

Yeah, who's been fired a time or two, does not handle cash well. Sure. You're you're gonna be living in Europe, Larry. So I I remember as a cashier in a fast food restaurant, I don't want to give away any, you know. And I remember I would like uh they would cat and they'd be like, You're seven dollars over. And I'd be like, right? We're making the company to be named later, money, right? And they're like, no, like what are you doing?

Oh, I used to I used to do the money at at Wawa on the weekends because I was uh you know, 18-year-old genius, much like kids getting married, and we had a list, like it would you had like a running total, it wasn't just for the shift, it was for yeah, yeah. I took all that and definitely went a pro with it. Yeah, it was but the thing is like you built in those mistakes, it wasn't I've cheated on you six times.

No, no, no, no.

This is the eighth time, right up.

Yeah, yeah. She didn't need that. Come on, where's the self-esteem? Don't go through that and a tenth, get out of here with that. And it yeah, anyway, uh camera cuts to Marv and Emily having dinner. Julie walks up, Marv tells Emily that Julie's the world's greatest cruise director. Julie asks him, How many cruise directors do you know? Marv says one. Julie says that Marv is her all-time favorite guy. Favorite guy? Marv asks how many guys she knows. Julie says one.

Or just or have a little like just just have one scene that like even felt like you you went back to the well or something. Yes. But I think they're saving. I do think at this point now they've gotten listen, they've gotten Julie squared away. So now I think maybe they're saving that.

So we join Carl, Ted, Carrie, and Marianne are on deck sitting in a table together. Again, very bright outside today. Carl picks up his plate and decides to go for seconds. We'll come back to that. We'll come back to what this guy's putting on his plate. And he makes Ted go with him, which is a little I'm getting seconds. Come with me, boy, that I don't get to see very often because I live in Europe. Europe, yeah. Marianne tells Carrie that she's so you and asks her how she's gonna get by.

Yeah. When I think back about the person I was dating when I was 18 in the first two months, I definitely think I could have fooled myself into thinking that was gonna be the person I was gonna marry, but now I look back and I'm like, oh god.

Yeah, I I didn't date a lot when I was that.

Yeah, I Well, you lived in to be fair, you were in you were living in Europe.

So I was in Europe. What part? Uh Southern Europe. Southern Europe. Yeah, that's true. Lower, upper western lower. What part? The east part. Oh, okay, okay. That's wonderful. Carl's loading up his plate with at least one olive for round two, and Ted is with him. That's not seconds. He put an additional olive. I'm gonna load up my plate. Ted, this food was so good. One olive. Like, what are you doing? Well, because that's in Europe. They don't do they don't do buffets in Europe.

Oh, God.

I just couldn't believe it. Like, we get all these buffets, and this Joker makes a makes a point to talk about oh, I'm foundished. I'm going back for round two and gets an olive.

Like, did they just not have did they just not have a lot of food acting on Mission Impossible? Just slop some stuff on the plate. You don't have to eat it, dude.

I bet you he's terrible at the drinking the empty cup thing, too, or talking on the phone with nobody.

Yeah.

I'm a method actor. If I'm gonna get food, I'm gonna at least get an olive.

And this this didn't feel like the egregious Leto deck buffets, like it was probably safe, you know.

So I didn't see any mayonnaise-based salads in the sun in this one. There's no shade. Oh, load up on olives. I know I won't get sick from this. Oh boy.

I don't I laugh so hard when he just Peter Gary. That's not what's gonna kill Orm.

Maxwell.

It's not an olive. It's it's it's it's if I think it's one of those pitted olives. Who did it? Yeah, not the olive. The chef d de seated him or took the pits out. Would it be funny if that's what killed him? They tied it all back to the stupid olive. Oh, that'd be amazing. Oh, Marv's walking around deck, he's joined by Emily. Emily says that all the couples are driving her crazy. Because I'm Emily and I'm not so bright, you know?

Not as bright as my dress.

No. That's funny. Julie walks up, tells Emily that the radio room was able to get through the hotel in St. Thomas and that Brian has already checked out. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's what we're using the radio room for. We're having a hard time getting through. We're checking to see who checked out of a hotel. And you know it's like a CD hotel, too, because it's Brian. Well, you saw the receipt. It was like the captain's satellite or something. We'll get to it.

I had problems with this episode. This is not last week where the pregnant woman had like two or three obvious opportunities to tell Dennis Cole. Well, I mean, shit, you know? But you gotta make you gotta make it. And your thing is too, it's not your bad news, right? So you can, but I it's the classic, I'm such a good guy that I can't even like use this to my advantage.

Like, yeah, but I think he did though. He kind of tried to in a way, you know what I mean, in a very yeah, but see, here's a non-energetic way.

Here's the thing. I don't think they ever I don't think they did, and they should have, honestly. They didn't do the move where at some point he could have told her, but didn't specifically because he wanted more time with her. Like, if they were going for that, they did a terrible job of like actually showing that.

Well, let's talk about remember the the Catherine Bach that thing. Exactly. No, that was that all over again.

That was too blatant. So right, right. This is all three bears episode. There's a middle that they could have hit on some of this stuff. It's just all three bears. Three bears from Europe.

Three bears from what part? Undetermined. Hard to say. Hard to say. Rather not, rather not give out that location. Too specific. Tom McMahon walks up to Isaac in his tiny non-poolside bar, asks Isaac to put a head on that, but it didn't look like he had a beer. So I don't what yeah. Sir, you want to you want beer foam on a sex on the beach? Uh yeah.

Maybe a boilermaker, Isaac.

What? Okay. Isaac asks if Mary's with him. Tom says, not yet. Tells Isaac that he loves Mary, wants to get married, but he wishes they were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Isaac asks if he's scared of marriage. Tom said that he's scared of the first 49 years. Which I'm what?

Yeah, I didn't get that. That was clunky. I don't I don't think that landed, whatever they were trying for. I think he's basically like, I wouldn't mind being married for 50 years, but I don't want to be married for 49 years. Like for one.

He just wants a party. That's all he wants. He wants he he wants gifts. He wants a trip to like the newlywed game. And it's to be over. He'll be on the divorce a thon cruise coming up next week. Imagine that if the next two-parter is the divorce a thon, they take him back to St. Thomas.

I'm hoping the next two-parter is a lot more straightforward than this because that's mine.

This is just camera cuts to Stubing. He walks up to Sheila Evans and says, Hello, this is weird. Sheeling tells Stubing that she envies him. What the fuck? And then he has a beautiful life here with the ocean in his ship. Sheila, what the hell are you talking? You don't even know what are you talking about? It's not even his ship. And it's not a ship. It's not an ocean. Jesus, Sheila. It's weird.

Oh, yeah, that's the thing though. But but what we need to note is this is their interactions in the first part.

Right.

It's very it's I mean, I didn't get the impression that she was making moves or anything. I think she's just talking to an old man.

I well, right. And well she tells him that she always wanted a family, but he and Lawrence were always on the go. Stubing's a ship captain. He chose the sea.

Like, I don't know why we're even also they've only been married for ten years. Like that that's the thing. Like, we didn't bring that up. They've only been married for ten years, and Stubing keeps treating them like they're the greatest love story ever told and stuff. And it's like, Well, I don't know.

Like then Stubing says a odd comment. You'd make one heck of a mother someone I just met frickin' two seconds ago.

And has and has been near my daughter twice. Yeah.

You gotta be careful saying stuff like this, man. Like, you don't know if if you know what I mean? Like, what a this is what I'm saying. This whole Sheila Stubing Vicky triangle thing is is weird. It is so forced and it's so unnecessary and so uncomfortable, and so unearned. Like, stop trying to like replace Vicky's mom. Just stop. It's all weird.

Hey, hey, hey, Stoobs, here's an idea. Maybe old Eleanor, when she came, you should have introduced her to Vicki. Right.

Oh, you remember Eleanor? That's the one you watched dance with another dude. Remember that one on the dance floor? Like you just stood there. Oh, poor guy.

Yeah, at least at least Vicky protected Stubing this time at some point. She stood in front of it at the end. Yeah. We are never going to finish this episode, by the way.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's gonna be, it's, it's gonna be we're gonna be here for two and a half weeks.

Oh, and like it's in Panamas.

Yeah, well, it does take about 16 to 18, 18 nights. How long's the podcast? 15, 18 nights. Carl and Marianne are sitting indoors together having a drink. Carl says that he is just out of arguments for Ted. Marianne says that she isn't getting anywhere either. Carl decides to work on Carrie, and Marianne can work on Ted. The old switcheroo. How are they gonna do this, Mike? Slyly and subtly exaggerate all of their faults, which reminded me.

All my jokes would be true. Yeah, it was great.

That was fun. And then we had the day where no one could lie. Are you guys watching football upstairs? Sure are. Who's upstairs? Then I moved.

Then I moved from Philadelphia to Europe. That's right.

What part? Europe. The Europe part of Europe. Europe, comma, Europe. Back on deck, we see Lawrence Evans standing with different couples in lounge chairs, sitting around him in a circle. He asked the brides to write down ten characteristics of their perfect husband. He asked the grooms to write down ten characteristics of their perfect wife. Again, they didn't even show the conclusion to this. There was no.

He doesn't even have like a microphone or a megaphone. Like you're on the seat. No one can hear you. No, there's no way anybody can hear him.

Like, there's just it is who, but there's they don't even show what happened. Like it was just dumb. Everyone kept writing, and then there's no ending.

Well, okay, so everybody's writing 10 things, there's 50. So this is what 500 answers that have to be, you know, it's like, so I guess that's what the judges have been doing the whole time. How do you judge that answer? Like it, don't like it. Bagning Gopher, apparently.

So this is a 14-point answer. This is a six-point answer. The whole thing is just so dumb. We see Gopher with the judges. They're arguing over what's most important in a marriage. Doc walks up, sees an opportunity to replace gopher, tells Gopher that he can talk to Stubing and get him replaced as a judge. Valer and Reno walk up to Gopher, give him a couple smooches and walk off hand in hand. Oof. Gopher tells Doc not to worry about talking to Stubing for him.

I mean, the last few cable grams we got were your insurance will not pay for your car damage. Right. The trial, the robbery trial is over. Television network not taking your unfilmed television show.

Yeah, how is that even getting through? How do we get in touch with him? Cablegram. He's somewhere in the Caribbean.

He's somewhere in the Panama Canal. How long does that take to get there?

I don't think they'd go out of the way to send the d like the no thanks, but no thanks letter. Like, Jesus.

That's true.

This is a bad network. This isn't the network. This isn't one of the American networks. It's a European television. It's a European.

Of course it's a European network. It's nighttime. On the cruise, Marv is walking with Emily in the cabin hallway. Emily tells Marv that there are tons of girls on the ship looking to get married. You don't have to hang out with me. He walks Emily to her cabin, a quick smooch. Marv was ready for a much bigger smooch in this situation, which is very non-marv-like, you know, in my opinion. But it's this mustache. Mustache Marv is a different creature than non-mustache Marv.

That would have been great. I mean, he's not working, he's not working tonight.

He just shows up to badmouth John Baker. That son of a bitch, John Baker. Marv walks up to Julie. Julie asks where Emily is, and she says that she sure Emily wants to look good for Brian tomorrow. It's tomorrow already. This is so great that Marv has given her a smooch and is not even like, by the way. Just two days now. A quick two days.

Yeah. So maybe we do get to eight. Maybe we do get to 18 days.

It's like playoff beards by the time this cruise is over. Julie sees that something is up with Marv. And Julie knows that just by looking at him because they've known each other for so long.

Exactly. But when they're when they're besties like that, you can just tell.

He asks if they can talk, which he takes like one step to the left. He's like, come into my office. You know, like what just can't we just talk right here? Why can't we talk right here?

Let's talk over here where the sound mics can't pick us up very well. So no kidding.

That's like that guy that, you know, with with with Vera's makeout spot. It's one of those type of things. No, no, no. I can hear you. Step to your left, step closer to the slow sack speaker. Marv tells Julie that Brian isn't coming, that she ran he ran off with an old girlfriend. Marv says he can't tell Emily because she's such a great girl. Julie says it looks like Marv has feelings for Emily based on whatever. Julie tells Marv that he has to tell her.

Yeah.

Spoiler alert, he doesn't tell her tomorrow. Alright, let's just get to that. He does not tell her tomorrow. And we go to our second commercial break. Back for break. Doc and gopher are jogging together. Doc tells Gopher that he isn't jealous of him at all. Here comes Valerie. She gives him a smooch and they'll be meeting each other for breakfast. Doc says he's that being jealous is a waste of time.

Well, he's also wearing a room.

Always. He's wearing a Dusty Rhodes Common Man hat, but this one's made of light blue terry cloth. Awful hat.

I got the impression that I got the impression that Bernie Capell was a little worried about the island sun because I've he wore a hat in every outdoor scene. So I don't know if you know things were a little thin up top and he was worried or not.

I've heard that when people do go thin on top, you either have to wear a hat or you have to wear sunscreen. I don't really have to worry about that. We see a man standing in the I'm sorry, I jumped ahead because of the hair joke. Rena tells Gopher that he forgot all about their drink last night. She says he'll forg he'll forgive her if he takes her to breakfast. Ask him to help Julie with bingo because gopher is gonna be tied up. Enough with that storyline already.

Stupid phrase.

It's the dumbest. We see a man standing in the cabin hallway. Shady, shady gentlemen. Lawrence Evan leaves the room. The man who was waiting introduces himself as Ed White. And he loves this contest.

But I

Be Ed White is but I'd be happy with just the house and the car, and you could keep the money. Why would you say that? Why why wouldn't you keep the money? It just is stupid.

Why why don't we keep those two? Okay, so Ed White, unless he's got a source, unless he's got a source inside the network, he doesn't know that the money is a problem. So he's going there, what assuming the sight unseen, like shot in the dark. And then he never really says that you could keep the money. He just says that we wouldn't need the money. And then he stares at him for like a while.

Ed White's the kind of guy that, like, if you asked him why, and he's like, Well, you don't know if you don't ask. Like, he'll ask for anything, you know.

Ed Ed White gives long handshakes. Like, he holds on for a while.

Ed White will eat everybody's pizza bones, too. Waste not, want not, Ed White.

I'll tell you one thing. Ed White's not getting one olive on that return trip to the buffet. Nope.

I only go once and I pile it up. I'm Ed White. Oh.

Keep your money.

You know what? Ed White's not even a villain. Ed White's just being Ed White. I'm not mad at Ed White. No, Ed White didn't do anything wrong.

No, he was trying to get his house. I would be very curious to see what happened after the boat.

I hope every contest on this boat, Ed White shows up.

Dude.

He's trying to rig everything. He's looking to take a little bit less. Yeah, just shady Ed White. Tom and Mary are walking on deck. Tom mentions how beautiful all of this is. They run into Isaac, tells him that the early bird catches the love bird. Isaac, shut up. Shut up with this. Just don't you have drinks to make? Like he is he is just hunting this couple down for the entirety of these two episodes. And that's it.

Do we really see him with any other couple? Like, I mean, it's just that.

No, because they it's the whole I I was your bartender once. Like it's weak. It's weak. Marv says they haven't discussed where they're going to live once they get married. She says that they should buy the type of house his brother has. Tom doesn't want that. He doesn't want the mowing. It's going to be one of those, I'm going to find a problem with everything you say. Mary says they can get an apartment. Tom says that the neighbors will drive him crazy. It's just.

Oh, so this feels like a very. This feels like a very uh we should have discussed this one of the other nine times. Where are we going to live?

Or I feel like she got him on this cruise and he didn't really know what this cruise was. And he was like, wait, ah shit. For real. And he's like, well, shit. What the hell?

What did that big banner say? Hold on, wait a minute.

Oh, wait, what? Monroe. Can cosmic cow re yeah, marriage.

Shit.

Yeah, he's just stuck. Damn it. The island princess has arrived in Caracas, Venezuela. Emily's excited to see Brian. I'm excited for Emily to see Brian. And she looks over the non-load bearing railing. Careful, don't lean on that. Mind the railing. Here comes Marv. Marv says, Brian's not going to meet you. He'll meet you in Curacao. I got the two destinations confused. And Emily just box of rocks, just okay. Sounds good. She's stop it.

She was mad. She was mad at Donnie Mos. She wasn't that mastage. She should have been way madder than that. She really should have consulted. She should have consulted Isaac, or Donnie Most should have to find out the difference between Kerisel and Karakas.

Can I see that map again, Isaac? Hold on. Where is the Unreal? Julie walks up, tells Julie what he just told Emily. Tells Julie he just couldn't tell her.

And Julie says that she No, Julie, I didn't tell her. I couldn't do it.

I'm Don Most. My mustache keeps me from being being earnest. Oh poor Don Most. Marvin Prime or Marv Prime. There's two different characters here. Stubing's in the hallway walking with Sheila. Stay away from Sheila Stubing. Uh, tells Sheila that he knows that she and her husband are going through some hard times. What a Dinsky man. But like she said, oh, we we wanted to have a family and this and this and that.

He's just gotta chill out, man. He at least admits, he at least admits to being a nosy captain, but like that's some that's some guts to say that to anybody. Listen, I know your marriage stinks. No kidding.

But wait, is is this what he was too busy doing that he couldn't be a judge? It's just being a Bansky.

Right. Did he know that he was gonna spend so much time with Debbie Reynolds? Because otherwise his calendar was pretty free for like 16 of these 18 days.

I want to see what his to-do list was on that damn clipboard. Just give me a just a quick camera shot of what he spent all day.

So it's so it's the Debbie Reynolds thing, which could not have been planned for, and the gopher thing, which could not have been planned for. Well, he didn't do he didn't do anything. Most of the time he spent was was caused by other members of his crew.

He put more effort into into prying marital issues out of Sheila Evans than he did to like recover his own crew memory. He could have been dead for all he knows. Wait, people. Part two of this episode's gonna get nuts. Let me get there because it's we're wasting our time here because the the gold is well. Tell Sheila, yeah, they're going through hard times, tells her that when a marriage lasts that long, you should have a careful look before it's thrown away.

Single man who got basically dumped by his wife over his wife. Yeah. And then and then has one failure after another on this boat. Like so.

Remember what the nominee was for like worst moment was him on the dance floor last year. How are you? How do you go from that to doling out advice? I'm pretty sure.

And listen, Stubing won best crew member, but also I think worst moment. I had like 10 Stubing moments. Yeah. So it's like, come on, Meryl.

Stubing says it's obvious that her husband loves her very much. He's such a weird. And then he Sheila thanks Stubing and he gives her a proper two-finger salute. Like, what is the end game here? And now I I almost don't blame Vicky as much because But Vicky doesn't see any of this. No, she doesn't see this. That's true. I it's just weird. Sheila enters her cabin, tells the housekeeping person, you don't have to make up the couch tonight. Okay. Knock on the door, it's Ed White again.

Like, what?

Yeah.

The biggest jump in act one was this. You can't put anything together from what Ed White told you unless you're looking for something. Also, she took Stubing's She also took Stubing's advice to the point where she was gonna let Darren McGavin sleep in the right, right? So it's just like she unearthed.

Stubing's so fucking omniscient. Like he knows every every twist of the come on, bro.

It's like last year with the um last year with the adopted kid, remember, and the mom comes in and Steven gives advice, and she basically immediately he's like, think about things, and she's like, you can meet her, or something like that. It was like he didn't even like his advice is terrible, but people act on it immediately.

So it's almost like contractually you have to take his advice because he's a captain, but like there's no reason to, but like I don't know. It's he's not even on his ship, so uh geez. He asked Sheila to tell Lawrence that he talked to his fiance and it's a deal. Tell Sheila that he'll know what that means. How would Sheila know? She's just gonna assume the worst, right? Until he's whatever.

Right, which again, I guess I'm gonna do it. Right. Which that's that's fair, but again, they don't even flesh that out.

No like they don't tell you anything. Well, because that's it, because it's like well, it's it's weird because essentially they're just saying that this Lawrence guy's just like you know, he makes bad decisions, but he travels in style. It's a it's a weird character they've created in this Lawrence guy. Like his wife's there, she loves him enough to be there, but not enough to this. He's a TV. He just sounds like a used car salesman type, you know?

Well, and it's also hard because they don't make him enough of what they're saying that he is, when he then, on the other hand, is being very loving and you know I'm not saying he's you know unfallible, but it's like he he they don't make him as villainous as they probably need it to be. They feel like it's it's like I said, it's a lot of A to C. Yeah, they just That's a good point.

It is a lot of that's a good way to put it from A to C because it's a lot of just nothing. Isaac walks up to a smooching Tom and Mary. He's asking him about the baby diapering contest. Tom's not really down with that. Mary says she always this is where it gets weird too. Mary says she always did that for her sister's babies. And now she'd be able to do it for our babies and gives Tom a smooch. Tom is not. How old is hold on a second. Hold on. People weren't having babies at this age.

That wasn't a thing we saw in 1980. We we saw that woman have get pregnant at 59 a couple months a bit years ago. So Yeah, it's just okay. All right. I also think I also think they both probably aren't as old as you think they are. But that's true.

That we you know they love to play those games.

Right. I think the bigger thing is as someone who has been married for for a while, I I think the two main conversations you want to have before marriage are where are we going to live and do we gonna have are we gonna have kids? So to have them both by 20 minutes before the wedding seems like a problem.

Oh god.

Yes.

Man, and it's funny, it's like, what are the other items that came up that didn't come up this time that derailed this thing nine for me?

The most trivial stuff. Oh, you know, yeah. Right. Like they definitely know what kind of silverware they want to have.

You know, it's like oh, but I also think that that Tom has paved that road. Like he's agreed to things he probably doesn't want to agree to, so he always has that ammunition to like end it based on something he agreed to against his will.

I've been there before. Oh, do you think these are like the big these are like the big guns because he knows he's in trouble? Yeah, you gotta you gotta set that that mind for later where you can go, oh we can't be together because you know, you know, because you're a dick. These are like final these are like final boss questions that he says. Oh 100%.

100%. She mentions if she's too old to have a baby, he tries to. I'm sorry. Mary says, if she's too old to have a baby, it's because he dragged her through ten engagements. Oh boy, it's not going well with them. We see Tom walking between Carl and Carrie. So one scene intersects with the other. You got Tom walking between Carl and Carrie, and in the process, he asked Carrie, Were you number 22? She says yes, and he says that he never forgets a number, and then he walks away.

Okay.

There comes Sheila. She asks if she can speak to Lawrence. She asks about this this son of a bitch, Ed White. What the hell's going on here? And he says, Oh, that nothing. Sheila says, I gotta know. She's like, No more lies. He says that the network deal fell through. Boy, he just caved quickly, right? Like, why would you because how would she ever know? He he could have just told her some nonsense. Well, Lawrence is a stand-up guy. I don't know.

I mean Well, the other problem is he spent the 50 grand on the city. Right. Like, what do you think?

Like, what do you think?

Plus, what did you spend it on?

Like, production to to sell it to the TV people, apparently, which never happened. Yeah, what do you spend 50 grand? That's a lot of money then.

The banner, the the fake baby dolls for the diapers.

Yeah. The list, the paper and pencils to write out your favorite characteristics.

The all those olives.

The the diapers. Oh, the six olives for seconds. Oof. Yeah, what you'd manage you better one olive a day if it's an 18 1899.

I mean, do do we assume do we assume that he booked? Like, do you think these wedding people are paying for the cruise? I would assume they are. Yeah, well, he's not paying for the cruise. Right. So I don't know where the money went. He is a flim flammer, Mike.

Well, that's just it. Is so you're gonna pay for a cruise, and one of you is gonna win fifty thousand dollars a house and a car? What is who's who's coming out? That's the stupidest contest I've ever heard of.

I gotta tell you, Debbie Reynolds marries terrible men. Eddie Fisher. Awful. Lawrence Evans, Darth Vader.

These are all terrible men.

Hmm. Wow. Sheila says, I'll share your lie, but I won't share a cabin or share your life. She is pissed. She walks away.

She was looking for a reason to go, though. Well, to be fair.

Or you don't look very happy. You'd be a great mother. Like all these weird, like Yeah.

Is he white nighting her? Is he good? He's not good enough to white night her way, right? But by accident. He doesn't know how to do it.

Under what circumstance do you go to a woman who doesn't have children and go, you know what? You'd make a great mom.

I mean, do you remember who else he told me an excellent mother? Julie.

God, don't do oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Oh, you'd have little little little beautiful chinoes. I mean, not chinoos turning around.

Shinopes. Shinope.

Oh, Shinonito. These little little chinos. Ship is leaving Caracas and headed for Curacao. Marv's in a tuxedo again. This is the third time he's wearing one in this episode. I hope he's got 12 more.

I mean, to be fair, to be fair, he's the best man at everybody's weddings. He's got tuxedos. He's like the pac-man of tuxedos. He's like.

Or he or he came empty-handed and Pierre hooked him up. Maybe Pierre's on the island.

You think Pierre's on this one?

Or you think there's an island Pierre? It's a crime that they don't show him to us if he's on this cruise. It's a damn crime.

It would have been funny if they had like all the characters, but they were on the other side. So it was just the alternate universe version. Like black black gopher, white eyes in it.

White eyes. Everything's backwards. He's standing with Emily. She apologized for the way she acted. I don't, she didn't really say she was mad at Brian, but took it out on Marv. Tells Marv that he's been nicer than anyone. Marv tells her that he has to talk to her. I'm like, just say it, bro. Emily tells him that you made an honest mistake, and then we'll see Brian the day after tomorrow. Gives Marv a smooch. Boy, Marv's nothing. He's like, Yep, I guess we will. Like, sure. Zoink's.

Larry or Ed White.

If if I had an argument on a plane with my wife, right? I don't feel like I would have to knock and knock on the cabin and be like, look, we were going to get the cheese plate, and I was against the cheese plate, but my wife went out and we got the cheese plate. And turns out the cheese plate was pretty enjoyable. Like, sir, can you go back to your seat? Yeah.

Is there another plane I can take, please?

I just want to knock. Yes, sir. You'd make a great dad. Just want you to know. I'm going to be back in my seat now. Thank you. And we go. Oh, I'm sorry. Sheila needs a cabin. Why would she go to the captain's? That's that's a bold. Talk about uh ignoring the chain of command. Jesus, man.

Hey, to be fair, she knows the captain, right? She's got you know for five minutes. I mean, the purser is otherwise detained. You can't move on this boat.

So I just yeah, yeah, no kidding. Uh if she needs a cabin, Vicky pops out and offers her room to Sheila. Just settle down here. Let's let's let's not pee where we eat or crap where we shoot. What is it? Crap where we eat, crap where we is it crap where they shit where we eat. Okay, yeah.

So they were I mean, this is a different boat, which does bother me that they didn't explain why these guys are running the island boat that were in Isaac's thing. But so it's the exact same setup in that Vicky is next to Stubing. But if it's only a one-week show sojourn, they couldn't just have a room together.

Like it didn't make any sense to me. The logistics of it made no sense, but I okay. Sheila says, Wow. Sheila says no. Vicki says that she she can sleep on in Stubing's office, and Stubing being the whatever. If anybody's gonna sleep in the office, it's gonna be me. That's great. That's great. And we go to our third commercial break.

Thanks, Stubing, for that really but especially because this is not the normal boat, which means it's not Vicky's quote unquote normal room. It's not her room, it's a room. So have a temp room. Have Debbie Reynolds stay in there. Stubing can sleep on the couch if he wants, and Vicky gets Stubing's bet. That's way less weird.

Like I don't know why they're doing all this.

Like well, that's his move. I mean, that's his move. He loves having old he loves having old people who are fighting with their spouse sleep in his bed. Well, he loves it.

He accidentally leaves out that big book of shipwrecks. You know what that leads to. Oh, do you think he brought that? Oh, do you think he packed it? Yeah. Or do you think it comes with every ship? Every ship has it. It's usually so they can, you know, read about shipwrecks, not not Meryl. He uses it as a booster seat sometimes. Back from break, it's the diaper changing contest. Jesus. The men are blindfolded. This is so stupid. Ted's doing great. Tom McMahon, not so good.

You know, Mike, in this day and age, both men and women have to change diapers.

No kidding. It was just like, look at this fish out of water. Look at this cut.

That was as it was sexist. Right. That was as time warped. That was as time warped a thing as we've ever heard on this show. Oh, yeah. In 1980, it was new for a father to have to change a diaper.

They also had a pasta boiling contest, too. Like, uh, what is this? What is water? Yeah, it just made him look just stupid.

Yeah.

Tom tries to laugh it off, tosses the baby head to Gopher. Valerie, the judge, is criticizing the score that Rena gave to the last couple. She says they hate each other and they're not even married. Rena says arguing's healthy, and Valerie tells Rena that she must be one of the healthiest girls in town. Here comes Doc. In the end, Gopher hands Doc the doll head, and the three judges walk. Away arm in arm.

The the the it wouldn't have been great. But the that was really the only time that we had like the difference between Don Wells and Angillion. Yeah. Which at least could have been something you know, but it just but they just basically both turn into these vapid just judging groupies. I I I still don't quite understand.

And all they're trying to do is just get it done. Like every every two seconds they're knocking at someone's door, like Jesus, man.

And I mean, why did we not have a scene with Darren McGavin and the two lady judges? So at least you could have understood maybe these are the ones that he was cheating with that made Debbie Reynolds jealous or something like that, right? Why wouldn't you just use that?

Why would you have two single ladies as a judge? Wouldn't you have a married couple as a judge with a freaking marriage-thon?

I I mean she is a I don't even know what's a psychiatrist, Mike. I mean, and and Dawn Wells has a she essentially has like a really good blog, a marriage blog, it sounds like ac I'm Kathy.

Ew, bathing suit season. Is that what it is? Is it that one?

Europe, so Marva's dance with Emily.

She says how beautiful it is. She wished Brian was here to see all this. Tells Marv that he'd be a great husband. Ask him what kind of wife would he like. Oh Jesus. Marv says someone just like you. She says we could have been married ten years from now, or ten years by now, Marva, Marv goes in for the smooch. That's a there's still some there's some there's like a time stamp here, man. You can't be doing that. You you you I know that Brian There's just the whole thing is just a weird jump.

And again, I feel like I'm saying it a lot, but there are jumps where it's like, first of all, you'd make a great who I I have had plenty of female friends, actual friends. Sure. Yeah, you can't. I don't even know if in deep conversation before I was with anyone, they would be like, You'd be a great husband, let alone like a day and a half into something. Like that's just a weird thing to do.

You don't even know them. They're like a it's it's it's it's imagine then on your return flight from a trip, and the stewardess goes, same stewardess just happens to see you and go, you know, you'd make a great dad. And be like, what that's the weirdest thing anyone's ever said to me.

And then I really I said this last week with Julian Gopher, and I don't mean it in like a sloppy way or a poor decision way, but like a drink or two around these conversations would make me feel like, okay, this was a bit of a decision that was made in an error, but truth, right, truth floats to the top and all that kind of stuff. But they never go to that well, which makes me think either it wasn't a thing or it was like frowned upon.

Well Sish, this is wrong. She's getting married to Brian, and he's Marv's friend. Marv decides that now's the time to tell her. This is such a great framing job. Really intricately Don Most with your Marv said that Brian isn't his friend, and he isn't hers either. Tells that he isn't coming. Brian told Marv to break the news to her, and he apologizes to Emily and walks away. And we get a to be continued. We're making progress.

Yeah.

I'm excited because now the real fun begins. Uh part two is a shit show. Let's get right to it. Part two begins with Vicky bringing breakfast into Stubing's office. With Sheila comes out of Vicky's room and joins them. Scrambled eggs and very well done bacon. Not my bacon preference, Mike. What is your bacon preference?

I'm pretty actually I'm pretty agnostic with I'm pretty agnostic, honestly. I I'm happy with any bacon because the smell gets me where I need to get. I've had I've I enjoy all bacons. I'm not I don't like I don't like super crispy. I don't like super crispy, or super. That's probably the one or super floppy. So but yeah, for the most part. And honestly, while I love bacon, in in breakfast situations, I'm probably getting sausage or if in the right cases, scrapple.

Yeah, yeah. So well, scrapple. Let's can I just say that scrapple.

I'm probably not getting scrapple in carosco or wherever we are.

So curoso, no. Curacelle scrapple is not great. Well, I know we can get scrapple in Europe, Mike. We can get it in Europe. God, I love Scrapple. There was something the other day. I love Scrapple. Well done, please. European treat. Scrambled eggs and well done bacon. Vicky says this is terrific. Like, like we're one big family. Vicky's got some. And we just jump. We just jump here. We've gone from A to F already. Like Yeah. Why would I okay?

Vicky has, and this is what bothers me too, is not only in this episode have they jumped. Jumped, but Vicky has never, even in the custody stuff, they've never talked about a mom figure or anything. It never is hard. No.

She asked if they can all go sightseeing today. Again, Stubin's way too busy to go. Apparently not. Apparently not. Sheila said she'd love to. I mean, in Sheila's defense, what the hell else is she gonna do? She got nothing going on. She's not part of this contest. She wants to get as far away from Lawrence as possible.

Yeah, I understand why Sheila does. I understand why the 13-year-old does. I don't understand.

Stubin, like, come on, man. You have no command on the ground. Like, what do you what do you what are you gonna do? Like, no one's gonna be able to do that.

Yeah, he's very he's he's very quick to not let anybody get off the boat to go search for their probably dead purser. No one's leaving. Yeah, he'll split at a moment's notice.

Gopher's been harvested for his organs. No one's leaving this ship. Ren and Val are looking for Gopher, and Isaac tells him that he doesn't know where gopher is. Uh oh. Every gopher shows up, says that gopher had to go on shore for an emergency. Doc tells the two judges that gopher asked him to help with the judging while he was away. All this for this? Like, good lord.

Well, and it's that thing where it's like, I get I guess from Doc's point of view, it's like A, I had this and I blew it. B, these like seem like pretty willing participants. But you're on a giant boat, dude. You don't need to work this hard. Work smarter, not harder, Doc.

It's just Doc tells Isaac that he sent Gopher to go get medical supplies. Says, have you ever heard of a wild goose chase? And then excuses himself to rejoin Valerie and Rena. Boy, Valerie and Rena don't give two craps about it's about the it's about the sash.

What way the judges they just like the judges gavel. That's it.

Something. Well, they don't even need gopher. If two judges are here, you don't need a third judge, and really gopher had no point in the final decision, right? Well, I mean, ultimately arbitrarily chosen by that guy anyway.

So he was gonna fix it anyway.

So there's no point of judges, which is no point in Gopher almost getting killed overseas. All right. Stubing arrives on shore in Curacao with pants on. Much better look.

You know all the times he wears shorts. Yeah. This is where he wears pants.

Yeah, when he's walking around town, better put on my long shorts today.

What?

Vicki's walking in the middle of Sheila and Stubing. She puts their hands together until they're holding hands. Oh God, Vicki. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Ted and Carrie are also ashore. They bought each other hats. Fun. Ted says Carrie, their mother was right. She does love to spend money. Carrie tells Ted that his father told her that he falls in love with the drop of a hat. That's the whole scene. Carl and Marianne, Marianne tells Carl they're striking out.

Hey now.

He then asks Marianne if she likes gladiator movies.

Let me show you how it's done in Europe.

Peter fricking graves, okay? Maxwell Thorne.

RIP.

R.I.P. Maxwell Thorne. Doc with medicine bag in hand walks up to Tom and Mary. Tom says he's fine. He just can't say, you know. I do. I can't. I mean, he can't say it. I can say it. Obviously. I love how this is a medical problem. I just want to say how like he shows up with a medical bag because the person can't say the phrase I do.

Also, Doc doesn't have a medical office this week, which seems like a real problem that there's not like an actual brick and mortar doctor's office.

They go, here's your office, and they hand him a bag. Yeah.

Maybe maybe the captain didn't need a dining table this week. Right. Let's get the doctor an office.

What are we going to do with my bricker episode? Where's the spa? Listen.

I thought we were going to have bricker. Yeah, well, but it's not bricker. That's the problem.

No. I wish it was Bricker. We might have got an episode of Merrill instead of Bricker this week. So or Grandy. You've just got Grandy.

Barney Miller.

Doc checks him out, has him say ah, and then tries to have Tom say do. I love that Ted Knight is just letting Doc just mess with his face. I love that.

Ted Knight was like, if if you people let me go to the Panama Canal, I will do whatever the hell you want.

I will commit, just whatever. He was great. And he smacks him in the face a few times and tries to make his mouth say I do. I was just like, Norman Fell wouldn't let anybody do this. I guarantee it. No. He's like over my dead bot, my dead Philadelphia body. He'd be like, no way. Doc tells him to take it easy for the rest of the day. It's probably temporary. Doc walks away and tells Isaac that Tom has a severe case of cold feet. I guess we don't follow HIPAA guidelines on the island princess.

I mean, ultimately she moved on pretty quick a few times. So I'm not sure this. I'm not sure this was a good idea to get married on either side.

She's not. Marv tells her where the airport is and then asks if she really wants to fly home. Oh yeah. But she doesn't have any luggage with her. No pink dress, no anything.

Just leave it. Leave it all behind.

Leave it all behind. We see a drawbridge being opened and a man running, and I'm like, is that Mark Harmon? Like, because he there is a there is a there's a connection. No, it's it's Brian, that son of a bitch, Brian. And Emily is so excited to see him, which is just they hug. Marv is stunned. Brian says, Lucky we have Marv here to take care of you. What a what a what a move of a heel. Emily tells Brian that he told her that he wasn't coming at all.

So this guy, just to just to trump up his villainery, like he knew exactly where the boat was going to be each day because it's like he got it at the next stop. This is like three stops down.

So well, he needed some time with Myrna. Yeah, what happened to Myrna? She's probably at a Caracas. You know what I mean? Oh, Myrna's. Do you think she's one support?

Myrna is always one stop behind. He's got to keep moving. That's what it is. She's got a 16 to 19 day trip ahead of her.

It's like a beaver. If they stop chopping wood, it it grows it right into his brain. He's got to keep moving. I've been on the run for years from this Myrna. Sherp is now, ship is now. I'm sorry. Gopher is walking around Curacao, walks up to a man in a uniform. He says, trying to explain what he needs. He has no idea what gopher's asking. And Gopher says drugs. Suddenly the uniform man understands gopher from the reform. Gopher says he needs drugs for passengers on the ship.

I don't think as as as its own thing here, right here, it's fine. Right, right. But then they try to do two things at the same time.

Yeah.

And by doing that, ruin both things.

Yeah. They just yeah, they just it's like they couldn't help themselves in a weird way. I don't know.

If you took what happened, if you took the gopher hilarious, if you basically stop it at gopher, walks over, says like the first thing, a cop gives a shady look, and they cut the scene right there. Right. And then we don't see and then we don't see gopher till the end of the show. Everything else with the yeah, yeah, yeah. Like obviously, you know Fred Granny was not killed in. But like you could have at least given some gravity to the stuff they were doing.

They let you off the hook. There was no suspense, there was no tension. There was just like, here's everything. Right. Sloppy. Sloppy. And we're better than that at this point. Well, are we? Well, maybe not. All right. Doc's arm in arm with the two judges. Isaac has to talk to Doc for a minute. Tells Doc he didn't see Gopher. Doc tells him to relax. Gopher's off moping somewhere because he stole the judges from him. That's a real heel move by Doc, too.

Oh, yeah.

Like, back at the police department, Gopher's in jail. He's yelling, let me out of here. I'm an American citizen. We go to our first commercial break of part two. Boy, oh boy. Brian and Emily are smooching their way up the stairs to the deck. Emily introduces Brian to Julie. Julie is shocked. Brian drops his passport. Emily sees a hotel bill. For you know, the very fancy Bluebeard's castle in St. Thomas, where he stayed with a Miss Myrna Justin. Not a lot of forethought in that last name.

Do they put do they put the names on the hotel bills? I guess back then maybe they did. I don't I don't know. I I just assumed it was like under one name, right?

So maybe if it was like the the print from the credit card, maybe that like you would see at that. But I don't know why you'd have to.

Do you think the bluebeard is like, you know, people know it's like that spaceship strip club in Tampa? Like people just know she.

You know, she didn't even have to see Myrna. Like you were at the Bluebeard, shoot. That's a Myrna. That's a Myrna joint. It's a Myrna joint. You get that. You get Bluebeard's castle by the hour in St. Thomas. Takes you takes you six hours to get there, and you just rent the room for an hour. Emily says, just like this engagement ring. Oh, Brian says it was nothing, and Emily says, just like this engagement ring and walks away from Brian. Brian asks Julie to talk to her. Why would he do that?

Yeah, Julia. But yeah, but classic Brian villain move here because he's just like, hey, you're a brother. Plug to that for me.

Carl and Marianne are on the deck. She says that she feels so comfortable with Carl. Carl says, How can I be so relaxed when I've had this on my mind? Smooch. European European European kiss. There's nothing she could do. Smooth ass European Peter Graves.

Europe Peter Graves.

European. That's funny. Carl says, now I'm relaxed, and they start smooching again. Let's go bang town. That's Jesus. Jesus.

How about me, you, and one olive?

No kidding. One. I saved half an olive for you. That's it. In Europe, that means you're married if I give you half my olive. Stubing's in his cabin. It looks like he's getting ready for dinner. He's on the phone. He's telling someone he wants to see Gopher. Person stand at Gopher never returned. Stubing asks if anyone has checked his cabin. Wouldn't they check his cabin before they say he didn't return?

Wouldn't they check everybody before they sail?

Like, okay. Vicki walks in and Stubing asks her if she's seen his tie. Julie opens up.

How about if you've seen Gopher?

Yeah, how he's more worried about his stupid dinner. Oh, tell me how I opens up a dresser and has all Stubing's clothes organized. I don't know why, if it's a temp, but anyway. Turns out Sheila organized Stubing's clothes and hemmed Vicky's dress. Because she'd make a great mother, Mike.

Or a or a stalker.

Yeah, or weird. She's trying to go for a job. She's trying to go for the female stewardess's job from last week. She got nowhere to go.

I mean, to be honest, if uh somebody that I'm not even dating, right? If somebody was just in my apartment for some reason for like an afternoon or something like that when I was single, and all of a sudden I came home and they were in my socks and underwear drawer, I wouldn't like that very much.

No. I I remember that same thing happened. I went to work and there was a girl I was sort of seeing, and she was at my apartment, which I did not feel like it was a good idea. And I got there after work and she like, whose shower stuff is this? Like it was a whole like Spanish Inquisition. And I was like, Oh, you know, a friend of mine sometimes, you know, we hang out and she'll shower here, and and she insisted on throwing everything away.

Yeah, I have all these stories I will not be saying into a microphone.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing. You gotta, Mike, you gotta stop me. We're here to talk about the love vote, not my stupid story.

I said to my lovely wife when I was watching this the other day, I said, this episode is rife with things that will trigger Mike Taylor's stories.

Oh, I'm fighting it too. Believe me, I'm fighting it. Marriage a thon, been there. You know what I mean? Been in jail in Carousel, been there.

$50,000 game show scam.

Yeah, my name, my my birth name is Ed White. Sheila dressed for dinner, asks if it if she's too early for dinner. Stubbing says, a bit, but there's time for a stroll around deck. I'd have been like, so go ahead. Also, let me captain a new stroll. Like, what about busy? You busy? You busy girl? Yeah, he hasn't been busy at all this entire time. No, he really hasn't.

He's been less busy than he normally is.

Right. He invites Vicky, but Vicky says she has some things to do. Stuben gives Vicki a smooch and Lee is with Sheila. Tom McMahon is at the bar. Isaac is in this very schmancy new light blue jacket. I really like it.

Yeah.

We'll never see it again. No, it's done. It's done. Tom tells Isaac he tried, but due to his self-conscious not wanting to get married, he can't do it. Isaac asked about Mary. Tom says she'll have to face up to it. Mary walks in. Tells Tom that there's something wrong. She asked him why he'd want to marry an insane person. Mary says that she if she isn't insane, then why would she want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry her? She asked what her prize is if they get married.

It felt like the most Ted Knight scene was that scene. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You know what you know it's funny. So I and I know this is a longer episode, I do apologize. I just got this vibe from him. You know, you we we joke about Monroe, you know, and the characters. I feel like he was really I feel like Ted Knight was really supportive of people like going for it. Oh, absolutely. Over the top, you know, what he's doing, Jim J. I just feel like he was really a guy to be like, just go.

You know what I mean? Like look at look at the shows he was on. He centered very crazy stuff, and him him and himself was crazy. And I I I had started watching Mary Tyler more before we started doing this, I kind of stopped. Because it was confusing me, but we'll we'll dive back into it and we'll probably we'll probably do a Mary Teller more time.

I've never seen an episode of Mary Teller.

Yeah, we will definitely drop in, but it's just like he is amazing in that. He's obviously amazing in Caddyshack. It's a much different thing in Too Close Comf for Comfort, but no, he's great. He's just he's so believable.

Yeah. Like he looks like the character in the eyes. He doesn't look like he's he's just all of his characters.

Yeah, he can't mail it in. He's just he's incapable of mailing something in. Right.

We're in Doc's cabin. I'm thinking I say he doesn't seem to give two craps about Gopher's location. He's prepping for the judges to join him. He probably has his Japanese robes hanging up. Oh, I wonder if he packed.

I guess he did pack, yeah, he packed those, definitely.

Um knock on his door, and it's Isaac and Julie. Julie were worried. Gopher didn't come back. Doc says, you know, you're kidding. Isaac and Julie leave. Doc picks up a very odd picture of the crew and says, Gopher, you better be okay.

Why does he have that picture on a travel cruise? He sees them all the time.

Like, you know, he had a he had an even bigger picture in his suitcase, apparently. You remember that's a season one issue. Knock on Doc's door, it's Rena. Doc says, Rena, not tonight. Not tonight. All right, no more judging tonight, Rena. She leaves with a very confused look on her face. Here's where we get a very bricker look. Yeah. I wrote, oh shit, we're about to get an episode of Bricker right here. Doc says, if you're in trouble, it's okay. But if you're okay, you're in trouble.

Right. Which again would have been great, except we are smash cutting back to nonsense. Gopher into jail. And and it ru it it took away stupid all of it. Like you could have A, cut five minutes out of this stupid thing, and B at least given some credence to having that whole storyline. Or have a cliffhanger. Why are they against Cliffhanger? Gopher's not going to be dead. That's fine.

But it's like Imagine that.

Yeah. Twist.

Contract negotiations didn't go well. Like Gopher was murdered.

He banged Julie in episode one and he gets murdered in episode two.

Carl and Marianne are in an elevator together. He tells Marianne that he's a hypocrite. He's known her for such a short time, but he wants to marry her. Everyone wants to get married on this thing.

Well, it is a marry. It is a marrow. I mean, if they're ever gonna have it, this is one. Yeah, it's just ridiculous.

He asks if he's moving too fast. Marianne says no.

I mean, is Marianne gonna move to Europe?

I Well, don't they wear the wedding ring on a different hand in Europe too? Isn't it on the right hand? It's just the other way, yeah. Everything's backwards, toilets go back, you you you pull the toilet to make it flush, they're pushing it. I don't know. It's crazy. Carrie and Ted are waiting for the elevator. They comment on not seeing either of their parents. Door opens, and Ted and Mary, or I'm sorry, Carl and Mary Ann are smooching.

I didn't know we were gonna hear about Teddy Roosevelt today, but there it is. Who saw that?

I was like, are we gonna hear are you gonna talk about the Rough Riders? Or what are we doing?

You know it's you know it's funny because they they say it was on October 18th, 1903. So if you remember, yeah, two weeks ago what would have been October 18th. So I wonder if they were aiming for that, and then when the strike delayed it, they just pushed it. So that's funny. I didn't know. Was this gonna be a Panama canal spectacular?

We cut to a shirtless gopher claiming his innocence to three officers searching his clothing. He asked if anyone speaks English. A lady walks up and says she speaks English. Gopher's trying to say I didn't come here to buy illegal drugs. I came to buy medical supply drugs. The woman says again, I speak English, but apparently she doesn't. He asked for a wake-up call on his 80th birthday. We go to our second commercial break of part two.

I mean, Julie's setting you straight on romance is also like bad. Bad.

Carl and Marianne on deck. Carl says he can't reason with Ted. Marianne says if they hadn't come along and fell in love, none of this would have happened. Carl says if they broke it up, it might be enough to get them back together. Typical European ploy to get people to trick people to get back together. European style. Sheila and Vicky. Vicky says she forgot her camera. She'll be right back. Apparently, she left her camera where she left the rest of her shirt. Good lord. Jesus, Vicky.

She hemmed it too.

She's too much of a hemmer. Like, good lord. You're the worst hammer. Unbelievable. That's why Lawrence.

This is why Princess Leia was always getting into mix them ups.

That's why Lawrence needs 50 grand because she ruined all of his clothes. You know what I mean? He's got half shirts. Everything's a freaking half shirt. Here comes Lawrence, tells Sheila that he wants her back. Surprise, surprise. Sheila, you're a lot better at fixing contests than you are at fixing marriages. Ooh. Ouch. Sing. He asked if they can talk. She said the words 10 years of her life. He says he loves her and always will. Okay. She walks away.

So so what is so Vicky sees this and they highlight it, right? And then eventually she goes back until what was the thing? She knew they were married. Was it because he was still in love with her that he thought that was like Meryl was gonna lose? Did she know Meryl was gonna lose that face off and she was that's why she was protecting him?

Maybe, maybe. Wow, and Meryl was gonna lose that face off.

Of course he was, but it's like is Vicky that on top of it? Like, is Vicky gonna be the penny to his Inspector Gadget, but with love?

Oh boy, you're that's a hell of a picture you just painted. Pretty good for hour 12 of this episode. It's not bad. I'm surprised. We need a hydration break like they have in the World Cup. Good lord. Oh boy, Marv's back. Here comes Emily. She asks if this rail is taken. Again, this is not a load-bearing rail here. It's not bolted, I'll tell you that. No, no. Remember that? What was that building in Philly with that big railing that got stolen because it was made of brass? Remember that thing?

That's right. You try not getting married. Poor Julie.

So are they now contestants?

Well, I guess so. I guess maybe it's not that they're contestants, but since Stubing's just doing a group wedding, you can just basically jump in there.

I mean stand in there.

Like I don't know. What about blood tests? Blood tests always seem to be a big thing. So I would think. Here's Brian. I mean, I would definitely want blood test if I was with Brian.

So I don't trust Myrna less than I trust Brian, you know?

Anyone who's laid down in the bluebird cafe or whatever.

Yeah, it's shady. Bluebeard. Yeah, Bluebeard, yeah. It's thank you. It's not good. Wants to talk to Emily about the incident with Myrna. Emily says it's all straightened out and she's getting married to Marv. It's all wrapped up. He says, him and laughs. Don't make Marv mad. Brian asks if this is a joke. Marv said, here's the punchline. That's so funny. He likes. I mean he open-handed. He started good.

He just Well, I mean, Brian no sold that, like I mean, he doesn't even flinch and he's that. Give me something. Like he took it like him off the boat.

You know what I mean? He should have killed him. Something. I mean, Stubing knows how to take a punch. He should have he can do it. He's a complete 360. Yeah, it was not.

He sold it. He sold it like a lady slap.

He's not a worker. That's what we know. Brian is not a worker. Definitely a no-seller, which makes sense.

That tracks. That tracks Brian Observer.

Yeah, he's just uh we're still in the Panama Canal.

We're gonna die in the Panama Canal.

The whole four fourth season is from the Panama Canal. Every episode's still in the canal. Even still in the canal. Vicki walks up to Stubing, wants to talk about Sheila. Stubing says she's the kind of person we should see more of. Vicky wants him to be happy by finding the right wife for him. Boy, they really jammed this thing in here.

Yeah.

Stubing again. Just like everything was too fast in a two two-hour episode. It shouldn't be that fast. It was just it was too much awful. Yeah.

Steve Stubing says, beneath those blue 13-year-old eyes, there's a wide 200-year-old lady. Is there though?

I mean, if there was, he'd probably he'd probably be attracted to her.

We go to our third commercial break.

Oh my god, there's still two acts. Oh my god.

We've arrived in Panama City. Julie walks up to Carrie, delivers a message from Carrie's mom. Basically, they were to blame for what happened. She hopes that she and Ted have a beautiful wedding. Carrie asks where she is. Julie says they just walked off the boat and they're flying home alone. Isaac finds Ted, tells Ted that his father told him to definitely get back together with Carrie and get married because he's all for it.

Like two seconds later. Like you couldn't have dragged this scene out.

Like uh Well, it's a very European thing to do. Carl apologizes for being so sneaky. Carl says, You invite us to your wedding, and I'll invite us to you. You invite you to ours. Oh, Jesus. Mary's standing at the rail, Tom McMahon's coming. He apologizes. He says, My conscious loves you and always has. He asked her to marry him tomorrow. Mary tries to say yes, but no sound is coming out. He said the mouth, oh, what the hell?

So many days. Like it is tomorrow. You're right. Like maybe it is 18 days.

It's sunset, Stubing's telling Julia Isaac and Doc, everything's being done. Says that since it's an international matter, there's tons of red tape. So what does he know at this point? He's not like Gopher's been arrested for trying to buy drugs. Is that a thing? Anyway.

No, just red tape. Red the red tape is I've been chasing this married woman all week. Oh god. And I actually forgot to call about Gopher. So I will be calling soon. That's why I have this red tape on my finger to remind me.

Yeah, uh, what's the string on your finger for? It's to remind me that I have red tape on my other finger. Okay. Stubing says Stubing asked the crew to hide their personal feelings from the passengers because we can't allow our problems to become theirs.

Especially the newlyweds. Yeah, I'm not. Gopher's dead. Adam Bricker's got blood on his hands.

He just feels guilty, just stares off into the sunset now. Poor guy.

Definitely a guy I want attending to the health and well-being of my passengers, too. God.

It's dinner time on the boat. Sheila and Vicky are walking into a ballroom. Stubing the judges, Doc, Julie, and Lawrence are all sitting at a long table. All the Maridathon contestants are there, including that son of a bitch, Ed White. Julie tells the crowd it's time to announce the winners, but first she asks Stubing to stand up and give a soliloquy. Good lord. In the past, ship captains perform weddings, but not anymore.

I'm glad you wrote it down.

By special exception, exception, Stubing will be performing the ceremony tomorrow, and everyone's clapping, like it's a good idea.

Everyone was so disappointed when he said they don't do it anymore.

They're all like, oh why are you typing this talk now?

Who cares? Who cares? If I really cared about who was marrying me, I wouldn't be getting married in something that ends in a thon.

And everybody clapped for this. Then he says, uh he asked that the crew join him on an ancient sailor's toast. May your joys be as deep as the ocean. May your sorrows be as light as its foam. May the sunlight of love brighten your lives and into your homes. Can I just say something like that? That's a shitty cheers. That is not an ancient sailor's toast. Like that is not the ancient sailors didn't care about the light in your homes or the love brightening your lives. This is the dumbest quote.

But some of you are more winners in the real word sense of it.

Right. It winners. Speaking of winners, the winner is Ed. And he says, I'm sorry. I read that wrong. The winners are Mr. and Mrs. Ted Lawrence. Sheila's stunned. Ed White's stunned. Ted's stunned. Carrie's stunned. Everyone's stunned. Lawrence leaves. Sheila follows him. Sheila. So that's enough for Sheila to fix his wedding? Like, because you you didn't pull a scumbag move and kiss them up.

They're still very broke. I'm pretty sure there are contracts to theyar and reach. And they don't have a TV show either.

So they smooch. Now we're in Alcapulco. It's wedding day. They all line up. Isaac, still no word on Gopher. But again, how'd they know it's an international incident? There's no word. I'm gonna leave it. I'm gonna leave it. Don't get me started. The crew all offer to leave the ship to go to Curacao to look for Gopher. Vicky didn't offer to go anywhere, by the way. And Stubing said no. Send my 13-year-old daughter to Curacao to get a guy out of jail for trying to buy drugs. Yeah.

So he says we have responsibility to the crew or the to the passengers. Doc, I understand, even Julie to a level I understand. Send Isaac. Isaac could go. We can somebody else could make drinks. I mean, that is like again. How does he care? No, he doesn't care.

So they're getting married on the ship. Here comes the bride, this and the line, greeted by the grooms. And I went, you know it's fancy if they laid out Astroturf on the deck of the ship. Uh not field turf, AstroTurf kids. It was just old school paint.

That's right. They were three brides with torn ACLs.

Because the seams, you know what I mean? They had to cancel the preseason game on the ship. Stuben gives them a lecture on love and asks them to join hands and repeat the vows after him. They smooch. Seeing the smooching, Lawrence kisses Sheila. All of the brides throw their bouquets in the air.

We go to We get like a freeze, we get like a freeze frame at the end, right?

Like, yeah. Yeah, we go to our fourth commercial break. All right. All right. Home stretch, sir. We arrive in Los Angeles. Thank God. Julie's saying goodbye to Carl, Mary, and Carrie and Ted. Isaac says goodbye to Tom and Mary. Tells them that they're his favorite couple. Julie sees Marv and Emily. Here's a weird one. Marv tells her to wait and see her wedding present. It's a tandem bike, Mike. Where the hell did he get a tandem bike? Julie, Julie getting pulled some strings.

I'm not right there. I'm not I'm not coming back until I found him. And then here's the here's the last bad part of this thing. Yeah. He says this, he is going full bricker. Julie's like, well, let us know what happened. And Isaac's like, you can even call Collect. Like, don't be flipped, man. Your friend is likely dead.

Yeah. What do you mean to call you and tell you?

Why are you not going?

What are you doing? We're done. We just got back to LA. What is a cruise leaving in an hour? How much time do you get off between? You just were on a cruise for 45 nights. Wow. Stubing tells Lawrence that he has to hand it to him. 50 brides and grooms. Sheila gives Vicky a smooch. Tells Stubing that she'll never forget him. Stop it. Stop it. Just stupid fire.

You'll for you'll forget him as soon as you walk past him. Who?

She doesn't even know his first name.

Captain Norton?

Yeah. Stubing tells her to take care of herself. And if things don't work out, stop it.

Yeah, why don't you tell her that you'll be friends first, last, and forever? Just so you try that one.

The lights of our homes and ancients, shut up. Doc's walking towards the taxi stand. Limo pulls up and Gopher steps out, still in uniform. Still in bright white uniform, by the way. Tells Doctor.

They clean it for you. The Curacao prison has an elite drying system. That's there.

They're known for that. Doc says he was rotting away. He tells Doc that he was rotting away in a Curacao jail because of him. And then Gopher strikes Doc with a shiv. But he met the daughter of a South American diplomat, so he's able to leave. The one that said she could speak English but didn't. Doc asked why he didn't call to say he was okay. Gopher said, I got you some Curacao drugs. Take two of these and call me in the morning and hands Doc a bunch of bananas.

Oh, which are the Dennis Cole bananas from last week?

Yeah, I wonder what he hid in those bananas. Gopher's greeted by the two judges, they both give him a hug. Gopher opens the limo door, asks the judges to get in, explains that they're just friends to the diplomat's daughter.

So Gopher's gonna have a force them.

Oh, it's it's just gonna be just craziness. Doc wants to come along. Gopher says we're still pals, but leaves without gopher. The crew sees this and everyone Yeah.

What is that?

Everything is like that's it. Nothing. Totals in a recap. Last week was our best and worst episode, obviously, because it was our first one. I I really hated this episode.

I gotta say, I think last episode was better than this episode.

Oh my god.

By miles. It was the worst part. Is it the worst two parter we've ever watched?

That first it's so the marooned one is the one we always think as the worst, right? Because it had like basically an hour that wasn't a lowboat episode. Right. But the other things in there weren't bad. It wasn't as bad as this. This is and again, just a complete waste of so many good people doing as much as they could with the BS they were handed. I I it's a wild episode.

Couple weeks. Well, see what they did with the 90 minute one, too. So right.

Bad start to our we have seven million hours of Club Boat in the next month. So this is not a good start. Captain of the week.

It's gotta be Ted Knight, man. It's I mean, I don't know who else to give it to. He was definitely a shining star, and you know, I don't know who else to give it to. I really don't know.

Yeah, I I think I you could also say Rue McClanahan in there. I think I wouldn't be shocked if those guys end up with like a best duo consideration. I could see that. But I also feel like that is a we had a scenario like this last year where it's like the episode was so bad that you're just kind of grabbing. You don't even want it's not even funny, it's so bad, you know. Like Yeah. I, for the second week in a row, am going with Julie McCoy. For Captain of the Week?

She's a good steering mechanism, exactly.

She is basically a good second lead if they let her be.

100%.

The problems were last year they were just kind of sticking her in those eyes at gopher spots.

Yeah, made her so sad, too. Like we gotta build her back.

Yeah, that's the thing, too. She's been fun, normal. She was good. Yeah, she was good. So this could be worse of the week.

So walk the plank. That whole judge's storyline, man. I I don't know if I walk the plank this week. But if I mean that storyline was just a waste of two guest stars, it just was dumb. It just undercut the character, you know. It just I just thought it was a waste of time. Yeah, but you didn't need that story. You didn't need a fifth story that went nowhere.

Yeah, I agree with you. I am going to I'm just gonna say the writers or the writing. And that's kind of what I'm saying, too. Yeah, and I'm gonna say for everything. I'm gonna say for everything. Because like I said, ultimately the acting was fine. It was good. They were all good people, nobody was bad. You can are handed, like you're saying, if it's just garb.

Plugs, Hit and Season Patreon, absolutely hammered. Whether you're cheering from the stands or tuning in from home, this is the podcast you need. Grab your bat, your cap, and your Philly's pride, crack open a beer, enjoy weekly's Philly, a weekly Phillies Happy Hour with Chris Jones, Justin Clue, and her very own Mike Robertson. Check out Absolutely Hammered on the Hitting Season Patreon. You can find us anywhere and everywhere you find your audio podcast.

I mean if you made it this if you made it this far into the episode, you should leave us a comment. You might as well. Just yeah. The comment can be this is too long an episode. So Yeah.

No email today, thankfully. It's the only time I I I hoped we didn't have an email. Uh, I did look ahead, Mike. Next episode. Hank Vosnik is back, sort of. And we have a potential international incident when Julie shares her relationship tips with the Japanese. That's real.

Oh no. Oh no.

Yeah.

Alright. Will Julie get three captains of the week in a row? We will see.

We'll see. Well, Mike, we did it.

We sure did.

We sure did. Alright. Well. Oh boy. Until next time. Boy, oh boy. I I feel like just the wind has been knocked out of me with this episode. But we will see you next time, hopefully, for a much better episode and shorter episode. Thanks for joining, and we'll see you soon.