Lies Are Killing You, Donald

This week, Rick's Elephant in the Room is -- is Trump dying? From his bruised hands to his swollen cankles, Donald Trump is taking on water like a pregnant woman with pre-eclampsia. As of yesterday, Trump was diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency (or as we joked internally, "venus deficiency" or "a lack of love from the ladies" -- which totally tracks). According to a quick Google search, Trump's veins are having a problem circulating the blood back to his heart (probably because it's ten sizes too small). It's highly possible that, with this condition, Trump has grotesque leg sores -- almost like he's rotting from the inside out. The treatment? Losing weight, getting wound care for his rotting leg meat, and wearing compression stockings. The epic karma of a man who's harassed women his entire life, forced to sport a full set of compression hose at the height of the most prominent public-facing role, is not lost on us. Enjoy your Spanx, Donnie. Surely, Melania will still find you sexy?

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