Fostering a Compassionate Church for Single Parents

Maybe there's some way that I can provide that masculine perspective in in the child's life that is missing . Maybe there's some way that I can provide the , the feminine aspect , you's life that is missing .

Maybe there's some way that I can provide the feminine aspect you know that's missing there and do it in a way that's supportive of the single parent and not in any way , you know , in competition to or judgmental of them .

On the podcast directly , we've probably talked about specific instances related to some of the life and family issues that we've come across , but today we really wanted to talk about this topic .

We're definitely in a society where we're seeing more and more single parents and , as Christians know that , while it's not God's design because of our sinful world and just the way things happen in life , that it is a reality . It's a reality for a lot of people . Anything else to kind of start us off at all with this topic of single parenting .

But , as with so many things , we shouldn't let the fact that there is an ideal distract us from the reality that not everything is a situation is according to the ideal , and sometimes the departure from the ideal is because of sin , and a lot of times it's not .

And even if it is as a result of sin , that doesn't mean that the Christian is absolved from showing love , offering care and concern and support in the ways that we are able offering care and concern and support in the ways that we are able .

But there are really actually a lot more ways that someone ends up single parenting than just those . Not so common today , but it's what would have been probably the most common in the not too distant past was being widowed . Whether it's the mother dying or the father dying ended up in single parenting situation , and that does still happen today .

There is divorce regardless of who is the innocent and who is the guilty party . There you end up with one parent either having sole custody or primary custody . But even if you've got shared custody , they're not parenting together , and so you've got two single parents of the same kids .

And then there's situations just of abandonment , where a father or mother simply says , no , I'm not going to stay , and they leave . I'm not going to stay and they leave . The more sin-related one , or clearly sin-related one , is sex without commitment . We're just going to have our fun , we're going to do this and , oops , a child resulted from this .

But since there's no commitment , there's no coming together as parents to raise the child or children together . Sometimes today you will have women who simply decide that they're going to have a child on their own .

It's a deliberate choice on their part , say I don't need a man , or I'm tired of waiting for the right man , and so they just make their arrangements for that . Adoption can be a way that someone ends up being a single parent . There's the selfless kind where , you know , say my sister and her husband just died and orphaned the kids .

I'm going to step in and I'm going to raise them . You know , that's a selfless kind . There's also a more self-serving kind . It's like well , well , you know , I've always wanted to have a kid . I think my life will only be fulfilled if I have a kid , and since it's not working the normal way , I'm just going to adopt Somebody .

Getting sent a parent , getting sent to prison , will leave the other parent as a single parent and more temporary usually would be something like military service , where one parent is deployed and for a length of time , and that results in single parenting for a time .

Because you do have sometimes a marriage , a married couple , in which one or the other seems to have taken on the role of parenting and the other one doesn't , for whatever reason . So you have another hybrid of single parenting . But where we begin to bring this into focus is as an agency .

Christian Life Resources started New Beginnings , a home for mothers back in 1993 , and it's a home for single mothers and occasionally throughout the last 30 some odd years we've gotten requests from single fathers Do you have a place for people like me ? And there are single fathers who raise the children and as a primary caregiver in our own home .

Now , in my role , I think I , for the first time in my life , I've grasped the challenges of single parenting like I've never imagined them . I mean it's incredible . I just remember as a kid watching my mother finally having to put her foot down and just say okay , everybody , just stay right there , I have to go to the bathroom .

I mean , I find myself in that predicament . It's like I have to go to the bathroom but I can't . I get the meal already and everything , and all of a sudden I realize I haven't eaten yet . So there's a lot of burden that comes with single parenting .

And so when Jeff was describing the single parent as the person who thinks , well , I just decide I want children . Just remember there's a lot of wisdom in having a helper to raise a family . It's a very practical issue . In having a helper to raise a family , it's a very practical issue .

And I think modeling a relationship is an important component of it , so that the children see love modeled , they see consideration modeled , and so forth . I think those are important things . So single parenting is not the ideal , but I do think the Christian community can step forward and make it as best as it could possibly be .

If we're really overly concerned about finding out , well , what happened here , that can be interpreted as being judgmental , and it may very well be that that's what's motivating it .

It's going to interfere with attempts to simply offer the gifts that we have , whether it's the gospel or other kinds of support , and , of course , it makes a bad impression with other people who might see what's going on .

Where it might make a difference would be in specific cases when you individually , or a ministry of the church or something , is deeply engaged with helping that family . Is the dad coming back ? Is child support something that is possible ? What are the emotional and psychological issues that need to be addressed ?

Did the kids , were they witness to the split or whatever ? Those are the cases where , when you're engaged , okay , these are things you need to know in order to help them , but as a general rule , just let it be their business and focus on loving the family you know the parent and the kids and doing what you can for them .

One of the things that I've learned just by doing what we do here , one of the things I've learned is that basically , get out of the way Because , like Jeff said , you sometimes can come off judgmental . You become a barrier to what you're trying to accomplish .

My goal , whether we're talking New Beginnings , whether I'm dealing with it in a family , whether I'm dealing with it in friends , my goal is to somehow tether them to the Word of God and I want them at some point to feel that they can come to me as they begin to sort out what's going on .

So imagine this that you're taking care of a single mother and her child and she realizes at some point through devotions , through study of God's Word , study of God's Word , going to church and so forth , that I'm the one at fault , I'm the one who destroyed this relationship .

Be the ear she can talk to , not the judge who condemns her , because let the judging be in God's category . You have to have a judging common sense about you . I mean , you have to recognize through judging that some things are right and some things are wrong , but leave the condemning to God , and he did that in Christ .

In other words , be the voice of forgiveness for them , and you can't do that if you've already played judge and jury .

Now I need to make it smaller because it was too much . But I'm learning , you know .

I know , krista , when you've talked about going for walks in the park and stuff like that . You've got like parent groups that get together . There's just something nice about having other people to talk to on occasion Not that you're desperate , quite , honestly , I can also survive without all of that .

But at the same time , once in a while when it's a good friend , you know , just having somebody chit-chat and it wasn't all on , how are you getting along and how are you doing . It was chit-chat about the conference , it was chit-chat about the work of the church and the congregation . So I think that that's valuable too .

But I think the church as a congregation too have to recognize because the single parents I've worked with that have left New Beginnings and are still out on their own . It's still tough . Just yesterday a study was released that in the state of Wisconsin to live comfortably . The figure is $84,000 a year . Family income $84,000 .

Now , that's pretty comfortable , I think . But out of that you got to pay your insurance and all that kind of stuff . All right , if you look at the kind of jobs a lot of single mothers can get , or single parents can get , scooping in that much is going to be a challenge .

There was a time when we started New Beginnings we said , well , we want to be able to help them get into a job that'll earn them $40,000 a year . And then it was $40,000 a year plus insurance . Well , now we've had to raise that . It's up around $50,000 , $55,000 . There's just not a lot of money .

So once in a while you take the son out with you to a baseball game , you have the daughter come over and you make cookies . There are things you can do , a lot of things you can do , but just remember everybody's different . What was important for you isn't going to be important for them . Vice versa .

And further limitation is on your time , Because again there's only one , whether it's that I need to go to the bathroom now I can't take care of the kids , or whether it's just I work in eight hours and with getting there and back at the end of that makes it more nine or ten .

And then there's getting the kids to this and picking them up from that and shopping and cleaning and all this . They don't have much time and that's less time that they have to invest in the kids .

And it even contributes to the loneliness that single parents feel because they don't have time for friendships , they don't have time for just sitting down and chatting with somebody , particularly when the kids are small and not yet in school .

There's the pressures of finding childcare , you have to drop the kids off and you have to pick the kids up , and all that and all of this of course leads to exhaustion . It leads to stress . This is going to be life difficult for the single parent . Whether they are single parenting by choice or by circumstance , they're going to feel the stress .

But another one , too , is just this idea that , just like how helpful it is to have another person in a he's crying , and it is just like tearing me inside to pieces and I'm just like , all right , we , you know , it's been two minutes , we got to go get him and my husband's like , no , you know , just let him . Just let him cry it out , it's OK .

Well , how do you know ? It's OK , you know . And then , well , you know , we can see the monitor . And well , you know , we can see the monitor . And well , you know , we can't see his whole face in the monitor .

I mean , he might not be okay , and you know , and just , and it was , I just remember thinking like at that moment , like , wow , you know , it is really nice to be able to talk to somebody else during this time , to be able to go through this with somebody else , to have somebody else like help , kind of calm me down , and stuff too .

And and as a parent unit , a mother and a father , you don't necessarily make all the right decisions for your kids together .

But I think , you know , you do , you , you do kind of realize , okay , like we're in this together and we're going to do the best we can together , just that idea of like having this unit has just really been something that I've just been thinking a lot about too .

The statement always seemed so harsh . It was like well , they're hungry , they're widows , they have nobody and everything . But then what they did is they assigned strongly spiritual people , and one of which was Stephen , the first Christian martyr , and Krista .

When you were talking about having , you and your husband were able to talk about things and so forth with the kids . I think it's important the role that the church can play in supporting single parents is to also never underestimate your Christian foundation . That does it Because it creates .

It doesn't mean that every encounter is a devotion or a sermonette or something , but it creates a context , a point , a solid point , by which you provide counsel and advice and so forth . I mean the ability to sometimes say to a mother , a single mother , whose child has gotten very sick , is you know , let's just sit it out , we'll just see why ?

Because , as a Christian , you know God's role in it all , and single mothers sometimes haven't had as much contact with Scripture and so they get distressed over it , they get worried , and you're not just another voice to commiserate with them , but you are a Christian voice to commiserate with them and you can bring that perspective .

And I think for those of us in a congregation , like right now at New Beginnings , we're trying to look at bringing in mentors , people who come in with a Christian background to work with mothers and their children , and the idea behind it is that I don't just want a mentor , I want a Christian mentor .

I want someone who's weathered the spiritual battles of taking life one day at a time and not every disaster is as big of a disaster as you think it is .

God has solved the eternal disaster of sin in Jesus and someone who's got that frame of reference so that you can weather the storms and the challenges , so that you can weather the storms and the challenges .

And stepping in Now , I know Kingdom Workers has a foster care program which is primarily , from what I understand , a support network for foster parents , and what's interesting about that is that those have a mother and a father involved typically and they're

serving as foster parents . So even when you've got both components , the program is designed to fortify them , to help carry them through the experience of foster parenting , because it comes with challenges . Parenting because it comes with challenges , the dynamic of a family is so profoundly affected by the disposition of one person .

Now we had five children , five daughters , and if one child is having trouble at school it's a nightmare for the whole family . I mean you become all concerned about it .

So I've appreciated what Kingdom Workers is doing with foster care , because they recognize that even when you've got a mother and a father , they're helping in foster care work , that there still needs to be support . So you've got them .

I think I try to encourage congregations to have what we call a support network so that they reach out not only to the widows or widowers in the church , but look for the single parents , look for the ones that would need the help and whether it's providing the ride and everything , judging from what my children are going through with my grandchildren the moment

your children are old enough to be involved in extracurricular things . Boy , you need your own private Uber service . I mean , it's just running them around . I think in a congregation , a way that you can become an outreach tool , even to your community , is to do something like this to be known as a place where single parents with single parent problems .

You can't just assume that because they know Jesus , because they have kids in the church , school or something like that , that everything's fine and dandy for them . They may just be waiting for someone to say how can we be of service to you , how can we make your life a little better ? How can we show our Christian love for you as brothers and sisters ?

Just as we don't want to be self-righteous in judging the people outside , we don't want to be I can't think of an opposite term for it but we don't want to be judging the people inside our circles as not needing what they obviously do need .

And you know , I was talking to somebody too who had been a single parent and had gone through the Lutheran schools and stuff too , and she felt very , almost kind of like an outcast in some ways too , almost kind of like an outcast in some ways too , and that you know , so many of like the church programs or different things were designed for married couples or

you know that type of thing .

But she said she , you know , kind of pointed out she's like you know , there was , you know , one couple who always came and talked to me at sporting events and always came , you know , and our kids were friends and never made me feel bad about the situation or never made me feel that way when I was around them , and that just really stuck with me too .

Is that , you know ? I mean , yes , you know , like as a church and community we should try to think , you know , as a whole , like how we can reach out to people .

But you personally can be a light to somebody too , and sometimes it is just taking that step to talk to somebody and just make them feel , you know , like kind of part of the group , like , hey , you know , yeah , my kids are misbehaving too , or you know , my kids were doing this too and you can have that shared community and that shared joy with individually ,

with people means , then , that we're going to recognize that a child that's growing up without the father or without the mother is missing something , regardless of who's responsible for what that's .

Maybe there's some way that I can provide that masculine perspective in in the child's life that is missing .

Maybe there's some way that I can provide the , the feminine aspect you know that that that's missing there and do it in a way that's supportive of the single parent and not in any way , you know , in competition to competition to her or or judgmental of that . And just gee , I noticed little Johnny's coming to little league .

But does he have anybody who's who's able to throw the ball around with him after school ? Oh , why don't you have him come over ? And you know we can do that , or I have him join , you know , know , when our kids are doing that . Or I notice little Susie is getting at that age where she's starting to be more concerned about her appearance .

You know , does she have anybody who's really able to tell her how to use makeup ? Would you like me to help with that ? Just , you know little things like that that we recognize that this may be missing in the child's life . Maybe we can provide that .

And again , making that point that you're making , krista , it's like not let's set up a church program for this but , how can we , as other parents or not even parents , non-parents , just in the church reach out and help brothers and sisters who might have needs that they might not recognize or that they're not going to vocalize because well ?

It feels kind of bad to be asking for help with these things .

You know , a lot of times when I go to churches you can find the church that designed the church for themselves . The people are comfortable . They always liked using this hymnal , they always liked sitting in that pew , the pastor to dress in that way , and so everything's like that .

So they're not minded towards a single parent , what they go through the obstacle . For example , I remember once getting into a conversation with a church about padding the pews . Okay , you know like , hey , my grandfather didn't have padded pews , my father didn't have padded pews , we don't need padded pews . It's only one hour and everything .

Until you're wrestling with a little one and they're dropping things on the pew , they're knocking things . Now the flip side could be okay . They're spilling juice , now it's on the pan of the pew and everything . When you figure out how you're going to do all that , just remember your congregation is more than what your grandfather was doing .

Sometimes the congregation is going to be a mother with a little kid with a tippy cup . Sometimes it's going to be a mother with the little Cheerios and everything . And please , please , please , please , don't be one of these who go . My kids never had to do that , so your kids shouldn't have to do that . It doesn't work that way . You're stuck in the past .

They also don't listen to your music . Just keep that in mind .

And I think that having the antenna out to be aware of that , that there are the single parents , there are the widows , there are the orphans , there are these people who represent a greatest disadvantage and they don't need to be , not within the church family , they don't need to be within the church family and , quite honestly , you are the church family .

It is not the pastor , it is not the church council , it is . You are the church family . It is not the pastor , it is not the church council , it is you as the individual . And you got to ask yourself what can I do ? And you ask , you can ask the pastor and you can ask the church council , but what is it I can do ?

So , yeah , that makes me uncomfortable or whatever . And this is just again one of the many , many , many situations where looking to Jesus as your model is a really good idea . How did he treat people ? He looked out for widows and he looked out for orphans .

One of his great miracles was raising the dead boy , who was the only son of a widow , because that was an act of mercy and so forth . And he welcomed sinners . He didn't downplay sin , but he welcomed even the taxpayers and prostitutes , because these were real people who had real needs and he wanted to love them in the best way possible .

And if he did that with the worst of classes of sinners , as people saw it back then , and if he did that with the worst of classes of sinners as people saw it back then , well then , is there anybody that we should feel justified keeping at arm's length ? No , and so we see needs .

We should open our eyes , see the needs of single parent families , whether they're in the community or within the congregation , and we should say how can I love them ? How can we work together to love them ?

So notice them and care for them and support them , give them God's love , give them the gospel , do whatever you can out of love for mothers , fathers and children .

situations . And I mean , yes , we have this ideal mother-father kind of gold standard type of thing , but that doesn't mean that you are any less of a child of God or you are any less blessed . I mean , his blessing sometimes does come through suffering or does come through harder , difficult situations , and that's just you know .

I mean I just don't want anyone feeling bad about that situation too .

It's just that if you are in a single-parent family , whether you're the parent or a child growing up in that , okay , what's the worst-case scenario , which would be that it was some awful , terrible sin and mistake on your fault that resulted in this Okay , repented , that You're forgiven by Christ .

You know Christ's blood washed away that sin , so you don't have to carry the guilt of that anymore , which means now your situation is you are a redeemed child of God , dearly loved and dearly valued . So this is not a knock on you .

You're doing the best you can and God is loving you and supporting you in that situation , whether you're the parent or the child . And if it's not a result of some awful mistake or sin that you're in this situation , god loves you . There's no shame . No shame , there's no guilt . Be the Christian that God has made you to be .

Our goal is to help you through these tough topics and we want you to know we're here to help . You can submit your questions , as well as comments or suggestions for future episodes , at lifechallengesus or email us at podcast at christian life resources dot com .

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