#412 - 6 Common Mistakes When Naming What Matters

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Hello, and welcome to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 412.

Six common mistakes when naming what matters. Naming what matters is the whole foundation of everything we do here. And I think it's also one of the most challenging. On the surface, it might seem... like it shouldn't be you know like just decide what matters most to you and do it like no big deal but there are a number of reasons why that is challenging and a number of mistakes we commonly make

even when thinking about what matters. So today I'm gonna share six common mistakes when naming what matters so that you can... more or less catch yourself when you run into one of those. And hopefully it will help you see what matters with clearer vision. As we get started, I want to tell you a story about my oldest son, Sam.

The other day on the drive to school, he and his friend were talking about a trip they were about to go on, the school trip to New York that I mentioned in last week's episode about what to do before taking a trip. And in that conversation, Sam's friend was... razzing him about something innocuous I don't remember and we were all laughing including Sam but then his friend was like you're never bothered by anything I pick on you about they have a great like

brother sister dynamic. And so it was all in fun, but she's right. Sam is not easily bothered. So as we drove, I affirmed him out loud. And I was like, actually, Sam. That is something I admire so much about you. You are unmoved. No matter what is happening around you, no matter what other people might think about you, you are decidedly unbothered and unmoved by it and you just do the thing for you. And my precious 15 year old.

who is strong-willed and highly passionate, sometimes chaotic, he said, well, why should it matter? If what someone says or does isn't lined up with my priorities, why should I let it change me? Then he proceeded to share that right now his top priorities are to keep his grades up, which he's super focused on right now, getting better at all things musical, like he's currently literally right now in the house because there's no school today.

arranging a piano saxophone sonata into a concerto for his wind ensemble to be able to play so he's arranging right now and his third goal is he's trying to be positive and have fun about this trip to New York that he has already taken, but at the time he wasn't jazzed about. He listed those three things and then he said, right now that's all I care about. The rest of it doesn't matter or it can wait. Now listen.

I'm the lazy genius. I'm deeply familiar with the importance of naming what matters most to you in the season that you are in. Like I know how important that is, but I also know how hard it is. And I was listening to Sam like slack-jawed because he was so definitive about it. This is how he thinks and how he actually lives. There is literally no other way that it should go in his mind.

When he cares about something deeply, he literally lets everything else go, including what other people might think about his obsession or passion or whatever it is he's focused on. He is unapologetic. in what matters to him. And he is clear on what needs to get the boot right now. It is wild to observe because most of us find this choice deeply challenging. And frankly, it is. It is.

challenging. It's challenging to name what matters. It's challenging to follow through on keeping that thing as a priority. And it's challenging dealing with the residue of what that choice might mean. And yet when we decide that the choice is worth it, that the priority matters enough to be our compass in this current season, everything really does become a lot simpler, at least in regards to how we spend.

and make decisions about our time. So with Sam as our inspiration today, let's name six common mistakes that we all might make when trying to name what matters. First.

You're still trying to be great. This is the biggest one. Honestly, you could listen to this one and not the other five and it would change your life. So in my most recent book, The Plan, I talk about this a lot. So if this... point resonates with you as I continue and you want to kind of deep dive this, you should get that book. But here's the gist. We live in a culture that prizes greatness and optimization and leveling up and 10x in your life and making the most out of every opportunity.

Everything is about maximizing who you are and what you do in order to make you and your life even better. But better by what measurement? And better at what cost? You have been told... implicitly and explicitly, that greatness is the goal. Being the best employee or boss or mother or friend or partner or daughter or neighbor or community activist or PTA mom or homemaker or cook or artist or person.

is the ultimate goal. That's all you're living for. You're trying to make each day ideal, make it the best, build each day on itself to lead you to this ideal, this best future person. Basically, you're trying to optimize who you are for your own gain. This is the air we breathe. This is the water we swim in. Everything has to be the best it can be.

Even the efficiency of the carpool line or the Costco line or the post office line or the traffic line. We swim in the water of get there faster, be better, make it all count. And it is absolutely exhausting. Greatness does not leave any room for contentment or just valuing being a person right where you are. Greatness offers no permission to be mediocre.

Greatness sees a day full of failures and missteps or repetition and the ordinary as a waste. Greatness doesn't really consider other people. Greatness is a really mean boss. And greatness makes it super hard to name what matters. You cannot truly name what matters until greatness no longer does. Now, I'm not saying you can't try. You can't have goals.

You can't want to be excellent at the things that do matter to you. Excellence and commitment and dedication and becoming better at something that you love or care about, that is actually what makes this world work. Care and excellence and beauty. Offer goodness to your world. They do, whether it's in your home or your office, your community, beyond those things. That is not what I mean here. I am talking about your primary fuel being greatness at all. As long as you think that you should...

be great at every role you hold, you will never be able to name what matters because everything has to. If greatness ultimately matters, whether you knew it did in your head or not. Everything else has to matter too. If greatness matters, everything does. Now, I hope that as you're listening, that you feel your shoulders kind of drop in relief.

Because you don't have to be great at everything. In fact, the pressure that you feel to be great is keeping you from naming what really matters to you. You don't have the margin or the permission to let things go, to be mediocre. to be lazy. You're so tied up in either trying to be great at everything or feeling the guilt that you never will be. And neither path is sustainable or kind.

So let go of greatness. Instead, be content. Prioritize your own integration, your own wholeness, no matter your circumstances. You can care about greatness in particular categories that genuinely matter to you. But you cannot care about greatness in all things. This is why you can't actually name what matters. So that's our first common mistake. You're still trying to be great.

I honestly wanted to stop the episode right here and just be done. Like this is enough. But there are five more. So we'll roll through those a little quicker. This episode is sponsored by Grooms. The holidays are basically a marathon of sugar, travel, and trying to remember what day it is, and it's easy to feel totally off balance. That's why I'm so glad Groom's exists.

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The second common mistake in naming what matters, you ignore your season. If this is your first episode with me, I talk a lot about your season of life. The particulars of your particular season, they are integral. Integral to what matters while you are in that season. So a classic example that I've used often is if you have kids in after school sports or some sort of extracurricular and you are unkind to yourself or to them.

about the fact that your family can't seem to have dinner together anymore, that's trying to force a priority from an old season into a new one. It's unrealistic to have regular family dinner when people get home at all different times. So your season, it determines a new priority. So if you're struggling to name what matters.

Pay attention if you're trying to fit something that was true in an old season into a new one where it just doesn't work the same. You know, a classic square peg round hole situation. All right, so that's the second.

mistake. You ignore your season. The third common mistake. You ignore the moment. Just like you can ignore a broader season of life, you can absolutely ignore what matters most right in this moment. If you're all caught up in big picture thinking, especially in greatness and optimization, you will have a much harder time.

Paying attention to exactly where you are and where you are matters. Where you are has a lot to say. Let's go back to my son, Sam. So right now, what matters is keeping his grades up. spending time getting better at music and this New York trip, okay? Now you might be asking, as I do as well, like where do chores and, you know, like being with your family fit into this? I get that he wants to prioritize the things that matter the most to him.

And as he gets older, I want him to feel empowered to do that. But he also still has to take the trash out or stay at the dinner table a little longer with his family, even though he wants to spend time on something that is more important to him. Do you know what I tell him and what I tell myself and what I will tell you right now? Almost always, the thing that matters in the moment that can feel in the way of our broader priorities is connection.

It's relationships. It's contributing to the family or the unit or the community that you're part of. If you're late getting started on a project that matters to you at work or, you know, a home project or something, you're going to have tunnel vision. And you're not going to notice the kid who wants to snuggle. If it matters to you to keep things tidy in your house because your schedule currently feels chaotic and physical environmental peace really matters to you.

which is great. That's fine. When somebody starts enjoying themselves and making a mess in the process, you might get huffy. If my kid immediately goes to his computer to write music, but doesn't take out the trash. It's not honoring the harmony and flow of our home, right? When the trash is full, it's hard to get the kitchen ready for the next meal. So there is an element of we got to pay attention to right where we are.

Sometimes we're confronted with a moment where what matters right then is a person. And that person needs to take precedence over what usually matters. I think that's really important. Being present with our people, it almost always matters more than anything else. And then also contributing to the goodness of the group. Sometimes that matters more than our individual need at the time.

So the first three mistakes when naming what matters, you're still trying to be great. You ignore your season. You ignore the moment. And number four, you ignore the unit. And by unit, I mean who you live with or do a lot of life with.

And I kind of touched on this already, but let's get more specific. So for many of you, it might be a partner, maybe some kids, could be a roommate. You could totally even apply this to a team at work. When naming what matters, it is really easy. To get super focused about what we want personally and ignore the unit. But instead, what is good for the whole, right? It doesn't necessarily mean that you abandon what matters to you.

But a lot of us, and my hand is raised, holy moly, can just like steamroll the unit because I think I know what's best. Or I make assumptions about the unit and what they think matters that simply are not true. I shared this example last week in the episode about taking a trip, where it's important to ask your family or whoever you're traveling with, what matters to them?

You can't unilaterally decide what matters about something that impacts the entire unit without acknowledging and even inviting them into naming what that is. By including all the people involved, you can more comprehensively and effectively name what matters in such a way that helps everyone feel seen and supported. So you can't ignore the unit either.

Okay, mistake number five, you ignore yourself. Now some of you heard number four and you're like, that definitely is not me. I'm always thinking about the unit. But a common mistake in naming what matters to you is leaving yourself out of the picture entirely. You're allowed to have wants and desires and needs. even things that might occasionally be inconvenient to someone else.

bothering someone, inconveniencing someone, feeling guilty about choosing ourselves. Those are huge hindrances to accurately and honestly naming what matters. As long as you ignore yourself, you will feel unfulfilled. If that idea resonates with you and you're like, oh, that's me. I highly recommend that you go listen to episode 406. It was basically like a pep talk about how you're not as selfish as you think you are and how naming things that matters to you is not an act.

of selfishness. It's actually a kindness to everyone. Okay. And last one, mistake number six, when naming what matters, you don't let yourself try. Maybe you don't let yourself try because you don't want to fail.

You know, you name something that matters in your head but you're like, well, I don't really know. Maybe you don't let yourself try because you don't want to be disappointed if something doesn't pan out. Maybe you don't let yourself try because it feels too big and overwhelming. To suddenly have like all these priorities and then live like they're true. Maybe you don't let yourself try because you think you have to have everything figured out before you try one thing.

Honestly, all of these speak to that most common mistake. Number one, you're still trying to be great. When you don't let yourself try, when you don't let yourself say, you know, I think this is the thing that matters most right now. And I'm going to relax my grip on the rest of it. If you don't let yourself say that and give it a try, then you keep a tight grip on everything. You keep trying to be great.

And try to get it all done. And make everything matter for fear of getting it wrong. And what is it anyway? Like life? You worried about getting life wrong? That's not a thing. Life is full of getting it wrong, no matter how prepared or thoughtful you are. In fact, in my own life, the more prepared I am, the more rigid I am. In my expectations, the more ruthless intention that I bring to something without any ease or noticing or adjusting. I make more mistakes even.

I'm not an athlete, but isn't it true that like if your muscles are tight, it's hard to move and do the things you're actually wanting to do? Like relaxation and ease, they make you better. Isn't that true? Kind of. Let's pretend like it is. The same is true with prioritization, with naming what matters. You got to let yourself try. You got to let yourself prioritize something. Notice.

You know, if it's not actually serving you or your unit anymore, and then just make an adjustment, right? You got to be easy with it. Don't start all the way over. Don't be hard on yourself because you gave something a shot and it didn't work the way you thought. Just adjust. Okay, so to recap, you might feel challenged when you're trying to name what matters. And that is likely due to one of six common mistakes. You're still trying to be great.

You ignore your season. You ignore the moment. You ignore the unit. You ignore yourself. And you don't let yourself try. If you can notice when those mistakes and mindsets are creeping in, I think you'll find it much easier to name what matters to you right now. Name what matters to you today, this week, and this season.

And those are the six common mistakes when naming what matters. So all three of my books talk about naming what matters. But if you are new to this space and you're wondering which one to start with, you're like, holy moly, I really need help with this. Here's what I think you should do. So if you are, if you are brand new to this space, if you're brand new to thinking this way.

If this episode was less of a reminder and more of like a mic drop and you're like, what? Mind blown! Because you've been trying so hard for so long. I would encourage you to pick up The Lazy Genius Way. It's my first book. It's all about naming what matters. And then the 13 Lazy... genius principles that help you do that. Now, if you listen to this episode and that greatness mistake really, you know, put a bee in your bonnet, then I would recommend my most recent book, The Plan.

It's all about this paradigm shift from greatness and optimization to integration and contentment and how you need to change how you manage your time based on this new paradigm. So depending on where you are and what you need, you know, just choose your own adventure. But both of those books are available to you. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the Lazy Genius of the Week. This week, it's Joanna Hanlon. Joanna writes...

When my family eats hamburgers, we never eat all the buns. I tried freezing the leftovers or using them for something else, but ultimately they were just ending up in the trash. I remembered getting a hamburger on an English muffin at a restaurant once and it was delicious. So now I just buy English muffins. And whatever doesn't get used for hamburgers at dinner becomes tomorrow's breakfast. What matters to me is not wasting food. And this has helped us do that.

Okay, here's why I love this. It's not about everyone going out and like suddenly eating burgers on English muffins, although that does sound delicious. It's about shining a light on doing something your own way. When something matters to you, like food waste does to Joanna.

you feel more freedom to make an unconventional choice, right? And in fact, once you do that, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. This is the power of naming what matters. So thank you for sharing, Joanna, and congratulations on being. the Lazy Genius of the Week. This podcast is part of the Odyssey family and the Office Ladies Network. And this episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, an executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey.

Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra and I'll see you next week. I'm Sarah Austin Janess, The Moth's executive producer and longtime host of The Moth Podcast. Every week, we share true stories told live and without notes by real people from all walks of life. Stories about disastrous haircuts may disappear.

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