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Welcome. One and all in here out there all around the world to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, it is late October. Yeah. You know, they call it the spooky season. Soon all the ghastly ghouls will be roaming the streets of New York. Because on Sunday, Donald Trump will hold a rally at Madison Square Garden. Yeah. Just what New Yorkers need. More garbage around Penn State.
It's a little confusing. We knew this was coming, but it's still a little confusing. Because New York is not what you call a swing state. Trump is currently trailing Kamala Harris by 19 points. Or... Trailing by 19 points. Or, as the New York jets say, not bad. Trump lost here big and 2016 and 2020 by 23 points each time. So what the hell is Trump thinking about campaigning in New York? They told me I'm behind in Wisconsin so I'm rallying right now,." Being in Madison, Square Garden, it works.
No, it works. Logically, it works. After that, after that, I'll hit Philadelphia, cream cheese. I know you put the tub in the microwave for 30 seconds, and you can just chug it. I don't think winning or losing has anything to do with this. Aidsay for three-strait presidential campaigns, Trump has mused about holding a rally at Madison Square Garden adding, he has just been obsessed with this. Maybe he just wants to take over for Billy Joel.
Rosenberg, H. Bombshugger Ray, Bingbing Bong, Person Woman Man, Camera, Jota, Maggio. It's just, Person Woman. It's just, it's just a coincidence. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. But in 1939, they held a pro-Nazi rally there. Yeah. It was a stain on MSG's history, and I imagine a very uncomfortable court side seat for Spike Lee. The big news continues to be the Trump's former chief of staff, John Kelly, said that Trump is a fascist who loves Hitler.
Well, at least he's not a fascist who loves Hitler. What's that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm being told that's exactly what I just read out loud, but my brain refused to receive the sounds my mouth was making. Got it. OK. That's it. Well, that's fascinating. So in 11 days, we all get to find out finally whether we live in a fascist country. I'm not saying that's a good feeling, but definitely the feeling. And if you feel the same way, you're not alone.
Last night, Anderson Cooper asked Kamala Harris point blank what she thought. Do you think Donald Trump is a fascist? Yes, I do. Bam, thank you. Kamala Harris is not afraid. No hesitation. Zero hesitation. She's not afraid to tell the truth. Follow up, do you think Donald Trump has lost his damn mind? Yes, I do. Do you ever have a dream where Donald Trump falls headfirst down a long marble staircase into a hot tub full of porcupines? Yes, I do. Final question.
If you win the presidency, do you commit now to coming back on my show? We are not going back. Wow. Wow. Oh, what about his? That is just rude. Trump's cronies are not doing much to disguise the fascism. Yesterday, he held a rally down in Georgia, where one of the speakers got named Charlie Kirk, riled up the crowd by saying, Democrats, stand for everything God hates. So pork.
But the big pre-Trump headliner was formerly relevant TV, dweeb, Tucker Carlson, seen here, seen here watching a puppy get swept out to sea. Old chuckle buck whipped out a weird, infantilizing metaphor for Americans who have different political views from him.
If you allow your two-year-old to smear the contents of his diapers on the wall of your living room and you do nothing about it, if you allow your 14-year-old to light a joint at the breakfast table, if you allow your hormone-addled 15-year-old daughter to slam the door of her bedroom and give you the finger, you're going to get more of it. Everything at home, OK, Tucker? Is that you?
If you allow your teenagers to wait to you fall asleep on the couch, then draw a penis on your forehead with a sharpie. And when you ask, who did this, they just laugh and say, oh my God, the penis just got a vein in it, because dad is so angry. And if you say, and if you say, no, if you say there will be consequences, then you fall and bang your actual penis on the corner of the coffee table, because they tied your shoes together and you're so startled, you let out a big fart.
And then your wife starts laughing too. And they film it all and post it online. And now you're going viral as hashtag penis fart dad. I'm telling you. I am telling you, you're going to get more of it. So Tucker is saying America is a spoiled brat, but he has a solution. There has to be a point at which dad comes home. I agree. There has to be a point at which dad comes home. Right? And then he comes to home and he says, I love you, Eric.
I want you to know I'm willing to wait, Dad, because there's no expiration date on hugs. Oh, Tucker. Well, what's he's up here? What's Eric just here? Or was it one of Eric's little helpers? Tucker kept running with the dad analogy. And let me just say that what he said next is incredibly gross and weird. And I hope you haven't just had a large meal. Enjoy. And when dad gets home, you know what he says? You've been a bad girl.
You've been a bad little girl and you're getting a vigorous spanking right now. And no, it's not going to hurt me more than it hurts you. And no, it's not. I'm not going to lie. This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. And you earned this. You're getting a vigorous spanking because you've been a bad girl. I just can't figure out why they're having trouble appealing to female voters. What is it? I don't understand what it is. Not to fact check you there, Tuck.
But we know from Stormy Daniels that daddy's the one who likes to get spanked. So that's, I got to say that. Now was a setting little monologue. Angry, daddy's punishing little girls. I'm guessing when Tucker wrote that, he was vigorously spanking something. Then, after all the weird daddy issues were over, Trump took the stage where he tried his best to discuss foreign policy. And here's how that sounded. You have no idea what I did in the White House. I stopped wars with France. Yeah, France.
I stopped wars. No, no, no, I stopped wars with France. And it's a good thing I did, too, because they got this super soldier. His name is Gaston. He's no one's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston. No one's neck is incredibly thick as Gaston. And not just his neck, my friends. Crazy old Marie, showered with him. And was like, oh, la, la, what a baguette. Wow, however you say wow in French. Low wow.
Harris keeps racking up the endorsements, including from billionaire Mark Cuban, who sat down for an interview with her yesterday. Cuban's support is a big win for Harris, because he once supported Trump. But apparently, Cuban saw the horrors of January 6th and said, I'm out. Today, that happens. That's what happens.
Today, Harris got a big thumbs up from 82 American Nobel Prize winners endorsing Harris, writing, this is the most consequential presidential election in a long time, perhaps ever, for the future of science. So no big deal, but the smartest people on Earth fear the end of science. And I, for one, would miss everything science has given us. From germ theory, to the light bulb, to the smuckers, uncrustible. As Charles Darwin's once wrote, Trump might win, screw it.
I'm going back to being a monkey. Ooh, ah, ah. This group, Darwin said that. Darwin said that. This group has some heavy hitters in the Brain Department, vaccine developer Drew Weisman, economist Claudia Golden, and one prominent scientist even released this fiery anti-Trump statement, bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim, Jeffrey Epstein. Now, yeah, yes.
You know, it's not just science, Harris, it's also getting a big boost from the arts, because starting tonight, Bruce Springsteen is performing for Harris in Battleground States. Oh, man. Yeah. That's tonight. That's this week, right? That's the brooge. And that's this week, and next week, he'll appear in Philadelphia with Barack Obama. They're going to go out there. That's going to be a hot concert, baby.
They're going to sing duet on the Springsteen classic, born to run, but I've already had two terms. And the boss will be getting reinforcements from Queen B, because tomorrow night, Beyonce will join Kamala Harris at a rally in Houston. I'm not surprised. You saw that coming. That's not surprising at all. She knew she was never going to vote for Trump and JD Vance because her hit song. Cat Lady. We got a great show for you tonight. Coming up, Julia Louie Dryffan takes the whole bear question in.
Now streaming on Paramount Plus. You do have a lot going on. I'm fine. You got a brand new baby. An unemployed wife. You got no money. OK, OK. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage. New series now streaming on Paramount Plus. New episodes, CBS Thursday, 8-7 Central. Now streaming on Paramount Plus. Survivor's ready. Go. It's a mental test. Who knows what's about to happen? Here we go. It's time to gather your tribe. This is her community. Survivor's my mom's nice thing.
I tell you, do it on survivor right there. Survivor. New season now streaming on Paramount Plus. All new episodes, CBS Wednesday, 8-7 Central. That right there, ladies and gentlemen. You know where you're lover. It's Julia Louie Dryffan. Julia, yes. Always lovely to have you on the show. Oh, thank you. See you for any reason is really nice. And I've been lucky enough to get to know you over the years. And I'd say we're friends, yes. We are. I think we're legit friends. I think so too.
And that's a wonderful thing. But even among friends, sometimes there are barriers between them. And you don't know the person fully. So we here at the Lachov come up with something called the Colbert Questionnaire, where we ask a guest, 15 questions that have been designed to penetrate into the heart and soul of someone. So they can be fully known. Because isn't that what we want out of life to be known? Absolutely. And to be seen, Stephen Colbert. And to be heard, Julia Louie Dryffan.
Thank you. With that in mind, are you willing to take the Colbert questioner? I am not. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Totally right for everybody. Thank you. Here we go. Here we go. What's your number one? Oh my god, I hope I get it right. Julia Louie Dryffan, what is the best sandwich? A BLT. The American Classic, as I call it. What's your best sandwich? My best sandwich? I don't answer questions in the Colbert Questionnaire. Hardly.
I ask questions in the Colbert Questionnaire. I'm not bad. Interviewer subject. Got it. You'll learn. OK. How much tomato we're talking to? How much tea? Because that's the variable in my mind. Not a medium amount of tomato, a medium amount of lettuce and a hearty supply bacon. Very good. Enough for a forensic team to reconstruct the pig if they had to. Oh no. Oh god. OK, what was your first concert? Slime the Family Stone. Woo! Come on. Wow, that's good.
Where did you see Slime the Family Stone? Washington, D.C. Wow. That's if you all want man to stay. I'll be around today. To be a man to know. Save. OK. What is your fun? Thank you. You are funky. What is the scariest animal? Snake. Not spider or shark. Snake. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, I live in California, and we have some pretty nasty snakes there. And you can see them with some frequency. So come and visit. Come and visit, Steven. Did Governor Newsom pay you to say that? What kind of raps?
Yeah. Wow. Apples are oranges. Apples? OK, good. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? I have. May I ask you? You may. I asked Arthur Ash for his autograph. Wow. I did. Wow. That's fantastic. Yeah. It's mostly sports figures that I get from people. Oh, really? Yeah. That makes sense. Please, can you just answer one of those questions for me?
No. No, because if you ever hear me taking the Colbert questioner, that means I've decided no longer do the show, or I've been canceled, you know, whatever. That's how I'm going to tell people. I'm just going to do the Colbert questioner one. OK. Which one would you want me to answer? I'm not sure yet. We're not done. OK. Are you always this prickly? That's not the question. OK. What do you think happens when we die? I don't know, but one day I will know. Favorite action movie.
Oh, born identity. Good stuff. Wasn't that a good movie? That holds up. Or how do you feel about the born supremacy or the born ultimatum? I like the very first one the best. Yes, yeah, born identity. Identity. Yeah. Take your time. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING Oh! Window or aisle? Window. Mm-hmm. Masked why. Yes, I like to lean against it. OK. I like to see where we are. Great. In case I need to, you know, take over, I know what to do. No, we're in a land. Sure. OK.
Favorite smell. Orange blossom. Least favorite smell. Dog. LAUGHTER Right? Isn't that obvious? No. But I like the way it says, like Stephen, we talk about this all the time. It's on my letter head. And green. But I'm going to add to that, particularly on the bottom of a shoe. Yes, everyone knows that I'm right. Because you have to be intimately involved with it at that point. Please, just to get, odors get released. Yes. Mm-hmm. Earliest memory. Shopping at Bloomingdale's. Oh!
Yes. Do you remember, like, were you going for something as a little girl? Yes, I was going to buy a new pillow. And I was with my mom and I saw it up high on a shelf, which probably means it was right here. And I loved that pillow. Do you have any idea how old you are? Like, can you guess? Yeah, I was about three and a half, I think. Well, that's a holy memory. In DC? No, here, in Newark. Do you remember a snowflake, the gorilla, at the DC? Yes. Remember a snowflake? Yeah, of course.
That's my earliest memory, a snowflake. Oh, f***, I answered one of the questions. Oh! Oh! You know what this means? You got to go. Like, I got to go. This is my showdown! Congratulations. Thank you. Catcher dogs. I love both, but I'm going to lean into dogs. OK. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? And you don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to music, this is the song. Why don't we do it in the road by the Beatles?
Wow. So you're not a huge fan of variety of lyrics. I said it as a joke. It's not really. It's not really. OK. Do you want to answer it honestly? Yeah, I'm going to answer it honestly. I'm going to say it's I Wish by Stevie Wonder. Ah! Nice. Yeah. Come on. It's fantastic. Yeah. What number am I thinking of? Four. No. Ah! Describe the rest of your life in five words. Keep getting better and better. Congratulations, Julia. You are known. Julia Louis Drive, this everybody.
Thank you for listening to The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. Exclusively on Paramount Flies. In music, it's very difficult for women to make a career. In an unforgiving industry. We want to give the next generation of females a foot in the door. Twelve emerging artists are determined to rise up the chart. This is the beginning of my true story.
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