Episode 5 - With Compassion

um and we were talking about the anxiety of where you look and is it going to be videoed and all of these things um and no it's not going to be videoed this is the audio that we're sharing um but that's what we were talking about weren't we

when I'm going to do something that's either live or sort of recorded and going out to the public. Yeah. So there's there's a lot of preparation goes on.

And you were fifty one, Victoria, and it was amidst a global pandemic when you discovered that you were autistic and ADHD. So what we would term as all DHD. So what would you say is the trigger or the turning point for you that made you explore your autism?

And I sent it to her and you know, at our next session she said, you know, why have you sent me this? And I said, Well, I'm neurodivergent, aren't I? And it was just like, Oh, yeah. It was a massive, just like a yeah, it was just very quick and very sudden and A lot to take on.

And then this was just another, almost like a hand grenade thrown in going, I was just getting my head around the other stuff. And now this, and I just didn't know what to do with it. for a while, but you know, fast forward a couple of years, I'm fifty-three later this year and I've got a completely different feeling about it. I feel like I needed to know that to completely free me.

The dysfunction and what was the neurodivergence? So for a long time it just The only way I can describe it is it just messed with my mind. I I felt like I was getting sort of could see the light through the trees, and then all of a sudden I couldn't see it anymore because. Well, what was trauma and what was neurodivergence and now I'm completely up in the air. And I actually continued to focus on the trauma and sort of saw the neurodivergence as a very important but an aside.

And at first I was absolutely determined I'm gonna get a set. I don't care how much it costs, I'm gonna be assessed. And then as the time went on, I was like I'd done so much work trying to figure myself out. I mean, I'm not kidding when I say I've been trying to work myself out since I was little. I've always had this feeling of I've always been very emotionally perceptive. I've always had a feeling of being different, but I felt different in my own family as well as different.

To other people. In fact, I felt more different in my family, I think. But as the time went on, and I could sort of almost look at the two together. I've suddenly gone, I don't need a diagnosis. I know this has been almost like the final thing I needed in my unraveling to go, okay, I get myself now. And I'll be brutally honest, I have no idea what's autistic and what's ADHD in terms of traits.

But it's me, and it's a lay it's just enabled me to get myself and just be so compassionate with the things I do now. So when I do fidget, it's okay. I know why I fidget. It's not there's nothing wrong with me. I that's just what I do. So it's gone from being complete confusion to almost like a really liberating, enabling label.

that makes me go, that's who I am. I don't have to explain myself anymore. I don't have to say I don't like X, Y, Z. It's just it's not for me. And that's okay. So it's it's it's been a huge learning curve in probably about a year and a half. Yeah.

So all of those things, as well as not being able to soothe myself, made me have to put everything back inside. So it was almost like I was an open box and just packed it all back in. Rydyn ni'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n mynd. You know, I was seeing things that it felt like almost other people didn't see. I was so emotionally aware.

In a family that wasn't emotionally aware. So from a young age, whether it was neurodivergence or what was going on, I very much learned to just go keep it to yourself. Don't do it. Keep the peace. Yn yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n yw'n. works for other people. So it wasn't just at school, it was at home, it was everywhere.

But I just felt like I belonged in it was a village school, I knew everyone, I loved it, and then it just all unraveled

And it's yeah, and so finding out sort of my self-diagnosis has helped me go back through life and go, oh, okay, oh, okay, I can see it. I can see it. And I I'm not dyslexic myself. I like I said, I was incredibly gifted at reading and spelling. But I saw someone in my class who struggled, who couldn't just couldn't get it the way we were teaching it. And it was that one child that basically got me into being a dyslexia specialist because I was like, I don't want to see children struggle.

I've got to be able to do something. I just couldn't let a child struggle. And I'd work ridiculous hours, you know, and my husband would be going, you're not paid to do this, you're not paid to do all this extra work for one child. I'm like, but I can't leave it. So it became like a this hyper focus on you know giving other people or giving children but other people as well their self-worth.

you know, you don't have to do it in a in a workplace environment. You're not working in a school anymore, you're not in that education environment, you're not talking on a screen doing distance learning. What's self disclosure been like for you?

You know, I'm gonna force myself to, you know, you know, this is how other people work, I will work that way. And it just I was this constant square peg in a round hole, trying to force myself into a structure that didn't work. So I was only in teaching for seven years. So without recognizing it.

I always acted on it, which I don't know if that makes sense, but I knew that a a a sort of a classroom environment where it was eight thirty till three thirty wasn't for me. So I trained to become a dyslexia specialist. Then I had more autonomy over what I did. So I've sort of been gearing up to what I'm doing for all these years, but I didn't have the confidence until I'd processed all my trauma and and I guess realized my self-diagnosis.

But in terms of sharing it with people, I haven't really shared it very much and I don't know why. So self-disclosure has been life-changing.

But there's been a little bit of a a a a a pause on the on the disclosure, I would say.

I over Christmas it was suddenly like in a way I'm coming out as having gone through trauma and although the book isn't about my family or anyone else's family, it's about um the impact of growing up in an emotional dysfunctional family and how you can heal from it. I suddenly was like I've I'm relinquishing control in who knows my story because I've always been very controlled about who knows what. I've always been very aware that some people might not accept or might judge.

And the book coming out is me relinquishing that control. Anyone can go and get hold of this book. And I think the liberation of that made me think I shall not ashamed of being autistic and having ADI. You know, I'm I'll be absolutely brutally honest. There are certain people I go, oh, I don't know how they will respond to it, but actually that's their stuff. And actually I'm really proud of who I am. And I'm

I probably's the first time I've said this. I'm proud to be autistic. I'm proud to have ADHD. It's me. It's who, you know, they, you know, that's me, that's who I am. And that I think that's where my magic and my spark comes from.

And I s e even struggle now to think back to how I was then. It's almost like I'm two separate people and I can't there's a disconnect between them. I think there's always that fear of that one person who'll go say something negative, you know, I I could be about autism or it could be about speaking up.

But I still do it. So there's an inner determination of yes, you can judge me and yes, it still will hurt me. I mean re rejection sensitive dysphoria was a was a life-changing, light bulb moment for me to read about that because I am deeply sensitive. I'm a deep thinker. I feel things so incredibly Deeply that it can hurt, but yet I still do it. there's something in there that goes you can get through the possible negativity.

Because actually, like you said, it's if I share my story and it helps one person, then it was so worth it.

that you described having to to put all of that that you describe about yourself into this box and internalizing everything. And all of that's got to go somewhere, hasn't it? All those feelings, all those thoughts. when you're not able to externalize that when we're talking about trauma. to go somewhere. And you feel it, you see it, your nervous system is dysregulated. So what do you recognize then that you struggle with? What are some of the things that that you would say, yeah, this is me?

Because I was the one who would speak up. I couldn't not. And looking back, I think, yeah, I bet I bet you I got a I bet you I had a bit of a reputation as being like, why can't she just be part of the crowd? But I couldn't. Even though I put all those things in that box. And it all came through physically. Obviously, I had no idea that the physical ailments were linked to it. And that's been the revelation for me is that connect between all of the things that were going on. I lived in my

I didn't, it was I had a physical body, but my body did not exist to me. I didn't feel in my body, I literally just disconnected. was I would just say on all the time. Just thoughts and judgment. Because when you're brought up in an environment where there isn't that emotion.

Don't blame your caregivers. You don't take it out on them because you desperately want them to give you what you want and need. You take it out on yourself. So I have been so hard on my the whole of my life making me quite emotional actually. I'm not now. I've done a lot of work, but I've been so hard on myself. I've probably been harder on myself than anyone has been on me.

And like you said, that comes out. But if you don't know that it comes out through physical ailments, you could potentially spend all of your life feeling

I mean, literally on a daily basis, there wasn't I would wake up with a headache every day. I didn't know what a clear head was. I would get gastric issues, I would get migraines, you know, there was so many things. that I was getting and it was like my body going, I'm hurting, listen to me, but I didn't know. that it was hurting because of things that had happened or things that didn't happen.

Because if there isn't that emotional attachment, it it's just as much about what you didn't get as about what happened. So I didn't have that kind voice in my head, but yet on the outside world, I was the most compassionate person to everyone else. And I've spent, I mean, I can't tell you how many books I've read throughout my life trying to work myself out. I went from one self-help book.

after another. You know, I knew I was this sort of vibrant magical person. Yes, who had struggles. You know, social anxiety was a big one. But I also knew that in the right environment with the right people I was magic. I mean I was on fire. I was mischievous. I was but I learned just to go, well that doesn't work for people. Just be, you know, so they tell me I'm quiet. Okay, I'll be quiet. They tell me I'm sure. Oh, I'm a

And then I'd move on to books on being an introvert. And none of them were me. So it was this constant conundrum of, well, who am I then? And it was, I think, because I grew up around labor. I was seeking out this, who am I? And I remember sort of chatting with my husband one day going, When you've been around people, do you go away and analyze everything and second question yourself? And he went, No. And I was like, Oh, I thought everyone did that.

And it was like the minute I could begin to vocalise what went on. It star But it is that being able to disclose to somebody who can hear you and won't give a throwaway, probably well-intentioned comment that could make you close back up again.

That lid could have gone straight back on that box, couldn't it?

gives you an idea of how safe it is to speak to someone else. And I felt so strongly about that there is there is a chapter on that and almost like a processes you can go through before you actually start to share. Because I think we've got to check that the other person has the headspace. You know, we don't know what's going on in their lives. You know, we have to put boundaries in place almost before we talk to somebody about something.

Because for example, you know, when I first started to say had this like almost revelation I'm autistic To then hear but we're all a bit audited. was like getting my light bulb moment and squashing But it takes when you know, when you are from an environment where You're not nurtured as an individual. that it's more about the you know how you're perceived by the outside world or you know the family norms that come within dysfunction. You think it's you all the time.

You don't think you don't have that emotional awareness to go, but that's that other person's issue, not mine. It's that person. Lack of awareness about autism. You think it's yourself and then you go right back in that box, fold it up, put it away, pretend it didn't. But I spoke, I kept going and I was very conscious of who I spoke to and how I did it and I've learned now to say, I've got something quite big here. Do you have the headspace to listen? How are things for you?

And I met up with a friend before Christmas. And she is part of why I'm here today. Because when I spoke to her, she couldn't have been more empathic, more understanding, gentle, compassionate. It just freed me to go, it's okay to share this. And meeting you and being in the late discovered circle have literally been life-changing because there's no shame around this. There's no It's fine. And you have to get there when you're ready. There's no timeline on this. There's not

I have to tell everybody. You choose who you tell. But it's that I we I really want to get rid of that feeling of potential shame or being judged or being seen as someone else. Yes, I'm autistic. Yes, I've got ADHD, but I haven't changed overnight. I've always been autistic in ADHD. I didn't know for 51 years of my life, but I know now. And

So, I mean, I can literally feel it, how freeing it is. And part of my healing journey is I've had to learn how to feel because when you put yourself in that box, you stop feeling.

You don't want to feel the difficult stuff. But by not feeling the difficult stuff, you don't feel the happiness and the joy either. You I mean from my experience, I was existing from day to day, going, how do I get through? Sleep was an issue. You know, the only thing that brought me happiness was my daughter and my dog. You know, my husband was trying to navigate with me through it all and but I couldn't communicate at that point. I couldn't.

you know when you don't speak up you don't know how to speak up and that might sound crazy to people but i didn't know how to say what i was experiencing so i didn't

And there's spark in my eyes and the mischievousness are so there and I go It was that you know, it would that was me before all the rest sort of pushed me back in the box. And, you know, at 53, coming on to 53, she's back.

But it was that's who I am. And she never went. She never went. She was always there, probably busting to try and get out, but was constantly told no. No, you're a bit more.

At fifty-three now, Victoria. And as we're recording this episode and we're in the depths of winter and you've got your new book coming out. What change do you think then that you're making and leading in the world? If we were to take the limits off and say, Do you don't let anybody limit you, if you'd have had this growing up, this continuous empowering thread growing up?

I wouldn't be the person I am today without all of it. And I'm not saying that in a way that makes any of it okay. Having said I don't I struggle to feel pride about the book, I'm so proud of me for getting that spark back that and I did it. Because when I had my breakdown eye, and again you can see the autism through, I hyper focused on my healing.

You know, nothing was getting in my way. And four and a half years from breakdown, there's still things to learn that always will be. I don't think you are ever healed from trauma, but you learn so many ways of soothing yourself.

I don't need others to give me my value. I know my value now. I want others to know that it is hard work, but you can do it. You can change all of those behaviors that you have. picked up from sort of unsafe, uncomfortable, possibly toxic environments. And that's why I wrote the book is because again, I want to focus on other people and go, life doesn't have to be flat and grey and painful.

It's hard work. I will never promise you it's gonna be, you know, twelve coaching sessions and you'll be fine. It doesn't work that way. It's multi layered, but you can do it. And if you find the right people. It literally does change your life. And I no longer look for other people to give me my value. You know, I'm not at a work where I'm proving myself to anyone. I don't have to prove myself anymore. Because I see my value. And that's yeah, that's huge for someone like me who could not see.

anything. I mean I had to be reminded when I had my breakdown that I was a dyslexia specialist. I'd forgotten everything. It literally just I couldn't see the next day. You know, when people will say, Where'd you see yourself in two years, five years, I couldn't see myself tomorrow. And now I'm just open to connect and to See where life takes me.

But it was like I just can't do this that others do because the sun's shining. I mean it's it's a tiny thing. But if I'd known that's because I'm sensory sensitive, maybe adaptations could have been made. Yeah, it it's tiny little things, not necessarily huge things.

um about ourselves, about how we nurture our strengths, about how we're able to speak up and advocate for ourselves and saying, actually, I I need this adaptation or I need this adjustment or I need you to accommodate this to enable me to do this.

And if we haven't worked ourselves out, it's even harder to then put it across to someone else and then you worry about the judgment but i'm of an age now where i'm like i'm just gonna say it it's okay i'm and and uh but i think we've we're often sent the message that by speaking up we're being fussy or difficult we're not We're absolutely not. We're just saying what we need.

just because it doesn't operate in that way for someone else doesn't mean you're different or difficult. It's just it's different for you. And I think a key thing as well is, and it's something that's really bugged me the whole of my life in education is trying to put people into groups and say you're autistic, that's one label. Every autistic person is different. We show up differently, we have different needs. There may be commonalities and there will be, but we are all And that's my own.